RIMSON The Florida Tech
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T h e O f f i c i a l S t u d e n t A p r i l F oo l s E d i t i o n
Issue 6
SGA candidate penalized for excessive campaigning Doug schoeller \\ PRO-napper A f lurry of yellow f lags was thrown in room P133 last week for an illegal action from junior, Pete Kressen. Kressen reportedly made a plug for his campaign by muttering the words “Pete for Senate seat” in the middle of a fake sneeze. The penalty is due to the SGA rule of not being allowed to campaign after March 16, three days before voting was declared to be open. “It’s important that candidates know they’re free to voice their take on the election except if they endorse themselves, others specifically, have negative reviews of other can-
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Three raccoons accused of breaking into cars
Tower of Terror relocated to Crawford elevators
Markeema Crawford \\ s ta f f w r i t e r
Ashley letendre \\ Chicken Tender
Campus security have been in high pursuit of three raccoons accused of breaking into several cars parked at Harris Village this week. “The security guys just laughed at me at first,” Eric Stoner, a junior at Florida Tech, said. “Then they proceeded to ask me what types of drugs I had been on tonight and yeah Photos by Google Images I smoke hella weed, but I know what I saw and I know I locked Raccoon raid in Harris Village vehicle. all my doors.” According to research, racOne student said she was “I walked dow n stairs coons are known for having not surprised to see a raccoon and there it was just sitting in long sharp claws making it sitting in the driver seat of her my car chewing my gum, my easier to pry open and manip- car chewing the Bubblicious Bubblicious bubble gum! And ulate objects with their bare bubble gum she had left in her hands. car the night before. 4
Most recently, Crawford and its elevators have always had stories known about them. Whether students have gotten stuck in it, elevators have shut down or someone rushes in the elevator right as the doors are closing and you’re already late to class. Some pretty annoying events. But those problems are no longer as the Tower of Terror ride in A naheim, California that closed down due to a Marvel takeover last year, has now been relocated to the Crawford building.
Campus security and students left scrambling
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UFO spotted at Melbourne International Airport
Photo by Jared Campos
Micah Oltmann \\ Conspiracy theorist This week, prior to the annual air and space show hosted by Melbourne International Airport, a UFO and unidentified individual were spotted parking their aircraft and looking for what is believed to be a maintenance crew. Jared Campos, a student pilot at Florida Tech, who happened to be coming in late that night, described a brief encounter with the individual. “The guy asked me to take him to my leader. I assumed he meant the air traffic control, so I gave him the tower number,” Jared recalled. “He looked really weird,
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like it looked like a small scrawny person, but his skin was hella pale and wrinkly, it’s head was malformed and the eyes were hu ge a nd je t black.” Shortly after the encounter Jared stated the UFO started up and f loated over him before vanishing. When asked about the event, the Melbourne International airport had no comment, instead urging us to contact the Federal Aviation Administration for further details. This sighting comes only a couple months after alien lights were reported over Orlando on New Years Day. UFO experts from ufosightingsdaily.com claim that the lights over Orlando were similar to the famous Phoenix Lights, but had no comment on this most recent sighting. If you have any info regarding the individual or UFO call FAA Special Agent Fox Mulder at (202)-555-9355.
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World peace found out by internationally viral FitForum argument Mary had a little lamb \\ Rap music Goddess It started with two and then doubled to four. From there, it went to the whole school, got into the news and spread across the country. Two Florida Tech students recently got into a global warming argument via FitForum, also known as hitting “reply all” to voice your opinion
with regards to a mass email sent out. They got their friends involved and then the whole school picked whether they were team “Lean Mean Green Machines” or “C02 You Later”. “I just think this whole global warming thing is one big government hoax,” Scott Travis said. “Kind of like cancer. Or
The Mafia.” More and more people got involved as students, faculty and staff continued to hit “reply all,” so that the entire school knew about the argument.
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Botanical Gardens has new resident Eleanor Matters \\ T r y h a r d Paying apparently $1600 a month in rent with very strict housing regulations, a large ogre, going by the name of Shrek, has moved into Florida Tech’s Botanical Gardens. “We have a strict policy on what lives in our Botanical Gardens,” Facilities Operations said in an email announcement. “However, we have been presented a special case and the university is working
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together with the new resident to make an exception work for everyone involved.” Students have been warned against interacting with the new resident and a spokesperson for the security office assured students that Shrek was under the same regulations. “I have no idea why the university would think this is a good idea,” Charles Xander,
a graduate student in engineering management, said. “I’ve been here for six years and they’ve never allowed somuch as an alligator to make its home here.” Xander recently released a survey to gauge the student’s response to the new-comer.
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Page S4 SGA Campaign Poster Just Word Scramble from Excessive Typos