Ant wars ii october 2013

JOURNAL October 2013 of my life with Wilson

es entur v d a ’s ilson W w o Foll k at: .co.u t daily o p s log rs2.b a w t n //a http:

Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permission of TamanduaGirl: www.livingwithanteaters.com

thursday

Wilson is now safely home, and I have to say it’s good to have him back! However, he is not alone - one of his little brothers

has come to stay for a few days. When I arrived at the zoo

W had previously told him I wouldn’t mind, and he was already packed, so what could I say?

His name is Kenneth Byron Eustace Vermilingua, but everyone calls him Byron. He’s quite a bit younger than Wilson, although they are almost the same size.

They are both exhausted - Wilson by his holiday, Byron by

the drive home - so they’ve gone to bed for a rest. They’re

sleeping in the washing machine as the tumble dryer is too small for them both at the same time, and Byron won’t sleep alone.

Actually, I doubt he’ll be sleeping at all - there is a constant

sound of whispering and giggling coming from the utility room!

friday

When they finally emerged from the washing machine, Wilson and Byron had breakfast together this morning.

Byron, being much younger than W, has not yet mastered eating with cutlery so to avoid embarrassment they both ate from the food bowl that Byron brought with him.

Apparently it’s only his family who call him Byron, the zoo

keepers call him Eustace, which is why that is the name engraved on his bowl.

saturday

The boys were up early this morning — well before me — and I couldn’t find them anywhere.

I searched the house without success… then just as I was

leaving the spare bedroom they jumped out of the wardrobe, shouting ‘BOO!’

They’ve spent the rest of the day playing hide-and-seek

in increasingly unlikely places, and taking a heavy toll on my nerves.

I can easily understand why their Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, drinks so much Ant Gin. I may need to have a glass myself soon, for entirely medicinal purposes!

sunday

Today Wilson

introduced Byron to Antony, Tiny

Toy and Polly-B. This is a bit

delicate, since the

last thing W wants is for any of his

soft toys to decide

they’d rather go to

live at the zoo with his brother and his family.

Yesterday, Waitrose published Wilson’s recipe for Ant Lasagne in their on-line “Marvellous Mince Handbook” page - W is SO _____> proud! Take a look at the page opposite.

To celebrate, he says he’ll cook this very dish for tonight’s

dinner, and Byron will be his sous-chef in charge of ants. Mmmm.

Another night I’ll spend picking ant legs out from between my teeth...

Incidentally, I wonder if anyone reading this recognised the

framed sketch in yesterday’s ‘spare bedroom’ photo? It’s by a person who’s very famous for something other than art.

monday

It’s been so wet today that the boys have been playing indoors in the living room. Tag, Piggy-Back Rides and WWF Wrestling are their favourites, and they do play very nicely together.

The occasional argument breaks out of course (‘No I’ll be Hulk

Hogan, you can be Dwayne The Rock!’) but nothing serious. And as I always say, broken ornaments can be replaced.

And furniture.

And electrical appliances, I suppose...

I hope it’s dry enough for them to play outdoors tomorrow!

tuesday

Today dawned chilly and damp, but not actually raining, so I’ve sent the boys into the garden to play. They’re out there now playing ‘Ant Race’ which is a highly competitive game in which each player tries to eat the most ants in a given time.

This being mid-October I think they’ll be lucky to find any ants at all, and in fact it looks as though Byron has fallen asleep...

which will give W the option of smacking his lips together noisily and claiming a victory.

In anteater circles this is not ‘cheating’ so much as ‘gamesmanship’. Apparently.

wednesday

Today Byron was introduced to Diesel the Goldfish. Wilson regards Diesel as a wonderful and exotic pet, but to his annoyance Byron was not greatly impressed.

‘There are much bigger and brighter fish in the aquarium at

the zoo’ he remarked to W ‘and I’m on first-name terms with many of them.’

I think Diesel might have been a little

bit disappointed too,

though it’s very hard to be sure with fish.

thursday

Following yesterday’s anticlimactic meeting with Diesel the

Goldfish, Wilson was pretty sure today’s introduction would be more successful, so he was full of confidence as he took

Byron into the garden to meet the sTone Brothers, sTony and sToneye.

Byron immediately burst into tears and ran indoors. Since then he has refused to venture into the garden alone.

The thing is, Wilson has no idea how scary the sTone Brothers look if you’ve not been properly prepared. Or even if you have been, come to that - they still make me nervous…

friday

Taking advantage of a rare dry spell, Wilson took Byron round to the Folly to meet the Earwig Family in the Bee Hotel. He was very surprised to find the hotel empty once again, the earwigs having vacated it!

Byron found a tiny handwritten note addressed to ‘Deer

Mista Wislon’ in which the earwigs thanked W for allowing them to stay in the hotel rent-free and announcing that they had decided to resume their nomadic life-style. ‘Wunderin is in

our blud.’ the note explained, ‘Xept that we don hav no blud.

Eneway thanc yu.’

‘Barely literate,’ Wilson reflected, ‘but kindly meant! I wish them well in their travels, they are a maligned species.’

The two anteaters

then returned to the house, where Wilson

explained the concept of Hallowe’en, which is not celebrated in

the zoo and of which Byron knew nothing.

saturday

Wilson explained all about Hallowe’en to Byron. He told him

that it was a pagan festival invented in pre-Christian times by the Hallmark company in America, and that the point of it was to terrify your neighbours by dressing up then threatening

them into giving you sweets. He also said that the god of the festival is called Jack, and he is a pumpkin.

Byron seemed somewhat puzzled by this explanation, but W

just shrugged and said that he didn’t make the rules up, he just took the sweets.

Then they went into the village to choose some pumpkins in Waitrose.

sunday

Last night Wilson checked with me whether the clocks went

forward or backward, then went round the house adjusting

them all. Byron saw him doing this, assumed it was a game, and

proceeded to adjust them all as well. Including the ones W had already done. By random amounts…

This morning there was a very competitive air in the kitchen

as the pumpkins were carved. Byron has gone for the winsome

look, while Wilson has opted for downright scary! I am supposed to judge them later, which I’m not looking forward to. I’m

guessing that Dead Heat for Joint First Place won’t cut it…

Artist of the framed print in the spare bedroom is: theoretical physicist RICHARD FEYNMAN.

No one correctly identified him as the artist of this cute sketch!

monday

This morning the time came for me to judge the Best Carved Pumpkin competition. Both boys carried their entries into the garden, set them down on the lawn and looked at me expectantly.

I had been dreading this moment, as someone was certain

to be disappointed. However, as the two entries had been carved in such contrasting styles I decided to award two

prizes - one for the Cutest Pumpkin, one for the Scariest.

Everyone seemed satisfied, although Wilson complained that there should have been an additional prize for the Largest Pumpkin, while Byron argued for a Smallest Pumpkin prize,

and another prize for the pumpkin carved by the youngest competitor.

Sibling rivalry is a terrible thing.

tuesday

The boys have been in the kitchen for most of the day making pumpkin soup from the carved-out insides of their prizewinning pumpkins.

Wilson says that it’s his Secret Recipe, but as far as I can see

it’s just all the old favourites boiled up together: Ant Gin, Ants, Onion, Chillies and Stock all stirred into a Pumpkin base. Not forgetting an Ant Garnish, of course!

They’re planning to eat it when they return from Trick-orTreating on Thursday, to warm them up.

I think Wilson is expecting Byron to do the washing-up.

wednesday

Now that Wilson’s Hallowe’en preparations are complete,

he spent today sorting through his socks while Byron amused himself playing with Antony and Tiny Toy.

I think they’re both just trying to pass the time until tomorrow.

W has promised to tell Byron some ghost stories later, to get him in the Hallowe’en mood.

I hope they’re not too scary - I don’t want to have nightmares...

thursday

Wilson spent yesterday evening telling Halloween ghost stories to Byron. When bedtime came, they were both so scared that they had to sleep in my bed. You can probably guess how much sleep any of us got.

Anyway, here they both are ready

to go Trick-orTreating in the

neighbourhood. I shall accompany

them just to see

that they don’t get up to mischief or into trouble, but

Wilson has given me strict instructions

to keep out of sight, saying ‘We’re not babies, New Dad! Well, Byron is,

obviously, but I’m six years old!’