Auto Known Better mythological march

By Rim Vining

Time Marches on so here we are again… spring has sprung!

I've been doing this column long enough to have covered a lot of topics this time of year from the Ides of March to the Banshee and Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Pots of Gold and "Always after Me Lucky Charms" have made it into print along with the spring colors of cars in Columbus Gray and Rangoon Red, the sounds of Harley-Davidsons in the distance and the first sightings of British sports cars on warm spring afternoons. It's an awakening.

So the thought of the Banshee took me to thoughts of mythical beasts and right into how many automobiles have aspired to possess amazing powers through badging and branding. It is a staggering number and especially intriguing if you actually know the story behind the badge.

Let's start simple with the mighty Kaiser Golden Dragon of 1953. (above) Huge and heavy with the smallest engine offered that year. The Supersonic Six was not super in any way, shape or form but they thought the whole thing through right down to a poplin fabric top meant to feel like dragon skin. In metallic green it is a sight to behold. The fact that Kaiser was the man who built all the Liberty Ships in WWII, which were pretty much steel boxes, might explain the styling cues.

It is through mythology where automobile branding really takes off. Since the days of horse drawn buggies and all through the age of the automobile there have been many versions of the phaeton which is essentially any open four wheeled conveyance without weather protection. Looking a little deeper we find that Phaeton was the son of Cylmene and Helios the God of the Sun. Helios carried the sun across the sky each day in a golden chariot. And wouldn't you know it one day Phaeton decided he would take the sun across the sky and yeah, he screwed it up.

So Zeus, the all-powerful, shot him out of the sky.

While we don't know the full story it could have been that Phaeton (now badged as a modern VW with roll-up windows) wasn't alone when he messed up. He might have actually been joy riding with Eos (another VW and a convertible!) Her heavenly job was to let in the sun every day. Now it seems Eos was also cursed with insatiable sexual desire so distracted driving might have been the issue.

Here was young Phaeton looking good, cruising the heavens in his Dad's open chariot with cute little Eos and she's got her top down to let the sun in and the next thing you know BAM! Zeus knocks him right out of the sky. Now he's going to have to tell Helios how his chariot got smashed up and he'll probably be grounded for a month and Eos is going be on her own.

Then again, he might have hooked up with Electra who had her share of problems as well. (That's a curvy, sexyfinned Buick from the 50's if you wanted to know) She was so distraught over the murder of her father Agamemnon by her mother and step-father that her mind was a jumble of crazed emotions. Freud built a career working that one out. So if the poor boy had tried to deal with her and drive the sun across the sky, it had to be the perfect mythological storm like trying to text, change Pandora and order from Grub-Hub while merging into the Hampton Tunnel.

So before you buy your next car… do a little research.

~autoknownbetter @ gmail.com

Rim Vining, humorist, friend and a devoted community volunteer