Adultery With Its Pants Down Chapter 2 Naughty or Nice?
What are the Predictable Unavoidable Results?
First, Look at What Hollywood Experts* Teach Us About The Results of Marriage Destruction
What Hollywood Stories Say To weave a nice fantasy, Hollywood
must use a plot that twists reality:
◦ Hollywood Cheaters have only one cheating relationship – it was unplanned hence very special and deep ◦ It is with a gentle friend who has a golden heart, and money of course ◦ The only reason anybody could object is because they’re Victorian prudes or insanely jealous for no reason – or religious fanatics
What Hollywood Stories Say It’s so harmless and honorable:
◦ The cheater never really loses his/her goodness and charm but may shed a tear for the unfortunate predicament he/she has been placed in innocently ◦ They never visit the doctor to take regular tests for disease because their “lover” is unquestionably “loyal” Children are conveniently way in the background ◦ Nobody gets hurt or has a painful time unless they are over-sensitive assholes and ask for it – Adultery has a “code of honour”
What Hollywood Stories Say It’s so harmless and honorable:
◦ The cheater never really loses his/her goodness and charm but may shed a tear for the unfortunate predicament he/she has been placed in innocently ◦ They never visit the doctor to take regular tests for disease because their “lover” is unquestionably “loyal” Children are conveniently way in the background ◦ Nobody gets hurt or has a painful time unless they are over-sensitive assholes and ask for it – Adultery has a “code of honour”
What Hollywood Stories Say To spin a fantasy, Hollywood must use
a daydream set and cardboard people.
◦ The cheater does not become a habitual manipulative liar ◦ The Other Person is a lover who would never use sex except to express true love, and always offers pleasant dalliances with no hint of extortion for sex or money or casually fleeing boredom as a price ◦ The cheating couple express themselves as kind selfless emotional types who grow as people and look reality in the face
What Hollywood Stories Say To spin a fantasy, Hollywood must use
a daydream set and cardboard people.
◦ The cheater does not become a habitual manipulative liar ◦ The Other Person is a lover who would never use sex except to express true love, and always offers pleasant dalliances with no hint of extortion for sex or money or casually fleeing boredom as a price ◦ The cheating couple express themselves as kind selfless emotional types who grow as people and look reality in the face
While We Are Discussing Hollywood’s Smug Ridiculous Make-Believe Advice So much for magic glow-in-the-dark people. Movies
and Romance Rags also tell us
◦ All whores have warm golden hearts ◦ Frosty the snowman is a jolly happy guy ◦ Good musicians make lots of money ◦ Treasure can be found anywhere ◦ Contented landladies are happy to see us ◦ Beauty is a hallmark of good character ◦ One day in the spa and your looks are remade ◦ Herpes has already been cured ◦ Condoms never fail ◦ AIDs tests prove you are “good to go” ◦ You never have to say you’re sorry ◦ The check is in your mouth, er, the mail
What It Really Looks Like
And Don’t Forget To Look Inside Yourself Too
The lies, the lies, the lies Create:
◦ The mean nasty fights ◦ Your stupid lame excuses ◦ The cruel incessant blame game ◦ The bizarre claim that it is just a little mistake ◦ The bullshit explanations You own mind is messed with*: You pompously
demand forgiveness all the while claiming that nothing happened or it is just a little tiny mistake blown out of proportion by a devastated jealous oversensitive partner who caused it all while you are virtually blameless for your own hurtful choices
* The better word starts with F.
A Scar and A Tumor
The Great Wall of Meanness Think about it. To continue an “affair”, every cheat
must routinely tell lies to a trusting family, evade questions, manufacture false cover stories, deflect blame and tell himself that he is fully justified Over a period of weeks and months, any such activity becomes a habit of course – and habits let the mind sleepwalk through accustomed behavior – without thinking about it any more The synapses in the brain, once attuned to reacting with caring and respect, now morph him into a total stranger that reacts with callous nonthinking and a knee jerk mean response of lying and ignoring outside pain – just as it relaxes into a pattern of pleasure association with the cheating
What Hollywood Won’t Say Counterfeit Relationships To deal with real life, we must use words that describe
It’s A Doll House Life! * Looks like real people playing house, at least in the bedroom.
reality: ◦ Cheaters trade genuine real life relationships for bogus counterfeit relationships (ego-feeding + stolen moments of secretive shame with known betrayer = wonderful partnership?) ◦ they do NOT have “lovers” – they have Cheatenabling outside partners - Betrayal Buddies ◦ they are NOT “lovers” – they slammed the door on love
* Sing to the tune of “It’s a Hard Knock Life” from the musical Annie
What Hollywood Won’t Say Counterfeit Relationships It’s A Doll House Life! Looks like real people playing house, at least in the fantasy house.
◦ It’s all crap – their “better partner” is an entertaining creep - with no vow of love, no mutual ties, no clean break to make oneself available for a real relationship, nor cares about damage ◦ “Mutually self-absorbed much to others’ detriment” is not love, if it makes you a hard manipulative liar ◦ Right, as if jumping beds and sharing bodies each day with other cheaters is a pleasant feature that cheaters dream of as their own ideal love life
What Hollywood Won’t Say I’m Dreaming of a Counterfeit Relationship ◦ How many of these “happy cheaters” spent their lives dreaming about this relationship? A life of deceit and harm A betrayal buddy who is uncommitted to you A “lover” you do not commit to A part-time relationship that avoids any real exclusive ties, or a real life together Lying and sneaking off with betrayal buddy Breaking the heart of the one who loves you Wrecking the children’s family home If that’s what you wanted, why did you get married?
What Hollywood Won’t Say Cheaters will get used like trash To deal with real life, we must use
words that describe reality
◦ Cheaters throw away genuine personal appreciation, and Cheaters will get used like trash instead ◦ Sooner or later, they buy their cheap craved flattery and ego boosts with unpleasant sexual servicing and catering to the passing lusts of the moment ◦ Sooner or later, they tell themselves that demeaning play-acting with masquerade love is the best they can get
What Hollywood Won’t Say Cheaters will get used like trash To deal with real life, we must use words that describe reality
◦ Sooner or later they run into situations where they are habituated or being emotionally blackmailed into giving extra time and sexual Settle for favours again to avoid risk getting exposed what you can get. ◦ To many it takes on hallmarks of addiction: unable to stop, secret life, different crowd of friends, Be used for slippery slope of feeling bad about it and needing what they the next hit to feel good, disdain and pain for can get. people who get between them and their continuing Let go of all addiction – and getting to like it “excess” It’s A Skid Row Life!
esteem.
Warning Sometimes being used like trash has a very high toll
This could be you, or your next partner, if you take the easy ride all the way downhill. Think not? Well ask yourself, did she get to where she is by being caring and cared for by committed people? Maybe it’s not you or your next lay. Sure. Riii-ght, then. Maybe it’s just your daughter from your destroyed marriage and broken home.
What Hollywood Won’t Say Cheaters take on the leftovers and brothel stakes
The fantasy is over
◦ Cheaters take on the leftovers and It’s A Wide, Wide World! brothel stakes - throwing away genuine
venues for satisfaction - getting only lesser venues they would never choose of accept – and their low standards don’t get any better Like competing ◦ A chain of uncommitted partners (and a for attention, broader cheater's web of lesser strangers) passing on boosts the size of affected and infected disease or lowering the second and third hand bed mates and grope bar on mates intimacy. Lots of things to do.
What Hollywood Won’t Say Cheaters take on the leftovers and brothel stakes
The fantasy never was real
◦ By cheating, they forfeit the claim to It’s A Wide, Wide World! enjoy dedicated exclusive intimacy with anyone Lots of things to do. ◦ - they are always shocked later at their Like poor hygiene and gutter taste – they competing for attention, too would mock their partner if she passing on deceitfully slept around and carried on disease or introducing a broad population of sex lowering the bar on “in-laws” into their intimate moments intimacy.
Some People Swallow That Trash Talk About How Cheating is Fulfilling and Loving Let’s summarize how this really works
◦ Cheaters are in counterfeit relationships ◦ Cheaters will get used like trash ◦ Cheaters take on the leftovers and brothel stakes ◦ I guess that could be fulfilling and loving... to a deluded addict or an emotional masochist ◦ It’s high time that any Hollywood “code of honour” about cheating gets a major revision Are we ready for Real Words for this now?
Is It Real Love? Or Bogus Limited Use with A Short Expiry Date and a Character-poisoning?-
If It’s Real Love, Can We All See the Adulto-Wedding Album? Nope. It was just a Horney-moon sort of. You don’t actually get to invite family, friends or photographers.
You just hope they don’t unexpectedly appear.
That’s all I deserve and all I can expect I guess.
Plain Words – Sugar free Faithful Partner (FP) Cheating Partner (CP) Other Person (OP), Betrayal Buddy Cheating, Betrayal This photo does not show a love affair. It shows a betrayal by cheating with an OP and lying about it until busted.
Plain Words – With Icing On The Cake Cheating Cheating Partner (CP) Other Person (OP) Faithful Partner (FP) When sugary creepy words like “lover” or “love affair” are used, just think of it as hearing somebody puke before and after, to put verbal “quotes” around these words
Plain Facts on All Adultery
..
Adultery always means
◦ Damage and pain and grief into everybody’s life ◦ Risk swapping new mom/dad for the kids, with the new “parent” less caring and more dangerous to the kids ◦ Stealing family time and resources just to get furtive flattery & kanoodling ** - adults sneaking around ◦ No dedicated partner - everybody, even the CP casts away any hope for an exclusive mutual personal partnership ◦ Crude body use - careless hygiene will bring repugnant muck sharing into the life and diseases of all kinds JUST LIKE rapidly messing around ** when one was single led to slimy seconds, odd smelly clothing, and unsolicited rashes and other “boosts” to self-esteem ** This is a euphemism. The real term is much harsher.
Stop Travelling On The Bullroar Train Use Real Words Creepy Pro-Adultery Words
Honest Direct Words
Love Affair, “Seeing” somebody
Cheating episode, Screwing around
Deceitful Lying Betrayal, Destroying what is precious and does not belong to you
Lover
Other Person (OP) Betrayal Buddy, Outsider
Creep, Artificial Ego Booster, Home wrecker, User
Lover (me), Straying Mate
Cheating Partner (CP) Love betrayer
Betrayer, Predator, Destroyer, Rat, Scum Trust wrecker
Old Partner
Faithful Partner (FP), Pledged Partner, Wronged Partner, Hurt Partner
The one who you count on acting as if nothing was going on, still your lover
Stop Travelling On The Bullroar Train Use Real Words Creepy Pro-Adultery Words
Honest Direct Words
Love
Family wrecking love killer
High School delusion for adults, Concealed sexually active emotional ego trip
Love Nest
Place for cheating
Hide-out for drug use where escape, sex and a mental blow job is the drug of choice
Jealous
Watchful, Upset over pain of deep betrayal
Word used to torment and tar the faithful partner
Love Triangle
Sleep creeping and bed hopping
Cheater trapped in horrid nightmare reality
Harmless affection
Callous abuse of others love and trust; “Denial of care” binge
Selfish pleasure and ego boosted regardless of pain inflicted
Stop Travelling On The Bullroar Train Use Real Words Creepy Pro-Adultery Words
Honest Direct Words
Love Letter, Call
Cheat Letter, Cheat Call
Evidence
Soul Mate
Person spent time with during cheating, Betrayal buddy
Slime mate Adulterous Cell mate
Rendezvous
Cheater’s date for betrayal
Sneaking out for sleazing out; underhanded back alley get-together
It ... Just happened
Went for it, hoping for sex and got lucky
Arranged for it to happen and now want to deflect responsibility
Affair Makes me better
Screwing around turns me If Mister Hyde is better into a uncaring lying than Dr Jekyll, that’s manipulator better too
The Excuses Just Won’t Stop!
NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE:
MORE EXCUSES
What If? It Really Is That Ideal Relationship I Always Dreamed Of.. Ideal? Let’s think this through: 1. Is that desperation talking? (my last chance at real love) IF SO, you are in no position to say this is ideal – you are thinking with your fears and inadequacies
2. Is that passion or craving for variety talking? (my best sex, my sweetest moments) IF SO, you are in no position to say this is ideal – you are thinking with your genitals and ego
3.
Is that inexperience talking? - because you do not know what this ideal person is in a real give-and-take relationship (we really mean so much to each other and get along perfectly) IF SO, you are in no position to claim this as ideal, - you have a counterfeit back alley junior high romance without the trappings of commitment nor even mundane chores
What If? It Really Is That Ideal Relationship I Always Dreamed Of.. Ideal compared with what? – with a relationship
that you have stopped trying to make better
◦ So I guess a better relationship was not even on the radar if you can’t make an effort ◦ So I guess “ideal dream” actually adds up to bullshit justifying massive damage and pain into the life of all It may be or seem in some ways at least good –
but perhaps hard to tell how hot-house love would work in the real world of rain and storms If it’s so dandy, why don’t we see you two rushing to the altar for a lifetime dream relationship? ROFL!
Wait – There’s More! Cheaters Can Still Feel Good About Cheating Because the Cheater is not the only one who needs to change – and here the counsellor will back it up and prove the cheater’s point!
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too “It’s 50-50: The FP needs to make changes too, it’s not just about CP changing”. ◦ This concept is deep, and takes a few minutes to get one’s head around why this is “true”, but at the same time framed as a psycho-babble mine-field of falsehood and harm. “She sure has lots of big changes to make if I’m ever going to stop shtooping the household help.”
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too “It’s 50-50: The FP needs to make changes too, it’s not just about CP changing”. ◦ This concept is deep, and takes a few minutes to get one’s head around why this is “true”, but at the same time framed as a psycho-babble mine-field of falsehood and harm.
Examine the 50-50 Claim Closely Since the FP needs to change, does that
prove the cheater is owed something? Was it already 50-50 just before the cheating, or now? Is it true that the FP needs to change? Why does the CP smile to hear that the FP is equally in need of change? What changes does the FP have to make? Is the purpose of this change to “meet the CP’s needs”?
The 50-50 Game Board
Before Cheating
After Cheating
CP needs to change
50
1050
FP needs to change
50
50
Fairness Test: Is It Still 50-50 after the CP has added torment and manipulative lying to his chronic habits?
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too Has the cheater been short-changed?
◦ The fact that the cheater found a convenient emotionally immature partner for a low life fantasy does NOT automatically validate the CP’s belief that the FP has short-changed him/her and needs to change substantively the FP’s main change may to be wary of the CP’s priority and CP’s distorted perception of emotional whims
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too “It’s 50-50: The FP needs to make changes too”.
◦ True of course, ... (and I know this sounds a bit old fashioned) ... But isn’t this really deflection to avoid responsibility? ◦ Sure, before the cheating, both had changes to make, maybe 50-50, and we should examine that past situation and both must make changes so identified, even the CP
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too That was before the cheating. What about
now? Is it still 50-50? ◦ And are the changes FP must make limited to “meeting the cheater’s needs”?
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too Let’s say that the need for change was 50-50 before
the cheating. Hasn’t the CP sure added a shitload of harm since then by cheating – is it still 50-50? Consider these apples: The cheating acts taken and the breach of others’ special trust The lies and deceit to cover up The mocking, blaming abusive fault-finding to justify The big-time crazy-making wiggling out of admitting the truth Taking FP for a ride, even wasting FP’s best honest efforts at reconciliation by lying to counsellors while letting FP go through the anguish
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too Why does the CP smile at this 50-50 talk?
◦ The problem with this talk, is that the CP latches onto this only to prove that the FP’s flaws and faults are the main cause of the relationship mess he is playing the excuse card and the blame card and the “I am justified” card again
◦ The counsellor is selling the same words primarily to reach perspective and enable each partner to invest in each other’s emotional needs. It doesn’t work that way. Stated too soon, the CP sees it only as a justification for using excuses and blame, and the FP knows this and feels manipulated by the counsellor
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too So why else does the CP really smile at this 50-
50 talk? ◦ It’s a much needed deflection! And it manipulates the counsellor. ◦ The spotlight on “the FP needs to change” steals the real agenda! As vintage psycho-babble it implies that the faithful partner has an obligation to take responsibility equal to that of the cheater ... For the cheater’s decisions and actions.
Why does the counsellor smile at this 50-50 talk? ◦ He thinks it will make a negative CP and FP participate in a positive shared solution
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too What is everybody forgetting?
◦ Move On? That sounds great but... Before remorse, “Move On” is just a blanket excuse for CP and counsellor to drop handling all of the FP’s issues, and get to quick end Counsellors love to jump at and repeat this one-sided drivel. They never urge “Move On” to insist cheating partners to start putting their lies, blame, excuses and equivocation behind.
It is only used as an way to stop the FP from having issues put on the agenda & together deal with them.
Sugary Psycho-babble # 4
I’m Not The Only One – You Too What is the counsellor forgetting?
◦ The notion of a 50-50 split has a very high price – it enables the hasty door-slammer called “move on” ◦ It sells a no-fault ticket called “admitting equal fault” ◦ That’s just way too convenient and one-sided – pointing the finger at the faithful partner... and away from the cheater and his/her pain-making – with no assessment of
the real damage inflicted
The Counsellor’s Twisted World
If a surgeon told a patient to “move on and
die” because the surgery was ineffective, wouldn’t the surgeon be berated for handling his failure that way Only in the psycho-babble profession and universe can a care-giver tell the victim of ineffective treatment to “move on” Any treatment should address the issues raised by destructive predator behaviour, traumatised prey, galling pervasive lying, broken personalities – and “move on” just doesn’t cut it
The Counsellor’s Twisted World “Move on” is a goal after issues are dealt with,
not a ticket to skip the real parts and difficult issues – and skip over healing for the impact of twisted and half-baked FALSE ACCUSATIONS that crush a normal person as he believes society’s approved crappy lies about adultery (“need to find the cause”) Nobody needs to pay professional fees just to be told to “move on” whenever it suits the clownsellor – we might as well put a sign that says “Just Move On” in front of every funeral parlor, rape crisis center, criminal courtroom, burn center and kid’s hospital too while we’re rushing things
Proof That Advice is Insincere Have you ever seen an individual treatment plan
drawn up that lists what has to be dealt with before “moving on”? – it’s a useful tool for a case of marital injury Have you ever seen a plan drawn up that lists what the cheater has to deal with before he can reveal his “reasons” (excuses and blame) to pin on his prey? Of course not. That would be too sincere about dealing with issues rationally Instead – they take the easy route that picks sides, shifts accountability and feigns progress – “get that malleable FP to move the F on” and “learn about the ‘reason’ for cheating”
What It Really Looks Like
Proof That Advice is Insincere Come to think of it, have you ever even
heard it called marital injury?.
Nope. This is just a “love affair”. So move on already.
Should FP Change?
The Solution “The FP needs to make changes too, it’s not just about
CP changing”. Is it true? Partly True ◦ Yes, the FP does have to recognize the need to change ◦ Yes, the FP cannot cause any other person to change Is it fair?
◦ Only after CP comes clean is it helpful and fair ◦ Only well after the CP-caused damage is acknowledged will it lead to a fair workable solution. ◦ If you talk about both sides changing before then, you just help CP duck responsibility for the cheating
Now Get That FP to Change! But ask first
◦ In what way are the FP changes needed to “meet the cheater’s unmet needs”? ◦ What other key changes must FP make? ◦ How fast can we push the FP to change?
There’s Lots Of Valid Reasons Why The FP Did Not Meet CP’s “Needs”? First of all, have you considered that the FP had to put up with
a lot of the CP’s crap, and that’s maybe why the CP “didn’t have all his needs met” originally it’s hard for the FP to make love to a sleepy drunk who spends nights selling Amway and watching porn; it’s hard to pay full attention to a griping gossipy blamemaking hypochondriac who unloads responsibility, nurses excuses and passes over undone chores It’s hard to coddle to the needs of one who gets one’s personal view of life from Romance Novels and shopaholic friends, obsesses over imagined difficulties, and creates family chaos and mess
FP Does Need to Make Changes Too VERY IMPORTANT - While we are discussing it, many
of the changes the FP must make are needed ... NOT changes to fulfill the CP’s entitlement to “having his/her needs met”, but just because of all the inflicted harm 1. Change in a trite way - unfortunately the FP must become less trusting and more alert and sneaky – without signing a pact with paranoia 2. Change in more profound sense, the FP has to take steps to enable and perform a total healing inside – emotionally, socially, intellectually, physically, sexually, financially, and as a parent ... and purely in terms of renewed self worth, dreams and nightmares
FP Does Need to Make Changes Too VERY IMPORTANT – Many of the changes the
FP must make are needed just because of all the CP-inflicted harm ◦ The long term hopes and goals have evaporated that is a shitload of resetting & change to deal with and still come out balanced on all other scores ◦ So let’s not put total priority yet to fulfilling the CP’s needs as the big fat relationship fixer until the cheater accepts that he has pushed his own cheese away by placing all this crap on top of what the FP had to deal with before
FP Does Need to Make Changes Too VERY IMPORTANT – Many of the changes the FP
must make are needed just because of all the CPinflicted harm ◦ The cheater has also pushed his own cheese away by bringing in a substantial mess that now needs to be cleaned up ◦ The cheater can get this change only through deep patience and understanding that is found only in a contrite heart. ◦ The FP’s change has been made harder emotionally and harder practically with time and energy devoted to the shitload that the CP placed on the table. That's why adultery is a messy explosion with the FP immobilized at ground zero.
Counsellors Usually Duck These Do the counsellors ever bluntly say these
obvious truths?
◦ The faithful partner needs to make changes. Mostly to handle the scars and trauma caused by your hurting and blaming. ◦ These are NOT changes just to be better at feeding the cheater’s ego. Or “needs”. ◦ The cheater has to make those overdue changes to himself that were needed when this started ◦ the CP lacked simple compassion and was obviously not considering his partner’s needs at all – get off that hypocritical “MY NEEDS” ego trip
Counsellors Usually Duck These Do the counsellors ever bluntly say these
obvious truths?
◦ The cheater has turned himself into a rat – just look at the rotten decision he is now ducking. That calls for the CP to make additional changes to rediscover his own faithful heart and what it means to accept give-and-take and being responsible. Get to work. ◦ This is a needless major explosion. Lets not be too hasty on beating up the victim with a list of how your needs weren’t fulfilled. Maybe what you see now as needs are just another way of justifying your hurtful behaviour.You haven't completed “excuse prevention therapy” yet.
Yes the FP Needs To Change Too Yes all that important real stuff needed to be said
first – to give it context, not just a misleading verbal frame
Otherwise the context was really “blame the FP”
One first change to consider is whether to dump
an unrepentant rat CP
If You Don’t Buy into 50-50 Change,
How About Swallowing Some Nice Sounding Advice Anyway?
“Listen to the Cheater’s Reasons For What He Did ...
This your chance to learn about yourself...”
“Listen to the Cheater’s Reasons For What He Did ...
This your chance to learn about yourself...”
Hold on a minute. I think the counsellor is going native again. Are you telling the faithful partner to believe the liar’s set of pat excuses and blame and deflection? Isn’t that just the grifter perp misleading the victim again? What a crock. Make personal and permanent changes? Based on the “valuable” opinion of this “expert assessor of people”?
“Listen to the Cheater’s Reasons For What He Did ...
This your chance to learn about yourself...” Sorry, bring in damage control. “It’s your best chance to learn about you” is just another counselling feel-good advice, that may do more harm than good.
Your tormentor is not some buddy giving you great insight and truthful advice on how YOU should change to avoid successive torment sessions.
“Hey Cheater, Listen to the Faithful Partner’s Pain and Loss For What You Did ...
This is really the cheater’s chance to learn about himself...” • This lesson is a key part of the real agenda for recovery and healing. • Does the counsellor suggest this? No. No. No. • Why not? Why is it not as popular a mantra with counsellors as the “learn another excuse” card presented to the faithful partner? • How come? If genuine remorse is the desired outcome...
Maybe It’s the Cheater That Really Needs To Learn Something About Himself 1. Cycle of Causing Harm and Ignoring Pain 2. Cycle of Blame Addiction and Synthetic Anger 3. How To Take the Difficult Tunnel Out Learn this New Habit Take responsibility without excuses instead of blaming the faults of his faithful partner for his own lack of eyeball control.