Focus on Unmet Needs and Forget the Unmet Promises
HOW COUNSELLORS DEPICT
ADULTERY
NOT AS ABUSE, BUT JUST AS A 2-SIDED
INTERPERSONAL PROBLEM
We Saw What Hollywood Has To Say... Just a Bit of a Fantasy
Is the counsellor’s world feeding delusion too?
What About Words Used by Counsellors? Counsellors hear the same Hollywood depiction of love affair fantasies, and know the common words used by the culture ď‚— Counsellors gravitate towards words that are neutral & reduce the time-wasting blame-making conflicts ď‚—
What About Counsellors’ Agenda?
They try to be neutral, guiding, analytical, skilled, non-judgemental and upbeat ◦ They have a role to provide positive smooth encouragement for a successful close ◦ They know that the situation must be faced as dispassionately as possible ◦ They know that changes must be accepted and made by both partners ◦ They know the cause must be faced ◦ They know they can be sued if they step outside clinical norms, which are loaded against the FP
What About Words Used by Counsellors?
So ... Now how do counsellors word the agenda and move it along? Sometime they move on much too soon using the Hollywood words that smooth things out (simplify acceptance or closure) Always by moving away from harsh acrimonious words Euphemisms, jargon and kindly psychobabble package this well... “just talk about your feelings about the love affair”
What About Words Used by Counsellors?
So ... Do how now do counsellors react to the partner who
◦ also wants to move it along? ◦ is at ease spouting euphemisms, jargon and psycho-babble (“my love affair at first helped me cope with my past and met my unmet needs”)
So guess which partner is given the mike & gets kudos for not being enraged Guess which partner gets gagged immediately and is deprived of real words to describe facts and feelings that are not quick to smooth out
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Adultery
They might even say (but let’s hope not): ◦ Adultery is common and natural, often harmless and helpful (we already dealt with this bull)
◦ Female Adultery is an understandable response to the male patriarchal family (we have too little time to deal with this total bull, but for the record the male Other Person is equally or much more likely to be a taker. And the cheater by definition is one)
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Adultery
Survey Says: Adultery is common
Common = scientifically sound reason for you to fit in with other normal people Common = Popular = everybody’s doing it
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Adultery
They might make believe they are social scientists, and having read a few pop magazine surveys say: ◦ Adultery is common
• Is that the right focus? Slavery was common They need their heads read. What’s this all about? Making it acceptable. Making it seem popular (and all the positives that rhubarb implies) Popular = everybody’s doing it (pickin’ their ass and chewin’ it). These counsellors better stop showing off their ignorance of real statistics and stop cheerleading for cruelty.
Reluctantly let’s Examine... The Shaky Stats that Say
Adultery is Common The question is a bogus deflection. Put that aside. Anyway
let’s look for a minute at the claim that “Studies Prove” ◦ Adultery is common ... 15% to 60% are “going go do it” ◦ Web sites say 80% - why not make it up?
What’s the Question? It is so difficult to get clear facts on this The question ”Have you ever cheated?” exaggerates
• • • • • •
• •
Is it asked to people who are divorced, and not married. And to unpledged cohabiters. Doesn’t that “up” the stats a bit? I guess you were duped into thinking it only asked people currently married to see how they are doing. Includes people who are OPENLY in non-exclusive arrangements, or not heterosexual. Or from cultures that permit looser arrangements, including the drug and alcohol communities, the sex trade community, and the entertainment and politician class. It is a lifetime question that accumulates past data and past circumstances It includes the questionable areas of cheating, such as years ago in a previous marriage when long separated by thousands of miles for months but intending divorce – technically cheating but not context you were looking for
The Question “Are you not a drug user, not an alcohol abuser, not separated, married now, and cheating this month?” yields a number well under 3% The Follow-Up : “Have you been cheating for years?” makes up most of this 3% ... Like Eliot Spitzer and Arnold Swarzenegger. In other words take away the habitual cheaters and you get an even smaller number.
Refusing and Walking Away From Adultery Is Much More Common
“Being approached” as a married person is common too “Seeing Escort Ads” is common Seeing Cheater’s web sites is common Having fantasies is common
But ... This is true for everybody ... While we are doing stats, ◦ Why don’t we see the stats that show how often married people demonstrate total fidelity in spite of encouragement to cheat? ◦ Because high self-reported Adultery stats make better tabloid journalism and tabloid academic publishing, especially if the author has a pro-adultery axe to grind
Counselling is about learning nuances It sometimes forgets to state the basics
WHAT IS NOT SAID
Mr Cheater
You are a smug addict of betrayal You are so steeped in lies it has become a grating habit You pick nasty fights as a painful blame game – not to seek resolution for anything You are so full of excuses for betrayal that all the lame blame sounds wonderful to you That is your delusion. Nobody else buys in. Nobody.
Mr Cheater,You Changed. Then You Tossed Your Loved Ones Overboard. Since Then,You have Been Scrounging For Ways To Blame Somebody Else ď‚— ď‚—
Her largest fault was loving and trusting you Her largest pain was losing the other you who had a heart and honesty; since then you have been tormenting and pestering her with deceit, carping and cruel false blame
Mr Cheater, This Shit-Storm Is All Your Doing
Before you blame her and attack her for the imperfect way she is coping with the filthy mire you tossed her into, consider this:
◦ Every time she looks at you she sees the very sneaky manipulative rotten cheat you are ◦ Every time she hears you speak, she is listening to the easy-liar and mean blaming tormentor you are ◦ She is very sad to see your black heart; you are annoyed that she does
So she is already meeting you half-way just by being in counselling – it’s your move. What are you are going to do to respect her kind gesture? More lies blame and evasions don’t cut it any more.
How Much Of That Is Said? ď‚—
None
ď‚—
If it was any other cruel abuse or assault it would be bizarre to leave that unsaid
Focus on Unmet Needs and Forget the Unmet Promises
NEEDS NOT MET AND OTHER INCREDIBLE WORD GAMES
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Adultery
Counsellors will employ some vocabulary and thinking borrowed from Hollywood ◦ Neutral words (“affair, relationship”) ◦ Positive, Special and caring (“Love affair, lover”) ◦ Empathizing with Cheating (“fulfilling, not meeting needs, needs were not being met, must have lacked something” ) Here’s a man whose needs were not being met. The proof? -- he is not keeping his vows. That’s it. QED, What a bitter idiotic non sequiter.
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Adultery What “needs
not met” really implies:
1. The “something missing” is valid and important – a deserved and vital life line – comfort in a needy time 2. It is much deserved from somebody mainly the faithful partner – an indictment ** 3. That “somebody” is clumsily or wickedly depriving them
** Is this crap really considered non-judgemental? WTF.
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Adultery
So ... Are you really sure that this “need” was not just one of the ... many fantasy ‘wants’ or whims that we all have ◦ Doesn’t maturity include recognition that our wants are infinite, selfish, diminish when we get them, and never fulfilled, and that ◦ Fulfillment comes from finding meaning - as much from giving and contributing and making ourselves more worthy, living up to our values – esteem is not a free entitlement owed from all those around us
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Facing Adultery
Counsellors accept some of the cheating culture’s Hollywood words and hence smuggle in some shackling limitations, cheater’s excuses, boneheaded evasions, finger-pointing and delusions in the back door Counsellors forget that cheater’s starting point is a baggage of words and excuses that evade and manipulate – buy in and you too evade and manipulate
They Minimize Facing Adultery
Counsellors carry being neutral & nonjudgemental too far by taking it out of the counsellor's world and making it part of the discussion content ◦ “Everything is a choice” – as if all choices were equally valid ◦ Condoning cheating is not considered “wrong” in amoral counselling terms, but using this jargon amounts to condoning manipulation and betrayal without ever calling it that
They Minimize Facing Adultery
When being neutral & non-judgemental is made a unspoken requirement of the discussion content ◦ Places everybody’s hand on the “non-judgemental” button This enables a cheater to duck the facts, costs and consequences of breaking his word and betraying This notion bashes the concept of responsibility ◦ A “no judgement zone” slams the faithful partner who (strangely enough) may consider his/her search for keeping one’s word & balanced treatment is plainly one of basic integrity & fairness, not harmful finger-pointing ... Why smear it as just being (dysfunctionally) judgemental and resentful?
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Facing Adultery
But wait a minute ... Isn’t “needs not met” really a judgemental saying too? ◦ So how does this fit into being non-judgemental? ◦ It doesn’t. But it does fit into the counsellor’s bias of moving along and recognizing we all must change and try to be better at understanding our mate’s emotional needs ◦ Taken too soon, this gambit just loads ammo into the gun of the cheater’s manipulation and justification agenda See, the counsellor agrees that my needs were not met and that you drove me to another’s arms.
They Minimize Facing Adultery
Here’s one way they props up delusional thinking
◦ The “Relative Truth” Prop the alternate delusional universe is placed on equal terms (his truth, her truth, relative truth, accepting other truths, fairness is an unhelpful outmoded concept not a truth, facets of truth) This synthetic no-truth world is cruel and insincere - a pat on the back to the liar & puts the good housekeeping seal on manipulation The victim of manipulation is deprived of a simple natural defence: “That’s a lie! I deserve being told the truth, not lied to.”
They Minimize Facing Adultery
Another way they prop up delusional thinking
◦ The “Moving On” Prop Quick “getting over trouble” depends on moving forward – “just deal with it and move on” - Fast “dealing with it ” is supposedly a right path out of blame No! Premature “dealing with it” is really a path out of responsibility and “owing anything for one’s word” “Move On” skips blaming the cheater: it avoids ever facing many behaviours and major costs that may be one sided Ironically, it keeps blame on the faithful partner e.g. for not meeting needs, not being a lover, not being aware ... Now pile on an additional charge of “not moving on fast enough” because of “obsession and resentment”
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words?
They Minimize Adultery
They will too quickly employ jargon that is only half true – and shut down talk of the other half: ◦ Cheaters need to “find themselves” ◦ Couples are “incompatible” ◦ Cheaters cheat “because they are unhappy and need to find something their partner did not provide” ◦ Both partners “need to change, it is 50-50” ◦ People need to “move on”
What Happens When Counsellors Use These Words? They Minimize Adultery
Cut the bullshit jargon. Instead, take this home with you: ◦ When somebody says they are separating to “find themselves” they are really finding themselves in someone else’s bed
◦ When somebody says they are incompatible, they do NOT mean that they prefer different makes of car or salad dressings or mattresses... it does NOT mean one wants respect and the other doesn’t... it just means that 95+ out of 100 divorces that don’t involve drug abuse are tainted by cheating, even those that have
other causes such as alcoholism and crime
Sugary Psycho-babble # 1
Call Me Incompatible
Here are some effective translations for counsellor’s psycho-babble jargon: ◦ Need to find myself (means one wants to try another partner)
◦ Incompatible (means
that even the counsellor believes that 1 or 2 of them are not even trying after a cheater becomes hooked on cheating * or when both give up after cheating is exposed)
◦ * Cheating = sneaky repulsive lies to permit unfaithfulness to vows and promises they once made freely, solemn loving vows they expect their partner to keep and they know are their children’s best protection for the future, but they shit on these vows to amuse themselves with bogus emotional intimacy and sexual contact with an outsider who cares little what harm results, and they shamelessly excuse it by painfully magnifying and inventing their partners faults
The Counsellor Prescribes: Tools to Work It Out ď‚— ď‚—
ď‚—
The counsellor has a cupboard full of nice sounding tools and tutorials With these mini-courses and exercises, the betrayed partner and the manipulative partner are supposed to sit down and work it out under guidance The counsellor explains that all issues start with bad communications, and that anger is the obstacle to getting along better, and that solutions come from self understanding rather than judging and blaming others
Prescriptions or Premature Matriculation?
“Let’s
Both of You Work On It”
Understanding Partner’s Emotional Needs Anger Management Communications Boosting Mutually Face the 50-50 Need to Change Move Forward – Build Trust All this happy deflection .... While the cheating and manipulation continues Rats Kanoodling
Sugary Psycho-babble # 2
Call You Angry – You Work On It Anger
management ** focuses on the
mechanics of handling stress & pain, not the source - which may be a poisoned well with the poisoner still scooping in more poison ◦ ** often means both manipulator and victim must “study and practice” what one of them really needs but doesn’t care to try – a classic therapy time-waster
I’m angry and sad about being betrayed, lied to and made to live a nightmare. I feel justified because of facts not because of anger.
I’m angry about being caught, and that we have to talk about it.
My anger makes me feel justified that she is an obsessive jealous witch.
Sugary Psycho-babble # 2
Call You Angry – You Work On It
Anger management ◦ This silence about wrongs validates the cheater ... Do you see any action to correct underlying causes? A level playing field and silence about content tells cheater that all anger is equal: that he/she is equally justified at anger over being caught (anger that faithful partner won’t just drop the subject or look the other way or won’t accept lies) In fact, cheaters are “superior” if they are better at managing anger than somebody who has a real reason to be angry
Sugary Psycho-babble # 2
Call You Angry – So Shut Up
Anger management diverts from deeper and useful content.
◦ Sidetracks and Neutralizes faithful partner’s agenda ◦ It is a second rape and gagging unless the cheater is taught that Anger doesn’t justify anything – it may make you feel justified when you aren’t – unjust anger deludes guilty people into applauding & buying their own bullshit excuses Anger shuts down consideration of other people’s pain you caused Anger over your loss of ability to manipulate others is just one more nasty manipulation
◦ Some anger is more valid and necessary - Cheater must learn to have some “blameless acceptance of his victim’s anger” as part of cheater's healing
If Anger Management Is Not the Big Answer
What Tools Should We Use?? How About These Courses... Delusion Management Lying Addiction management Lust Management Awareness
Grow
of Your Victim’s Pain
Up and Get A Grip management
... But they don’t offer these courses
Ever Wonder Why Counsellors Don’t Suggest These Classes Too?
Delusion Management ◦ The reality of adultery versus your tedious junior high delusions
Lying Addiction Management – Start With True Thoughts ◦ Open your mouth without excuses, false blame and other bullshit
Lust Management ◦ Can’t You Keep It Zipped Up? How to get beyond animal.
Awareness of Your Victim’s Pain ◦ A course for cheaters like “John School” for hooker-addicts
Grow Up and Get A Grip management ◦ Character still counts, Feelings require thoughtful handling.
... Here’s why they don’t offer these. Because, unlike Anger Management, they have the smell of “taking sides”
Focus on Unmet Needs and Forget the Unmet Promises
DANGEROUS SEARCH FOR CAUSES
The Big Diversion: “What Causes Cheating?”
In classic counselling, “What Causes Cheating” really means “what excuses cheating” So open your mouth, here comes bushels of casuistic excuses sugared up as “causes” Start with these cover-ups: ◦ Unmet needs ◦ Not happy
Like most tautologies, they sound good, they say nothing and send you chasing your tail
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
You Didn't Meet My Needs “People
cheat because they are unhappy or unfulfilled some way in their relationships.” ◦ True of course, but so what? (Did you think the opposite?) ◦ Why is it that these needs have to be played out only in cheating? No other options? Is there some excuse-making here? Are some “needs” something more like uncontrolled wants on steroids?
◦ Why not take a good close look at these needs
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
You Didn't Meet My Needs “People cheat because they are unhappy or unfulfilled some way in their relationships.” * ◦ This is dumb thinking. As psycho-babble it just closes the door, implying that the faithful partner has an obligation to fulfill all the cheater’s desires or imagined possibilities (called “needs” in psycho-babble) ... And accept that the cheater has right on his side ◦ That’s just convenient and one-sided – pointing the finger at the faithful partner... and away from the cheater
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
You Didn't Meet My Needs
“People cheat because they are unhappy or unfulfilled some way in their relationships.” ◦ It’s an all encompassing next-day excuse dressed up in dime store philosophy. Did anybody think he would instead admit responsibility for catering to his own whims? ◦ Counsellors love to repeat this meaningless drivel. They let cheaters spout it like gospel as excuses for devastating manipulation and crass lack of compassion
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
You Didn't Meet My Needs
“People cheat because they are unhappy or unfulfilled some way in their relationships.” ◦ It’s another one-sided plea to justify wrong-doing ◦ If it were serious, it would not be special pleading for the cheater: if real, we should invoke this tautology to urge faithful partners to start cheating
◦ Why not, if it is a real reason? How come? Doesn’t everybody have some unfulfilled need?
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
Deep-Sounding Answers “People
cheat because they are unhappy in their relationships - their needs are not met”
Why not say the truth? He was looking for a buddy or an adventure even though his wife’s gifts and attention were abundant. The buddy didn’t meet his needs either, but shared secret sex with him because he calculated the risk of being caught was low.
Here’s a man whose needs were not being met, and naturally he was unhappy. A good long relationship with an outside sex partner finally gave him what his embattled soul yearned for. He won’t be back. And he definitely won’t be happy in spite of a long term habit of catering to his own needs.
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
Deep-Sounding Answers â—Ś Any need not met? It could be literally anything. Neat answer! This way all cheating is always justified. Sweet logic. If only his needs were met!
What was she thinking of by neglecting him?
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
You Didn't Meet My Needs
“People cheat because they are unhappy in their relationships - their needs are not met.”
◦ Need? What need? It could be anything.– just fill in the blanks for “need” or imagined need such as to keep up with the people in porn or singles clubs or in romance novels or in James Bond or in TV soaps or in weepy self-pity advice articles
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
You Didn't Meet My Needs ◦ It is always used as an excuse after the fact. ◦ Only the cheater has needs? Or is unhappy? ◦ Say what, just maybe the faithful spouse also had burdens. too ◦ Because the faithful spouse was able to shoulder them with sacrifice – how come the free pass (along with weeping and empathy) all goes to the one who gave up? It gives credit for failure and self-absorbed people . ◦ It beats up those who lived up to their word. Isn’t that a nice ready-made table turner!
Sugary Psycho-babble # 3
You Didn't Meet My Needs
“People cheat because they are unhappy in their relationships – their needs are not met.” ◦ Any need not met? This way all cheating is always justified – To duck mundane obligations which they are disinclined to shoulder (“make them unhappy or bored or feeling lonely or overwhelmed or craving variety”) Or to feed emotional turmoil - turn unrestrained self-pity (“I can’t cope”) into “you didn’t meet my need for an easy ride (on your already burdened shoulders)” Or to turn “wants better things” into cheerleading one’s unrealistic or self-absorbed whims – just “look for it elsewhere”
Reality Check:
Whose Job Is It To Find Fulfillment? Is it somebody else’s fault that you are looking in the wrong places places for the wrong things?
Is it somebody else’s fault that your expectations are unrealistic?
Reality Check:
Who is perfect? Who can be fulfilled and not embrace imperfection?
Do you reject all people who cannot meet your needs? Do you respect people who embrace those who have special needs?
Aren’t We Forgetting Something?
Didn’t the cheater freely pledge a dedicated exclusive loving relationship? And expect his partner to live up to that pledge too Yes, he gave his word He didn’t add “and whenever I deem I have an unfulfilled need I am free to go behind your back and betray you.” In fact, common fairness would ask him to exit the relationship before meeting his needs through betrayal Sorry, this is counselling. Here fairness is only a selfish outmoded emotion, so who cares anyway?
And Don’t Forget How One-Sided It Is to Play the “Unmet Needs” card The cheater insists that “unmet needs” are vital and this overrides all other considerations Actually he lies again ... He only means HIS unmet needs
When he decided to go out and betray another ◦ Did he first check out whether he should first be looking after his partner’s unmet needs? ◦ Did he realize that he was creating unmet needs that he already committed to meet ?– called fidelity – not just some unstated unmet need that he didn’t try to meet sensibly
Of course not ... It’s only about HIS unmet needs AS HIS CONVENIENT EXCUSE He really doesn’t give a flying shit about OTHER PEOPLE’S unmet needs – even the ones he pledged to meet
And Don’t Forget Something Else About
“Unmet Needs”
The cheater is by definition good at lying He will lie to his best trusting friend He will lie to his cheating partner’s spouse He will lie to relatives and children He will lie to his cadre of cheerleaders He will lie to the marriage counsellor He will lie to his private counsellor Of course, does the leopard loses his spots when talking about his needs? Will he just be scouring for excuses to turn the table, or will he be both “truthful and insightful” when he “discloses” his unmet need
But I Really Do Have Painful “Unmet Needs”
She/He Is So Remote And Uncaring! The cheater is correct. After depriving her of full commitment you promised, manipulating blaming and betraying her for weeks, months, years ... She is very remote and apathetic and in fact a trauma victim The cheater claims to have no one to love at home, and (boo-hoo) that is so sad. A child that kills his parents also throws himself at the mercy of the court because he is an orphan
New Answer To “Unmet Needs” Life is not about getting what you want Life is about wanting what you get
Especially if you gave your pledge and can only get other things by betrayal, deceit, destruction and blame
Final Word On Unmet Needs
ALL people have “unmet needs” even if they ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦
live in a dream castle with 1000 happy servants, ten billion dollars, a very attractive witty caring and loving spouse, great sex, great companionship, perfect health, a well-toned body, 10 gorgeous loving children and 8 jolly reindeer.
Final Word On Unmet Needs ALL people have “unmet needs” even if they live in a dream castle with 1000 happy servants, ten billion dollars, a very attractive witty caring and loving spouse, great sex, great companionship, perfect health, a well-toned body, 10 gorgeous loving children and 8 jolly reindeer. That’s still no reason to burn down Disneyland, make your spouse’s life hell and evict the children
Actually my dick had many unmet needs, it had no self-esteem
Final Word On Unmet Needs ALL people have “unmet needs” even if they live in a dream castle with 1000 happy servants, ten billion dollars, a very attractive witty caring and loving spouse, great sex, great companionship, perfect health, a well-toned body, 10 gorgeous loving children and 8 jolly reindeer. That’s still no reason to burn down Disneyland, make your spouse’s life hell and evict the children
Actually my dick had many unmet needs, it had no self-esteem
Maybe We Will Grow Up Naah ... Let’s Just Get Over It and Swallow Nonsense
COUNSELLING’S ROLE IN PLAYING ALONG
With Some Words, Hollywood and Counselling Are Buddies How bad can a few gentle words be?
What better words are there for “Love Affair� anyway?
What Do These Nice Hollywood Words Avoid Saying?
Here’s the Basic Truth Known even by Dummies ... ◦ Cheating on vows to partners is a destructive and everybody outside Hollywood knows it ◦ If it was done TO them instead of BY them ... They would not like it at all ... And they would not like these lying Hollywood words
◦ If they are the ones doing it, they sugar coat the whole thing with neutral and positive terms to avoid facing the obvious cruelty and deception
What Do These Nice Hollywood Words Avoid Saying?
Here’s the Basic Truth Known even by Dummies ... ◦ Cheaters have a choice – find that special relationship after separating and openly giving your partner an equal chance too
Cheating
is the coward’s way out
Gosh Golly Darn, Do We Have To Use Unpleasant Words Like “Cheater”?
Gosh Golly Darn, Do We Have To Use Words Like Cheater?
Q: Don’t they see themselves as lovers? Why force your labels on them?
A: Because we need to speak truth – to name the characteristic name, not one of many accidental possible attributes that slant the view towards slippery sympathy for the cheater
The universal objective characteristics are: they all cheat, betray trust, lie, manipulate, inflict damage, convert resources deceptively, and put innocents at risk
Why Do We Have To Use Words Like Cheater?
Because they are cheaters. To call them lovers is our way of sniggering and winking at their core role.
As it happens, some may have any of a number of side attributes, such as love but not always anything like love ... ◦ ◦ ◦ ◦
Some may be rutting animals with capricious love or no love Others may show affection for dozens of people at the same time Others may collect a harem, a hor-dello, or an office team Others may just jump into a one-nighter or say it was just sex
But they are all cheaters, not necessarily lovers or rutters or one-nighters
Do We Really Have To Use Words Like Cheater?
You bet. They are cheaters. Full Stop.
They focus on the illusion that they are companions or friends –as if they were meeting to play tennis or trade stock market tips or go shopping for art works Their meetings are different – they go to get together in private, to share what they pretend not to share, betraying their “public image” to those who trust and befriend them most, then covering up and just lying all about it And their replica latter-day love always comes at the expense of betraying a sworn love relationship So it is an obvious cowardly dodge to call them lovers – we may as well call them loyal friends too while we are guffawing and covering for their manipulative lies
Maybe We Will Grow Up Naah ... Let’s Just Visit The Help-the-Cheater Website
SOCIETY'S ROLE IN PLAYING ALONG WHY DO WE ALL TREAT TORMENT AS A MINOR
SOB STORY AND CHEATERS AS LOVERS?
These Hollywood Words Lie
Nobody faces reality when using slanted sweet words like “love affair” and “lover” ◦ Dark facts need not cloak under neutral or positive words (polite terms, euphemisms, spin, re-branding, nonsense, crap, bullshitese)
◦ You can never know reality by using spin – it helps you cling to fantasy and false pictures ◦ Truth is, these words not only excuse the acts, but they place the blame on the faithful “non-lover” for being non-loving ... now that’s a real crock
The “Cut the Bullshit” Guide to Cheating No more Mr. Nice Guy To deal with real life, we must use words that describe reality – remove the false sugar coating
The “Cut the Bullshit” Guide answers:
Is Cheating Just A Minor Offside?
Just state the simple facts, like you are talking to adults
Cheating occurs while still in somebody else’s intimate and shared life, with personal promises & solemn agreements still binding: ◦ If each partner has vowed to each partner, should not such an arrangement be dissolved mutually? & openly? ◦ What would they be thinking if it was done TO them behind their backs? ◦ Is your good word worth nothing? And you say you are a better person in an affair? How delusional is that?
The “Cut the bullshit” Guide answers:
Is Cheating Minor or Crappy?
Just state the simple facts, like you are talking to adults
Cheating occurs while still pretending to share intimacies and expect the other partner to fully “shoulder on” and give self to cheater :
Evil Mooch
◦ How crappy is it to break vows yourself, while still holding the other partner to the promises you still want to enjoy? ◦ Is marriage secretly placed in the “old shoe” bin when convenient?
The “Cut the bullshit” Guide answers:
Is Cheating Minor or Crappy?
Minor Incident? ...or Life Dream’s Shattered? ◦ What about those years invested in mutual goods (children, children’s future, years devoted, hopes, plans, shared memories) Are they intended for the trash bin? Or was there something about “till death do us part” to protect them and mutually set future expectations? What’s the point of family planning or marriage itself if the basis for all plans can be tossed aside like dinner scraps? Do children deserve better? Like, an intact family.
What was the damage? I don’t really recall.
LET’S RE-CAP WHAT WE SAID EARLIER WHEN I DIDN’T HAVE YOUR FULL ATTENTION
The “Cut the bullshit” Guide answers:
What is A Love Affair? Cheating
Just state the simple facts, like you are talking to adults
Children need to hear words like “lover” and “love affair” to hide unpleasantness Adults can call things what they are
◦ “Cheaters” and “Cheating” and “Other Person” ◦ “Adultery” or “Infidelity” or “Deceitful Sexual Partnering” or “Unfaithfulness” or “Intimacy Betrayal” or “Screwing Around” “Hunting for Sex outside Marriage” or “Being grossly disloyal”
It’s not just a Lost Marriage – it’s a Big Part of a Life Destroyed too The cheater gave up and went elsewhere The faithful spouse wasn’t invited to close a chapter but shouldered on until she discovered that her entire married life has been clouded by a dirty sham The faithful partner has invested heavily at a deep personal level, and is now served a foul dish that taints every day she was married Here’s how ...
Who Remembers What Was Pledged?
Who Remembers What Was Lost?
She/He took great pride in being your spouse and your deep honest relationship She would have died for you, and in fact made many sacrifices which appeared to her to be appreciated Her stable home environment was her rock, her children were safe She found friendship, joy and strength in her most significant relationship with you, and had your children No matter how crazy and dismal her day might have been, she could go home to you and her family and feel safe and secure.
Who Remembers What Was Lost?
She shared her apprehensions, fears and humour with you, and put up with a fair degree of discomfort and crap to accommodate you She shared her most intimate expressions and life with you as a special private haven She shared her compliments and suggestions She shared her hopes and future and placed them both together with you Then boom! You knocked it all out of the
toppled down house and broken heart.
◦ She had to wrap her mind around the fact that her husband had been a lying unfaithful cheat and that you had undermined her steady home environment--her solid rock
Now she has that plus ... to clean the marital toilet, and put up with your callous blame-making by which you excuse your betrayal and deceit
The “Cut the bullshit” Guide answers:
What is A Love Affair? Cheating
Childish Distraction #1: really not about the sex Of course, since it’s “really not about the sex”, so we are supposed to believe you’ve kept your hands ** out from under other people’s clothing and off their private body parts - - not even a child will believe this dumb lie ... Sure, I forgot already, it’s really all about the sisterly kisses ... and that makes the kanoodling ** okey-dokey ** This is a euphemism. The real expression is much shorter & more specific about many more body parts.
Time to Face It
We grow when we face reality
Are you ready? I think so.
Time to Face It We grow when we face reality This also applies to cheaters and counsellors recognizing what cheating is, and saying so out loud It’s okay to say it. Go ahead.
◦ Everybody knows now anyway. ◦ We’re going to avoid relying on religious reasons that you can jettison easily, so stop looking for the exit door
Time to Face It
Then we can tell our friends and loved ones that ◦ Cheating is NOT just some neutral choice, ◦ Cheating is a horror that puts everything precious at risk of grave peril
Here goes ... No sugar coating this time
Pop Quiz: What is this? It permanently destroys the parental home for hundreds of thousands of children each year It inflicts torture on faithful friends It turns people into habitual unrepentant liars and manipulators It blows away respect and trust with each painful day, making people give and toil without the reward promised and deserved
Pop Quiz: What is this?
It removes innocents from their safe homes, ◦ destroys their homes, ◦ takes them to places they would never want to be by the worst journey imaginable, ◦ then degrades and mocks them, lies to them, and ◦ makes them continue toiling for others who inflict pain and agony, and places further heavy burdens on them just to survive
Pop Quiz: What is this? The culture loves it and society glorifies its evil practitioners Institutional workers and the law collaborate with the torturer What is it? Slavery? Possibly, but you do not do this for money, you do this to your “loved ones”...
The “Cut the bullshit” Guide answers:
What is Cheating? Back Stabbing
Just state the simple facts, like you are talking to adults ◦ cheating is sneaky repulsive lies to permit
unfaithfulness to vows they once made freely, solemn loving vows they expect their partner to keep and they know are their children’s best protection for the future, but they shit on these vows so they can pursue others and with them engage in sexual activity, and excuse it by callously and painfully manipulating their faithful partner, magnifying their partners faults and shortcomings
◦ Ohhhh, so that’s what a “love affair” is! Sweet.
◦ Read it again
The “Cut the bullshit” Guide answers:
What is Cheating? Back Stabbing
Just state the simple facts, like you are talking to adults ◦ cheating is sneaky repulsive lies to permit
unfaithfulness to vows they once made freely, solemn loving vows they expect their partner to keep and they know are their children’s best protection for the future, but they shit on these vows so they can pursue others and with them engage in sexual activity, and excuse it by callously and painfully manipulating their faithful partner, magnifying their partners faults and shortcomings
◦ Ohhhh, so that’s what a “love affair” is! Sweet.
◦ Read it again
The “Cut the bullshit” Guide answers:
What is Cheating? Back Stabbing If
you disagree about even one word in the previous page, then tell your counsellor which one did not apply to your cheating.
While we are simply stating facts, maybe you could add some rotten behaviours that are not mentioned on the previous page but very often occur in cheating Rats Kanoodling
Ohhhh, so that’s what a “love affair” is!
What’s the difference between A Serial Killer and a Cheater? 
A serial killer does not get to live in your house while he victimizes your family.
What’s the difference between A Rapist and a Cheater? A rapist is direct. The cheater uses fraudulent vows to gain voluntary intimate and sexual contact with his victim, to degrade and to steal personal possessions & good emotions. A cheater uses the children too.
What’s the difference between A Slave Owner and a Cheater? 
A slave owner does not pretend to love and care for you while he is using and torturing you. Nor does he act like he expects your love in return.
Your Own Personal Predator
It is always personal. It is always manipulative. It is always on the “taking side” of a relationship. It is usually nasty and stops at nothing to lash back.
Kinda makes you want to book into the Bates Motel for a quick shower.
All Adultery Is Violence It isn’t called back-stabbing for nothing. Isn’t it rich that society can get all worked up about one slap to a spouse, but gives a free pass to manipulative violence.
Violence = Abusive or unjust exercise of power causing injury Sorry, I forgot he is not responsible for anybody’s feelings so there’s no injury.
That’s Too Harsh! The Cheaters says “I am Compassionate and Caring”
Here is the sad fact about cheaters: they still think they are compassionate and empathetic and even full of love – while their prey bleeds No, they’re not dumb, they’re very smart They’re numb – all they have is very selective caring and compassion – and a big blind spot After months of deceit and blame to justify the betrayal, they don’t have a damn clue about the ongoing pain and harm they are responsible for What’s my proof? When they get the part of this book about the prey’s pain, they will just flip the pages with a casual demeanour just as a slaveowner and his cheerleaders used to fail to consider the pain inflicted on slaves as they said their night-time prayers
That’s Too Harsh! “Society Should Be
Compassionate and Caring”
Isn’t
it better to consider moving on, reconciliation, and encourage the couple to put aside bitterness? Please don’t remind us of the damage! NO. Because this damage is caused by lies. Lying more will not wash away any of it.
That’s Too Harsh! “Society Should Be
Compassionate and Caring” Lying more will not wash away any of it. ◦ Because we can genuinely reconcile only after the damage is recognized, but not before ◦ Because it is totally phoney and heartless to look the other way – see where that got us all so far ◦ Because remorse is short-circuited by not knowing what to be remorseful about ◦ Because the predator starts out clueless, and must recognize what he needs to be forgiven for, by unhooking himself from the habit he has – the callous internal drip of lies, blame, excuses and minimizing
That’s Too Harsh!
I am Compassionate and Caring
Only the lonely Know the heartache That I feel. R. Orbison
Here is the sad fact about cheaters: they still think they are compassionate and empathetic and even full of love – while their prey bleeds No, they’re not dumb, they’re very smart They’re numb – all they have is very selective caring and compassion – and a big blind spot After months of deceit and blame to justify the betrayal, they don’t have a damn clue about the ongoing pain and harm they are responsible for What’s my proof? When they get the part of this book about the prey’s pain, they will just flip the pages with a casual demeanour just as a slaveowner and his cheerleaders used to fail to consider the pain inflicted on slaves as they said their night-time prayers
Why Do They Use These Words?
It’s A Good Fantasy
Good fantasy? What a load! It uses and abuses
people you pledged your love to.
The “fact” that some cheaters see nothing wrong and are “happy” about it speaks
loudly about their broken compassion and nothing objectively about cheating
Read that again. And again.
Why Does Hollywood Use These Words?
It’s A Good Fantasy
Good fantasy? What a load! It uses and abuses
people you pledged your love to.
The “fact” that some cheaters see nothing wrong and are “happy” about it speaks
loudly about their broken compassion and nothing objectively about cheating
Read that again. And again.
It’s Human Nature To Cheat? We’re finally getting down to the premise behind all the excusing and cheer-leading for betrayers It is human nature to become comfortable with inflicting pain on others, even if it trashes your duty of care, your word, and your inner goodness
Slave owners were comfortable with slavery Lynchers were comfortable with killing Date Rapists were comfortable with rape Camp guards were comfortable with mass murder
It is the human condition to justify any form of selective hurt by making selective exceptions (she asked for it, they’re just born into it, they like it, they deserve it, I have my needs, society can’t work without it, it’s the way things are)
It’s Human Nature To Want! Actually, it is human nature to want things that We’re finally getting down to the premise behind we don’t have.
all- the cheer-leading for betrayers moreexcusing friends andand admirers and fans toys and bling, to more recognition It -ismore human nature become comfortable with - more listening to us talk, more sympathy, more heroics inflicting painmore on others, even it trashes your - better looks, expertise, moreifpowerful positions duty of attractive care, your and your inner goodness - more sex word, partners, more prestige - more companions, friends Slave interesting owners were comfortabletrophy with slavery - “variety” and freedom from boredom
Lynchers were comfortable with killing Dategain Rapists were comfortable rape and lying. We could them all and more by with cheating Camp guards were comfortable with mass murder say that stealing rape and kidnapping are okay because it Do It we is the human condition to justify any form of
is human nature?
selective hurt by making selective exceptions (she Maybe “human nature” lot oflike things. asked for it, they’re justalways borndesires into it,atthey it, they deserve it, I have my needs, society can’t So what. Desire justifies work without it, it’snever the way thingsharmful are) acts.
How We Give Cover to the Cheater
Let’s Examine These Classic Gems That Facilitate & Excuse Cruelty “Good people sometimes cheat” “Cheaters can have good character otherwise – this is just their own personal business” “Marriages between cheaters can work” “But we are in Love” “I cannot live a lie”
Alas, A Lots of Us Do Defend the Cheater Our society, after hearing the indisputable definition of cheating, has one knee-jerk reaction: Make excuses that defend the cheater We will see a pattern of our culture giving a free pass to cruelty and deceit as long as it is passed on as adultery, or uhm-er, “love affair”
Listen to the nice excuses made: that there is such a thing as a “good cheater” and by extension it can be applied to remove shame from all cheaters Of course, all this is just YOU collaborating with cruelty and human torment, so look closely
Don’t Good People Sometimes Cheat?
Ah, this is a very good question. In fact we all have lapses of judgement, so maybe there’s not much to this infidelity jazz, so you are guessing. Let’s say... It doesn’t necessarily make you a demon. But that’s only if you take steps not to be one. Too many times good people fall into bad ways. The trouble with cheating is that it sticks to you because of emotional and physical appeal as strong as dope. And just like dope, it damages people around you who were counting on you.You become numb to the damage done and do more. That does create a demon. (unless immediate remorse and proper owning up)
Don’t Good People Sometimes Cheat?
History shows some very admirable people that cheat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Martin Luther King Jack Kennedy Princess Diana ... to name a few.
◦ I see it as tragic that they could have been so much more to their children, to the world, if they kept out of cheating. In a way they have this other life in which they were parodies and jokes ... And their cheating soiled their reputation and cut short the added good they could have done, and made their children and the public cynically suspect the goodness of any role model who wants the world to be better.
Don’t Good People Sometimes Cheat?
Do good people sometime cheat? That’s the real shame of it. They do. And in doing so every one of the wicked selfish damaging consequences are still real and still their doing – even if they are “good people” otherwise. Tragic Fact: Simply look closer at any of these famous good people by leaving your view from 10,000 meters and landing right next to their children and spouse. Look carefully at the others involved and the exact means of cheating, it often shows a betrayal of many people’s trust and a cruel sordid back-alley affair. Read “The Dark Side of Camelot” for example and you will reel at the hypocrisy and selfish vindictiveness.
Do Cheaters Still Have A Good Reputation for Other Things?
You are hoping that a uncaring untrustworthy cheater can become a great contributor in another field requiring trust and care.
Let’s say... It may be possible, just as a gambling addict may be a good public speaker or a lush may be good at holding his book-keeping job. But would you want an active lush to give a vital reputation-clinching speech? or ... an active gambling addict as your grandmother’s trusted accountant?
Do Cheaters Still Have A Good Reputation for Other Things?
There is some cross-over whenever trust is the issue: ◦ For one thing, a well-deserved good reputation is an asset in most important assignments ◦ For another thing, caring for and counselling precious ones (e.g.Your children) is best not left to people already fine with spouting false excuses to themselves and holding family “trust for care” as lightly as a disposable diaper
Do good people sometime cheat? Yes, and it trashes their character and reputation in some big ways. How much more could they have influenced the world for the good if their word was believable. Good people sometimes have lapses that they regret, and do not repeat. Who are you? A genuine regretter or just a lying dog – a gold-plated repeater with silvertongued excuses for doing more?
The Good Cheat’s Collateral Damage
A Reality Check Name a cheat that did not steal time, support, care and attention away from his spouse and children Name a cheat that did not resort to lies, manipulation and wicked blame for cover Name a cheat that did not assemble a cast of cheerleaders for cover, exploiting them as surely as Bill Clinton duped his vocal supporters in the White House Name a cheat that did not put at risk what he swore to protect and care for You get the idea ... The “good cheat” myth is all about pretending that cheating is just a sex act that harms nobody
Are there Examples of “Good Marriages” Between Cheating Partners?
Sure there are some. It’s the exception. Divorce rate is 75% for one thing. Other failures too. Have you taken a close look at them? ◦ Many were more painful than need be. The break could have come before the clothes came off. Then it would not be cheating, just breaking up. If the goal is re-marriage, would you advise “Cheat first – it’s like a gateway drug to break-ups!” If all that break-up pain is going to happen, get it over with before bleeding and tumors start. ◦ The children of these marriages are treated special – the children of past marriages feel discarded (and are) - just ask them. The good marriage does NOT undo any damage done. Read up on handling child issues and crises in mixed-up families. It takes seven years. ◦ Let’s remember what could have been honoured. One’s word. ◦ I know of several good cheater’s marriages that were dishonoured by more cheating. Is that a good marriage?
◦ By the way, who says that an honest attempt at working on the first marriage is a bad idea. Walk away clean if you can’t make it work.
Are There Many Examples of “Good Marriages” Between Cheating Partners?
Let’s take a great reality test. By cheater, do you mean the following? ... Somebody who made a horrendous one-time mistake and was tormented with guilt, understood it was not minor, and wanted not to lie about it or place any blame on his wife Then his wife died in a car accident, and he later married his Adultery Partner. The blended family learned about the (puke) love affair (puke) yet somehow got along famously and felt the love and security of the new commitment. Sure, that story sounds so “realistic and typical” to me too.
Let’s take a break and do another quiz. This one is fill in the blanks:
Once a cheat, always a _______________ (unless you get very lucky and the cheat learns a sincere hard lesson) or if not a ______________ at least a potential time bomb.
“But We Are In Love” or selfish absorption to the detriment of others
We already know what a fine job the cheater did with everlasting love on the last go-around And now we are to be distracted from promises, years spent in relationship, vows made and yes the ongoing deceit of a still lingering love by another And this distraction is based on feelings for an outsider with whom one cheats in a bogus part-time fantasy relationship propped by sponging off the betrayed to feed one’s sex-based delusion of grand dalliance And this somehow is supposed to justify any of the manipulation, lies and harm and pain and cowardly ducking from facing the issues head-on Well, you have no better definition of narcissism But that’s not love except as a hormone-based weak selfish love that downplays any cruelty as collateral damage
“But We Are Really In Love” Put aside the vital question whether our feelings should be the unrestrained guide to our conduct Put aside the vital question as to what you mean is “exclusive love” or some gush of affection Yes, there is no denying that a strong rush of affections and feelings may exist in some cases, but ask this:
◦ Are you both sure of each other’s love? Many cheaters do it for reasons of zero attachment, not love, and are unapologetic about it no matter how often they use the word love ◦ You and you OP are not declaring the love openly. Does that mean that you both desire to speak openly? Is your love is strong enough? ◦ Is love a good motivator for adultery anyway? Isn’t love supposed to bring on good, not to buy a cover so your mind doesn’t ask the real but uncomfortable questions
“But We Are Really In Sex/Love” So let’s look briefly at sex. Sex is not in the groin or the skin, it is endorphins in the brain that bring the reward. If sex is on the menu, your mind is targeted to get more, and strongly attracted, but is that the feeling of love you have? The real deal is this: You were already in love. Should
you have been shopping around? Are you going to continue to be shopping as love succeeds love? Fair enough, but don’t ask others to buy it as a justification for this hurtful shopping trip.
Endorphins are not produced exclusively by cheating – in fact cheating might drastically reduce them
“But I Fell In Love – I Wasn’t Looking For It – It Just Happened”
This is the most tawdry self-excusing lie possible Is “I wasn’t looking to do it” a good excuse for anything else, like stealing? Or torturing? Or false accusations? Or Pick-pocketing? So why is it a good excuse for betrayal and deceit? Doesn't that really mean merely that you gave into your impulses, you lacked any control over yourself Is claiming lack of control just a sweeter way of saying you were indeed acting irresponsibly but want no consequences or blame attached for that?
“But I Fell In Love – I Wasn’t Looking For It – It Just Happened” This is the sickest use of the word love It is clever enough to take all blame away from the predator for his actions It is not clever enough to fool anybody but the cheerleaders – They are too hypnotised to immediately ask:
◦ Why did you make yourself susceptible to another person affecting you that way? What were you thinking of? ◦ If it was love, would it have happened if your spouse and children accompanied you? Or did you seek privacy and secrecy from day one in order to nurse your “love feelings”?
“But I Fell In Love – I Wasn’t Looking For It – It Just Happened”
It is not clever enough to fool anybody but the sleepy heads who don’t immediately ask: ◦ How long did the love last without sex springing to your mind – or crotch? ◦ Maybe your mind was off the marriage and on the other ball, and you were just selfishly seeking out the privacy and adulation and groin fun that you wanted ◦ Maybe you were willingly too open to the idea. And deeds follow ideas when hormones are involved. Didn't you know that? Do you expect me to believe that you were that dumb? Do you think I will buy this lie just because you use sweet words to tell your tale?
“But I Fell In Love – I Wasn’t Looking For It – It Just Happened”
Maybe it didn’t just happen Maybe you decided to fall out of (exclusive) love first – that was your first step Maybe you were open to finding a buddy (with a body of course) long before this happenstance bolt of love Maybe this is not the first one you were open to developing a “close” affection for – but the others didn’t click with you (a married person no less) – so you kept on “creating opportunities” Maybe this was a “buddy hunt” that targeted/obsessed on several others before you found the one that would not mind being a third for the chess game Most likely, this “in love” object is not the first one you were trying to or actually were screwing around with, but was the best bet in a deliberate campaign of “creating opportunities” Do you still insist that it just happened?
“But I Fell In Love – I Wasn’t Looking For It – It Just Happened”
If it is a real justification: ◦ Are you ready to use the same “valid excuse” the next time to dump each hunny for another bunny? – and still feel good about it ◦ Would you make that same excuse for any other cruelty? – such as rape or mugging or war crimes ◦ Are you ready to accept that excuse from others who are cruel to your mother, sister or self?
“It just happened.” ... ◦ Why am I supposed to buy that crap excuse?
“But I Fell In Love – I Wasn’t Looking For It – It Just Happened”
Real Love leads to goodness. ◦ Groin infatuation is not love. Looking for love by betraying love is never a neutral “just happened” event. It is a character revealing event. ◦ It's not love.You are unmasked as a Liar. Tormentor. Cold hearted back stabber. Love betrayer.
Next time, don’t lie to yourself about your actions and you can avoid doing shitty things in the name of love
“But I Fell In Love – I Wasn’t Looking For It – It Just Happened”
Real Love leads to goodness. ◦ Groin infatuation is not love. Looking for love by betraying love is never a neutral “just happened” event. It is a character revealing event. ◦ It's not love.You are unmasked as a Liar. Tormentor. Cold hearted back stabber. Love betrayer.
Next time, don’t lie to yourself about your actions and you can avoid doing shitty things in the name of love Have You Got Cheating On Your Mind? Well, you obviously did.
“But We Can’t Get a Divorce” and I Can’t Live A Lie PART 1
If the couple is separated, and the would-be cheater has moved out and made best efforts for honourable settlement, is it still cheating? ◦ For one thing, if this is backing out of a business arrangement by altering the terms unilaterally, that is not usually honourable in business ◦ But it does remove further sneaking around and lying about being on board (while sinking the ship) ◦ It is less damaging provided that the cheater has made realistic efforts to reconcile and that the outsider was not in play before coming clean about the break ◦ And I know this sounds old-fashioned, but for the record, isn’t breaking promises still looked down on?
“But we Can’t Get a Divorce” and I Have Been Lying PART 2
If the couple is separated, is it still cheating? ◦ Now just gets the kids to sign you a permit slip and I’ll let you back in class (oh, oh ... You forgot about how this impacts them!) ◦ More to the point, how realistic is this “I can’t live a lie”?
The reality is that you are in fact lying - and enjoying it. Fact is, you were slipping into cheating (and cheating) BEFORE you decided on a divorce – you can’t fool me Somehow you pretend to fool society who buy into this “I can’t live a lie” while you are actually a known habitual liar and this excuse is just another of your patent lies This bald excuse is just Hollywood fantasy trumping the sad reality, and this incredible shit is believed by many halfwits
“I Can’t Live A Lie” Translated It’s Really Just A Big Fat Lie used as An Excuse
I have been sleeping around, perhaps a lot I am an addicted cheater and it is not longer convenient to keep all my lies and manipulations straight while fending off the OP’s clutches Rather than give my committed relationship a chance, I intend to continue cheating. Of course I know that will poison any attempt at reconciliation I can’t live a lie. Not that I told her I was married at first, I could live that lie. Not that I don’t lie all the time to my wife. Especially making our wedding day a lie. I can live that lie.
“I Can’t Live A Lie” Translated It’s Really Just A Big Fat Lie used as An Excuse
I am “trading up” to a new model just as I would discard an old shoe But I tell the world that I am really a nice honourable person, I just can’t “Live a Lie” The people who believe this cruel shit can just go suck eggs – He IS intending to live a lie – the one that he made up and you just swallowed! By cheating, I didn’t have to live a lie.
We Live Longer – You Can’t Expect Relationships To Last
Like all convenient and lame excuses, you never hear this touted at weddings as an entree to predicting that you will cheat – nor does it lead to mutual separation, just cheating Nor is it used to urge parents and children to end their marriages because long marriages are stale-dated Would anyone claim that if we all had a marriage of ten years then died ... that cheating would disappear Actually cheating has been with us for millennia, it has always been a test of character ◦ And you’d think with all the 21st century therapists, radio counsellors, expert advice books etc. ... That we’d be better prepared to succeed without whining about the “burden” of a long life
The real laugh – they use this excuse when their marriage is just 2 or 10 or 15 years old – that’s shorter than marriages when formerly brides and grooms married younger Better fact: the statistical average life expectancy was lower primarily because of infant and child deaths – most adults lived in marriages for several decades (except for war, fluke plague or unless a wife died in childbirth)
Bottom Line On All The Excuses Winking and Smirking at Family Cruelty
These sophisticated excuses are eaten up by people who would evade unpleasant facts WE all know that “reasons that sound good” are not the same as good sound reasons But we fall for it! This leads to a society that collaborates with cruelty Nice big excuses ... are a continuation of the lies and manipulations- only this time they have friends, relatives, society and psychologists making excuses with them It’s another damn lame-brained attack on the victim of cruelty – an old story – taken up by otherwise intelligent caring people
Don’t You Get It Yet, Excusers? Fact: The CP lies, manipulates and harms his closest partner Fact:You are not really that close to the CP His motive now: he needs people “on board” to cheerlead his lame excuses – you are an asset Delusion:You take his excuses at face value – do you really think he would shrink from lying and manipulating you too with false excuses Rx: Get a grip before you collaborate with deeper cruelty
Don’t You See It Yet, Excusers?
Fact: The CP is not selecting the OP based on her ability to nurture his existing kids The CP betrays his kids by putting his kids future at risk Fact: The CP is not especially concerned about anybody else’s “unmet needs” Fact: The CP is not at all concerned about (actually he is numb to) the painful devastation he is creating Fact: The CP wants to keep “seeing” his “buddy with a body” for personal indulgent reasons
Delusion:You take his excuses at face value and create some of your own (“maybe he had his reasons...” “it’s none of my business” “I didn’t want to take sides”) You collaborate with cruelty. Shame on us all.
What About Excusable Cheaters?
Yes, if their marriage is long dead
◦ The other spouse cheated without repentance or nursed an
◦ ◦ ◦ ◦
◦
addiction and will not do the work to amend and reconcile with their faithful partner – for at least two years The original cheating spouse is denying, deflecting, and lying still. Their children have grown up The faithful partner now for practical purposes lives in separate quarters and refuses to sleep and have sex with an unrepentant lying manipulator Divorce is financially draining and unnecessary The outside party knows that the long faithful partner is legally married but now effectively separated for years Why excusable? Because the element of betrayal of a bond of home trust and care was long ago undermined and burnt down by the other partner’s unremorseful screwing around and this separation has been cemented by one partner’s stubborn intent to repeatedly callously and continually sabotage forgiveness and with it all hope for a functional normal partnership.
What About Partly Good Cheaters? Yes, if they no longer cheat. If they are remorseful and have made appropriate amends. And admissions. If they apologize for their acts, and for the lies and cruel blame that they used to cover their actions. Yes if they genuinely turn away. They are cut off completely from the OP. If they take on the job of minimizing the damage to the FP, the children, others ... and to themselves. Yes, if they admit their part – addicted to cheating and to lying. If they know that they were hooked on a very strong drug called hurtful tempting affection and are now avoiding anything that triggers them to feed their addiction Yes, if they work hard on gaining some trust of all those they hurt. If they internalize the shame.
What Is Remorse? It is NOT regret about being caught It has a menu that “undoes the damage somewhat”, but the important part is one’s internal motivation to welcome the chance to do that LEARN about the damage and pain – don’t minimize it REGRET – want to minimize the bad consequences REPENT – admit your wrong actions and pledge to turn away BE TRUE AND RESPONSIBLE – drop all attempts to cover it up, pass the blame, or manufacture mitigating circumstances CONFESS to all those you hurt (unless it would hurt them more to know) and offer to answer questions with a spirit of true sharing and a chance to cast off the lies
What Is Remorse?
REHABILITATE – explore your motivation so you can reject it in the future OFFER TO MAKE AMENDS where you can – the amends your partner wants not what you feel is correct BREAK OFF CONTACT with the people and places that foster or cover your hurtful actions – and NO MORE OBSESSING. OFFER TO TRIAL NEWTRUST – this means reporting in and being reachable – offer to prove that your deceit - lying and sneaking is behind you
Where Is Real Remorse Found? All too rare All too incomplete We don’t even confront the cheater with the vast extent of harm done, so even remorseful cheats don’t realize how much they should be remorseful for They are getting off easy, and don’t even realize it, since society cuddles up to adultery