Death to Teamwork, I Hate You All

Okay, so that title may be a tad strong, but let’s face it - most people are awful. Sure, they probably hide extraordinary kindness or hidden talents below the surface, but we’ll save that brief highlights reel for the eulogy since the rest of their time was probably spent letting other people do all the work in group projects.

Think slow walkers, housemates who leave faecal matter streaked across the toilet bowl, and that one person in the course group chat who relentlessly asks stupid questions. Think about the average Love Island contestant, and all the people who religiously watch the show, and think about me deciding to slate people for simply enjoying a reality TV programme. You’re awful, I’m awful, and I think it’s time we admitted to it and agreed to go our separate ways.

Okay okay, I’m being overly hyperbolic and I don’t actually think we should all split up and commit ourselves to live as hermits. No, let’s unite against the real enemy - corporate teamwork. Or, as I would call it, the darkest horror of late stage capitalism.

I once went to a group interview for a housekeeping job, and a team of overly enthusiastic women, uniformed in blonde highlights and false eyelashes, challenged us to build towers out of spaghetti and marshmallows under the watchful eye of a disgustingly smug thirty something year old boss. Since the job paid twelve pounds and hour, we all willingly humiliated ourselves with fake displays of bonding and co-operation, practically fighting each other to prove ourselves the most helpful in manipulating spaghetti. A tragic waste of pasta and time. The next task involved dressing an elected team member up as a superhero who we felt would be the most efficient housekeeper and helpful employee. There was something hauntingly dystopian in watching the interviewees, some as old as sixty, pleading others to wrap them in bin bags and model mops and brooms for hands in the hopes of their dedication being noted by the sadistic buffoons running the interview. It was perhaps the most depressing afternoon of my life, not helped by the fact that I didn’t even get the job since my disgust at the recruiting team was probably a little too evident on my face.

Sadly, that circus isn’t at all limited to the inhumane out-ofthe-box hiring process of a certain private student accommodation. Meaningless sentiments about the importance of teamwork and enthusiastic employees can be found in over-bloated training courses across the country, and we’ll all nod along with said time-wasting jargon whilst our thoughts drift to pay-day weekend.

So I hereby call to my fellow almost-graduates to stand in unity against this enforced friendliness as we march into the corporate workforce. Say no to team building days, moan about Janet from HR over lunch, and stop signing birthday cards of colleagues you don’t know. Together, we can build a better world by outlawing enforced chumminess. It’s time to bring some honesty back into the workplace.

Words By: Charlotte Harris

Design By: Mia Wilson