Ant Wars 2 Journal March 14

March A Journal of my Life with Wilson Vermilingua OBE

Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permission of TamanduaGirl: www.livingwithanteaters.com

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saturday Wilson carried the two bees into the kitchen, where they sat on the table like identical twins.

‘One of these,’ Wilson announced gravely, ‘is a Doppelganger! That is a very bad omen. I shall telephone Mr Derek Acorah, if I can find his number, and ask him for advice. Then I shall test both bees with my ectoplasm detector to see which is the real Polly-B.’ ‘You’ve got an ectoplasm detector?’ I asked, incredulously.

In answer he raised a long kebab skewer and made a jabbing motion. Both bees gulped nervously.

I made a suggestion: ‘Why don’t you just ask both of them which is the real Polly-B, then ask her where the other one came from?’

‘That could work too, I suppose,’ W replied doubtfully, and raised his eyebrows questioningly towards the two plush insects.

‘Well, I’m Polly-B,’ answered one, ‘and this is my new friend. We met while we were out practicing at the Luge Track!’

sunday Today, being the first Sunday in March, is International Ant Day, but Wilson’s mind wasn’t really on the festivities; he was too distracted by his doppelgänger problem.

Both Polly-B and her interloper companion accompanied him on his ant-hunting expedition, mostly so he could keep an eye on them. They both sat together watching the proceedings with interest, occasionally giggling and nudging each other.

As soon as he’d caught the first ant of 2014 and crowned himself once again Ant King of Uckfield he went inside to consider his options concerning his Extra Insect.

His Bonus Bee. His Additional Apoidea.

His Holocryptic Hyalopterum.

monday Wilson rose early this morning and summoned everyone to the conservatory. In a very serious voice he announced that he had considered the doppelganger bee situation very carefully overnight, and he had reached a decision.

‘The new bee will be accepted into the family,’ he declared. ‘I shall call him Billy-B, because that is a good name. He and Polly-B are already good friends, so I hope they will become engaged and later marry.’

Polly-B and the newly-named Billy-B giggled a bit here.

‘Then in the fulness of time,’ W continued, ‘ they will do what... erm, well, um…’ He blushed deeply, before coughing and continuing,’ Well, you know. Birds... Bees...

I don’t need to... Anyway, they will found a vast colony of bees and make loads of honey which I will market on their behalf. Shortly thereafter I shall become a millionaire!’

Antony and Tiny Toy burst into applause and shouted ‘Congratulations! Speech!’ The two bees glanced at each other and giggled again.

Afterwards, Wilson confided to me that arranged marriages are very common in the bee world.

tuesday With so much going on, Shrove Tuesday caught us by surprise this year! Despite that, Wilson bustled around in the kitchen making pancakes before an admiring audience.

As he cooked he hummed. He sang. He mused about the bees’ upcoming happy event...

And his planned Honey Empire.

wednesday Wilson was busy at the computer designing the label for his Honey Farm business enterprise when Polly-B approached him saying she needed to talk.

W stopped typing and turned to her. She shuffled around a bit, then began.

‘Billy-B and I have been doing some research, just to make certain,’ she said, ‘but we think there might be a problem with your Honey Farm plan.’

‘No, no, everything’s going fine!’ Wilson assured her.

‘Look, I’ve even designed the label for the jars!’

Polly-B blurted out: ‘You might not be able to have a hive of bees. We looked in your Beekeeping for Dummies book and we Googled it too, and we’re pretty sure we’re both girls.’

thursday W nodded and smiled.

‘No, you don’t understand!’ Polly continued. ‘If we’re both girls, that pretty much means we can’t have any baby bees,’ she explained, adding ‘Only Queens can have babies.

It’s called haplodiploidism.’

By now Billy-B had arrived, and she nodded in agreement.

‘Then I shall buy you a crown!’ W responded. ‘I shall call you Queen Polly-B, and the doppelgänger, er, Billy, will be called King Billy-B.’ He paused for a moment. ‘Oh. That won’t help, will it?’

Both bees shook their heads. ‘Neither of us can be Queens.’ said Billy. ‘It’s just biology.’

The information finally sank in. W closed his laptop in silence.

‘Oh,’ he said, scratching his head with his claw. ‘I shall have to think about this.’

Friday Wilson went into the living room to consider his options concerning his now-doomed Honey Farm venture. He was specially upset as he’d seen this as his final chance to become a millionaire before his upcoming 7th birthday and thus fulfil the promise he’d made to his mother, Mrs Vermilingua.

He was sitting on the sofa deep in thought when the two bees appeared, saying they’d like another word.

W feared more bad news, but they started by saying they were very sorry for any disappointment they may have caused.

Wilson graciously accepted this, but was caught offguard when they continued by saying that they would like to get engaged anyway.

‘We’ve done some research,’ they said, ‘and we believe some sort of party is customary. We’ll leave you to your thoughts now.’

With which they left. Holding tarsi.

saturday Ant Wars II: On another beautiful warm Spring day, everyone gathered in the garden to discuss the wedding. Wilson has done some research on gay bee marriages, and he says he would like the ceremony to be like when Sophie and Sian got married on Coronation Street. But without the pre-wedding row, the tears, the screaming or the jilting parts. Basically just the dresses and the flowers, then.

The bees announced that henceforth Billy-B would like to be known as Billi-B; they thought W should know this in good time in case it was important when the Banns were read.

Wilson in turn informed them that same-sex bee marriages would be legal in the UK from 13 March 2014 and suggested that this would be a good date for the wedding.

Both girls thought this was a bit short notice, as there would be loads of planning to do and they hadn’t even had the Engagement Party yet.

sunday Wilson is out in the Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff And A Robot looking for his (my) guitar. He says he’s going to write some original songs to sing at Polly-B’s and Billi-B’s Engagement Party.

Tomorrow he plans to start drawing up the Guest List, researching wedding presents and thinking about the catering.

I predict that ants will feature heavily on the menu.

monday Wilson has written a song for the Bees’ Engagement Party.

He calls it Wedding Bee Blues, and he’s in the garden rehearsing it on his guitar.

‘Woke up this morning Climbed out of my bed, Well, I woke up this morning Climbed out of my soft, warm bed, Then I suddenly remembered: My Bees are gettin’ wed!’

His claws keep getting stuck in the strings during the chord changes, but he’s really coming on well. He’s almost mastered the Bob Dylan voice. The Late Years ‘helium’ version...

tuesday Over breakfast Wilson admitted to me that the whole engagement/wedding thing was playing havoc with his Winter Olympics training schedule.

‘The Bees’ happiness comes before anything else though,’ he said, ‘Even my Gold Medal. Anyway, I don’t suppose Polly-B will want to do the Double Luge with me once she’s married.’

I asked whether this meant the sTone Brothers could have the handles removed from their heads.

‘Hmmmm.’ he replied. ‘Let’s not be hasty...’

wednesday I thought I heard the sounds of lively discussion coming from the kitchen this morning. When I went in I found Wilson had designed the invitations for the Bees’ Engagement Party. All was not well, though.

Polly-B didn’t like the swirly font, while Billi-B thought the pink ink was a bit of a cliche. Antony thought RSVP must have been spelled wrong as he couldn’t pronounce it, but whenever he said this everyone else went ‘Shhhh!’

W confided later that he’d had no idea the invitation design would be such a minefield, and he hoped the Wedding Invitations would be less contentious.

Good luck with that...

thursday On the radio this morning, Wilson heard an interview with two girls who will be the first couple getting married as same-sex weddings become legal in the UK today.

He was a bit disappointed that it wasn’t Polly- and Billi-B on the radio as he thinks they could have promoted his ODDSIES! by saying what wonderful wedding presents they make - even though he doesn’t make them in sizes to fit bees. And bees don’t generally wear socks. But he says it’s important just to get the ODDSIES! name out there in the public eye.

Yesterday one of Wilson’s friends, Jill, sent him a poster showing all bees’ favourite flowers. He says that it will be very useful when he orders the flowers for the engagement party and for the wedding!

friday The date for the Engagement Party has been set for next Saturday, so keep the date clear in your diaries!

This has rather put the pressure on Wilson to get the invitations designed and printed in time for them to be sent out. Both bees rejected his initial design so he’s being briefed by the Happy Couple as to how they want them to look.

Polly-B favours contemporary minimalism, while Billi-B wants punk.

saturday Wilson told me today that the girls couldn’t reach a consensus on how their party invitations should look so eventually he agreed to do two invitations ... one punky for Billi, one minimalist for Polly.

I know they say that opposites attract, but if they can’t even agree on a design for their engagement party invitations I can’t see this marriage lasting long. I hope I’m wrong.

Anyway, expect to receive TWO invitations shortly...

sunday Wilson has spent all day today doing what he describes as ‘brainstorming about wedding presents.’

To me it looks awfully like dozing in the sun.

He’d better get a move on - the party is in only six days!

The sTone Brothers are still lobbying to have the handles un-glued from their heads but Wilson demurs, saying they make it much easier to carry them around.

monday Wilson has just emailed his order through to the florist in the village. He’s told them that these flowers are for an engagement party and there will be a much bigger order for the wedding if they make a good job of these.

tuesday The Florist has just called Wilson to say there’s a bit of a hitch with his order.

I knew there as a problem when I heard W’s raised voice on the phone saying ‘I’ve never dealt with such a tin-pot, incompetent, unprofessional, second-rate, inefficient...’

He slammed the phone down and told me that the florist can’t supply some of the flowers he’d requested. Well, most of them, actually.

‘They say they can’t get any fennel, borage, buttercup, aster, hollyhocks, geranium, calendula, sweet alyssum, poppy, zinnia, cleome or heliotrope!’ he stormed. ‘They say they’re “out of season” or some such nonsense! Not only that, they say that most of them are actually “weeds!” Weeds! I ask you!’

I asked him what they could supply. He glanced at his notepad and said, ‘They have deigned to offer me snowdrops, dried lavender and some paper sunflowers. They told me I might get some sage and fennel in Tesco. In the cookery aisle.’

Given that there are now only four days until the party, I suggested that he call the florist back, apologise for shouting at them and accept the flowers they can supply.

Which he has now done.

Grudgingly.

wednesday After learning of the shortfall in Wilson’s flowers order, one of his friends, Lyn, has been in touch with a brilliant suggestion: Cherry Blossom! I’m certain the bees will love that.

The people next door have a flowering cherry tree in their garden, so I’ve warned W not to get any ideas about pinching any of theirs...

Anyway, here at last are the invitations to the Engagement Party! Due to a design oversight they don’t actually say where the party is being held, so here is the address: http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/

thursday Wilson is in the garden preparing for the party on Saturday.

The Florist has sent round what they were able to supply - a pot each of lavender and snowdrops, plus several paper sunflowers - and W has borrowed a branch of Flowering Cherry from our neighbours. I’m not altogether certain whether they know they’ve lent it yet.

He has cunningly sprayed the sunflowers with some Brut aftershave one of his stepfathers left behind when he moved out - he assures me this will ‘increase their realisticness by at least 400 percent!’

friday The final phase of preparation is in progress as Wilson hangs lanterns all around the garden.

As soon as that’s done, he and Antony (the party’s DJ) will test the sound system. W says it will be ‘colossally loud because Antony has turned the knob up to eleven!’

I’ve have no idea what music bees really like, but W says Antony has downloaded a ‘totally kicking’ playlist onto the iPad. I think we’d better invite all the neighbours round to the party, to forestall any complaints about the noise.

saturday The day of the party is here at last! There was a little rain overnight, but the only casualty was two boxes of Cheesy Wotsits which got a bit damp.

Everyone has been eating, drinking and dancing to Pink’s Get the Party Started. Antony is in charge of music, on the iPad, but this is the only song he’s played so far. He’s played it about 50 times altogether — I think he really likes it!

As dusk fell, Wilson lit the lanterns then sang the Bob Dylan song he’s learnt specially for the party, Delia.

It’s a not-altogether-appropriate song about a boy who shot his girlfriend dead one Christmas Eve, but he plays it very well.

Polly- and Billy-B are sitting together, wearing matching fascinators. Well, deely-boppers, actually — it’s very difficult to get hold of fascinators in such small sizes, apparently.

sunday Once the music had stopped, Polly-B made a sweet little speech in which she thanked everyone for coming and announced that the date for the wedding had been decided: 11 May this year.

Everyone cheered‌ except for Wilson, whose face fell.

He then started to make a speech of his own, but he looked very uncomfortable, as though he was about to break some bad news.

Oblivious to the developing awkwardness, Antony cued up his next song.

monday Wilson made a brief announcement, saying the wedding cannot take place on 11 May as that’s his birthday. This was met with an awkward silence, broken only by the sound of Polly sobbing.

Sensing that the speeches were over, Antony pressed Play and on came Babymetal’s techno-rock mega-hit “Gimme Choco!”

This played a couple of times while Billi-B consoled Polly, and by the third play both bees were doing the Bee Wiggle Dance together.

“Gimme Choco!” is allegedly all bees’ favourite song!

Try it: click the link, you might like it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIKqgE4BwAY

I didn’t, but maybe that’s just me.

tuesday Actually, by the time Antony had played Babymetal’s “Gimme Choco!” fifteen or twenty times, I started to warm to it!

Wilson took Polly and Billi to one side and explained about the significance of his upcoming 7th birthday and how he would have to visit his mother, Mrs Vermilingua, to explain in person how he’d broken his promise to her about being a millionaire by now.

He also said that in his view a bit of a drama and some tears make a party seem more authentic - like on EastEnders or Corrie!

Then he donned a deelybopper and boogied for all he was worth - even Tiny Toy emerged from behind the iPad and danced with Antony!

Billi-B offered to teach me how to do the Wiggle Dance, but I declined. I think too much Dad-Dancing can spoil the atmosphere of a party, and I know what she really wanted was to dance with Polly...

wednesday This morning Wilson and the bees gathered around his iPad in the kitchen to choose a new date for the wedding.

W has quite a busy schedule so it’s not as easy as you might suppose.

Gradually I noticed W staring blankly into space, oblivious to his surroundings. Suddenly he jumped down from the table and ran off to the tumble dryer, calling back to the bees, ‘We’ll do the calendar later! I must write this idea down before I forget it!’

He would not give me any details, but did confide that it was the ‘most coruscatingly amazing brainwave I have ever had, ever! It’s a genuine moment of Satori - I am enlightened!’

This bears all the signs of being another bizarre and totally improbable money-making scheme. Once again, I fear the worst.

thursday Whatever Wilson’s great idea is (and he’s still not so much as hinted at what it might be) he has been in his tumble dryer all day today thinking about it. He didn’t even come out for breakfast, instead sending Antony to bring him provisions, particularly ‘brain food,’ which I take to mean extra ants with everything.

Between snacks Antony and Tiny Toy are in there with him in the capacity of ‘Marketing Manager’ and ‘Assistant Marketing Manager’ respectively.

Sometimes I wonder what Tiny Toy - a stuffed toy’s stuffed toy - actually contributes to these enterprises.

But what do I know about these things?

friday Wilson was up early this morning, saying that he wants to do up the garden ready for the wedding. To this end he apparently ‘needs’ to go to the garden centre to buy some new gardening tools.

In addition to a new spade, fork, trowel, kneeling-pad, secateurs and a load of other unexpectedly expensive gear, he bought a flowering cherry tree in pot and a lot of wild flower and herb seeds.

He also bought a Mothers’ Day card, remembering that he hadn’t yet sent a card to his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua.

‘This isn’t the year to upset Mrs V!’ he opined, ‘Not with the news I’ve got to break to her on my birthday...’

saturday While Wilson was choosing his seeds I spotted the ideal Easter present for him: Giant Chocolate Ants’ Eggs! I stealthily bought a jar without him noticing.

On the drive home he asked me whether the clocks should go forward or back tonight. I told him forward.

Definitely forward!

‘Okey dokey!’ he replied. ‘Leave it to me - the clocks will be in safe paws!’

So, at least there shouldn’t be any clock-related drama tomorrow.

Which will be a first.

sunday I was surprised to turn on the wireless to listen to The Archers this morning to find I’d missed half of it. I mentioned it to Wilson, and he said that might be something to do with him.

He explained, ‘When I adjusted the clocks last night, I put them forward just half an hour. That way, we need never adjust them again! We keep all the clocks half an hour slow in the summer, and half an hour fast in the winter. I call it British Average Time! Brilliant or what?’

There is a certain logic there, but I think I shall find it very confusing.

He’s in the garden now, raking moss out of the lawn.

monday The bees are in the dining room drawing up a list of possible wedding dates for Wilson’s approval.

I keep setting the clocks to BST, but as fast as I do, W moves them back 30 minutes to British Average Time. He says that the benefits are too great to ignore...

Right now he’s in the garden admiring his flowering cherry tree. I’m creeping round the house re-setting all the clocks.