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Labelling Sexuality Why I Label my Sexuality by Kate Waldock
It took a long time before I felt comfortable with the term ‘lesbian’. I remember the first time I heard it being used in a playground at the age of 8 or 9, and when I asked what the word meant, I was told that it meant someone was ‘gross’, or a ‘loser’. Such an early introduction to a perfectly normal label was detrimental to my association with the term. Any time I heard the word used it was in a negative light. Phrases such as, “She looks like such a lesbian”, or, “she’s so ugly, she’s probably a lesbian” were tossed about at girls, and the word carried weight. Once marked with the label ‘lesbian’, your name was smeared. Girls would avoid you, and you lost friends who were “scared” of you trying to kiss them, or worse. I watched this happen multiple times throughout school to girls who never quite managed to shake off the rumours. I managed to swerve accusations of the sort whilst I struggled internally with my feelings. The shame that comes with the realisation you are attracted to the same gender is unlike anything a straight person may ever understand. I came across a video talking about bisexuality, and I watched it, then cried for an hour when I initially realised I had to address my attraction to girls. Teenagers were bitchy at that age, but many didn’t even realise the enormous effect they had on LGBTQ+ students. Homophobia was entirely ingrained in us all, and using a phrase like ‘that’s so gay’ is still in common use. Although, whenever someone slips up and says it in front of me now they look embarrassed as if they’re sorry they’ve been caught (but, I fear, not sorry they said it). I can’t help but still feel resentment to many of those who used my sexuality against me in the years after I came out, or used it to ridicule me, despite being aware that they’ve all grown up, and hopefully recognised their prejudice. I only very recently became comfortable using the label ‘lesbian’ at all. Because of both external and internalised homophobia, I yearned to be attracted to men. I would try time and time again to find a relationship with a man, but it never sat right. During my time at university, it went no further than kissing them in nightclubs or having deep conversations in my flat about how I am probably not attracted their gender at all.
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It’s safe to say that they weren’t expecting a heartfelt discussion when we left the club together, but to many of the boys’ credit, they were understanding. I finally accepted that I wasn’t attracted to men when I was in my second year at university, towards the end of the first term. I have decided to use this term with pride, to prove to those younger than me who are living through the same homophobia that ‘lesbian’ is not a dirty word. Having a label allows me to feel empowered. It’s a proud middle finger up to homophobia, a reclamation of the labels stolen from us by bigots.
