ThEmE park madNESS pagE

Food and Drink

Theme Park Madness

One of my most treasured memories is of my friend screaming her lungs out, hair flying, teeth bared on the Barry Island Pleasure Park roller coaster. A tiny roller coaster - one meant for babies - but that’s exactly what she is.

She also has a phobia of heights.

Like I said, baby.

But this article is not about my friend and her crippling fear of being suspended five metres in the air. This article will be talking about theme parks and all the good stuff that comes with it.

No, I don’t mean the rides, I’m talking about the food.

Theme park food has gotten so much better over the years. Humanity as a collective has gone from popcorn and hotdogs and roller coasters that were basically death traps to 12-colour slushies and dinosaur turkey legs and roller coasters that are still death traps.

Oh and it only gets better. The edible offerings at theme parks are becoming bigger and crazier and more diverse. To save you from getting all muddled up by the dizzying variety on offer, here’s a list of what’s recommended and what’s not at amusement parks here in the UK.

We’ll start off with a classic - fairy floss. Some call it cotton candy and others candy floss but I prefer fairy floss. A fitting name for something that appears to be neither solid nor liquid, is shaped like a tornado and feels like a cloud. I think the pink and purple ones taste the best. However, if you prefer to go around looking like you’ve swallowed a smurf, go ahead and pick the blue one!

Next up, toffee apples. How did humans manage to transform something so healthy into a one-way ticket to diabetes? But I’ve got to admit, these apples are so pretty. Bright red and glazed over perfectly, they’re identical to the poison apple in Snow White - tempting but deadly. Be warned - I almost broke a tooth after a too enthusiastic bite into one. I’m not sure what I was so excited for, I don’t even like toffee to begin with. It appears that sugar is a running theme here because we’re going to be covering slushies now. Yes, I’m talking about those obnoxious blue cups with the words ICEE emblazoned across in crimson. They’ve got multiple flavours; from cherry to grape to blue strawberry. Their website also says they have a flavour called mermaid but I’m not sure if I want to know what that tastes like. Experts say to mix all available flavours together and suck that concoction down like a liquified clown wig.

I’ve tried that and I have one word for it - ew.

Apparently, ICEE is also supposed to be fizzy. I don’t know about you but any effervescence is masked by that excruciating sweetness and accompanying brain freeze.

Moving on, popcorn is a perennial favourite at theme parks. I love how they come in giant tubs that you can grab fistfuls out of. Those tubs are one of the few things that I’ll happily lug about all day around the park.

A few years back, I spotted a kid staggering along with a popcorn bucket half his height. He couldn’t be bigger than four years old and that container was massive. As he tottered towards his family, he reached into the bucket for some popcorn and simultaneously let fly the biggest effing sneeze I’d ever heard come from a child his size. No prizes for guessing where most of the snot landed.

And we’re not at the best part yet. After that earth-shattering sneeze, the little booger monster reached his parents and handed the bucket to his mum. It pains me to type this but that poor innocent woman stuck her hand in and shoveled a mouthful of popcorn into her mouth.

I don’t eat popcorn anymore.

Anyway, I’ll end this list off with a savoury snack. According to Coasters on the Coast, pizza is fast becoming a popular snack for theme park goers to partake in. Why anyone would trek around willingly with a floppy, greasy, trypophobia-inducing slice of pepperoni pizza is beyond me.

Pizza Express exists for a reason, go there instead. And remember to order the dough balls.

Words by: Emun Yeat Design by: Isabel Brewster

Illustration by: Rahima Bhatti, @rahima.creative