Backstory

Bonding

And what constitutes marital longevity

We just crossed a major marital milestone: Our marriage is older than a millennial, more the age of a mid-Gen Xer. You’d think this might imbue us with the wisdom of age and experience and leave us with the sweet secrets of a lasting relationship. But life is full of surprises, so it’s dangerous to get too confident.

Our younger son Cal will be married in April, which leads me to reflect on what constitutes marital longevity. Some is by design, but most is guesswork. Conventional wisdom says discuss and agree on children, money and your central values. When you have no children and no money, it’s easy to establish your operating theories. And who doesn’t value mom, apple pie and baseball?

Like most newlyweds, we had no clue what life would serve up. We also had two very different sets of parents and parenting styles as examples. Mine were strict and protective. If I went out, my mother paced and peered through the front windows until I came home. When Dave was in high school, his left him in charge of the house while they went to Europe. They took the phone off the hook at 10 p.m. on weekends so their sleep wouldn’t be disturbed if he got into trouble. Which never happened. Of course, our landline is permanently off the hook now.

Before children, we decided that if we ever disagreed in the parenting arena, whoever recommended the stricter response would prevail. A great theory that evaporated the first time I preferred the stricter punishment. We ran afoul of Senior Skip Day. I was appalled: Of course that’s not sanctioned by the school! Back to school right now! I was overruled, and the A student in question got zeroes for the day. It still makes me crazy.

In today’s politically correct world, maybe a better prescription is to agree on individualism, tolerance and the pursuit of world peace. Individualism — or its practical application, autonomy — feels right. In our youth, each of us had a viral resistance to authority, including each other’s. Time has eroded that rebellious impulse and transformed it into something like tolerance, an appreciation of each other’s idiosyncrasies. And world peace? Hah. Domestic peace — or is it exhaustion? — is the highest bar we set around here.

Nope, our prescription for a happy marriage is having similar musical tastes, finding the same things funny, and … some third thing we can’t agree on. Heck, our first bonding moment was when Dave delighted me by rejecting bad songs on a fraternity jukebox. The silliness that made us double over with laughter 40 years ago still makes us laugh today.

That third thing — maybe it’s basic civility. Don’t say anything you’re going to regret. Tone of voice matters. It’s OK to be wrong! And if you’re right, OK, let’s note it once and move on. Foibles happen. Forgive and really forget.

Maybe it’s friends. Research shows that couples with different sets of friends have a greater likelihood of marital longevity. One of the first things I liked about Dave was his circle of friends; they were smart and funny, and they still are. Friends reflect your values, whatever they are, and are an amalgam of your life choices.

Whatever it is, happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie. I love your friends, and you’re still not the boss of me.

by beth alexander Beth was editor of Nfocus from 2001 to 2008. She is now a private banker at CapStar, and continues to be involved with many fine causes in Nashville. Email her at editoralex@bellsouth.net.