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T h e O f f i c i a l S t u d e n t A p r i l F oo l s E d i t i o n
Issue 6 ½
Spring
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
Budget redistributed for paint jobs Leslie Eleanor and emily walker \\ A n g ry D i c tat o r and the Pixie
Florida Tech has decided to move around their budget in order to focus on essential changes imperative for the success of the school, starting with repainting the buildings. “A f ter much deliberation, we’ve allocated funds to campus beautification,” the president of Florida Tech announced last Wednesday. The president said that various departments have cooperated in this endeavor, accepting a minor budget cut and encouraging alumni donations. “At first I was uneasy,” said Thad Patterrssohnn, a professor in the school of arts and communication, “but now that it’s done, I’m pretty excited. I mean, Crawford looks like a fricking race car!” Patterrssohnn said even though the new paint job makes him feel like a NASCAR driver, some of his students were concerned about the use of funds on paint. “Some students thought it was a waste,” Patterrssohnn said. “But you have to look at the bright side. Athletic teams have been cut, the athletic banquet has been cancelled and parking becomes scarcer by the day, but at least the buildings have a fresh coat of paint.” Stu Pedd, a senior in mechanical engineering, said he was skeptical when he saw the paint. “I thought it was a waste,” Pedd said. “But now I realize how important it is.” Pedd said he used to procrastinate his work by going to tennis matches. “Now that they put all their money into painting, I’ll actually have time to get all my work done,” Pedd said. “It’s going to help me a lot.” Asher Tide, an alumni and former Florida Tech women’s tennis player, said she’s not letting any “sugar coating” keep her from being disgruntled. “People are still upset. They may not be outspoken about it
cat Florida Man Disrupts Casino Night Resident leaves post
Students left traumitized after pizza stolen Jessica Villaverde \\ Fact Che ck ana lyst A Florida Tech man armed with a broken mop barged into Residence Life’s Casino Night on Friday in search of cheese pizza. Brendon Shupp, a computer science junior, went wild inside the SUB while trying to find pizza for his dinner. At the time, Casino Night was happening on the second floor of the building and, seeing the cafe was closed, the student went there to try to find pizza. “I asked the people at the front check-in table if they had pizza, but they were busy with other attendees,” Shupp said. Students at the event wore formal attire and played a variety of card games, such as Blackjack and Craps, which but I know they’re upset,” Tide said. “A not-so-shiny paint job isn’t going to distract us from their transgressions.” Tide said that former athletics alumni are working together to help students stage a coup in order to fight for their teams to be reinstated. The Crimson is currently investigating these claims. While there are continued talks about the budget redistribution, students and professors are encouraged to submit their ideas. “I hear they have an open door policy,” Patterrssohnn said. “I haven’t tried it, but it works something like they leave the door open and you can just walk in. I don’t know how that contributes to them listening, but people seemed to be happier when that was announced.” The next budget redistribution meeting is scheduled to be held April 31.
Sonja Michaels \\ In v e s t igat o r
Brendon Shupp, the Florida Man, chasing students to the Rathskeller. Shupp said was confusing. At the entrance, there was a table of fruit and appetizers for everyone to eat, but no entrees were available. “This is the type of food
Photo // Innocent Bystander
we usually serve every year at Casino Night,” a resident director at the check-in table said. “Other foods would be a mess
Continued on page 3
Florida Tech campus cat “Sergeant” Socks has left his temporary post as Director of Security. Socks’ plans for increased security measures included knocking objects off of all surfaces at Florida Tech to ensure that nothing could ever fall on a student. He made limited progress on his mission. Socks refused a salary during his short tenure, a move students called “noble.” He requested his only compensation to be unlimited milk
Continued on page 3
Skate Fast Eat Gas gang targeting car owners Kevin Voodoosingh A u t o A m e at u r e
\\
An electric skateboard gang has recently been terrorizing the student body. Secur it y repor ts have said that the gang is robbing and stealing students of their skateboards, bicycles and longboards. These crimes are done with the intent to remove the campus of all inferior modes of transportation. Their new at tack has involved stealing all the mir-
rors off of cars. A victim who preferred to remain anonymous said that she was heading to Panther Dining Hall when three individuals wearing body protection with LED lights stopped her. They broke her car’s mirrors and said, “It’s all electric now. You and your petrol-powered friends need to learn who’s the boss.” This has not been the only incident involving the “Skate Fast Eat Gas” gang, as they
have spray painted on their victims' cars. Other individuals have found album posters from 80’s bands such as Duran Duran, U2, Pet Shop Boys and The Cars taped to their cars’ windshields. The new director of Security made “Skate Fast Eat Gas” his first priority in his tenure. He assumes his position on April 1. In a general meeting dis-
Continued on page 3
Professors suspected in Crawford's hamster infestation
EMily Walker \\ The Pixie
Crawford's new paint job distracts from the elevator catastrophe inside. Photo // Florida Tech Facebook
as Director of Security
Recently, students, staff and faculty have noticed an infestation of hamsters in Crawford, cause of which is still under investigation. While facilities claimed the hamsters were likely coming from the atomic toilet, some students have the suspicion their professors are smuggling
them into class. “My professor proudly shows off his hamster,” one student said. The student added that her professor keeps his hamster in his pocket and feeds it nuts throughout class. Another student said the hamsters may be there for emotional support. “Before, my professor
seemed so lonely,” she said. “Hav ing a hamster really seems to help him. Whenever we’re doing work and he’s at his desk, his hamster is there for him to pet.” While many find the furry creatures adorable, some students said they’ve become a distraction.
Continued on page 4
Decree from Thanos on the back page! Happy April Fool's Day!
S SATIRELIFE 2
ISSUE 6 ½
Florida Man continued to clean off from the tables and I’m sure students wouldn’t like messy clothes either.” Shupp grabbed a bag of chips in rage and began confronting the volunteers to demand pizza. “I told him that we just have colorful drinks here,” a volunteer at the bar said after being held hostage.
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Shupp grabbed a Swiffer mop behind the bar and began chasing the volunteers and students who were playing at the games tables. The resident directors chased Shupp in an attempt to restrain him but he escaped down the stairs in the back of the lobby room. Shupp went back to the entrance of the SUB and asked the FITV photo booth about
the nearest place for pizza. A le s sa nd r o B ona iuto, a biology sophomore and a friend of Shupp, said he told Shupp that pizza was usually served at the Rat. “I was in a panic,” Bonaiuto said. “I didn’t want him to come at me with the mop.” Despite Bonaiuto’s efforts to calm the situation, Shupp began sw inging t he mop around the FITV group. He broke some of the equipment
at the photo booth, resulting in the mop being snapped in half. Eleanor Mathers, a senior in strategic communication, was walking by the SUB when Shupp saw that she had pizza. “It was insane,” Mathers said. “Some guy started chasing me with a broken Swiffer thing and was screaming ‘PIZZA!’ while I tried to get away. He stole my shoe!” Mathers chased Shupp down to the Rat and directed
Organization presidents attempt to schedule riot
Leslie Eleanor \\ A n g ry D i c tat o r
“We’ve finally had enough,” Veri Upsette posted in the “Presidents for Change” forum March 24. As the third president in the past year for the student organization Un-Adulting, Upsette said she “can’t even with this school anymore.” “It’s like we shout and they don’t listen, you know?” Upsette said. Upsette said organizations have been “shouting from the rooftops” about change, but their cries have gone unheard by administration. Upsette said once she realized the administration wasn’t listening to their metaphorical cries, she decided to create the “Presidents for Change” forum, a website dedicated to posting ideas for change and complaints about the school, in the fall 2018 semester. “I hadn’t heard about the Presidents for Change until last week, when they tried to organize a riot,” Hahn Deman, a junior in construction manage-
ment, said. “Campus security was freaking out about it and sent out emails with screenshots.” Dema n sa id t he on ly reason he saw the email was because he had accidentally sent his Domino's verification email to his school gmail account. Deman said that while he “believes the intentions were good,” somebody should have pointed out that “riot” was not the proper word to use. “It was supposed to be ‘protest’,” Bill Fates, president of Future Business Billionaires, said. “Veri likes to make a hype around things and I guess her exec board said riot would get more attention.” Fates joined “Presidents for Change” in February, despite knowing about the forum since the beginning of last semester. “Veri is the longest president Un-Adulting has had, so I wanted to make sure that she was legit before joining,” Fates said. The first president of Un-Adulting didn’t show up
PUNTASTIC: The funniest crowd in Crimson!
for the first two meetings; the second president said it was “too much for comfort” on Facebook and tagged Upsette as the new president. Kale Ships, president of Food Fighters, said this isn’t the first problem Un-Adulting has caused for the presidents. “They make a lot of noise online and tag other presidents so administration will think it’s a group effort,” Ships said. “I never said I wanted a live panther for the mascot. That was a lot to unpack when it came out.” Ships and Fates said the riot scheduling has caused grief for their organizations and they won’t be signing up for any other Un-Adulting initiatives. The post they had signed up for said “in order to help raise awareness of issues our organizations have on campus, sign up to volunteer.” “It was short and simple so all of us thought it would be like a meeting or something with the administration,” Fates
said. “Even SGA signed it. We were all put on the posters that Veri sent out saying “Presidents for Change is organizing a riot for April 1st.” Yeah, we thought it was a joke too.” SGA declined to comment on their participation in the event but an emailed statement on their latest Pather Release addressed the issue. “SGA stands behind organizations and their issues. However, we do not condone organization. We will not be attending the riot Presidents for Change is scheduling.” Securit y also released an email stating “Organized riots will not be tolerated on campus,” along with the guidelines of unorganized chaos on campus and the procedures for these events. If any student or organization has future plans for protests, riots or organization, they can refer to the guidelines on handybook.fit.edu.
his attention to the pizzas on the menu. Shupp dropped the mop and exchanged Mathers’ shoe for currency in buying the pizza. The cashier declined the offer and Security caught Shupp at the scene after a complaint from the Casino Night.
Skateboard continued cussing the director’s new initiatives, a security officer advised that they pinpoint the exact dorms where the gang members are located and cut the power of each dorm room. While this was met with criticism, the director said he believes it’s a step in the right direction. While they work on reducing the effects the gang has had on the campus, Security has advised students what necessary measures to take if are encountered by the “Skate Fast Eat Gas” gang in an emailed statement. They told students to help stop the gang “by any means necessary.”
A gang member makes off with longboard.
Photo // Emily Walker
"I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked." - Khemari Howard "PanthAIR wouldn't be my Valentine. I guess we didn't have a connection." - Khemari Howard "March is so slow, it should be called Trudge." - Logan Mathers "What do you call an aligator in a vest? An investi-gator." - Nathaniel Asthon
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DISCLAIMER: the Grimson issue Is a part of the Crimson's annual April Fools edition. The content is in no means Meant to be Taken literally, nor meant to have negative intentions.
SATIRELIFE S ISSUE 6 ½
A Horrible Review Xiao Liang
Fourth Life considered greatest game in human history
After seven years of development and crowdfunding, Best Games Studios has finally fulfilled its promise of “creating the game that everyone dreamed of.” Fourth Life is a massive multiplayer online first-person role-playing action survival sandbox simulation sports shooter real-time strategy battle royale game that has the most innovative game-play mechanics the world has ever seen. Unlike other game developers, the people at Best Games Studios understand and know what the gaming community wants for their games. Instead of choosing inferior and obsolete gaming platforms such as PCs and consoles, the developers of Fourth Life wanted everyone to enjoy the game and have made the decision to release exclusively on mobile because “everyone has a phone.” The processing power and the state of the art hardware of smartphones are capable of handling the otherwise impossible engine that the game runs on for around 30-45 minutes, depending on the player’s preferred phone of choice. If the player decides to get the Ultimate Deluxe Collector’s edition of Fourth Life for $300, the game will also come with a compact-portable power bank which will extend the possible play time. Now let us talk about what makes Fourth Life so special: the game-play.
In Fourth Life, the player gets to choose to be whatever they want to be. The for wa rd-t h i n k i ng developers of the game have added over 500 gender and sexual orientations for the players to choose from, such as Attack Helicopters, Goats, Pizza and Chairs. The players a re even allowed to customize the look of their character pixel by pixel, which is the true character building that everyone wanted. After choosing what or who they want to be, the players are thrown into the immersive world of Fourthland, a place where magic and technology coexist and the world is open for the players to explore. At the very start of the game, the players have to find a purpose for themselves as the game heavily emphasizes on making your own choice, which means that there are no set objectives and no real NPCs to interact with the players. However, with a small fee of $30 per month, the player is able to access additional features of the game such as crafting and learning magic. On top of the monthly subscriptions, the players can also purchase in-game currency to participate in what is probably the most exciting and addictive game mode of all time: Loot Roulette. Unlike the questionable loot boxes that some other game companies have been implementing, the Loot Rou-
lette is a perfectly fair and balanced mode that allows the players to acquire loot by playing the in-game roulette. Although the win rate and chances of Loot Roulette were not posted by the developers of the game, Best Games Studios has assured players that the roulette is perfectly balanced because it functions just like a real-world roulette. Aside from the breath-taking Loot Roulette game mode, the game also has a very competitive and advanced battle royale mode. Unlike most popular battle royal games before the launch of Fourth Life, the battle royale mode of the game has completely removed the element of luck, as this would make the game unfair and not fun to play. Instead, the players can use the in-game currency they’ve purchased to choose accurately where they’ll be dropping and what kind of loot they will acquire, a truly fair and open battle royale indeed. Fourth Life is a completely perfect and functional game that will just keep improving by itself. Even the developers at Best Games Studios have claimed to stop any further development and maintenance of the game shortly after its release because of how perfect it is. To conclude, I’ ll g ive Fourth Life the highest score and recommendation: 10/10; it’s all right and the only entertainment you will ever need.
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Se-Purr-ity continued from the dispenser in Panther Dining Hall. He received positive feedback in his brief moment of leadership. “He knew what the priorities were when it came to safety,” a student who wished to remain anonymous said. “He was about to write me a ticket for parking in the middle of Country Club, but a little red light mysteriously appeared and he decided that was much more important.” Coincidentally, she hurriedly tucked a laser pointer into her pocket as she spoke. Not everyone was happy with Socks’ changes, though. Dogs were strictly prohibited from entering campus for a time. “I asked him why, and he just hissed at me,” one dog
Hamsters continued A graduate student said it wouldn’t be a big deal if professors were better at controlling their hamsters. “Lots of people have hamsters, and that’s fine,” he said. “But I don’t want them out and about in class. Keep them in their cages.” It isn’t just students that have a problem with the hamsters. Some professors are bothered by their presence as well. One professor in communications said the daily sight of her coworkers’ hamsters is upsetting. “It’s disgusting,” she said. “I can’t have a hamster, and to see them flaunting theirs around the school? I’m ready to quit.” Another professor said seeing the hamsters everyday is a sad reminder that she can’t have one. “I’ve always liked them,” she said. “I wish I had one, and seeing them every day just reminds me I’ll never have one.” Facilities is working to get to the bottom of the infestation and stop it from spreading further. “Our biggest concern is containment, both of the hamsters and professors,” one staff member said. “If it is professors bringing the hamsters in, we have a bigger issue than we thought. Everyone will want to try it. As they say, monkey see, monkey do.” While there are several courses of action being considered, the staff member said they’re leaning toward shutting down Crawford for several days. “There are a couple reasons to shut it down,” the staff member said. “We’d like to
Sergeant Socks showing Photo // off his look before Sonja Michaels he departs. owner complained. On the date of his departure, several fish went missing from the Botanical Gardens. The feline declined to comment on any possible involvement with the disappearances unless licking one’s paw for five minutes is considered a comment. exterminate any remaining hamsters in the building. But the biggest issue is that most of our professors probably need a break. If they had some time off, they might not feel the need to bring their hamsters onto school property.” One professor, who wished to remain anonymous, is horrified at the idea of not being able to bring his hamster to class any longer. “He’s my best friend,” he said. “He’s basically a part of me.” The professor added that his hamster is like a security blanket, and when he has to spend the entire day without his pet, he feels tense, agitated and unfulfilled in life. Some of t he program chairs in Crawford are also looking into the problem. They want to keep the building clean while also keeping their professors happy. They’re considering adding rules about allowing certain pets, as long as professors follow specific protocol for cleaning up after their furry friends. “I don’t know what we’re going to do, but I do know it’s something a lot of students have complained about,” one program chair said. “No one wants to see a hamster sticking out of their professor’s pocket at eight in the morning.”
A hamster peeks out of a professor's pocket during a lecture.
Photo // Traumatized Student
S SATIRESPORT 4
ISSUE 6 ½
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Scabies Outbreak
Third outbreak "second nature" to athletics
A quiet moment in the diseased-infested Varsity Training Center.
Olivia McKelvey \\ No Fo r ks T o G i v e The Pant her’s Varsit y Training Center is filled with more than just sweaty athletes. It is now home to an ex t remely i r r it at i ng a nd flesh-eating disease: scabies. Scabies is a highly contagious skin condition that causes severe itching from sarcoptes scabiei mites, also referred to as itch mites. The itch mites burrow into and lay eggs in the outer layer of the skin, resulting in nonstop itching and an angry rash. According to the Centers for Disease Control and
Photo // Florida Tech Athletics
Prevention, scabies is mainly caused by poor hygiene and is spread through skin-to-skin contact. What is even more worrisome about the recent outbreak is the fact that this it is not the first time, nor the second time, but the third time the skin rash has wreaked havoc on campus. There have been numerous outbreaks in the past three months, all of which have been due to a lack of proper hygiene practices. “It’s almost second nature,” one athlete in a Facebook post. “I think the team has had a scabies problem longer than it
hasn’t since I’ve started.” While the athlete declined to speculate where the outbreak started, a Florida Tech coach has been investigating on his own. “It’s a lot of he-said-shesaid, but I think I’m closing in on the culprit team.” The coach requested to remain anonymous. “Wouldn’t want it to be from my own court, you know?” Showering, washing clothes and equipment and other basic cleaning practices that you would think to be essential to people's everyday routines have proved not to be so essential. The VTC will close down for a day so the athletic trainers can wipe down a few racks with a Clorox wipe and declare it “all good.” “Hopefully certain players on the field will invest in some soap and a nice hot shower,” said the investigative coach. Athletes might then be able to rid themselves of disgust and infestation, as well as put the rest of the student body out of misery and fear.
Prospective player: the cat's meow
david thompson \\ C la rk k e n t
After not making the playoffs this past season, the Florida Tech basketball is looking for potentially the most radical and ferocious change in program history. Percy the Panther has been tearing through the blacktops of Florida, dominating the court with his physical style of play and lightning-quick reflexes. Streetballer and former opponent of Percy, Bobby Smitty, said he’s never seen anything quite like him. “That cat is the quickest thing I have ever seen,” Smitty said. “And he can even make
jump shots, it’s incredible to watch.” Percy has no known owner or caretaker and got his name from the book “Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief” because of his uncanny ability to strike like lightning, according to Smitty. Florida Tech first heard about him from our resident mascot, Pete the Panther. In an exclusive interview being published on April 31, Pete disclosed that Percy has always dreamed of playing on a hardwood court, having his own jersey and hearing the crowd cheer his name. Pete recently used his connections with the basketball
Percy stands on a hardwood court for the first time, taking in the beauty.
program to set up a formal meeting and workout. “They really need to see him in person to find out if he’s a legitimate baller or not,” Pete said. Percy will be greeted like any other recruit when he comes to display his fourlegged dexterity on May 32. Smitty said he thinks Florida Tech would be foolish not to offer Percy a scholarship. “He may be just a large cat, but he’s got more skills than any human player I have ever seen,” Smitty said.
Photo // Pete the Panther
Thanos targets athletics
Thanos walking about on the tennis courts.
Emily walker \\ The pix ie After Thanos acquired the Infinity Gauntlet and snapped away half the population, he decided to endeavor on a new quest: getting rid of Florida Tech’s athletic teams. The Mad Titan arrived on campus in Februrary. The men’s and women’s tennis teams and the women’s golf team have already fallen victim to his scheme. While Thanos’ exact plans remain unclear, he has revealed that he is working closely with the athletic department to take out certain teams. He said with help from the inside, soon the department will have just the right number of programs. “When I’m done, half of athletics will still exist,” Thanos said. “Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.” The discontinuation of the tennis and women’s golf teams has taken away the fun for many student athletes, as they worry they’ll be turned into dust next. For Thanos, this wasn’t a concern when he made the decision to snap them out of existence. “Fun isn't something one considers when balancing the universe,” he said. “But this does put a smile on my face.” A group of athletes who wish to remain anonymous said they tried fending off Thanos. However, their ef for ts proved futile. W hen at h le te s b ega n
Photo // Bill Jurgens hurling various types of balls and other equipment at him, Thanos reportedly dodged them easily. One athlete threw a football at his chest, but Thanos simply brushed it off and said, “You should have gone for the head.” Before leaving the scene of the battle, Thanos told the athletes they were strong but warned them that he could snap his fingers and they’d all cease to exist. The athletes said they won’t give up fighting, although they plan to begin working with engineering students to create a new weapon. They are calling themselves "The Revengers." Bill Jurgens, the athletic director, declined an interview, stating he had “greater goals to accomplish.” Suspicious jars full of dust have begun to collect in his office. Thanos said in his quest to balance the athletic programs, he has received quite a bit of backlash. However, he said this will not deter him from his quest. “I know what it’s like to lose,” he said. “To feel so desperately that you’re right, yet to fail nonetheless. Dread it. Run from it. Destiny still arrives. Or should I say, I have.” While he doesn’t regret his decision to begin removing certain teams in his pursuit of balancing the athletic programs (and the universe), he said of the teams he has sacrificed, “I hope they remember you.”
Here lies the men's and women's track teams posing for a final group photo. Photo // The Revengers