Children of divorced parents

Children of divorced parents 1. What emotions do children of divorce feel? .................................................................................... 2 1.1. To what extent will children of divorce feel relief? ...........................................................................................2 1.2. To what extent will children of divorce feel confused? ....................................................................................2 1.3. To what extent will children of divorce feel sadness?.......................................................................................3 1.4. To what extent will children of divorce feel fear? .............................................................................................3 1.5. To what extent will children of divorce feel guilt and shame?..........................................................................4 1.6. To what extent will children of divorce feel anger? ..........................................................................................4

2. What needs do children of divorce have? ........................................................................................ 6 2.1. What needs do children of divorce have in order to learn to talk about their emotions? ...............................6 2.2. What needs do children of divorce have regarding home? ..............................................................................7 2.3. What needs do children of divorced parents have as to how their parents communicate with each other? .7 2.4. What do children of divorce need to know about love from their parents? ....................................................9 2.5. What needs do children of divorce have regarding new relationships that their parents may start? .............9

3. What are advantages of being children of divorce? ....................................................................... 11 3.1. Children of divorce develop the possibility to adapt to new situations ..........................................................11 3.2. Children of divorce learn more through quality time spent with each parent ...............................................11 3.3. Children of divorce develop strong interpersonal skills ..................................................................................11

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1. What emotions do children of divorce feel?

1.1. To what extent will children of divorce feel relief?

A child, whose parents go through a divorce, may experience relief, if the child notices reduced tensions between his or her parents.1 Parents, which feel happier living apart, can often be happier for adolescents to live with.

1.2. To what extent will children of divorce feel confused?

In many cases, the more one is told from both parents, the more confused a young person’s understanding can be because ex-partners will have somewhat different visions and versions about what led to divorce.

Ultimately, children of divorce have to merge contrasting accounts they are given and come to their own conclusions.2 A girl, whose parents had divorced, felt confused about who she was going to believe, as she heard her mother and her father tell different kinds of truth regarding the same situation. Who am I supposed to believe, she wondered.3 A question that children of divorcing parents raise when their parents decide to divorce is this: When my parents don’t love each other anymore, don’t they love me either?4 Will my mother, my father or both of my parents stop loving me someday?5 Smaller children, in particular, have difficulty understanding that the end of their parents’ relationship does not mean the end of the relationship they have with each of their parents.6 A child understands the departure of a parent as a punishment. The absence of the parent is, for the child, a withdrawal of love.7 The less information that children of divorced parents receive from their parents about the reasons for their parents’ divorce, the more problems the children will have dealing with the divorce as well assessing their own relationships.8 For more reasons, lack of information about the reasons for the divorce of parents will create confusion and frustration in the minds of children.

One reason is that for a child, love is unconditional.9 A child instinctively loves both his mother and his father. Why? Because the love, which the child has for both parents, comes out of necessity. The child 1

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201404/adolescent-questions-aboutparental-divorce 3 The Swiss movie ”Where we belong.”

4 http://www.skilsmissefilm.dk/brns-oplevelse-af-skilsmisse 5 https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170 6 https://www.familienleben.ch/kind/erziehung/scheidung-mit-kindern-als-partner-scheiden-eltern-bleiben-5876 2

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https://www.erz.be.ch/erz/de/index/erziehungsberatung/erziehungsberatung/fachinformationen/eltern_in_trennungundsc heidung.assetref/dam/documents/ERZ/AKVB/de/Erziehungsberatung/Ressort%20Familie/EB_RF_Leitfaden_Elternschaft_nac h_der_Trennung.pdf 8 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2392137015 page 141.

9 http://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/archiv/artikel-im-heft/news/getrennte-wege-gemeinsame-kinder/

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needs to love his or her parents because he or she is dependent upon them in order to live. Therefore, most children want their parents to live together. 10 Many children will wish – often long time after a divorce – that their parents will get back together again.11 Another reason is be that a child does not distinguish between the love that exists between a) him / her and his / her parents, and b) his or her mother and father. Therefore, a child does not understand the explanation that his or her parents do not love each other anymore.12

1.3. To what extent will children of divorce feel sadness?

A child may experience sadness following the divorce of his or her parents. 13

1.4. To what extent will children of divorce feel fear?

A variety of things can cause insecurity and lack of stability for a child whose parents have divorced.

Some examples of questions:  What is going to happen to me next?  Who will take care of me?  Where will I live?  With whom will I live?  With one parent moving out, what if I lose the other too?14 A separation between parents usually comes unexpectedly, has a great intensity and changes fundamentally the child’s world. The separation is an experience of loss and is accompanied by fears of being abandoned.15 Concretely, a child of divorced parents experiences fear of losing a parent as well as a blow to the child’s understanding of its identity and self-worth.16 Young children are most negatively affected by parental divorce. Why? One reason is that they are more vulnerable to changes such as geographical move, loss of friends and departure of a parent because their psychic structures are in the process of formation. Another reason is that they are less likely to have outside support systems.17 Adults from divorced families in the UK prefer co-habitation to marriage and are emotionally conflicted about intimate relationships.18

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http://emeryondivorce.com/how_divorce_affects_children.php http://www.skilsmissefilm.dk/brns-oplevelse-af-skilsmisse 12 http://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/archiv/artikel-im-heft/news/getrennte-wege-gemeinsame-kinder/ 13 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/ 14 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201112/the-impact-divorce-young-childrenand-adolescents 15 https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/gesundheit/psychologie/eine-trennung-verandert-die-kindliche-welt-fundamental 16 https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/gesundheit/psychologie/eine-trennung-verandert-die-kindliche-welt-fundamental 17 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2392137015 page 152.

18 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2392137015 pages 152 and 154.

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1.5. To what extent will children of divorce feel guilt and shame?

It is incredibly important that your child understand that they did nothing to cause the divorce. 19 Why? Children tend to personalize things and blame themselves.20 In fact, many children feel responsible for the divorce of their parents.21 A child, who experiences parental divorce, may blame herself or himself for the divorce of his/her parents.22 For example, a child, who lived with his parents on a farm in Switzerland, felt shame as his parents divorced.23 For example, the child may feel that he or she misbehaved in some way.24 Most children react to their parents’ divorce with painful emotions - including guilt.25 A child of divorced parents may feel guilty and think that he or she caused the problem.26 Children of divorced parents often feel guilt, when they were blamed or took on responsibility for their parents' disagreements. 27 When parents argue with each other, children hear that it's about them - even if that's not the case. This creates feelings of guilt and shame.28 Young children do not understand the concept of divorce and may feel as if their parents are divorcing them. They may worry about losing their father, if they're living with their mom, and fantasize that their parents will get back together. In fact, they often believe they can “rescue” their parents' marriage. 29 Alison Eastwood, the daughter of Clint Eastwood, explains what she felt as her parents divorced: “My parents divorced when I was six. I had to grow up very fast. It's hard as a kid not to take a break-up personally. Even if your parents say, “You did nothing wrong”, there's still a part of you that thinks, “Is it me? Do they not love me?” You feel like the glue that sticks them together, and when that comes undone, there's always that awful little thing in the back of your mind. I felt rejected and that affects your self-esteem.”30

1.6. To what extent will children of divorce feel anger?

Research shows that over half of children of divorce felt their family life was stressful.31

19

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201912/what-children-need-most-when-theirparents-divorce 20 https://www.huffpost.com/entry/childrens-needs-during-divorce_n_5937218 21 https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/erziehung/elternbildung/frau-kammerer-wie-erleben-kinder-eine-scheidung 22 http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/157 23 The Swiss movie ”Where we belong.”

24 https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170 25 http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/how-parents-can-help-children-copeseparationdivorce 26 http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/divorce.html 27 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2392137015 page 34.

28 https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/gesellschaft/familienleben/sonya-gassmann-was-hilft-kindern-bei-einer-trennung 29 https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/age-by-age-guide-to-what-children-understand-about-divorce/ 30 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2417816/Divorce-kids-arent-alright-adults-divorced-families-speak-effectsparents-split.html 31 https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2392137015 page 36.

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A child of divorced parents may feel anger and may direct his or her anger about the parental relationship breakdown towards one parent.32 For example, situations may occur during which a child of divorced parents tries to take sides and refuses to share time with a parent.33 One reason why the child may choose side is to reduce complexity and thereby reduce stress.34 For some children, parental separation isn’t the hardest part. Instead, the accompanying stressors are what make divorce the most difficult. Changing schools, moving to a new home, and living with a single parent who feels a little more frazzled are just a few of the additional stressors that make divorce difficult. Financial hardships are also common following divorce.35

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https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/parentsandyoungpeople/parentscarers/divorceorseparation.aspx http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/help_child_divorce.html# 34 https://www.xn--brnegruppen-ggb.dk/til-fagfolk/boern-i-skilsmisser/ 35 https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170 33

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2. What needs do children of divorce have?

2.1. What needs do children of divorce have in order to learn to talk about their emotions?

It is important that parents listen to the child, recognize, understand and accept the emotions that the child has.36 Parents, even those who are children of divorce, usually do not comprehend the child’s pain from their divorce. The main reason is that parents are so caught up in their own emotional turmoil and adjusting to demands of divorcing that they have limited sensitivity and attention to give to their children at this time - even though they are filled with love and concern for how divorce may be hurting their kids.37 One of the ways parents can understand their children’s emotions is by helping them learn to identify and name their feelings.38 A child, who is allowed to express his sadness and anger, feels understood provided the parents do not rate his or her emotions.39 For example, it is important not to downplay pain and sadness that your child feels at a certain point in time. Instead, offer your support and comfort by letting your child know you understand - and that his feelings matter. Then he or she will feel free to confront disappointment rather than avoid it. This will serve him or her well throughout his or her life.40 During conversations with the child, the child appreciates when you listen to him or her instead of telling him or her how to think or what to do.41 Examples of questions to ask your child to help him or her express his or her feelings:  What’s it like to have two homes?42 What do you like about it? What do you not like about it?  I can see and hear that you feel angry. Can you explain what makes you feel angry?  It seems as if you're feeling sad right now. What is making you feel sad?43 A child of divorced parents has the right to have feelings, to express his or her feelings and the right to have both parents listen to how he or she feels.44 In other words, a child has a right to feel the way he / she does at a certain point in time.45 And the child must have permission to feel what he or she feels and the permission to express how he or she feels. This means, for example, that a child has the right to be angry and sad because his or her parents have decided to divorce.46 Most children talk very little about their parents’ divorce and their own complex feelings surrounding it.47 36

https://www.alt.dk/boern/undga-triste-deleborn https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201404/adolescent-questions-aboutparental-divorce 38 http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/how-parents-can-help-children-copeseparationdivorce 39 https://www.familienleben.ch/kind/erziehung/scheidung-mit-kindern-als-partner-scheiden-eltern-bleiben-5876 40 https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/11-rules-for-helping-your-child-deal-with-divorce/ 41 http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/top-5-mistakes-divorced-parents-make 42 http://www.folkeskolen.dk/69166/skilsmisseboern-har-et-stort-behov-for-at-tale 43 http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/help_child_divorce.html# 44 https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/divorced-children/201009/childrens-bill-rights-in-divorce 45 http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/divorce.html 46 http://www.bente-edslev.dk/artikler/Ny_familie_Junior_september_2007.pdf 47 http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/how-parents-can-help-children-copeseparationdivorce 37

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Children do not always react immediately on the divorce of his or her parents. A reaction of the child can very well come a long time after a divorce. 48 Divorced parents need to encourage their children to seek their own sources of support. It’s important for children of divorced parents to have friends, especially friends who have been through a divorce.49 A child, who is able to talk to one or more trusted people about what he / she is going through, is better able to adapt to changes related to divorce.50 This could, for example, be with friends.51 At a school in Denmark, events were organized during which children of divorced parents can have conversations with others.52

2.2. What needs do children of divorce have regarding home?

With the loss of a family leader from the home, children will check and test for structure, and they need their parents to give structure to them. In fact, children, whose parents have divorced, need structure more than any other time in their lives, because this is a time when things seem to be falling apart for them.53 Moving to a new home can be bad for children, because they are torn apart from their social environment. Therefore, many parents make sure that they live close to each other after the breakup.54 A study that looked at data from 150,000 12- and 15-year old students showed that having everyday contact with both parents seems to be more important, in terms of stress, than living in 2 different homes.

The author of the study, Malin Bergström, also explained that “it may be difficult to keep up on engaged parenting if you only see your child every second weekend.”55

2.3. What needs do children of divorced parents have as to how their parents communicate with each other?

If a child hears and feels that the other parent is at fault, this automatically places the child in the middle of the ping-pong match, which is very stressful for any child.56 In this regard, a need, which a child of divorced parents has, is that each of his or her parents communicate respectfully about and with each other.57 For example, when a parent has made a mistake, the child needs an apology from the parent. In addition, the child needs his or her parents to ask him or her what kind of signal the child will use to 48

https://www.alt.dk/boern/undga-triste-deleborn https://ideas.ted.com/the-best-possible-thing-you-can-do-to-help-your-child-through-your-divorce/ 50 https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-to-SupportChildren-after-Parents-Separate-or-Divorce.aspx 51 http://www.skilsmissefilm.dk/brns-oplevelse-af-skilsmisse 52 https://youtu.be/S-NfGBksEWY minute 5.

53 https://www.huffpost.com/entry/childrens-needs-during-divorce_n_5937218 54 https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/gesellschaft/familienleben/trennung-im-guten-so-leiden-kinder-nicht-unter-einerscheidung 55 http://time.com/3836627/divorced-parents-joint-custody/ 56 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/helping-kids-cope/201801/january-is-divorce-month-guide-parents-help-kids 57 http://www.danskefamilieadvokater.dk/da-DK/Artikler---Nyheder/Artikler/B%C3%B8rns-krav-til-for%C3%A6ldre-ikkefor%C3%A6ldrenes-krav-p%C3%A5-b%C3%B8rnene.aspx 49

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indicate that the parent is making the same mistake again, and that the parent needs to stop immediately.

It could, for example, be a stop sign that the child raises in the air when a parent raises his or her voice. 58 What children of divorced parents emphasize as being among the most difficult, uncomfortable, and fear provoking experiences during a divorce of their parents are the controversies / disagreements that their parents have with each other.59 A child of divorced parents has seen first-hand how under developed communication competencies can damage a relationship. This is a key reason why a child of divorced parents puts strong importance on developing good communication competencies and, in general, prioritizes communication highly.60 When parents of a child divorce, the child continues to be what unites his or her parents. Because there may not be many other things that unite the divorced parents, the child becomes a tool for each of the parents to, for example, get messages delivered to and from the other parent. Giving a child messages to give to the other parent is not appropriate. Kids who find themselves caught in the middle are more likely to experience depression and anxiety.61

“Dad always asks me about Mom. That bothers me.”62 Sarah, 8 years old.

Besides being a messenger, a child may become a negotiator / mediator between parents. In this role, the child will take responsibility for reducing the number of conflicts between parents. The child will spend a lot of energy on understanding what each of the parents want and, with each of the parents, try to negotiate to achieve a friendly climate.63 That a child becomes a negotiator / mediator between its divorced parents can have several consequences for the child. Some examples:  When divorced parents communicate through their child, it forces the child to negotiate a situation the parents could not handle themselves. This puts a high degree of stress on the child.64 A key reason for the increasing stress is that a child is not equipped to understand adult problems.65  When the child does not succeed as mediator, it may have a negative effect on the child’s selfesteem / self-worth / self-confidence.66

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http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/top-5-mistakes-divorced-parents-make http://www.skilsmissefilm.dk/brns-oplevelse-af-skilsmisse 60 http://www.puckermob.com/lifestyle/14-ways-children-of-divorce-love-differently 61 https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170 62 http://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/archiv/artikel-im-heft/news/getrennte-wege-gemeinsame-kinder/ 63 https://www.xn--brnegruppen-ggb.dk/til-fagfolk/boern-i-skilsmisser/ 64 http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/top-5-mistakes-divorced-parents-make 65 http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/157 66 https://www.xn--brnegruppen-ggb.dk/til-fagfolk/boern-i-skilsmisser/ 59

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2.4. What do children of divorce need to know about love from their parents?

Parents, who have decided to divorce, need to reassure their child that they both love their child, that they will always be his or her parents, and that they both will remain involved as father and mother respectively.67 One of the most important ways parents can reassure their children in these times of great uncertainty is to affirm their abiding love for them. Parents can show their affection through physical gestures, for example through hugs and through making the time to simply be with them. Creating routines of shared activities and being empathetic and responsive to verbal and nonverbal clues about children’s feelings all help to show warmth and nurturance.68 The quality of parent-child relationships is an important protective factor that predicts the long-term impact of divorce on children. There are many ways that parents can strengthen their relationships with their children, i.e. help strengthen understanding of each other and deepen connection. Examples:  Spending time with their children.69  Affirming the strengths of their children.  Reinforcing positive behaviours of their children.  Listening to their children without judgment.  Allowing silence and giving children space to not talk.70  Unless the conflict level is high, children of divorced parents enjoy when both parents are present at special occasions.71

2.5. What needs do children of divorce have regarding new relationships that their parents may start?

To help reduce the stress that a child of divorced parents experiences when his or her parents divorce, parents need to work on reducing the stress they have in their own lives.72 An important way that divorcing parents can strengthen their relationships with their children is to avoid rushing into new relationships. Many children express an enormous sense of loss, and they may fear being replaced when their parent is suddenly focused on a new love. Their parents’ new relationships inevitably bring still more profound changes into the lives of children who are already buffeted from those related to their parents’ divorce. Taking new relationships slowly and allowing children time to adjust to the divorce before adding more changes benefits children and new relationships.73

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https://www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_and_Divorce_01. aspx 68 http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/how-parents-can-help-children-copeseparationdivorce 69 http://www.nzz.ch/article8OC3I-1.214326 70 http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/how-parents-can-help-children-copeseparationdivorce 71 http://www.bornsvilkar.dk/Temaer/Skilsmisse/skilsmissefamilie.aspx#.VZUto_mqqko 72 http://www.nzz.ch/article8OC3I-1.214326 73 http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/how-parents-can-help-children-copeseparationdivorce

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A child of divorced parents has the right to know well in advance about important changes. For example, when one of the parents is going to move or get remarried, the child has the right to know well in advance.74 A possibility is to use a divorce ritual to signal that something has ended and something new has started.

During such a divorce ritual, the ex-partners could, for example, together bury their wedding rings. After burying the wedding rings, they could each thank each other for what they appreciate about the other person and forgive the other person for what for what they did not appreciate. 75

74

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/divorced-children/201009/childrens-bill-rights-in-divorce https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/gesellschaft/familienleben/trennung-im-guten-so-leiden-kinder-nicht-unter-einerscheidung 75

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3. What are advantages of being children of divorce?

3.1. Children of divorce develop the ability to adapt to new situations For Gabrielle Domingues, a media specialist and married mother of two, based in Toronto, Canada, says that her parents' divorce taught her how to roll with life's changes. “Divorce made me more adaptable to varying lifestyle situations,” she says. “My dad lived in a different city for years, so I was more attuned to having more than one resting place with different people and things. That's a useful skill to have.”76

3.2. Children of divorce learn more through quality time spent with each parent Tara Richmond, a married mother to a six-year-old son and a marketing and media consultant in Collingwood, Ontario, Canada says she got to know her parents on a different level by spending so much time with them individually. Tara explains: “I think my relationship with each of them became closer and we learned a lot about each other.”77 Despite the difficulties of divorce, one on one time is a great bonding opportunity for parents and children to experience. There will be less time, but the quality of time spent together is usually increased because the parent is totally focused on the children and the time together is valued more. 78

3.3. Children of divorce develop strong interpersonal skills Children of divorce often understand complex emotional concepts early in life. Their experiences with divorce help children of divorce become more compassionate and tolerant in life.79

76

https://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/5-positive-lessons-children-learn-fromdivorce 77 https://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/5-positive-lessons-children-learn-fromdivorce 78 http://survivingdivorce.co.uk/8-ways-your-cht-from-divorce/ 79 https://www.boydlawsandiego.com/benefits-child-divorce/

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