Poppy Magazine - Issue Four; Fresh Start

Poppy Magazine june, july 2016 issue 4

Fr esh t r a St

Fresh Start

We asked you for your most refreshed, renewed, “Fresh Start” submissions, and you sent in fabulous writing, photography, illustrations, and more! We can’t wait for you to dive in to this issue - we hope you emerge feeling as inspired, restored and ready to move forward as we did looking through your awesome contributions!

Hey Pops,

I’m overwhelmed right now with how intrinsic letting go is to moving forward. The idea of spring, growth, and moving on is so nice. It’s so pretty and sweet. It’s easy to forget that nothing grows in a bed of weeds. My grandma used to take me out to her gardens when I was young, and teach me about the beautiful flowers and vegetables while she pulled weeds from the dirt. She’d pinch the dead flowers from their stems and let them fall down. The old flowers would die, they’d decay, and their rotting remnants would feed new growth. That’s how it is, isn’t it? The cycle of growth: we let the old run its course, fade away to make room for the newness that awaits. It seemed so harmless in my grandma’s garden.

It didn’t seem so harmless as I grieved unhealthy relationships, or as I left everyone I loved to start the life I had dreamt of across the country, across the world. It didn’t seem natural as forced myself to say goodbye to a girl that made me feel safe and understood and seen because I refused to fall into old patterns. Nothing about growth has every felt harmless to me, because growth has always felt like saying goodbye. It means moving forward; we aren’t able to take everything with us.

Growth means goodbye, but I don’t think that means it has to be lonely. It means you’re going to keep changing and moving, and not everyone is ready to do that. You won’t be able to convince everyone that you love that it’s worth the (full disclosure: sometimes heart wrenching) work. It’s your journey, though. So you will (if you choose) continue on, and you may walk alone for a stretch. Something will happen down the road, though. You’ll find that there are other people on the road - some even walking at the same pace as you!

It wasn’t until I spent hours of my summer hunched over a tangled mess, sweaty, with dirt caked under my splitting fingernails that I realized that there were two ways to weed your garden.

The cycle of growth and death in my grandma’s garden seemed so peaceful and natural, and yet, there was so much that she removed, let decay, and kept up consistently. The jungle of thorns I uprooted years later was full of discouraging, endless and painful work. We had let it grow and grow, unwilling to do the small, daily care-taking. The unwelcome additions to the garden built up and slowed down the growth we wanted. When the time came to unearth the weeds and thistles, it took days.

We, similarly, have the choice to white knuckle our way through the ebbs and flows, losses and gains, ups and downs of life, or to, alternatively, surrender to the unpredictable nature of existence. We can spend our days holding on fiercely to what no longer serves us or we can let the wilting petals fall to the ground and feed our development.

It’s hard to start over when you’re weighed down by suitcases full of rocks and weeds, so I’m going to try to go into the summer with a big physical and emotional spring cleaning to be ready for any fresh start that comes my way. I hope you’ll join me - maybe we’ll meet up along our respective roads.

xo, mads

Sun Showers

Photography by: Keta Tugushi

Photography by: Keta Tugushi

Sun Showers

wild.

photography by:

Erin Scott-Marshall

All this time looking for my missing piece In other people When that piece was inside me The whole time.

“Healing.”

I thought that I was going to forget you when someone else came along but oh, was I wrong.

I had to forget you on my own Put myself out of that No one else was going to arrive and take you out of me, that was my own personal job I’m so glad I learned that because I haven’t met anyone new yet but you’re not encrypted inside my heart anymore.

It took me quite a while but I had to let go and I’m so glad I did. it hurt me so much more to be holding on to something that didn’t exist anymore And thank you friend, I had to move on.

Poetry by: Elsa Burgos

“I think I found my missing piece”

Poem for the person I love the most in the world.

Dear, (______) -Insert your own name hereThink about your thoughts as a gift, A gift from whoever you believe in, Whatever you believe in.

Think of your flaws as a virtue, Think of your dark circles as stories to tell, stories you lived, you pictured.

Your flaws are glitter all over you and you sparkle.

You are here because you were meant to, Start walking forward The world is yours This love is yours

“Wednesday thoughts.”

It took me a while to understand that you not loving me back had nothing to do with me.

Embrace your ‘’weirdness’’ and let it shine.

I love that about you, we’re going far.

Poetry by: Elsa Burgos

Endless disappointment when you hang on to something who failed you twice, a third time When you already know the road because you’ve been there too many times Head up, I take a step forward, one step at a time Once I let go I realized that it was harder to keep walking in the apparently ‘’comfortable road’’ than moving on.

Eventually as I walked away from the things that hurt me, I realized I was getting closer and closer to myself.

Poetry by: Elsa Burgos

“Endless disappointment”

A Better Light

Writing by: Danielle Chelosky

An awful lot of us, teenagers, reach a point at least once in our high school lives where we feel a strong urge to make a change within ourselves. I don’t know about anyone else, but this urge hits me at least once a month. And every time I sense this familiar but powerful feeling coming for me, I have to plan what alteration I’ll make. Whether it involves my playful hair, growing music taste, diverse style, busy routine, improving room, and whatever I can possibly think of. But why do I do it?

Don’t we all have desperate days when we wish we could feel liberated from our intense regrets, harsh memories, memorable mistakes, deep scars, or just the past in general? While it’s impossible for us to erase history, it’s not impossible for us to create a fresh start. What is possible is for us to take time to learn to accept the past and try to see it in a different light – a better light. Then, once we make peace with what’s already happened, we can finally move on and grow and go onto better things.

We all contain too much potential for us to hold ourselves back because when we’re not craving change, we’re afraid of it.

We have no time to be afraid. The longer we stress the future, the more afraid we become. It’s difficult to not focus on stress, but it’s a task we must find a way to succeed in. Feeling carefree and liberated should always be our main goal, because that’s when we have the opportunity to turn potential into success. Change the way you look at intimidating situations coming up, make sure you’re comfortable with the present, and make peace with what’s already happened. It’s all you can do for a fresh start.

n ~ click click to listen ~ click to listen ~ click to listen ~ click to listen ~ click to liste

to listen ~ click to listen

Taylor’s Tips for a Fresh Start Photographs, illustrations, and text by: Taylor Washington

off e t i b t ’ #1 - Don chew n a c u o n y more tha

#2 - Don’t be afrait to S P R E A D your wings

#3 - Go boldly forward on the path you’ve chosen

- If moving to a new place, bring comforting reminders of home with you. Although its cliche, home is where your heart is, and you can make a home wherever you go.

- Know what brings you joy, take time to practice those things, no matter how little. Re-pick up hobbies that made you happy in the past but have gone by the wayside.

- Set a fear goal. Pick something you’re afraid to do and will force yourself to face that month 1-2 times. If you struggle/fail, you’ll at least be proud of yourself for having tried. If you succeed, it could change your life.

- Don’t bite off more than you can chew when you first jump in - Be a local! Search around! Once you’ve found a cafe or thrift store you really like, go there often! You’d be shocked at the perks that might come your way.

- Transform your home into a haven. Emphasize whatever style reflects you best, whether that be an abundance of plants, paintings, books, etc...

- Create a routine that works for you. It helps lower your anxiety when you know what’s next in your day or how you’ve chosen to approach your day in a general sense.

- Call (not just text) your loved ones once a week! Don’t let connections fall by the wayside, as connecting with others is part of what makes us happy and human.

- Know what you want, picture your dream reality and cultivate it. Figure out what steps you need to take to achieve your goals.

- Know you you are deep down and don’t stray from whoever that is, stay true - Don’t beat up on yourself when you mess up, fall into old bad habits, etc...just focus on moving forward. Ruminating in negative self-depreciating thoughts only stagnates your development.

A particularly reflective journal entry, Written by: Amy Garraty written after some of the most difficult identifying details changed to protect privacy what seemed like forever. After that night, I was weeks of my life: a nervous wreck. My heart raced constantly, I felt *editor’s note below jittery the whole week, and I couldn’t think about Obviously things had been spiraling out of control before this weekend. I had had this feeling all semester, since January, like an uncomfortable itch, that something was off. I found myself thinking back to junior year of high school a little too often, mentioning Don one too many times in conversation, found myself drawing too many parallels with a time when I was at one of my lowest. I became a sad drunk, the type of girl who ends their night eating pizza in the hallway of their apartment, crying into a greasy napkin.

I began biting my nails again, my eating issues re-emerged, and worst of all, I began depending entirely too much on others for my own happiness.

Of course, all of this was compounded with the fact that I had fallen “hopelessly in love” with Jim. I obsessed constantly about what he was doing, what he thought of me, where he would be later, and most of all how I could be the best possible version of myself for him. It was a school girl crush on crack, and it was unquestionably unhealthy. Although he had made it abundantly clear to me multiple times that he was gay, and proud, I interpreted too many questionable signals in my own favor. Whether or not the dancing, the comments about dating, the near kissing meant anything, Jim had made it clear to me that he was comfortable in his sexuality, that he was finally at a stage in his life where he could be happy about that self-discovery. I however, was desperate to be important to him. And so I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. All of this came to a head the night the two of us almost kissed standing outside the club, practically wrapped around each other for

anything other than him. I was miserable and miserable to be around.

When I finally drunkenly confronted Jim about this, I did it in the most disastrous way possible, drunkenly at 3 a.m. Things started out cordially and it could’ve ended on a solid note, but it quickly turned ugly, for reasons that I’m still not sure of. I told him many things that I regret, like that I didn’t believe he cared about me, which is absolutely untrue. There have been so many nights where he was the one to take care of me, the one to walk me through my problems, the one that gave me that push towards the light at the end of the tunnel. It was an incredibly ugly thing for me to say and it came out of a place of pain. There was also the issue that I was trying to convince myself that he was someone who he wasn’t.

Jim is gay, not questioning, not bisexual, gay. And it was so incredibly wrong of me to try and change him or force him to confront that.

I wasn’t the only one who said hurtful things. Jim basically told me that there was no reason to care about such a temporary friendship, and insinuated multiple times that I was too emotional and dramatic for my own good. He asked me if he was the only guy who’d ever cared about me, which hit me like a slap in the face. Regardless of their validity (which is in question), these were not the things I wanted to hear after being romantically rejected, and they left me reeling.

Hurtful things were said, and it was obvious that the two of us left on a bad note. I spent three days incredibly angry about what he had said to me. I was so angry and sad, not because Jim didn’t like me back, which was easy enough to accept because it should have been obvious all along, but because I felt like I had lost a great friend in the ugliest and messiest way possible. I was so mad at myself because I had practically forced our friendship to fall apart, by putting stress on it that even a 10 year friendship would find difficult to handle.

*This story discusses the author’s real experience with drugs, alcohol, and an eating disorder. Believing that authenticity is important, we have left all of these details in, but please be aware that this material may be triggering for some people.

So I arrived in Budapest a total mess. In the midst of depression, co-dependency, bingeing, and heartbreak to top it off. I realized that I was in deep trouble on the train from Prague to Budapest, because I was so uncomfortable being alone. I was so restless the entire train ride because I needed to talk to someone, needed someone to distract me from myself, which was so uncharacteristic of me. I kept using up my phone data to text people for idle conversation because I was so unwilling to sit in my thoughts.

I’ve always been good at being alone and being comfortable in my own space, it was a horrible feeling to feel like I needed people.

When I got to the apartment I was sharing with my friends, I almost immediately started drinking. And kept drinking, and drank some more.

By 11 I was completely plastered, and in a mix of anger and depression, never a pretty mix. I could tell that Maggie was too far gone to go out, so I volunteered to stay at the apartment with her. Somehow I knew, just by the things that she was saying and the way she was acting, that she wanted to hook up with me that evening. She kept touching me, kept making small comments, and I was so lonely that I didn’t feel like I could resist. It felt so good for someone to want me. So I let things go too far, and we made out on the bed, even though I suspected that things meant more to her than they did to me.

The next day, I refused to confront what had happened. She was obviously a mess about it, and I just couldn’t cope. I was lost in my own world, my own self-destruction. I was quiet and standoffish all day, and I ended up getting completely plastered again that evening. By the next morning, nursing one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had, I knew that I was in deep trouble.

I’ve never been a big drinker, and the fact that I had gotten completely trashed two nights in a row was not a good sign. The next day was more of the same, I barely talked to anyone, too wrapped up in my own personal drama.

I knew how much it was hurting Maggie not to talk about what had happened, but in that moment I just didn’t care. That evening, we went out to the bars as a huge group, and I could tell that I had completely collapsed into myself.

I was sullen, drinking by myself, completely alone. At one point a homeless man tried to sell Will cocaine, and I genuinely and truly wanted to do it. Anything to escape how much pain I had begun to feel. I remember so vividly having the thought, “what if I just went home and killed myself?”. It was the worst I’ve ever felt about myself, a thousand times worse than my self-disgust freshman year.

That evening, Maggie confronted me about the hookup. She wanted to know what had happened, how I felt, what was going through my head. I agreed to speak to her, and she admitted to me that she had had feelings for me for a while, and thought that our hookup meant more than a drunken one-off. I disagreed. I told her that whatever relationship she wanted with me couldn’t happen because I was in such a weird headspace, that I was in the midst of figuring out myself and that I couldn’t handle the pressure of a relationship. When I told her this, however, she couldn’t accept it. She was indignant, trying to persuade me that romance was always hard, that it was about fighting for what you wanted. That love could be cultivated and created. She refused to accept that I didn’t want a relationship with her, and I was left hurt and annoyed. Why wouldn’t she accept and respect that I simply couldn’t have those feelings?

It was such a weird parallel to my relationship with Jim. Suddenly I had become the one trying to let the other down gently, and having to wrestle with a friendship that had become complicated by romantic attachment. The only person I wanted to talk to in that moment, more than anything in the world, was Jim. Day three was by far the worst. By this point, I had completely lost control. I spent the entire

day in a coffee shop with Will, Maggie, and Tessa, smoking so much that I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. I hated myself and I wanted to escape as far away from myself as possible. Every moment that I spent sober I was completely silent and miserable, every moment that I spent drunk was spent escaping from my painful reality. I was supposed to have an internship interview that evening, and had promised myself that I wouldn’t get high beforehand, so that I could concentrate. 6 hours later though, I was out of my mind at a coffee shop, ignoring calls from the head of a good agency with a great internship program. I had actually jeopardized my future in the desperate attempt to stay intoxicated. It’s probably one of the most self-destructive things I have ever done in my entire life.

At one point, Will asked us if we wanted to do mushrooms, and I immediately jumped in, without thinking of the consequences. Maggie was super nervous, but all I remember is that I was unbelievably excited at the prospect of escaping my problems in yet another way. That evening, I did ‘shrooms, and spent the evening by myself sitting outside, staring into the dark sky. All I truly remember was wishing that I could get into a space ship and move to a new planet where no one knew me. Where there was no food or romance, the two things I felt had betrayed me over and over and over again.

The next day, on the train to my cousins in Germany, I knew that my life had come to a crux. I could either continue on what was potentially the most destructive path that I had ever been on, or I could reach out and finally get some help. Within minutes of getting to my cousin’s apartment, I told them that I needed to see their therapist immediately.

I told my story to the therapist the next morning, and she asked me a question that has forever changed my life. It was the “aha” moment that I think I never had before.

She asked me why I was fighting so hard against every part of myself. Everything I told her was “…and I liked him and felt guilty about it…” or “…and I wanted to send this person a message but that was stupid…”. She told me that it was completely normal and OK to have feelings.

That I was a human and that it was OK that I had had a crush on Jim. That it wasn’t my fault or something to feel guilty about. Maybe I had made mistakes in the way I handled it, but the mere fact that I had developed feelings for him was not something to beat myself up about.

That I didn’t need to feel guilty about the fact that I liked to eat. So I wasn’t one of those girls like Leona who could go a whole day on only lemon bars, who cares? That would never be me, and forcing myself to do so was destroying me from the inside out. I could either accept who I was, or I could spend the rest of myself fighting against it.

That simple realization, that it was OK for me to be who I was, felt like an earthquake inside of me. Suddenly everything felt settled into place. I could feel so much anger and self-loathing seeping out of me. It seems like such a simple and obvious thing, that it’s OK to be yourself, but for whatever reason it was something that I had never been able to understand before. My entire life had been a race to become a better version of myself for others, instead of for myself. It finally clicked for me what I needed to do to fix that negative spiral I constantly found myself in.

We spent the rest of the day working through various issues, and I left her office feeling like a new person.

I realized that I had fallen so far from the selflove that I once prided myself in. I had become dependent on others and the mirror for self-validation, instead of being confident in myself.

I had been so reluctant to deal with my problems and my own issues that I had completely stretched myself thin dealing with those of others. I had accepted so many people’s

problems as my own that they had seeped into my psyche and turned it an ugly brown color.

It took this acceptance from a complete stranger for me to come to this amazing conclusion: I love myself, I am the most important person in my life, and I will never let myself down like that again. I am allowed to have feelings as a human. They are normal and OK, and I no longer want to fight against them. I had to hit the absolute rock bottom to be able to bounce back, but here I am, and I am finally happy.

I realized that I am so lucky to be surrounded by amazing people who love me so much, and who have stuck by me in my ugliest moments.

Lisa, of course, is the rock that never moves.

No matter what I need or how bad I get, she is there for me unconditionally night and day, no judgment, and it has given me the strength to do so much.

Maggie is this amazing counterbalance in my life. We are so similar in so many ways, and so completely different in so many others. I feel so lucky to be in her crazy and beautiful life, and I feel so lucky to have been let into her world that amazes and challenges me every single day. Since my talk with the therapist, we have talked about our relationship, and we are in such a healthy place now. I am forever grateful that she let me be honest with her, and that she forced me to talk things through. She is one of those special people that come along once in a lifetime.

Mackenzie is, of course, the literal sunshine in my life. She’s this amazingly beautiful creature that brings everything she touches to life. I honestly don’t know how I was lucky enough to stumble across her, but I know that I am forever grateful. She has changed my life in so many meaningful ways. There honestly aren’t words for the way I feel about her. Mackenzie makes me feel like the best version of myself, like I can do anything. She is one of the best, purest, weirdest, craziest, gingeriest people

that I know, and anyone who gets the chance to know her should appreciate that gift.

As for Jim, I no longer have any romantic feelings towards him. I love him so much as a person, but I’ve come to realize that those romantic feelings were largely overblown on my part in an attempt to feed my dependency. He had become a crutch for me; instead of dealing with my own problems, I created feelings that weren’t there to hide my downward spiral. It was so much easier to obsess over an unrequited love than to confront the fact that I had completely lost myself. Yes, I undoubtedly had a crush, no, it was undoubtedly not the Romeo and Juliet love I so desperately painted it as in my head.

It felt so good to be in love again, but that ugly, unhealthy preoccupation wasn’t love. It was destructive to both of us, and I’m so glad it’s over.

Mackenzie once asked me if I could find a way to recognize the things I loved about Jim as the things I loved about myself. I didn’t understand what she meant at the time, but I think I do now. It’s not that I love the things about Jim that I see in myself, it’s that I love the things about Jim that make me a better person, and there are so many of them. I love his outgoing and magnetic personality, because it makes me more open and comfortable in my own skin. I love his deep passion for other cultures, because it has opened my eyes to a world beyond my American-European bubble and encouraged me to expand my interests other countries and people. I love his deep inner-reflection, because it has helped me think more deeply about myself, instead of hiding away. And I love his self-acceptance, because it has given me the hope and strength I needed to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all. Jim’s friendship has fundamentally changed me, but I can now accept the good changes, without fostering the bad. I love Jim, but I am not in love with him and probably never was. I am in love with myself and I am happy.

(3/23/2016)

Postlude:

This journal entry was written about two months ago, and since then I have at least become older, if not wiser. There is a sense of finality in this entry that doesn’t do real life justice. I can appreciate the desire in my words to wrap up this chapter with a neat little bow and move on to a new one. Many, in fact most, of the things I wrote here were true in the moment. I didn’t lie to myself, I really bore it all onto paper. The problem is that life doesn’t work like your favorite TV show where problems roll out in neat 45-minute packages. I have struggled a lot in the time since this was written with the fact that some of the “finalities” which I write about in this journal entry just don’t hold up anymore. It was a painful moment for me when I realized that no matter how badly I wanted this entry to be the final word on these problems, the fact is that it’s not. For one thing, this journal entry totally ignores the impact of my actions on others. Our relationships with those around us (and ourselves) do not exist in a vacuum. Maybe at the time this was written, I was completely absolved of my feelings for Jim, but that doesn’t mean that our relationship returned to its former glory after I told him this. If anything, it became more confusing and complicated as time went on.

The words I write here are hopeful, but they are also, to a certain extent, naïve. One of the most important things that we can do (and should do) is love ourselves; I believe that wholeheartedly. But that love can’t only be dispensed when we feel like we’ve finally figured out our rubix-cube lives. The self-love I preach in this journal entry is fundamentally important, but it shouldn’t be tied to solving all my problems. I have called into question almost every single “revelation” I made in this journal entry, and my thoughts about them change practically daily (with the exception of my undying love/appreciation for my friends). Honestly, I don’t really understand anything about my feelings for Jim, I still struggle constantly with my eating disorder, and I really question whether it was necessary for me to hit rock bottom to get help and begin healing.

Basically all this is a long way of saying that since this piece was written, I have had to learn to love myself not because I have all my problems completely figured out, but in spite of the fact that I don’t. And that’s still a pretty damn great feeling.

P.S. 100 life points to anyone who noticed that all the names in this were changed to characters from The Newsroom. There are a lot of things I have been able to come to terms with in my life, but the fact that that show was cancelled after a mere 25 episodes will never be one of them.

Artwork by: Grace Schodel

Tips & Tricks for: Starting Over Written by: Casey Nalley

Starting over isn’t always a complete life transformation.

Sometimes, you might just have a terrible day or week and need some positive ways to shed away all of the negative vibes.

Those times can be the worst, especially when they are caused by seemingly minor events. Maybe you stubbed your toe when you got out of bed, were late for school, or totally forgot your homework from the night before. After all that you want to yell to the sky and cry your eyes out, but you feel stupid because you think your reasons are trivial. Well, they aren’t. If you feel bad, you have a reason to be upset. Or sometimes your stress is caused by something big, like maybe you’ve been fighting with your parents, or you’re flunking a class, or maybe a whole slew of bad things seem to be hitting you all at once. Sometimes a bad day can turn into a bad week or even a bad month, and you start to lose hope that your life will ever get better.

Sometimes when life has taken a turn for the worst, we aren’t sure what to do to relieve the stress. With that in mind, here’s a list of possible mood changers to help you beat the tough stuff.

~ Blast your favorite upbeat song and dance around your room. I know it sounds childish, but isn’t that what’s great about it? Revert to the days of fairy wands and tutus and just let loose. ~ Create your own music. Bang out all your anger on some drums or write some intense lyrics that describe everything that your feeling in the moment.

Write in a journal. Getting your feelings out on paper can be incredibly cathartic. You can be as angry, whiny, sad, etc., as you want and no one will ever have to see it.

~ Create! Create! Create! Draw, paint, take photographs, film the world outside your house. Don’t fret over whether it’s good or not, just have some fun. ~ Clean your room, or completely rearrange it. Just moving stuff around can help get your mind off anything. Write up a list of redecorating ideas or hang up those posters you bought three years ago that were tossed to the back of your closet. ~ Delve into some DIY. Pick out some of your old clothes and turn them into something new. Add some patches or studs or cut things up and sew them back together. ~ Dye your hair. Sure, it may be a bit extreme, but sometimes extreme is exactly what you need for a fresh start. Or if you’re really feeling experimental, cut or shave it off. It grows back, so have some fun. ~ Clean out your closet. Give someone else a fresh start, while your giving yourself one. Dig out the stuff you don’t want any more and donate it to Goodwill or a similar organization. ~ Have a guilty pleasure day. Reread a favorite book or binge watch your favorite show. Eat your favorite junk food and take a long bath. Don’t feel bad about lazing around for a bit.

Talk to someone. I know, you’re rolling your eyes, but sometimes when things go the wrong way, what we need most is a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. ~ Cry. Cry, sob, and wail until you’re all out of tears.

Bury your face into your pillow and scream from the top of your lungs. Sometimes all you need is to let all of those pent up emotions run free.

‘’Aubade’’ (a morning love song sung at dawn, to welcome or lament it’s coming)

Spring races in with a frenetic tenderness No room for refusal, the heady blossom permeates without asking, seeking purchase in the holes of our hearts.

You’re slowly forgetting the patchwork constellations on your arms and new ones are being traced upon your face The familiar freckles painted on by the loving arms of sun.

You are nature’s canvas, the aubade of pale pink mornings, and your lips are cirrus, cumulus, cloud-soft.

In the dwindling cold our bodies, hearts, souls, minds all collide.

No room for refusal, your light pereates the shaking shadows in my deepest depths.

Spring is here, and ephemeral as she is, I will hold her in my heart as her shaking blossoms fall.

- Hannah

Photo series by: Elinor Bonifant

The Big Chop

Carolin Frias, 21, was nice enough to chat with us about her experience going natural! Check out what she had to say about Shea Butter, self-love, & Solange.

Can you tell me a little about your natural hair?

Okay, so, I went natural February of 2014, so I guess two years ago, and I was forced. I was coerced - by my best friend – she was already going natural, she was like, “You just need to do it, you know, there’s no need for you to perm your hair.” We had taken race classes, and she was like, “The white man wants you to keep perming your hair!” I was like, “Okay, I’ll stop perming it, whatever.” And I stopped blowdrying it, and straightening it and stuff. Essentially, it wasn’t really my choice. It was more like my friend’s choice, and then she kind of convinced me that it was a good thing to do. And it is a good thing to do!

Have you ever regretted it? How do you feel about it now?

I still have some trouble in the morning when I’m like, “Ah, I wish I had straight hair. It’d be just easier, you know.” But I think that this is the truest form of who I am, so I think I’m happy with it.

What was your experience like growing up with your hair?

Oh my god, okay. I never knew I had curly hair.

You didn’t know?

No, no, my mom had been perming my hair since I was seven years old, so I don’t know if you have memories before that, but I don’t think I have any that, like, I can pinpoint having curly or coily hair, so ever since I can remember I’ve had straight hair.

But not because of me – of my biology – but because of chemicals. It was really hard, because my mom, when I first went natural, she didn’t get it. She thought that it was really unkempt and gross and just bad. All around bad. I think that has a lot to do with self-hate in the Hispanic community, because they don’t acknowledge the African roots that we do have. Especially in the Dominican culture. You’re not supposed to say that you’re black at all, but clearly the hair says it all! I have to let it loose!

How do you prefer to wear your hair and why?

My favorite way to wear my hair is, like, after the wash.

Okay, so there’s this thing called “the wash and go”. You wash your hair, you condition it, and then you leave the house. That moment, like ten minutes after you wash it is my favorite moment, because it’s like the coils are all on and poppin’, everything is, like, sealed, you know. And then after a while, it’s dry, and you have to reapply moisturizer, but those first ten minutes are heaven.

Do you have favorite hair products that you use?

Oh my god, yes! I love the Shea Moisture line in Target because it’s cheap, and they’re cruelty free. They’re not organic, but they’re cruelty free, and I think that’s cool. There’s this Coconut Hibiscus Cream that makes your coils pop. It’s just like a heaven sent. And it’s $9.99, so shoutout for making that, Target. Also, coconut oil, but that’s a cliché. Everybody loves cocounut oil, and coconut oil loves me. And Argon oil, but that’s it! I try to keep it simple, because my hair doesn’t like too much product. It gets heavy, gross, and a lot of build up.

Who is your hairspiration?

Such a great question! Oh my god, okay, my hairspiration is probably Solange, but with a mix of the girl who plays Rue in The Hunger Games. I don’t know her name.

Amandla Stenberg?

Amandla. She is bae. I love her tumblr, and she always reposts girls with natural hair, and I love it.

Any advice for someone who is looking to make a big change to their look, or someone who is thinking about “The Big Chop”?

I would say that there are gonna be days where you are going to hate the way you look. At least for me, and a lot of my friends. In order for me to get to the point where I am now, I had to go through that phase of hating it, and then being like, “No, this is who I really am.” So, I would say be patient with yourself. It’s you. It’s all you, so there’s no where to hide when you have your natural hair, but it’s also a journey.

It’s more like aesthetics, it’s more like finding yourself, however cliché that sounds. It’s really true. You gotta sit with yourself, and be like, “This is me, there’s nothing else that I can be, this is it.” It’s tough. Now, natural hair has become more of a norm and it’s more acceptable.

I know in high school, or even in middle school it was always the way to be: straight. To have straight hair – completely straight. If you could have it lighter, the better. If you could dye your hair blonde, you know, even though you weren’t naturally blonde, it’d be perfect. But now it’s more acceptable, I’d say.

Anything you want the world to know about your hair, or hair in general? Speak now or forever hold your peace!

I want the world to know that I love my hair! It’s awesome, it’s mine! I’m thinking about cutting it, just trimming it, or doing something crazy to it – like dying it red. Ultimately, I think I’m just going to keep it the way it is, because it’s easy, you know, no fuss. That’s how it should be, but also, just do what you love! (laughs) I hate souding preachy.

change is natural change is natural change is natural

change is natural change is natural change is natural photos by: Isabelle Ryan

REFRESH

Written by: Rachel Patterson

As I sat against a brick wall near my campus’s fine art building I wondered what I would write to inspire feelings of refreshment and renewal into the person reading this piece. It was a lovely day and I was admiring some zinnia flowers that had bloomed on one of the campus gardens nearby. My inner critic said, and I kid you not, in Miranda Preistly’s voice from the Devil Wears Prada, “florals for spring? Groundbreaking…”

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the 2005 movie, it features Anne Hathaway as a young journalist working for Runway fashion magazine editor in chief Miranda Preistly, modeled after the brusque and high maintenance Anna Wintour, editor of American Vogue. Preistly is played by Meryl Streep and let me tell you, she is fabulous.

I have always been a fashion junkie. Little 13-year-old me watched this movie over and over, not quite understanding some of the darker issues in the storyline because I was dazed by the imagery of the city and swaths of Chanel. Fashion has been away for people to reinvent themselves for centuries and inspires boldness. If you have crazy Lady Gaga-esque shoes, wear them and enjoy them regardless of what others think. If you want to dye your hair like Melanie Martinez, go for it.

This movie is full of new starts and new beginnings. Nigel, the matter-of-fact but loveable creative director for Runway created a beginning for himself in the world of fashion by going to sewing classes while his traditional family thought he was at soccer practice. He calls the magazine “a shining beacon of hope for boys like him”.

We have all had a Runway in our lives that we read under the covers, dreaming about what our lives could be. Due to shady business, the hardworking Nigel is passed over for a prominent position when the magazine is merging. His shining beacon of hope has its pitfalls.

Life will try to ruin those beacons of hope sometimes. A phone call or lack of financial stability can hinder the fresh new start that one desires. Sometimes life sends you spinning in eight different directions while you search to create something that will light a fire in your soul. A fresh start can be a huge life change such as moving to a new city or a simple as a new morning when you wake up. The important thing is that while you can feel fear, uncertainty, or hope about changing something is that you continue to pursue something.

One can stare at a blank canvas and be overwhelmed, pick up a brush, and paint something that isn’t what they wanted it to be but the point is that they created something anyways. You always have something you can work with.

Being able to refresh your life and reinvent yourself doesn’t mean erasing your roots, as I have learned. While I grew up in a small town where everyone was expected to be the same and eccentricity was frowned upon, I still appreciate where I come from.

It is refreshing to be able to forgive someone, and refreshing to forgive yourself. I laughed at the little Miranda Preistly inside my head that day because I thought it was funny that my inner critic chose to be her that day, but also because I can write about flowers if I want to. Flowers are nice! Buy yourself flowers, buy flower seeds and grow them if you want. Unleash your potential to refresh and inspire yourself without fear from your inner critic. Failure, no matter how hard it knocks you to the ground, is always a place to grab the dust with both hands and get back up to imagine a new path.

[don’t] take it from me Poppy’s resident pop-culture buff, Elsa collected some of her favorite quotes for when she needs extra “Fresh Start” inspiration.

‘’Life is too short to drink crappy coffee and cry over boys who don’t care.’’

—Matty Healy

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.’’

—John Green, Paper Towns

“With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy?”

—Oscar Wilde

‘’Watch carefully the magic that occurs when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves’’ —Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird.

‘’The flowers told me that when we discover and understand ourselves, we blossom’’ —Jerico Silvers.

‘’…And then I have nature, and art, and poetry and if that is not enough, what is enough?’’

—Vincent Van Gogh.

‘’I’m going to do what I want to do, I’m going to be who I really am, and I’m going to figure out what that is’’.

—Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Guided Meditation by: Alexandra Melnick

i. Close your eyes. You’re here. You’re you. You exist.

I’m here to let you in on a secret. The world you live in is predicated by and presents itself in language. Think about the words you use everyday. What words are you thinking right now in response to this? What words are you using to describe yourself?

Here is another secret: The words you are using to think and be in your past and your present are not heavy rocks, they are light balloons, they are small skipping stones on a lake only you know about.

Pick up a different rock, let go of another balloon. If you do not like or wish you could change your past, you can do so and were always able to do so.

Use your words in a different way. Create your different understanding of your story, create yourself and use your words as lightposts to guide yourself in the future. ii. It is April. You feel it is too late to start and change and yet fear living with the way things are for the rest of the year. Now is your start. In this moment, you are brand new because there is no link to the past and the future, there is only now. Now is never guaranteed, it is a gift given, candies handed out of a handbag until it is all gone.

It can be daytime. It can be flickering twilight. It can be the middle of the night. Take stock of your life, and only take what makes you feel whole. iii. Savor each moment before you open a door. Savor the moment before you make the phone call. Savor the walk as you get picked up from the airport. You can make a change in these moments. iv. It will never be that serious. Enjoy your time on this spinning, small rock.

Stay Tuned...

We’re taking a break next month, so keep your eyes peeled for the next issue we’ll announce the theme this summer, and will be ready to publish issue 5 on September 1st!

find more information on our instagram @poppy.mag