2004 3

lnside: Surely Not, Letters from America, Lonely Hearts, Me, me, me, me, me and my, my, my cv, Pub Crawl, Spoof

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Welcome to Black Bag Autumn/Winter 2004

A 2J's Production for Galenicals Editors: James Dilley (jd1384) and Jim Moonie (im1297)

Website: Frankie Blackmore Ents: Lizzie cain and Amy Green Sports: Brett Rocos & Camilla Peevers Bar: Conor Ramsden & Dan Bromage lnternational: Anna Hartley

President: Rick Woolf Vice President: Jess Preshaw Secretary: Ellen Oakhill Treasurer: Alex Armitage Welfare: Jon l\.4cKenny

Medicin€ is a revolulionary textbook designed wlth studenls lor ,:;_ _. sludenls. lt Iriumphs \rtlere other m€dical textbooks fail by being ' ref reshingly differ€nl.

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For more inlormation log onto

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Focused on the core curicutum Clinicatly-orienlated throughout No unnecessary detail Highly-slructured for easy leaming & rcvision Exactly the

ighi levelordetailfor everylopic

Cornprehensively visual to aid the learning process Value tor money

1D Bbckr.ll Publ'rshing

editorial Chronical of a dealh foretold The mortuary, Frenchay Hospital, November A sad day, a llnal farewell. We'd seen it coming, of course, not that it made it any easier. And as the deathly chill sent shivers down our spine we fought back the tears and forced a smile for the camera. Thinking back to that distant afternoon in the Springtime of 2004, when with blissful ignorance we, hvo naive young (?) medical students with literary leanings proudly accepted the honour of a lifetime -the post of Black Bag editorshipthe obscurity of our current situation seemed more poignant than ever. Later that night as the sun dropped rapidly behind the concrete horizon we would raise a glass to Lentaigne and Bush, our predeccesors. They had done a fine job, such a damn fine job. We could only hope, in this moment of darkness that we would be able to capture even just a vague glimmer of their sucCESS.

Yet, before we had even put pen to paper the darker undercurrents of their work were starting to penetrate our world. A careless racist remark had sent ripples of discontent through the student body and we were soon forced to reconsider- Lentaigne and Bush. Such a poor job, such a damn poor job. But we saw the enor of their ways. Singling out certain groups could not be tolerated. The abuse would have to total, unremitting, relentless...

So forgive us, therefore, as we impose upon you the consequences of two months of sleep deprived, alcohol fueled, self-destructive turmoil. Feel free to complain, currently we couldn't give a toss. lts half past two in the morning, we have run out of wine, assured Galenicals that this has been resting at the printers for the past four days and would now like to get some rest. Enioy.

Jim and James, 02:33am, 6.12.04, Bristol.

A sad demise, a new beginning

Thanks to Ed Sheffield for allowing to use the moftuary at Frenchay Hospital. Hope the cough is better.

contents ',''s

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the usuals

features 08 www.ga len icals. org.

kJlonely- ...prose puncutation, duties of an h earts intercalator, spoof lecture, the pre-clinical 12 Ptastic surgery- stateside revlew and oh so much more...

15 u", rn", me, me, me and my, t my, my cv

06 This & That-

welcorne, some announcements and a little quiz

10 Surely nol- true stories from around the globe? Surely not.

21

Sport- sports news, would you

believe.

25

Reviews- restaurants. books etc

32

Tales from lhe undergroundnews from the peripheries

34

Friend of the editors. a guest. friend, a writer.

and... u

16 rnat pub crawl in full

29

essay' the role of psychiatry in the diagnosis of religious illness a

31

snaring the caring

Fashion Fascist A few handy tips from our in house guru

Extracts from the holiday diary of Mr/Miss Arrogant McThailand Gap year/elective student extraordinaire

Feeling cold (and frigid). Try wearing skirts over trousers. How original.

lffi' to frill llEr party.

Or for that Sunday afternoon 'casual' look, why not bring out the chinos, deckshoes and that Will's Hall rugby shirt. Oh, and don't forget the pink jersey testing neatly on the shoulders, of course).

kistol stu&ts.

How about drooping a pastel coloured pashmina round your neck and tying one end around the ceiling of that old oak beam in your barn conversion. Easy now, watch you don't hang yourself.

Heading out tonight boys. Make sure you've got those cufflinks on that topman striped shirt.

Reafly felt jrt tordr with the 1ocal cd.tr..Ee, even ttlc€h surrourded try australian badq)acl(ers and

Bought scrlE fishermans parts today. .fust So cdnfortable ard let so Thai ! Oh ard nunny, lrcu'U just love my matdri.g rlilple ard q.,el8rr^' piercir€s .

geat-

ordr, just tu:rit myseu with my fjre poi.

St-iII, tls1]l- be gl€at at d-asto.

Since ccrmrijg bacl<

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felt deflated tl/

tlE lack of cuftural maturity of rV felLot sbldsts, whc rcrefy staled j.rl BE"istol, it seers, to earn sqnethirg called rncDey. (ltust rernetiler to thari< Daddy for the

SA,/ET/JM

€2,000)

.

MG down to Henley. How the roads are w"ithout ttrose pot -

Drove my smaoth bcles.

The Clinical Review- Well Darling, lt's Just Spangty.

Ok, now breathe in through your nose...1...2...3...4...5...and oul...push from your diaphragm ...that,s goooood ...feelthe resonance in you nostrils..-keep exhaling.-.and ... relax.

The hour of the luwie is nigh.

That's right, the Clinical Revue is, like a Prada Willi child to the cookie jar, approaching with speed. And this time they've foolishly put an lrish Thug and an English Thesp in charge. Together we have taken the funny that our punslaves have provided us with and, in an attempt to make this the shortest revue ever, we have crushed and pounded it into a fine funny powder (like talcum powder, but wiih funny). Now all we need to do is spdnkle il, like Tinkerbe s on acid, all over our cast until they are shiny and twinkley and most of all, very spangly indeed.

I think the revue is the only piece

offeedback that Clive should be worrying about. And this year we,ll be sinking our Hollywood veneered teeth into Clicendales, Rachel English, N,RSA and sexual positions for those who are stiff in the momings.

Money raised will be going to St Peter's Hospice and Angkor Hospitat for Chitdren in Cambodia.

And what do we call this work of genius? Well, urm, at the moment. Nol much. So clues and leave you on a cliff hanger Ta ra, dariing- MWAH! xxx Amy Nicol It will be merciless...but it will be charitable.

It will be djrty ... but il will be clean.

It will be quick...bulit will be fulfilling.

THE CLINICAL REVUE 2005. January 1gth, 20th and 21st. The Winston Theatre

I'

give you with these cryptic

Freshers- a welcome and a word of warning By now, neaaing the end of your first term, you will all ly see the odd senior student dressed in shirt and tie. The doublless have setted into the routine of first year medi- library, you will tell yourself, is clearly for the later years cine and having passed the rate limiting step (which is to when I too will spend hours pouring over what I have seen realise that nobody gives a shit what you did on your gap that day in hospital. Needless to say, of course, that will year) started to make some friends. While some of you not be the case. Less idealistic students, who have freed will work tirelessly from the outset (there's no point) for themselves from the unreasonable notion that doctors must be perfect models of health, others the cracks will start to they are will soon realise that may choose to smoke on the balappear early on. First year lectures 'you are boring (and if you think they're far too cold and dark for anything cony of the 'stalls' bar, while othnoi then you should probably be but masturbation or necrophelia' 5i"; doing a pure science degree) and you will soon start to wonder why on your open day you fanlasize about sex in those very same toilets, but most of droamt of gaining a place at Bristol and being able hang you will soon realise that they are far too cold and dark for around the 'med school' just because you could. lnitially, an)4hing but mastuftation or perhaps even necrophelia. you willfind solace in the medical school cafe scene- be it For the odd few who carry this desire to the dissecting the 'front of house'cafe (The Forum)or the 'stalls'you will room your medical car€er will be at an end. So as wo at soon realise that they are both undesirable. Keen stu- Black Bag welcome you (somewhet belatedly) to Bristol let us leave you with this thought. lt is easy to €xplain dents will head to the library and indulge in the inlricacies of the Kreb's Cycle, whilo for those of you with 6 lower n€crophelia to the police. lt is not so easy explaining it to threshold for boredom the smailer details may start to your parents.* JM stand out- you may even, as I did, notice the net curtains of the Tuscan style villa behind the medical school with their nautical insignia and oast your mind back to Blu€ *Black Bag accepts thatthere are also legaland moralissues at Peter and the bgdg€ you almost won, You willoccasionalstake.

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A late announcement Thi6 years Bristol Bicycle Punting Fiesta has been cancelled. The organis€rs apologise, citing a shortage of bioyole pumps as the r€ason. Tick€ts willbe r€fundod. For

refunds and any other enquiri€s cal| 011712 976786.

Fact or fiction?

Bristol i6 home to the largest pornographic film studios in Europe.

The innoc€nt looking office building on the corner of Zettand Rd and Cranbrook Rd is actually a phone sex call centre.

Fact.

lnterview with tourette man I meet tourette man in the main bar of the Marriott Royal on Park Street. He is dressed casually in blue jeans and

Pom S{a/ sweatshid. The image on the front depicts a lone man with his hand down his trousers. The inscriplion on the back reads 'wankef. As he enters the bar the wail ress asks if he would like a drink. He tells her she's a 'b"lard. We shake hands and begin the interview BB: Hello tourette man. Thanks for talking to Black Bag. TM: F**k off ln the next issue: interview with stutterer

l'm dreaming of a Black Bag Christmas Those imortal words we know so well, but with Christmas ju6t around the corner just what exactly will you b€ buying. Why not take a look in th€ Black 'Christmas Shopplng'Bag. Over the past few weeks, as l'm sure you can well imagine toys have been flooding into the Black Bag offices, but this one has really stood out from the crowd. With something for everyone we are proud to announce that the number one item in the Black Christmas Shopping Bag this year is the

black, di8abled, lesbian doll. a politically corroct must havs for any child,

www.Galen icals.org.u ldLonelyhearts Breti Rocos- Boys sports Rick Woolf - President lnterests: lre, my pasl, present, fuiure. mY academic Prizes.

WLTI\4: A young slim, Scotlish thespian, preferably with a larger behind.

Turn ons: The play of the light on a babbling brooke, tumbling of leaves in an autumnal breeze, mirrors.

Turn offsr People who can't listen ldeal date: A cosy and intimate night spent in, with Garrv present of course.

captain l

lnterests: Shouting, ensuring everyone knows what I think, fanlasising about beinq president.

WLTI\,: Someone exactly 15/64 lh of my size Tlrn ons: Playing ladies sports, the 80's rapper look Turn offs: Sensitivity, small shoes, cup cakesldeal date: The sports nighi at the wedge.

Camilla Peeve6 - Ladies sports

Jess Proshaw - Vice president lnterests: Boys, Alcohol, lealher, fluffy ihings.

WLTM: Someone interested in alcohol, leather and fluffy things Turn ons: Boys, Alcohol, leather, flufiy things.

Turns offs: Sobriety and dreary atlire. ldeal date: The first of the above whilst drinking the second, him wearing the third, me the fourth.

Ellen Oakhill: Secretary lnterests: Touch typing, cataloguing, dewy system, sex WLTM: Someone who will be able to release the ha etl from this seemingly sober exterior.

Turn ons: Watching porn, in particular scenes involving photocopieF breaking downTurns offs: Male sport captains. ldeal date: A romp in the slack room.

captain lnterests: Suffragettes, Rugby WLTI\,'|: Germain Greer Turn onsr Women showing men Turn ofis: Boys who don'l like getiing muddy ldeal date: Jonny Wilkinson

Lizzie Cain- Ents Rep lnlerests: Benefit, counsel housing. STls WLTIV1: A wife beating, chain smoking recovering alcoholic.

Think Rab. C. Nesbitt and you?e close

Turn ons: Multiple piercing, Kappa kacksuits. Reebok classics, Broadmead, Turn offs: Hygiene, the f'king PIGS, social workers ldeal date: A quickie in the l\/cDonalds toilets.

,' Frankie Blackmore- Website

lnterests: l.T. WLTM: Enormous posh man Turn ons: Organisation, stationary, black bin liners Turn offs: Stale school education, chaos ldeal dale: Pimms at Henley

Anna Haatley- lnternational rep lnterestsr Eloculion (l'm from Leeds

you know), blusher WLTI\,:Anyone that can save me from

lhat

[,4ike Adlam Turn ons: Someone who can pull off a 'pash', children suffering from kwashi-

orkor Turn offs: l\,4outhy, larger drinking rugby players ldeal daie: Adminis{ering vaccines in Africa

Amy Green- Ents Rep lnteresls: Dancing like a backing dancer lor l\,4adonna, being on the cutiing edge of fashion WLTMr Odhopaedic surgeons/ Alexander I\,4cOueen Turn ons: The new Peter Stringfellow diamond encrusted dildo Turn offs: regular vibrators ldeal date: Going to a West end musical and being allowed to iufip up on stage for the finale.

Conor - Bar lnterests: lnternet dating, Lou's place, Lassilers complex WLT[r1: lvly beloved (although slighl ly plump) Nrichelle Scully, just one

more time.

Turn ons: The alphabet, Size 8 floral dresses Turn offs: Skimmed milk, galenicals ldeal date: 17th March

Dan Bromage- Bar lnterests: Weights, creatine, orthopaedics, cutlery WLTM| a knife, a fork or even just a spoon Turn ons: red meat ' Turn offs: vegans ldeal date: Venice beach, You and me pumping.

James Dilley - Magazine office secretary lnterests: Cliflon Life, Austin Reed, vaseline, arte WLTM: Boris Johnson Turn ons: that l\rackenny boy, silk ties, my humour Turn offs: cheap shoes, bubble bath, crabs, galenicals ldeal dale: session with a celebriv make_up arlist

Jim Moonie - Media mogul lnterests: hanging around playgounds, naked in my mac, the wilderness, Mecca bingo with my peers WTLM: smallAsian girl to curb those racist rumours Turn ons: false ieeth, catheterisation, being a 'human

dusibin' Turn offs: medicine, galenicals, anylvhere at sea level ldealdate: ierking ofl to a copy of Saga maga/ine in my

biv4/'bag

Jon Mackenny- Welfare lnterests: ornithology, campanolo-

sv

WLTM: BillOdie Turn ons: James Dilley, bicycle saddles, bananas Turn offs: GW Bush, globalwarm_ ing, treasure tags ldeal date: Sydney mardi-gras

Alex Armitage- Treasurer lnterests: baking, knitwear, lamilly holidays WLTM: good old fashioned houseTurn onst wool, hundreds and thousands, a good reciPe for sponge cake Turn offs: pencil sharPerneas, coffee creams, dyson vacuum cleaners ldeal date: JaneAsher

JD & Jl,rcK

Surely not Terrorist Money Did Not Fund Academy Upgrades

Fashion and lredicine

Amidst a sea of accusations surrounding ihe numerous 'unexplained extensions to hospitals participating in the Aoademies program Black Bag can today reveal that there was no funding assistance from inlernalional tenor_ ist organisations. An inside source who cannot be named said 'it is true that we always beiieved this to be a lie'. A spokes person added, 'we can now be sure of the truth and can confhm that such false accusalions are indeed

Only weeks into its trial lirst year and the new Bristol Fashion and Medicine course is akeady courting contro_ versy. A student is cunently being questioned by the

untrue'.

Graduation DVD'S Following in the footsteps of the University of Bristol Medical School's groundbreaking DVD collection, 'We can't be arsed to give real lectures any moe', the organ_ isers of the graduation ceremonies have lhis week announced similar plans. This summer's ceremonies will be recorded and shown to famillies of graduating students in future years. The plan looks likely to be approved allhough there is sure to be confusion over lhe {act ihal fulure studonts will have to change their names by deed poll in order to graduate.

Hey baby, like you.

police regarding the thefr of body parts for use in a upcomming F&M catwalk show. The student in question was using the parts as material for his Fresh and Dangerous collection of baby clothes. The star ofthe show which has now been postoponed, was to be FED Unbilical Cords' corduroy svle trousers made from umbilical cords. There arâ&#x201A;Ź even rumours circulating that these were to accompa_ nied by placenta berets.

World First. vaginal ceasarian section Doctors in Bristolwho last year performed the world's firct laparoscopic laparotomy have this week hit the headlines again, ofiering ne$/ hope to the millions of women who

endure lhe traditional caesarian delivery each year' According to the medical team, the procedure went well and the patient was available for comment soon afteF werds-'l have had caesarian before', she said.'ltwas OK, but lelt me with a massive gash. This is much better and I would recomend it to anyone'.

tits No Swan Eye over Bristol

Doctors in the US have conhoversially performed the world's firct and possibly last breast augmentalion procedure...in an infant, bringing the 3 yearold fiom a zero to a B cup. 'Controversial? You bet said Senator Pete Sponty of the ldaho Commision against Cosmesis in Children.

While many are outspoken in their absolute abhorence thai such a procedure has taken place at all, a small minority believe that this may be the starl of ol what we al BB feel could be a particulary worrying trend. So whatev_ er you view on the matter it looks like, slatesside al least, the cry'hey baby, like yourlits', may soon resound around nurseies.

Plans to construct a giant swan on Clifton Down have been vetoed by the local council, The swan was to be a temporary structure, much like the CrystalPalace from the

Great Exhibition of 1851, but was last night deemed a polential hazard lo low flying aircraft. The highlight of the exhibition was to be a moving staircase up through the neck of the swan leading to a viewpoinl over Bristol. The events proposer, Cyril Geoff said 'we simply wanted lo raise the profile of swans in the area and ofier the visitor a swan's eye view over Bristol.

Weston super Mare

Debenhams?

A researoh team of local archeaologists and cultural histoians may at last be able to shed some light on one of lhe lasting mysteries of Broadmead- the Debenhams window-letter conliguration. lt's not news to those of us who know Bristol lhat the back of store, overlooking lhe scenic roundabout and Travelodge, has windows above each of which hangs one of the letters of tho store's name. lvlany people thought this to be more than jusl a coinci denco, some lhinking that Debenhams may always have been there. The reseach group leader and author ol fhe Evolution of Buildings, Or Vivien Drew, this week spoke of

I

the group's recent findings. 'We believe this to be more than just a coincidence', she said-

Its looks as though Weston super Mare, literally meaning Weston 'above the sea' (from the latin), may not be above the sea lor much longer ln a bid to keep up with global warming local counsellors have râ&#x201A;Źvealed plans to flood the town in order to make 'more room for the sea'. One of the counsellors involved in the final decision spoke to BB yesterday. 'l couldnl give a P'k. I've always thought the place was a sh'lhole anyway'.

Magic Oisappeadng Act A field of magic mushrooms outside the doctors mess at

Baffow Psychiatric Hospital h?s misteriously disappeared. Any information about their whereabouts would be greatly appreciated by the medical staff. Contact them at www.banow.nhs/fu.clded

FLannir:s v*u r el*eiiv* s*m*wher* sunny?

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Letters from America, with John Ferguson

Otfering high quality dermatologic ministrations in an atmosphere of discretion and privacy,; the clinic; is a favourite with the Cartier watch wearing, Prada handbag swinging, neurotically braying, country c'ub women of New England. Located on one of the streets of a wealthy suburb of Boston, lhe clinic is difflcult 10 find without prior knowledge and an appointment. Advertising is kept to a minimum as the physicians who work there prefer to rely on their excellent reputations and frequenl television intetuiews for business.

We arrive early, 6nd I am issued with a pristine white co€t and a badge that says John Ferguson, London, England. I don't comment on the tact that actually I am from Brisiol and that this is rath€r like rne assuming thal allAmericans are from Washington, but just take lhe badge and pin it to my immaculat€ly starch€d breast pocket. We leave the office, and push up the stairs through the back entrance of lhe clinic. There is a central nuring station with a polished granite top to iti the carpets are thick and tastefully patterned. Laminatgd magazine art! cles decorate the walls, celebraiing the emlnence of the clinic and the charm and experlise of lhe doctors who own and run it. The waiting room looks like a tropical rainforest with loather upholstery ideal for the

patient who requires camouflage on her visit. lest she is unmasked in her expensive quest for youth and beauty. I am swiftly introduced to the nursing staff and a few of the other doctors before the clinic begins.

Pristine white teeth flash, handshakes and eye conlact are exchanged. "Do you notice that its lMonday molning and everyone is happy to be here?" I am asked by the doctor. His head is cocked to the side and his voice is an irresislible invitation to complicity. I agree automatically, convinced and enjoying being in on the secret. Only later does it occur to me thal it was a little early to gauge the happiness of the employees. We enter lhe fhst consulting room. There is a big adjusiable leather chair in the middle of lhe room. A dermatological throne.

Th€ magazines on the side table are: Town and Country, th€ New Yorker, Time etc as well as some skin magazines featuring yet more articles on the doctor owers. There i6 a long mirror opposite the table and another smaller minor in a drawer al the side table. The patienl is dressed smartly, a sex and the city clone.

She ls assertive, almost aggressive.

It is hard to say how old she is. Her face has an altered look which no longer allows the assessment of age which we do when looking at normal people. She laughs 6lightly hysteri-

cally as I am introduced, 'He's not going to do it is he?? I don't wanl to end up looking like Joan Rivers. Ha ha ha ha.' she laughs staccato like a machine 9un fhing rounds at innocent civilians. 'Hah hah hah hah." Dr Teflon laughs smoothly. "No don't worry, we would never let that happen. And neither would you, beoause you're really smart and you always know how to look your best without going to far. Ot course it helps that you had such beautiful skin to start with." The patient seltles: calmed by ihe choice, charming, ohooolato words ofthe doctor. He opens the drawer and pulls out the magnifying mirror "Show me the areas that concern you...", he says, holding it in front of her face. lmperceptible lines are suddenly brought into focus.

Suddenly what was a face bgoomes a jigsaw ot multipl€ defecis, all in n€ed of cotreclion. Bolox and restylene syrlnges appear as if by magic.

800 dollars each, but the cost is barely mentioned. The patient exclaims with hammish melodrama.

'Oh I hate thi6 part. Dr, you always have to torture me. I know you enjoy itt" Her face tells a diff€rent story lf anyone is enjoying this painfui little procedure, it's her. lt is like th€ macho adag€ 'no pain: no gain' taken to its logical conclusion, ln the end the pain becomes the gain. She enjoys it, it's exquisite.

A Iat woman lies on the bed, her genitals and the crack of her bottom barely hidden from sight by a series of surgical blue drapes. Her corpulent thigh is exposed and a series of circles are drawn on it. Nurses are pumping saline laced with local anaesthetic into these areas so as lo numb lhem before the fat is sucked out by the surgeon. The woman is doped up on Demerol, so she is

moaning and groaning inappropriately but is generally comfortable. There is a problem with the pump and it seems to have difiiculty shutting off.

For a moment I imagine this woman's leg exploding and showering myself and the nurses with blubber They pull it out and instead spray the patient with a few drops of anaesthetic before they succeed in stopping the pump. When bolh of

the woman's legs are symmetrically numbed, she is ready for the doctor to sweep into the room and work his magic. A steel catheter is inserted into the thighs of the patient. lt's connecled to a syringe which is pulled back to make a vacuum. The catheter is reamed back and forth, sucking; globules of liquid fat inlo the empty space- (continled oveleaf...)

....Syringe afler syringe is filled, amounting to about a half Pound of fat in total- The watery layer at the top is then decanted off and the Yel_ lowy fat is squirted into smaller tubes. "lt looks like buttef remarks the addled patient. "You have beautiful fat' says the doctor, "beautiful' echoes the assistant. The doctor approaches the Patient with one of the small syringes. She is fliPPed onto her front. The Patient's face looks under construction. Bumps and furrows, strangely ananged, deco_ rate haggard features thrown into relief by the surgical spotlights The latest unwanted cracks and crevices are isolated and fat is squirted into them, then moulded with the surgeon's gloved hand. The assistant mops tha dribbles of blood which roll down her cheek. Crimson tears, wept for her irretrievable youth. 'l find that fat transplantation is vastly preferable to the restylene. lt gives lhe patlent a younger, rounder face.

It's th€ir own tissue so it ca ies no risk of immune reaclion, and best of

all it can be stored, so that if the patient ever needs a touch up...it can easily be facilitated" lfs very expensive too, naturally. Outside later when the doclor is finished a Phone call is taken. Such and such is unhappy with her results. She doesnt think it has helped. She says she is considering legal action. 'l'm very sorry she is unhaPPY wilh her therapy. Sometimes it is hard for People to realise the difference we have made. We would be glad to offer her some complimentary extra sessions if she feels they would help.--" I am assured by lhe doctor lhis does not happen often. This is a high risk sport though; these PeoPle are bY definition not easy to please. High risk, high reward. Like spoilt aristocratic children, they love to torture their seNants- lt's like trying to milk a tiger Your technique has to be Perfect, you have to know just how to do it right. lt can turn nasty at any moment but if you succeed, the dividends are hemendous. 'IigeCs milk is very valuable. I look down at the

table as we are waiting for the nexl case. I feel pretty uncomfortable with how weird all this is. lt's depressing.

It really is. Self ighteousness sneaks up on me: People are fuck_ ing homeless half an hour from here, people are dying in lraq, etc. I notice a pair of lycra leggings that the patient has to wear to support her legs post liposuction. They have flaps at the front and back so that the patient can udnate and defecate without taking them off. Glamorous business, this plastic surgery I crack a smile. Suddenly I imagine People dancing around on stage wearing these things, with doctors sauntering after them with syringes and beauti_ ful nu6es being pushed around bY jealous middle aged fashionistas.

Botox the musical. Someone should do it. lts crying out for it, really it is. I iaugh out loud. How inaPpropriate, l'm in a medical clinic, I should show a little respect.

rnfiffiEw cetilvolvedwitil4afiottlweareallEdica]-studentledcharity,t{tF$orktol^Erd€ recruicilg rncre studencs crto che bcsre rnarIctt dcrDr legistry' Ihe peq)le $re rccf,rrit, tlE poesltial e@E, rnlgbl rell go cr to fro/ide a lasE dlarE cule fcr a \dy iI Edjst. are alwrys l@Icil€ for pecple wtD want to get jrnolved; ltEtlEr it's with @I]seUng of pe(pl-e befcEe tlqf jojn tfE register, takilE blocd at or c1inics, d lElPig ot at dly of o-Ir fi.rd v{e

raisilg evsts. Ard of @jrEe if tlle register Ycnllself...

)'q.1

v.lait

to join

c'rt for our posters scattered arqjrd tlE udversity cafiqnls ard 1la11. .erd if yqr r@It to get il]\7o11,€d in any vey, bave a gslius i&a f@ us or lEve atry questicns do get jll tolch: bri.s I-ooh

tolmarrow@yahoo. com

Watch out, the joke's on !OU-

as conor, David, Jerry and Dan and a host of others donned their 'Beedles'for the annual prank on the freshers. Some quickly wised up to the blatent iomfoolery whilst other slower students showed that they were still just a little wet behind the ears. How did you fale? Black Bag tells all.

Too many medical students, exams at the end ol the week, random drug testing and initating mobile phones being dunked into a jug of water were just a few of the delights to grace this year's spoof leclure. A symposium entitled Snakes and Ladders was chaired by Dr Pollock (Conor Ramsden) who gradually gained the trust of a naiv€ pack of fresh faced freshers. Dr Pollock gently massaged the audiences'faith by talking on the somewhat awkward topic of sex. This lecture climaxed in the isolation of the years virgins who wore left standing in the auditorium. A ruthless bekayal of the innocence compliance; something black bag in no way condones. (Be sure to check the next issue to see the photos) As the embarrassed giggles subsided a Mr MorganJones( David Adams) cast an uneasy silence over the theatre with his no-nonsense attitude and irascible manner. The anxiely in the room positively swelled. After a bumbling start, mistaking the crowed for fifth years, his angor peaked with the echo of a mobile telephone reveF berating around E29- Needless to say this telecommuni cation device was swiftly dispatched a jug of water An action which was met with a unmed audible gasp.

consequence of over recruitment to lhe course. Although anyone still believing this charade at this point surely isn't Bristol medical sohool matedal. However these were not few in number as our beloved clinical dean Dr Clive Roberls was mel with a furious barrage of electronic mail from angered parents of gullible students.

Black bag has been lucky enough to lay its hands on just a few of these. This one in particular really made us chuckle- To see more like ;t, turn to page 78.

mst surpdsed and shocked to rec€ive a telephone call lrom my lather upset en, Jonly, who hs iust enrolled on lh€ MB ChB @utse at Bdstol- Alter spending his gap year teaching Latin to sick chibren in Bangladesh. Jonty rctuh hohe wilh a new iound conidence and a s€€mly ravemus enrhusiasm lo begin his studies at Brislol. Today I could tell rhat this was shaltered d he relayed to me lhe deiails of a ledure he had sat th@gh earlier today. I fnd whal he told me totally una@ptabte and I exled an immediste rsply trom you in o.der to explain the mediel schools seemingly atliludes.

I was

'/vays€rd

Y@6 over pmteclively

Sursly notl A softly spoken lrish pharmacologist( Jerry Quill) next took the reigns introducing the studonts to the University of Bristol drugs and alcohol policy. The initiation of regular random single hair sampling (SHS) to detect cannabis use sent shudders through the audionce, cold sweats visible, fear palpable. Testing was to begin there and lhen. The refusal of a sample by one disobedient student led to the previously mild mannered lrishman embarking an unashamed public display of wanton obscenities. Unfortunately for legal reasons Black Bag cannot print what foul language ensued. His angry deparlure through the swinging double doors sent a welcome breeze rippling throuqh the now oppressive urine tainted atmosphere of E29Hopes of a happy year at Bristol were further dashed as Dr Keane( Dan Bromage) broke the shocking news of an examination in order to cullthose of inferior intellect, a

As you can imagine Clive thought this was all rather amusing so much so that he later sent out a 'congratulatory email' to all involved.

Dr lllorganJones and Dr Ednund Drury enjoying their drink like their humour- black

Me, me, me, me, me and my, my, my cv lf you find your CV is a little light on the hobbies and interesls section you could do worse than citing an interest in ornithology. Never so much as brandished binoculars at a booby? well with this quick guide will provide the kind of knowledge that a seasoned twitcher could only dream of.

This guide is, of course, equally useful for improving inteNiew technique Try filling those unfortunate silences with "did I mention that my favourite bird is..." Be sure to tailor your bird name-dropping to your anticipated career course.

SECRETARY BIRD This comicallydisp.oportioned bird may seem bumbling, incompetent and harmless, bul dont be fooledit is, in fact, a fearsome predator.

This clealure swaggers wth an exaggerated air of self-importance through many parts of ihe medical school. 11 can be seen raking its tenible claws through student caF casses in the SSC omce- But only between the hours of 3 and 4 every third Thurcday of the month.

WREN lf you have menlioned this bard, you will have beAayed yout ttuly boring characler despite all your assiduous CV writing. lt's a rubbish bird: no matle. how hard it tries, it never achieves anything-

Whod wanl to be lhe second smallest bird in Britain anyrvay?

Habitat includes libraries, low lying seating at lhe front of lecture halls and CU meelings. lt is a drab, silent creature that always relums to roast before gpm TAWNY OWL

Despile assuming a look ol supercilious intelligence, this ddiculous bird is actually profoundly thick. Habits include coughing up pellets of shit and mulling over lhem may even obsessively.

DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS This quifty crealure detesls convenlional bird behaviour lt isnl adually a bird at alland has been accused oI

lt

wearing a mask. lt spends much of its time sftrng thrcugh mud, silt and olher such inelevanl matter. lt is extremely pdmitive and still believes

encourage you

to do

the

same. lt's call is a long and incoherent babbling shriek, which is poorly undetslood

that eleclrocdjng someone's head can cure depressaon. Perfect lor citing when applying for a job with a

by other avian speoes. This

cry has been known lo last

whole afternoons and is

high psychiaty content.

believed to allow the owl to pounce silently on its sleepang prey. lt is the emblem of the National Association of Primary Care and Social

SABRE-TOOT!{ED CHICKEN Although thoughl to have become exlinct in the late creta_

Medicine

ceous, several sightings have been reporied recen{y in teaching hospitals in the souli west. Some studenis even claim to have been savaged by the bind on consuftâ&#x201A;Źnt warcl rounds. Cunent theory suggests that lhe speoes was eliminated by an unexplained epidemic of phaeochromocytoma.

LAPPET-FACED VULTURE

Many nnd it difficult io ident'fy wilh this bird's fascinalion with the dead and dying. ln its defence, the pallialivus

JACKASS PENGUIN It is only really sâ&#x201A;Źnsible to bdng up this bird it you suddenly become aware of the overpowering stench of kppets during interview Don't be embanassed: the jackass isn't. Annie Hanisonb Iavoudte bird.

necrophilius carus claims lo be misrepresented. Waiting fot the terminally decrepit to die can be a rewarding, worthwhile, and downright titrllating profession.

JUVENILE SHAG The exact identily of this bird must remain seset due to Black Bagb libel policy Fortunately the bird is common and easiry idenlifiable. A prolific and showy bid, it may prove to be the ideal species to name-drcp if younget doctorc are on lhe inlerview pand. She will be well known to them through her

regular migration to pay day pa.ties, despite slill being a strdent Her obscene mating dance is one of the maruels of the naluralwotld

Jon Mackenny

::

Plastic bibs, absurdly oversized baby pacifiers, conglutinous drink_ stained scrubs, obscene body-Parl graffiti why such horror? t could only mean one thing: the annual Bristol ,4ed cal Students' mLiltivenue alcohol- rnblbing procession through the kebab-strewn boulevards of this fair city. Although the event is popularly referred io as the 'Freshers' Pub Crawl', that jLlvenie segment of the medschool PoPu ace was severely underrepresented.

"Noi many first years here," flaxenhaired President Dick Woolf was heard 10 shriek while kneading the nappy-clad glLrteus maximus of a passinq 'man-child'. "l realy am so very disappointedl" Origina ly designed to mollify ihe senior sludenls' suppressed appeiite

for nlergenerationa coitus currenl ly so stigmatized by the tabloid press

Cash and Carry?

- the highly sexualized rituals of the evening (invo ving grown men and

women aiming to Present them se ves as both 'infant and 'sexually available'at the same time) were received with rn xed feelings bY those 'freshers' who were in atten dance. "l'm not liking the baby th ng," grunted one'child'.

Some firsi years. however. eniered inlo ihe spirit of the evenl wholeheartedly. clearly having wasted large amounts of their time and money n producing their erotic'baby sLrits'. Teenagers Danni, Rupal and Katie, pictured, who iisted 'playing mummies and daddies'among their lnterests, were clearly in iheir element. SadlV, however, they rejected the idea of a private press conference under a lable ln Henry J. Bean's with Black Bag's dedicated reporters.

Disgruntlement was also prevalent among many of the senior students, who were evidently ashamed of what the ravages ot tirne and tobacco had done io their appearance, and jeal' Everyone ous of the attenlion lavished on the perky, smooth-faced youths. One haggard fourth year, only calling herself 'Angelman', deemed it necessary to conceal her face wiih a surgical mask, through which she tersely remarked: "All they've done is put d!mmies round iheir necks. lthink it's f"king pathet_ ic."

rub your nose on the edge of lhe picture. One at a timâ&#x201A;Ź now.

ln other words, it was an entirely predictable evening, which eventually deieriorated alongside the ever decreasing Glasgow Coma Scale scores of the participants. Memories were thankfully erased, leaving it as jusl another n ght not io remember.

Fortunately, the Bag's intrepid press

Resentment soon melied away, however, as hard liquor mixed with diabeles-inducing brighlly-coloured syrup flowed down the voracious gullels of the future general practilioners. The year groups began to interaci more freely once inside lhe tamiliar confines of O'Connol's lrish Pub (formerly known as the D.H.B.), though some wished lhis process wou d go further. One Suneth Jayeskera, a fourth year, larnented the lack of female attention he was garnering. "l think they should have lots more nice ladies-" he concluded.

Allhough a number of less experienced alcohol users were forced to abandon the Ievelry in order to avoid a premalure visit to the B R.l.'s Emergency Depadment. a large cohort was able to swagger onwards lnto the Sunday night mayhem of Bristols 'historlc city centre. Arriving al Bolshevik-themed Bar Vodka Revolution. the intoxicated herd wilingly parted wiih fistfuls of cash for Good suction, noted

the securlty staffs draconian repression - which lncluded the prohibiled donning of hats. The Bag saw this as a slrangely Orwellian rule, especially considering the marked Iack of hatstands. Answer rne this: Just where is one s!pposed to put one's hat while using a urinal?

ihimblefu s of d si lled potato.

Atlernoiir- io livg up to the venues ie-e ara":J irigd hero cally to reslsl

Oh, grow upl

team was at hand to document the increasing arnount of mindless drlvel being spat into their ears. Printed be ow are some of the cornmenls your boozed up minds Produced solid documeritary proof oi the severe problerns Posed bY binge drlnking on the mental health oflhe student community.

Did I really say that? Did I really look like that? Yes, l'm afraid so 'Brett loves tongue'

"ljust love Black Bag" '' I's rammed, hot and fu I of peop e I don't know'

" Jess lost her piglet and wants peop e to look for lt

'To ose ana virginity contact J rn @ B ack Bag. He s hung like a smallcal" 'Virg ns Iin the spoof lecturel- too rnany lor one hand

need two to deal with them"

"8lack Bag, what, you mean the best mag ever?"

Oh yes, my left is definilely my besl

"The money's n ihe second Jjears'

' I's been

erotic, sweaty. . c ose quarters. A litt e Coke@ goes a long way"

"F**k a fresher, best game ever .. Premium year, shame 'm not singLe. Just don't let the bird see it' "My bisexua ily - vasty underraied in the medica school.

Perhaps bisexual circle jerk classes run by me...?"

'Jus like that'. Ed 'dirt'Toll does what he does best

"Medics are marvelous but mad, never melancholy'

"Can you please leave" "GET OLJTI You've already broken the friggin' poo lable"

'F*K OFFI

NOWI JUST F*KING GO!'

''lm not going to Bath at eight a.m. No f"king way. Screw hospilal"

" Black Bag..-.Black Bag...Black Bag..." (to the tune ofAuld Lang Syne)

Anatomy with Frankie

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rrrs is rs my nrv lip rrp ...and ano this

Next issue: and now let me show you my...

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This year will be the BIGGEST Ittledics Ball ever! !!

Passenger Shed - 22nd ,January Champagne Jazz Reception 3 course silver service meal Live band and DJ all night Raffle with amazing prizes (inc 2 Eurostar tickets to Paris)

CHEAP Drinks

Tickets are t45 and are available from Elaine Anderson in G84a in the Medical School or one of your year reps - see website for details http://www.geocities.com/bristolmedbal I

'l'm Nigel Rawlinson,

Get Me Out Of Here'- the review of the

review The 2004 Pre-clinical review, that is.

With the pre-clinical review being in the Winston Theaire for the first time things were definitely looking up. However, when the writers managed to get together a script we were initially worried that it may be a little crude and non-Pc, very different to last year's somewhat cerebral show.

At p to its little broiher - the Clinical Revue-quickly dispelled those fears and gave us a new found zest to somehow put in all those Viz-esque jokes we had accumulated. lt was also true to say that the cast and crew exemplified the Medics' reputation as being well able to put them away.

Strangely enough it didn't seem lo adversely affect our ability to remember our lines with some moments of inspiration even-witness Tommo Rees & Dewi Owen as Siamese twins and Lucy Pawbly as a truly realistic tree.

This year we were blessed with a team of good writers able to

come up with some truly original ideas-witness CR, Heart Attack, Doc ldol, You Bet!, not to mention a convincing Greg Pickering in his own chat show- So! Eugene Lloyd. Clive Roberts, as always, managed to extol the beneflts of being a female medic. Added to that JRT preferring a cadaver overAlice Roberts, Morgan Moorghen as a Cancer Criminal and Judy Harris necking Urine samples, you have allthe ingredients that made "l'm Nigel Rawlinson, Get Me Out of Here!" thoroughly enjoyable io see and be seen in.

'Ding Dongl'would you like a suck on my pipe?'

A lot of work was put in by lots of people but in the end it was a show we could be proud of. I'd just like to say a special thank you to the cast & crew, they did a sterling job. I hope that this year's show has enthused the present 2nd year to carry on the fine iradition of the Pre-Clinical Revue. lt was, as Clive Roberts would have said, "Ding Dong 1".

Adam Shakir

Sport The Sports Club Dinner, Autumn 2004 The Sporls Club Dlnner- Lrsually synonymous with pre rnorbid levels of alcohol consumplion, food fights of World War lll standards and usually, a terminal relationship with ihe venue in question. This lime though, at Iast and to my great surprise, only 2 of the 3 are fulfilled. For the first time in ceftainly my long sianding association wilh the sports club, we have not been banned!

Wilh ihe Bristol Bierkeller the venue for our dinner, we the captains were obviously aiming at a lairly anima like pedormance from the teams. We were not disappointed. The premature arrival of the rugby team who had to be physically forced back oulside by Big Tony-The Doorman lead us to expect ihe highest degrees of anarchy. But, with the rest of the teams arriv ng promptly for the 7.30 doors and an efficient distribution of wine (200 botlles) and dinner tickets, many of which were subse quently lost, the dinner was well underway.

On arrival at a spo.ts club dinner, the casual observer is struck with a) lhe volume and cacophony of barely comprehensible songs frorn each ieam usually involving breasts and cucumbers and b) the assortment of costumes adorning each team- This years openinq dinner saw butchers, pirates, lownies (or Kevs/ Chavs/ Scallies, depending on your preferences), ballerinas (superbly turned out I thoughtl), fox hunters and foxes, accidenl vjctims, 80s dress and medieval knights. The evening passed withoul a hitch (thouqh some may say that the distribution of food was a little problemalic wiih many teams waiting quite a long time for their food/ ammo). The culminatron of the eating part of the evenlng was the boai race, eleganuy coordinated by Jess and Camilla- but (due to their near lethal inebriauon I suspect) ended up with a drinking free ior all and somehow hockey being awarded the prize for the race. Utterly unfair, I'm sure yo!'ll agree when you take into consideration the number of drunken scantily clad freshers in the hockey team that no doubt tried it on with the DJ.

O'lce lFe food was over. so was ll-e -emaining conscioLsness of many of lhe rFvellers. [,4any may remember soeing a na'rber of the football team examining his shoe s for a couple of hours before being roused, or many charged young males covered in blue make up wondering how it got lhere. . .. .. . . . ..

All in all a superb nlght with the sports teams again confirming thai no one can party quiie llke medics. We hke 1o thlnk that we are the inte lectual cream of the crop, the ultimate in mental development attaining a level of bioLogical !nderstanding few can aspire to.

What we really are, are PISSHEADS. Brelt "The Daddy" Rocos

Galenicals SPorts Clubs' a life in the bubbles of...

Girls Football Girls football is one of those uP and coming medics sports and they are now about as rowdy as the boys.

Favouring blue body paint the girls involved are always at the centre of noise and sexual controversy at every sports event. Able to hold their drink consistently well, the girls have raised their prolile his year Contact Jo via the website for details of practices and fixtures!

Mixed Basketball Yo yo yo! B ball is in the house Mo foes and they are here to stay! TheY shoot hoops and bouncing balls up there with the best. Cunently holding the record for the most expensive piece of damaged furniture at the sports club dinners, basketball need no encouragement to be crazy and have a laugh (thafs have a giraffe if you speak cockney rhyming slang!) Catherine is you hostess for this sport, and will be happy to guide you in. the appropriale direction for practices and matches. Again, contact via

augny. Beer. Girls. Nudity. Not really much more to say. The men's rugby team are the quintessential team of large bulky men who use catching an oval ball as a reason to pound lhree colours of shite out of other like minded souls. Proud owners of the DHB vomit bucket, they are not to be underestimaled. Pete and George will be honoured and proud to see you at practices, the details for which they will happily email to you if you contact them on the website!

/

Men's Football Some call it the game of the Gods.

The rest call it football. With such a self explanatory title what else can be said?

Under the capable leadership of Mr Andrew Hall MaD, the mens football team is a focussed group of athletes dedicated to reaching the pinnacle of the game, a feat they move ever closer to achieving. lf you want to .ioin these fine specimens of human endurance and athleticism, email Andy from the webpage.

\

We also have running, squash, badminton and tennis teams beginning or in the Pipeline. KeeP checking the sports club pages online, coz that better then sending you all emails that you don't

My favourite sport and indeed what they definitely play on Mount Olympus and in any heavenly state you would care to mention, Lacrosse is the game for the true sportsmen.

Speed agility strength and finesse are all required for the game demanding exceptional skill and talent.

Having said that, you can be a competent player within minutes! Most of the team are freshers this year, and all are welcome to the Palace of Lacrosse.

Responsible for wearing pink to nearly every social and singing some of loudest songs know to man, Lax (as ihey like to be called) is the game for the truly blessed. lf this is you, email Kate or Emma (who's real name is Moz) to get the details!

A blood stained bruised drunken man, a drunken woman with a nail protruding trom her breasts, a drunk driver with whiplash suffering post traumatic stress disorder. This road kill rampage began the carnage, the night that was our last sports club dinner. Confused? Some of the most grotesque and twisted themes for sports club dinners have emerged from the depths ofthe hockey team. And who can blame them. There is a fine line between genius and madnessthe hockey captains have just always been on lhe wrong side of it! But, if you fancy playing for these fine fellows then Jess or Dan are the guys to talk to. Just don't speak loudly, they are a little unstable.... best emailthem iiom the

Big butch shemales with arms like tree trunks and shoulders like a blacksmith- these girls are not. These lovely ladies like to weave and dodge their opponenls leading to a lack of unnaturally developed muscle. Fun and frolicky with a penchant for cocKails and challenging the men's team to consume vast quantities of fluids (which I hope is beer, but I couldn't be sure) means that these fillies are full of life and a spiffng addition to the roster of medical school teams. Email Camilla or Megan for details soon!

Ladies Rugby.

Net'Ball'

The season has only just begun so not a huge amount of hilarity to report (hopefully a little fiore now..ed).

I\,,lany medics young and old have now realised that a bunch of bulch lesbians really do have more fun so have joined our ranks. I was extremely impressed with the enthusiasm and commitment showed by the team at the recent initiations. Special mentions must go to Anna for her frolicking with the opposite sex in full view of her boyfriend and 1o Kal for'strengthening' relations between girls and boys rugby.

When your alarm goes off at 5.30 am the morning afler the l\,ledics Ball - you're either ;n the midst of a horrific nightmare or it's some kind of disgusting jokel But No, oh no, while most of you were comfortably tucked up in a warm bed nursing your well earned hangovers, your dedicated Galenicals netball team were dragging themselves up and out in order to battle it oul in Nottingham at the'NAMS'Final.

The standard this year is worryingly high. Every single gid can catch a ball, no word of a lie. No-one's broken anything yet and wete allenjoying ourselves very much under the guidance of l\rrAdlam. I have a good feeling about this season, I think we have the potential to even win a match. lf you would like to join our team, you?e not too late. Contact me via email; ubhwdc@bris.ac.uk Meg x

Black Bag is always fascinated by all your iting sporting tales of heroism and woe please keep them running in. We just on't know whal we'd do without them.

After triumphantly beating Cadiff last year, we earned ourselves a place in the national tournament. Great we thought, an opportunity in which we could exhibit our talents. Prior to the Ball an occasion that we naively believed we would relish. How little did we know how much we would live to rcglet it.

Afte. a painful stad to the day with many a raging hangover roaring, a gruelling 4hour mini-bus journey and some exquisite on-board projectile vomiting courtesy of Niki, you could say that perhaps we weren'l exactly on tip{op form. ln order to maintain pride and dignity I think it's kindest not to go into any more detail on performance or to mention any scores. Let's just say better luck next year - eh girls!

So many thanks to Mel and Niki for ali their hard work organising the netball team last yearll And Good Luck to Elaine and Sophia who've now taken over captaincy.

(But please gir's... no more tournaments from helll)

The duties of an lntercalator registered with lhe General lntercalator Council Rats and Cadavers must be able to trust intercalators with their lives and well-being. To justify that trust, we as a group have a duty to maintain a good standard of drinking and sleeping as well as to show respect for human life that exists before 10am. ln particular as an intercalator you must:

-

make the care ofyour pinuwine glass your first concern; treat every barman/barmaid politely and considerately; act quickly to protect drinks from risk, especially if you have good reason to believe that you or a fellow intercalator may nol be fit to hold them; try and respect Pure ldle Science Students'(P|.S.S.) eagerness and believed knowledge; listen to and then question thek views/answers; give all your information in a way they can never understand; respect the riqhts of P|.S.S. to dislike you because you are better; keep your medic flatmates and friends up late; recognise that there are no limits to your scientific competence; be honest and trustworthy (except when you plagiarise); respect and prctect confidential information (except all good gossip); work with fellow intercalalors in the ways that best serve your own successes. avoid abusing your position as a intercalator and get up by at leasi 1pm everyday; and make sure that your degree's beliefs do not cloud your true medic mind set;

ln all these matters you must never discriminate unfairly against your Pl.S.S. colleagues (except the really geeky ones). And you must always be prepared not to justify your actions to them.

GTP

Reviews Book reviews

- Looking for answers by Dr Tony Cole - The 6th Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine

PDA review

- Dr Gompanion

Website review

- oneexamination.com

Restaurant review

-

Zero Degrees, Bristol's very own microbrewery

Book Reviews Looking for answers, by Dr Tony Cole I do not as a rule like books that begin with a question. There are of course exceptjons, but I fear that this may not be one of them. To make matters worse the question is so obscenely dull that it makes you wonder from the outset whether you wish to go any further in Tony Cole's quest for answers. The question ;s this: Cole is rotan lrsh name so how did my father's ancestoE come to be faming in Mill Toun Pass in yyesl Meafh? Not a good start and whib it is perhaps unfair to judge a book on its first 23 words it is equally unfair to do so by its cover But it is hard not to. The unimaginative mottled green background inspires no sympathy for the publisher, the cover photo none for the author. As for the queslions lo which Dr Cole seeks answers they largely concem his role as'a Christian in medicine and law'(the subtitle of the book) and, as such, revolve around the key moral and ethical issues faced by society, especially doctors, today- abortion, gene theaapy, cloning etc, so he addresses these whilst along the way we trace the familly history including Cole's wartime upbringing. In this sense it is not so much the content that is dull, but the way in which it is conveyed, with such stark lack ofdetail that it is almost childlike. Thus, the air raids of 1941 are described as 'particularly severe' and lhe apparenlly fascinating stories of hard winters' that Dr Cole 'well recalls' from his aunt are not shared with the reader. When he does tum his attenlion to detail it seems eilher absurd or simply stupid: 'My mother Vera (only after her death did I learn that she was baptised l\,lary Veronica)', fascinating;

'Later, when oldei, really?, or the classic'lt is suprising how even small children had instincts for survival in wartime', refening to a childs remarkable gift for running away when being shot at with machine gun. We can see thal he is trying to probe philosophical questions about mans inate stale and he clearly seems suprised that these children are not as docile as the birdlife on the Galapagos, but we just don'l care enough.

I read the book in a 12 hour sitting on my way home from Bolivia. I had about three hours sleep and at 6am boarded American Airlines flight 922 from La Paz to Miami. The ffight was routed via Santa Cruz in the Amazon Basin and for some reason, by the time the meandering river came into view I had started to read Lookng forAnswe's.ll was 7am- By 7pm, when I boarded my flight from Miami to Heathrow, I had finished. I started il for a number ot reasons. I had finished all the other books I started out with, the aircraft was being piped full of Michael Bolton music and the man in front seemed to think the world wanted to know about about his extensive knowledge of computers (him:'you got 3 gigs?'-..her: 'yeh, 3,000 photos'...him: 'we need to do a litltle data transfer'...me:'l couldn't give a F*k'). I started it to escape, and because I had said I would read it. lt was at this point that I got into conversation wilh the man beside me. I could not understand why he seemed so interested in my book until it transpired that he was actually the editor of a major american medicaljournal. He gave me some tips on writing bad reviews, namely keep it brief, but by this point I akeady knew that I could write novel about this one. He then launched into an impromplu tutoial on lropical medicine (his reason for being in South America) which keep me out of trcuble for a good half an hour Retuming to Dr Cole's story as the plane merged seemlesslylrom one continent to the next I came to something that actually interested me- the author's training at Bristol.

This short chapter (only 16 pages long) does fer some interesting insights. We leam of the bombed out spaces on Park Street, the old Mums and Dads scheme {'each student was allocated a moraltutor to be a ftiend, philosopher and guide') and even that Dr Cole was a

a member ol Galenicals. He goes on to talk about his elective in the states, during which time he becomes ihe ever so slightly annoying'dactar Cole'. lt s interesting too to leam that while 'medical ethics was not part of the murse' the BRI was 'at the height of its reputation - a reciprocal relationship that deserves, peahaps, further exploration by the dean and co. Cole cleady seems to have been infected with lhe same kind of heroic drivel that we are force-fed in week one, revealed when he states, 'no wonder Bristol medics were regarded as difterent..they were known for liking a drink and laying hard, but they were on the front line and seeing the fighl for life every day'. lt was in moments like this that I started to lose my laith in the naratot On discovering that his favourite haunt was'The Berkeley' (albeit a different one) I started to slip: when he concluded that his time at Bristol was 'a bit too relaxed' I lost my grip and with the comment that follows, a naive sweeping geeralisation, I came clean off and just kept on falling. 'The United States is a very beautiful country not always â&#x201A;Źppreciaied by the Americans, who seem to look al the scenory largely through the lens oftheir cameras before driving on'. lfyou say so'dactar Cole'-

lhe author and anyone else who finds a joke about paediatricians being 'doctors who are paid to be peed on' funny) is taking the idea of niche a bit too fat Doctor Cole cerlainly comes accross as a decent human being, who was clearly an excellent doctor with a high profile in the catholic church, but that simply isn't enough. lt is somewhat puzzling, lhen, when he reveals his 'one great lesson in lite. lf you have anything worth saying, it can be said in one sentence'- I couldn't agree more, Reading this book has, however, taught me one valuable lesson. Anyone can wite one. ln fact, I'm planning one mysef. I going to write it when I retire. lts going to be about my ordinary life as an ordinary doctor. l'll call it My /tfe, byme. Sounds good doesn't it? Bet you can't wait.

Jt\4

It is with senlences like the one above thal Lookirg for Arsevers becomes litlle more than as exercise in poverty of style, if not poverty of thought in addilion and wilh this in mind it s ultimately hard to see who would actually want to read it. lt is clearly aimed at a niche market, but any book that appeals only to catholic doctors who wenl to Bristol University and later becamâ&#x201A;Ź magistrates (ie.

Spot the difference

Baby Kumar and Clarke

Baby Kumaa and Clarke

The 6th Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine Nrention cheese and onion to your man on street, and he will start reminiscing of a slightly crushed packet of a salted snack found in his lunch box as a schoolboy, or perhaps salivale to the though of a tasty little accompaniment to a couple of pints down the pub.

Refer to the same three words to a medical student and you will have opened the floodgales to an entirely different stream ofthought. The cheese and onion (pre Walker's revolution) or its lesser used, more formal name, the oxford clinical handbook is an essential piece of kit for any med student or house officer. lt provides you with comforl blanket lo which you can cling to in limes of need. Be it defending yourself against the threat posed by a vicious consultant, trying to establish what on earth the peculiar symptoms of the gentleman on ward E adds up to, or if you just fancy a bit of gentle reading to ease a guilty conscience, you only need to reach for your trusty companion. So when I tell you that the sixth edition has just been published I can only imagine your excilement and you might well be on the verge of dancing a smalljig around the room. But what does this Mecca of medical knowledge have new to of{er?

Well inilially lo look at, not very much. Despite the sligh! ly more liberal use of green on the cover design, it's the same size, has the same wipe clean plastic, and still has those ever so useful coloured ribbons dangling out the botlom. No real surprise, ifs a classic design, hied and tested, why bolher changing it. Once it's been cracked open, you can effodlessly guide through allthe old favourites, flitting frcm medicine to surgery at the merc turn of a page. As ever. it prcvides comprehensive. no nonsense information on the vast majority of conditions that you will be likely to encounter The reams of text are gently spruced up with the delicate use of colour ln addi tion to this there are numerous coloured illushations peppered throughout, that prcve useful at helping visualise what is going on. The handbook contains a brief selection of core ECG readouts, invaluable to have at hand when attempting to decipher a seemingly messy page of scribbles- Furthermore this addition sees the introduction of a block of glossy colour photographs showing common signs along with X-ray plates that were present in the pevious handbook. The edition acknowiedges the escalating emphasis upon evidence based medicine and

as a result has included countless references to relevant paperc doted amongst the text. These can be easily viewed by accessing the handbooks website address, and the intention is to update these regularly. lt must be mentioned that the edition contains bang up to date information. Be it the tweaking of a certain value, an updaled algorithm or the advent of new diseases such as SARS, the handbook has got it covered.

So js it worth immediately rushing down to Walerstones/Blackwell and picking a copy off the shef?

Well the sixth addition has many welcomed and imprcved features; however lhe mainframe of the book is

essentially the same as previous copies. lfyou akeady have the pleasuâ&#x201A;Ź of owning a copy, then I would think caâ&#x201A;Źfully about spending you're precious sludent loans on updating your cheese and onion. lf you don't posses this indispensable'friend'then I would strongly recommend purchasing it. lt's an invaluable guide, and at 4am in the moming are you rcally going to trust yourself be able to remember the correct investigation and management for an elderly gentleman presenting with shortness of breath. Nah, didn't think so...... see you down the bookshop. JD

PDA review

br

C6hF .ton

We all rely on technology these days and our medical education is no exception. The PDA (Personal Digital Assistant) is an increasingty common sight on the wards and in lectures. lts applications do not tailthere though, as the diary functions can keep even the most disorcanised of us {almost) up to date and on time in all arcas of lhe increasingly hectic lifestyle of the average medical studenl. Bul beyond being an expensive toy, what can il really do. This is r.rp to you. There is a plethora of programs and accessories available which can be tailored to you needs. lt can provide light relief in the form of Tetris and Scrabble to help minimise suffering in mind numbing lectures or navigate you around fiendish peripheral attachments using the Ato Z. Medical programs abound for PalmOS (the mosl common operating syslem) but most of these have a single application, either they are a textbook, help you to interpret blood gas results or calculate BMI an so on. One package stands out head and shoulders above lhe rest; Dr Companion.

It contains, to name but a few, the BNF, the oxford hand-

books of clinical medicine, clinical specialities, medical dictionary anatomy, NICE guidelines etc...Drcompanion comes on an SD card (this slands for secure digital, quite like a big SIM card and 'secure' means you can only use it on one machine). The paramount feature of Droompanion is ils reference tilles. Other, similar programs provide analogous information but from less well known titles which are often Arnerican. The familiar formal ofthe great British institutions of the OHCM and the BNF make it a f.iendly acquaintance. And having them all in one place is the real bonus. Easy navigation from program to program and simple search and bookmaft functions leave it uncluttered and straightfoNard to use.

And it picks up from where you left off.

One concern was how other people would receive it, a flash git? a computer geek? Well on the whole fellow students were very interested and a few, rather green eyed, many of the consultants seemed lo believe it was the best thing since the advent of sliced bread. Nurses on the other hand were a different siory with cries and squawks of'you're not allowed mobile phones on the wards!'and so on, accompanying is unveiling.

The rnajor drawback is price. lt costs e300. A pretty penny if paid up front, but if you add up the individual costs of all the lexlbooks. it's a massive savrng.

All in all. thrs gadget will help avoid you damaging your

spine by lugging around an anthology of medicine plus help you to sound like a clever- clogs on ward rounds; providing you can establish a sneaky way in which to clap your eyes on your fountain of knowledge, conveniently tucked into the palm of your hand..

UnitedHingdrni

R -.,-

ffi

ICD 10, DSM IV,

Oxford Handbooks, Medicines Compendium

So just how do you get your hands on this little rcvision gem? lt's dead easy - just go along lo wwwonexamina-

tion.com and register. Thafs it! lt costs medical students €30 for 4 monlhs access to the site, but MDU members get a 50o/o reduction. Considering that each EMQ book costs at least 115 and they don't cover a fraction of what this site can, I think this is excellent value for money.

Ullimately this sile is an invaluable tool for any medical student taking exams and represents great value for money.

For more infornation on the sile, or to try our ftee question of the day, please visit www.onexamination.com, and follow lhe student link, or call onexamination.com on lel.029 2075 7744, er<I.2152.

Restaurant review

Website review wwwoneexamination.com According lo George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950), activity is the only road to knowl€dge. lfthis is true, then I suggest a hop, skip and a jump along the information superhighway to visit wwwonexamination.com. This web site offer by far the most comprehensive anay of medical questions on one site. With a vast anay of EMQS and MCOS to choose from, this is every termed medical students' dream. Not only c€n you pick the questions by style, but you can also pick them by speciality, or for exam cramming a wide selection from each speciality.

And the best bit of all? Just one click of lhe mouse tells you the corroct answerl So no more flicking to lhe back of the book lo oheck you've got it right every five seconds. Better slill, no more rubbing all the answers out so you can re{se the book (or alternatively, feeling guilty aboul leaving lhe answers in when handing the book back to the library). Hurrah! Each answer comes with a short paragraph giving you just aboul as much information as you would want. For lhose ot you thirsty for more, there are offen links to useful sites and online tutorials.

The site gives you a detailed breakdown of your progress and gives you the option of showing you all your scores or only your last attempts. ln order to prcpare you for postgraduale life, where passing exams is not only based on your scores, but those of otherc, the site also allows you to gauge yourself against olher students using lhe site, to help monitor your progress. With over 90,000 site users answering more than 30 million questions in the past 8 years, I think it's safe to say its a faidy accurale compa son.

wwwonexamination.com is an incredibly easy site to use, with lots of really good features. As well as all ofthe questions, you can find revision advice, interesting news updales, links to useful sites and tutorials, and discounts on several medical books

The speedomeler reads 90nph, the clock 19.30 and the temperature guage a balny 32 degrces. Sonelhing is not quite ight. The cat sways atuund the com6r and lurches out inlo the centtal cadageway, ghaking for a moment trcm side to sido, batorc evontually ighting itsef belween the two white lines. I rub my eyes and for a tuief instant can see clearty, I am tired, this is podfolio deadlihe week in obs and gynae and I haven't changed my clothes for fou days. There is much morc wotk to do and this is no time fot recreational activilies let alone drugs, but lhe glamout of BIa* Bag editorship has thtovn my sense ot rcason. Medicine can wait, lot therc is tlrotk to be done. Tonight we have a rcstauftnt to rcview. I am sixty minutes away and due therc in thitv. I switch to Led Zeppelin 4, turn up the volume and step on fhe gas.

After comfortably slumbering in the realms of Channel4 educational ry punctuated only by healthy doses of Phil and Fern and a neighbours double bill. My t'tanium Rotary wristwalch bounces g€ntly upon lhe soothing rhythm ot my radial pulse, a mere artefact of life on a paediatrics attachment. I stretch back on the sofa and kick off my shoes. Life as an editor lts not all bad. As ! slowly become aware of the audible presence of a ringtone, my Nokia 62'10, portable telecommunications device jumps to life. I answer. lts Jim.

Alight. Having a nightmare. What time's the table?

Elght

Right.l'llca you v/hen I'n in Bistol F**k, bollocks.

The phone goes dead. I rest it back on the table and set the kettle to boil. 'Pot of tea, anyone', I yell, before heading ofi to run a bath. l\,'ly mind turns itself to what short story to read and the eternal bathtime question- radox or not?

mounted, plasma screen TV presenling soundless footballto the eating masses, a strange choice for a restaurant perhaps. lts unlikely to attract hordes of noisy fans, but there are the odd few. At the table opposite two neglected women stare at their football shirt clad husbands who stare back making eye contact only with the television.

To starl with we are both tempted beyond variety by the beef carpaccio- a classic in anyone's book. A bottle of Sicilian Nlerlot (D islinlo 2002) makes a flne companion.

The menu is simple- pizza, pasta or for the really adven-

turous sausaqe and mash. We both opt for pizza, a simple choice spiced up wlth a creative twist, the addition of pear and gorgonzola. Wg follow wlth coffee and the most expensive whisky in the house. Did I mention.that we're not paying.

Zero Degrees culs an imposing figure on the landscape, sitting between Park Row and the Chdstmas Steps. lnside, its convoluted retro-modern industrial pipework is blend€d to good efiecl with an almost alpin€ approach to woodwork and the intermitlont use of plate glass, occasionally providing a window through the floor to the stark underfloor neon lighting. The quiet ambient light offers welcome relief from th€ noisy herds of post work drinkers, oager lo pul off the long walk hom€- the same walk that we now face on this cold Nov€mber night.

Zero Degrees Brisiol 53 Colston Street Bristol BS,I 5BA Tel: 0117 252 706

OpenTdaysaweek After circumnavigating the building we finally find the door and are greoted at the desk byAmber. She gives us the choice of going straight lo the table or taking a drink in the bar first. There is, of course only one answer to such a question so we head to the bar. ll is by no moans over busy, bul the ample underseating leaves us with no choice but to stand. The beer, though, more than compensates- the pilsner a refeshing lreat, the pale ale sublime.

Once ai the lable we take anolher beer. This is afterall a microbrewery. That said, its not going to stop us from trying every other drink in the place and besides, we'rc not paying. Stoneless olives with chilli accompany the menus- big, flimsy, plastic sheets adnored wilh glossy pictures of various choice ingredients. They clearly want to be cutting edge, a little bit different, bul its all a bit too cumbersome- like a brcadsheet iood newspaper, produced by Sainsburys. Above the lable is a flal, wall

Happy Hour 1600-'1900, Monday-Friday Pint 41.75 Half €0.95

Essay:

The Role of Psychiatry in the Diagnosis of Religious lllness

commander of the Russian navy announced that a nuclear submarine was liable to explode very soon Maybe the wo.ld was about to end, but deep down I still meaning as they told me that the world was going to end, and then I felt that the Jehovah's witnesses, well perhaps jusl a were all)' (offering life and etemal me realised- There were two Jehovah's witnesses sianding at were aboul my friend a Christian to mv doot. I would normalty have made my excuses and little bit crazv. I spoke wilJehovah's that I thought how cl;sed the door, bul since my interesl in religion, the fate encounter, teiling lhem ratioour agreed' they and though of the world and of mankind had recently manifested itself nesses were deluded friend explained to me how in my life in lhe more or less tangible forms of Dontio nals were quite different. My that a select bunch will beliove Darko, an alpha course at Chdstchurch in Clifton and a Jehovah's witnesses only logic in their eyes A ridiculous book by CS Lewis, I was keen to hear more. Having seen ever make it to heaven. will be saved Here Christians Ihe Losf Boys, however, and being well versed in such when you consider that all witnesses were Jehovah's was a tricky situation. I thought dangers, I did not deem it necessary to invite them in_ lthought were deluded they deluded, mv friend thought deluded' I was they thoughl They explained to me how Jesus had foretold the end of mv friend was deluded and psychiatry help could the wo d, when 'nation will rise against nalion and king- So now what? Perhaps dom against kingdom' (l\4athew 24:7), 'there will be food Sims, is,'a false, unshake_ shortages' (Mathew 24:7), 'pestilances' (Luke 21:11) and Adelusion, according Andrew is out of keeping with a patient's 'increaaing lawlessness' (Mathew 24:12) amongst other able idea or belief which background.. held with social things. lt was all very interesting and if true, although lrag- educational, cuttural and subjective certainty'' and ic, allour lives would at least briellyressemble those lived extraordinary conviction maintain fixed beliefs we all out in Hollywood blockbusteF.l began to to wondet What Essentiallv then, as long as not deluded and psychiatry is would happen the day after tomoroM Would we still be throuqhout ou. lives we are means that if I this though, here? lnteresting as this notion was I did not credil it with of ntuse. Problematically cla6sed as becom€ I will wilness anymore likelihood than my recurring daydream that all become a Jehovah's intercertain while deluded lwillbe the animals escapefrom BristolZoo enabling me to set up deluded. Not only that, then' sectioned being To avoid will not. e big game hunting operation on ihe Downs. With this in nalional terorists end of the aboutthe the leaflet disregard mind idid not accept their ofier to come in and read the lhave decided to bdght strangely with a next time someone bible. I did, however, continue to rcad their leall€t after world and the hazy, yet persistant gaze they had left, retreating, no doubt, back to their watchtow- overcoat and an un-naturally my logic and point I shall explain door, €r to look out for the floods l told myself that rny interest knocks on my psychistrist back me up JM to a of was perhaps related lo the general sense of pervading them in the direction doom that accompanied the forthcoming OSCE, but lhe what some may perceive to be a mocklng, antimore lthought about itthe more it started to sound at least PS: ln spite of I would r€commend the alpha couBe to enyone relioious tone plausible. Later thal day the middle €ast crisis hit rock botinle-resled ln teligion. lt may nol have worked for me' but I was i.tm as ell involved vowed to creale hellon earth and the csnainly inter€sting giving it a try I knew instantly from their sirangely bright overcoats and the un-natural hazy persistance of their gaze lhat some' thing was amiss. I was unaware of exactly what until they

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'Yeah, always is 'round here...'

Annual Dinner We lhought we would just whet your appetite with a srEak p.eview

The Anlual- Blad< R.g

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the menu for lhe annual 'Black Bag Gala Dinner'.

cala Dirrrer

2004

Menu Blacldcag lxrddiJlg

*** Ctt.icJrcn arul green IE$Ers in a EtacJ$ag bean sauce served with: boj-l in a Bl,add:Eg

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*** Btacldcag Fbr:rest cateau *** Bladdcag coffee

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Blacl$ag Magic d)ocolates

**:* Ylusic prc\rided bD/: Blacldcag Setbath arlal tlre Biad$ageyed peas

D€ss: s:Eictly Bladdceg tie Glests

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this space

Sharing the Caring

wirh James Direy

With ever shifting focus towards palient cenked care and the curent climate of escalating patient demands, rnedica students and doclors aiike could be forgiven for neglecting lhernselves. How useful is lhat? Not very we think. ln ihis new feature to Black Bag, we aim to highlight various treacherous conditions that we ourselves may suffer. ln this issue we look at the sponlaneous pneumothorax, and shine the spotlight on some of your contemporises that are potentially at risk. lf you looks in any medical textbook, you'll quickly be able lo ascertain iour key aetiological features. These are:-

" " " "

Tall

Thin Male Young ( 10-30 years)

Below are those sludents we think you need io keep an eye on. B ack bag urges you to be vigilant of symptoms of s!dden breaihlessness when with them.

,l

Ager Young

Build: Thin Sex: Male Age: Young

Thornton, Simon HeightiTall Build:Thin Sex: I\,4ale Age: Young

Verdict: AT RISK

Verdict: AT RISK

Verdict: AT RISK

Grieves, Nick He ghi: Tall Build:Thin Sex: I\,4ale

Robinson, Peter Neight:Tall

Tales from the underground- Gloucester

t

crime had this disparate group, living in post apocalyptic isolation, thrown together through chance and circumstance, ever commited. I wanted to find Clive there and then, fall on my knees and beg. 'Six months', I would shout (as I capped my hands gentlly around his kneecaps), 'why, WHY?'. But as I thought about it more moved from anger and pity to guilt- why them, I thought? I wanted to empathise. to share a flat with an 18 year old sporls science student, to hold a University of Cheltenham and Gloucester lD card with my name and my photo on it, to use their sports facilities. I even wanted to drink in a pub where someone would ldid not come to Gloucester threaten to 'stab (me) in the unprepared, for impressions of f.king eye, you c'*t'. The ideas it had filtered through from for- raced through my head in a mer inmates. Even if it weren't buzzing crescendo which grew for their uninspiring tales, I won- so loud that I was about to grab der whether the prospect of the hold of my head and fall agaln 'cathedral' or the'historic docks' to the ground, and then, when I (imagine their names flashing in could take it no more, it stopped neon and exploding, like Dirk and all I felt was relief. I knew Diggler in Boogle Nights) would that Gloucester sat midway have been enough to provoke between the bustling city life of delusions of grandeur, grand Bristoland the calm of the counenough to disperse the Fred tryside, that it was the imperfect West inspired clouds of melan- combination of neither and that I choly that arise in my mind was to spend the next month every time I think of the place. there, but that was all. I realised Thinking back further still I don't that I was powerless to change even recall Dr Foster enjoying anything. lcould do nothing to himself much here. But a help those poor individuals, the month, I told myself, anyone first of many who would suffer a can do it for a month. Just as it similar fate. All I could do was seemed I was learning to accept be thankful that it wasn't me. I the inevitable I found myself recalled how a midwife, earlier plunged headlong into despair, in the week, had told me that but this was not my own- a she worked in Gloucester, but chance meeting in the pub with lived in Cheltenham. 'l suppose some faces I would have once I'm a snob', she said, and she recognised brought the shock- was probably right, but who can iE truth of the academies home blame her for that. to me for the first time. What

is seven thitty on a thursday evening. lam in Gloucester.

The rest of my firm has left, gone back to Bristol. Not me.

Tomorrow morning at half past eight I shall be in theatre. That, at /easf, is my plan. I sit at my desk and look around the room: before me my untouched obs and gynae portfolio, behind me a small single bed, all around me large white breeze blocks and outside a view...of reality.

So much for plans, I'm leaving. I pack my bags quickly, realising for the first time in my life that the desire to leave a place can ovetwhelm the desire to go to another, and ten minutes later I am in the car.

I

Half an hour later I find myself

stuck in traffic on the M5. I should be home by now. Up ahead there is a junction, but I can't yet read the sign. Surely lhis is the one. I am battered from the psychological ordeal, the journey I have let happen because time stood sti , but my spirits staft to lift at the prospect of seeing 'BRISTOL', light up, its reflective qualities awoken in my headlights. As I draw closer it becomes all too clear that this will not be the case. Like a character in a film trying to escape an assailant who looms impos-

every doot I feel trapped. The sign before me sibly

at

seems fo bask tauntingly in the warm glow of my headlights and laughs back at me, menacingly repeating the word I don't want to hear- Glouceste, Gloucester, Gloucester... left Gloucester fody minutes ago and I have only just got there.

I

Were this fictional, I would have hit a diversion which left me with no choice but to return lo my hospital accomodation with the prospect ever escaping, unceftain. As it happens though this is true. There are two junctions for Gloucester and I have just travelled between them.

The tratfic gathers pace and I am soon neaing Bistol with its bight lights, polluted streets and smoke filled bars. Finally,

of

somewhere I can breathe. JM

ln the next issue

Letters to the editors Dear Sils, Regarding your article about the so called politically correct black, lesbian doll, I would like to remmind you that 'disabled is no longer the correct term and would prefer if in future you would use lhe term 'disehabled"

You6 sincerely, Ron Atkinson

Surely not, Me, me, me, me...

How to Cheal in Exams, Clown about Town, Sharing the Caring, lvedicalTop Trumps, Ask Elaine Bristol is Shit. We agroe Battle of the Barmen ..,and so much more Black Bag welcomes any submissions, Email to: jd1384 and jm1297@bds.ac.uk

Dear Sirs, was frankly disgusted by the savage treatmont of the upper classes in your 'Arrogant l\4cThailand' artlcle (bag2oo4rl). Just because you didn'i hav€ a disposable fund of f2000 kindly donat€d by Daddy doesnt moan you can rubish our enlightening gap year experiences. I say, grow up, you working class, state school Philestines. I'll be glad to see the back of you when I ofi to work in the City. Getyourselves a trust fund you poor baslards.

I

Get nexi issue free Why not take advantago of this unique offor available exclusively to Black Bag readors and 9€t the next issue free. Simply cut out keep the cheeky medical caricatures below and take them to your newsagents

f'k BLADDER

Yours grudgingly A.N,lcThailand

McWHIRTER

tl\D]

Prose Punctation- an introduction Prose punctuation is the latest literary trend to make its way over from the states full stop The epicentre of this speech marks new wave speech marks phenomenon... (continued on page 76).

Diving Bells and Butterflies When the landlord at my local offered me another drink at 11.30pm I naturally obliged. lt is not everyday, after all, that you get a lock in However, having the tendency to 'overmilk' such a situation I soon found myself 'overpiss6d', yet another victim of locked in syndrome. I had got pissed to the point of paralysis. As such I was forced to convey this article through a series of winks in such a way that each movement of the eyelid represented a letter of the alphabet...(continued on p.104)

SENOR

PROSTATO

QVC- quote of the issue (the duvet special) Down, it protects the organs of the bird. lts there for luxury. Look after these cause they will look after you.

WENDYWOMB

What, who, when?

Friend of the editors This issues' friend of the editors is the Cardiff based surrealist playwrite and erstwhile data research analyst Roger Paul Norris Esq. His featured extract is taken from what he confesses to be 'still just a work in progress', but if this liftle taster doesn't make you salivate at the prospect of the finished play, then quite frankly we don't know what will.

Act 2, scene

The play: Sedge and the dubious whelk The author: RP Norris

RP Nonis: not actually a panot

The extract: Act 2, scene I

1

Dusk. On the other side of the oxbow lake the Moorhen attempts to barter with a merchant dragonfly for a postcard of a young corporal.

Sedge: (Goodhew with enw)Acclaim for you Pead, no stains for Hugh Searle, in a land such as this could Sedge toes...

Coot: curl...curl....CURL.....CURL? (snorting a crescendo then beginning a racing style commentary with a mildly pre-Glasnost attitude)......anditsthreeformyhoneytwoforhisloe...aringsideseatforhankeringtoottootfo.meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebbbbbbbbbbrrrrnrooooooooo.-.All tise, it's Ken HaP-stanley!! (a seatarer's holler) Cast all look to the sky, jaws a dropping, as a linely dressed Walrus (with sawdust mohican) adjusts his tie h mid-flight and alights gracefully beside the Moorhen who still barters (angrily now).

llB: only lhe linest actors will achieve the desir€d effect her€. As a reliable source I sugest Papa Purcmine'ssehool of Drama (Koppy Ddve).

Ken:

!!

Ioorhen:

??

Dr.gonfly: "[c€"

Ioorhen: &l?@rf#!l!!

Ken: Only the lonely can own me, SSSHHHHHHH (Walrus lifts flipper to his tongue and Coot looks on dsgusted). Now, now boys. We have a visitor. Gill's sent me all over boys, ....a..lll..o..w.eee.rnl Wten is busy doing physical jerks. Walrus walks past him tweaking his carriage-clock softly Be aware Wren, be aware that the time for jerks is ovet

l(€r:

Wrefl: Bolt it Russ, you've taken me timepiece, How would I knov/??

Sedge: He could never know it, time fer y'all to glow like a mullet-....m.o.o.ol.l.l.l.a.a.a.y.y.y!

Cd

in unison: MOOOOLLLLqAAYYY (Singing with flailing arms)...Dress 'im well (whispered to audi-

€'r)

Ilagonff yr'€€t€€€€€€€€€€" Cas in unison: Pipe Hitchwannnnrrd!! (following by repeated colonial bleating) Exeunl ONCE THE GAME IS OWR, THE KING AND THE PA'W GO BACK IN THE SAME BOX

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