Ant wars ii june 2013

JOURNAL Ju n e 2 0 1 3 of my life with Wilson

es entur v d a ’s ilson W w o Foll k at: .co.u t daily o p s log rs2.b a w t n //a http:

Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permission of TamanduaGirl: www.livingwithanteaters.com

saturday

Wilson has spied a small statue that he likes, which would fit the niche in the folly and is in all ways ideal… except for the price.

Taking his cue from his Antiques Road Trip heroes Anita Manning, James Lewis and Philip Serrell he told the

proprietor, ‘I really like this!. It’s very cheeky, but it’s a lot

more than I want to pay. I’m going to offer you… £7.25 for it. What do you say?

We were asked to leave the shop.

Standing outside on the pavement, Wilson confided that either bargaining is much harder than it at first appears, or Antiques Road Trip is a set-up.

I incline to the latter view.

sunday

Finally Wilson has found something he likes and which he can (just

about) afford. It really is very pretty, although I think it’s only a reproduction.

W’s only disappointment is that in spite of 20 minute’s of haggling he had to pay the full asking price.

monday

Wilson has installed the new bust in the niche in the Folly! It

looks very well there, and everyone is happy — even Antony is no longer scared to go into the garden with his Tiny Toy.

This strikes me as a Very Good Result!

tuesday

Wilson is now getting very excited about our holiday in Jersey;

so excited that he has already packed his case and can no longer sleep at night.

To calm him down and give him something else to think about, I’m taking him up to London to see HMS Belfast, an old WWII warship moored on the River Thames.

I hear that there is a lot of machinery to see and a lot of climbing involved, so he should enjoy it.

wednesday

Here you can see Wilson in the engine room of HMS Belfast, looking at the Engine Room Repeater.

He is puzzled by the command to “Make Smoke”, and I have to confess I can’t explain it either. In any case, the entire ship is a no-smoking area...

Thursday

Now we have descended even further into the bowels of the ship’s engine room, and Wilson is examining the ship’s boilers.

He keeps wiggling knobs and saying, ‘Make it so, Mister Riker!’

friday

Wilson really loved the engine rooms and we seemed to spend most of our time down there. Eventually we emerged and

Wilson announced that he was starving and would like to visit the Ship’s Mess for lunch.

All that was on offer on-board were light snacks, so we’re heading ashore, or ‘Going on shore leave’ as W puts it, in search of ‘rations - and a tot of rum’!

saturday

Before we could leave HMS Belfast we obviously had to Exit

Through the Gift Shop, and Wilson decided that the one thing in the world he couldn’t live without was a sailors’ cap.

Once ashore, it doesn’t take him long to find a restaurant.

sunday

Here we are at London’s famous

Tower Bridge. Wilson wants to take the

tour of the bridge, which includes the

huge engines and a

walk along the upper

gantry, but there just isn’t time today.

I promise him that we will return and take

the tour another day.

monday

On the way back to the station to catch our train back to

Uckfield, we pass these tiny fountains set into the ground.

Wilson is not fond of water, in fact he actively dislikes it, but he can’t resist playing the game of trying to run through the fountains without getting wet.

He leaves his hat with me for safe keeping, but when he has finished he is barely damp.

tuesday

Here we are at the station boarding the train home.

Wilson was exhausted

and slept for most of the journey, rousing himself

occasionally to shout phrases like, ‘Full Ahead Stern’ or ‘Start Making Smoke’...

much to the amusement of the other passengers.

wednesday

In spite of hating water (he thinks I don’t know he only

pretends to shower) Wilson is quite fastidious about his

personal hygiene. He will use only Wright’s Coal Tar Soap, for example, and his favourite brand of aloe vera-impregnated toilet tissue.

As a luxury he treated himself to a new brand of moist wipes: Andrex Kids’ Fun Watermelon Fragrance Moist Wipes. He

was very disappointed in them, storming out of the bathroom complaining that they weren’t fun at all!

I tried to calm him down by asking whether they were any less fun than his usual brand, but he said that moist wipes are never

fun! It was only when I pointed out that he’d bought them twofor-the-price-of-one that he agreed not to fire off a very stiff email to Andrex.

thursday

Guess what Wilson found waiting for him when he opened his

in-box this morning - a photo of himself in the captain’s chair of HMS Belfast!

One of his friends, Bob, was visiting the ship the same day we were, and asked W whether he’d pose for this photo.

How kind! Thank you, Wilson’s friend Bob!

friday

The new series of Big Brother started last night and, in a

triumph of hope over experience, we sat down to watch the

new housemates arrive. They turned out to be another bunch of self-absorbed, pretentious boors of the sort who get human beings a bad name.

‘Quelle surprise!’ as Wilson observed.

Today, though, we have started packing for our forthcoming holiday - we’re off to Jersey in a few days!

Wilson has made all the arrangements so I shall just sit back and enjoy the experience.

W has promised me that it will be ‘A holiday we will never forget!’

I so hope he means that in a good way…

saturday

Wilson’s OBE has, once again, not been ratified in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List. He magnanimously suggested that she ‘probably had other things on her mind, what with Mr Prince Philip being in hospital and everything.’

Wilson too has other things on his mind as he makes last-minute preparations for our Jersey Holiday. He says that he’s only taking the ‘bare essentials’ for himself, but there is only room

for me to take a very small bag of my things — barely more than a change of underclothes.

Diesel the Goldfish is spending the holiday with the people

next door, while sTony and sToneye have been given strict

instructions not to frighten Antony or Tiny Toy, who are also remaining at home.

sunday

We’re off! Wilson has chosen to begin the journey in the back

of the car, so he can organise our travel documents. My own research suggested that we wouldn’t need passports at any stage, but W has brought them along ‘just in case.’ I hope the

need doesn’t arise, because W’s passport is just a photocopy of mine with my details Tippexed out and his written in over the top!

Today being Fathers’ Day, W gave me a cute home-made card and a CD of Bob Dylan’s 1993 album, ‘World Gone Wrong’ which I shall play on the first leg of our journey from Uckfield to

Lyndhhurst in the New Forest, where we shall stop for lunch.

Since Wilson is in charge of our schedule, I’m expecting a lot of refreshment breaks…

monday

Having arrived in Lyndhurst, a pretty little village in the

heart of the New Forest, we parked up and went in search of lunch.

It turns out that Lyndhurst is home to a major Ferrari

dealership - when we came upon it, Wilson rushed up to the most expensive car on the forecourt and insisted that I photograph him standing next to it.

‘As soon as I’m a millionaire,’ he said, ‘this is the car I shall have. You can come on holiday in it with me, New Dad, but you’re going to have to cut right back on your luggage!’

Photographing W next to his dream car is one thing, but I drew the line when he wanted to go inside and discuss discounts and personalised numberplates with one of the salesmen. Apart from anything else, I was starting to feel very hungry.

In case you’re wondering, he can’t decide between

WIL50NS and ANT54ME… good to know he’s got his priorities right!

tuesday

I finally dragged Wilson away from the Ferrari showroom and we found somewhere nice for lunch.

Time was passing, though, and I began to suspect that we

wouldn’t be in Jersey by this evening. Wilson, however, remains tight-lipped about our schedule, saying that I should just relax and enjoy whatever happens.

The word ‘whatever’ troubles me a little...

wednesday

Following lunch we made our way back to the car, pausing only for Wilson to buy a spare bucket and spade.

You might be surprised how long it can take to find the ‘perfect’ bucket and spade, but W is nothing if not a

perfectionist, examining the colours in daylight and pretending to dig the shop floor so he could ‘test the action.’

I think the shopkeeper was reaching the end of her patience

when W finally announced, ‘I’ll take these, thank you!’ passing her the bucket and spade which had first caught his eye in the window before we even entered the shop.

We’re now back in the car and about to set off for Poole Harbour, and thence to Jersey. Hurrah!

Thursday

We were making good time to Poole, Wilson navigating while I

drove, and were passing through Christchurch when W suddenly instructed me to take a sharp left into a car park.

‘We’re not in Poole yet - why have we stopped?’ I asked

W silently pointed to a poster advertising a vintage car show

and fun fair in the adjacent park… so naturally, we had to visit it.

First stop was the Test Your Strength booth, where W’s impressive skills with a mallet won him a toy football.

Something else to find room for in the car…

friday

Next was a small roundabout ride with aeroplanes — Wilson said it took him back to those happy days before his pilot’s licence was revoked.

I reminded him that he’d never actually had a pilot’s licence

but he replied with an off-hand ‘whatever’ and started making very loud airplane engine noises as he took off for a second ride.

As he whizzed past above my head he called down to me, ‘I am

like the reincarnation of my Great, Great … Grandfather, the legendary “Blue Baron!”’

saturday

Leaving the fairground area we moved on to the vintage car

display. Wilson found this period roadster and declared it to be even cooler than the red Ferrari he’d previously fallen in love with.

He asked me to photograph him standing next to it, cursing that he hadn’t brought his Fedora hat with him.

‘I would have looked so Bugsy Malone with this car!’ he remarked, and I couldn’t disagree.

What with these constant diversions, I’m sure we’re never

going to make it to the ferry before dark, but Wilson remains

relaxed and has assured me that our next stop will be Poole gateway to the Channel Islands!

SUndAY

Just when I had begun to think that maybe the Jersey holiday was nothing more than a myth, a pretext to get me to drive

him from one amusement park to another, we arrived at the Premier Inn in Poole and Wilson announced that we would

be stopping here overnight and catching the Jersey Ferry the following day.

While I took our

suitcases from the car, Wilson tried to attract the

attention of a bellhop to carry the

luggage up to our room.

While he has

watched Grand Hotel and

Separate Tables,

even Gold Diggers of 1935 on tv, I

suspect this is his

first experience

of a budget hotel.

I hope he’s not disappointed by its lack of opulence‌ and room service.

monday

Wilson unpacked his ‘essentials’ then climbed straight in to his

bed, saying that he was going to read his Jersey Guidebook and plan our itinerary before settling down.

Within minutes the book had fallen from his paws and he was snoring contentedly.

I hope he gets a good night’s sleep as he has a big day tomorrow!

tuesday

We were torn from deep sleep at 4.30am by the fire alarm!

It stopped after thirty seconds or so, and I was content to

think it was a false alarm and go back to bed. Wilson, though, had other ideas; he grabbed his (well, my) VISA card and rushed down to reception, where he announced ‘I’m not having a

Good Night, and nor is my New Dad - I would like to claim my guaranteed refund, please!’

The receptionist was very apologetic, confirmed that it had

been a false alarm and refunded the price of our room without question.

Wilson seemed very happy when he returned to our room,

punching the air and shouting, ‘Result! I may spend our refund in Duty Free on the ferry tomorrow!’

Then he jumped into his bed and was snoring again within seconds.

wednesday

At last, the day of departure dawns! Before going to the Ferry Terminal, we went to the harbour to take a look at the vessel that was to transport us: the mighty Condor Vitesse.

Wilson didn’t think it looked very big and got it into his head that the cars would have to park on the triangular deck at the front - he begged me not to drive over the

edge into the sea, and to be sure to

put the handbrake on. He also said

that perhaps he’d

get out of the car before I drove

onto the deck at

all, ‘just in case you DO drive over the edge!’

In the event,

though, all was

well - we drove through massive doors into the

car deck, which was as big as

a multi-storey

impressed.

car park. Wilson was greatly

thursday

Leaving the car we made our way up to the passenger decks and found our seats.

Wilson was a bit nervous about being sea-sick, or the ferry sinking.

I gave him a junior aspirin and told him it was a seasickness tablet, then he settled down to read the safety brochure about emergency exits and evacuation procedures.

This might be a long trip.

friday

Once we set sail Wilson soon relaxed and stopped worrying about sinking.

We went out onto the observation deck, where he posed for this picture. It was VERY windy, so we quickly returned

inside where Wilson headed off to Duty Free to buy some gin, the staple ingredient of Ant Gin.

When he returned he said that it was a bit cheaper, but not much.

‘I think I can buy LiDL’s own-

brand for less,’ he said, ‘so that’s what I’ll do when we get back

to England. Unless they’ve got a LiDL in Jersey, of course.’

My spirits sank a little at the thought of travelling to a holiday destination

then traipsing round a low-end

supermarket where the staff shout at you…

saturday

We have arrived in Jersey! After booking in to our hotel we had a brief look around St Hellier, when Wilson insisted on

phoning his mum, Mrs Vermilingua, from one of the cute and unfamiliar yellow phone boxes.

Then we returned to our hotel and spent an hour in the bar before retiring to to our room for the night.

Although we’re still technically in the

UK, Wilson is VERY

excited to be ‘abroad’ for the first time!