RIMSON The Florida Tech
@FTCrimson @FTCrimson crimson@fit.edu
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T h e O f f i c i a l S t u d e n t A p r i l F oo l s E d i t i o n
Issue 6 ½
Spring
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
Budget redistributed for paint jobs Leslie Eleanor and emily walker \\ A n g ry D i c tat o r and the Pixie
Florida Tech has decided to move around their budget in order to focus on essential changes imperative for the success of the school, starting with repainting the buildings. “A f ter much deliberation, we’ve allocated funds to campus beautification,” the president of Florida Tech announced last Wednesday. The president said that various departments have cooperated in this endeavor, accepting a minor budget cut and encouraging alumni donations. “At first I was uneasy,” said Thad Patterrssohnn, a professor in the school of arts and communication, “but now that it’s done, I’m pretty excited. I mean, Crawford looks like a fricking race car!” Patterrssohnn said even though the new paint job makes him feel like a NASCAR driver, some of his students were concerned about the use of funds on paint. “Some students thought it was a waste,” Patterrssohnn said. “But you have to look at the bright side. Athletic teams have been cut, the athletic banquet has been cancelled and parking becomes scarcer by the day, but at least the buildings have a fresh coat of paint.” Stu Pedd, a senior in mechanical engineering, said he was skeptical when he saw the paint. “I thought it was a waste,” Pedd said. “But now I realize how important it is.” Pedd said he used to procrastinate his work by going to tennis matches. “Now that they put all their money into painting, I’ll actually have time to get all my work done,” Pedd said. “It’s going to help me a lot.” Asher Tide, an alumni and former Florida Tech women’s tennis player, said she’s not letting any “sugar coating” keep her from being disgruntled. “People are still upset. They may not be outspoken about it
cat Florida Man Disrupts Casino Night Resident leaves post
Students left traumitized after pizza stolen Jessica Villaverde \\ Fact Che ck ana lyst A Florida Tech man armed with a broken mop barged into Residence Life’s Casino Night on Friday in search of cheese pizza. Brendon Shupp, a computer science junior, went wild inside the SUB while trying to find pizza for his dinner. At the time, Casino Night was happening on the second floor of the building and, seeing the cafe was closed, the student went there to try to find pizza. “I asked the people at the front check-in table if they had pizza, but they were busy with other attendees,” Shupp said. Students at the event wore formal attire and played a variety of card games, such as Blackjack and Craps, which but I know they’re upset,” Tide said. “A not-so-shiny paint job isn’t going to distract us from their transgressions.” Tide said that former athletics alumni are working together to help students stage a coup in order to fight for their teams to be reinstated. The Crimson is currently investigating these claims. While there are continued talks about the budget redistribution, students and professors are encouraged to submit their ideas. “I hear they have an open door policy,” Patterrssohnn said. “I haven’t tried it, but it works something like they leave the door open and you can just walk in. I don’t know how that contributes to them listening, but people seemed to be happier when that was announced.” The next budget redistribution meeting is scheduled to be held April 31.
Sonja Michaels \\ In v e s t igat o r
Brendon Shupp, the Florida Man, chasing students to the Rathskeller. Shupp said was confusing. At the entrance, there was a table of fruit and appetizers for everyone to eat, but no entrees were available. “This is the type of food
Photo // Innocent Bystander
we usually serve every year at Casino Night,” a resident director at the check-in table said. “Other foods would be a mess
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Florida Tech campus cat “Sergeant” Socks has left his temporary post as Director of Security. Socks’ plans for increased security measures included knocking objects off of all surfaces at Florida Tech to ensure that nothing could ever fall on a student. He made limited progress on his mission. Socks refused a salary during his short tenure, a move students called “noble.” He requested his only compensation to be unlimited milk
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Skate Fast Eat Gas gang targeting car owners Kevin Voodoosingh A u t o A m e at u r e
\\
An electric skateboard gang has recently been terrorizing the student body. Secur it y repor ts have said that the gang is robbing and stealing students of their skateboards, bicycles and longboards. These crimes are done with the intent to remove the campus of all inferior modes of transportation. Their new at tack has involved stealing all the mir-
rors off of cars. A victim who preferred to remain anonymous said that she was heading to Panther Dining Hall when three individuals wearing body protection with LED lights stopped her. They broke her car’s mirrors and said, “It’s all electric now. You and your petrol-powered friends need to learn who’s the boss.” This has not been the only incident involving the “Skate Fast Eat Gas” gang, as they
have spray painted on their victims' cars. Other individuals have found album posters from 80’s bands such as Duran Duran, U2, Pet Shop Boys and The Cars taped to their cars’ windshields. The new director of Security made “Skate Fast Eat Gas” his first priority in his tenure. He assumes his position on April 1. In a general meeting dis-
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Professors suspected in Crawford's hamster infestation
EMily Walker \\ The Pixie
Crawford's new paint job distracts from the elevator catastrophe inside. Photo // Florida Tech Facebook
as Director of Security
Recently, students, staff and faculty have noticed an infestation of hamsters in Crawford, cause of which is still under investigation. While facilities claimed the hamsters were likely coming from the atomic toilet, some students have the suspicion their professors are smuggling
them into class. “My professor proudly shows off his hamster,” one student said. The student added that her professor keeps his hamster in his pocket and feeds it nuts throughout class. Another student said the hamsters may be there for emotional support. “Before, my professor
seemed so lonely,” she said. “Hav ing a hamster really seems to help him. Whenever we’re doing work and he’s at his desk, his hamster is there for him to pet.” While many find the furry creatures adorable, some students said they’ve become a distraction.
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Decree from Thanos on the back page! Happy April Fool's Day!