Shame
Question # 1 What is shame?
People, who feel shame, internalize and over-personalize
everything that happens to them. When something goes wrong, they say to themselves, “I’m to blame for what happened. It is entirely my fault.”
https://hbr.org/2017/06/dont-let-shame-become-a-self-destructive-spiral
Shame I am bad. I am a mistake.
Guilt I did something bad. I made a mistake.
Focus on self.
Focus on behaviour.
https://www.fs.blog/2014/10/brene-brown-guilt-shame/
Embarrassment is shame in front of others.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-zesty-self/200905/what-we-get-wrong-about-shame
Shyness is shame in the presence of a stranger.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-zesty-self/200905/what-we-get-wrong-about-shame
Question # 2 Why do we feel shame?
Shame is largely rooted in experiences we had in childhood with our parents. Example A child spills a drink. If a parent says “You’re so careless! Can’t you pay more attention?”, the child will feel shame.
https://welldoing.org/article/why-we-feel-shame-how-to-let-it-go
When children cannot live up to their parent’s expectations, they experience shame. When children are continually criticized, they get the message that they are inadequate, inferior, or unworthy. These shameful experiences damage the roots from which selfesteem grows. https://hbr.org/2017/06/dont-let-shame-become-a-self-destructive-spiral
Shame is linked to low self-esteem, low self-worth,
and narcissism. Afraid of being negatively perceived, a narcissist may seek to protect himself or herself from feeling shame by criticizing others.
https://welldoing.org/article/why-we-feel-shame-how-to-let-it-go
Internal shame speaks to the tendency for shame to be closely linked to a negative self evaluation - without regard to explicit public exposure.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joy-and-pain/201406/what-is-the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame
External shame is the painful feeling of having lost the respect of others because of improper behaviour of oneself. External shame is associated with being humiliated publicly due to having done something wrong.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joy-and-pain/201406/what-is-the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame
Question # 3 How can we cope with shame?
Questions to ask yourself or others when you feel shame:
Have I done something wrong? If you done nothing wrong, there is nothing to be ashamed of. If you have done something wrong, apologize and correct mistakes you have made.
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2768418051 page 199 and 203.
Shame is natural and comes with relationships we have with other people. We have learned to “never let them see you sweat.” The solution is to do the opposite: Be vulnerable.
https://lifehacker.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-shame-and-guilt-1653163759
Exercise to help you forgive yourself when you feel shame: 1. Do you have to feel shame when you try something and it does not work? Do you need to be perfect? 2. Can you forgive yourself the next time you hear yourself thinking that you aren’t good enough?
https://welldoing.org/article/why-we-feel-shame-how-to-let-it-go
Exercise to recognize shame 1. Write down a situation during which you felt shame. 2. In which parts of your body did you feel shame? 3. If the shame, which you felt, had a colour, what colour would it be? 4. How does this shame situation influence you today?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-zesty-self/200905/what-we-get-wrong-about-shame
To not feel shame, be yourself. When you live an authentic life and are true to your values, you are less likely to feel shame.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-big-questions/201309/shame-shame-shame
Exercise to help you find out if you deserve to feel shame you felt 1. What is an example of something, you did or did not do, that you feel ashamed of? 2. Do you think you deserve to feel shame because of what you did or did not do? 3. If you think you deserve to feel shame for what you did or did not do, why do you think you deserve to feel shame? 4. If you are afraid of something, why you are afraid of that. Adapted from https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-difference-between-shame-and-guilt-ldvs/
If you feel your shame is intensifying, find a quiet place where you can calm your body and give your mind peace.
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2768418051 page 204.
To reduce your feeling of shame, share your experience of
shame with someone you trust. Sharing your story and receiving empathy in return can help dissolve this painful feeling.
https://experiencelife.com/article/shutting-shame-down/ https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1879833009 https://hbr.org/2017/06/dont-let-shame-become-a-self-destructive-spiral
Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, perfectionism, and judgment. So if you share your experience of shame with someone, who responds with empathy, shame will die.
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1879833009
When parents let children know that they do not judge them, they signal that they accept their emotions. Thereby, parents also help children to calm down and not feel fear, shame or guilt. Instead of trying to fix things quickly, parents are better off simply pausing and listening. When a child feels fully seen and acknowledged by those around him, he / she will feel loved and secure. When a child feels loved and secure - and not rejected, punished or shamed for feeling what he / she feels - he / she will feel free to live with any emotions. For example, when a child feels shame, he / she will feel free to live with that feeling, understand where it comes from and why it is there. https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1918959132
We can discover the meaning of life by thinking differently about unavoidable suffering. When we cannot change a situation, for example not curable cancer, we are challenged to change ourselves. When a human being finds that it is her or his destiny to suffer, she / he will have to accept her or his suffering as her or his single and unique task. When a person cries during the suffering, the tears are proof that she or he has the courage to suffer.
There is no need to feel shame for crying. https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2372299403 Page 84 and 116.