2005 2

VOTED BRISTOL’S MEDIC MAGAZINE OF 2005,2004,2003,2002,2001,1999,1998,1997,1996

BLACKBA G HANDBAG Free of charge unless sold

Edition 1: Winter 2005

All the thsinidges you love in

*

Meat, theBlack Bag cover girl: Features

Who is this man? (p. 63.7)

Society

Who is the fittest medic?!

Turn to page 14!!!

OL? R U KO t da list Chek ou on p.20...

oes Black Bag d(p . 34) d rl o HorseW

Life etc.

THE NAKED BAG: A SEX TIP FOR ALS ASEXU

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7249.1 great ways to look HOT this winter!!!!

LOOK!!!!

DIGESTIBLE COVER!!!!!!

Shocking true stories...

“BEFORE I COULDN’T ORGASM BUT NOW I CAN’T STOP MYSELF!!!!!”

Dunkan St. Clare “My battle with piles”

“STUDYING MEDICINE MADE ME

LOOK 5 YEARS OLDER!!!”

Mission statement Society is unravelling. Crime is on the rise. Moral fibre is threadbare.The future beckons us with its grim filthy hands.We revel in the incipient destruction, attempting to celebrate while the world sinks like a rotting log in quicksand.

Into this fetid swamp of Bristol enters one man. Bag. Black Bag. A man, resembling a lump of coal, armed only with a broken biro. He stands at the top of the M32 and surveys the writhing bed of slurry before him.

It’ll take a long time to walk to the centre.

So he orders a taxi and checks into the Marriot. After an all-day breakfast, he reflects that life isn’t so bad after all.

Welcome to the first edition of Black Bag 2005/6. Read the edition if you must.We deal with all the classical contemporary issues you would expect in today’s society as well in the Medical School in a future edition. For the time being, relax, turn off the lights and enjoy...

27.30pm 14/9/87 674746.784.6822

Credits Editors...

Brian Mackay and Robert Rulach

Contributors...

Sam Davies, Rosy Glitterzone,Tamryn McConnell,Tom Miller, Amy Nicol Mike Ock, Emma Phillips, Kate Richardson, Peter Robinson,Tim Slade, Diana Slim, Lucia Sollazzi and Tommy While

Thanks to...

Mike Adlam, Simon Bell, Jim and James Dilley-Mooney, the HP Pavillion, ImagePrint, Maureen Johnson and the girls in the office, Sarah Macrow, Harry Mason, Libby Orchard and especially Hector Peebles Printed and mastered at ImagePrint, Queens Road, Bristol

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CONTENTS

Creatures

Features

Society p6 Pub Crawl

4 Spoofs & a First Year Those hilarious spoofsters get the Ist year.

Scandalled Eggs(-ams)

p7

Black Bag video nasty eggs-plains Exam fiasco.

Jez-a-matt-azz

p8

Meet Jez. He holds the key to all knowledge.

Kool4Kats

p12

You think you’re cool? Check if you’ve made the definitive Cool List....

Fitness to Practice Luvvin’ da Ravin’ Rev. Spiritual manna for those new to da ghetto.

It’s long, hot, sweaty and 155 miles long. It’s the Marathon de Sables.

e h t O

Sports review and clubs

p13

All your favourite medical societies covered.

Baggio Internazionale

p28

Based in Milan, our overseas correspondents bag us the trans-continental juice.

p16

Fillies, flanks and fights - HorseWorld has it all.

p22 Kidz Korner

p18

Play & learn. It’s better than tv & as addictive as crack.

p27 Storytime

Hot and Sandy

. . . s r

Just how does a quiet pint in the local degenerate into this?

Horses p14 HorseWorld

The hot bods of the med school bare (almost) all.

p10

p19

Settle your little ones with these fairy stories.

IT’S YOUR LETTERS, P4 * NEWS ROUND-UP, P5 * LOVE AND ROMANCE, P15 * ASK AMY, P24 * TRUE HORRORSCOPES, P25 * I SAW YOU, P26 INSIDE THE SSC OFFICE, P29 * BOOKWORMS, P30 * 3

F EED B A C K

Most doctors have been students at a medical school. Many have achieved the grade so why do they swan around like, well, swans, for want of a better description whilst we, the medical students, feel like we are wasting our time?

We've all been there. Sitting in clinic where the doctor hardly recognises your existence, never mind the fact you may actually have a modicum of intelligence. "I don't want to confuse you by giving you too much information," he says. "You don't need it at your level". I'm sorry but it's not rocket science! This may seem a somewhat radical opinion but we are often treated like geese. Our wings fully formed we could fly away but instead spend our best years penned in with groups of people we don't really like and consent to being force fed low quality food (teaching) to the point of vomiting. We are like foie gras!

As a supposed "voice box" for the medical school I expect you, Black Bag, to highlight this issue and do something about it!

Yours, Jerrold Henry, 4th Year

Blackbag says: Hey, thanks for that Jez(!). Chill out, yeah?! Deal with it!

Sir, To save money in the future, I believe the medical school is planning to use msn messenger to teach medical students in the peripheral academies. I'd like to say that although I am a big fan of the messenging facility in general, I cannot see how this would ever work in practice.

However, I would be in favour of using msn messenger to allow students to perform ward work and attend rounds from the comfort of their own homes. As this would negate the need for students to travel into hospital I think the faculty would have to agree this makes sound financial sense and will work in everyone's best interests.

Arthroplasty McValvulon, 3rd Year (twice repeated)

Blackbag says:An excellent idea but I doubt it will ever happen as not all students will have access to the internet at home.

Sir, I'm your biggest fan! I read the last edition and it was top but please could there be a naked, frontal centrefold photo of Sarah Birkenhead in the next one? Please!!!!

Sleazily, Brian Beefcakes (not my real name - that's Tom)

Blackbag says: Hmmm...We'd have to ask her but I'm sure she wouldn't have any objections.

4 Would it be for charity?

Hail the Feedback! Hail the Feedback!

I thought I would write a word of thanks to the people that be at our great Bristol Medical School.Thank you!!!!

Without your fantastic wit, we would be feedback-free, and that simply wouldn't do. Can you imagine if you had to go through your entire medical school with virtually no feedback? And lets face it, us giving them feedback is just as good as us receiving it you could say the whole thing was like Christmas - Clive (Father Christmas in this analogy) climbs down a small chimney and greets Mother Bear (David Cahill) at the table, setting out the sherry and mince pies (they are too late to have prepared the meal in advance of Father Christmas' arrival in the same way that they are too late in letting us know about accommodation issues at our academies, for example). Once into his seventeenth mince pie, FC says: 'Now isn't the act of receiving something so much better than the act of giving it.That is how I feel about toy trains [feedback in this growing analogy]'. FC packs the presents he had intended to give to the Bear Family into his sac and trundles up the chimney, no doubt getting quite stuck as he forces his fat stomach through a hole that should be big enough to accommodate it.And so FC leaves without giving the kids their presents, in particular their toy trains.

Maybe I would quite like a toy train. But then, it would be an awful thing to have a broken toy train - a train that, if you will, is devoid of any meaning‌follow me on this one.What would be the point of giving toy trains that had no way of fitting on the train tracks.

What would be the point? I hear you echo. What would be the point? And yet, this year, we all received a broken toy train, after our exams.Well, I can't wait for Christmas, and no doubt before, time and again, when we can ALL (all the Bear children) put pen to paper and give some great toy train-ness to the people that be at our Great Bristol Medical School.

Roll on Christmas. Maybe this year we will get a toy train.

I doubt it.

Phingz we bovva 2 lern...

ur...letters yo s It Sir,

News up your knows!!!

"Thieving Bastards Stole my Lungs"

BRI in Chaos after Freak Storm

Four children born out of wedlock accosted a wheezing man in the Gloucester Road area of Bristol last night.The asked him for money and his phone to which he replied "I don't have any money, but I've got some fags." The situation turned violent when the children (who had been smoking since the age of 2) wanted the man's lungs to smoke them with. The man is recovering in a pub.

This year's unpredictable weather has struck Bristol's premier healing shack. A shock tornado ate the Royal Infirmary up and splattered it across a widespread area.

The Oncology centre is now behind the hospital, the education centre is across the road, and the wards are haphazardly scattered throughout the area of devastation. A rescue operation is in action led by the Red Cross. All donations to the "DEC Bristol Tornado" gratefully received.

Smack is Addictive - New Proof!

“Vicky Ibrahim Nearly Self-combusted as a Promising new results from the SMAKKEDUP multi- Result of Excessive Workload” tribunal hears centre study have conclusively proven that heroin is Secretary extraordinaire Victoria Ibrahim was said to as addictive as food. A randomly controlled study be in tears yesterday following a enquiry into her took two groups of healthy people recruited from working hours, recently extended to 169 the population.They were separated into the Smack hours/week by University “monsters”. It was congroup who were given intravenous heroin for 1 cluded that she should be replaced by a trained month and the Food group who were given food chimp who would carry out the bulk of her work intravenously for the same time period. When both whilst she recuperates on a four day weekend benthe Smack and Food were withdrawn, both groups der. Ibrahim was reported to be “over the moon, expressed a wish for more. The study is set to run now get out of my office” at the decision. until 2009.

URGENT PUBLIC HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 4. requires excessive admiration 5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 7. lacks empathy : is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

Do YOU recognise the signs...?

If so, call FLANGE 078753 immediately.

You desperately need your tunnels skronked clean!

Source: DSM-IV

5

It’s the spoof again!

Once again, Galenicals successfully pull together to cynically trick the freshers in an institutionally rigged scam lecture...

4.45pm, Tuesday 4th October. E29. The Freshers were expecting the last lecture of the day entitled “Galenicals. Life as A Medical Student”. A strange atmosphere was brewing...Perhaps it was due to the verbose Clarke/Roberts introductory talk they had just sat through.Whatever it was, the emergence of ultra-arrogant Surgical Team Director (STD) Mr Windfall (excellently played by TomTeare) brought a shocking silence to the room as he unashamably ordered two chattering female students out of the theatre. With the audience now captive,Windfall began to visciously lambast the wee’uns for a letter (right) he had just received from ResNet regarding certain individuals who, according to their records, had been found to have been downloading pornographic material - a direct contravention of University rules for which the punishment is immediate expulsion. Silence.Windfall then powerfully thrust the letter in front of one poor individual who was forced to read out both the University’s policy on pornography and it’s carefully worded definition of pornography (right).The list of the main perpetrators (arbitrarily defined as those with >2GB of material downloaded) was then slowly read out by Windfall.

As the first distraught individuals began to leave the theatre, a rogue mobile phone began to ring, prompting Windfall to immediate confiscate and deposit the offending item into a conveniently placed pint of water.A shocking gasp was heard around the room.

Terror? Terror!

“I was terrified at this stage,” Johnny, Galenicals committee member, recalled. Windfall then briefly rubbished A levels before delivering a presentation which reinforced the absoulte importance of hardwork (see above left) and professional values. Alcohol, smoking or drugs would not be tolerated by the faculty (left). Now in full flow, the audience hung on his every word and struggled to write down the excessively long and expensive recommended reading list put up by Windfall for them to record. Suddenly his tirade was interrupted by the spectacular entrance of a disgruntled, top heavy SHO (Aliejse Kuur) who ordered the pompous arse out of the theatre door. Confusion reigned.What was going on outside? A domestic?

No-one knew what was happening but this was all part of the plan...

Arnold Turbot, the Medical Undergraduate Facilitator (MUF) (fabulously played by Nic Snelling incidentally) then calmly stepped up amid the chaos to get things back on track. His style contrasted sharply with Windfall and took the time to praise the new intake for the achievement of making it into Bristol Medical School. He spoke of the depth of talent in the year group, noting that there were some with 8 or 9 A levels to their name, one who had set up a school in Angola on their gap year and even one ex-olympic boxer!

Reiterating the high failure rate described by Windfall earlier,

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Turbot began to stress the importance of looking at alternative careers to medicine.

Briefly describing the pros and cons of some other health care professions, most notably Shiatsu (a lesser known complementary therapy), Turbot then introduced an unlikely triumvirate of former medical students to speak on his behalf about what they have done since dropping out of medical school.

The first to speak was Tom, a high flying lawyer (Rupert Ricks), who slickly put across a few potent reasons to follow his career path, chiefly: that it is easy, the money is good and the women are easy.

Few in the room would not sympathise with that viewpoint to some extent!

Next was LJ, a psychosexual counsellor (Robert Rulach), who talked frankly about his/her journey since medicine, which had led he/she to start a sexual help/promotional group at the BRI known as the “promo-sexuals” (see left).

Finally, Harry Scampers, a biochemistry PhD student (Brian Mackay), somewhat haphazardly dispelled the myth that biochemists lack a sense of humour (see left) and that biochemistry, “the Ferrari of the sciences” (Lord Winston), is boring.

And so Dr Turbot returned to the floor for a grand finale. Calling the students to join hands and rise to their feet, the 300 first years dutifully recited the “Bristol Students Oath”, possibly one of the most ridiculous pieces of English concocted in the name of medical education. .. Note for Freshers: The Medics’ Ball promotional video which featured the mind curdling 15min looped chorus of “Let Me Entertain You” was not part of the spoof but in retrospect should have been. Just wanted to dispel some of the confusion there...

You too can recreate that moment by standing up, holding hands with your neighbour and reciting with pride at full volume: “I do solemnly swear to undertake my duties as a student of the art and science of medicine, with due respect to those in my care and who I touch with the hope to heal with honesty and integrity. I will dispense my position and will learn to the best of my ability, for the benefit of mankind and henceforth will understand the nonsense of the past half hour as being merely a scammery until the end of my student days.”

Skandalicious!!!

Bored of Examiners?

Board of waiting for your exam results to be moderated by the Bored of Examiners? Do you wonder what they say behind closed doors? What deliberations do they go into to ensure that your grades are commensurate with the skills you showed in your exam? Black Bag planted a secret camera in the Bored Room and breaks this scandalous insight into those who hold our collective gonads in their sweaty hands.

In grainy black and white 8-mm, we have it all.We see the Bored Room.There is a window and a long table with many chairs. It slowly fills up with academics, secretaries and paperwork. There is a general kerfuffle as they all filter in. Finally we hear the doors shut, and the distant clunk of the lock. The Chairman initiates the meeting with a gravelly declaration, �Let's get down to business." After saying this, he and all the other male members of the Bored begin to urgently undress to their underpants and ties. A hamster cage is wheeled into view of the camera and is writhing with life.The camera softly picks up the whirr of the wheel.The female secretaries remain seated distant, dour and detached. A minion flicks on the hi-fi. The sound crackles with, then some loud funky house starts up.The secretaries, as if electrified, stand up in jerky unison, and in robotic tune with the fast beat of the Ibiza anthem, start hurling the examination papers skyward. The secretaries are all wearing stiletto heels, short black skirts and white button up shirts, which have been undone to reveal some cleavage. Like robotic sex-vixens, they cease casting the papers into the air and form a congo line of blatant sexual allures. The academics, semi-naked, form a line on the other side of the room, observing, mesmerised, as the secretaries dance, oozing with funk. The music starts to blend into some form of tribal beat, as remnant papers slowly flutter to the ground. Pounding and aggressive thumps drive the congo line into fierce gyrations.

Two male examiners produce a bucket of what seems to be baby oil, and using only their ties, in a frantic thrashing, lather the other examiners with the fluid of the bucket.To obtain more oil on ties, the bucket is tipped on to the Bored Room table, currently in paper meltdown, and the two acolytes hurl themselves into the puddle, and in a frenzied whirligig of thrusting and rubbing, smear all in their path. The papers, like obese, sullen snow cease floating down.There is a pause.Activity ceases.The lights are dimmed.The hamsters are released.

The pounding drums of "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes shatter the silence. The hamsters scurry and

WARNING: This page could be misinterpreted as smut. It carries a rating of 61%. Please don’t read if you are easily offended... scratch whilst the secretaries, still in their line, tap each other's bottoms with truncheons which have appeared seemingly from nowhere. Meanwhile the examiners mosh and flap oilily in the background, pogo-ing as if their lives depended on it. Forcing himself through this heaving mass is the lead examiner who leaps on to the table, his glistening skin erect and fleshy, and begins to gyrate wildly. All eyes are on him now as he reaches into the ceiling panels and reveals a vole. He holds the rodent up, as if some sort of trophy and shouts above the music, above the baying crowd, "With this vole I give forth those chosen to enter year two!" The vole is flung on to the wall, which it hits with a sonorous slap, and then slowly slivers to the floor where it is devoured messily by the rabid hamsters, which splatter the blood of the ill-starred beast across and throughout the room and on the papers which now line the floor.The examiner leaps off the table and into the slicked up academics, where instead of crowd surfing, he slips directly to the floor, screaming "Crazeeee man! Crazeeeeeee man!" before he is trampled by the horde.The song ends and the secretaries begin stamping their feet, slowly at first, and then quicker and quicker like some deranged rollercoaster which is out of control, saying "External Examiner! External Examiner!" The chant continues, faster and louder, and crescendos into this screaming demand, like a war cry, like the shriek of someone in their death throes.A rumbling occurs and this silences the secretaries. The camera is shaking like an earthquake. The table is blown out of the way as wood, carpet and mortar flurries about as a large oversized egg erupts through the floor. Whoever, whatever is inside, attempts to break out. The sound of weak kicks give way to finally a leg forcing its way out.The leg is withdrawn back inside the oeuf and an albumin covered man in a suit crashes through the shell yelling "University of Cardiff!" He lands on the floor and is cornered by the secretaries, brandishing their truncheons like in some Burgess-ian fantasy, slowly thudding them against their hands.The camera reveals not what happens, but it sounded feral and brutal, judging by the man's pitiful screams.

The picture is now empty of people, leaving only a room in disarray, papers, eggshell and blood littering the once sterile room. A voice is heard off camera, gruffly saying, "I don't care Maureen, just give them all Cs. Make it look good.And tell them to stop carpin on about feedback. And tell Cardiff that we're all square now."

N.B. No hamsters, voles, examiners, secretaries were harmed in making this film. An egg was slightly damaged but we glued it back together and the hen didn't even notice when we shoved it back underneath her. The tape is in safe hands, ready to come out, anytime anyone thinks of failing me (again).

Pros and cons of abortion at 22 years and 3 months post term (from the baby concerned): Pro death: 1.

I am mortal.

2.

I have been ill in the past, and this may occur in the future.

3.

I dislike life.

Pro life: 1.

Life is a rollercoaster.

2.

Life's like a box of chocolates.

3.

C'est la vie.

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Jez Connolly

s... t e e m g a B k c a l B

If knowledge is power then librarians should be some of the most powerful people in the world. Proverbial human turbines providing a clean, cheap and reliable source of energy to the masses.The lack of reasoning and logic in these opening statements is typical of the fact that relatively little is known about these custodians of knowledge.To that end, Black Bag decided to chat to Jez Connolly to learn more about the library, being a librarian and those spectacles...

What is your role in the library?

“We exist to help you to do it yourself. As facilitators if you like.

Professionally it's very satisfying for me to find out what people want and show them how to arrive at the answer themselves “I either look like somebody incredibly cool or a grand-dad? I rather than coming back to us every time they have a problem. can't make my mind up” That's an empowering thing. It's a transferable skill [database searching] that cannot be put off. It has to be learnt now."

Jez, I can imagine you must get bored working in the library. How exactly do you cope with the boredom?

"Hehe. I'm never bored! There is always plenty of work to get on with.”

Could you give an example? What would represent a challenging challenge?

“A challenging challenge?! I’d probably say a systematic review requiring a multiple database search. It can take a very long time.

Often a few hours to do that.”

What is your view on fines?

“They’re needed to get books back in circulation.They are however comparative to other universities and it is possible to renew books online. Book fines will not disappear and will continue forever but there are no plans to increase them.”

What is the policy on food and drink in the library?

“We have a strict food and drink policy but bottled water is ok.”

So what should you do if you see somebody drinking coke or eating an apple for example?

“Report it to staff at issue desk immediately. We do daily sweeps but I can’t tell you the times! We don't want to come across as pedantic as we do it for the benefit of everybody.With mobile phones it feels like its an argument we're losing as people are getting more and more used to them.”

Which students do you enjoy working with the most?

“Everyone's the same colour. I get the most out of working with students that are actually keen to use all the resources that they have access to rather than turn up and expect an answer like that without getting involved themselves.”

“You shouldn't die if you use the medical school library.You should be alright"

Are the library files used to profile students? Is this information freely available?

“It’s all confidential and bound by the data protection act. We only use it to see borrowing history. We’re not not profiling students! There are no black ops in the staff but then how would I know?”

Jez. Have there been any amusing incidents in the library?

“One evening in the mid 1990s shelving came off the wall in the A5 room (where medical history is) taking off the strip lights, ripping the supports in two and destroying some textbooks. If somebody were in the middle of it they wouldn't have made it but fortunately it happened in the evening so that's ok. The library has a clean slate as far as health and safety goes. No squashes to date.”

Have you ever had any "action" going on in the library? Any romance between the security guards?

"I haven't seen any blushes between members of staff the next morning. But no. Not among library staff.We're librarians for goodness sake! We don't do that kind of thing! Unquestionably there are pockets of the library that are not within the day to day scan of the staff so who knows what goes on in the oversize books! However there are no plans to install CCTV".

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What are your views on graffiti in the library?

"It’s selfish.The worst thing is highlighter pens."

What do you think about your colleagues?

“It is the best team that I have worked in! Sue is extremely knowledgeable, diplomatic with communication skills that I aspire to. Mike is incredibly thorough person and will absolutely find the answer to something that somebody asks him.”

What is the deal with those spectacles?!

"Hehe. I've had these since 1997. I really need some new ones! Am I an anachronism or were they retro when they came out? I don't know where I stand on this.

I either look like somebody incredibly cool or a grand-dad? I can't make my mind up."

What are your views about Harry Potter? Do you approve of the books?

"Yes, but only as a means of getting children to read.The best part about it is that it gets people interested in reading so hopefully young people will go on to read things that they wouldn't have otherwise picked up. Bookshops certainly will become more cool and by extension libraries will hopefully become more cool.

Not that we're looking to be cool like trendy vicars: Hey guys! We have e-mail!

It's the library massive! In da library! It's not going to happen."

“Selfish”

What is your message to the medical students?

"Use the library! Don't spend £300 buying up books on your reading list when you can come down and use the books for nothing.That's what we there for".

Jez Facts

INFO ZONE

Name: Jez Connolly Age: 39 Born: Cleethorpes, East Midlands.

Height: 5'10" Foot size: 7 going on 8 (R is slightly bigger) Weight: Undisclosed Marriage status: Engaged City of residence: Cardiff Professional career: 1990 - 1998: Queen’s Library, librarian 1998 - 2001: Chemistry library, librarian 2001 - present: Medical School library, librarian Qualifications: Degree in “Wildlife Illustration”. Fully qualified taxidermist. MSc in Information Management. Fully qualified subject librarian.

Salary: ~ £1300 per month.

Daily routine: Wakes up at 5.30am each day. Commutes from Cardiff by train.Works Monday to Friday 8.15am to 4.15pm.

Medical librarian 4.5 days/week. Drama librarian for half a day.

Favourite library: Medical School Library Current hobbies: MA in film studies at UWE (dissertation:The English Seaside in Films since 1945). Founded online blog “The Commentary Box”.

Co-creator of www.limebarrel.co.uk.

Little known fact: featured as an extra in the last episode of second series of cult comedy "Look Around You" [see right]

There are 13 branch libraries in the university with 2 million books in stock.

Medical school library student to book ratio is 10:1 There is a special collection in the stack which includes items dating back to 1500s and features valuable anatomical illustrations.

There are no plans for pop up books.

A new carpet was installed on 6th and 7th August Many librarians wear glasses and are called Sue

Courtesy of Black Bag PhactsTM

Jez in “Look Around You” (far right)

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Stalk a FRESHER at the Look! No need for an oto scope

Will you “sign” my card?

Bar studs

Five freshers end up hospitalised

Foal behaviour The head bal ancing tourn ament was a great success

Sarah’s ne Is your dad a bake r per chance?

10

e pub crawl black bag

that e more of m so t u o DJ! Pump lth! us chart fi tremendo

ew passport photo

Rich’s bell ringing so ciety got off to a surprise start

Bird flu hits Bristol

’t stop ation didn it p a c e d Tommy’s scoring him from

ued to g society contin Rich’s bell ringin flourish know I’m in Blues Peter don’t you

Bobby was a tr ue piss-taker

YOUR democratically elected committee

11

r IST...

OL L ge 22 fo g O C a e a p B Th n to k c la r digit B u are ly tu Mere unique 14 out if yo your er to find! numbally cool!! offici

FACULTY OF MEDICINE & DENTISTRY THE COOL LIST 18 October 2005 Subject to Confirmation COOL (a) Fashion Senz (b) Networking ability (c) Sexiness (d) Charisma 00101101001010 10101010100001 01010100101101 01011101010101 11011010001010 00100101010101 10101010100101 11010010101011 10010101000101 01010101001010 01010101010010 01010010010101 10010101001001 01010101010101 01010001001010 01010101000010 01010100101010 01010101110010 01010100010100 01000010010111 01000101010011 01010010101010 01010100101010 01010000101010 11100101000010 01010001010011 01000101010101

Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass Pass

The following students 01001000111000 01100111010101 11001000011010 01010000101010 01010100110010 01010101001000

have been referred: Ref in D Ref in B Ref in B Ref in B & C Ref in C Ref in D

with Distinction in C with Distinction in D, Merit in C with Distinction in C, Merits in B & D with Merit in C with Distinction in A with Merit in C with Merits in B & D with with with with

Distinction in B Merit in A Merit in B Merit in A, Distinction in D

with with with with

Distinctions in A & B Distinctions in A & C Distinctions in B & D Merits in A & C, Distinction in B

with Merit in B with Merit in D

The following students have been deferred: 01010101010111 Def in D 01010101010010 Def in C

If your number does not appear on the list please contact the Clinical Dean.

Subject to Confirmation 32 July 2007

12

B. Bag Registrar

Soc it tay oos!!!

End of Year Sports Review

WARNING: This page could be misinterpreted as smut. It carries a rating of 71%. Please don’t read if you are easily offended...

Medic's Boules

By Sean Locke We all had a fun time, I think all the team will agree, in this inaugural year of the Boules team. It was epic right from the start, when a stirring turnout of 2 people (me and Eleanor) turned up for our first meeting in the Shite Bear. Thankfully we were both heavy drinkers and we managed to drink the Bear dry. After getting abusive and being asked to leave the premises, we both shat on our hands and threw it on to the pool table.

We then were caught by the bar staff and were forced to eat it. "O!" we thought, "this will go down in student folklore," as we yummied down to it and laughed. We then went back to my place and had coarse sex.

Our first away match against Southampton Medics went much better.They thrashed us 5-0, so we out drank them, assaulted them and burnt down their halls of residence.

After driving away in Eleanor's car, at high speed up the M3, we had coarse sex in a layby. Our first home fixture was a much improved effort. We managed to rein in our carnal instincts to lose only 5-1 to Nottingham Medics, who despite their northern charm continued to sledge us when we were Bouling, so we slashed their tyres and ran off into the dark of the Downs to have some inappropriate coarse sex.

We didn't have any more games as Boules is less well established in many other universities than at Bristol, until we went on the annual trip to France. We felt that this would be the defining point of our season, in the home country of Boules.

We knew the French were tough cookies to beat, for they had practised this age-old sport since they had invented wine. Thankfully we had a gameplan. We had stolen some Sarin from the biochemistry labs before we left Bristol and gassed them in their sleep.They failed to arrive to the match and we were awarded victory by default. We celebrated by having coarse sex on the Bouling green.We then collected the Gilles Boules Trophy (named after the person who immortalised the game in his book "Rules Of Boules, 1774") and proceeded to use it as a sex toy. Eleanor then had to go to hospital, so I got drunk and told a bar full of French students that they were a bunch of shits. I was then hospitalised for 22 weeks.

Thankfully my swift recovery means that I don't have to miss any games of the up-and-coming season! We welcome anybody who wants to join in this vibrant game, and get involved in the post-Boules fun! Come and see us at Fresh or contact me on Boulelockes@hotmail.com!

13

FITNESS TO PRACTICE?

Galenitals

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By combining the bodies of the 25 most attractive people in the medical school, Black Bag technicians are now able to officially unveil the fittest man and fittest woman in medicine...

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14

Baste my thighs in hot buttery leather!

Hospitalise your love Life...

Are you wanting a weekend retreat to woo your pash partner, but funds are too tight for a city break? For the desired effect, why not take full advantage of your hospital digs?

Ensure the arrival of your guest is via the sculpture/aromatherapy garden and through the prestige entrance of the hospital atrium. The effect is equivalent to booking into a city centre hotel, particularly if you give the receptionist a nod and a wink, and bell up the lift, even if it's surplus to requirements. Endeavour to deck out your room with that weeks pharmaceutical freebies- pens, headed paper and choice nibbles.

Take full advantage of the attempted artwork plastered unimaginatively along the reams of corridors. It's always impressive if you can offer some interpretation of the work. If your gut instinct fails you, then comment on the terrible pain this art work represents, as it is a given that it either reflects it or causes it. If this stroll around your makeshift art gallery becomes all too arduous, indulge in some café society, and some all-important people watching courtesy of the friends of the hospital. Impress your holiday honey by playing spot-diagnoses - only don't shout "genetic abnormality" too loudly. They may be one or two chromosomes short of a karyotype, but more often than not they can still hear.

An Amsterdam-esque escapade can be enjoyed by sneaking into the delivery ward and inhaling some nitrous oxide.

The shouts of labouring women and your incessant giggling will ensure that all you need is a Museum of Poo (readily found in the dirty utility room) and some female anatomy on show (any

room on the ward) to make you feel as Dutch as a tulip. Continue the theme by booking into the right sexual health consultancy room for the afternoon, and micropore can stand in for handcuffs, stirrups just add to the flavour, the hydraulic bed ensures back strain is avoided and an amply stocked store cupboard can serve as protection and lubricant.

Rance-sac this satisfying 9” column for lurve ideas Sex tips for asexuals

1. Grease your fronds with olive oil, to send yourself into frenzy!!!

2. Give yourself a sensation you've never felt before. When fellating yourself, have an ice-cube in your mouth. It'll shock the pants of you, and your partFor an evening's entertainment, one ner (you)!!! should aspire for it to be courtesy of 3. Lick your filthy tendril to get that the private wing. Home in on the post-coital buzz!!! Dirrrrty!!!

patient with the lengthiest evening op, and set up shop in their relatively plush suit with a sack of microwave popcorn and indulge in the choice picks of cable. Fear not of being caught by a nurse, as most of them are Bank staff and only know where the sister's office is. If after the film(s), you are still searching for that elusive hit, head for the geriatric ward and gamble on which coffin dodger is going to pop their clogs first. If in doubt, Ethel in bed 4, is always a solid filly to go for.

After the exertions of the previous day treat yourself to a spa style retreat in the hydrotherapy pool. Heated to 300C it can rival the thermal springs Budapest has to offer. Relax whilst the physiotherapists sensually pummel your aching bones, whilst you lie straddled with floats pretending to have lost the use of your legs. It's the perfect way to put your feet up and the only way to end this delightful get-away.

Roll play Bored of coarse sex? Try taping starchy, baked goods to his person for the ultimate erotic high.Your yeast will definitely make him rise.

Sex by proxy When he’s away but you still want his delicate touch, hire a ManqueraidTM. Within 20mins a hunk will arrive at your house wearing a mask of your boyfriend and equipped with a live satellite link to his location. Your boyfriend will then instruct the ManqueraidTM to make love to you EXACTLY as he would do. Don’t worry though, your boyfriend can electrically punish him if he even so much as thinks of deviating from any of his instructions. Perfect!!!

Keeping the wolf from the door Studies have shown that keeping a rabid wolf baying at the door is the best way to avoid a mid-coital mauling.

Furthermore, flossing the wolf’s teeth during a savage attack has been linked with a reduction in post-coital infection.

So, play safe and make sure you brush up and down!!!

Product recall!!!

Unkle Cusco’s FlangetasmaTM RB01494, sex augmenter, has been recalled following a dangerous design fault.

15

Black Bag goes to...

Any smack...pony?

Mane man

7 HorseWorld from the A3

HorseW Foal behaviour

Black Bag beauty

Hello little horsie!

Why the long f

Horse anatomy for beginners

16

HO

Puns like this

Meet Brutus: the Black Bag horse!

At an attractive 17.5 hands high, Brutus is a 13 year old shire horse who was saved from the meat market by HorseWorld in 2004. He has a classical kind nature and loves relaxing with the smaller horses. He also gets on very well with young children. Despite suffering from severe unrinary incontinence he compensates well with a refreshingly acerbic sense of humour.

World!!!!

“I’m honoured to be sponsored by Black Bag, a magazine which I was hitherto unfamiliar but now life-long fan of.

I’m particularly looking forward to reading about my japes and scams in future editions.

Love, Brutus, x” Transcribed via interpreter (1/10/05)

e rn nasty as som Things rapidly tu .. n. ar yb in the ha thugs ambush us

ace?

ORSOME!!!! were legalised in the 23rd century

A great time had by all. Especially Megan (probably a human but we can’t be sure)

17

KRAZY KIDZ KORNER!!!

Number 67 3 part 2 The BURNS -MARSHAL L

S sprni ap tw nkle azz pop !

Rufus morn bojangle twonk!

Shan woktyk rock wo whizz ofy !

Colour me in!!!!

Whoop darn bo diggedy!

Doctor dot!!!

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Rating: President of the Royal College

Merci doku!!! chek SWOT KORNEr...

Rating: Med Student

18

Meet Unkle CUSCO!

chapter 5: Animal Firm

Storytime... this term: animal firm

On Calling Sea farm the horses were aligned aesthetically outside the paddock busily preening each other in the mild evening sunshine. Xanthmus, an attractive blond mare, approached the group from the old stable. The group immediately shifted into a defensive huddle. Lucy, a handsome brunette turned outward to greet Xanthmus with a brief smile and a nervous wink.

"Hi babe!!!" Lucy squealed with audible reluctance. "Oh babe it's sooo nice to see you hon! Oooooh! You're looking sooo nice. I love the pink highlights you've put in. They're soo you!"

Xanthmus was too busy adjusting her gold embossed pashmina to detect the total lack of sincerity in Lucy's voice. The pashmina flapped annoyingly in the wind, despite her best efforts to control it with her enormous tongue.

"Awwwwww!!!!! You'rff thsuch a thsweetie babe," Xanthmus lisped. "Oh…thbabe! Don'th thsuppose you could juhsht thold thiths thwhilsth thI puth my sunnies on?"

Xanthmus hardly waited for a response before jamming the loose end of pashmina material into Lucy's jowl. She then unsheathed a pair of miniscule green glasses and balanced them precariously on the very end of her nose.

"Awww!!! Thanks babe!!!" Xanthmus screeched at excessive volume. "I'm off to meet Hugo tonight. He's taking me to Broons. Owh. He's soo good looking. He's soo lovely. I'm soo lucky. Awww…babe. I'm soo excited. Awwwwwww!!!!"

"Awwww…babe. That's so nice for you," Lucy reciprocated at equal pitch copying her public school vernacular. "God, I'm soo happy for you. You make such a nice couple!!!

Broons will be soo lovely!!! It's soo romantic!!! I can't imagine anything better than that - ever!!!"

"Yeeeasss!!! Oh it's soo exciting…" Xanthmus replied, a full octave higher than last time. "Agghhhehehehehheh!!!!

Sorry babe, just clearing my throat."

"Yeassssss!!!!! Awww Babe!!!! Lucky you!!!!"

"Lucky me!!!!"

"Lucky you!!!!"

"Awwwwwwww!!!!"

The nauseating rally continued for a further 17 minutes before Xanthmus told Lucy she was running late despite actually having well over an hour left before she needed to leave.

"Oh. Hey babe! Oh sorry babe! I've got to go babe! You know what? We should go out for coffee sometime! Come round to mine! We'll go out to Studbuck's! You should definitely come round sometime…for dinner! Or a film!"

"Definitely! Yeah babe. I'll come round!!! When?"

"Awww!!! That'll be soooo good! Awww babe. That will be soo good!"

"But when? I'm playing polo tomorrow but I'm free tomorrow evening."

"Awww babe. I can't wait. I haven't gone for lunch for ages."

The exchange would have gone on for longer were it not for Lucy's cheek beginning to go into spasm. She had politely held the free end of Xanthmus's pashmina for some 18 minutes now and she was beginning to get tired. The pashmina started to slip. Lucy's contorted neck arrangement became

more exaggerated as she attempted to prevent the free end from falling in a muddy puddle.

Meanwhile Xanthmus began walking away completely unaware of Lucy's efforts. She then unwittingly wrenched the pashmina from Lucy's grasp, suddenly pushing Lucy off balance and causing her to fall head long into a pile of moist dung.

"Bye babe!!!" Xanthmus screeched as she began to trot away gaily completely oblivious. The squawk echoed around the paddock like gun fire. Lucy looked up in total distain at Xanthmus whose golden stilettos were now gleaming kaleidoscopically in the orange sunlight. In a sprawling heap Lucy began wiping the dung from beneath her eyes.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Xanthmus was launched thirty feet into the air. Her silhouetted figure could be seen rotating at great speed over the gibbous evening moon before landing noisily on top of one of the septic tanks. Her guts began to rain down all over the horses. Lucy smiled wryly and began licking some entrails from the edge of her mouth.

"She must have set off an unexploded bomb carelessly buried by youths or other miscreants," Lucy postulated to the others. "Ah well. Never liked her anyway! I mean, you just never knew where you stood with her. Mind you, by the look of things, I don't know if she knew where she stood either!!!"

The horses began laughing uncontrollably. These were good times and without hesitation they began licking the rest of Xanthmus's bloody remains from their matted manes.

19

chapter 6: Animal Firm 20

Moments earlier the pigs had arrived for their bi-daily meeting by the trough in the south field. They were in high spirits, exchanging squeals and joyfully grunting noisily at one another. Amidst the huddle, Starer reared up on her hind legs to call for hush and began to address the group.

"Shall we start then?" she said with a broad smile on her face as Cardamom scribbled furiously in the corner.

"First on the agenda: the unexploded bomb," Cardamom read carefully from her freshly printed paper sheet. Starer launched in with utmost conviction.

"Yeah, it was here when I first came to the farm which must have been oh, 4 or 5 years ago. Something really ought to be done about it now."

"We should really call someone to sort it out before someone gets hurt," Gatey, a kindly looking pig, said softly and with feeling. All the pigs nodded vigorously but no-one really took responsibility for doing something about it. Whilst they were sure that something should be done, no-one was sure who should do it. A moment passed as the pigs looked intensely at each other. Just then, the sound of an enormous distant explosion broke the silence.

"So, onto number two on the agenda," Cardamom immediately began. "Complaints about the peripheral fields."

"Yes. Many of the animals have been complaining about the distance they have to travel from the barns to the fields. I was wondering whether we might be able to put on a tractor for them?" Gatey enquired.

"But it's only 20m away!" Spikey, a cheeky porker with a healthy respect for outdoor pursuits, spluttered as he choked on some feed.

"But I really do think it would make a big difference, particularly at night. It can be quite dangerous walking alone at night," Gatey pointed out.

"Those poor animals! Yeah we should definitely do something to help them." Oinky, an entertaining sporty pig, quickly added.

"But the extra cost would be unfathomable!" Rindy, a balding piglet, blasted whilst waving his sheathed trotter frenetically in the air. The gathering rapidly fell silent.

"Why have you got that on your trotter?" Starer asked looking quizzically at Rindy.

"I've got foot and mouth disease. The doctor told me I've got to keep it dry," he replied.

"Don't you mean foot in mouth disease?!!! Ha! Ha!" Spikey quipped as he unleashed an almighty disgusting laugh. Starer interrupted with a knowing look in her eyes.

"Spikey, you should be sold for cackling - you really should!

That was awful." The pigs erupted with laughter. An awkward silence followed. Starer cleared her throat before directing the group back onto business.

"Couldn't we put the tractor on twice a week instead?" Starer suggested and began to draw a rudimentary cost/benefit graph in the mud. All the pigs nodded vigorously at the compromise but no-one really took responsibility for doing something about it. Silence fell as Cardamom scribbled, urgently recording the unanimous agreement in her notebook.

Suddenly the silence was broken by the entrance of Blackie, the black sheep, who sprinted into the meeting, crashing awkwardly into the trough before collapsing into a heap of dung.

He lay there twitching with blood spurting out of his open forehead.

"Ok, onto Number 3," Cardamom announced. Handy, Starer's deputy, rose onto his hind legs.

"We went to the farmers for a meeting about our future careers. In particular, the conditions in the abattoir," Handy reported. Gatey's face immediately screwed up with distaste.

"The conditions really aren't great are they? Something needs to be done about it," she interrupted.

"But the cost would be unfathomable!" Rindy blundered in with little or no conceptual understanding of the subject in question.

"I wouldn't be caught dead in there!!!" Oinky screeched com-

pletely unaware of the irony of her statement. Handy continued.

"Whilst they want us to feed back to them on this matter, they said that they are thinking of not interviewing us anymore.

They want us to fill in these forms instead."

Handy reached inside his bag to produce a paper sheet with a solitary box and the word "NAME" written above it. A sharp intake of breath was heard from the congregation.

"That's ridiculous!!!" Roofraq exclaimed hitherto drinking cider from the trough.

"But some animals can't write!!!!" Oinky added to the agreement of the other pigs.

"Maybe they shouldn't be thinking of applying for the meat market if they can't even write!!!" Spikey added with a vociferous tone. Oinky nodded.

"Perhaps the interviews could just be verbal instead?" Starer proposed.

"That's a great idea," Handy quickly agreed. "That's definitely something worth asking about next time."

All the pigs nodded vigorously at the suggestion although noone really took responsibility for doing something about it.

"Right. Next on the agenda," Cardamom proudly started, "the grand farm social!!!"

"Yeah! We want all the animals to come!" Oinky struggled to read from her pre-prepared notes. "We were thinking of hiring out the old barn so we can get everyone in." The group excitedly whooped at the prospect but Rindy butted in with an uncompromising stare.

"But the cost would be unfathomable!" The pigs fell silent.

The only sound was Blackie groaning painfully in the background.

"Well, there's always the old pig shed" Starer suggested thinking quickly on her hooves.

"But it's only two feet high!" Roofraq rightly pointed out.

"Well yeah!" said Oinky thinking it through in her mind. "The horses won't be able to come anyway as they'll be in the fields and the sheep are in the far pen so they probably won't want to walk back in the dark anyway. We could still get the rabbits and geese in though".

"Good thinking Oinky!" Starer slapped her on the back. Gatey seemed troubled.

"But the rabbits and geese will not be able to reach the trough.

Perhaps we could have some kind of open pit for them?"

"But the extra cost would be unfathomable!" Rindy exclaimed at full volume. A silence fell again among the ranks.

"Hmmm…" Starer thought, "maybe it would be best if we just had the pigs there?"

"We'll save a lot of money not having to advertise over the whole farm," Rindy excitedly explained. All the pigs nodded vigorously but no-one really took responsibility for doing something about it.

"Errr…I think that's it isn't it?" Starer said stretching awkwardly over to read Cardamom's paper list. "Any other points?"

Blackie opened his mouth about to speak.

"Okay then. See you all in 6 hours at the next meeting! Can't wait for the social now…"

So it was at Calling Sea Farm. The dilapidated buildings and tarry fields of the farm continued to contrast sharply with the green grassy hillsides of the surrounding countryside. The animals continued to live as equals, but some of the animals were more equal than others.

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21

Raving Rev. Rev’s Revered Hymn Sheeet Footprints

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Medical Faculty.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were several sets of footprints, Other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed That during the low periods of my life, When I was suffering from Anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see the only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Medical faculty, "You promised me Medical Faculty, That if I followed you, You would walk with me beyond the curriculum.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life, There have been only one set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?"

The Medical Faculty replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, Is when we couldn't give a fuck."

The COOL LIST... and refer Now read off your numberfind out if to to the list on page 25 s! you are one of the cool one

Student Number

Name

0010B06 0000573 0001123 0001153 0001636 0002802 0004961 0005076 0012125 0100110 0100165 0100212 0100297 0100303 0100325 0100401 0100413 0100429 0100512 0100604 0100633 0100718 0100821 0101396 0101454 0101471 0101483 0101493 0101614 0102029 0102122

Mike Adlam Andrew Hall Sarah Birkenhead Caroline Laffer Harry Mason Brian Mackay Tamryn McConnell Amit Parekh Rupert Ricks Ufaq Quasi Simon Thornton Robert Rulach Pete Robinson Pete Vaughan-Shaw Chris Williams Amy Nicol Tamara Zerb Aliesje Kuur Geesus JC Khrist Geoff Clarke Phil Langton Clive Roberts Lou Whyte Kate Mitchell Amy Lord Shigong Guo Ieuan Pearse Emily MacNaughton Rv Mr Nigel Rawlinson Conor Ramsden Simon Bell

22

Hello my children. Nuff respect ya! I is going to tell you about Mary J, she one mutha ya FRESHERS don’t wanna mess wit...boshank ruffy wizz!

I know what it like to be in a strange town, strange place, strange city. In Angola they don’t speak Tunbridge Wells.

Geddit! You gotta adapt yo ass to the hilt you muthas and that be sure! So when your new homie skore ya sum Mary Jane you better listen up to yo holy three and take notice. I smelt the puff, I burnt da flava, but its a sin boyz and girlz, so I never razed my puffa with that skank.

Cos yo’ friend, yo’ next door homie, be ramping, wit’ their laughing and chatting and saying this is all fun yo’, banging on the door and listening to Jimi Hendrix.You, next door, hearing all the jazz, and then mans invites you in.What you do? Go wit him an’ blaze like it public skool? You best be down on yo’ knee my young flock, not blowing no shank neither.You best be saying the Hail Mary, not hailing the Mary J.You’ll regret it, my children, you’ll regret it bad. Instead, have some of the white tablets of da Lord, cos this is industrial kronk. 3 for a tenner. Botart ratnatta! God has spoken!

Top FRESHER savvy Marlboro lights. Don't try hard that be well sick. Buildup to from boshank Rev: Richmonds/Marlboro Reds. Give yo 1. Make-up. After 2 week, nobuddy throat a chance. bodda anymore, smelling nice, look- 4. Clapping after lectures. It may be ing keen. Enjoy it while it lasts, man, polite, but it'll confuse da hell owt of cos I've seen vintage years turn dem lecturers when da feedback caustic after da first mumph. come back sayin they were unintel2. New stationary.As wit da start of lygible. Best be straight wit dem.Tuff each new term, tripping down love mudda farcus!

WHSmith's is compulsory. Do it 5. Nicknames. Differentiation from a with yo folks and that bling gold large group of new people requires Mont Blanc is in da bag. tact. So get drunk and piss yourself 3. White teeth. Everyone smokes. in a lecture. You’ll be known Not because they likes it. Just cos it throughout the medical school. makes dem look cool and geez yaw 6.Yo all sick y’know! Now get down teeth dat Dot Cotton tint. Note on your knees and give me twenty. bene (Tunbridge): Yo start on And then pray.

23

Ask Amy

Dear Amy,

Over 130 years of experience and 10s of happy customers! Contributions welcomed: blackhag@galenitals.org.uk

I've recently begun to wake up tired in the mornings and surrounded by excessive amounts of hair, the source of which cannot be explained. I've also begun to develop prominent front teeth and a preference for pedigree chum at meal times. I initially put these changes down to the stress of starting university but something happened last week that has started to change my mind.

Having pulled a stunning girl at Wedgies, we decided to go home together. I don't remember much of what happened (we were both pretty drunk!) but in the morning I awoke to find her bloody and dismembered corpse lying next to me. There were claw marks all over her body. I initially thought it was self inflicted - after all we were pretty drunk that night! So thinking nothing of it I went to the kitchen to make a brew. On my return, however, I suddenly noticed a number of polaroids strewn across the room which clearly depicted me grinning inanely as a werewolf and showed me sinking my teeth into her body. I then noticed I had scrawled "I am a teen wolf and I love it!" in three foot letters on the wall before catching a glimpse of my werewolf alter-ego staring back at me in the mirror. I think I may have passed out. When I came round I felt unusually full and her remains were virtually gone. I think I may have eaten her!!!! Plus I slept with her sister three months ago and now she's pregnant.

I fear she may give birth to a were-wolf child.What shall I say to her? What should I do?

Amy says: I sympathise with your troubling predicament. What you’re experiencing is perfectly normal for a man of your age.Your cycle seems regular and it doesn’t seem to be interfering with your daily living.

Consider a course of dianette or long term spironolactone if the hirsutism continues to be a problem. As for the unborn child, roast at gas mark 7 or 220oC in a fan assisted oven for 4 hours or until tender. Slice thinly and serve with broccoli or other iron rich vegetables.

Dear Amy, I recently found a broken, unlabelled video tape half buried on Marlborough Hill, behind the BRI. Thinking it may contain evidence from a crime of some description I decided to take it home to repair it.With the tape in the video machine, I donned suitable Sherlock Holmes attire before excitedly pressing play.

However, much to my horror and surprise the tape contained none other than an atrociously dubbed all male gangbang. The shock of the discovery found me somewhat bewildered but after an hour or so I begun to regain my bearings and retired to my bedroom for an early night.The only problem is that my housemate's ex boyfriend came round to collect the video player the next day with the tape still inside! I think he said he is going to loan the video player to his recently widowed grandmother to help cheer her up.What should I do?

Amy says: I sympathise with your predicament. I received the tape last Tuesday and it cheered me up no end! Thank you kindly.

24

Dear Amy, All my friends get distinctions and merits in their exams but I rarely get better than 50% (C). Why is this? Can you help me?

Amy says: I sympathise with your predicament.

There are two options for you Brian. Pick the best (or least worst).

1. As I'm sure you're aware, in 1953, John Nash proved that any kind of surface that embodied a special notion of smoothness can actually be embedded in Euclidean space.This was a work of genius.

By 1959, the same John Nash decided that he was the emporer of Antarctica and was sectioned.

I think there's a moral in there somewhere.

I just don't know if you're bright enoght to spot it.

2. Since V = max O, A (1-1/NK) Where K is IQ measured slightly to the left V is proportional to ~ exam marks.

Hope that makes everything clear.

The COOL LIST... mber Now read off your nulist on the to and refer back realpage 12 to find out if youes! on l coo ly are one of the Black Bag Number

Student Number

00010010101011 00010101101010 00100100110010 00100101010101 00101101001010 01000010010111 01000100100101 01000101010011 01000101010101 01001000111000 01001001001010 01001001001101 01001010010010 01001010010101 01001010101010 01010000101010 01010000101110 01010100101010 01010000101010 01010001001010 01010001010011 01010001010100 01010001101011 01010010010101 01010010100011 01010010101010 01010010111010 01010100010100 01010100100010 01010100101010 01010100101010 01010100101011 01010100101101 01010100110010

0102147 0000573 0102520 0100297 0001153 0107729 0111380 0108455 0109554 0110273 0138294 0113473 0110632 0139476 Rindy T Pig 0105579 0107484 0108790 0200330 0102454 0109032 0010B06 0200115 0101454 0100429 0104302 0200392 0103729 0102971 0103670 0105472 0101493 0002802 0201032

What’s in your horrorscope for this term...?

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) What a quarter you have ahead of you! As the planet Saturn crosses the path of the comet Nostrus Platus in the south skies this November, your world will be shaken by a whirlwind romance.Though you may have trust issues at first, you will soon realise it is ok to open your heart and be vulnerable.

Though it seems strange to be sharing your new love with others, it’s OK.They know better because they're older.

Your lucky Tool: The ventouse extractor Test you should use soon: Rhomberg's.

Phrase to use this term: 'Of course I will, if that's what you really want' Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Despite all your effort over the last year, things just aren't working for you at the moment. Your try harder, yet times get tougher. Don't be distressed.You will learn to accept that you were born in a rubbish star sign. Its nothing to do with the planets, its you. Nothing will get better this year, its another crap one.

Your lucky Tool: Welder Test you should use soon: Allen's Phrase to use this term: 'Bishu' or 'Spare any change?'

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You need to learn to have more confidence this term.The winds of El Niño are behind you urging you to take those chances that you just missed out on last year. So when you see that chance Go For It! Things will soon come together and you'll be amazed how chirpy you feel and others will be warmed by the glow from your beaming smile.

Your lucky Tool: Cusco's Bivalve Speculum Test you should use soon: Homan's Phrase to use this term: 'This won't hurt a bit' Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You know what you need to do this term. Dress sluttier. It will make you more popular. Don't be shy, and those university dress codes are shit. Let them hang out and you'll soon see how much more your consultants respect you. And guys, get a bigger belt buckle, highlight that crotch and watch the ladies fall at your feet. It works for Manjali, it could work for you.

Your lucky Tool: Orthopaedic Shoes Test you should use soon: Phalen's Phrase to use this term: 'Does anyone else think that Dot Cotton is quite attractive?'

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 20) Like the Aurora Borealis shimmer over Norway, so too marks will sparkle as you work a little bit harder this year. Go on, turn up to a lecture or two this year; go into the DR on a Wednesday afternoon; stay awake for a whole rheumatology outpatients clinic; and don't heckle Bob Meech. It doesn't matter that the new F1 application forms don't take any account of your marks throughout the course, they matter to you deep down so do your best.

Your lucky Tool: Sphigmanometer Test you should use soon: Carnet's Phrase to use this term: 'If you loved me you would' Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21) Hmm, as Mars and Uranus have coincided in the early morning eastern skies, so your personality seems to be clashing with your housemate. To sort this out you should avoid talking to them and communicate only with post it notes.

Also, be vocal in objecting to them using your special mug. Its not

petty, it does matter and they did use your shampoo last week. If this all fails to remove the tension from the house, move out.

Your lucky Tool: Those little upside down cups on sticks for putting candles out.

Test you should use soon: Finkelstein's Phrase to use this term: 'Shut the fuck up, this is my house too' Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22) It is now time to own up to that guilty secret. You think that no one knows but, you're wrong. It is much better for you to just own up that for it to come out and spread as an exaggerated rumour. Perhaps the reaction won't be as bad as you think, and maybe you might find others who share your weakness.

Your lucky Tool: Retractor Test you should use soon: Eliciting an Anal Wink Phrase to use this term: 'Just a small prick' Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 23) You really should start thinking about your own health and hygiene. Its all very well wanting to care for others but unless you get your halitosis under control and at the very least wash your bits and pits weekly you'll just be passing on your filth to the venerable and doing more harm than good. Sort it out, you reek.

Your lucky Tool: Soap Test you should use soon: Your own sense of smell Phrase to use this term: 'Has someone let one go?'

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 22) We both know what the stars are saying to you and your partner this term. The signs are everywhere, on TV, crappy pop on the radio and conversations over-heard in waiting rooms. Its time to move on to greener pastures.You're both not putting in the effort anymore and your eyes are roving for new fun. Don't feel bad, they've been cheating on you for a while anyway.

Your lucky Tool: Peter O' Test you should use soon: McMurray's Phrase to use this term: 'It's not you, its me' Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23) The stars have nothing to say to you this term. But listen out for rhonchi this term.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Money is tight for you already and yet its so early in the term! As luck would have it, you have a high chance of winning according to the position of Uranus' moons. So gamble on anything. The lottery, horses, the name of Tom Cruise’s baby or just get down to Mecca Bingo. Spend the rest of your loan on scratchcards and you won't be sorry. Gamble gamble gamble.

Your lucky Tool: Metal detector Test you should use soon: The Richmond Test Phrase to use this term: 'All on red' Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You need to eat more wax this year.You can source this from candles, bees or ENT at Southmead.

I would recommend consuming it melted on loast, but others would prefer it in soup. This is a long-standing deficiency stemming from the disruption of a lay line by the foundations of your last place of residence so eat plenty.

Your lucky Tool: Tongue depressor Test you should use soon: Kanavel's Phrase to use this term: 'Can I smell your hair?'

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I saw you wearing that big heavy rucksack on the number 30 bus. You looked proper fit and when you caught my eye you looked like you were going to explode...I'll send you to heaven! doesmybomblookbiginthis@hotmail.com

I saw you dirty old man sleezing over that first year. Stupid great perv!

Call me. You’re sexy.

I saw you smouldering brunette at Level. I set you on fire - literally! I can’t apologise enough for the flaming Sambuca. Hope the burns aren’t weeping too badly!

I saw you fit blonde girl with the arms and a smile to die for. Still not sure about your legs but I’d be happy to adjust them for you... butcheranon@hotmail.com

I saw you dancing like a goose on acid. You should be locked up like a goose and force fed until you’re foie gras!

Keep up the good work my snugglewump!

I saw you great lover at Ramshackle on Friday.

We danced like possessed horses before going home for coarse sex. You’re a hottie!

I saw you leaning on that fence of yours.

Damn sexy fleece. If I hadn't been stuck artificially inseminating that cow I'd have been over straight away. I know what buttons to press (7840)…

I saw you medical secretaries sorting out placements for the fourth years. Yeovil?! Swindon?

How many times? Did you not find the stash I left for you behind the filing cabinet? There's going to be trouble…

I saw you Galenicals committee ordering strippers. £1000 on those hunks was unfathomable! Rich Kapur did a fantastic job!

I saw you elephant woman with your face like a whale. You were crying in the corner. I sold you a falafel. You smiled. It was hideous.

Stop calling me at home.

My kids are getting suspicious.

I saw you chill out Suzi!

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I saw you at 5am in your front room you naughty boy. That didn’t look like yoga to me.

Busted!!!

I saw you and your friends at King's Cross planning some kind of excursion. Hope you found the right way to go in the end. Going on the Northern Line that morning would have been suicide.

I saw you amazing woman at the You&the Atom Bomb gig the other week. Just to confirm you can order a copy of the single at: www.youandtheatombomb.com I saw you adventurous chimp at Bristol Zoo. I thought you were going to steal my sandwich but I didn’t realise you’d end up with my heart. Let’s meet on Saturday. I’ll come dressed as a banana...

I saw you horsey Rah at Po Na Na. I’d really like to come and ride you sometime. hugothewhores@gmail.com I saw you Black Bag boys working so hard for the last edition. Nice one. By the way, if you’re still single I’d like to make a contribution of my own. It’s an 8 inch column. Let me know. theinsatiablerapist@bristol.ac.uk I saw you on the Downs in the bushes. You were searching for something hot. I’ve got the bag if you’ve the water.

I saw you deal with it Ben, x

I saw you wearing a condom on your hand.

Bloody sexy but why?trendynightmares@co.uk I saw you messing around in the hay barn with those kids. Thank god they were able to defend themselves.

I saw you tanning leather in your bathroom. I suppose everyone has to have a hobby. Can I help you sometime? x I saw you simulating defaecation on a copy of the year 4 rules and regulations booklet. It was soo funny. We just have to hook up sometime darling. You’re fit you are!!!

I saw you in the GUM clinic and then later at Wedgies on Wednesday.

When you qualify you’ll be Dr Fox but I won’t be putty in your hands anymore. I’m watching you...

I saw you playing monopoly with your friends. Talk about a community chest! Do you let all your friends practice examinations on you normally or were you doing it for charity?

Invite me next time you cheeky vixen. I’ll bring the gloves and you the Branston.

I saw your face pressed up next to mine, your tongue slowly flagellating in my mouth. I was dead you bastard! I’d kick your arse if I wasn’t presently decaying fetidly in a chipboard box in your kitchen. See you in hell! My mate fancies you by the way. knightsinwhitesatan@ya hoo.co.uk I saw you in half one of these days you saucyers apprentice. You can cast a spell then play with my magic wand anytime (but not Thursdays. Book ahead to avoid disappointment). Xavier, xxx

I’m sore at you Latey McNeverarrive - if that is your real name - for making me wait for 7 hours outside Browns on Tuesday night. If you didn’t want to go for a date with me just say next time.

GullyMcGullable@hotmail.com I’m sore at you Galenicals for not being more inclusive. Why don’t you organise more socials for those of us who don’t like to socialise with other medics or in big groups?

I’m sore at you Sophie physiology secretary/ useless lump of lard. You are a “woman” with little or no appeal as a human being or otherwise and I would gladly kick you down a flight of stairs if I got the opportunity.

I’m sore at you height guide at HorseWorld. I couldn’t ride the ponies and that’s all I went there to do. Hmmph! blackbag@galenicals.org .uk I’m sore at you SUV driving lunatic woman who reversed over my arm as I lay sprawling in the road. What is wrong with you? I can’t believe you had the cheek to accuse me of damaging your undercarriage. I won’t be able to play boules again!!!!

I’m sore at you genital chancre who blights my existence. I have to come up with a myriad of new excuses everytime I bring a new lady back to the paddock. I thought Herpes was the Greek god of love?

I’m sore at you my parents for creating a face so repulsive that dogs bark at me in the street.

I just want to be loved.

Why do kids run screaming even when I wear a face mask of Rory McGrath to improve my looks? exceedinglyuglyandthatsquiteimportant@123.com

Hot and Sandy

Tommy While and Ross Spackman enjoy the Marathon de Sables April last, Ross and I ran, jogged, walked, cried, bled and sweated the Marathon des Sables. 155 miles through the Morrocan Sahara desert. This week long race requires all competitors to carry all their own kit, including food, clothes, sleeping bag, stove and a selection of things that the organisers deem essential for a trip across the desert, like a venom pump for sucking out poison in the event of a snake bite, a flare for when you want to give up or if you get lost and a packet of salt tablets to fend off the inevitable muscular cramps that come with running 6 hours a Oh no Tommy. I think I left my pipe day in 50 degrees of dry Saharan heat on 6 at the bottom consecutive days. It was suggested that we take just a few lightweight creature comforts to remind us of home and to gentle the experience, so Ross took a pipe and delicious chocolate tobacco (who needs alveoli for distance running anyway?), and I took a bag of painkillers that have since been taken off the market, a pot of Vaseline to ease the pain of being male and a photo of my girlfriend. The organisers provide and pitch the shelter in the form of a bivouac and hand out water throughout the day in big bottles to a maximum of 10 litres a day. Each extra bottle commanded a 1 hour penalty so it was rationed strictly.

The training involved running whenever and wherever we could. At our peaks we ran 3 or 4 marathons each week with 15kg upon our shoulders and once we ran to Reading.

Despite a 6000 calorie a day menu we lost weight. Ross remained convinced that he hadn't lost a gram until a week before the race he shaved off his beard for aerodynamics to see what can only be described as a Walkers Quaver staring back at him in the mirror and I just looked ill.

The race itself was incredible. I cannot recommend it more highly. Awe inspiring desert beauty in the form of 50 metre high dunes and moonscapes of rock devoid of life, with staggering intense heat and numbing cold. 70 mph tent flattening sandstorms when your mouth and eyes are unopenable without surgical masks and goggles. The days were as follows, day 1 - 18 miles, day 2 - 23.5 miles, day 3 - 25.6 miles, day 4 - 47.5 miles, day 5 26.2 miles and day 6 - 13 miles. They sent us 2000ft vertically up a mountain on day 2 that was translated Pain is temporary. from Touareg tongue as Disability is permanent.

'The Mountain that cleanses you of your worries'. That was balls. Our biggest worry was that we were going to die having just run 20 miles and being sent up a mountain just before reaching the finish and with barely an inch of water to drink.

And day 4 was the least enjoyable thing I have ever done in my life. Right up there with being circumcised and breaking my leg for enjoyment. Pain is temporary and success is forever we

kept telling ourselves.

Ross and I pressed on, finishing better and better as the week went on, every night praying that our fragile human bodies would hold out for another day of undeserved punishment. Remarkably they did mostly. Blisters were to be expected and we started to suffer after just a couple of days, but hat off to Ross, who carried on running and running despite losing a big toenail early on. Treatment consisted of squirting in red mercurochrome or iodine to a small hole in the edge of a blister or toe nail and binding them fast to prevent any little nasties from getting in. I got an infection on my back from the chafing of the pack. We took prophylactic augmentin after 4 days and gave up caring after 5, opting for a visit to A&E on our return to the UK. Toilet trips into the desert were infrequent, undignified and generally sore. I kept reminding myself that I could do it too with KanDoo. The reward for a days grafting would be an afternoon tending to the injuries Who’s for desert? of the day and limping over to the finish to welcome our countless new friends back to camp and either a cod and potato hash or a beef casserole rehydrated and cooked in a beer can on a fire of desert brush. For a treat we would whisk up a chocolate mousse and for afters scoff down a well-earned painkiller, a few salt tablets and then crawl into a sleeping bag at sundown resting our weary heads upon pillows of Sahara rock.

It took us 31 hours overall or thereabouts to finish, and we came in about 200th of nearly eight hundred. Our limp back to the UK left us with rather large holes in our respective lives with the loss of training but with many stories and big, big grins. The greatest worry of doing this fantastic race, should anyone be thinking about it, is the danger of really enjoying it, as we did, leaving me countless nights upon my return to lie in bed gazing at luminous stars on my bedroom ceiling contemplating what comes next. How about rowing across the North Atlantic from New York to Falmouth? Yes. I think that'll be next.

Incidentally...

Clive Roberts’ pet Shetland pony “Spinky” was cruelly stolen from his farm in a daring dawn raid last Tuesday. He was mortified by this horserendous foal play and swiftly learnt from an anonymous phone call that Spinky had been taken hostage and would be executed in three days, unless he got in contact.They did not phone again, but Clive was adamant in the face of protests from his wife and children that “no news is good news”.

Spinky was found dismembered in a taxi three days later.

Clive is said to be reviewing University policy as a result.

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Baggio Internazionale

Erasmus: four months in the merde...

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With wine at €1.25 a bottle, it was hard not to take Clive Roberts’ parting words: "Just enjoy yourself, you won't learn anything" as gospel during my time in France last year.

First day. You're late, you’re lost.

Everything has already started. You enter the room and begin to explain that you are 'Erasmus' only to be greeted by blank faces who hadn’t even remembered you were coming. Such treatment means you begin to rate each day in terms of the number of people who actually take notice you. It’s a humbling experience and any ounce of arrogance I may well have possessed was soon cruelly wrenched from my inner psyche (surely not! Ed.). The rare occasions when I was asked how I was or when someone smiled at me would result in a look of unrefined pleasure spreading across my face. Ahhh...

We started keenly, deciding to attend an afternoon of lectures as timetabled.The lecturer made us sit in the front row and immediately asked me to read a passage from the board. So, affecting my best French accent, I spoke as fast as I could, trying to blend in. Finished, I looking up proudly only to be confronted by "You’re not French, are you?" - No shit! On discovering this, the lecturer decided it was necessary to spend the rest of the session asking me question after question.

We didn't go to lectures after that.

However, my confidence did start to grow and I eventually plucked up courage to actually speak to a patient. It went something like this (translated into English, of course): Erasmus (that's me): Have you got any pain?

Patient: Please don’t patronise my language with your “Tongue Anglais” stupid rosbif...!

Erasmus: Have you any pain? (“Are they deaf or some thing?” methinks) Patient: What is he saying? The only pain I have is in my ear you stupid merde tete. Plus what are those shoes you are wearing? They look like sponges!

Nurse: What are you trying to say?

Erasmus: Does she have any pain? (I shan't ever dare speak again).

Nurse: What…Oh pain!! She’s the cleaner you stupid rosbif! (chomps on an onion).

Needless to say that was the first and last time I spoke to a patient during the whole four months. Life, though, wasn't all packed full of humiliating experiences and with a little effort it was possible to develop hand gestures, shoulder shrugs, odd mutterings (boff, behhh, mais…) and different variations of exhaling air in order to communicate.

And what did I learn during my time in France?

I discovered two major “differences” between the French health service and the NHS: 1. Despite having a significantly lower rate of lung cancer in France, whenever a doctor or student took anything out from their white coat a pack of Gitane cigarettes fell out!

2.A&E waiting lists.Whilst the NHS gets rinsed for massive waiting lists and patients waiting on beds in corridors, the French have solved the problem by seeing everyone immediately and then squeezing them all together in a dark corridor around the back where no one can see them. Each time you need to get to one of them you have to move about five beds out of the way.

Brilliant!

The War on Terror

Declaring war on an abstract noun is always a curious state of affair, but in this case, the use of the word is entirely accurate. As the politicians would have it, the war on terror is waged against Al-Queda, against Hamas, Hezbollah, and ETA, in Chechnya and in Iraq and countless other organisations in countless other places around the globe, some far away, some not so.Anyone who feels that it is legitimate to kill and maim to enforce or announce their will is reprehensible and a society of the majority should endeavour to protect themselves from such a threat.

But terror itself is not solely this.Terror permeates society, but it has nothing to do with the conventionally held idea of terrorists. It starts with little old ladies afraid to open their front door in case a conman or a attacker is there, it includes women worried about being alone at night in their own city in case a rapist strikes, in envelopes families who don't want to risk being outside after 6pm on Saturdays in case a drunken mob starts smashing glasses into each other's faces.The vast majority of people on the streets are good people, it is just that the bad people are more noisy, more memorable. Part of these fears are exacerbated by the media, the endless reels of CCTV footage of provincial city centres turning into images of Dante's Inferno after dark, the relentless barrage of Crimewatch UK. Violence is now a well-dealt in currency, and the unwillingness to accommodate other people's views, religions, races, sense of humour and more is common-place. Everyone is involved in their own personal small war on terror, be it against domestic violence, mindless thuggery and so on whilst governments concern themselves with the globalisation of their self-declared war.

This is not to say that governments are innocent.They have been marketing their own particular brand of terror for many centuries, be it empire, arms trading or covert support for abhorrent dictators. Governmental blind eyes are being turned to human rights abusers in Zimbabwe (South Africa), Uzbekistan and Pakistan (US and UK), perhaps because justice is not deemed to be international, perhaps because it is simply convenient to ignore than confront.

Nobody can lay to the moral high ground and even those that do, sprint downhill to defend it, not governments nor citizens. But the battle against terror is clear - it is won by not being afraid, not on the streets, not being afraid to condemn the injustices as it is seen, not being afraid to welcome diversity. And leave the politicians to say one thing and do another, and hope perhaps one day they will commit to a real war on terror, on all the ramifications of the phrase.

Competition Time

RSM Press have kindly donated some copies of “A Guide to the Foundation Years”. To win a copy please submit a 200 word essay on a topic of your choice though it must include the words: Cornucopia Pies Grease Please send to blackbag@galenicals.org.uk by Dec’ber 25th.

The best articles will be published in the next edition.

e... c i f f o C S In the S

the h c a e to t e k i l “I’d g...” n i s o t world

You all remember those kids at school. Yeah, you know the ones who seemed to be good at bloody everything… from A’s in all their exams to grade VIII violin aged 12, to captain of Rugby 1st XV in Sixth form.“But of course, I did do my Gold D of E with two fractured ankles and hips, just after a total left knee replacement which I had to have after injuring myself parachuting from a plane in an attempt to raise money for the Disabled Living Foundation of Botswana. And simultaneously learning to Morris dance.”

Just because you need all the Brownie points you can get on the ol’ UCAS personal statement to stand out from the crowd of all the other Tom, Dick, and Harrys descending on Bristol from the Home Counties, doesn’t mean you ought to waste these talents.

It’s a bit of a surprise when you arrive and find Galenicals not just a little biased towards Medics sport.

How about something to soothe the souls of those petrified freshers, the dossing 2nd years, confused intercalators and psychotic clinical year medics? How about the new Medics Music arm of Galenicals, perpetrated by some strange Northern guy (aka Simon Bell, Galenicals Medics Music Rep). As Simon put it… “I’d like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony”. Or maybe that was someone else…

So come out all you marvellous musical Medics.

Just come and play some bloody music and have a laugh.

Email music@galenicals.org.uk for more details.

Black Bag Feedba ck Coupon!

If you would like to offer any comments regarding this issue please append them below. Once completed, please cut out and deposit into one of the many Black Bag collection boxes (black dustbins) conveniently placed around the medical school and hospitals.

“We can’t wait to have your commentsTM”

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Book worms...

Critical Care Medicine at a Glance Richard Leach Blackwell Publishing, Oxford. Price: £16.95 ISBN 1405106662

Like most of the books in the 'at a glance' range, Critical Care Medicine at a Glance is very user friendly, with a good balance between text and diagrams, although it would benefit from a splash of colour from time to time. It has some lovely basic flow charts for dealing with critically ill patients, and clear step-by-step approaches to essential medical procedures, such as lumbar punctures - invaluable to the clinical years of medical school and the terrifying early days of the F1 year. It takes the reader through the sequence of resuscitation, which I still feel very unsure about, despite numerous tutorials.

I think this book would come in handy for the A&E attachment in the third year, Obs&Gynae in the fourth, and surely for most of the general medicine and surgical attachments in the fifth.

Medical Law and Ethics Lecture Notes Philip Howard and James Bogle Blackwell Publishing, Oxford. Price: £17.95 ISBN 1405118687 If you feel you need a textbook to support you through the vertically themed Ethics component of Medicine, then this book would cover most of it. Structured as a series of lectures, it deals with both Ethics and Law, so is well suited to the third year course in particular. It includes chapters on consent, confidentiality, mental health, the rights and regulation of professional and a number of recurring issues in ethics, such as abortion, research and euthanasia.

The book is less hefty than many ethics texts, in that the pages are more than usually broken up with tables and diagrams. This makes it more appealing to the reader and easier for quick reference for MCQ revision, rather than essay writing. I would definitely recommend it.

The Medical Miscellany Manoj Ramachandran and Max Ronson Hammersmith Press London. Price: £9.99 ISBN 1905140053 Over the summer, I was sitting in my gar-

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den in North London, wearing a wifebeater and drinking a Stella feeling like an effete southern Rab C. Nesbitt. My dad sat down next to me with a cup of tea.

-What's this son?

-It's a book I have to review.

-What's it about?

-Have a look.

And as fathers are wont to do, he picked it up and began reading it. He went straight to the section on euphemisms for male genitalia.Then to the section on tits. I saw this and said to him -Look dad! That book's about medicine through the ages, how it's permeated the lives of royalty, politicians and the common man, its packed full of nuggets on diseases of the past and today, knowledge about doctoring you couldn't learn from a textbook, you know, fun stuff. Stuff like what has chicken pox got to do with chickens.

-It doesn't have pictures.

I picture this book as toilet reading, something you flick through and laugh at, and perhaps learn something from.While some of the entries aren't riveting, the majority of them are. A good gift for health professionals.

The Hands on Guide to Clinical Pharmacology (2nd Edition) Christopher Tofield, Alexander Milson and Sukhdev Chatu.

Blackwell Publishing, Oxford. Price: £12.95 ISBN 1405120150 An old favourite of the Black Bag revisits us after 5yrs for a 2nd edition. This was written by London Medical Students in their final year, using an expanded version of revision notes in clinical pharmacology.

It provides a clear and concise guide to 127 of the drugs which, as medical students, you are likely to encounter on the ward, and compares favourably with the core curriculum for tomorrows doctors "student formulary" (http://www.bps.ac.uk/education/coreCP TCurricula.pdf). It summarises the key points for each medication and will make a useful revision aid or a user friendly reference on the wards. I think this would make a cheap, concise, usable text of clinical pharmacology for a clinical student, however as junior doctors this book may become obsolete as the level of detail including doses and interactions is not equivalent to the BNF.

Oxford Handbook of Practical Drug Therapy Duncan Richards, Jeffrey Aronson Oxford University Press. Price: £22.95 ISBN 0198530072 As any medical student or junior doctor knows, when you have no idea what those words the consultant just said mean or if they were indeed in English, the answer will be available in a member of the Oxford handbook series. Practical drug therapy is I imagine what Clive Roberts reads when the BNF's back is turned and he's feeling naughty.

Organised into 'systems' such as respiratory or CVS but also indexed in subject and separately drug names it is very easy to find what you are looking for. There are simple diagrams explaining how the drug works and other rather useful information such as uses of the drug, interactions and contra-indications, long-term effects and monitoring advice. Also a patient information section which actually tells you what to tell the patient, so if you really can't be bothered to learn what the drug does, this should cover you until the pub opens. There is even a BNF reference for each drug so if you need to know how much 28 tablets of propanolol cost - problem solved !!

The BNF will probably be more than enough for the early years but for 4th and definitely 5th / F1 years this book should prove a good investment, not just another book-shelf filler.

Head, Neck and Dental Emergencies Perry, M. Oxford University Press. Price: £19.95 ISBN 0198529104 You've just got to love the Oxford Handbooks, short concise and to the point.This book is no different - covering the history and examination, anatomy and important considerations of surgery to this area, and then systematically going through every part of the head and neck looking through different specialities from orthopaedics to dermatology and how they impact on this area of the body.

It is the most well illustrated of all the Oxford Handbooks I have seen and would be a useful counterpart to the third year course, encompassing not only ophthalmology and ENT, but also some orthopaedics and neurology.

Essential Neurology (Wilkinson; £22.95; ISBN 1405118679) Essential Neurosurgery (Kaye; £29.95; ISBN 1405116412) Lecture Notes: Neurology (Ginsberg; £17.95; ISBN 1405114371) All Blackwell Publishing, Oxford There's nothing better than making your way to the medical section in Waterstones / Borders to find that new textbook to complement your learning. Even the most textbook-challenged among you must admit, there's something satisfying about opening a new book for the first time and pouring over the pages but- only if it's a good one, otherwise you pretty much know you're never EVER going to open it, and that 20 quid would have been better spent on a night out than devastating more rainforests for another doorstop. For a subject such as neurology it is vitally important that you chose the right textbook otherwise those tiny neural pathways will remain a mystery forever.

In the 'Lecture Notes' series, Neurology by Lionel Ginsberg is actually pretty good. The first few chapters go through history taking, examination, different modalities and some of the tests used in neurology.The second section of the book concentrates on those 'classic neurological disorders' we are expected to know about and includes good diagrams/pictures to aid your reading, great little text boxes which give all the top info on each topic and also 'key points' are listed so you can read these summaries for quick access…and if you're really enthusiastic you can look through the case histories at the end of each topic.

Essential neurology by Iain Wilkinson & Graham Lennox stuns

the reader with not just black and white but also green coloured writing!! Unfortunately this is just not enough to entice you through its pages. The first chapter starts off well with clinical skills but further in, the lack of relevant pictures and its wordy pages make it an uninviting read. It does however boast some good case histories so if like these and the colour green you may love this book.

For the über keen neurologists among you have a look at Essential Neurosurgery by Andrew H. Kaye. What it lacks in colour from its counterpart mentioned above, it more than makes up with some fantastic diagrams, pictures and scans showing the important pathology of a number of core problems. It guides the reader from clinical presentation all the way through to postoperative care. Definitely worth a look.

Really Essential Medical Immunology Rabson, A., Roitt, IM and Delves, P. Blackwell Publishing, Oxford. Price: £19.95 ISBN: 1405121157 212 pages of "really essential immunology"…now I might be biased as I particularly despise immunology but perhaps this dry subject could be made a bit more exciting in fewer pages and in a format that keeps the reader's attention.To be fair they have tried - with some very exciting splashes of colour on every page, however, the wordy accounts of immune cell reactions overwhelm the reader and stimulate sleep centres in the brain.

If you are a fanatical immunologist you may like this book however for the average med student there are better, more readable versions available at your nearest outlet.

Following recent complaints, we would like to reassure Black Bag readers that we are ANTI-SMUT. We, nor our readers, wish to intentionally expose anyone to perverse, gratifying, salacious or potentially titillating material.

Support the crusade and wear our badge:

I’m ANTI SMUT and read

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