Future Female: Fall/Winter Issue 2020

ISSUE 07

THE FUTURE OF FARMING IS FEMALE page 22

CONFIDENCE, Is It Something You Inherited Or Something You Learn? page 42

CHAI SPICED DONUTS WITH CINNAMON INFUSED COCONUT BUTTER DRIZZLE page 5

STAYING CONNECTED IN LONG DISTANCE FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS page 10

founder’s letter

Kat Leroux Founder

Sara Maginn Pacella Managing Editor & Writer

Courtney Balaz-Munn Editor

Writers Emily Rzeznicki Kelly Zemnickis Lauren Mackay Naima Karp Sara Maginn Pacella

Contributors Lindsay Dent Shawna Patruno Tina Gravalos Martha Adams

Cover Photo

Farewell.

This issue is incredibly special to me. Not only because it is our last one as we move on to a different path at Future Female, but because the topic of generations hit me hard during the COVID-19 pandemic. My grandmother died from COVID-19 on April 29th, 2020. She was a widow since my grandfather died when he was 50. While I always wondered what it would be like to meet my grandfather, it never was a constant thought because my grandmother was so strong on her own, raising six children in a country she was adapting to as an immigrant from the Philippines. She was so gentle and kind, and always hit my arm for some reason while laughing because I had done something that she thought was funny, but I never caught it at that moment. That is who she was - Joyful. A grandparent, and in my case a grandmother is the pillar of our generation. She was the matriarch of my family, the one so gentle but firm, the one who everyone confides in as their safe place when things go awry. She unintentionally taught me that leaving a legacy behind does not need to be grandiose, it is simply about your character and who you have touched along the way. It is about really loving those around you and looking out for them at all costs. This is why I have chosen to close the doors on this magazine and focus on relearning my culture and giving back.

Jenny Vu

Follow us on @futurefemaleca #futurefemaleca

Future Female Magazine informs readers that the views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the articles of this issue belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s employer, organization, committee or other group or individual. Future Female Magazine has made a commitment to ensure that content in our issues are accurate on the date of publication. The views expressed in the articles reflect the author(s) opinions and are not necessarily the views of the publisher and editor. The published material, adverts, editorials and all other content is published with good intent for our readers. Future Female Magazine cannot guarantee and accepts no liability for any loss or damage of any kind caused by our publication and errors and for the accuracy of claims made by the advertisers. All rights reserved and nothing can be partially or in whole be reprinted or reproduced without a written consent.

I hope as you read through this issue, that you identify and take away with these stories that our writers and contributors have so kindly shared.

Know that you are powerful just as you are and you can create so much possibility in anything you set your mind to, and the generation you zzleave behind will thank you for it.

Kat Leroux, Founder @kathleroux

contents

*

on the cover Ohemaa Boateng

brings us on her farming journey along with other female farmers on page 22

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32

38

Meet Rhiannon Rosalind, President and CEO of The Economic Club of Canada and CEO of The Jr. Eco- nomic Club of Canada Meet Taylor Dhamo, a Mother of 2 who thought she could not have kids due to her Intramedullary Myxopapillary Ependymoma Diag- nosis and tells the inspiring story of beating the odds Meet Anh Pham, a Breast Cancer Survivor and Inspiring Warrior who had found out about her diagnosis during her pregnancy with her son

wellness 5 Try Tina’s Chai Spiced Donuts with

Cinnamon Infused Coconut Butter Drizzle 10 Staying Connected in Long Dis-

tance Family Relationships 11 Book Review of In Bibi’s Kitchen 20 Taking a break from Toxic Family Members 22 The Future of Farming is Female:

Meet Ohemaa, Amy and Jane who

run Local Farms in Ontario 31 Finding Your Voice: Financial Em-

powerment in a Family Business

by Martha Adams 42 Confidence, is it something you

inherit or is it something you can learn?

pg 22

relationships 4 Generational Healing and the Path Forward 12 A Family Haunt: Mother and Daughter’s

Coffee Shop 16 My Dad is my Hero: The Role Model

Baby Boomers Need 18 Someone Out There: Writer Kelly discovers

a half-sister through her Ancestry DNA research 28 My Mother is My Best Friend: Writer

Naima talks about her evolving relation-

ship with her mother 30 Weaving Trauma through Families:

A Message of Intergenerational Love 36 Avocado Toast: This Millenial Web Series

is a new form of therapy

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relationships

Weaving Trauma Through Families A Message of Intergenerational Love WOR D S B Y E L I Z A B E T H H AW K SWO RT H

I was probably six when I found out that I was Anishinaabe. It came on the heels of a typically 1980s first-grade classroom assignment to “find your Indian name.” We were told to make headdresses that would emblazon these made-up names across the headbands. My mother didn’t object to the assignment, but I remember she looked uncomfortable.

“We’re Indians, you know,” she said, as she helped me staple coloured construction paper feathers to the wildly patterned headband. “We’re Chippewa. You’re really Native, not just made up.”

That was as far as it went, and for years, I knew nothing about what being Native really meant. It was on my 18th birthday that my grandfather finally began to open up about his experiences. He’d gone to an Indian Day School in the London, Ontario area. He’d moved to the USA with his mother to escape further conscription into governmentand church-run residential schools. He’d turned to alcoholism.

That’s where I want to stop recounting what we typically look at as intergenerational trauma. Each Native family has pain running through the veins of each generation. We have had to parade our hurt in front of the white gaze for years just to prove that our colonized country does treat Indigenous people like second-class citizens. And in turn, Canadians see us as lazy drunks who can’t rise above what happened to us.

But there’s more to intergenerational trauma than pain.

There’s also love.

My grandfather’s stories included a lot of hurt, but he also told me three different ways to skin a deer. He told me that our three medicines, sweetgrass, tobacco, and sage, were paramount to keeping the equilibrium with the Earth that our people have kept for generations.

And he told me that my job, to carry on the culture, has been the job of the firstborn daughter of countless families in our nation. In short, he told me that our traditions and our healing ways are intergenerational, too, and that you need both sides of the story to truly teach Canadians who Natives are and why our culture matters.

These two sides are starting to make themselves known in popular culture. Recently, my girlfriend, who is white, and I took a trip to the movies to watch Frozen II. While I already loved the Frozen franchise, I was interested to see this particular sequel because I had

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learned that the filmmakers had conferenced with the Sámi people (an Indigenous people from northern Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Russia) on how best to present them in the context of colonial Norwegian culture.

I left the movie in tears, not because I was upset, but because I felt it was an amazing story of what intergenerational love truly is. Not only was I represented in the mixed Indigenous princesses (Elsa and Anna), the movie wove a story of true reconciliation and how intergenerational love is passed down and becomes a part of you. While their tagline is that “water has memory,” I would argue that blood is what has memory—memory of good and of bad.

Intergenerational trauma and love don’t only affect Indigenous communities. Countless communities and ethnicities experience this type of generational story. But, like my grandfather taught me and Frozen II underscored, it’s “the next right thing” that we do that matters.

Trauma doesn’t heal on its own. Canada has a long way to go when it comes to starting that process. But if blood has memory, then my blood remembers more than trauma. It remembers the love of my ancestors, too.

wellness

Chai Spiced Donuts with Cinnamon

Infused Coconut Butter Drizzle

Tina Gravalos is a Certified Nutritional Practitioner (CNP), and a Registered Nutritional Consulting Practitioner (RNCP), who graduated with honours from the Institute of Holistic Nutrition.

Tina is also the founder of Tina Gravalos Holistic Wellness which is a multifaceted wellness company with the focus on one-on-one nutrition coaching, community programs and more.

@tinagravalos

www.tinagravalos.com

Ingredients 1 cup oat flour ½ cup coconut flour ¼ cup + 1 tbsp coconut sugar Pinch of sea salt 1 tsp baking powder 3 ½ tsp ground cinnamon 2 tsp ground cardamom 1 tsp ground ginger 1 tsp ground allspice 1 tsp ground nutmeg ½ tsp ground cloves

2 eggs 1 cup oat milk 2 tsp pure vanilla extract Coconut oil for greasing donut trays Cinnamon Infused Coconut Butter Drizzle: Heaping ¼ cup coconut butter ¼ cup oat milk 1 tsp pure vanilla extract ½ tsp ground cinnamon

Instructions Preheat oven to 350 F. Using silicone trays, grease each donut mould with coconut oil. I have silicone trays that each make 6 donuts.

In a large bowl, add in oat flour, coconut flour, coconut sugar, sea salt, baking powder, all ground spices and mix until combined.

In a small bowl, add the eggs and whisk. Add in oat milk and vanilla extract and mix until well combined.

Add the egg mixture into the dry ingredients and mix until everything is combined.

Fill each donut mould and then put them in the oven.

Bake for 23-25 minutes or until you can insert a toothpick and it comes out clean.

Let donuts cool for 10-15 minutes.

Using a spoon, drizzle the coconut butter mix on top of the donuts.

For the cinnamon infused coconut butter drizzle: In a small saucepan, over very low heat, add the coconut butter, oat milk, vanilla and cinnamon. Stir until the coconut butter is melted and it thickens up like an icing.

You might need to add more liquid if it’s too thick.

Store in an air-tight container for 3-4 days.

Makes 7 donuts | Prep time: 10 minutes | Cook time: 23-25 minutes

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inspiration

MEET

RHIANNON ROSALIND WORDS BY SARA MAGINN PACELLA PHOTOS BY JENNY VU

When we talk about generations, we don’t just mean familial. We can also talk about bettering our community for the next generation and beyond. Rhiannon Rosalind is a change maker who strives to use her role as President, CEO and Owner of The Economic Club of Canada, Founder of The Jr. Economic Club of Canada, and Co-Founder and CEO of The Global Institute for Conscious Economics (GICE) to make dramatic change within her industry.

Rhiannon is passionate about highlighting Canadian issues— from truth and reconciliation for Indigenous peoples to racism and exclusion on Bay Street—to help create a more prosperous and equal future for everyone.

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Rhiannon has been named one of Canada’s Change Agents by Canadian Business Magazine and was awarded WXN Canada’s Most Powerful Women: Top 100 Award. As an advocate for youth, she has been instrumental in developing seven national programs under the Jr. Economic Club banner that have impacted over 50,000 young Canadians and provided over $150,000 in academic scholarships.

The following interview excerpts have been edited for clarity and brevity.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TOWARD A CAREER WITHIN THE FINANCE INDUSTRY? WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO MAKE ADVOCACY A KEY COMPONENT OF YOUR CAREER? I have always been deeply interested in the study of systems—political, economic, and social. When the opportunity to work for The Economic Club presented itself after graduating university, I knew it was an opportunity that I couldn’t let pass me by. Early on, it felt like I was drinking from a firehose. There was so much to learn. I became more aware of the voices that weren’t represented in the boardrooms and in the C-suite, and I began to advocate for change. In many ways, I was struggling to fit in, as I often found myself the only young person or woman in the room—I wanted to change that, not only for myself, but for other groups that didn’t have a seat at the table. I never imagined that the advocacy work would become such a huge part of what I was doing, but it gave me a deeper purpose and helped me shape my own identity as a leader.

HOW HAVE YOUR OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES, BOTH GROWING UP AND AS A 26-YEAR-OLD CEO, SHAPED YOUR CAREER AND LIFE GOALS? IF YOU COULD GIVE YOUR 26-YEAR-OLD SELF ADVICE KNOWING WHAT YOU DO TODAY, WHAT WOULD THAT ADVICE BE? My family struggled growing up; money was tight, and there were many different challenges that we faced. I was not a good student during my younger years, and as a result, my confidence was low. I never really felt smart, so I started to look for validation outside of the classroom, and by grade 10, I completely flunked out. I knew that

the path that I was on wasn’t the right one, and so I made a promise to myself to do better and make a change. I got back into school and worked through my self-esteem issues to develop better habits. When I got to university, it was the first time I ever felt clever, because I was studying topics that I was passionate about. I would never have imagined that I would end up a 26-year-old CEO running The Economic Club of Canada. I’m not perfect and I’ve made many mistakes along the way, but one thing that’s allowed me to be successful is my ability to be vulnerable. I’m not afraid to ask for help, admit when I’m wrong, and be honest about where I come from.

HOW IS THE REPUTATION OF WOMEN IN FINANCE CHANGING? WHAT CAN WE DO TO BETTER FACILITATE THIS CHANGE? To make change, we need to see more representative leadership.

There are certain industries, like finance, where we just aren’t seeing the kind of progress we would like. We need to embrace the fact that there are systemic barriers at play that keep women, BIPOC, and youth underrepresented. Change can only happen if we bring more awareness to the parts of our economy and system that aren’t welcoming or working for different groups. Rather than expecting people to change to fit into the system, we need to change the system to fit the needs of people. To me, this means feminizing our approach to business through a deeper emphasis on emotional intelligence, collaboration, creativity, and connection to the planet. At the end of the day, finance is about value exchange, and we need to modernize our approach to value exchange by recognizing things like personal well-being, community safety, and reconciliation as key performance indicators in the marketplace, alongside profitability.

HOW CAN CURRENT WOMEN IN LEADERSHIP ROLES BETTER SERVE THE NEXT GENERATION OF WOMEN ENTERING THE BUSINESS? Current leaders can help future leaders by being themselves. When we find ourselves in a place of power, we have the ability to set the stage for change. I have learned to embrace my youth and femininity in my role, and by doing this, it gives women who come after me the permission to do the same. Mentorship can help, sponsorship can help, but the most valuable thing is leading by example. Just like Gandhi

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said: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Women leaders have an opportunity to transform the system just by taking up space and doing things differently.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO BETTER ADVOCATE AGAINST RACISM AND EXCLUSION ON BAY STREET AND BEYOND IN OTHER BUSINESSES? In any troubled relationship, healing can only begin when we embrace honesty and communication. I’ve always believed in the premise that reconciliation cannot happen without first embracing the truth. There are many unpleasant truths about our economy, our corporate infrastructure, our education systems, and our political systems that we must face together as a collective. We have a journey ahead of us that involves unlearning many patterns and behaviours that have become deeply engrained and hidden in our subconscious.

We need leaders to courageously admit that they don’t have all the answers. We need to break bread together, speak at the same tables, and work as a collective to design solutions that are truly representative. We need to try new things, break out of autopilot, and focus on evolving our consciousness.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO MAKE CHANGE IN THEIR INDUSTRY AND BEYOND? Change starts from within, so my advice is to first practice on yourself. Identify a few key areas in your own life where you would like to see improvement. Better communication, personal wellbeing, or more environmentally sustainable habits are all easy to talk about and less easy to implement. However, I know through my own life experience that change is possible—not just for ourselves but for our systems. If you master making change within yourself, you can use that knowledge to lead others to do the same. The collective solutions that we crave start with a majority of people taking small and personal action.

WHO DO YOU ADMIRE THE MOST, WHY? I admire Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Buffy Sainte-Marie, Oprah Winfrey, and many others who have risen from adversity and used their lives as a tool for change. The person I want to admire the most is myself, though. I’m working on improving my own self-love and admiration every day. It’s something we aren’t taught to do, and it’s something we all struggle with. In a time when there is so much hate and shame and confusion in our world, self-love can be a rebellious act.

WHAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF? I have had the privilege of sharing stages with many world-renowned leaders and receiving many accolades and awards, but I’m most proud of my ability to make people feel heard, seen, and valued. It’s something I consciously work at—to embrace others, to intuitively read when someone feels left out, and to make an effort to include them.

These are the values that I am most proud to cultivate within myself and share with others.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, WATCHING, AND/OR LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My two favourite podcasts of the moment are EXPANDED Podcast with Lacey Philips and Mark Groves Podcast. Both of these feature raw and honest conversations around behaviour change, unlearning, and personal and collective transformation—all topics that inspire me. I’m also currently reading 21 Things You May Not Know About the Indian Act by Bob Joseph. I am interested in learning and working with Indigenous leaders and better understanding the systemic barriers that are built into our current political and economic structures. It’s a fascinating read, and I highly recommend it to all Canadians.

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Staying Connected in Long Distance Family Relationships Lindsay Dent hails from Brampton, Ontario and is the founder of Pink Crown Creative and host of Have You Met Her Yet?, a podcast where she inspires and motivates women in the workplace.

Let’s connect, collaborate and conquer your business goals!

@_lindsaymitchell @pinkcrowncreative @haveyoumetheryetpodcast www.pinkcrowncreative.com

I moved from Ontario to British Columbia almost seven years ago.

I have tried my best to make it back for every wedding, baby shower, reunion, funeral, and any other important milestone that I can, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with when I do miss the odd family moment. Not having your family’s constant presence in your life can be extremely hard.

Both my husband and I live away from family; mine are in Ontario and his are is England.

Living away from family is tough. This was further emphasized during recent isolation and quarantine due to the COVID-19 pandemic. As many others know and have experienced, it was really challenging to cope without family during those difficult moments over the last few months, when all we wanted to do was hug and be in the presence of our loved ones.

Since provinces began re-opening, we are lucky to have escaped back home to Ontario to visit my family, but we are anxiously awaiting the ability to visit home in England.

To help deal with living away from our families, we have come up with five things we do to feel connected and close to our families:

Schedule Video Calls

Plan Group Vacations

We try to phone our parents and siblings or have video calls with them at least once every few days to catch up. These conversations sometimes include one or both of us cooking, cleaning, and even eating and drinking together. For important events such as birthdays, Christmas, and major life milestones, we schedule special time to celebrate them together.

Meeting in different parts of the world has been a highlight of living away from our families. It has given us the opportunity to meet in some incredible places and have unforgettable experiences together. Some of our adventures include trips to Florida, Boston, Amsterdam, Portugal, Antigua, Muskoka, Kelowna, and Whistler, as well as a Rocky Mountain and Pacific coast road trip. When we got married, we decided to have a destination wedding in Jamaica, so we could have a full week of selfish uninterrupted time with our families. This was so magical, and it is a time in our lives that we will cherish forever, as we finally got to blend all our friends and families and share unforgettable moments with them.

Send Snail Mail Sending birthday cards, Christmas cards, and gifts in the mail has been a really special way to keep in touch. A few times a year we are even lucky enough to get care packages filled with British treats sent from England.

Group Chats Having a family group chat is an important way to connect. We send daily photos, updates, and funny memes, and we celebrate each other’s wins with both of our families on WhatsApp.

Print and Send Physical Photos Having family photos printed and displayed around our home ensures we feel surrounded by our loved ones. We have even sent and received printed photos and albums from our family members, which is another beautiful way to feel connected and loved.

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As hard as it is not to see our family as much as we would like to, when we do go home, we find we get the best out of our families.

We plan to see them and celebrate in a bigger way since we don’t usually have the luxury of doing so. Those moments always feel special and like we are getting the best parts of our family’s time and energy.

The distance definitely makes us appreciate the days we are able to spend together when we are in person. It reminds us that every moment is special and needs to be cherished.

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bibi’s kitchen: in

The Recipes and Stories of Grandmothers From the Eight African Countries That Touch the Indian Ocean RE VI E W E D B Y NAI MA K AR P

Who are the queens of every food culture in the world? Grandmothers. With each new culinary innovation we experience, the origins remain unchanged. Nourishment and enjoyment of food are available to us thanks to our ancestors, the original food explorers and pioneers.

In this iconic food book, Somali chef Hawa Hassan joins forces with food writer Julia Turshen to showcase 75 recipes from Black grandmothers all around the world. The word “Bibi” isn’t actually a name—it’s a term for “grandmother.” This recipe book takes us around Kenya, Somalia, Mozambique, Madagascar, Tanzania, South Africa, Eritrea, and Comoros.

This tapestry of collective experiences over eight lands shares not only mouthwatering meals, but also a history of the spice trade in these nations, including exports such as vanilla and pepper. The women featured in the book are overflowing with wise and loving energy that’ll make you wish you had grown up around them as well.

The reader gains insight on Ma Shara’s perception of the real Zanzibar, while Ma Vicky provides a delicious tutorial on how to make delicacies like stewed plantains with Tanzanian beans and beef, otherwise

known as matoke. Today, Ma Vicky lives in New York’s suburbs. It’s safe to say that her plantains have traversed many lands, and their legacy will continue through her family in New York.

This book guides us through the personal stories of Hassan and each of the women interviewed. Although food is a leading theme in In Bibi’s Kitchen, it’s equally a travelogue shedding light on horrific wars, losses, and migration, along with valuable moments of refuge and family bonds.

Purchasing In Bibi’s Kitchen is an excellent way to support Black authors while filling your kitchen with sumptuous smells and food. I recommend this book to self-educate on an unspoken history that shaped the lives of many. Although we experience moments of relating to the interviewees, their stories also show readers our own privilege and acknowledge the struggles of those who fought for freedom and justice (and are still fighting today).

In Canada and the United States, Africa is often reduced to simplified stereotypes.

This book challenges every one of those assumptions with its richly diverse background and courageous, admirable tales.

Through the years, the kitchen is where

these women have found empowerment and avoided being stifled by uneducated white biases.

Cooking is as much about tradition as it is about ingredients. That tradition has always started with women in the kitchen, cooking and passing down stories through generations. Beyond this cookbook, Hawa Hassan is the CEO of Basbaas Sauce, a company that sells condiments inspired by her home country, Somalia. Hassan’s co-author Julia Turshen is a best-selling writer and the founder of Equity at the Table (EATT), an inclusive digital directory made up of non-binary people and women in the food industry. This book is an homage to inspiring women written by two ladies who have accomplished some memorable feats in their careers. Uplift them by cooking your way through this book, hopefully spurring some inspiration, at some point, from within your own soul.

Purchase your copy at

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A FAMILY HAUNT A MOTHER

&

DAUGHTER’S COFFEE SHOP

WORDS BY EMILY RZEZNICKI

I discovered The Brockton Haunt six years ago, while working as a line cook at a restaurant in the same neighbourhood. I was immediately charmed by co-owner and mother Kris, who upon making my drink, stated, “I don’t make drinks as well as my daughter Julie, but they’re still pretty good I think. Don’t tell her I said that if you see her, though.” When I bring this up at our interview, Julie laughs, and Kris scolds me but forgives me for doing exactly what I was told not to do.

It became a natural part of my going-to-work routine to grab a coffee there, and the shop quickly became my favourite café in Toronto.

I began to get to know Julie and Kris, and every visit I felt more comfortable with them. I have sent them Christmas cards, brought them baked goods from jobs, and lent horror movies to Julie, and I once talked to Kris for two hours while she worked. These instances illustrate The Brockton Haunt’s most defining quality, which is to be truly connected to the community and an embodiment of its namesake: a haunt.

After moving to Toronto in 2011 from their hometown of Saskatoon, Julie and Kris began searching for the perfect area for their coffee shop. After discovering the current location, Kris researched the neighbourhood demographics and the competition. Kris says, “There were already a few coffee shops in the area, and there was one in particular that we felt would be our biggest competition, but we also didn’t let it intimidate us.”

Choosing the name came after finding the area. “Scouting around, we found out that it was called Brockton Village. My daughters [Julie is the youngest of three] had said to call it ‘the Haunt’ because it’s

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a popular term in Saskatchewan,” says Kris. Julie adds, “We had lots of ideas, but we wanted to incorporate the village name and came up with Brockton Haunt.” Kris says, “We love hearing people refer to us as ‘the Haunt’; we’ve become part of their vocabulary, and that is really cool.”

It’s no surprise when Julie tells me that the comfort I felt with Kris is also shared by many of the Haunt’s other regulars. Julie boasts of her mom, “People have always felt compelled to talk to her; they see her as a safe person and [she] is able to have deep conversations that I don’t [have].

She is a neighbourhood mom.” Both tell me about being able to see each other’s personality reflected in their customer service. For Kris, it was a natural transition after having spent 10 years working as a social worker in Saskatoon. “You have to be a good listener as a social worker, and that is integral in this business as well. Two ethics come out in a coffee shop: listen and don’t give advice.”

Both felt that owning a cafe would provide an opportunity for them to give the social experience they had missed out on at cafés in Saskatoon.

Julie says, “I never got to experience being a regular at a coffee shop, but now I get to have that with my customers.” Also important for both women was to provide a quality product alongside a great customer experience. Kris adds, “Coffee was always a passion for us; back home we were always on a quest for good coffee. We wouldn’t serve a coffee that we don’t like ourselves.”

Part of the unique charm of The Brockton Haunt is that the shop reflects its owners, and while wanting to appeal to customers, they never sacrificing their own vision to do so. Julie says, “Building it was a combined effort; we either found everything together or physically built everything.” Kris chimes in, “Point to anything, and we made it. The bar,

relationships

the tabletops—that’s us.” This is an obvious point of pride for both.

Kris continues, “Recent additions are more Julie, but she always runs it by me. I’ve slowly been handing over the reigns of creative decisions to her.” Julie says of her choices, “I wouldn’t choose something for the public unless I liked it. My tastes change and evolve, and I try to reflect that in the shop.”

sense of responsibility has remained constant in the past seven years, as Julie and Kris have shared the duty of working in the café, splitting each day between the two of them. However, their shifts are flexible, and they adapt well to the other’s needs and personal lives. “We figure out our shifts the night before, most of the time. Knowing each other’s personal schedule, we know who can do what,” says Julie.

Operating a family business has its fair share of unique challenges. It can be tough to navigate between personal and professional relationships. At the same time, they get to see the other person as an individual separate from the title of daughter or mother. For Julie and Kris, navigating their partnership has never been a problem and they are grateful to learn more about each other. Kris says about her daughter, “I get to hear things about her from customers, and I have discovered that she is much more capable than I thought she was. I have been able to see her more as a professional, and my respect has grown.”

After seven successful years of business, they have turned their focus more toward the future, and the pair agree that it will be daughter Julie taking command of the business. Kris says, “Julie is currently in training to take over. I want to semi-retire and step away from the day to day. I didn’t think I would still be working at this age, to be honest, but seven years went by so fast.”

When I ask what they think is the key to their ability to function as well as they do, Kris quickly says, “We just get along.” She laughs as she says, “I know that is a simple and possibly disappointing answer, but it’s true! We like each other.” Julie adds, “Our relationship always had a peer aspect to it; we’ve always been friends and equals.” They are not scared to disagree and have always operated under open communication. “I can say anything to her. I trust her decisions. We never stay angry at each other, and because we have similar personalities, we can still hang out outside of work despite being together all day,” Kris says.

Their responses are directed to one another, and they smile and laugh, encouraging the other as they speak. Julie admits, “There is comfort working with my mom. I am protective of her and working together has brought that out more.” Kris says, “She knows that when I say I will do something, I will do it. She trusts me to pull my weight.” This

After 10 years dedicated to social work, as well as three years operating her first business in Saskatoon—Urban Tan & Aesthetics, which focused on health and beauty—Kris has led a life dedicated to hard work and independence, displaying a strong entrepreneurial spirit. Kris says, “I come from a history of it; it’s what I have always known and wanted to do.” Despite her penchant for business, she is now ready to slow down, and she expresses excitement about seeing what Julie will accomplish with the business on her own.

Julie’s attention will focus on further developing their social media and online presence, including the online store she recently set up in response to the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic, but she admits that she too will need to step away slightly in order to do so. “When you physically work at the shop seven days a week, it’s hard to find the time to focus on anything else,” she says.

Julie has always shown an interest in entrepreneurship, but she wasn’t sure how that interest would manifest. As she says, “If you told me 10

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from a history of it; it’s what I have always known and wanted to do.” Despite her penchant for business, she is now ready to slow down, and she expresses excitement about seeing what Julie will accomplish with the business on her own.

Julie’s attention will focus on further developing their social media and online presence, including the online store she recently set up in response to the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic, but she admits that she too will need to step away slightly in order to do so. “When you physically work at the shop seven days a week, it’s hard to find the time to focus on anything else,” she says.

Julie has always shown an interest in entrepreneurship, but she wasn’t sure how that interest would manifest. As she says, “If you told me 10 years ago that I was going to own a coffee shop in Toronto, I would have said you were crazy.” But she is happy that this has been the result and is not afraid of taking over, especially knowing that she will always have her mom’s support—even if it’s from more of a distance. “I didn’t go to university, and my mom never forced that path on me; I always knew I would live an alternative lifestyle,” she continues, “I didn’t want a regular 9-to-5 job.” Kris chimes in, “I always knew that too of her.” Julie goes on, “I like being creative, and I like to work with my hands, which is why this job suites me.”

Julie’s work ethic and creativity are further demonstrated in her side business, Gloria Goods, where she sells handmade leather work.

It has been a daunting and evolving road for the duo, but despite challenges, their mutual support is unwavering. Both exhibit passion and diligence toward their business, and customers reap the benefits. As mother and daughter and as business partners, they’ve learned from each other, pushed for the best from one another, and turned their dream into a reality.

THE BROCKTON HAUNT 1150 College St Toronto, Ontario

@thebrocktonhaunt

A women run boutique consultancy firm founded to provide women entrepreneurs and creatives with the tools, knowledge, and resources they need to thrive!

WE SPECIALIZE IN: PROJECT & EVENT MANAGEMENT STRATEGIC & OPERATIONAL PLANNING WORKSHOP FACILITATION Email today to schedule a free 30 minute exploratory consultation! sayhello@incewest.com || www.incewest.com Toronto || Buffalo FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 15

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MY DA D IS

my hero AND THE ROLE MODEL BABY BOOMERS NEED WOR D S B Y N A I M A K A R P

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My father is the reason I’m as empowered as I am today. He taught me values of empathy and open-mindedness that range from gender and race to politics and relationships. When you think of the average white man from the 1950s, some negative connotations might come to mind. Baby boomers don’t have the best reputation nowadays, but my dad refuses to be a toxic byproduct of his generation.

Instead, he is a glorious exception to it.

Dad’s ancestors were immigrants dating all the way back to Ellis Island, Brooklyn. His own parents were both working when they got married—his father as a ship welder, and his mother as an office worker. Like many men at the time, my grandfather asked my grandmother to quit working after marriage.

To soothe his ego, she agreed, and became a multi-talented homemaker, doing everything from upholstering furniture to tailoring clothes.

Beyond this misogyny, toxic masculinity engrained itself in my dad’s childhood through sports. His father taught him how to “take a punch” at the young age of 12, leaving arms full of bruises. There was always a sense of training rather than bonding, which fed into an atmosphere of intimidation. This wasn’t considered abuse back then—it was just another way of becoming a man. Of toughening up. But we know now that this just leads to resentment and the need to prove oneself, which is exactly how it affected my dad.

My father grew up in Queens, N.Y., in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood. His family was Russian Jewish and expected him to marry a Jewish girl, even though they weren’t religious. It was about a fear of social acceptance. My dad is a kind and gentle man, but I’ve never once seen him as fearful.

He claims that his parents were liberal but suspicious of change. “They felt that the world wasn’t ready for mixed relationships of any kind—inter-religious or interracial.

Of course, with that attitude, you will never contribute to changing the world. They liked Martin Luther King but were scared of Malcolm X.” Although his dad had a dark side, he introduced my father to his passion: photography.

My father never travelled outside of New York City, so the street photography that he shot on his bike let him explore exotic places locally.

He may have been born in a prejudice-charged environment, but my dad never let those values bleed into his own politics or his relationships with his kids. He made

a conscious effort to focus on having fun instead of reaching expectations, with the belief that “there is no such thing as tough love—there is only love.” I was raised by him with the mentality that home is a refuge from the external expectations of the world and parents are advocates meant to enhance your voice.

When it comes to the love of his life, there are few couples more inspiring than my parents. Their love lies in the quiet moments, not in the grandiose announcements. I think my father fell for my mother due to their differentness; she could bring him outside of the narrow perspective in which he was raised.

My dad is proof that white people can and should do better.

During college, Dad both photographed and participated in the Vietnam War protests.

He always considered himself liberal but acknowledges his own privilege. He recently retired, and he has used this time to educate himself on the “hidden history” that wasn’t taught in the schools of the ’50s.

Photography became more present in his life after college, when he worked at a photo store and was eventually introduced to some publishers. Ultimately, he decided to quit his day job and go for his passion full time, and he hustled hard enough to earn a proper living. He had no formal schooling, and lots of learning was done on the job. After I graduated university myself, my dad’s history and nuggets of wisdoms inspired me to leave retail and office jobs and pursue a makeshift career as a freelancer myself. Although my dad inspired many of my career choices, his professional life isn’t what makes him such an impactful role model.

His kindness even manifests itself in his diet.

I always thought that he chose to not eat meat solely out of sympathy for our furry friends, but I gained further insight when he commented that “eating meat just hardens people to other forms of violence.”

As the Black Lives Matters movement continues to evolve, my dad is having important conversations with his white friends, and fearlessly, as always. While most of his friends support BLM, he’s not scared to have conversations with conservatives, sending emails and sharing opinionated Facebook posts. He understands that silence is just a form of acceptance that promotes biases, and he is vocal about the benefits white people have and what they can do about it.

My dad is proof that white people can and should do better. He was raised to prioritize maintaining appearances and status, as many children of the 1950s were. Fortunately, he learned his own lessons and built a life around his own kind of values—one with much more meaning that I plan to carry on in my own legacy.

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Someone Out There WOR D S B Y K E L LY Z E M N I C K I S

Anne Marie has always known she was adopted.

Her parents never kept that a secret from her or her sister (who is also adopted). Chatting over Zoom from her home in Calgary, she told me that her parents were always happy to pass on whatever information they had. “I never felt like a black sheep—I was never really searching for anything.” But in her late 20s, Anne Marie decided she wanted to try to find her birth parents. “I told myself it was just for the medical info, [because] I have always felt very connected to my parents,” she pauses for a minute, “But I always yearned to look like someone. I always wondered who I looked like out there!” I confided to Anne Marie that I’ve always felt like I don’t really resemble anyone in the family—whether true or not (I feel as though I’m a blend of everyone)—and we shared a good laugh realizing we’ve grown up wondering the same thing!

What Anne Marie grew up knowing was that she was born in Quebec in 1972 to a woman that gave her up for adoption immediately. “My mom was working in the hospital there as a nurse at the time, and there was a doctor who apparently was connecting women to families looking to adopt. It was a very different process back then. But I started looking for my birth parents before internet and email was a thing, so when I did learn my birth mother had been tracked down, we exchanged letters. And when I got that initial photo of someone who looked like me? That was really amazing.” For whatever the reason, Anne Marie didn’t hear much from her birth mother after that and eventually the letters just stopped. She has no idea why. Even the details she did receive didn’t give her much insight into her birth mother’s situation at the time. “There was an idea that my birth father was 18 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020

a TV producer!” Anne Marie mentions with a laugh, “My mom always thought that she had heard that.”

Yet, finding her birth father was never top of mind. “I never thought I’d ever learn who he was, as I had been 100 percent focused on finding out who my birth mother was and where she was from.” In fall 2019, Anne Marie took an AncestryDNA test in the hope of learning a bit more about the woman she knew to be her birth mother. When the results came in, it was her husband Tony who, looking at the results with her, asked, “Who’s that Richard guy? It says he’s a 100 percent match.

He’s your birth father!” Overcome with emotions, Anne Marie says she screamed for five minutes before shouting, “I have a name! I have a piece to the puzzle! Holy crap!” This presented her with an interesting dilemma: to reach out or not to reach out. “You wonder what kind of can of worms you’re opening up; what could he be like? He might not have any interest in knowing who I am! My experience with finding my birth mom was disappointing, and I was trying to brace myself for that reality happening again.” Anne Marie decided to reach out through the Ancestry website, composed a note to Richard with the guidance of her husband, and hit “send.” “I didn’t want to be angry; I’m not looking for a father—it was more of, ‘Hey! This is me,’” Anne Marie tells me. “My biggest fear in doing this was that I was going to be wrecking someone’s marriage by coming forward… but I had a good feeling once I hit send, I don’t know why.”

On Christmas Day 2019, after all the relatives had headed home and I was enjoying some more time with my parents, I received my own notification from Ancestry that I had a DNA match. I hadn’t received a notifications like that before. I had done a DNA test through An-

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cestry for a previously published Future Female article about my search for any signs of my great-grandfather, who had changed our family name before disappearing. Both my parents also took the test for the story.

But a DNA match wasn’t something I had received before then, and I called my dad over. We read the page together, while my mom was looking at us wondering what the hot gossip was… You see, Anne Marie is my half-sister. My dad is Richard, her birth father—the person she never thought she’d find. And he had no clue she ever existed until Christmas 2019. It was quite the sight to watch my father, a man in his 80s, try to digest the news that he had another child: not exactly the “Christmas miracle” we imagined. Now, full disclosure, my parents would have been dating around the time she came into the world, so it was strange, as I told Anne Marie, to watch my parents re-enact the scene from Friends where Ross and Rachel try to decipher whether or not they were on a break at the time.

My dad was upset that he had never known of this person’s existence; he went from confusion to anger that he was never told, and he started talking about going to meet Anne Marie out west. “He did?!” Anne Marie smiles as we continue our conversation, “I have to say, I was overwhelmed with how welcoming you all were.

And still are. No hesitation from anyone!” Well, I told her, it’s not anything they put in the commercials for the DNA kit, that this can be the resulting discovery!

So, remember that trip you took to France in the summer of 1976…? Months before we learned about Anne Marie, I had taken my first trip to Latvia along with my dad and my brother. I felt an instant connection to the land, a sense of belonging amongst its people—my people. I felt similarly during my initial contact with Anne Marie: she was someone I hadn’t known existed for my entire life, and yet, I felt fairly quickly that we had known each other forever. “I feel the exact same way!” she smiles as she recalls our meeting in-person, just before Canada shut down due to COVID-19, “I saw your dad on the sidewalk and gave him a hug. It wasn’t awkward, it was just… family.”

Had I never written that article, Anne Marie wouldn’t have found her birth father.

Her puzzle would still be missing a piece.

A friend of mine also had a similar experience with discovering a half-sibling last year. “I had done the 23andMe test, and she got in touch after my father passed away,” Mike told me. “We’re talking all the time and plan to travel together. You can’t pick your family, but you can pick your new family, I guess. She’s awesome, and I feel very lucky.” This is how it feels with Anne Marie now in our lives, to be honest. “It’s brought me a lot of guilt,” Anne Marie confessed in our chat, “I feel guilty that I have this connection with these people that I don’t really know. I feel such a strong connection, and I struggle with that. Because my parents are happy for me, and happy that it was such a positive experience.

No parent wants to see their kids get hurt.” Had I never written that article, Anne Marie wouldn’t have found her birth father. Her puzzle would still be missing a piece. We all plan to meet up again once life permits, and we can’t wait until we do. “I feel really fortunate that this has all been an amazing experience,” Anne Marie says, “I almost don’t believe it in some ways, that it has gone so smoothly.”

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TAKING A BREAK FROM

TOXIC WORDS BY EMI LY R Z EZ NI CK I

Growing up, I was led to believe in various life lessons, some of which were presented as near absolutes of life. This poses an obvious contradiction, as I have come to understand that in life, there are rarely absolutes. Nevertheless, those who guide us when we are young present those old adages with a level of certainty that is hard to argue with. For me, the most repeated was an assumption of the dependability that family would be present in my life, that they would always be there with love and unconditional support.

The unfortunate truth is that this is not always reality. In fact, the people who are supposed to never harm you can hurt you the most. This difficult truth came to me at an early age, forcing me to grow up faster and harsher and conclude above all that I needed to learn to depend on myself before I could depend on others.

There is much that is out of our control as children and teenagers, but as adults learning to navigate our newfound independence and adaptability, we discover new freedoms. One of these freedoms is the ability to wholly dictate the life we want and the relationships that we wish to keep or let go of. We can absolutely choose our family. When those we should be able to depend on continually fail us with patterns of neglect or abuse, we do not need to endure it simply because we share a titular bond.

My mom died in March 2018 from a particularly aggressive brain tumor. My world collapsed. Her death, in conjunction with my experience of being her primary caregiver while navigating the rest of my family’s needs and wants despite them providing me with

little support, was the final catalyst to making the decision to walk away from my dad and sister and to create boundaries and distance with my extended family. I had reached a point where I looked at who I had left as family, who would be there as I learned to live without my mom, and decided, based on my painful history with them, that they were not good enough and I deserved better.

My experience is unique to me; we all have our own breaking points, and I don’t pretend to make my experience universal. However, that breaking point is a common thread repeated by many: the moment we realize that our family is toxic and unhealthy for our existence. That we have repeated the same cycle of pain and one-sided forgiveness without reaching substantial growth or change.

And that the only reason we have endured this unnecessary pattern is because the people perpetuating it are our family.

Living with the decision to cut out certain family members from my life, I learned a few things, and for any of you reading this, I implore you to consider them as you move forward with your own decision.

1. The decision to cut ties with family or create boundaries with them does not need to be cemented forever. We cannot say what our lives will look like as we move forward, so how can we state with certainty that the chance to repair damage with family will never come? We can’t know if walking away now will have to be sustained forever.

That would be putting unrealistic pressure on ourselves. Instead, allow yourself to set the boundaries you feel you need now and re-evaluate your decision or degree of

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distance as you go. There is no limit to how many times you can reflect.

2. If you have decided to walk away from family members but occasionally want to talk to them or gauge their stance towards your decision, that is okay. We should not make ourselves feel guilty for not staying 100 percent away all the time. You are not betraying your decision or showing weakness if you feel you want to check in. It will allow you to decide what to do moving forward. If nothing has changed on their end, then stay the course. If something has changed for the better, allow for adjustment.

3. Ask yourself questions, such as, what do I need from them to begin to mend the relationship? What am I willing to negotiate on and what am I not? Am I letting my pain and anger turn into stubbornness or am I still healing? Is there a new way I can express my feelings that I have not effectively articulated before? Asking ourselves questions allows for evolving reflection. It allows us to reach new conclusions that may require new strategies, or it can help us see valid justifications and feel secure in our decisions.

Family is a privilege, not a right. We are born into titles not of our choosing, be it daughter, sister, or son. But the title of “family,” in my opinion, is one that needs to be earned, and family is defined by much more substantial, tangible elements than simply blood.

Family is trust, appreciation, celebration, and respect. All of which are created through supportive actions and words. If we are not receiving that from family, then it is time for change and for us to seek better.

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Generational Healing and the Path Forward WO R D S B Y L AU R E N M AC K AY

In the deep fissures of our current social structures, we can see that work needs to be done. It’s tempting to turn our attention to public spaces—and for some, that truly is the right choice. However, if you aren’t already working in quite the way you’d like to, or if you’re unsure of how you’d like to serve at this time, perhaps turning inward could be a significant offering. Self-reflection and healing are great beginnings for those seeking to contribute to the greater good. “When we understand trauma, and our own personal trauma, specifically, it’s easier to move from a place of compassion, for ourselves and others.

We can avoid perpetuating violence,” says Ernestina Malheiro, an Alberta-based instructional designer.

my cousins in Portugal, who moved to the city to go to university and then moved back home to be with their families when they were done, I pursued my career, because I was now living in the individualistic culture of Canada. I have been given a huge privilege. But what I lost in that transition was what happens when generations of the same family live on the same land: the deep knowing and living that happens from that. My grandparents were farmers and tailors, they were makers. We share that spirit of being able to take risks and push the envelope a bit, but they knew how to survive, to live off the land. I don’t have those skills. That connection, at least in that way, has been severed.”

Malheiro is among the growing segment entrepreneurs who understand why they do the work that they do and why it is essential to enact their social values in doing so. She created her business, Uplift Learning, in response to the gaps in Canada’s mental health support system. Rooted in compassion, self-discovery, and personal responsibility, Uplift is a bridge for organizations and individuals looking to deliver online educational material on a wide variety of subjects.

Perhaps it is this sensitivity to the absence of human rights and the lack of daily connection to her ancestral land that led Malheiro to her relationships with Duane Good Striker and Joe and Kathy Kipp. With them, she has learned much about the Blackfoot and Blackfeet (in Montana) tradition over the past decade and a half. In our interview, Malheiro is quick to note that she is “náápiikoan,” a white person, and that while her understanding may be more expanded than your average white person, it is not the same as an Indigenous perspective or experience. “I still come up against colonialism in my own mind,” she says, “This is part of my work.” While Malheiro’s work often involves using her considerable insight to help clients deliver transformative educational materials, it also often involves gathering in a community to learn and share. In the Blackfoot and Blackfeet tradition, community members travel to different regions at different times of year. Seasonal gathering is both practical and ceremonial.

But, in the midst of a global pandemic, community ceremony has all but ceased. “On one level, it is the loss of movement and the inability to see each other that we are grieving. The border between Canada and the United States is closed. Modern day maps have nothing to do with the sacred, and yet, it’s there. As much it is difficult not to go to my ceremonial family this year, it is important that we isolate. It is important that the elders are protected. If they were to die, we would lose so much. Too much.”

Clients approach Malheiro in large part because she is passionate about current best practices in cultural competency, trauma-informed care, and mental health. What they may not know is how her personal experience has informed her expertise. Malheiro was born in Portugal, a country still struggling in part with the weight of its colonial history and the legacy of an oppressive government that existed until the mid-1970s. To someone who was born in, say, 1998, perhaps that seems like a long time ago. But if a generation is 25 years, we are not even two generations removed. “The Portugal my grandparents and parents grew up in was highly oppressive. My grandmother was illiterate. When she was 8, her mother died. As the oldest, she was tasked with caring for the three younger siblings. Her dad died when she was 13; she never returned to school. My parents didn’t have access to school in the way they should have, either. It took me many years, many years of challenging the core belief that I wasn’t capable or good enough to do it, but I earned an MA in learning and technology in 2018. This lack of belief in myself is the legacy of the fascist system my family left. From illiteracy to a master’s in two generations. I wasn’t necessarily conscious of why I chose the path I did, but, looking back, I don’t think it’s a mistake that I do what I do. My work is very much a reaction to an absence of human rights, both for my family and for the people I work to support now.”

Like many of our generation, Malheiro is focused on healing. She’s traced the threads of difficulty in the choices and circumstances her family has lived through and has examined them without judgment.

“This isn’t the whole picture, either. When my parents moved us to Canada, we left behind an attachment culture. Instead of some of

Malheiro’s ecological perspective and reinforcing practices offer hope as we move through such difficult times. Her commitment to infusing educational practices with care and healing is deeply needed. “I hope we are finally able to learn through this that there isn’t one correct perspective. We need to learn to see the value in all life. If we move from a place of compassion for each other, for ourselves, for the land, I believe this is possible. If we can heal the trauma of our past, we are free to move forward and do the work of the future.” Indeed, it is a weaving of both the old and new that will lead us to co-create a new story. www.upliftlearningonline.ca FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 21

The

THE FUTURE OF

farming Future of female Farming is IS

Female WORDS BY SARA MAGINN PACELLA

WOR D S B Y SA R A M AG I N N PAC E L L A PHOTO S OF O H E M A A B Y J E N N Y V U

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When many people think of farmers, they envision the classic image of “American Gothic,” an elderly while couple situated on vast rural land. Today, many involved in Canadian agriculture are blazing new trails, including rising urban farming and smaller-scale “market” farms that grow a diverse range of crops set for market. These new paths better represent the diversity in farming and the Canadian population as a whole and help make farm-to-table food accessible to those who need it the most.

Today Future Female is fortunate to interview three remarkable women who are leading change in Canadian agriculture. is a farmer, food justice advocate, and early childhood educator who manages four school gardens in Toronto with Green Thumbs Growing Kids. Ohemaa helps to transform school gardens into a teaching space for children and the community by providing a hands-on experience of agriculture, teaching food literacy, improving the local ecology, and growing fresh produce and Afro-Indigenous foods for schools. Ohemaa brings her enthusiasm and passion to many not-for-profit urban agriculture initiatives, including as a garden and food educator for environment-based school programs.

Ohemaa Boateng (OB)

Amy Cheng (AC) is the market garden manager at Black Creek Community Farm. Amy has also worked as field staff as part of a larger team, coordinated various food education and gardening programs for seniors and community gardens, and run her own market garden operation called Red Pocket Farm, which focused on organic Chinese vegetables.

Jane Hayes (JH) is a permaculture designer, gardener, community developer, and educator. She founded Garden Jane in 2007 and co-founded Hoffmann Hayes in 2015. She has spent 25 years co-developing healthy food programs and accompanying site designs with municipalities, non-profits, and socially responsible businesses. *The following interview excerpts have been edited for clarity and brevity.

What made you decide to get involved in farming/agriculture/gardening?

OB: For me, farming has been closely related to me embracing myself and my hair and rejecting standard European/North American beauty. I began asking myself why I was putting products in my hair filled with chemicals for straightening. I learned that a lot of the products I was using on my skin and hair were harmful. I remember my mom telling me that whatever you can eat is good for your skin, and I started exploring things like shea butter in my beauty routine. As a DIY enthusiast, I investigated the sourcing of local organic ingredients.

This led me to making my own hair and skincare products, growing fresh produce, and raising chickens from my backyard for my family.

This journey made me realize how food insecure my community was, and I needed to learn how to be more self-sufficient.

AC: In the summer of 2001, I had the chance to work in Costa Rica.

There, I saw many foods typically imported to Canada growing in their natural environment. This made me realize my own ignorance about where my food came from, who grows it, and how it’s grown. I reflected on the disconnection to food and the lack of food education, especially in urban areas.

JH: I was an urban kid who grew up in an apartment with no access to land. I longed to go into the gardens on my block, but never found a way in. In university I studied how groups organize around food.

I started community gardening as a student, and then studied them, building my career out of this evolution.

What are some common misconceptions about family farms, women in farming, and farming-related businesses in general?

OB: When people think of farming, they don’t think of a young Black woman. That idea of what farming is deters a lot of people who look like me from pursuing agriculture—they don’t imagine a space where they will be welcome. This is the North American context, but if you look at developing countries, women are many of the stakeholders and the face of farming. For whatever reason it doesn’t translate in North America.

When you want to get into agriculture, it’s difficult. The cost of farmland is really expensive, being able to finance it or have the capital to start—and this is all before being able to put a seed in twhe ground— and ensuring that you are able to pay staff fair wages. This makes it challenging to start anything like that in Canada.

AC: There is a lot of romanticizing of farms and farming. It is certainly idyllic and lives up to what people imagine farming to be like, in some ways; it’s a privilege to work outside, be connected to nature, and it is gratifying and meaningful work for those who pursue it. Beyond internal conversations amongst growers, in the portrayal of farming to the public, there is a lot of romanticizing of the work and no shortage of pretty vegetable pictures. There is nothing wrong with this, but smallscale organic growers can use a lot more systemic support from different levels of government to strengthen the industry through things like policies that would make land more affordable and accessible for farmers, support education and training programs for ecological growers, provide start-up grants for new and young farmers, and address barriers facing Black, Indigenous, and racialized farmers.

JH: There are a few major misconceptions I routinely see. One is that fresh food should be cheaper, when in fact it should be more valued, FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 23

“

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COVID-19 has brought up issues that perhaps help us to better understand the food system (the need for diversity of food, crops, and people growing them).

and farmers should see more money for the work they do. Another is that women aren’t very involved in farming, although they are. There’s also the misconception that farmers are landowners and doing things by themselves, when frequently they are renting, and much farming is done by migrant farmworkers. Finally, there’s the idea that farming needs to happen on one large tract of land (again, that the farmer owns), when in many cases people are farming small plots or working at several locations.

People often talk about getting more women involved in STEM. Does the same sort of push for awareness need to be brought forward for women and farming? If so, what would you suggest?

I read an article saying enrollment for agriculture programs has gone up substantially in Canada (https://www.country-guide.ca/ guide-business/agricultural-education-is-hot-and-enrolment-is-booming-from-coast-to-coast/). More women are taking on leadership roles in agriculture. The idea of what farming looks like needs to adapt so it’s more inclusive, including everyone’s understanding of what a farmer looks like. [There is an] evolution towards vertical gardening, hydroponics, and microgreens, and the people within the industry are changing, and [the industry] needs to become more inclusive.

OB:

AC: I know as many female-identifying farmers as I do male-identifying farmers. However, female farmers and their voices may not be as present in media and they may be under-represented. Increasing the representation of female farmers and their voices and their work, so that young women interested in farming can have female role models, would open possibilities in people’s minds about women’s potential in agriculture.

JH: We need more support for BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and people of colour) women and communities to farm—money, land, and programs. We need more money in general to flow towards small farms, farmers, and migrant farm workers, as well as community infrastructure that supports farming (shared tools, shared facilities, co-ops of various kinds).

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How has the recent support for farm-to-table eating influenced the popularity of farming and public perceptions of farmers/agricultural work?

OB: While this is important, there are many areas that are “food deserts” where it’s hard to find healthy local items to eat. In the area of Jane and Finch in Toronto, you’ll find fast foods on every corner and grocery stores that sell GMO produce at a 7 percent higher price tag than other communities, despite it being a predominately low-income area. At Green Thumbs, we use our elementary school gardens as a dynamic outdoor classroom to learn about gardening and natural science and engage in food activities in the Regent Park, St. James Town, and Cabbagetown communities. Sometimes the healthiest meal the kids get is what they pick from their garden, and it has impacted so many people on different levels. Imagine if there was a garden in every school.

For the most part, the popularizing of farming and the piquing of people’s curiosity in farming has made local agriculture a trendy, sexy thing. However, depending on your cultural background, this may not be the case. For many racialized communities, the connection to farming is not that distant, and the relation to farming may not always be a positive one, not something people are striving to do with their life. People’s or communities’ personal and historical connection to farming may not be an empowering one of land ownership, for example, but rather, negative connotations connected to slavery, migrant labour/labouring, etc. There may be family pressure not to enter farming. Therefore, on one hand there is a positive popularization of small farms and farmers and eating locally and organically—but on the other hand, in other communities, the food movement can be associated with food that is out of reach financially for many, and a lifestyle that represents a look backwards into the past, rather than an aspiration for the future. It’s all relative to where people are coming from, depending on their race, class, and cultural background.

AC:

There has been a recent surge in families embracing elements of farm or rural living into their everyday life, even in urban environments. How do you suggest families, schools, and communities get started?

OB: School and community gardens are becoming an important staple.

Organizations are trying to figure out how to get gardens in every school. For those who want to get the conversation in their own community going, I suggest checking out the Guide to School Gardens created by the Durham Region that covers who you need to contact, how to get started, and other important things to consider when getting started, like who is going to care for the gardens over summer break.

In a recent conversation with my colleague, Wayne Roberts, we noted there have been a series of waves that have influenced public perception of farming. We ended up exploring different metaphors for what is happening these days. We tried the metaphor of tornado, i.e., things are moving quickly lately, and farming has been picked up (but is perhaps just as likely to be dumped to the ground when the winds die down). We also talked about how local food and farming comes in and out of fashion, but the price of food (and what people are willing to pay) is much more real as an indicator of how much people value local food and subsequently, to some degree, the farmers growing it.

For example, some research has shown that university students will pay 2 cents more but not 3 cents on the dollar for fair trade or organic food.

With COVID-19, people are feeling a loss of control, so people turn to grocery stores for comfort food almost as often, or more often, than turning to farmers for healthy food. We’re all seeking some measure of comfort and control in a challenging time.

JH:

How do you think farming is going to continue to evolve for future generations?

OB: I’m optimistic that farming is going to become more sustainable, implementing regenerative agricultural practices, with people sourcing food locally. Things like backyard chickens—I have three—are becoming a more common part of the urban environment. A lot of the youth in my community are disconnected from how their food is grown or where it comes from. Being able to gain first-hand experience in raising and interacting with my chickens from eggs, collecting my chickens’ laying eggs, and being able to go into my yard and pick peas, garden eggs, okra, and tomatoes is providing an education to many youth in my community that they normally would not have access to.

Families want to eat local food, but there is a blind spot between the fresh food available and what specific communities actually eat. Those who can become vendors or suppliers to restaurants and schools tend to lack diversity. In contrast, when I grow okra, callaloo, or certain cabbages, people come and share their favourite family recipes, and how they cook the food. In sharing that, the farm-to-table experience creates such a connection.

I see the value in my own kids raising chickens from eggs to hens and understanding the value of food and the work that goes into farming all around to make sure we have something to eat. The little that I do in the backyard, you see that positive impact on kids. Things like this might inspire someone to try something out or consider agriculture professionally.

It has become popular and trendy to go to a farmers’ market and support local farmers and encourage the community to eat locally and in season, which has allowed people to feel more connected to their food.

Some children I teach don’t recognize that their food comes out of the ground, and by showing them how beets or carrots or other crops grow, they’re now making that connection. It also allows kids to learn what farming and farmers really look like. They get to meet the local farmers, learn their practices, and provide more transparency. In our school programs, the kids are outdoors in the garden in the spring and fall, and in the winter, they move indoors and gear lessons towards culinary [skills], food preservation, natural science programs.

As we are seeing with the pandemic, when the stability of our society and the things we normally take for granted are shaken up and frivolous material things or activities fall away, we are forced to ask ourselves what are the most important things in life and what elements of society are really “essential”—food, sourcing food, and access to quality healthy food will inevitably top the list. As more and more people come to this realization, that food is really so essential, as is protecting the natural spaces that are needed for food production and the growers who are needed to produce this food—I think the interest in farming will continue to grow. However, small farms, small farmer livelihoods, and competition against the corporate giants of our industrial food system—these challenges will remain. And so, if the growth in people’s interest in farming is to be matched with people’s ability to enter the farming sector, and not just enter the sector but be able to stay in it and actually grow and evolve in it (literally and figuratively) as a sustainable career and livelihood... then systemically and politically, we have a lot more advocacy work to do, in addition to food growing.

AC:

Lately, in a climate of unmanageable risks, people are seeking to connect to local food. COVID-19 has brought up issues that perhaps help us to better understand the food system (the need for diversity of food, crops, and people growing them; [issues around] equity and fair conditions for agriculture workers; bees, plant health, and climate change concerns). I see that many young people and urban folks want to farm, but the larger trend is that fewer people are farming overall, and the farming population is aging. We need to deepen our relationships to the land and to the diverse people who are farming it.

ORGANIZATIONS & RESOURCES to support Black Creek Community Farm WWW.BLACKCREEKFARM.CA

Durham Region – A Guide to School Gardens WWW.DURHAM.CA/EN/HEALTH-AND-WELLNESS/RESOURCES/ DOCUMENTS/SCHOOLHEALTH/SCHOOLGARDENGUIDE.PDF

Green Thumbs Growing Kids GREENTHUMBSTO.ORG

The Farming Game NESFP.ORG/UPDATES/2018/2/1/DECOLONIZING-FOOD-SYSTEM )

UBC Campus Farm UBCFARM.UBC.CA

Seeds of Diversity WWW.SEEDS.CA

Ecological Farmers Association of Ontario EFAO.CA

Garden Jane WWW.GARDENJANE.COM

UrbanHensTO pilot program WWW.TORONTO.CA/COMMUNITY-PEOPLE/ANIMALSPETS/PETS-IN-THE-CITY/BACKYARD-HENS

FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 25

On-screen and off-screen, a Toronto Black women-led production company is taking charge of their narratives and giving Black youth a chance.

The OYA Media Group, headed by ALISON DUKE and NGARDY CONTEH GEORGE is committed to the ongoing support, education and promotion of young Black filmmakers. The OYA EMERGING FILMMAKERS PROGRAM (formally known as Black Youth!

Pathway to Industry) is a three-year initiative that provides twenty post-secondary graduated Black youth per year, networking, mentoring, essential skills training alongside industry pros and creative partnerships with Tiff Education, Regent Parks Film Festival Live it to Learn it, NABET 700_M Unifor, VTape, Charles Street Video, LIFT and Trinity Square Video. OYA makes a point of employing emerging Black youth in their original productions such as ‘Mr. Jane and Finch’ and encourages producers to hire Black youth in projects they direct such as ‘Cool Black North’. This mandate is in place to change the widespread anti-Black racism in the industry and unconscious belief that quality is compromised when you make diversity a choice. This year Canadian Screen Award Winning Director Alicia K. Harris will

be the Program’s Filmmaker in Residence. Alicia will be working with Year 3 Participants to create an original Digital Webseries produced within the program.

OYA’s program provides opportunities for youth to direct exciting original content with industry professionals. Last year the Fabienne Colas Foundation in collaboration with the Toronto Black Film Festival teamed up with the OYA EMERGING FILMMAKERS PROGRAM to provide production support, training and mentorship to six youths to direct a series of short documentary. The doc program called ‘Being Black in Toronto’ aims to change old narratives and expand beyond one-dimensional portrayals of the Black community.

The project, entirely written and directed by the youth and screened at the foundation’s film festivals in Toronto, Halifax and Montreal and festivals throughout North America. The series will premiere on CBC’s Absolutely Canada in late August, or early September.

THE FILMS ARE YYZ - directed by Omolola Ajao (Lola Rachel) The Onyx Butterfly directed by Yasmin Evering-Kerr Blacksun directed by Adrian Wallace Tallawah Abroad directed by Sharine Taylor #Black directed by Yvano Wickham-Edwards (Yvano Antonio) Joseph, Margaret and I directed by Valerie Amponsah Participants also produced ‘Confessions’ a short fiction film about consent that was directed by Kristen Lambie and produced by Malachi Ellis and Wanda Muna Youssouf as a group project. A sneak peak of the film was shown during our year two graduation along with four cash awards of $500 donated by local artist, Sarde.

The award winners were: David Peddle, Crew member of the Year for working on every single production, Sonya Mwanda, Editor of the Year for her work on ‘Confessions’, Yasmin Director of the

Year for her beautifully crafted short film, ‘The Onyx Butterfly’ and Producer of the year, ‘Malachi Ellis’ for his work on Confessions.

Television director, Dawn Wilkinson (How to Get Away with Murder, Empire, Locke and Key) was presented with the inaugural OYA Inspired Award for being such an inspiration to the next generation of filmmakers. And presented with a photographic piece from artist Anique Jordan.

SOME OF THE QUOTES FROM THE YOUTH: “Since 2018 to 2020 there has been exponential growth through OYA Media Group and through the Pathways to Industry program because they trusted me and they trusted my skills and they gave me an opportunity that I never would have had”

“We got a lot of on set experience in the program. They would always have these job boards in front of the old office. First thing you’d see when you walk in was this big board and they had jobs within their company, jobs in the industry and then internship opportunities. All these lists. From there, we got two opportunities to work on Mr. Jane & Finch and Cool Black North. That was your way in as a production assistant.”

YVANO (YEAR 1)

FIONA (YEAR 1)

The participants go through a rigorous selection process every year.

OYA will introduce their twenty-one cohorts for year 3 next month as well as a slate of new partnerships including xoTO, Insight Productions, the juggernaut TV production company which produces the Juno Awards, The Amazing Race Canada and Big Brother Canada to name a few. OYA is also teamed up with commercial production companies as well as with WIFT-T for a new paid internship initiative.

We have been inundated with opportunities for the youth in our program who are graduates of post-secondary film, television and Digital media programs who are looking for a way into the industry after they graduation. We are so thrilled that people are stepping up but in order to make a difference these partnerships need to be sustainable.

OYA MEDIA GROUP has several feature documentaries projects in development including the feature doc This Land of Ours and VR project Wa’Omoni Rising directed by Ngardy Conteh George, a feature documentary Mothering in the Movement directed by Laurie Townshend and Bam Bam: The Story of Sister Nancy directed by Alison Duke.

OYA is also developing a documentary series Black Canadian Mixtapes and a fiction series called Paradise.

@oyamediagroup @oya-media-group

“They have all these great workshops that these filmmakers and creatives are able to work in. As well as giving a lot of opportunities outside just workshops. For me, I was able to work on a Netflix set. I was also able to work on a Tim Hortons commercial.”

“We watch music videos all the time but having an actual director like Director X come in and able to see the process from start to finish. He showed us breakdowns and how’d he’d pitch music videos to artists and the labels. It was really informative to see the entire process from start to finish.”

YASMIN (YEAR 2)

AKASH (YEAR 2)

relationships

my mother is my best friend WE’VE COME A LONG WAY BABY! WO R D S B Y NA I MA K A R P

Mother–daughter relationships are forces of nature and can be among the most powerful bonds that exist in this world. They’re simultaneously filled with beauty, frustration, destructiveness, and rebirth.

A mother’s place in society has always been to doubt herself—from pregnancy to postpartum. So, when we embark on the journey of motherhood, it’s filled with self-scrutiny instead of celebration of baby steps and major accomplishments alike.

We need to start giving mothers more confidence instead of dismissing them or pitting them against each other until they can’t see their own worth. When I look at my own mother, I ruminate on our relationship and the many complicated journeys it has undergone over the years. I’m grateful for every one of them. Today, I proudly call her my best friend. She’s a startling reflection of myself and the first person I call when things are going south. Mothers see themselves in their daughters, and I find that our similarities, not our differences, were often the reason we would butt heads when I was younger.

My mother had me at the age of 40 in December 1991. A few days later, with me wrapped in her arms, we stayed awake hours past my dad and brother, watching the Times Square ball descend as 1992 arrived.

My brother was born prematurely six years before me. My mom had tough pregnancies with both of us but remembers being particularly insecure over her lack of experience with my brother. Her first time getting pregnant was a breeze, but it wasn’t as easy when it came to me a few years later. After she found out I was a girl, everything changed for her, as she says, “not because of my age—but because I knew that this was when I had to step up and be to my daughter the mother I wanted to have.”

My mother is too kind to me when it comes to our rollercoaster of an emotional evolution, saying that from her end, there were “so many highs and few lows.” We both value the lessons learned from the difficult times, and she remembers trying to make it through those moments with superhuman strength, “like mothers who lift cars off

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their babies.” She was never the mom to leave me crying with modern self-soothing tactics. She swaddled me in love and support from every birthday to my graduation. Some would call it coddling, but I feel lucky to have someone with her warmth and light in my corner.

I may have received the purest concentration of her love, but she always treated those around her with equal support and empathy. My mom was a teacher at the same school I attended, and while this was sometimes an overwhelming embarrassment at the time, I look back with such pride at the role she took on with her students. Though strict at times and not afraid to call kids out, she created a safe space that left a legacy of compassion around her name and reputation. I remember often waiting outside her classroom after school as she had a heart-to-heart with a student that needed to get something off their chest, academic or personal.

I went to a private school with kids whose parents had a much higher income bracket than ours. Think pretentious middle schoolers in designer outfits chauffeured to school in limos. It wasn’t my scene, and I acted out by spending time with older kids in my neighborhood who often skipped out on school, drank, and smoked. I fibbed when she had suspicions, which created an environment of mistrust and bad energy. I could tell she was acting out of fear, helplessness, and protectiveness, which she confirmed years later in our adult relationship.

As an older mother, she went through menopause when I was still rather young and went through all the ups and downs of the hormonal insecurity and paranoia. Our house was a constant freezer due to her hot flashes. With such a gap in our age, I could barely grasp what menopause was, and I found myself irritated with this erratic behavior coming from a generally logical person. Due to the late onset of her menopause, she produced an excess of estrogen, which led to breast cancer. Luckily, with some experimental medication, she found herself in remission and never had to do chemotherapy.

relationships

I had already suffered from depression, and my mom’s diagnosis made things worse.

When I went through mental health struggles as a teen and self-harmed, my mother walked in on me in the act, cutting my thigh. Some might have responded by closing the door and walking out, or having their own emotional breakdown, but my mother reacted with the instincts of fierce love that she always has, channeling it into a rage as she grabbed the knife from me, telling me that she gave birth to me, and she wouldn’t stand by and watch me hurt myself. And although that might seem like a tense moment between us, what came through was the same quality that demonstrated her strength as a mother—that the priority was to love me and make sure I felt loved.

This priority was essential to her, as my grandmother and mother have always had a rocky relationship. My grandma experienced her own mother’s trauma, which caused her to devalue love, ultimately affecting my mom and her childhood. My mother recently found her peace and closure after a discussion with my grandma, who lives in a nursing home. At the time, she was 68 years old, and my grandmother was 100. I’m so grateful that my mother and I never let resentment or pettiness settle in our own relationship and that we were always able to break things down in conversation. Mom is a goddess of optimism, which is another major reason that she’s my person. Through all her tumultuous life experiences, she never stopped believing in love and relationships, and she passed that value on to me.

I mentioned that the two of us can be a mirror image of each other at times. In her words, we are each other’s “reflection, but it’s all flipped—a 2.0 version.” She sees and understands my struggles, and I see hers.

Sometimes they’re very different, and sometimes not at all.

Last year, I got married. I live in Toronto now, and the toughest part of leaving New York City behind hasn’t been losing the city, but not being able to see Mom on a daily basis. After my wedding, she felt a new sense of security that she could finally pass the baton, and I had another guardian angel in my husband.

With COVID-19, I haven’t seen her since last year, and it kind of feels like a vital organ is missing. My friends and husband are an incredible support system, but there’s nothing that feels better than just sitting next to her, having her play with my hair as we sip lattes together, our unspoken collage of shared experiences laid out around us.

Our love is still growing today, and I’m eternally grateful for that.

Nowadays, we lift each other up in moments of weaknesses and cheerlead each other on to our own self-confidence and positivity.

Our trust has grown tenfold, as has our ability to listen and actually hear one another. Rather than fumbling with loose ends that require closure, we hold hands and walk side by side as we learn life together.

FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 29

#1 New Release on Amazon

Cleopatra’s

RICHES

How to Earn, Grow, and Enjoy Your Money to Enrich Your Life with a Celebrity Foreword by Bob Proctor of The Secret

www.marthaadamsmedia.com The path to true Financial EmPOWERment™ starts right here!

@marthaadamsmedia

The Positive Financial Conversation with Martha Adams

wellness

Financial Empowerment In A Family Business WO R D S B Y M A RT H A A DA M S

rather than the numbers associated with it. What if we removed all the complexities of the broader conversations, and started with something much simpler? You! A family business is exactly that — a business that belongs to the family. It’s a delicate balance of past, present and future that teeters on a fine line between the hard numbers of business and the complex emotions of familial bonds.

The business itself can fill the next generation with feelings of pride for the legacy they are carrying on, but at the same time, can also bring on feelings of loss of identity while trying to live up to a mountain of expectations — balancing new, forward-looking enthusiasm for the bottom line with deeply rooted family traditions. While the numbers are at the forefront of any business, there’s an added layer of emotions that come with family businesses, and that’s where this conversation really needs to start.

As a Certified Financial Planner and financial educator, when I work with family businesses and the multiple generations that they encompass, the feeling of loss of identity is one of the most common feelings that surface in the conversation. What it boils down to is that we’re dealing with one generation — seasoned, experienced and knowledgeable — on one side of the conversation, and another generation — excited, motivated and ready to make their mark — on the other side. Conflict inevitably arises.

When it comes to facilitating this transition, especially when it comes to tackling the financial conversation, in my experience, it’s more important to begin by discovering and resolving the feelings behind this new change

A SENSE OF BELONGING As someone who has joined the family business, the younger generation likely has visions, ideas, and a sense of excitement for what could be. However, all too often, these intentions can get overtaken by the role that ends up being assigned to you in the business.

As a result, the incoming generation often feels that they’re entering as an employee rather than an owner with a contributing voice. A key idea that I encourage is to focus on the initial feeling of excitement and reconnect to the meaning the business has to you.

It’s in focusing on the positive feelings that will help to build a sense of belonging — you do belong in the business, and the business does belong to you.

BUILDING ON POSITIVE EMOTIONS To avoid feelings of displacement and loss, remind yourself why it was that you joined the business in the first place, and reconnect to the visions and ideas that you had.

Whether those ideas are still applicable today or not isn’t the focus here. The purpose is to reconnect to those positive feelings to allow for your contributing ideas to surface.

This exercise pulls you out of feeling like an employee to feeling like a valuable owner who belongs.

This also allows you to connect to the business on an emotional level beyond the weighted feelings of expectations that you may be feeling. To do this, think about the

question: “What does the business mean to me?” When you answer, be sure to focus on your perspective — not anyone else’s.

MEANINGFUL FINANCIAL EMPOWERMENT To start building a real sense of ownership, we started with positive feelings of belonging and what it means to be a valued and contributing owner of the family business. Now, with those positive feelings in place, the business has a meaning that only belongs to you, and what you’ve done is to bring a sense of self to your role, adding value and generating ideas for the business.

Ideas and passion drive income, and the heart-led income drives the financial conversation through a positive connection. Your connection and ownership of the business builds your connection and ownership of its finances, making it the financial conversation one that you want to have! When you find your voice, it makes the financial conversation about the business, and that conversation about the business includes you!

Martha Adams is a certified

financial planner (CFP), financial educator, international bestselling author and speaker.

Martha is the author of Cleopatra’s Riches: How to Earn, Grow, and Enjoy Your Money to Enrich Your Life and international keynote and motivational speaker.

Learn more about Martha Adams @marthaadamsmedia facebook.com.groups/marthaadams www.marthaadamsmedia.com

FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 31

inspiration

Meet

TAYLOR DHAMO WORDS BY SARA MAGINN PACELLA PHOTOS BY ELZA PHOTOGRAPHIE

Taylor first felt that something was wrong at 17 years old, when a pain in her hip (presumed to be a sports injury) progressed into her back. It took two years of persistence, pain, frustration, and being told that it was all in her head before she was given a diagnosis. A few years later, the aggressive tumors came back, impacting her future fertility, mobility, and quality of life. Now in her early 30s, Taylor is a mom, health advocate, and inspiration for perseverance.

The following interview excerpts have been edited for clarity and brevity.

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How quickly did things move once you got your initial diagnosis?

How have your decisions and treatment impacted your relationships?

After an MRI in Buffalo, I dropped it [the results] off at my sports therapist’s office on a Friday night. When they saw something that needed attention, they sent it to a neurosurgeon. I had a call that Sunday to come in on Monday morning. They found a tumor the size of a plum in my spine that had grown into the nerves that operate my right leg and bowel. My life changed in an instant. Surgery was scheduled for Thursday. I had no time to prepare and had to sign wavers acknowledging that I might not walk again. The surgery was successful, my surgeon did an amazing job and got 95 percent of the tumor, and I had full use of my functions and a diagnosis of Intramedullary Myxopapillary Ependymoma (a rare and aggressive benign tumour that my doctor believed was probably a one-time thing).

I met the man who is now my husband when I was 24, and things got serious after about a year of dating. I had never discussed my medical history in detail, so a year and a half into our relationship, I told him I wouldn’t be able to have kids. He was supportive and said we’d take everything one day at a time.

Just one month after this conversation, they found a tumor between my shoulder blades. The location of this tumor meant I could lose all function below my shoulders. My sister and parents had been my support through previous surgeries and treatments. My husband did such an amazing job taking care of me that my family knew that he was the one. Thankfully, I was okay and even gardening a few weeks after surgery. We got engaged, but as our wedding approached, so did my anxiety. I had never made it to four clean MRIs, and when I got my fourth clean MRI, I was able to relax and enjoy our honeymoon in Italy. During our honeymoon, we discovered, despite all odds, that I was pregnant. It was a high-risk pregnancy, but it turned out to be uneventful, and my tiny but healthy daughter Nova was born.

What difficult decisions have you had to make over the course of your treatments?

After the first time the tumor came back, they had to radiate through my reproductive organs. I was barely 20 and was told that if I wanted kids, I needed to freeze eggs and consider surrogacy. It was a lot to handle and at 23. I was very “out of sight out of mind,” and I decided it wasn’t the end of the world if I couldn’t have kids.

How did you cope with post-partum depression?

I barely listened to doctors about warning signs for post partum depression, and then when Nova was nine months old, it hit. For the first time in my life, I feared the tumors and not being around for Nova as she grew up. I called my mother 14 times a day in tears. I didn’t leave my daughter’s side. My husband eventually arranged for me to go to New York with a friend for a weekend, and despite my fears that everything would go wrong, it was okay, and I finally started to get better and slowly got my head back to where it used to be.

Around the time you turned 30, you were diagnosed with pseudo angiomatous stromal hyperplasia (PASH), a rare, noncancerous breast lesion, and your original spinal tumor had started to grow back, but you wanted to give Nova a sibling before you underwent more radiation.

Tell me about that.

I found an amazing naturopath and we began a “hail Mary” approach to supplements that would help reduce tumor growth—my vitamin cabinet was obscene. My next MRI showed the tumor had shrunk, and my doctors gave me the option of trying to get pregnant but cautioned that if I wasn’t pregnant by January, I’d have to undergo surgery and radiation that wouldn’t allow me to get pregnant. It turned out I was already pregnant at that meeting with my doctor, so we were months ahead of schedule, but I had to stop my cycle of supplements to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

How was this pregnancy different than your first?

One day, at six weeks pregnant, I felt something warm and uncomfortable. I realized I might be having a miscarriage. I went to the hospital, and it was suspected that I may have miscarried a twin, but there was another baby thriving. I was relieved, but three weeks later when I started bleeding again, they said everything was normal.

At 15 weeks, my cervix started to shorten; I had to undergo a couple of small medical procedures throughout my highly monitored pregnancy, and all with modified bed FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 33

inspiration

rest, with a three-year-old by my side. I made it to the end of pregnancy for a C-section birth because she was breach. My daughter was healthy and strong. Unfortunately, my post-pregnancy MRI revealed the hormones had made the tumor grow to five times its original size, and [it had] wrapped around scar tissue from previous surgeries. I put my daughter on formula and went in for surgery that same week.

How was this surgery different than the others?

This was the first time I woke up with nerve damage after surgery; I could feel everything in my right leg, and then I lost feeling below my right knee. I was lying in the hospital, experiencing postpartum hair loss and stress, and I had to learn to walk again. I kept on falling, and I panicked about how I’d manage to take care of my kids if I couldn’t walk. I was scared about dropping my baby. My husband is amazing at not letting me go to too dark of a place. When I came home, my 3 and half-year-old understood she had to help me with her baby sister. I am so fortunate to have my mom and mother-in-law and such a strong family to help me get through this.

I learned to walk, but with no feeling. Then that winter, I broke my ankle at the grocery store because without feeling, you can’t adjust to stabilize. When March hit, the pandemic aligned with my radiation treatment. As an immune-compromised new mom, we moved to Cambridge to live with my parents for support. I finished radiation the Monday after Mother’s Day.

What are some of the most important lessons you want to teach your children?

Don’t be scared of life. I was a cautious kid growing up—one of my nicknames was “Chicken of the Universe.” The biggest lesson I’ve learned from everything was from those four years I spent not dealing with tumors but spent so much time worrying. If I can teach them not to be nervous, that would be the best lesson. For my future, there are no guarantees, there is no cure, you must keep moving forward.

You are taking time away from your days by being scared.

What are you reading, watching, or listening to right now?

I finished The Sympathizer by Viet Thanh Nguyen and, considering

34 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020

the tone of society right now, this book written about Vietnamese refugees coming to the USA is really interesting to read, paralleling life right now. After I finished this book, I downloaded a Vietnam-themed war playlist. It led me back to one of my favourite soundtracks, Good Morning, Vietnam. That soundtrack brings back childhood memories of my dad putting [the movie] on during the weekend and my sister and I knowing it was time to do chores. I grew up listening to classic rock with my dad, and I’m happy to introduce my daughters to this music. I love the Lord Of The Rings films and often have them on in the background while I’m working in the evening. I am also a huge fan of classic Kung Fu movies!

What accomplishments are you most proud of?

Not to be the corny mom, but being a mom. It’s not something that I ever thought I could do, and it’s something that I convinced myself, for a while, that I didn’t want. Every mom is willing to put their life on the line for their kids, and being able to show myself that I can put my life on the line to have a healthy baby and to be what my kids need is a huge accomplishment. It’s one of those things, like a happy accident, where you can see what you’re capable of doing despite people telling you it’s not going to happen.

relationships

Avocado Toast: THIS MILLENNIAL WEB SERIES IS A NEW FORM OF THERAPY WO R D S B Y N A I M A K A R P

Avocado Toast is the perfect name for the adventures of two millennial BFFs navigating the complicated process of adulting. Their parents and the rest of the world misunderstand them. To be fair, they don’t even really understand themselves.

This Canadian web series is a take on Workin’ Moms set in the years before the women become mothers, when they are advancing to other milestones in their lives. This is fitting, since one of the leading ladies, Perrie Voss, worked on the Workin’ Moms TV series herself.

The show follows the complicated trajectory of two childhood BFFs as they grow out of childhood and blossom into the fiery, independent goddesses that we get to know as Molly, played by Heidi Lynch, and Elle, played by Perrie Voss. The banter is hilariously relatable, but so are the more vulnerable moments of the show. *Caution: Spoilers ahead for several Season 1 episodes, including the finale.

A rift occurs between the two friends when Molly comes back after living in London for a couple of years, only to surprise her bestie with a new morsel of knowledge—she’s into women. One woman, to be precise, as she tells Elle, “I’m just Molly” after being asked about her orientation.

Even though Molly’s mom and Elle celebrate this news, it’s still a complicated journey of self-exploration for Molly. She works in a high school, where she eventually has a breakdown about her newfound bisexuality. While questioning her own identity, Molly takes it a step further by breaking up with her London lover, since she isn’t quite ready to take further steps in the relationship while coming out to the world.

Molly’s best friend Elle is going through something just as intense, though different.

Her mom and dad are getting divorced, and Elle has just witnessed her mother’s infidelity with a much younger man.

Sometimes it’s hard to pack all the themes they cover into their 10- to 15-minute mini-episodes. Still, the creators manage to do it in a refreshing yet heartfelt way that touches on nuances of nostalgia, going out of our comfort zones, and growing into the person we are beyond our childhood fantasies of ourselves.

Another relatable theme in this web series is the intangible millennial concept of self-care that we’ve prioritized but still can’t really define. In episode 3, Molly tries to find herself through various outlets, like adult colouring books and yoga poses. But later in the episode, her friend tucks her into bed, offering a dose of steadfast comfort and familiarity.

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Are all those other things acts of self-care, or is this intimate moment an act of healing in itself ?

In episode 5, Elle has an apparent vendetta against her mom’s new man. It makes sense since her dad is deeply hurt and hiding away in their cottage up north. But it’s also a poignant moment that shows how we never really grow up when it comes to relationships with our mothers. We’re transported back to that helpless and angsty tween who feels as though their world is crumbling.

When Molly comes out to her mother, her mother surprises the audience with her own reveal—she’s been in a polyamorous relationship with her husband for years. Both Elle and Molly’s moms are woke for their respective generations (Elle tells her friend, “Your mom gave my mom her first vibrator in the ’70s,”) but still, Molly is shocked and slightly disturbed.

In a later episode, Elle and Molly attempt to tackle self-care once again by reconnecting with nature at Elle’s childhood cabin, where her father is staying. Unfortunately, the opposite ensues. The two get into a blowout fight, and it’s a raw one that many of us can relate to. Issues from over the years start to bubble up, eventually leading to Elle explaining her desire to sabotage her mother’s new relation-

relationships

ship. Molly declares, “I don’t think I want to be friends with someone who can’t handle it when I’m calling them out because they’re being a c*nt.” Elle feels like friends should support each other even when they’re making bad decisions, and Molly wholeheartedly disagrees.

mothers for a moment, which is threatening not just for their kids, but for society. As co-creator Lynch put it to me, “I think mothers especially receive mountain loads of unfair

Elle finally lets her guard down with a new relationship and embarks on her new professional venture, whereas Molly runs off to England to win back her ex-lover’s heart. Fights

pressure to be perfect and completely selfless 24/7.”

between long-term friends aren’t always solved with quick apologies and emotional hugs. Sometimes, childhood friendships have an expiration date, require personal space to reflect, or start again entirely from scratch.

This show dismantles all the stereotypes of millennials (aren’t you obsessed with the title?) but also those of their parents’ generation, which is a perspective we don’t see from too many shows.

The fight is painful, but real. It’s the most broken-down moment of honesty we’ve seen between the two so far, and we can understand both sides. Do you support your friend through the car wreck you see coming? Or do you warn them of the ensuing disaster for the sake of their own well-being?

Their relationships with their parents are very different, which is perhaps why the women see things from such opposing perspectives. Molly has always had a close and open relationship with her mom, while Elle’s mother–daughter relationship hasn’t always been smooth sailing, especially since the two of them run a company together.

Elle often pokes her mother with ageist jabs, reminding her that a client passed up a collaboration to go for a “younger and more current ad agency.” After the epic cottage face-off, Elle returns to work, only to tell her mother that she plans to start her own company.

Yet an important takeaway from this millennial show is the parental perspective. Moms deserve to be happy too! Still, they feel a need to “put a smile on forever for the sake of our adult children.” These moms may have reached certain milestones, but they deserve romance and happiness, even if it isn’t with a conventional or fairytale ending.

Themes of self-judgment and internalized shame are dominant for all the maternal characters in this show, beyond Molly’s coming out. They portray how, regardless of whether the world judges us, we will always judge ourselves first, and they show that self-acceptance is the most important step.

Elle’s mother is shamed by society (including her daughter) in an ageist way for wanting to be with a younger man, while Molly’s mom is judged for her casual sexcapades within her long and faithful marriage. These parts of their lives take them out of the roles of

The moms have a touching conversation in which Molly’s mom tells her friend, “We have to choose not to be shamed.” Afterward, the two drink and dance, and for a moment, they don’t seem very different at all from their 30-something daughters. No matter how old we get, we’re never really done learning new things about ourselves. Lynch explains, “I think the power of creating narrative content is that by exploring these moments where characters work through moments of internalized shame and then grow to a place of self-acceptance, maybe we (as audience) can learn to be kinder and gentler with ourselves when going through those same moments.”

Some might complain that the conflicts at the end remain unresolved, but I believe that’s part of what makes Avocado Toast stand out from a crowd of neatly tied-up season finales.

You can easily binge Avocado Toast in a couple of hours, and by the end, you’ll feel like the third leg of the tripod in Molly and Elle’s weird and wonderful friendship. In the next season, we can look forward to further explorations of topics like race and privilege, which Season 1 set the foundation for. As Heidi Lynch puts it, “The beauty of getting to develop a second season is now that we have characters established, we can dig deeper.”

Catch Avocado Toast on

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inspiration

Anh Pham MEET

QUESTIONS BY SARA MAGINN PACELLA

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inspiration

TELL ME ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE OF RECEIVING A CANCER DIAGNOSIS WHILE PREGNANT? When my husband and I initially found out that we were having another baby we were so ecstatic. Our first child Maxton was going to have a sibling and was looking forward to being a big brother. We’ve always wanted a big family and we tried over a year with no success.

It was definitely a miracle that we were able to conceive again.

During the 1st trimester, I noticed that my breast was not the same as it was when I was pregnant with Maxton - it looked and felt very different. One day, I was in bed scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and I took notice to an ad about breast self-examination. I decided to do it right then and there and ended up feeling a lump within my left breast. At first, I thought it was one of my milk ducts but the more I did the self-examination I knew something was wrong. When I told my husband, he didn’t seem too concerned at the time. He said to let my family doctor know as I was set to see her for my 17 weeks OB appointment. As the day came for my appointment – I made mention in regards to the lump that I had discovered to my family doctor, to which she proceeded with a breast examination. She too did not seem to be concerned and said that it might be one of my milk ducts.

However, as I was scheduled for an ultrasound appointment, she made a request to have my breast scanned as well. During my ultrasound appointment, not only did we find out the gender of the baby but the technician noticed that the lump in my breast was solid. I was told to get a mammogram done right away. I was so scared and terrified for the baby but, the nurses and the technician had reassured me that it is safe for the baby. After the mammogram I got sent home to wait for my family doctor’s phone call. Within an hour my doctor called and said to come in right away. My heart was pumping, I started to think “OMG what if its cancer? What will happen to my baby? I can’t die, my family needs me. My baby is not even born yet.” So many negative thoughts were going through my head but I had to keep my cool in front of my family, especially for Maxton. When I got to my doctor’s office, she said that there is a suspicious tumour in my left breast.

However, she had greater concern about the lump next to the tumour.

I was recommended to see a Breast Surgical Oncologist and have a biopsy performed. I was numb. I didn’t know what to think or say at that time. I just held my son, crying and noticed that my doctor was also tearing up as well. My mom just rubbed my back and said that everything will be okay.

The next morning, I got a call from the breast surgeon office and they wanted me to come in right away. When I met the Breast Surgeon Oncologist (who is an incredible doctor) she was open and honest with me and said that there are two things that it can be. One - it is a benign or two - it is cancer. She said let’s hope and pray that it is not cancer. That same day I had three biopsies, two was done on my left breast and one was done on my right breast. I have to admit, it was very painful but I just kept my eyes closed and rubbed my belly so the baby knew that everything would be okay.

A week later, my husband and I went to see the Breast Surgeon Oncologist for the result. The moment that she walked into the room; I can see it in her face that something was not right. She looked at me and said, “I’m so sorry but it is cancer”. As I’m writing this right now, I can still feel the anxiety and fear that I felt on that day. She started to tear up and I held my husband and cried. I was in shock and didn’t know what else to say. The doctor then started to explain to me about the cancer and that it the most aggressive type of breast cancer. I was diagnosed with Stage III Triple Negative; it had spread to my lymph node because of the size of the tumour. At this time, I was already 22 weeks pregnant so she wanted to make sure that I was on

their top priority list throughout my cancer treatment. She referred me to one of her best Oncologists who happened to be my mom’s client at her shop. She was another incredible doctor that I was blessed to have as part of my cancer treatment team.

A week after my diagnosis, everything was a blur to me. I started chemo right away and had lost all of my hair within two weeks. I had 4 chemo treatments in less than 3 months. My Oncologist and my high-risk OB wanted me to have the baby one month early so I can continue my chemo treatment.

The day of my induction, the OB doctor said that my body would be under a lot of stress if I were to be induced. She said that she would need a few hours to discuss with all of my doctors if I could have a c-section. At this point, I was mentally exhausted and all I wanted was to have the baby. That’s when my baby Ashton was born at 35 weeks healthy and strong. He was able to breath on his own and was kept in NICU for only a week. He was our little warrior.

HOW DID YOU MANAGE CARING FOR A NEW BABY, AND RECOVERING FROM A C-SECTION WHILE RECEIVING CANCER TREATMENT? WHAT WERE THE MOST IMPORTANT SUPPORTS YOU HAD IN PLACE WHILE YOU RECEIVED TREATMENT? I started a different type of chemo treatment after my c-section.

During that week, I had multiple scans and one of them was called a bone scan which is done through nuclear medicine. I wasn’t able to hold my baby for 72 hours. It was so hard not to hold and kiss him.

My older son didn’t understand why he couldn’t go near his mom.

During the time that I was getting treatment, my family was my #1 support. I was lucky that my parents live with me so they were able to help me with the kids. My sister and her boyfriend moved in for a few weeks to help out. Maxton would sleepover at my brother’s house during the time that I was getting chemo. My husband’s work was able to accommodate his absences so he could take me to my FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 39

The most important thing that I’ve learned about myself through out my cancer journey is self-love

treatments. I had so much help from my family and all that I needed to do was to focus on healing.

HAS BATTLING CANCER CHANGED THE WAY YOU PARENT? IF SO, HOW? Yes, it had changed a lot. I don’t have the same energy as I used to.

There were days when I was able to run around and chase after the kids and then there are days when I just want to lie in bed all day.

Both of my kids have different needs. Maxton is 4 now and he’s starting to understand when to let mommy rest. He would come up with ideas on how to play with mommy while she’s lying down. But one of our favourite things to do is to watch movies and cuddle in bed.

During my chemo and recovery from surgery, Ashton was still a newborn. It was easy to take care of him because all he did was eat and sleep all day. Now that he is turning one soon, he is a lot busier.

I would try to find ways to keep him busy without tiring myself out.

What we would do most of the time now is go for long walks, which is good for me or, I would lay inside an octagon playpen and watch him play. When there are days that I have zero energy, my husband or a family member will help take care of the kids.

WHAT IS THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION YOU WERE ASKED DURING TREATMENT? No one really asked me inappropriate questions. I think they were more concerned about me and the baby. I’m pretty sure that if they had questions, they would just google my diagnosis and were able to get answers from there LOL! However, when I was pregnant and going through chemo, a lot of

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people would ask me “Is it safe for my baby? What will happen to him? Have you done your research? Are you sure this is what you want to do?”. I understand that everyone was worried and concerned and that it was okay to ask these questions. But all I could say to them is that I trusted my doctors and that they know what they are doing.

WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU’VE LEARNED ABOUT YOURSELF DURING YOUR JOURNEY SO FAR? The most important thing that I’ve learned about myself through out my cancer journey is self-love. I had always taken care of other people around me and never really took care of myself and my mental health. I learned to accept help from others and focus on getting better and understanding what I need. I started to eat clean, workout whenever I had the energy and most importantly, I learned to meditate to help clear my mind.

What helps is to change your mindset to think positive. Every morning I would say or write 3 things that I was grateful for. Then I would write 3 affirmations about self love and acceptance. At night before I went to bed, I would thank God and the universe for the day. The more you train your brain to think positive the more you’ll build confidence and learn to love yourself.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DISCOVERY OF REIKI AND YOUR WORK AS A REIKI PRACTITIONER TODAY? I discovered Reiki when I was pregnant. I was following a young girl from Montreal on Instagram that has Stage 4 Breast Cancer. She was

an inspiration to a lot of people especially in the cancer community.

She talked about Reiki and how it helped her cancer journey. So, I decided to do my own research and found my Reiki master name Daxa. I emailed her my story and right away she called me to book an appointment. It was 4 days before my induction when I saw her. I didn’t know what to expect and to be honest I was a little scared but when I met her, she made me feel comfortable and at peace. We talked for almost an hour and she said that she could help calm my anxiety.

I told her that my anxiety was not about the cancer but it was about giving birth. After my session with her, my body felt very light and I felt like I was floating. It was one of the best feelings that I’ve ever had in a long time. That’s when I knew Reiki was the key to what was missing in my life.

During my recovery from my surgery and radiation treatment, I had reconnected with an old friend on Facebook. She is also a breast cancer survivor and during one of our talks she mentioned being a Reiki practitioner and how she got certified by Daxa. That’s when I knew it was meant for me to take her course and learn more about Reiki. My intention of becoming a Reiki practitioner is to learn how to self heal and to help my family and friends.

WHAT MESSAGE WOULD YOU LIKE TO PROVIDE TO OTHER PARENTS COPING WITH A CANCER DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT? The one thing that I would suggest is to find a support system.

Whether it’s from your family, friends or cancer support groups. It is okay to ask for help and don’t feel bad for asking. One of the hardest things that I had to learn to do is accepting the help. I had always felt

bad for asking, because I never wanted to put the burden on other people. But there are times that I had no choice. I needed the help in order for me to get better. It also made my family and friends feel better knowing that they were able to help me.

There are so many cancer support groups in the community, so don’t feel bad for reaching out. Not everyone has family and friends that can help. The community offers free babysitting, cleaning services, cooking services, therapies etc. Take advantage of all the help you need. It will definitely ease your mind; you will have less stress and most importantly you can focus on yourself.

WHAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF? The one accomplishment that I am most proud of is to be able to take care of my family and still be able to take care of myself. I learned to slow down and focus on what’s in front of me and be in the moment.

If I felt tired, I was able to get extra help from my husband and my family so I could rest. If I have the energy and want to go for a jog or workout, I’ll ask my mom or my sister to watch the kids. I’ve learned that asking for help will only make things better for my well-being.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHEN THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC IS OVER? The first thing I want to do is book a trip to a tropical place with my family and friends. Our family vacations have always been a week or 10 days. But this time I would like to book 2 weeks or more. Only if my husband’s work allows it, LOL!

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wellness

CONFIDENCE IS I T SOM E THI NG YOU I NH E R I T OR SOM E THI NG YOU CA N L E A R N ?

Shawna Patruno is a Skin Care Therapist, Facial Expert and Model with over 10 years experience in the industry. She recently started her own global facial and wellness business and has a goal to change the face of beauty and love the skin their in.

@reawakeningbeauty www.reawakeningbeauty.com

I want you to sit and ponder how everything that you know is something that has been taught to you—and your reaction to it may not even be yours. The reason for this is that over time, we learn different thought patterns from the things we interact with, whether through our parents, our relatives, television, or society, and over time we start to develop a specific mindset pattern. But what if we could actually rewrite these patterns and finally break our generational bondage, be our best selves, and build real confidence?

I developed low confidence at an early age, and I believe this was due to the fact that my mom had also suffered from low confidence due to her mother’s limitations. I would often hear my mom say things like, “I’m not smart,” or, “I’m fat, I can’t eat that,” and over time, those were words I started saying to myself. It’s not that my mom was bad or even that she meant to teach me these things, it’s just something that she herself was taught.

As early as four years old, I remember pinching the skin on my stomach and saying to myself, “I am fat.” Looking back, I think it was an attempt to seek love and feel like I fit in after seeing my mom behave in a similar way. I started to mimic her behaviours much like a monkey does. I’ve since come to know that this is called a social norm; as humans, we mirror each other for acceptance and survival.

Now, we’ve all heard the phrase, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” but what if we could actually relearn what we were taught and break these limiting patterns so that we could grow our own tree from new soil?

I’m here to say that you can! It’s not going to be easy, but you can retrain your mind. Whatever limiting beliefs you’ve been taught through your family can be changed. I believe that you can relearn your thought patterns and become a more confident you. I know this because I have done it!

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Some of my previous limiting thoughts were that to be loved I needed to be skinny, smart, perfect, and beautiful! The problem was, I felt I was none of the above. This led to a severe eating disorder that almost killed me. This was a thought pattern that I learned from my mom, but I took it to an extreme. I was not receiving unconditional love at the time, and I was a perfectionist, and these factors set me on a path of self-destruction as I started searching for outside validation. I believe my mom also learned this mindset from her mom based on her own needs not being to met and not receiving unconditional love.

I inherited my beliefs from my mom, and my mom inherited her beliefs from her mom, and so on, leading to a lineage of low selfworth. But confidence is an inside job, people, passed down through generations and learned through our getting and needing behaviour.

As children we learn survival techniques—we cry to be fed and we learn how to get our needs met by adapting our behaviours to what pleases the individual providing for us. If we aren’t accepted for being ourselves, we can lack confidence. But this pattern can be broken by you today! You can start by retraining your mind to see the thought pattern, disrupt it, and not react to it. You can break down the meaning you have attached to your self-worth and realize that what you’ve learned is not actually you.

You are perfect, and you being you is enough! You are made of stardust, and it took billions and billions of events to have you here on this earth at this exact moment—and that is enough. One small step you can take is to start seeing a thought as just that—a thought—and to start replacing it with a statement like, “even though I think I am not smart enough, I love and accept me just as I am because I am enough just because I exist.” To explore further strategies, I recommend looking into emotional freedom technique, also known as EFT tapping, and reading The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. Feel free to reach out for more suggestions on how you can let go of your false identity, and if confidence is no longer an issue for you, keep up the great work!