Critical voices in our heads

Question # 1

What is the purpose of the critical voices in our heads?

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299

Pages 16 and 17.

When we are children, we develop inner critics in our heads.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299

Pages 16 and 17.

For example, the child of a parent, who has a controller saboteur in his or her mind, may develop a pleaser saboteur to maintain peace.

It thinks the best way to do that is to prevent us from trying anything that is difficult. It accomplishes that by constantly judging and discouraging us.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5393569419 page 6.

The inner critic wants to keep us safe from failure and humiliation.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5393569419 page 21.

The critical voices in our minds believe that judging us and pushing us to change will protect us from feeling pain and/or wounded. They are doing what they think is best for us.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299

Pages 16 and 17.

When we become adults, we do not need these critical voices in our minds. But they stay in our minds.

And the beliefs of the critical voices in our minds can limit us in our personal development.

Question # 2

What are examples of critical voices in our heads?

The judge

1. finds faults with yourself and other people.

2. creates anger, fear and shame.

3. thinks that if it does not judge people for what is wrong with them and make them feel bad, they will not learn from their mistakes.

4. thinks it is better to punish people than to empathize.

5. says "you will be happy when...".

6. convinces us that we know what is good and what is bad at a given moment.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299 pages 16, 34, 55, 62, 73 and 84.

The perfectionist

1. hates mistakes.

2. tells you to be highly critical of yourself and others.

3. tells you to live in constant frustration, disappointment and anger with yourself and others over things that are not perfect enough.

4. says to you that if you can't do something perfectly, don't do it at all.

5. organizes everything well and is worried that people will mess up the order it has created.

6. criticizes people - no matter how hard people work.

7. is highly sensitive to criticism of itself.

8. works a lot to make up for others' sloppiness and laziness.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299 pages 17 and 39.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5393569419 page 11.

The workaholic

1. thinks that life is about results.

2. makes you think that you are worthy only if you have external success.

3. wants you to be the best and be strongly competitive.

4. makes you dependent on constant performance and achievement.

5. wants you to work efficiently.

6. fears intimacy and vulnerability and keeps people at a safe distance because closeness with others allows them to see imperfections.

7. prioritizes emotional and relationship needs low because it think that they are not helpful to perform well.

8. Hides insecurities and adapts its personality to show a positive image of itself and impress others.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299 pages 17 and 49.

The controller

1. wants to control things, take charge and push people to do things.

2. thinks it is either in control or out of control.

3. believes that other people want it to take control.

4. is stimulated by and connects through conflict.

5. is confrontational and impatient with people's emotions.

6. gets angry with and shames people.

7. thinks that nothing gets done if it does not tell people what to do.

8. can achieve results in the short run, for example because of fear.

9. cannot achieve results in the long run. Why not? Because it makes people irritated, as people are prevented from using and developing their competencies.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299 pages 19 and 49.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5393569419 page 11.

The fearful

1. thinks that life is full of dangers.

2. makes dangers around you seem much bigger than they are.

3. makes you feel fear about all what could go wrong.

4. is suspicious about what other people will do.

5. expects that people will mess up.

6. creates nervous energy which results in stress and difficulty to relax.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299

Pages 18 and 49.

The avoider

1. wants you to focus on what is positive and pleasant.

2. wants harmony and peace.

3. downplays the importance of problems and avoids difficult tasks as well as conflicts.

4. thinks that if does not do anything, things will take care of themselves.

5. has difficulty saying no.

6. Resists other people in a passive-aggressive way rather than directly.

7. Suppresses anger.

8. Believes that by dealing with conflicts now, it will hurt people's feelings and lose connection with them.

9. Due to avoidance of conflicts, relationships of the avoider remain superficial.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299

Pages 19 and 49.

The pleaser

1. Tells you that to be accepted, you need to help and please others.

2. Has a strong need to be liked. Constantly needs to get assurance from others that he or she is accepted and liked.

3. Feels that expressing his or her own needs is selfish. Therefore, the pleaser cannot openly and directly express his or her needs.

4. It bothers the pleaser that other people do not notice or care about what he or she has done for them. As a consequence, the pleaser thinks other people can be selfish and ungrateful.

5. The behavior and thinking of the pleaser can lead to burnout.

6. The child of a parent with a controller saboteur may develop a pleaser saboteur to maintain peace.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299 pages 17.

The victim

1. wants to attract attention by feeling emotional.

2. is attached to having difficulties.

3. thinks that terrible things always happen to him or her, and that he or she is disadvantaged. “Poor me”, the victim thinks.

4. negative emotions stay in the mind of a victim for a long time. The victim thinks that nobody understands him or her and wishes that someone would come and rescue him or her from the mess that he or she is in.

5. feels lonely.

6. withdraws when it is criticized or misunderstood.

7. wants to give up when things get tough.

8. represses anger which leads to feeling depressed.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299 pages 18 and 49.

The rational robot

1. wants you to value knowledge.

2. wants you to process everything in an analytical way - including relationships.

3. analyses rather than experiences emotions.

4. sees emotions as distracting, irrelevant and unworthy of much time.

5. becomes frustrated when people express their emotions.

6. can be perceived as cold.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299 pages 18 and 49.

The restless

1. wants you to be busy all the time.

2. wants you to continuously search for more excitement.

3. wants you to not miss out on anything. This results in constant distractions and lack of focus.

4. escapes from being present because of fear. This results in distance to other people, because other people feel they cannot keep up.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3727205299

Pages 19 and 49.

The destroyer

1.

2.

The guilt traveler

1. attacks people for what people did or did do in the past, which harmed someone.

2. constantly makes you feel bad.

3. makes you feel guilty for repeated behaviors that it considers unacceptable because it thinks that feeling guilt will make you stop.

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5393569419 page 13.

The guilt traveler Criticizes

https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/5393569419 page 13.