JOURNAL January 2013 of my life with Wilson
es entur v d a ’s ilson W w o Foll k at: .co.u t daily o p s log rs2.b a w t n //a http:
Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permission of TamanduaGirl: www.livingwithanteaters.com
Tuesday Wilson has revealed his New Year's Resolutions 2013, posting them on the fridge for all to see. There are fewer than last year, as he thinks they will be easier to observe. I guess number six is mainly down to me, anyway. I've started using the new monthly Journals that W gave me for Xmas, and also trying to write more neatly. Let's wait and see how I do! wednesday With Xmas and the New Year celebrations out of the way, life is returning to normal. For Wilson, this appears to mean spending a lot of time in the kitchen with his mysterious cardboard boxes, while I am forbidden to enter. He's told me that 'All will be revealed tomorrow... or the next day.' It's difficult not to fear the worst...
thursday This morning, Wilson invited me into the kitchen for a cup of coffee... and to reveal his new business plan. On the counter was the largest coffee machine I've ever seen outside of a restaurant, and the worktops were all covered with stacks of paper cups. Wilson proudly handed me a paper cup containing what he described as a 'Wilson Special NY Triple Macchiato.' I sat down to drink my coffee while W explained how this would make us 'Richer than Richard Branson, the 19th Richest Person in the UK!'
friday Wilson's plan is to put adverts on the local radio stations and newspapers, offering to deliver "the perfect cup of coffee. Any time. Day or night." He says loads of people on Twitter had been asking for such a service, and who better to provide it than him? There was a period of silence, which I broke by asking who would be delivering the coffees. 'Me, of course!' he exclaimed, 'I'll go to the customer's house or office in the car, or "coffeemobile" as it will be called, then I hop out, deliver the coffee and collect the money!' 'We both know you're too young to drive, so... ?' 'Well, you'll do the driving, obviously! You'll be the driver, while I will make the coffee and work the SatNav!' I thought this over for a few microseconds, then asked, 'So at any time, day or night, I might have to jump into the car and drive you to a customer's house?' 'No, no, you jump into the coffeemobile!' he interrupted. 'Whatever,' I continued, 'it's the any time day or night part that's worrying me.' 'I haven't finished designing the logo for the cups - that's what's worrying me!' he replied.
saturday Wilson seems a bit withdrawn today, I hope he's alright... sunday I didn't mean to knock the wind out of Wilson's sails when I refused to be on 24-hour standby to deliver coffee to his customers, but an air of ennui has descended on him. He's spent the last couple of days sitting listlessly in the tumble dryer with Antony, with no real interest in anything. This is so unlike his usual enthusiastic, earnest self. Oh dear. I shall have to try to think of something to cheer him up...
monday Wilson is still not right: he sleeps all the time instead of most of the time, he's off his food, even his favourites, and he won't come out of the tumble dryer even to watch tv. My first thought was to take him to the vet, or maybe back to the animal psychiatrist, but then I remembered that they always tell me the same thing: it's nothing physical, he's just living a life not altogether suitable for an anteater. So, I've reached a decision. I've written to his mum, Mrs Vermilingua, at the zoo, explaining the problem and asking her whether she could have Wilson to stay for a few days, to get back in touch with his family roots and his anteater origins. I haven't mentioned this to W yet, I'll wait and see what Mrs V says first.
tuesday Wilson came out of the tumble dryer this morning and ate a light breakfast of Weetabix with ant sprinkles, then went back to sleep on the sofa. He wouldn't even drink any coffee, saying that the memory was 'too painful.' I hope the postman brings a message from his mother today...
wednesday I've received a very nice letter from Wilson's mum, in which she says she would be delighted to have him to stay for a few days. She mentioned that she'd been afraid something like this might happen as 'little Boo has always been very driven and intense,' adding that she was sure some 'home cooking and cuddling will put him right in no time.' I went to the tumble dryer and shook Wilson's shoulder gently and asked him if he'd like to go and stay with him mum for a little while. He opened one eye and said, 'My Mum? Mrs Vermilingua? Yes, I'd like that!' I left him in the dryer, but a little while ago I heard him rummaging through his stuff getting ready to pack. Several people have sent get-well wishes to Wilson we both appreciate their kind thoughts.
thursday Wilson is busy getting everything together to pack in his suitcase. He's decided to leave Antony and the as-yet-unnamed micro toy anteater here, in case his numerous half- and step-siblings think they are a gift for them. He's leaving his Wellington boots here for the same reason, but is taking his (i.e. my) iPad, so he can keep in touch. He is also taking his Polaroid camera and has promised to take lots of photos. I've given him a packet of spicy dried ants as a small gift for his mother, and some crayons and colouring books for all his siblings.
friday Wilson was up before dawn this morning, having realised he'd forgotten to pack Drinking Chocolate, Squirty Cream and Marshmallows. He is VERY excited - I don't know how he'll pass the time until we set off tomorrow without exploding!
saturday Today dawned damp, cold and miserable, but Wilson has been like a little ball of sunshine! He was up at first light, carried his suitcase out onto the drive and is now sitting in the car waiting for me. W has promised to write and to email me every day with news of what he's been up to! We'll be setting off in a few minutes...
sunday I've just received an email from Wilson! He says he's having a very nice time, and his mother did remember who he was. His family has grown a lot bigger since he last visited, and so has his mum who has apparently put on a lot of weight, while simultaneously being smaller than he remembered. He had some complaints too, though: it seems there is no Sky+ or Wi-Fi in his family's enclosure, the lack of which he considers inhumane. Also he had to sleep in a bed made of straw which, while primitive, he said did have a comforting and familiar smell about it. He sent a copy of a Polaroid of him with his mum - he certainly does seem to have had a growth spurt since I last saw them together! (Wilson is on the left.)
monday Another email from Wilson saying that it was a lot of fun playing with other anteaters again. He sent a Polaroid of himself romping with one of his step-brothers, and he does seem to have lost the self-consciousness that sometimes troubles him. He says the family routine is to all watch Jeremy Kyle in the morning, Celebrity Big Brother before bed and fill the time between playing, eating and sleeping. When I got back from taking Wilson to the zoo Saturday, I found a strange message on the answerphone; another one arrived last night. I must ask W about this.
tuesday In today's email, Wilson says that his mother was sick again this morning, right in the middle of Jeremy Kyle, but his big sister, Andrea, assured him that it's nothing to worry about. He also sent a photo of Andrea who is apparently his only sibling older than W himself. More weird telephone messages; I shall be having a word with W as soon as he gets home.
wednesday Wilson has just emailed me to say that the nice man they all call 'The Keeper' came round this morning and gave everyone in his family a strange fruit. He tickled W's head, telling him he might need this fruit to keep his strength up, and said he should leave his mum in peace today. Apparently the fruit is very tasty, but W is concerned that this sinister 'Keeper' is grooming him; he mentioned this to Andrea, though, and she put his mind at rest. Since he's been told to keep away from his mother, Andrea is teaching him to knit.
thursday Great News from Wilson: He Is a Brother! Again! Wilson's family has grown even more with the birth of a new stepsister last night. He has emailed me to say it was the grossest thing he's ever seen in his life, and to assure me that he will never have any children. His mum is now resting. The Keeper came round to see her and the new baby, and looked very pleased. Andrea explained everything to W, but he is still pretty shaken up!
friday Today's email from Wilson says that his new baby sister is 'adorable!'. He says he got to hold her last night and although she looks as though she's made of Blu-Tack she's actually very beautiful, has a cute little tongue and smells lovely. He's going to ask his mum if he can take her out to play in the snow tomorrow, or whether he should wait until she grows some fur.
saturday I'm snowed-in at home, so Wilson will have to stay with his family at the zoo a little longer than planned. His new baby stepsister is still unnamed, but some of W's friends have sent suggestions, the most popular being Carmen and Laura. I emailed these to W last night and he's just replied that his mum already has two Carmens (Big Carmen and Little Carmen), so he's just putting forward the suggestion of Laura. It's his personal favourite, because it reminds him of Lara Croft, and he says that's who the baby will be like! He says that he's passing the time between Jeremy Kyle and Celebrity Big Brother by playing with the baby (who, incredibly, can already walk!) and knitting a scarf for her. Andrea is still having to help quite a lot with that, as he keeps dropping stitches.
sunday More snow today, so Wilson is still marooned at the zoo. In today's email he sounded a bit desperate, saying that The Keeper had taken him for a walk outside but insisted that he wear a leash. W said he had never felt so degraded in his life, and this was Health & Safety gone mad! Also, he's now run out of film for his Polaroid and the 3G credit on his iPad is so low he can only send one more email, so I must come and get him forthwith! I'm off to check the weather forecast and hope for the best...
monday Today has dawned cold and grey, but I feel compelled to do something to restore Wilson to his home. His final email message, which used up the last of his credit, said, 'I have run out of marshmallows for my hot chocolate. Things are desperate. You must rescue me soon! HELP!' There's not been much more snow overnight, and the temperature is slowly edging up to zero, so I'm going to dig the car out and try to reach the zoo to liberate Wilson. Wish me good luck.
I may be gone for some time...
tuesday Well, Wilson is now safely home again. Once I got out of the village the roads weren't too bad and I reached the zoo without mishap. There was a very touching farewell scene when Wilson departed, with his mum hugging him and all his siblings and step-siblings standing in a row waving. Andrea was holding baby Laura, who waved and called, 'Bye bye uncle Boo!' Several of W's new stepfathers were skulking in the background too, but he ignored them. W waved and waved as we drove away, and there were a few tears on the journey home, but now he's settled in and working once more on Laura's scarf. He's talking about going sledging tomorrow, but today he just wants to stay in the warm, snacking and snoozing.
wednesday There was no new snow overnight, but there is still enough for Wilson to go sledging! He set off, dragging the sledge behind him with Antony sitting on it, then returned a couple of hours later, still dragging the sledge, and still with Antony sitting on it. He came in and I made him a hot chocolate with squirty cream and extra marshmallows, but he told me Antony wasn't allowed any as 'He refused to pull the sledge back with me on it!'
I pointed out that the snow would have come over Antony's head, and that after all he is only a small stuffed toy, and W relented, allowing him two marshmallow pieces!
thursday Since returning from his holiday, Wilson has been spending a lot of time listening to his iPad and humming tunelessly under his breath. Sometimes I can make out a line or two of the song: I am the son And the heir something shyness something criminally vulgar I am something something Of nothing in particular Out of the blue, he asked me if I liked The Smiths, as his sister Andrea had really turned him on to them. Oh no! Teen Angst... and he's not yet even six!
friday Wilson has just got back from the village, as he 'needed' to buy some gladioli. While he was out there were a couple of calls for him. I took down their numbers so he could phone them back on his return, but I was surprised to find that both calls were from America! If W is regularly making peak-time transatlantic calls, I shall have to have a word with him...
saturday When Wilson returned from the village with his gladiolus, I mentioned the phone calls and gave him the numbers. Later I caught a snatch of one of his conversations: 'Well, what time is it there? ... Really? ... No, I don't think I can make that in time...' When he'd hung up, he explained that there had been a 'misunderstanding' when he placed the adverts for his Coffee Delivery Service in the local newspapers. I raised my eyebrows questioningly, and he elaborated, explaining that he had no idea there was a Brighton in Brooklyn. And in Colorado. And Boston. Likewise a Worthing in South Dakota, a Newhaven in Connecticut and a Lewes in Delaware. 'I did wonder,' he reflected, 'why all the adverts were priced in $... maybe that should have been a clue.'
sunday Today, over a cup of coffee, Wilson announced that he'd talked it over with his mother, Mrs Vermilingua, and had reached a difficult decision about his coffee delivery business. Mrs V told him that one of his ancestors, Great Great Uncle Gilbertian, had lost all his money investing in Costa Rican coffee futures, and that since his ruination, coffee had been like a curse on the Vermilingua family. Except for drinking it, obviously! Therefore, he said, he was reluctantly 'ceasing trading forthwith, and putting the coffee machine and the paper cups on eBay.'
monday Wilson was getting on with baby Laura's scarf this morning, and asked me how long I thought it should be. Laura is only a week old, so I told him I thought it was probably already big enough, and even if it was on the large side she would soon grow into it. I took this opportunity to talk to W about the coffee machine and the paper cups, which he intends to put on eBay. I really like the coffee from the machine, and using paper cups would dramatically cut down on washing-up, so I suggested we keep both the machine and the cups. The kitchen is just about full of boxes of paper cups, so I wondered whether W would consent to storing them in the Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot... and to my surprise, he agreed! As he pointed out, we'll probably have used them all up by the time the museum opens to the public.
tuesday Wilson has decided that baby Laura's scarf is probably long enough, but before he sends it off to her he insisted on testing it for warmth and softness.
wednesday Wilson's verdict on baby Laura's scarf is that it performed well enough in yesterday's test, but that maybe that appraisal wasn't challenging enough. For this reason he has headed out into the snow to see how the scarf functions in more trying circumstances. I did at least manage to persuade him to wear his boots during the evaluation, and I've got a mug of hot chocolate ready for him when he comes back in from the cold with his verdict.
Thursday Neither Wilson nor I have the faintest idea how to cast-off Baby Laura's scarf. Although we researched it on the internet, it looked way too complicated in the little diagrams, so he is posting it to his Big Sister Andrea so she can cast it off and give it to Laura.
The weather is much better today so after we've been to the post office to mail the scarf we're going on to a garden centre to see whether we can be inspired for the coming summer.