Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permissio n of TamanduaGirl: www.livingwithanteate rs.com
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MONDAY Why should I not keep a Journal? I have often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see, because I do not happen to be a "Somebody" why my Journal should not be interesting. My only regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth.* TUESDAY Cut the grass today. The front lawn is in a terrible state, completely covered with moss, and the back garden is really no better. WEDNESDAY Went to the local Garden Centre and bought some pot plants for the garden, some very nice Geraniums. I hope they're not all red! THURSDAY This morning I was potting up the geraniums in the back garden. Up until now, the Ant Nation and I have had a pretty much live-and-let-live relationship. Today, however, they declared war on me. My pants were pretty much the only place I DIDN'T have them in, but I shall retaliate against this upstart army. FRIDAY Re my war with the Ant Nation, I learned yesterday that we are all outnumbered by Ant Stormtroopers by a million to one. But am I downhearted? Only a little! SATURDAY Ant War update: the ants have apparently produced a propaganda film in an attempt to influence public opinion in their favour. Please boycott 'Antz' if it comes to your local kinema.
SUNDAY Ant Wars update: I'm not proud of this... but I'm considering chemical weapons. Off to B&Q to buy a pack of Ant Powder. MONDAY Ant Wars Bulletin: The Ant Stronghold under the paving stone near the front door has fallen. Many prisoners. I'm off to Toys-R-Us to buy an Ant Farm or, as I now think of it, a POW Camp. TUESDAY Ant Wars Bulletin: The ants have signed an accord with a few other insect species. I've just seen an entire squadron of Mosquitos fly over, reconnoitring for the ant powder. I shall have to install some anty-aircraft guns (joke! Did you see what I did there?) WEDNESDAY Ant Wars Bulletin: House Flies and Bluebottles have sided with the Axis Powers, but I think I can rely on the Bees to remain loyal to the Allies; the Wasps could go either way. As for the Butterflies, they're in a real flap and are all over the place. THURSDAY Ant Wars Latest: Spiders declare neutrality, saying they're not insects and would prefer not to get involved. As darkness falls, there's trouble with the Glow Worms: 'Oi! Put that light out! Don't you know there's a war on?!'
FRIDAY I'm SO excited. I'm in a layby on the A27 on the way back from Drusillas... with an anteater on the back seat! It's sitting up, looking out the window. Sweet... and a serious killing machine! The nice lady at Drusillas says he's red-hot and ready for some serious ant action! Those ants will get such a surprise! I shall call it ANTony - ha ha! Or ANTonio! If this works out, we'll all be home in time for Christmas!
SATURDAY Things have not started well. Antony went from room to room inspecting the house. He seemed specially interested in my iMac, my swivel chair, the TV and the water cooler... but not at all interested in ants. On the way from the car to the house he passed several ant nests and hundreds of ants. The ants at first seemed nervous, but now ignore him... as he ignores them. Also, when I call his name he turns his back on me and walks away. Perhaps he's just homesick.
SUNDAY Antony refuses to sleep in his accommodation - a sort of wooden dog kennel in the back garden. Insists on sleeping at the foot of my bed. I agree, but only for the first night. Still very withdrawn - I've made an appointment for him to see the Vet tomorrow. Hope he doesn't snore. Antony, obviously... not the vet. I don't care whether the vet snores or not. MONDAY Antony snores. He also grunts, fidgets, scratches, sleepwalks and attempts to get into the bed with me. He is very hairy, in a long-haired-doormatty kind of way. Quite difficult to get any sleep. Well, impossible really. TUESDAY Just got back from the vet, who says there's nothing physically wrong with him. On the drive home, Antony announces that he's a vegetarian, his family hasn't eaten ants for generations. Stop off at Tesco for a pack of Linda McCartney Vegetarian Peri Peri Burgers - can't let the little guy go hungry.
WEDNESDAY This evening Antony took me to one side and asked, his voice trembling with emotion, "Do you consider me a primitive being? A mere animal? Less than sentient? Someone who reads Beaudelaire only in English translation? A... pet?" He paused and looked beseechingly at me. "Tickle me, do I not laugh? Prick me, do I not bleed?" I try to reassure him, stroking his head and giving him a hug. Then we sit on the sofa together watching re-runs of Frasier, sharing a bag of Cheesy Wotsits. I tickle him, and he does indeed laugh. I think we've achieved a breakthrough in our relationship. I find this a bit worrying, though; do I have a pet (oops! Companion Animal) who is my intellectual superior? (Those who know me well might say that wouldn't be difficult!) THURSDAY A more restful night last night. Antony grudgingly says he'll give it a try with the eating ants thing. Still seems a little withdrawn, so I crush a couple of Prozac and sprinkle them round the entrance to the ants' nests. He goes through the motions, snuffling his nose round the nest entrances, but quickly loses interest and shuffles off. Still, the Prozac has disappeared. FRIDAY Antony is no happier, but I can hear faint sounds of singing and partying from inside the ants' nest. They seem very jolly, singing ant war songs and battle chants. Hey, I wonder whether... Naaah.
SATURDAY Tonight's the Night - The Eurovision Song Contest! Antony is REALLY up for it. Right now he's making up a surprisingly complex score chart, using a big box of coloured crayons. He's made me promise that next year we'll go to the Duke of York's ESC Party in Brighton. I mention 'ants', but he tells me he is related to the Sloth family: one thing at a time... and slowly gets the job done best. Ahhh, when I was young, the ESC used to matter, the young and trendy would watch, it used to set trends rather than be an opportunity for Graham Norton to exercise our cynicism muscles. Pearl and Teddy Johnson must be turning in their graves... SUNDAY I think Antony enjoyed his score sheet more than the actual songs. He loved Ireland and also the people in the pointy hats with the unicycle, but fell asleep during the scoring and had to be carried to bed.
FRIDAY I've had to have a serious word with Antony. Planking is dangerous - it's not grown-up and it's not clever. SATURDAY Antony refuses to be called an anteater... or Antony. Says he won't be defined by what his ancestors used to eat, nor by a stupid play on words, and his species name, Vermilingua, seems overly formal. I say Antony is a GOOD name, but he says I'm making fun of him and goes off for a think. Spends the rest of the day on the sofa watching Jeremy Kyle and re-runs of Frasier, while eating Cheesy Wotsits. SUNDAY The Anteater-I-mustn't-call-Antony decides he'd like to be called Niles. I tell him this is an unsuitable name for an anteater, and (several hours later) we compromise on Wilson. Celebrate with a bag of Cheesy Wotsits. Later I see him practicing his signature. Wilson Niles Vermilingua. This does sound quite distinguished.
MONDAY Find Wilson using iPad with his nose. Screen very sticky (saliva? snot?), but I notice he's beaten my 'Boggle!' high score. I leave a box of Kleenex on the table next to the iPad. Hope he takes the hint. He seems generally much happier today, so I have a word with him about "The Ant Question" -- he promises he'll give it some serious thought. TUESDAY Ant War Sidebar: Wilson sees Olympic Torch route on tv and hears that hundreds of torchbearers will each carry it for one mile. He decides to apply to be an Olympic Torch Bearer. Wilson confident of getting his one-mile time down to under seven hours (plus meal and toilet breaks of course) and has sent off his application form. Now practicing running while carrying torch and waving. Wish he'd take more care with the torch - someone's going to get burned! I think he's in with a chance - what could be cuter than an anteater in running shorts? WEDNESDAY Rise this morning to find kitchen adorned with dozens of Post-It Notes bearing inscriptions such as, "All war is based on deception", "He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious", "If ignorant both of your enemy and yourself, you are certain to be in peril". THURSDAY With Wilson studying "The Art Of War", the ants' days are surely numbered. Result! Receive receipt from Amazon for Sun Tzu's 'The Art Of War', Kindle edition. Must change Amazon password.
FRIDAY Wilson has built himself a nest in the tumble-dryer. A bit inconvenient, but better than him climbing into my bed in the middle of the night - he is a VERY restless sleeper. Receive receipt from Amazon for a two gross pack of Post-It Notes. Must change Amazon password. SATURDAY A friend (or should I say Military Advisor) has told me that ants won't cross a chalk line. I give Wilson a stick of chalk; he takes it, and holds out his paw for more. "You expect me to work in monochrome?" he asks. I pass him the entire box of Cosmic Anti-Dust Multi-Coloured Chalks. I expect a simple chalk line around the nest entrance will be too simple - he'll probably draw a maze for them to negotiate! build your a opponent idge to golden br oss cr retreat a
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SUNDAY Leaving the house, I see a massive smudge of coloured chalk on the paving stones of the front path, spreading over onto the tarmac drive. Wilson's done something right; it's messy, but the rain will eventually wash it away, perhaps after the ants have starved to death.
As I walk away I realise the chalk smudges are a perfect reproduction of JMW Turner's "Rain, Steam and Speed - the Great Western Railway". Bless!
MONDAY Wilson is preparing his breakfast. Ask him if he slept well. He replies enigmatically: "It is essential to seek out enemy agents who have come to conduct espionage against you and to bribe them to serve you. Give them instructions and care for them. Thus doubled agents are recruited and used". Wow - he really IS giving this some serious thought; the ants don't stand a chance! TUESDAY Hmmm. The chalk defence has not worked out so well. Ants may be unable to walk across chalk, but if they're riding in in tanks it doesn't even slow them down. Wilson v. upset the ants have broken through, and vows revenge. Or maybe he's just upset about the tank tracks over his masterpiece. Receive receipt from Amazon for The Complete Works of JMW Turner, Kindle edition. Must change Amazon password.
WEDNESDAY Wilson is actually a pretty good cook. He prepared mushroom stroganoff with red wine for our dinner. Delicious. Hope he washed his paws before he started - also wish he didn't hold all the utensils in his mouth - but I won't say anything that might discourage him. Happily, he is much more Delia Smith than Gordon Ramsey. THURSDAY Wilson has now pretty much taken charge of the catering. I decide I really should mention the paw-washing thing. He stares at me for a long time, before saying, "Any healthy man can go without food for two days - but not without poetry" and turning back to his stove. I leave. I appear to have become a vegetarian. FRIDAY Wilson tries on-line shopping - he says that on-line food shopping is definitely the way forward. Worryingly, I have had to give him my creditcard details for this - but what can possibly go wrong?
SATURDAY The on-line food has arrived. Wilson v. scathing about the quality of the fresh ingredients, and insists that we shall have to visit specialist food stores in person so he can evaluate the ingredients. SUNDAY Take Wilson to Tesco. Sit him in baby-seat of trolley, but he insists on standing at the front, leaning out like a figure-head. Challenged by security guard who tells me "Dogs are not permitted in the store". At the word "dog" I see Wilson's hackles rise. Try to argue that he's an Assistance Animal, which I need because I have lost my sense of... um... smell. Am escorted from the store. Manhandled might be more accurate. Well... forcibly ejected, actually. MONDAY Take Wilson to Waitrose, this time disguised as a baby matinee jacket, bootees, bonnet, all set off by a pink dummy. I hope the dummy might draw attention away from the length of his face... and help him keep his considerable tongue in his mouth. Wilson feels totally demeaned, but has agreed to this subterfuge in order to serve his culinary art... but has absolutely prohibited all photos!
TUESDAY Wilson locked in the kitchen all day - mmmmm, smells good! When he emerges to serve dinner, I find we have Quorn sandwiches with Cheesy Wotsits and red wine - apparently his experimental menu didn't work out as well as he expected... so he ate it all himself. Here's a pic of Wilson tasting the wine - is Mouton Cadet, 1953 a good brand?
Bit o with
WEDNESDAY Wilson hung-over today, having finished the wine himself. I had breakfast on the patio this morning - lovely in the sunshine, but patio covered in ants. I confess, this is not how I initially saw things working out. Must have a word. Postcard from Wilson's mum today, saying he's looking thin in the photos and asking if he's eating enough ants. Where can I begin? THURSDAY Wilson, having just caught up with EastEnders, is now CONFIDENT of becoming an Olympic Torchbearer. He says if Billy Mitchell thinks he can do it, a fit and hunky ant-eater who looks cute in running shorts is a shoo-in. This could turn nasty, as we have friends whose daughter has also applied - what if she is selected and Wilson is not? Worse, what if Billy Mitchell is... Nah! That's not going to happen.
of an accident the torch
FRIDAY Putting aside all thoughts of ants, we spend a happy, sunny day at Penshurst Place in Kent. Beautiful. Wilson not much interested in the Stately Home, but did find some 'interesting' ants in the picnic area. Wish he was more interested in the ants back at home!
SATURDAY I find Wilson reclining on the sofa watching Jeremy Kyle. Ask him about Sun Tzu and he replies that that was just a phase - the writing was primitive and the character development naive and rudimentary. Thinks he might try Kazuo Ishiguro.
I ask why he watches Jeremy Kyle; he says it reminds him of home - in anteater circles, that's pretty much day-today life. But without the DNA tests. SUNDAY All thought of ants were put on hold yesterday when we took Wilson on a day-trip to Southend! He had a lovely time at the fairground on the rides (see pic) and was excited to find that EastEnders was filming an
episode there! Dot Cotton was there, but we didn't see her. Her loss, I think you'll agree! We were all disappointed not to see the lovely Whitney too... MONDAY Receive receipt from Amazon for The Complete Collected Works of Kazuo Ishiguro. Hardback de-luxe edition, boxed set. I point out to Wilson that I already own the complete Ishiguro opus in paperback, but he replies that he prefers the hardback version.
Must change Amazon password. TUESDAY Receive receipt from Amazon for The Complete Collected Works of Kazuo Ishiguro, Kindle edition. I point out to Wilson that only the previous day he bought the same books in deluxe hardback edition, boxed set. Apparently he found hardbacks harder to read than he expected. Really MUST change Amazon password. WEDNESDAY Finally get round to changing Amazon password, only to find that Wilson has already done so. He declines to tell me the new password, saying it will be "more fun" if I try to guess it, and when I do I will "experience the glow of achievement". I'd prefer to experience the glow of Wilson wiping out some ants. THURSDAY After watching the entire Canadian F1 Grand Prix (only nodded off a few times) Wilson has decided that running is for softies - car racing is the way forward. I hope this will soften the blow if he's not chosen as an Olympic Torchbearer. He's now sitting up in bed planning his racing team, 'del Mangiatore della Formica Rosso'. Bit of a mouthful for commentators? I'd so hoped Ant Extermination was the 'way forward'!
FRIDAY Go to watch TV and find Wilson has cancelled entire Sky package except for Comedy Central, The National Geographic Channels and Good Food. He says the money we save can be spent on better quality ingredients for his cooking. I suggest the money we save might be better spent on ant poison. Wilson narrows his eyes for a moment, then snorts and turns back to the Cookery show he's watching. SATURDAY Wilson takes my hand and leads me to his tumble-dryer nest. He fumbles around in the crumpled washing and pulls out this Polaroid. It's a picture of Wilson and his Mum. I think he might be feeling homesick, and wonder whether to suggest a short holiday. Must phone Drusillas to see what the nice lady there thinks.
SUNDAY The nice lady at Drusillas thinks a holiday with his mum might be just what Wilson needs to perk him up. She warns me that Anteaters don't mate for life and he should expect a number of step-brothers and -sisters that he won't know. And some new stepfathers. Blimey, he's only been away a few weeks! Wilson V. excited and immediately starts packing; he doesn't own a lot, but I've given him his own suitcase.
MONDAY Following the F1 Canadian Grand Prix, Wilson is practicing his driving regularly at what he calls the 'Practice Circuit'. I have to take a supply of 20p coins with us. And refreshments, obviously. He's still v. excited about his holiday, and insists that if I lend him my car, the Sat Nav and a booster cushion he'll be able to drive himself to Drusillas. How can I explain in a nice way that's simply not going to happen? TUESDAY Wilson's packing is finally complete. There's so much, I had to get him a larger case. I asked what was in it, he said presents for his relatives. Probably full of Cheesy Wotsits he snacks almost constantly! He's so excited about his trip, I've given him a couple of Dramamine Extra Drowsy Formula just to calm him down. God knows what he'll be like on the journey tomorrow!
WEDNESDAY We're off! Wilson's in the back of the car with a toy steering-wheel pretending to drive us to Drusillas - I just wish he'd lay off the squeaky hooter! He can't wait to see his mum and meet all his new step-siblings and his new step-fathers! In the picture, he's just organising his suitcases in the car. It's going to seem very quiet at home without him... just me and the ants.
THURSDAY Postcard from Wilson. Apparently his mum's cooking isn't as great as he remembered - 'dire' was one of the politer words he used. Seems he's spending most of his time babysitting his new step-brothers and -sisters, and he doesn't get on with several of his new step-fathers. Most of all, though, he says he's missing Sky+. I expect to collect him over the weekend or Monday.
FRIDAY Postcard from Wilson's mum, addressed to 'Boo's New Daddy' in which she thanks me for taking him in and accepting financial responsibility for him and his education. I can't imagine what Wilson (Boo? Really?!) has been telling her. However, she says little Boo is showing the symptoms of a low-ant diet and I must ensure he eats more of them or he'll become ill. SATURDAY Just collected Wilson from Drusillas. Touching farewell with his mum, but I think he's pleased to be back. Once he's properly settled in I shall have a serious talk with him about the ants. Mrs Vermilingua gave Boo(!) this new coat for the journey home.
It was so sweet when he left, he was waved off by all his step-brothers and -sisters, calling out "Goodbye Uncle Boo!" etc. Brought a little lump to my throat. However, there was some bad news awaiting Wilson when he got home...
ANT WARS II - THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL SUNDAY While Wilson was away, the kitchen remained locked (he took the key with him to prevent me 'messing around' with his stuff). On opening it up Wilson discovers that Ants have invaded the kitchen, eaten his ingredients, including his extensive and treasured collection of flavoured sugars. I took Wilson to Eastbourne for a swim to distract him, but his heart wasn't really in it. I think we have entered a new phase of the war...
MONDAY Wilson checks the fridge for ants, then retires to his room with a box of coloured crayons and a pad of paper. On the front of the pad, he has written, 'Top Secret - War Strategy'. Wilson LOVED those flavoured sugars - I think the ants have crossed the line!
TUESDAY Wilson has spent all day lying on the front path, observing the ants and their activities closely while murmuring quietly to himself and taking copious notes in his 'Top Secret' pad. And timing them with a stop watch.
WEDNESDAY Wilson cooks a lovely dinner - Quorn in a spicy red wine sauce. I ask about the sauce and he tells me that it's made of red wine and ants - his mum's special secret recipe. I stop chewing and consider what I'm eating. 'Chop Chop, eat up!' Wilson shouts cheerfully, 'You're going to have to get used to this new diet!' I have to admit, it doesn't taste too bad - spicy, with a hint of formaldehyde. THURSDAY All thoughts of ants are put aside yet again as Wilson spends the whole day watching Wimbledon. He first showed an interest when he noticed people in the crowd wearing hats with his name on them. I do hope he doesn't want to take it up - he'll NEVER be able to hold the racquet. FRIDAY Wilson still watching the tennis, but admits himself that as a member of the sloth family he's not QUITE fast enough to play professionally at the highest level. Also, if one of his matches were to go to three sets, he'd need several snack breaks. And comfort breaks. And a couple of naps.
SATURDAY For my birthday, went to the Bluebell Railway with friends. Had a lovely time. Wilson has baked me a beautiful cake, iced in green and mauve (Wimbledon colours) with 'Happy Birthday New Dad' spelt out in ants. Also, a 'test batch' of the confectionery he's hoping to market, 'Chants'. They're chocolatecovered ants. He's also registered the name 'Chantillies' chilli-flavoured chocolate-covered ants.
SUNDAY Wilson has set up a Focus Group. This consists of him giving me small chocolates from code-numbered paper cups, and me saying, 'That's a little better, but it still tastes of ants'. Wilson will then narrow his eyes and stare at me for a few seconds, before recording my response on his clip-board. He's produced the artwork for the packaging, and is almost ready to 'go live' with his product.
MONDAY If (against all expectations and common-sense) Wilson's Chants prove popular, I wonder whether we'll have enough ants to fulfil his orders. Wilson replies that he's sourcing giant ants from South America. I ask where he proposes to store them, and he says they can just live in the garden until they're needed for chocolate dipping. I SO don't like the sound of this.
TUESDAY Flushed with success(?) Wilson decides to branch out into Health Juice Drinks. Honestly? I can't see this being a huge success - tell me, would you buy it? Would you drink it even if it were given to you free? But Wilson is confident, and his confidence is infectious. A bit like measles. Or The Black Death. Irrepressible. He is an Ant Evangelist! WEDNESDAY A huge truck arrives outside the house. It's towing a shipping container with "Ants-R-Us International Shipping" written on the side. Wilson is beside himself with excitement as he directs the container to be unloaded into the front garden. I'm afraid that if it remains there too long, we may get ants living underneath the it - ants love places like that.
Artwork for the juice ca - please print and make 200 000 for the first
artons e-up run.
THURSDAY Now that Wilson has unloaded his ants into the garden, it is covered by a moving, seething carpet of ants. He says this is good news as it shows the ants are happy and will breed, so increasing our livestock, and hence our profits. There are dozens of ant-hills all over the garden, and profit is the last thing on my mind. Of greater concern to me is the question, 'Will I ever get my garden back?'
FRIDAY "MR VERMILINGUA MAKES EXCEEDINGLY GOOD ANT-RELATED SNACKS" Imagine my surprise on seeing these posters as I left Brighton Station car park yesterday! I wonder who paid for this? I remember once giving Wilson my VISA card details...
SATURDAY Forgot to say that Wilson was very upset during the F1 GP Sunday. As soon as Button retired, he just put down his toy steering wheel and retired to the tumble dryer for a nap. Wilson has persuaded our local filling station shop to stock his ant-based snacks for a trial period. Sale or return, naturally, but don't they look almost good enough to eat?
SUNDAY When Wilson first came to live with me, I fondly imagined the End of Ants; I did not forsee that we would be importing giant, highly aggressive South American ants by the container-load and releasing them to live wild in the garden. I hope this doesn't turn into a disaster. I've sent out this survey to all my friends to help gauge the market for Ant Snacks: SURVEY: Do you intend to buy any ant-related snacks or health foods in the next Week 0 Month O Year 0 Ever O
MONDAY Well, that was bad. VERY few positive votes in the Ant Snacks survey - it looks like Wilson's ant marketing venture may be doomed. He is so disappointed. He is a broken anteater. He won't get out of bed, just lies there brooding about his collapsed ant-marketing empire. He'd even bought a new suit for his impending appearance on Dragons' Den. Maybe the world just isn't ready to snack on ants.
TUESDAY Our diet now consists solely of of Quorn-and-Ant sandwiches washed down with 'Ant Wine' (prepared by adding gin to Ant Juice). It's not a pleasant combination, but I usually pass out before finishing the meal - a combination of ant wine intoxication and food poisoning (the ant sandwiches are now well past their use-by date). We are left with hundreds of sandwich boxes and juice cartons. And ants.
WEDNESDAY Try to take Wilson's mind off his business failure with a trip to Preston Manor. We took the Secret Tour, which was fantastic, going through all the doors marked Private, into the unrestored (and dangerous!) attics and the sub-basement which was a secret post in the war. Absolutely brilliant! He wants to go to the Preston Manor Ghost Tour and All-Night Ghost Vigil; not sure my nerves could take that! THURSDAY We saw a bagpipe band in Uckfield Saturday. At first Wilson was scared by the noise, but after he'd watched for a while, he's decided he'd like to take up playing... the bagpipes.
Also, while thinking about the Ghost Tour at Preston Manor, he wants to start running Uckfield Ghost Tours. He's now researching (i.e. making up) Uckfield Ghost Stories. He could use his bagpipes to make ghostly sound effects! FRIDAY Wilson's had some Ghost Tour posters printed up and, strangely, bookings are pouring in. I'm required to dress up as a 14th century farmer's daughter and jump out of dark doorways shouting spookily at the ghost-tourists; I'm not too sure about this, but at a fiver per head for the tour, I'll consider it. This could pay off the Ant Snacks debts!
SATURDAY Tonight's the night!
Wilson's been rehearsing his Ghost Tour stories all day, and they really are very frightening! If I were on the tour as a participant, I really would be scared; as it is I'll be dressed up as a farmer's ghostly daughter and I really will be embarrassed. Still, I shall close my eyes and think of all the fivers - tonight's tour is completely sold out and the next two are selling well! SUNDAY Disaster! Everything was going so well - until we left the house. Wilson grew visibly nervous and as we neared the car park he was shaking. 'We're in the haunted heart of Uckfield', he said, 'surrounded by phantasms of the dead'. I parked the car but Wilson refused to get out - he was afraid he'd see a ghost. I had to take him home, where he hid in the tumble drier, whimpering. He's scared of the dark. MONDAY I feared recriminations from the would-be ghost tourists, but apparently they went straight to Victoria Recreation Ground for the Quorn-and-Ant Sandwiches and Ant Wine Picnic, where they had a riotous party. According to Uckfield FM, Uckfield Hospital A&E was very busy late last night, when there was a rush of food-poisoning sufferers. I wonder what that's all about? TUESDAY We're both drinking too much - Wilson is so crushed by his business defeats I can't bear to see his little face, his tears running down his nose and dripping into his ant wine. While we're drowning our sorrows, however, the ants are carousing in the garden, celebrating the collapse of Wilson's ant-based business empire. The noise of their partying is stopping us sleeping. But I've a treat planned for tomorrow!
WEDNESDAY Took Wilson to Chatham Naval Dockyard to cheer him up. Spent most of the day shouting, "PLEASE don't touch that!" and getting funny looks from security, who kept asking to see Wilson's ticket. When we got home he said he really enjoyed the day, but was disappointed there were no ant-flavoured icecream or ant-related refreshments available - 'a serious shortcoming for a so-called national museum'.
THURSDAY Supplies of Quorn-and-Ant sANTwiches are now running low; there's plenty of Ant Juice left, but we've used up all the gin, and I can't face the juice on its own. Wilson has the idea of converting the empty juice cartons into 'Ant Hotels' and selling them, complete with ants, as exotic pets. I'm just not so sure, but he seems to think this could be the solution to our financial troubles. FRIDAY Our tickets are valid for a whole year, so Wilson and I went back to Chatham Naval Dockyard as he forgot to go on the Submarine Tour. He took some samples of Quorn-andAnt Sandwiches and Ant Juice for the restaurant manageress to try; I thought she was unnecessarily harsh in her judgment, and I had to buy Wilson a hat in the Gift Shop to take his mind off it. Here is a photograph of the Intrepid Submariner!
DIVE.i
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SATURDAY Wilson is still talking about yesterday's trip to Chatham Dockyard - I think it was 'driving' the warship that really made his day! This is one of his favourite photos from yesterday. He keeps reminding me, 'I was actually DRIVING that boat!'
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SUNDAY Since I'm in a sense now Wilson's father, or at least in loco parentis, I must look after his physical health, so I've made him an appointment with my dentist for a check-up. I hope he doesn't need any fillings. Or anything expensive. He's hoping for a gold crown, but I think he's got the wrong idea about that! MONDAY Wilson discovers that the TARDIS has materialised in Uckfield High Streeet. Obviously the door is locked, so he climbed up the outside and looked in the window. He insists that the inside is MUCH bigger than the outside. Sweet! He begged to wait until evening to see whether The Doctor returns. We did. He didn't. I'd been hoping to see Amy Pond, maybe get her autograph or something...
r
biGge s i y alL It re .i inside
TUESDAY Wilson shows me a signed photograph of Amy Pond, dedicated to the "sexiest anteater in the entire galaxy" or something. He says she gave it to him yesterday, "round the back of the TARDIS", and claims she's a massive fan of his. And snogged him. Can't help thinking that Amy Pond's handwriting is remarkably similar to Wilsons...
WEDNESDAY Wilson visits the dentist. If I'd known in advance that anteaters don't actually have teeth, I could have saved quite a lot of money here. Dentist was quite surprised to find how much ant-debris was lurking in Wilson's mouth (mostly legs) and recommended a regular mouthwash regime followed by a trip to the Dental Hygienist.
He was very brave, and got some stickers to prove it. He's very proud of them!
THURSDAY Wilson very (over)excited by the Grand Prix result! This morning he showed me this picture. He says Jensen gave it to him yesterday, 'round the back of the Pit Lane', and claims he's a massive fan of his.
Can't help thinking that Jensen Button's handwriting is remarkably similar to Amy Pond's. Is it just me, or is a pattern emerging here?
FRIDAY Wilson has given his bedroom a bit of a make-over - not a complete redecoration, he's just given it a bit of a liven-up with some new posters, fridge magnets etc. However, with Wilson living in the tumbler, I am wondering how I'm going to get the washing dry in the winter...
SATURDAY Come on everyone! It's time to show some solidarity and nominate Wilson to carry the Olympic Torch - it's only for 300m and he's sure he could manage that in one go. If he didn't rush at it. He's still doing his (almost) daily practice run in Uckfield and has great local support. There's still time, so let's do it for Wilson! His country needs him! He needs his country! http://tinyurl.com/3nxhz6z
VER
rave.i b Y R SUNDAY Phew! Just managed to stop Wilson's latest money-making venture: AnteaterAutographs.com. He was about to sell his two autographed photographs along with similar photos (and almost-identical dedications) of Marilyn Monroe, President Kennedy, Winston Churchill, The Dalai Lama, John Lennon, Shakespeare, Freddie Mercury and anyone else he could download a picture of. This Anteater is shameless! SHAMELESS!
SUNDAY Just received an invoice from ukreg.com for the domain name AnteaterAutographs. com. Could have been worse, I suppose we could have been sued by loads of unhappy customers, or been doorstepped by Watchdog! Wilson can tell I'm not happy, so he's popped out to buy some fresh veg to cook me a lovely dinner... to make amends. Hope he gets a nice wine - I can't take much more ant-juiceand-gin :o( MONDAY ALERT! If you bought anything from AnteaterAutographs.com be aware that: 1) the autograph is almost certainly a forgery; 2) your payment details have been hacked, probably by a gang of ant cyber-criminals. Wilson wants me to make clear that his own signature is genuine, only those of the stars and celebrities are forged. Oh, that's alright then.
TUESDAY Wilson has started taking an interest in the garden. Now I've paid to have the ant hills removed it's not looking too bad, but it would be nice to have a few new flowers and shrubs - and it's giving young Wilson something to do and keeping him out of trouble, and stopping him brooding about his past business failures. Also, while he's planting, he's eating a lot of ants! WEDNESDAY Took Wilson to the Garden Centre today. We had a lovely time looking round, Wilson taking copious notes, and bought a few plants. Had a cup of tea and some biscuits while we were there - Wilson ate some ants he'd found under the flowerpot display and brought in to the restaurant. When he asked for a plate for them, the Restaurant Manageress said he couldn't eat his own food, but technically it was Garden Centre food.
THURSDAY Wilson'needed' to return to the Garden Centre today for 'a few things' he'd forgotten. I was surprised by just how expensive gardening can be!
FRIDAY Back to the Garden Centre again today! We're there so often that the staff all greet us by name, and the manager has given us a reserved parking space. Wilson wishes me to announce that, contrary to persistent on-line rumours, he will NOT be appearing in Celebrity Big Brother this evening. He says he considered his invitation carefully and decided to decline it as he is 'pursuing personal projects'.
SATURDAY Watching Celebrity Big Brother together last night, Wilson turned to me and asked, 'Who are these no-hope droids? Maybe I should have gone in, I'd have shone like a star. It's like The Priory in there! And that Tara Reid does fancy me just see the way she looks at me!' I explained that when Tara Reid 'looks at' him from the tv, she can't actually see him. Still, he cheered up when Jedward came on! SUNDAY Woke to a commotion outside. Looked out the window and found the back garden filled with dozens of strangers. Going round to the front of the house I see this huge banner! So that's what all the gardening was leading up to. Still, the garden is lovely... though now the lawn is covered with footprints and everything's looking a bit trampled. Wilson, however, is delighted with some new gardening contracts!
MONDAY Wilson has downloaded (and printed - there goes my ink!) dozens of pictures of Miffy (the loveable rabbit) and Hello Kitty (the cute cat). Also, I've just received an invoice from UKReg.com for the domain name good_day_sunshine.com. I have NO idea what's going on. But I intend to find out. TUESDAY Wilson announces that everyone in England is miserable, and this is because the weather is so bad. 'Not like my home in South America', he says (although he's never been south of Lewes in his life). To combat this he has launched a weather-forecast site where the weather is always predicted as Sunny. 'Even if they're eventually disappointed, this will give everyone something to look forward to!', he explains.
WEDNESDAY Went to record this week's 'Borgias' and 'Dr Who' on the Sky+ only to discover that the disk is completely full... of Jeremy Kyle shows and re-runs of Frazier. I'll have to have a word. The weather forecast site seems to be working out pretty well; it failed to predict early rain, but was spot-on with this afternoon's sunshine. Living room floor is littered with sketches like this:
THURSDAY Ahoy there shipmates! Wilson has jus' heard about Talk Like a Seafarin' Hearty Tide. He's beside hisself wi' excitement, e'en tho thar's a moon t' go. I dread t' think how he'll try t' exploit this an' turn 't into a doubloons-makin' venture... an' how 't will aftfire. Hang on, I said that, but I didn't say it all piratey like that! I think Wilson's hacked my email account. And Tippexed my diary!
FRIDAY Wilson receives a large poster tube through the mail, addressed to W.Vermilingua Merchandising and Licensing (UK) Inc. The poster inside is taller than him, so he takes me outside and stands on a flower pot so he can hold it high enough, and announces, 'Miffy? Pah! Hello Kitty? Yesterday's news! Behold the new merchandising sensation: "HI WILSON!" This is so going to be HUGE!' Hmmm. Watch out, world...
Still VERY brave.i
SATURDAY Wilson receives a package from China - inside is this prototype 'Hi Wilson!' vinyl bag! Cool! Take Wilson to WH Smith to buy an extra-thick, lined notebook and a huge pack of coloured pens. He tells me he's writing his autobiography. He's not even five yet - maybe he could have managed with a thinner note book? Receive a couple of complaints that Wilson's weather forecast site isn't very accurate. Quelle surprise.
SUNDAY I take Wilson to one side and ask him why he is so obsessed with money-making ventures. He replies, 'My mummy, Mrs Vermilingua, told me when I left Drusillas to start my new life with you, New Dad, that she hoped I'd be a success. Be a great success. Be a millionaire before I was seven. And the clock is ticking - I must get on! I don't want to disappoint my Mum!' He's not yet five, but he is an Anteater driven by ambition!
MONDAY Wilson announces his new invention: a 'WWWD? wristband' kit! 'You know what it's like when you're in a tricky situation and you don't know what to do?' he tells me. 'You need some advice or inspiration. This is where the "WWWD? wristband" comes in; just read it, and soon you'll know exactly what I'd do, then you can do the same!' I point out that I've seen something similar from Jesus, but Wilson is adamant that he's not about to share any royalties!
TUESDAY Wilson and I saved last week's Dr Who to watch together. When it finished we looked at each other for a moment, then Wilson voiced my thoughts: 'Human children understand this kind of story? Perhaps I have underestimated them'. Wilson gives me a car sticker for my rear window shouldn't reduce the value of my car too much! Ouch! Wilson read the last bit and gave me a Chinese Burn :o(
WEDNESDAY Torrent of complaints from dissatisfied users of Wilson's weather forecasting site about its complete inaccuracy. Wilson sanguine about this and says he has everything under control. Wilson hands me a completely free HI WILSON! badge I can print, cut out and stick on my clothes... should I, for any misguided reason, wish to. Ouch! Another Chinese Burn!
THURSDAY Wilson goes live with a new weather forecasting website, assuring me that, although initially disappointed, people using the NEW site will be much happier when they find the weather turns out much better than they expected. He sounds right, but I'm sure he's wrong about this.
Receive invoice from UKReg for www.here_comes_the_rain_again.com.
FRIDAY Following a very secretive, whispered phone call for Wilson, he insists on being driven to the newsagent immediately to buy a copy of the Daily Mail. Once back in the car he riffles through the pages looking for the FeMail section, and shows me this photo of Dakota Fanning carrying one of Wilson's new bags. Although she looks like a Homeless Person, Dakota Fanning is apparently an up-andcoming film star! How very exciting!
SATURDAY Wilson receives another package from China. (The postman now greets him, 'Good morning Mr Vermilingua, Sir!') This time it's a very impressive pressed-metal lunch tin. 'For my approval', Wilson explains. 'And for my lunch. I designed it to hold six packs of Cheesy Wotsits as well as an emergency pack of chocolate ants and a carton of Ant Juice. Children love that kind of stuff. This is going to sell like hot cakes.' Just as long as it doesn't sell like Ant and Quorn Sandwiches.
He immediately sets about packing it, 'Just in case'.
SUNDAY Dozens of complaints from users of Wilson's new weather forecasting site. Wilson snorts a lot and asks me, 'Why are people never satisfied? What do they want?' I suggest they might like a weather forecasting site that accurately forecasts the weather. 'Well, we'd all like that, obviously!' he retorts, 'But what do they think I am, a magician? How can I possibly do that?' Later I notice him nailing up a piece of seaweed in the garden. MONDAY Wilson has been offered a hugely lucrative merchandising deal by McDonalds. He has considered it at some length, but decided to turn it down! I am aghast, but he says it would be unethical for a slim vegetarian to endorse fatbased meaty snacks. 'It would make Mrs Vermilingua ashamed of me, bring shame on the entire Vermilingua family. And on you, New Dad.' I have to admire his ethical stance... ... but we would have been rich! RICH!
TUESDAY Wilson is carrying out a marketing survey: Who's Cutest? HI WILSON? O Hello Kitty? O Miffy? O Bang on the Door? O Purple Ronnie? O WEDNESDAY Wilson has just heard about a 2.65 million pounds European programme to research the nutritional value of eating insects. He is now in a turmoil, wondering how to divert some of this research budget into his own pocket. He keeps repeating, 'If only we hadn't finished up all the Ant Juice ... we could have sent them samples!' Speaking for myself, I'm just relieved it HAS all gone. And those awful sandwiches! http://tinyurl.com/3pbugg6 THURSDAY I can just about remember 'The Chinese Detective' back in the 80s. Wilson has watched a couple of episodes on some Gold channel and has sent an Outline and a Pilot script to the BBC for a new version. I'm just not certain that the world's ready for an Anteater Detective. Voting in the 'WHO'S CUTEST?' poll is very slow. Actually, no-one at all has voted so far! Wilson has sent out an incentive to vote: a free car sticker. MIGHT be useful if anyone gives him a lift in their car, I suppose!
FRIDAY Wilson had to see the Dental Hygienist this morning to see how his mouthwash regime was working out. When presented with the bill, he managed to negotiate it down to zero by trading it for several rolls of 'I've Been Brave at the Dentist' stickers. What a guy! I'd never have had the nerve to try that... but then he does watch a lot of Dominic Littlewood's 'Don't Get Done, Get Dom' shows on tv! Dom is his hero... along with multi-millionaire Richard Branson!
SATURDAY Wilson approached by the Fish Marketing Board to promote fish eating. He acknowledges that fish is a healthy food, but goes to a fishmongers to investigate whether fish are sentient. He decides that they are and declines yet another financiallyrewarding opportunity. If only he could get a sponsorship deal from the Cheesy Wotsit
company... or perhaps the Ant Marketing Board...
SUNDAY A few more votes have gradually trickled in, and that's enough for Wilson: 'Hi Wilson' is now OFFICIALLY the cutest endorsements character, beating VERY stiff opposition from 2nd place Hello Kitty! Rather than endorsing food products (a moral and ethical minefield), Wilson has decided to produce his own range of motivational posters, greetings cards, clothing and accessories. Here is his first offering, a shirt from his '80s Retro range. MONDAY Only seven days until Talk Like A Pirate day! Wilson is getting so excited I'm afraid he may blow a gasket before the day arrives. I can't see what all the excitement is about, but then I'm not planning not only to Talk like but also to Dress Like a Pirate. Also, I have a big non-piraterelated surprise for Wilson he's going to LOVE it!
TUESDAY In anticipation of Wilson's Big Surprise (which he doesn't even know is coming), I've given him a Polaroid camera. He's been brought up with instant electronic imaging, and I hope he'll be interested to see an earlier, chemical version of the same thing; plus it's exciting watching the image gradually appear. However, the Impossible Project's film is even more expensive than the original, no longer available, Polaroid films... but it will be worth every penny if he likes it. WEDNESDAY DRINK Like A Pirate Day! Wilson has made this cute beermat for his friends to print out, take to a bar and leave on the table in the hope that people will see it and start Talking (Drinking!) Like Pirates! (When talking like a pirate, it does help to be drunk!) Cute, eh? Spread the word! He LOVES his Polaroid. I've already had to send off to Impossible Project for some more film!
THURSDAY Wilson's Special Surprise is getting closer and closer and he hasn't got a clue! He's still so wrapped up in Talk Like a Pirate day that he hasn't noticed the little clues I've accidentally left around the place! I hope it will take the edge off the anticlimax after T-L-a-P day has passed. Actually, I'm starting to get pretty excited myself! FRIDAY The Polaroid film has arrived in time for Wilson's Big Surprise. I've had to hide it, or he'll just photograph everything and use it up before the Big Surprise even starts... and we already have as many photographs of 'interesting' clouds as we're ever likely to need!
SATURDAY Received this note from Wilson this morning! (Nice stationery! I wonder how he had that lovely ribbon made... and how much it has cost me?) There was a car window sticker clipped to it - I'm just off to stick that in the rear window, then I'd better start practicing my Pirate Talk!
SUNDAY Wilson sent a brief Talk Like a Pirate Day message to all his friends:
"Ahoy buckos! - I woe ye havin a fun tide talakin like a gentleman o fortune! I be! An yell nereguess ere I be! Ya lily-livered scurvy bilge rats! Avast!
A little on the impolite side perhaps, but he is having an excellent time and is really enjoying his surprise Holiday in Blackpool! It was a long drive up, but all the way he insisted on playing Beatles songs on the CD player, singing along (when he wasn't asleep) at the top of his voice! Which gives me another idea...
This diorama was right opposite Wilson's bedroom window - he kept waking up and peeking out the curtains until they turned it off at almost midnight!
MONDAY Take Wilson to visit Blackpool's three Piers, where he goes on all the rides. Tomorrow, the Wax Museum and The Pleasure Beach! He wants to go there by Tram.
TUESDAY Take Wilson on the tram to Blackpool Wax Museum where he "meets" Jeremy Kyle and many of his other heroes! Then on the tram to The Pleasure Beach, where he's desperate to go on The Big One. I refuse -
I think the RSPCA will arrest me if I let him, plus he's not tall enough to be allowed on the ride... unless he sticks his nose in the air! However, he does get to go on almost everything else!
This is ME on the big one HA ha
wednesday HelLoOo0o! New Dads got Man Flu; hes very grumpy and his nose has gone red - v! funny! He says he cant write! So whatever hes asked me to write about our trip to the famous Liverpool where we went on a Magical Mystery Tour!
Liverpool is very cold and windy and its fuLl of Beatles! but very few ants! or beetles! Here are some brilLiant pictures of me there! Wilson V! XXX
THURSDAY I asked Wilson whether he enjoyed the holiday and he said it was 'Well wicked!" ... but now it's over and we must return home. Wilson sings Beatles songs ALL the way home (pausing only to doze and snack) - and I'm totally Beatle'd out! When we finally get home he falls asleep instantly! FRIDAY Wilson has brought back souvenirs for his friends and family - a fridge magnet and a snow globe. I have NO idea how he got these made, but I did catch him trying to sell them in bulk to several souvenir shops... and hawking them on the street while he thought I wasn't looking!
SATURDAY Took Wilson up to town for a tour of Buckingham Palace State Apartments. He was extremely excited at first, but it turned out this was because he'd got it into his head he was going to be awarded an OBE for Services to Ant Marketing. Had to buy him a crown in the gift shop to cheer him up. While I had a cup of tea at the Palace Cafe, Wilson ate loads of "royal ants" in the garden.
SUNDAY Wilson showed me this today - he says the Queen gave it to him 'round the back in an anteroom'. Now he insists that, in spite of the 'oversight', he will be calling himself Wilson Vermilingua OBE. Oh, I get it: ant-y room! Ha ha! MONDAY Wilson thinks he may not have made the most of the recent warm weather, so he's drawn this picture of himself enjoying a day on the beach - you have to admit, he does look pretty cute in his Speedos! Hope he doesn't get in trouble calling himself an OBE. Hope I don't get in trouble for letting him!
TUESDAY Wilson issues a CD of Beatles covers. I don't think Apple Corps is going to like this one little bit, but W does seem very sincere in his love of John Lennon and all his works. He has started quoting John Lennon in answer to almost every question. eg: Q: "Cup of tea, Wilson?" A: "God is a concept by which we measure our pain" After a while, this can become hugely annoying! WEDNESDAY I think the Beatles' Magical Mystery Tour in Liverpool made quite an impression on Wilson. Since Uckfield doesn't have any Local Rock Gods, he's decided to run Uckfield Magical Culture Tours. I wasn't aware we had any Cultural Icons either, but he's busy researching (ie making up) loads of stuff for the tour.
WEDNESDAY I Googled "Uckfield Culture" and the top hit is a Dog Beauty Parlour. Uckfield's most famous resident is Emma Lee French, a Mormon who went to America and became famous for pushing a cart. Don't even ask: I have no idea. Also its bridge was knocked down by a traction engine in 1903. Does that really counts as 'cultural'? This has all the makings of a very brief tour. Still, at least no ghosts should be involved! THURSDAY In ASDA today Wilson noticed some Halloween novelties. Once I'd explained what it was about he started hyperventilating. Eventually, after a sit down and a glass of water from a First Aider, he gasped "Trick or Treat could be even better than Talk Like a Pirate Day!" In view of what happened at the Ghost Tour, I've made no mention of the supernatural element of Halloween yet. This could be a VERY long October...
FRIDAY Wilson shows me this 'very famous painting' of his Great, Great ... Grandfather, the legendary "Blue Baron", during the Great Ant Wars of 1921, and tells me that it would diminish his great ancestry if he didn't learn to fly himself. So... flying lessons. This doesn't sound great - but it sounds expensive. And looking on the bright side, it might take his mind off the (almost certainly doomed) Cultural Tour project. SATURDAY Wilson has more-or-less completed his Cultural Uckfield Tour research. Apparently Uckfield was the last place Lord Lucan was ever seen and Ucky is mentioned in many works of fiction. Controversial entrepreneur Nicholas van Hoogstraten also lives here. Honestly, I think it would be best not to mention Mr van H. W wanted me to re-paint the car to look like the Magical Mystery Tour Bus, but I've had to draw the line!
SUNDAY Well, today's the day! I've just dropped Wilson off outside Boots the Chemist, where there was a surprisingly large crowd of Cultural Tourists waiting expectantly for him.
W was understandably nervous, but he strode off confidently towards the group, clutching his carrier bag filled with Tour Itineraries, ant juice, Quorn-and-ant sandwiches and some souvenirs he hopes to unload. Good luck, Wilson! You've got lovely weather for it!
MONDAY Well, theCultural Tour actually went pretty well. Wilson led his Cultural Tourists up and down the High Street, visiting shops where Lord Lucan 'probably' bought his Lottery tickets etc and seemed to enjoy it all. They took loads of photos, and asked W to pose with them outside the 'famous landmarks'. Many of the tourists were Japanese and German - the locals knew better! He also sold out of his souvenir fridge magnets - result!
TUESDAY Wilson receives a letter from the BBC thanking him for his "The Anteating Detective" script, but unfortunately it does not meet their present needs. He is not downhearted, though, because he is so excited about starting his flying lessons. To raise money for these, he's launching his new T-shirt and Motivational Poster range today. He asks me to remind you that they would make what he describes as 'Well Wicked presents'!
WEDNESDAY What with the money Wilson made from the Uckfield Cultural Mystery Tour and yesterday's Poster sales he's only a few pounds short of paying for his first flying lesson. I must say I have mixed feelings about the flying lessons, but I guess I'm just going to have to trust him to be careful and behave responsibly. Here's the first of his new T-shirt range: THURSDAY Almost there! Considering there's a recession, sales of Wilson's T-shirts and posters are going well - he has almost enough saved to pay for his flying lessons. Here's his latest design, 'FlyBoy', a special, commemorative, limited-edition T-shirt. And, as he's constantly reminding me, they do make well wicked gifts. Allegedly.
FRIDAY SO close - just a few more T-shirt sales and Wilson will be able to afford his first flying lesson! Here is another new release in his series of UniSex fashion wear, available on-line and from all good fashion retailers. (All? Really?) I'm sure I don't need to remind everyone about their Well Wickedness etc. SATURDAY Wilson's done it! He saved enough and has now sent off his cheque and application form to the flying school. He's so excited that he's struck a limited edition commemorative fridge magnet to mark the event. SUNDAY Today I noticed Wilson staring at me and frowning. I ignored it for a while, but eventually I asked what was the matter. 'Nothing', he replied, 'I'm just practicing Mind Control'. Some time later, when I asked him if he'd like a Kit-Kat and a milkshake, he punched the air and went, 'Yesssss!' Frankly, it's a little bit unnerving.
MONDAY Wilson has just got home after his first flying lesson. Here is a picture he showed me of him sitting in the cockpit of one of the trainer aircraft, a Tiger Moth. W tells me that this is the same type of plane in which his ancestor, the famous Blue Baron, flew many sorties in the Great Ant War. TUESDAY Wilson came home VERY excited today, saying he's had his first solo flight. I can't believe that after only two lessons they've let him fly a plane all on his own, but here's the proof, a photograph of him flying solo! At this rate he'll have his Pilot's Licence in no time at all!
WEDNESDAY A letter has arrived from the flying school, informing me that Wilson has been misbehaving during the Theory of Flight lessons. Apparently, during a coffee break he snuck out of the classroom and onto the airfield, where he jumped into a light aircraft and took off. It seems the picture W showed me so proudly yesterday came from the airport's security surveillance camera! Wilson says he doesn't want to talk about it. THURSDAY I've just been to the flying school with Wilson, where he made an abject apology and promised that it will never happen again. He gives the Chief Instructor this autographed picture of himself. The Chief Instructor looks very stern but eventually relents and admits Wilson back into the classes, subject to future good behaviour. On our way back to the car, W asks me if I'd "like a quick fly, no-one will find out". ions which s s e r p m I s Artist in! These are try and numb my pa I drew to
FRIDAY The flying school has just been in touch with Wilson. They said that they've checked his medical details and discovered that he's only four years old... Health and Safety... Legal Requirements... blah blah. They've told him he'll have to leave the flying school, and they suggest he re-apply in 13 years time. Still, they have refunded all his fees.
Poor Wilson - he's crushed, but I'll try to distract him with talk of Halloween. SATURDAY I've bought Wilson a copy of 'Rise of Glory', a WWI flying game for the iPad, so at least he can play at being an ace fighter pilot. I think this has helped to distract him from his disappointment at being expelled from the flying school, but now it means that my iPad lives in his bed... along with my Kindle... and the Sky+ remote... and some other stuff I've not even missed yet. Anyway, it's Halloween tomorrow - I'm sure that will occupy his mind for most of the day!
SUNDAY Halloween has arrived! Wilson spent most of the day adjusting the torch bulb in the end of his magic wand and making sure his hat was sufficiently 'sinister yet jaunty'. He's got his Treat bucket ready, together with a lot of rather worrying 'Tricks'. I've given him his tea and he'll be setting off as soon as it gets dark. Also, W has somehow found time to issue another T-shirt in his 'Couture' range - regardez: MONDAY: Here's a picture of Wilson Trick or Treating with some friends. He brought back a huge stack of Treats (which I'm trying to ration so he doesn't make himself sick) but, although he had a great time and enjoyed himself, he was a little disappointed he didn't get to use any of his Tricks. Having seen them, I think it's just as well that he didn't!
TUESDAY Wilson is still on a sugar-high from his Halloween excursion, so I've said nothing so far about Bonfire Night... but I have bought a few fireworks. No bangers, mind, just pretty ones. WEDNESDAY Wilson very impatient waiting for darkness to fall. He has drawn up a very complicated chart showing in what order all the fireworks are to be lit - I hope he's not disappointed as I've only bought a packet of sparklers and a couple of Catherine Wheels. We'd better pop down to the shops and get some Roman Candles and rockets...
THURSDAY Bonfire Night! Sparklers, toasted marshmallows, hot soup with ant garnish, story-telling and singing round a roaring bonfire... No fur was singed and Wilson had a brilliant time!
To ease any sense of anticlimax, I've planned a short CityBreak holiday for the coming week - I think Wilson will love it!
FRIDAY Here we are on our CityBreak to... Birmingham! Wilson is very excited (although, naturally, he slept for most of the journey). As we approached Brum he woke and saw a roadside hoarding advertising a concert by Adam Ant! I spent the rest of the journey telling him about Adam Ant, his band, the 80s, New Romanticism, Malcolm McClaren and Bow Wow Wow, 'Prince Charming', 'Stand and Deliver', the two drummers... Ah, they were heady days! I was enjoying my reminiscing when I noticed Wilson had nodded off again! SATURDAY
Here is Wilson getting ready to check in at our hotel. We're sharing a room, so I hope W is not too restless... or flatulent! I think the hotel's WiFi is expensive at 12 pounds for 24 hours, but W insists he needs it to research Adam Ant. He signed in as W. Vermilingua OBE. I still worry about that "OBE" business...
SUNDAY Wilson and I visited The Bullring today. In Selfridges, Wilson noticed what he assumed were left-over Halloween decorations but in fact are Christmas decorations. He has never heard of Christmas but, remembering what happened at ASDA when I told him about Halloween, I tell him we'll talk about it when we get back to the hotel. I wonder whether the Pharmacy will let me have some Valium without a script? MONDAY Back at the hotel, Wilson reacted pretty much as I expected when I explained Xmas to him: he was hysterical with excitement. I drew the curtains and made him breathe into a paper bag to calm him down, but I can't imagine he'll get much sleep tonight. Or on Xmas eve. Or possibly any night in between. He remembers seeing a model of Father Xmas in Selfridges, so I had to take him back there so he could see him again, now that he knows who he is!
TUESDAY Ant Wars II: While we were in Selfridges, Wilson saw something which brought back some painful memories for him: his expulsion from Flying School. Before I could stop him, he'd climbed up a shop display stand and was wing-walking across this amazing model bi-plane hanging from the ceiling. He says he 'wanted to get a better look at the robins on the landing-gear'. It costs 3000 pounds, it's diesel powered, and no, he's not getting it for Xmas! WEDNESDAY We've been trekking from store to store visiting all the Xmas displays. Wilson keeps telling me, and anyone else who will listen, that Xmas will be better that Talk Like a Pirate Day and Halloween rolled into one! For myself, I'm finding it a bit difficult to feel Xmassy when the sun is shining, the wether is warm and it's still only November, but W's mood is quite contagious!
THURSDAY Oooh! Wilson is in the Birmingham local paper! He is very cross that the report got both our names wrong, by the spelling mistakes (ant-eter indeed!) etc, but I think he's quite pleased with his daredevil depiction in the story... and secretly, he LOVES being called 'exotic'! Also, he thinks his profile works well in the photo! This is definitely one for his Cuttings album!
FRIDAY Wilson has designed a Hi Wilson! Advent Calendar. He's sent a copy to all his friends, in kit form so they can 'have the fun of making it themselves'. This could be tricky, since he recommends that part of the assembly should be done with eyes closed - so as not to spoil the surprise of what's behind each door. I can only wish everyone Good Luck With That, but W assures me that this will really put everyone in the Xmas mood!
SATURDAY Now it's Xmas Markets! I have to admit, it is quite fun, and it helps me see Xmas once more through the eyes of childhood, since everything about it is new and fresh and magical to Wilson, as it once was to me and many years later to my children...
SUNDAY How many times can one anteater ride on one ride? I had to go visit the ATM twice to keep this ride fed to Wilson's satisfaction... and when we finally left (Cheesy Wotsits crisis) he STILL wanted more! This anteater is insatiable! MONDAY Who'd have thought there were so many German Xmas Markets in England - how do they manage in Germany when all the markets are over here? Still, Wilson is LOVING it... especially the Xmas food! There may be no ant-related snacks, but he's making up with extra jacket potatoes and crepes :-)
TUESDAY On the way back from Birmingham we visited London so I could take Wilson to the Apple Market at Covent Garden. He liked the buskers there and I had to stop him from doing some busking himself. He bought himself some 'Xmas Bananas' from the market, and assured me they were the 'loveliest and most delicious and altogether scrummiest' bananas he had ever eaten.
WEDNESDAY While we were at the Apple Market we had tea, and Wilson was delighted to see that the cafe stocked Ant Juice! (I can't imagine where they got that from, must be leftover stock at some bankrupt food warehouse.) So, 'Xmas Bananas' washed down with Ant Juice - what could possible be better? Roll on Xmas!
THURSDAY Home again, and Wilson realises that as well as receiving gifts he must give some too, so he's published this new Motivational Poster to raise some cash for his Xmas Present fund. Why not print it out and stick it up... somewhere? FRIDAY Wilson has written his letter to Father Xmas...
SATURDAY Wilson's just been out to post his letter to Father Xmas. He has received an email informing him that he has been unsuccessful in his application to carry the Olympic Torch. I expected him to be disappointed, but he's so caught up in preparations for Xmas he hardly paid it any attention; in fact I've half a suspicion he'd forgotten he even applied! SUNDAY Wilson has received loads of Xmas cards from his family - his mum Mrs Vermilingua and all his various half- and stepbrothers and -sisters... even a couple from stepfathers who have met him. All the cards are very similar - I don't suppose there's a lot of choice at the Drusillas Souvenir Shop - but I think W was touched to be remembered.
MONDAY It's much harder to choose an Xmas tree when one is accompanied by an anteater with such high standards. Our tree has to be perfect: it has to look perfect, smell perfect, be the perfect shape and size etc. I feel a bit Scrooge-like wishing it were the perfect price! I had to put my foot down about cutting a hole in the ceiling to accommodate an extra-tall tree even though, as Wilson pointed out, 'it would decorate two rooms at once!'
Naturally, each treechoosing trip includes a lengthy refreshments break.
TUESDAY Ant Wars II: Wilson visits Father Xmas' Workshop. I could hear much excitement from inside, and W eventually emerged bearing a small gift and a large smile.
WEDNESDAY Wilson tried to stare-down this reindeer. He lost, but it took a long time for him to finally accept defeat.
THURSDAY Hope Wilson will approve a Xmas Tree soon - there's some minor detail wrong with every one, and he demands perfection! I'm afraid we might still be looking for the perfect tree in the new year - but at least they might be reduced by then :o) The constant trekking from Garden Centre to Xmas Tree Plantation to yet another Garden Centre is making me feel like a Nomad, but Wilson's enthusiasm never flags! FRIDAY Ant Wars II: At last I've heard the words I feared I might never hear: "This one! Let's get this one!" I paid the man and between us Wilson and I carried the tree back to the car and set off for home. The car smells deliciously of pine... not in a "Pine Toilet Duck" way but like a wonderful Scandinavian Pine Forest in Winter. As soon as we get home we're going to have some Mulled Ant Wine and a mince pie before we start decorating the tree :-)
SATURDAY Wilson has declared our Xmas Tree to be the Best Xmas Tree Ever and (although he has never seen a real Xmas tree before this year, so his judgement is based on little comparative evidence) I'm inclined to believe he might be right! We got a bit carried away with the Mulled Ant Wine and mince pies yesterday, so we'll decorate the tree later today, which should be fun! W is currently testing the Fairy Lights. "Ha ha! Currently" – did you see what I did there? Electric curre... oh, never mind! SUNDAY Wilson has decorated the Xmas Tree pretty much unaided - I think he's done a really nice job, although he did have to climb up the curtains to adjust the star!
MONDAY Back to our local garden centre for something we'd forgotten, and Wilson couldn't resist visiting their Santa's Workshop. He was a bit cross that their Father Xmas didn't remember him from the last time he saw him (at a different Santa's Workshop, at a different Garden Centre. I can't remember how I dealt with this with my own kids - they probably didn't get to visit more than once!) but he was very pleased with his gift. TUESDAY Just to get everyone in the Xmas mood, Wilson has produced this special one-off Xmas Weather Forecast for the coming week. Hope the on-line shopping gets through from Waitrose! Wrap up warm, everyone!
WEDNESDAY I hope I'm not spoiling Wilson, but I do find it very difficult to say No... particularly when he sees something which I know he'll love and it doesn't cost very much... like this cuddly reindeer. THURSDAY Wilson finally admitted defeat and opened one of his toys from Father Xmas. It was a mouth organ! He is delighted with it; I a little less so. He's learning some tunes, mostly Xmas carols, but when he makes a mistake, he makes the same mistake every time he plays it. But he's putting his heart and soul into it, and it does sound quite Xmassy... and there's nothing about it that paracetamol can't fix! Last night the Uckfield Lions came round with their Xmas Float! Wilson was very impressed, not least because they gave him two lollipops!
FRIDAY Xmas Eve may not be quite here yet, but Wilson doesn't want to take any chances with being too late, so last night he went out into the garden to erect his "Santa Please Land Here" sign. I've assured him that, although helicopters usually need a giant 'H' on the ground for landing he doesn't need to paint a huge 'S' (for sleigh) (or, I suppose, for Santa) on our lawn. I hope he believes me about this. SATURDAY It's Xmas Eve at last: almost there! Wilson's stocking is hung, the glass of Ant Wine and mince pie for Father Xmas and seven carrots for the reindeer are all laid out by the hearth; it remains only to persuade a thoroughly over-excited ant-eater to go to bed. Soon it will all be over and I'll be sticking in photos of Wilson opening his presents on Xmas morning... Happy Xmas, everyone! card my Xmas e b o t re his pictu t s w e r d I aPpy xMa h e n o to evEry
SUNDAY Xmas Day! Too much to eat and too much to drink - both Wilson and I had a lovely day.
MONDAY Wilson is very snug in his Xmas Dressing Gown :o) He also received a micro-scooter, a cuddly anteater and a Dymo labelling machine, and seemed very pleased with everything.
TUESDAY We spend the days following Xmas watching tv mostly re-runs of Frasier and the dreadful Jeremy Kyle Show - while eating and drinking too much. Wilson has made some special 'Xmas Chocolate-covered Ants' with extrathick chocolate, and also some Minceand-Ant Pies. They're not as bad as they sound. Not quite. WEDNESDAY Whatever he does, wherever he goes Wilson refuses to be parted from his plush toy anteater and his dressing gown. Looking at this picture, I wish now that I'd bought him some slippers too. His toy anteater he has named, ironically, Antony! I don't think the dressing gown has a name... but of course, that could change!
THURSDAY Wilson has spent a long time this morning scrutinising the New Year's Honours List, to see whether his OBE had been formalised. It hadn't. Undismayed, W has drawn up his list of New Year's Resolutions and stuck them to the fridge door. It looks like being a busy year ahead...
You and your friends can follow Wilson's Adventures with the Ants at: http://antwars2.blogspot.com/
If you think your friends would enjoy reading about me DO tell them about my Blog! Wilson Vermilingua OBE
Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permission of TamanduaGirl: http://www.livingwithanteaters.com