IN THIS
issue:
Issue 5 is all about Facing Your Fears, and the Poppy Contributors made quite a spooky showing! From the first day of school to Halloween, we have plenty of content to keep you ready to take on all the scary things the next few months have to offer!
3.
Behind the Scenes at Poppy Mag
5. Contributors’ Corner (Back to School)
Let us know what you thought of Issue 5 by sending us an email at freneticpoppy@gmail.com, and give our insta a follow @poppy.mag!
7.
Poppy Playlist
8.
“Wearing a Swimsuit in Public”
20.
11.
23.
13.
25.
14.
26.
15.
28.
“Spooks”
“Facing Fears”
Photos by Hannah Burgos
“Drought”
Anxiety Battle Plan
Poetry by Elsa Burgos
[Don’t] Take it From Me
“My Eyes,” 2016 “The Unconscious Fear of “Resting,”2016 Dating a Heroin Addict”
! ps o p , y he
I’m not going to lie to you; these past few months haven’t been easy. Maybe it’s mercury never seeming to not be in retrograde, maybe it’s all the change and growth that’s been going on in life, and maybe it’s the universe trying to teach me something. Either way, it’s been challenging and full of moments that made me want to scream or cry or hide in my bed. Here’s a list of [some of the] things that have scared me lately: Moving My friend’s (lack of) driving skills Starting new classes Potentially failing aformentioned classes Making small talk Calling the pharmacy What people think of me If my dress was appropriate for an event’s dress code Clearly, it’s all over the board. That’s the thing about fear, though. Sometimes it seems rational, and sometimes it seems ridiculous. It might be ridiculous. It might be a tree outside of your window rather than the boogie man you’re imagining. Even so, it feels rational, and it feels like the boogie man. Berating yourself for being irrational isn’t going to make the boogie man go away, though, so go easy on yourself. I can’t tell you that there will never be a boogie man, or that you will always feel ready to fight it. There will be boogie men, and they will be big and scary and overwhelming. I know you, though, and I know that you have resilience and courage and gusto and a whole community of poppies standing behind you. Take a deep breath, hide under the covers for as long as you need, and when you feel ready, let us know. We can all go boogie man hunting together.
xo,
Mads
“Wearing a Swimsuit in Public”
Facing Fears by: Rachel Patterson
It was a fear of mine to ask to be a part of this magazine. I met our lovely editor-in- chief, Madison, several years ago and have always been told I had a knack for writing. However, insecurities swirled my mind and I wondered “What if no one reads what I write? What if I’m uninspiring or just plain untalented?” If I had let fear get in the way, I wouldn’t have been able to be a part of this awesome team that works together to create Poppy. At times the point is not to make fear go away. The point is that it can be ok to be scared. Fear of money, death, college, love, whatever it may be and as uncomfortable as it is, is unavoidable. Courage is not to abolish fear, although it can be. It is more of looking fear in the eye and pursuing life anyways. Malala Yousafzai, Simone Biles, Nellie Bly: all of these women are role models for feeling their own personal fear while achieving something great for themselves, their country, and others. Ask yourself what you would do if you were not afraid. It may not always yield the results you want but that is a part of the process. That’s a part of fear. Sometimes it means looking it dead in the face and not getting what you want or need and that means looking into yourself to find what is needed to keep going. This doesn’t mean pushing your limits so much that you get strung out. It means that the resiliency, creativity, and courage that you possess are essential to living life to its fullest despite fear.
The Unconscious Fea
n oi r e H
t c i Add
r of Dating a
(Written anonymously)
My story began with falling in love. Cosmically, heart explodingly, and full bodied. It was magical, a story of romance that couldn’t have been written better than a fantasizing 1950’s housewife. He was older, I was younger, an ariespassionate, bright, exciting, the hero, and me the wise, alluring, sage of a capricorn. Our match was strong. And our fire even brighter, the intimacy the most raw and most profound of my life. The person who I told “I love you” so simply and unregettably the second night of our romance floating under a sailboat under the stars, would be the same person tell me four months later that he was battling drug addiction. The immediate reaction was feelings of sorry, sorry that he had to hide from me, sorry that the system handed him prescription pain killers like candy at the young age of 16, sorry that he grew up with an addicted mother, and sorry that the past ten years of his life he was battling a demon that took the lives of 570,000 americans, more than the fatalities of car accidents. He told me it was amazing he was alive today. And I was thankful he was too. At around the same time, I was one of those people to have gotten into a car accident. Except, it wasn’t fatal and I basically came out unharmed. Except for pain in my head. Little did I know that this pain would become so familiar, so inspiring, and so debilitating that eight months later I would be writing about my healing process, still. Because, what I have recently discovered, is that in order for me to completely heal I need to face my fears. And I needed to express the overwhelming amount of
sadness and anger that I pushed deep down inside of me while dating a person diseased with addiction. There were times I would want to yell, shout, scream, but all I could do was cry. Because I feared any of my reactions would send him into his darkness. I needed space to compress, to deal with my pain, but the space made him scared of loss. He was flying around me like a moth a lightbulb. The lies were all around us, and he told me later on, it was part of how he existed to preserve his dominating habit. The lies weren’t him, but his disease. But, anything he told me, any plans we wanted to make, I didn’t believe and I didn’t plan on. Talk about living in the present moment. So, while I was struggling on a daily level with pain that would begin at 10am and then lull me to sleep twelve hours later, it was a
wave I was constantly riding, experiencing anywhere between five to seven headaches and I a day. Two of which I would normally have to close my eyes, stop what I was doing, and meditate the pain away. This was hard especially in my 5:30 comparative politics class, which I didn’t like very much anyway. I was also struggling with the relationship I was in. I felt an extreme sense of duty to heal him, to become his last puzzle piece to push him over the edge into permanent recovery. But at one point, I had to let that go and understand I had very little role. That all I could do was offer love and support. There were good times. Of laughter. Amazing, shattering sex. Beautiful moments, quietly singing to each other, strumming on the guitar. Whisking each other away on Sunday afternoon adventures. But I was always afraid. And, in turn, stopped myself being the way I truly wished to be. That is, free spirited, unlimited, constantly expanding, and always questioning. There was a lot I had to let go. A lot of my self expression I subdued. I stopped writing. And I became submissive because of fear of him taking what he didn’t like about me (my flirty nature, my “sexual” instagram photos, or my leg hair) and using it as an excuse to use. I remember saying to myself, “It’s okay. Let it go.” It being me. Take on anatta, be quiet, and be okay. It was this selflessness and this submission of my self that ultimately lead to my freedom on the new moon this past week. Because I realized love to all beings includes love to one self. And for me to be the universal giver I wish to be, I had to express myself freely. And being in a relationship like this wasn’t helping me do so. Despite the deep, deep love I truly felt. Four days before our summer would bring us oceans apart, months without physical touch, he was arrested. The day after he spent the night in jail his dad decide it was time he was sent to a facility, a nurturing place in Seattle, for a little vacation of his own. The morning I flew away was the morning he flew to the rehabilitation center. And receiving updates, seeing his texts, watching his face glow brighter and brighter on the end of my iPhone face time, the place was transforming him in a way that he had known always within for a long time, but was only given the opportunity to intensely heal in that environment surrounded by professionals. I was so happy. The morning I flew away was the morning he flew to the rehabilitation center. And receiving updates, seeing his texts, watching his face glow brighter and brighter on the end of my iPhone face time,
the place was transforming him in a way that he had known always within for a long time, but was only given the opportunity to intensely heal in that environment surrounded by professionals. I was so happy. But still in fear. I finally made my way down to San Diego to see him. And he was himself, but the self he always was struggling to be before. Waking up early, eating healthy, exercising and surfing everyday, and writing and creating. He was so beautiful and it was so magical seeing him healed.Him so reassured. Even though, sadly I wasn’t. It took him telling me on the phone later how that every day of his is a day of intense reflection and vivid reminders to himself. That his addiction is the first and last thing on his mind. That he is so solid and secure in his mindspace that he doesn’t feel the need to ever touch the stuff again. Because if he did, just once, one slip, it would be the end of it
all.
Him, finding his healing, I felt a big sense of weight off of me. I felt like my anxiety to heal, to help, even though i was in a place where I was not strong enough to do so, was lifting. And I flew away again, to be on another coast, this time with my healing and self expression a priority. I wasn’t going to filter myself anymore. I wasn’t going to put myself last. And I was going to do the things that I loved because I realized it was vital to my health. I’ve been reading a book about the mind body connection and how when trauma occurs in one life, or any amount of stressors, pressures, tensions, the conscious mind shoves those threatening and troubling thoughts deep down into our unconscious, which then, can manifest outwardly into physical symptoms, commonly like headaches. With my recent diagnosis of a congenital malformation of my cerebellum,
I was feeling sad and scared of what this meant. But now, I have the power of my own mind to tell me that everything will be okay and I am the master of my pain. And in my healing, it is of utmost vital importance for me to face my fears. Like studying abroad my last semester. Telling my dad that I am my own person and not his. Getting my motorcycle license. And finding a home to live in at the end of the month. And, ending things with my love. But just like the universe is so good to me always, a gift that I constantly ask, ‘why me’ I was gifted a three hour phone call and twelve shooting stars on the night of the recent new moon that ended our romantic, intense love. A conversation of mutual respect and understanding, that he begun, after he admitted to seeing me being so selfless and understanding my happiness means more to him than his selfish tendencies in our relationship. The tears couldn’t stop. Because another repressed emotion sprung forth and I felt so liberated and so content. After telling me how much I have changed him, how much I was his final puzzle piece to curing himself, that he wouldn’t have been where he was today because of me, because he was on the phone with me the night he was arrested, that I am the most remarkable love he has ever had and assumes he will ever have, he told me we couldn’t be the way we were being anymore. To take a big step back. And as I laid there that night, looking up to the star light drapery of the cosmos, seeing all the stars dazzle by me, I made my wishes for him, his mother, myself and the world. This is my expression. This is me. This is the strength of my womanhood and the beautiful divinity of myself. I am no longer apologizing, I am no longer settling, I am no longer submitting. I am no longer living in fear.
Anxiety:
Stop – just for a few seconds. Close your eyes, take a breath, and notice your anxiety.
Start Here Can you figure out why you’re anxious?
Can you do anything about it right now?
Yes
r
I Can Late
t!
a Do th
Yes No
Write it down or set an alarm
Feel Better? Yay!
Not yet
by: Madison Ryan
No
Check out this list of resources - add any coping strategies that you have found helpful, too!
With school starting again, it seems like the whole world is bracing for an increase in stress and anxiety. It’s easy to get overwhelmed between work, school, relationships, and the future looming in the distance. Whether you’re dealing with situational anxiety, occasional stressors, or a full blown anxiety disorder, it can be helpful to have an arsenal of ressources in your back pocket. After years of field research (a lot of therapy), I’ve come up with a anxiety battle plan.
Resources:
You can use as many of these as often as you need to help cope with, or reduce your anxiety. Don’t forget that it can be important to talk to a professional if your coping strategies aren’t helping.
Quick Fix
- silly putty - stretch - do a breathing exercise – my favorite goes like this: inhale deeply for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds. Try repeating it six times and see how you feel. - drink water – preferably with a straw! - sing a song that dramatically channels your feelings - put on lotion that smells nice (it’s an easy excuse to give yourself a mini massage) - jump around for 30 seconds to get all that nervous energy out - sit on a yoga ball and bounce around - search the internet for videos of baby animals, people painting, babies laughing, or comedians breaking character on SNL
Got a few Mins? - snuggle time with a favorite pet or stuffed animal - organize some aspect of your life – a corner of your room, your schedule, your makeup collection. (It can feel nice to have order and a sense of control in a small capacity when everything feels overwhelming) - find a yoga video on Youtube and try it out - take a power nap - watch an episode of your favorite TV show - dump all your thoughts and feelings into a journal - treat yourself to a home spa treatment – a face mask, a bubble bath, etc - put on a full face of make up for no reason - work out – go for a jog outside, find a dance workout on YouTube, or bike around the neighborhood - paint your nails
BOYMAN. As I was trying your jeans on your name deconstructed, the sound of your voice distorted I didn’t know the touch of your hand on my skin anymore I forgot it. It dissolved slowly until there was no trace like a wound already closed and healed. A wound of so many memories with so many smiles around it and in my dreams we hug in that way that it’s just ours You and me We shake hands, look at eachother for a while as if I’m trying to memorize your face, we smile and walk opposite sides but with peace of mind for where there was magic it could never be a wrong way.
Poetry by Elsa Burgos
To my friends. (I could go on forever) Orange sunset caffeinated ’till the bone matching rings that tell a friendship extreme humidity but laughing ’till the sun went down My ripped jeans telling me he will come soon this town has given me so much love has teached me so much I adore the girl who fixes her nose for the pictures and has the sweetest heart I adore the girl who has the gift to listen to others and understands me more than anyone I adore the boy whom I never hang out much with but I know he would understand anything I adore the boy who broke my heart but teached me so much and made me laugh uncontrollably every single day I adore the girl who stood up for me unexpectedly but without thinking twice I adore them all and all of them this town gave me.
[don’t] take it from me curated by: Elsa Burgos
“If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely” —Roald Dahl.
“I love myself the quietest simplest most powerful revolution ever.” - unknown
‘’Self love isn’t selfish, it’s important’’
“If you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far go together” African proverb
“When you’re truly changing, you’ll notice. You’ll be stripped of everything that no longer has a place in your evolution” —Alex Elle.
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