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Supporting you throughout your student life a

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24-hour Advirory Helplinc {or rnedico-legrl and

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Suppcrt Flanning your elcctiva with Ths El€ctiwr Nctwork websita Free discnalionary indamnity lor your Ccctive The MDU revision counea

$pon:orship of rtud€nt ev€nts Thc MDU online atudent journel For furthar deiails on ho,r,, we can euppon you. .rcniacl 'lour MDU S'tudent .Guppod C$ndinator

Fraser Coleman 07734 342 403

Tei; Ernail

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colernanfl@the-mdu.com

Welcome to Black Bag Summer 2005

A 2J's Production for Galenicals Editors: James Dilley (jd138a) and Jim Moonie (jm'l297) Contributors (in order of appearance): Dame Sarah Abraham, Col. Tom Langston, The Rt Hon. Harry Mason, Anonymous linal year student, Oliver Pietroni Esq, Sir Conor Ramsden, Master MichaelAdlam, the sports captains (we love you all, but there s just too many to mention), Reggie Perrin Jr, Mr Christopher Davis, Baron Brian l\ilackay.

To be a part of the magic send submissions to next seasons editors, Brian Mackay and Rob Raulach. Email: blackbag @ galenicals.org.uk

Black Bag Back, by SA, 2005

editorial Rebirth of the cool As the spotlight shifted focus we took our final bow, unbuttoned our spats and tossed our Trilbies into the crowd before slipping quietly into the shadows. Two beers please barman.

These ones are on the house boys. We simply nodded back.

Taking our seats at the bar the reality of our situation slowly began to take hold and into the spotlight lrom whence we came, two naive, fresh faced young pretenders took our places on the stage. ln time they would make them their own. Our work here was done, but belore we could bring ourselves to lace up to the luture we needed to look back, just one last time. lt had been a spectacular journey, at once rewarding and frustrating, but had been more than worth the fare.

Writing this issue has been in some ways easier than the first, but has brought too its own pressures- people did at least lighten the workload this time around by sending in the odd article or two.

We have tried to introduce a more visual approach, photo-journalism taking aleading role without compromising the magnificently high standard of writing you have no doubt come to expect. Move on then we shall, happy with what we have done, but to what?

We don t quite know yet. Some time out, a holiday perhaps, just a chance to recharge our batteries, but we won t be away for ever. So don t you be surprised il you catch sight of us up in Clifton Village drinking milk from a cow, relaxing in the Hotwells Hydropathic spa or watching the horses racing around the Downs. So long kiddo. See you around.

Jim and James. Monday 6th June.2005.00.16am

Time at the bar

The lace of the next generation

contents

the usuals

features

and...

06 This & That- Fashion Fascist,

11

...Surely Nol, What the doctor really means, Words you are unlikely to find in the diciionary, Disturbing Sounds, Urban Gardening, Physiology Notes, Key moments in

Campaign for N/laggs House etc

Og Abstracts etc...

18

Game ol the issue: Cancer Bingo

20

Fashion. Get that look

30 Sport, societies & travel

37

Reviews- restaurants, books etc

41

Ask Elaine/Sue says

{i!

A Day in the Day- Clive Roberts

Tips from the top. How to be a better HCA

13 ueaicatldvice

14

forum: Toadlish

The Porrers

hisloryl&2,News jusl in..-

17

rhinqs tshould have learnt in

medical school

24

erirtot is shit. we agree

27

zeara crossings

36

Competition- win a Littmann

The only lestival you need to go to

Fashion Fascist A few handy tips from our in house guru

this summer The Castrillo de l,,lurcia Fiesta del Colacho, which trans-

lates (roughly) as Baby Jumping Devil Festival takes place behveen June gth and 14th each year as it has done since the 1620. The most pan ofthefestivalinvolves a man dressed as a devil (Colacho) chasing children around the town. Controversial perhaps, but not quile in

lhe same way as lhe iinale in wh;ch lhe nan jumps lengthways over a maltress on which three or four vulnerable young babies lie. The risk (dealh) of course outweighs the benefit (being rid of evil), but you can iust imagine the consequences oi disasteF a ghostly baby with a crushed skull coming back to haunt its mother wilh the words thanks mum as it crawls across her bed night after night. Check out www.whatsonwhen/events.com for details.

New dress code at lhe Haematology

and Oncology Centre No fashion conscious medical student or doctor should be seen dead on the wards this season without their Burberry blood pressure cuff (above).

Already big in the states the culfs are just starting to make waves over here. As other big names in fashion move into the medical market we soon look forward to further stylish, yet practical items such as the Louis Vuitton tendon hammer and the De Beers diamond encrusted stethoscope.

Sfaff at the Bristol centre for haematology and oncology will soon be wearing the trust's new choice ol uniform. The emphasis ol course is on empathy.

What the doctor really means He means:

He says:

There does seem to be a small lump on your penis

You have a cock tumour

There appears to be a small lump on your breast

You have tit cancer

infec-

Its iust a simple viral tion and will get better of its own accord

F-.k off

think I ll need to examine you down below

just going to slick my fingers in your vagina whilst I think about f**king you

I

Im

Take this information leaflet F-'k off and read it in your own time

Disturbing sounds- no.387 -the sound oI a spatula being rotated inside a speculum

Our favourite advice leaflet Aha. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, lV1.E.

Campaign for Magg's House a resounding success -or was it?

-_anks must qo all those who signed our peiition the 3:,'npaign...for [,4aggs House (BB Jan 04) or more fully -: Campaign for the removal of the dangerous and --sighUy veranda outside f/aggs House . Originally fea:-'€d in BB Jan 04 and on the Clifton and Hoiwells -!rovement Society website (CHIS- www.clifton .::wells.org.uk) under the subheading examples of bad -':€tscape , lhe otfending veranda or canopy (CHIS) _as now been removed.

...ho, ho, hoax It now seems that the whole th;ng was a hoax and the veranda has nol been taken down aiter all. So does that mean its still there? Of course not! lts alljusl a matter of semantics the veranda has nol been removed , il has been deconstructed . But whats the difference, you may ask? The answer to that quite simply is art. Bristol based deconstruction arlist Binksy, who earlier today claimed responsibilily for a piece he is calling l\,4agg s House? , explains: By deconstructing the veranda of l\,4aggs House as opposed to removing it I have not only taken away its identity, therefore, quesiioning its role in society and, more fundamentally, its gender (accessoies such as

That original veranda. And what a veranda it was!

...or has it?

l:

east thats what we thought, until, on questioning the

:':al authorjlies as to what finally prompted them to bow

::

:'re pressure ol the Black Bag campaign lhey simply Black whal? lnitiallv we suspected that the state-:1i was an encMed message oi support for the 1960 s :c ijcal movernent Black Power, championed by l.ramlm X, whereby what had been substituied in for ltseli a stand in for power . Hence, Black Power :E cmes Black Walt becomes Black Whai . Police lin:-s:cs experts have, however, assured us that ihe ::.aly irnplied queslion mark meant that it was just a :-€siion after all. So they d never heard of Black Bag..uld but pity them. More surprisingly, ihey were 5*..-.:ngly unaware that the go ahead had even been tr..a- to remove the offending veranda. lt was still --€:hing thal was very much in the discussion phase

':c lad

.ai

.:

--.body

said yesterday.

Magg's House and that scar 1ine, minus veranda oI course

verandas oflen being lhe key defining ieatures of buildings sexualities), but through deconstructing back to the scar line I have presented lhe past in cross-section so that we can see the creation (of lhe veranda) before it happened.

Binksy shot to fame with ea y deconstruction works 'My House?'and'Have you seen my garden fence?', both done in the mic!-nineties. Cutently homeless, he has just been released from pthon having been sent down fot his contrcversial 1998 piece 'My wife?' 'Magg's House?' is his fitst work since being rcleased.

Times we like...

and those we don't

08:00

06:15 10:20

10:50 12:45

15:00

01:30

18:27 BB7

Abstracts etc...

Bag et al. The value ol trends in cereal growth measurements. Am J. Kelloggs Pediatrics. 365: 1-52.

We took 3 leading brand flake based breakfast foods and sludied groMh variation within each box population. Measurements were then plotted on centile charts in such a way that flakes were removed at random lrom the box, measured (with a specially adapted tape measure) and plotted on the chart. ln this way each series ol points represented each series of random box selections.

There was found to be liftle groMh variation the exception being broken flakes which were initially plotted, but later removed on the grounds ot being anomalous. lt had been the initial intention to study groMh variation across a range ol products, but after excluding Alpen (for excessive variation) and Weetabix and Shredded Wheat (both for excessive unilormity) it was decided to narrow the study to llake based products only.

Unpublished dala. The R.A.P.E

fiat

an introduction and methodological review.

Definition: Responsible Aid for People in Extremis lntroduction: Would you help an old lady cross the road, or help a person on crutches pick up a packet ol sugar (if indeed they dropped one)? Would you even hold the door lor a lady? lt seems that societies values are lading last. Last week in the Black Bag offices we all shed a tear when Jill, the BB receptionist, arrived at work sobbing only to relate the tragic tale ol a tramp who dropped an apricot. When no-one offered to help pick it up, the tramp bent down, Iell over and died. Oh what ol the community spirit oI yesteryear, we all cried, and therein lay the birth ol R.A.PE. ln order to determine a baseline threshold for reasonable aid we set up a trial of graded extremityrM which we tested on the public, at random, over a ten week period. The trial will be serialised over the ne)d ten issues.

Test One, methodology: As winter gives way to spring and spring to summer the bare skeletons ol trees become resplendent washes of green and it is, without doubt, a lovely time for a walk in the park. But what iI somebody cries R.A.P.E? We sent ten couples on a walk, randomised to either the Downs or Ashton Court. The couples were instructed to then have sex in a public place while the woman cried out R.A-PE. Public response was then recorded.

Result: No uselul intervention. Several people ran away. One Swiss gentleman approached a couple whom he thought to be selling grated cheese.

Conclusion: Community spirit is dead. Next time you see a tramp drop an apricot, think twice.

Black et al. The Chocolate Box Study A recent research study inlo chocolaie box recognilion has just published its rather unsurprising findings. The purpose of the study was to ask members of the medical staff to name the variety of chocolate that they were presented with, by looking at the wrapper alone. The result found that whilst doctors, HCAS and hospital porters all had a impressive knowledge, they were all put to shame by a unprecedented 1007o accuracy rate exhibited by all nursing staff. The research group behind the study said 'Well at least we now know why they are all so dam fat'. The spokesman further quipped that the etemal medical students' dream ol getting up close and personal with a sexy nurse was becoming ever more elusive.

ABB

Surely not Hot Cakes? More like house on

file

Free lood tor drug dealers

Black Bag can exclusively reveal that there is no truth whatsoever in the wild rumour thal the last issue ol the celebrated magazine was the mosi popular to dale disappearing, according to one source, like hot cakes. The 200+ unwanted copies did, however, qo up like a house on fire when we burnt them last week.

Ready Steady Slop

Anecdotal evidence suggests that if you walk trom Gloucester prison to McDonalds in the town centre you will pass not just one, but lhree drug dealers. Gloucester City Council mu61 certainly be proud of this outstanding achievement. By way of recognition Black Bag has teamed up with lvlcDonalds to ofler free tood to all drug dealers for the next month. Just cut out this arlicle and present it to McDonalds, Gloucester Soon you too could be lovin it.

A no longer secret meeting has taken place in an attempt

to settle lhe brooding undercurrenl of discontent sweeping through the medical student body in the wake ol the recent RHCN Picture OSCFM exarnination. The student body was represented by Mr Richard Woolf -the former, outgoing Galenicals President- and early reports suggest lhal some compromise was reached. An RHCN spokes" woman said, we realise that we were over generous with time. Future exams will slart with the call pens down and everyone willfail

.

ASBOitig Reports have been reaching Black bag of an intriguing new condition that has been dubbed by the medical profession asASBOitis. So farthe spr€ad of the disease has been somewhat limiled, wilh all vlclims being taken ill atter spending a suitably large amounl ol tlme malingering in our beloved Broadmead shopping centre. The consequences of this condition are rather s€vere, such thal it has l€ad lo many suflerers being forced to stay at home lor exlended periods ol the day. A spok€sman for publlc health said thal despite the conc€ms over the possible tinancial implications lor Bristols premiere shopping district, ihose who do not regula y visit should temain well away tor fear they may sutfer a similar fate from as yel

Teaching cooking as a foreign languoge?

Sounds crazy, I know but forthose ol you nol quite ready for a realjob how about laking a year out after graduating to teach cooking as a foreign language. With no need to

cook any language other than English this is simply a wonderful oppodunity to lravslthe world and show everyone how bad English lood really is. The course is being sponsored by lhe well known saucepan manufaclur€rs TEAFAL and so is being dubbed the TEAFAL course.

Contact BB for iurth€r details.

Braille Black Bag The next issue of Black Bag shall be the lirsl ever to teature a braille fronl cover, allhough lhs contenls will all appear in the normal llat texl fomat. And lo all those asking why just thg front cover lhe answer is quit€ simple, Once poleniial readers have realised what they ar€ holding they will be able to put it straight in the bin h€nce avoiding unnecessary clutter

Doctordot

Space filler, space fjller space filler. Space tiller, space filler space liller. Space filler, space filler space filler.

No"one enjoys going lhere, squirming in your chair, dosperately attempting to avoid ey€ contact whilst you feel that your face becoming ever more comparable lo the colour red. That's righti we're talking about a trip down to Bristol's Milne clinic, the home ol the STls. Well, help could now be said, to b6 at hand, what with the revolulionary new concept of erotio DOCTORDOT that has been recently introduced.

Patients attending the clinic will now be given a chance to carelully join the dot to dot piclure available to help show what it is that they have been up to, and avoid the embarrassment of stumbling over lheir words.

We think it's a cracking idea, especially after we managed to clap our hands on a lew of lhe ready made scenes. So good that we thought that we would put a couple in lhe bag for our discerning reader to view, and we think you'll agree there with be no mislaking whal really went on!Al least you would it we hadn't lost them.

Space filler, space liller space filler.Space filler, space filler

BB controversy

undiagnosed cases.

Black bag wrist band.

Never one to miss a trick Black bag has launched it very own wrisl band. The band like those that has become before carries with it a very imporlant social message.

Black bag has thought long and hard, sometimes going around in circles with ideas but has linally put its hand on the meaning. lndividuality is it, so next lime you walk down the street and see wrisl band clad forearms you can be sure that your not just a fashion victim. Don t miss out.

Gei your wristband lree with the next issue.

Space Filler

space filler. Space filler, space filler space

filler

Space fillet space filler space filler; space tiller, space filler space filler. Space filler, space filler space fillerSpace filler, space tiller space liller. Space liller, space filler space filler. Space liller, space filler space filler, space filler. Filled

Shortly before going to press Black Bag received word that a Channel 4 reality television show has been using our famous insignia as a synonym for one of thek shows. We are consulting our legal team on the matler.

BB9

Words you are unlikely to find in the dictionary orthopaedophlia branch of surgery dealing with correction of deformities of bones or muscles involving sexual love directed towards children.

haemopaedophilia a hereditory disorder characterised by the absence ol certain clotting lactors involving sexual love directed towards children.

thombocytopaedophilia a reduction of number ot platelets in the blood involving sexual love directed towards children

paraplegiapaedophilia paralysis ot both legs involving sexual love directed towards children.

Paedophileas Fogg intrepid explorer and herc ot Around the World in Eighty Days involving sexual love directed towards children.

Etf ective and beaulif ully made...'

Sunday Times - April 2003

'All men dream, but not equally' Those who dream in the dusty recesses ol their minds wake in the day to tind it was vanity; but the dreamers ot the day are dan' gerous men for they may act their dreams with open eyea, to make it possible.' T E Lawrence, The Seven Pillars of wisdom.

This is probably the best lleece in the world...'

Dive Magazine November 2003 'Handsome, well made techni-

cal fleece.'

'Could even keep the cold out in the chilling winds of the Southern Ocean...' lndependent on Sunday February 2004

Tips from the top how to be a better HCA Helo leltow care professionals, firstly let irtroduce myself. My name is l.o(ma Toglanns and I am

seriior HCA

me

Yorkshire Pudding, but it turned out my bitch ol an Aunt Bessie stole my recipe, leaving me in the shit. So what earlv to oerfect is this article about? Well it has been noticed that a lot

the

in the Uge I'd left school

Edstol HospiTal (or

UBHT

the oerfect frozen

Vorlsnire

#""i":"Xtor":?:"if e!oi"i-i"t-il;-l't*;i;;A;*i'"f i"3'1:,"':*''ln"l" e€rience in the world of Bessie stole my recipe, leaving wnicn is tine but unlortucaring. l'm not going to preme in the Shit nately the standards ol care you provide can sometimes be lnd this was my first choice ol a bit rubbish. So these are my top 5 irb. lt was all that was lelt me alter fd quit school early to perfecl the frozen tips to help you improve youselfs. l-

Dealing with Poo - I'm not going to beat around the

ldr here, a lot of this job involves cleaning crap simple as lhd. Luckily lhere are some cunning ways to avoid

te-

f tur

are on a night shift and you smell it, ignore it! lt is fine for you to leave it for the moming shift to with, if the patient is stupid enough to notice it and it then look at the tip I give in a minute.

*dutdy

H fi

ffi

rnoming shifts, night shifts will have left it for you will be too busy to help = NIGHTMARE

dd fr€ nu6es

thr,e in the shuation where you have to clean poo, what fu lou do? Well you call lor help! If a patient makes a

llE i[ rneans, even if not put into the records, the patient I rEed 2 p€ople to move them, or at least thats what igbL SO you ask a nurse for help. Luckily they are all qres ol lasses so you have to role the patient to you I

b sbtl

with, leav'ng lhe nurse to deal with what has gone

dr rrder lhe sheets.

lbtpliqs - A lot of HCAS find these people hard to d dr bd if they're sutfering with alcoholic dementia qr ae €silyamused, just play invisible catch with them 2-

dd JEo

you get bored pretend to throw il high into the sil there for hours waiting fo. it come down,

sll - lE/ll ery.

3- The OB's Paiient - l'm not sure what OB stands for but boy are these guys fatl Now these guys are often quite happy folks, of course they'r happy they get everything done lor them cos they have'problems with metabolism', but when they get angry they gain this short lived ability to move very quickly so use this lo your advantage. lf you want lhem to get inlo bed from lhere chair lean over the bed and pinch an inch. This royally pisses them ofl and they go for you but get knackered by the time they gel to lhe bed and have to resl, hey presto they are in bed and you havenl had to do anything that might strain your back, You can use this tactic for all sorts ofthings with the Fat.

4. OId demented lolk - lf the patient is the same sex as you and demented lhen use the same tactics you do with the alkies. Where these guys are a pain in the arse are ifyou are the opposite sex, then they getthe horn and

there is nothing more scary then an 80 year old on the prowl. I have seen young men devoured by packs of old women begging them to light there cig, wheel them to the balcony, clean them up, any chat up line goes. The best way to deal with lhis? Well nurses always ask you lo look after the drugs trolley so gel your milts on some codeine phosphate and throw it into the oldies atternoon tea, lhis leaves the old sods real peaceful and lets you get on wlth an aftemoon of booking flights to l\4ajorca.

5. Blood Sugar - I've seen many ol you guys struggle

b}&nentia

patients are far harder to deal with EEe ttEyr not mental. [,!y tip here is to taunt them ild lE e hck of booze untilthey try to hit you or anoth-

6Ete. of siafi, they will be thrown out straight away lEve one less problem to dealwith.

-t'l

to get a good amounl of blood out of a patients linger, it really is a simple technique. Just take lhe shaft between your lingerc and squeeze about haltway up. Move your fingers towards lhe tip and give it a prick. BanglThe blood willspurt out ol thetip and the patienl is more than happy to lel you do it again. Just remember to clean any mess up with some colton wool and throw it into the bodiv fluids bin.

qqr 6 Tornmy Cooper used io say being a good HCA is'Jusl Like That'when I say thal I mean lhe lips I gave. qEr I lrpe those tips will help those of you who already work in the caring profession raise your standards to those qE!.|d yos by ihe UBHT. lf you don't work for the hospitalalready but are thinking about it then hopefully this will Elkr tdr look into what is involved in this job. l[

Fu

are ever lucky enough to wolk with me then I'll be more lhan happy to sign this for you.

BB

11

The PRHO Job Matching Scheme Bristol medical school has never been one to shy away trom change. ln recent years they have manage to scrap linal retakes and suck the life out ol the medical school by banishing individuals to various corners of the south west for months on end. However a few jaws did drop when they unveiled the 'Bristol's ballooning' PRHO job matching scheme. The revolutionary proposal involves students attaching their name to a helium filled balloon and releasing it into the Bristol air. The fate of their house job location will then literally be out ol their hands, as the final destination of the balloon will dictate the hospital that the student will work at. Black Bag initially dismissed this mad cap scheme as a load of hot air but quickly stiffened up when they saw Points Wesi much admired weather man Richard Angwin leaving the clinical deans office. Upon further probing it was unearthed

Angwin- all up in lhe air

that Angwin (pictured) had been called in discuss the possibility of giving a cluster ol lectures on the prevailing winds in the south west region throughout ditferent times ot the year' Although as yet unconlirmed it has been speculated that these lectures, that seem more vital than any others in the live years at medical school, would take place at gam, level9 BRl, the morning atter end of teaching block examinations.

BOOKS

MUSIC

DVD NEw TITLES GREAT PRICES 48 -56 QUEENS ROAD, CLIFTON, BRISTOL, BS8 t RE. TEL: 0117 9226959

Medical Advice Forum: Toadfish Species: Toadfish (several subspecies)

Species: Toadfish

Family: Battrachoidae

Family: Rebecchi

Locus: America, Europe, Alrica & lndia

Locus: Australia

Habitat: Bottom fish ol warmer water. Marine, estuallne or entirely freshwater

Habitat: Land mammal. Found on and around Ramsey Street. Lives at no.30.

Appearance: Broad, depressed head with large mouth. Somewhat repulsive in appearance.

Appearance: Large, round head with erstwhile facial hair and large body. Somewhat repulsive in appearance.

Related species: Munda, Oysterfish, Sapo.

Related species: Stonefish, Stingray, Tadpole.

l\4edical relevance: Venom produced from glandular mass at base of dorsal spine and adminis-

Medical relevance:Being of the subspecies lawyedish and class ambulance chaserea lhe

tered through the operculum- a slender, hollow bone leading to the tip of the spine.

Toadfish will attack those giving off the scent ol negligence.

ll stung pain will lead to redness, Treatment: lI stung get in touch with a decent swelling and heat (the 4 classic markers of lawyer. ln spite of the apparent ineptitude Treatment:

inflammation). Management is as for all venomous fish stings and consists of 3 steps: 1. alleviate pain 2. combat venom 3. prevent secondary infection

The wound should be irrigated with cold salt water or saline and the poison removed-

use suction +/- a small incision or otheMise soak the infected area in hot water (50 degrees) asap. For sensitive areas use a hot compress.

Tetanus +/- antibiotics may be required.

Toadlish has a reasonable success rale as in the recent case ol Stephanie Hoyland vs the State of Erinsborough. lf funding is an issue Paul Robinson may be of help. He can be contacted through the Lassiters switchboard which is still in operation in spite of the fire.

For further information see:

1. Halstead, Bruce W (MD). Dangerous marine animals 3rd Ed. Cornell lvlaritime Press.

Centreville, Maryland, 1 995.

2. www.neighbours.com

Letters to the editors Dear Editors,

Dear Editors,

Having read your article about the most annoying zebra crossings in Brislol I was struck by lhe notable omission ol the one next lo Habitat at lhe end 01 Elton Rd.

I couldn t help but notice the article in this Sunday s Observer (5.6.05) about Polzeath. Am I right in thinking that they got the idea from Black Bag.

Thanks for your lefter. Much as we would like to have included many morc crossings we werc limited not only by magazine space, but by the simple facts ol naturc. lnspite of canping out at Habitat lot several days, not at atry point did any zebras use the aossing. Besides, it is

Yes.

quiE impossible that a genuine person coud t@ve witten thb lettet belore BB went to pint.

Dear Editors, I am writing this letter to fill an otherwise unsightly gap in your magazine.

fhankyou.

BB 13

The Porters do we really know We see them on most days, especially in the first and second years, but what investigates the Bag of them other than the fact that they want to see some university lD. Black great triumvirate- the School of Medical Sciences, Canynge Hall and the Centre for ComParative Morphology. Compare and contrast, if you will.

The School of Medical Sciences Mike Stuart

Previous iob:

Telephone engineer

Newspaper of choice:

Telegraph or Cycle

How do you get lo work:

Piaggio 125, scooter

lD policy:

No lD, No entry

Annoyed by:

People who can t make their rninds LIP

Favourile time of day:

21:30, in the

Local:

The Well!ngton, Horfleld

Drink:

Bath Gem. OnlY drinks lager ln an emergency. ie. being abroad

Music:

Brazilian. No thumP, lhump music

Summer holiday:

Bristol to Geneva to Mulhouse to see Tour de France Vosges l\,4tns Staqe

PUb

The Centre for ComParative

Morphology Teresa Blackmore

14 BB

Previous iob:

Store manager

Newspaper ol choice:

The Sun

How do you get to work:

on ioot

lD policy:

No lD, no entry

Annoyed by:

Self ighteous non ID carrying sludents

Favourite lime of day:

12:00, in the gyrn

Drink:

Vodka (and cok-o)

Music:

Funky house

Summer holiday:

lbiza

Canynge Hall Ray Bartlett (top right- interuiewee), Len (top left) and

Andy (with postbag) Why portering:

Retirement job

Newspaper of choice:

Mirror

How do you get to work:

Car. lmamondeoman

lD policy:

No lD, no entry, unless we remember you

Annoyed by:

People who don t speak

to you Favourite time oI day:

Eetween 08r00 and 09:00 as people affive

Local:

The Windmill, Portishead

Drink:

John Smiths

Music:

'l\4iddle of the road

Summer holiday:

Blackpool. Tunisia in Oct

Difierences aside there was at leasl one thing that all three groups had in common- fashion:

Favourite colouJ: Favourite tabric: Round or v-neck: Shoulder style:

IVatoon V-neck Epauleites

Feedback mechnansims explained -those physiology lecture notes you forgot to take in full -ve l-E tw-'l Medical aiudent bearing negative teedback ---- r]!n4l _w

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Phospholipid bilayer B) PROCRASTTNATTON CASCADE Student relerred to + J;ckie-silh;a Feedback processed

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+7@

who'g on holiday

Explanatory notes: Most biological systems, and indeed mosl academies, are subject to conllol by negativâ‚Ź leedback. However, as a result ol a unique EBlDqlqljg!, negative feedback binding to rcceplors here encounlerc several problems.

1. The tO

tEll[

receptor is intrinsically UNBECEPTIVE and any suggeslions therefore only serve

AXIAG.qI!9E

The-tEvltegcp!9r, when it is occasionally leceplive, is slill highly resistant to elfNEqEUA L!9!A! !:!AXGE, padiculaily when this involves confoming lo views held bv a majoffly ol stu2.

3. Allhough once positively charged, the demands of giblel production and unremitling insomnia have cauaed the LEVY receplor to exude neoativitv. Similarv charged parlicles (e 9., negative

leedback and negalive studenls) ale therotore usually repelled 4. Compounding the problem, the LEVY receplor has a !qW-.AEE!NIIY lor studenF. Any studenl lucky enough to lorm any sort ol BOND elicils one of two stereotyped responses

A) The tE!ry-:glleEg confisuration.

Apparenlly overstressed and overloaded, The LEVY receplor shuts down and becomes complelely unrcceptive. lr tability and lerseness ensue, whereupon LEVY R effluxes lhe student into lhe entropy of lhe UBHT

Chromatic changes: Grey lo pallid grey.

I

B) The PROCRASTINATION CASCADE (Err PHOSPHORYLATION? Ed.) State precipitated by brazen medical sludenl who won t take no lor an answer Sludent

relefled thrcugh mulliple palhways. Once aclive, enercetic student tinally runs oul of enerqy (ATP) and l"ks off home for a nap.

Notes for distinction candidates: 1. Unlike the LEVY receptor and cousin ALDOSTERONE, the ALDERSTONE receptor is not phylogeneticatly ENDOCRINE in origin, and is thus ilFequipped to dealwith the aggrieved students it may encounler, whose rage otten borders on HORI\/ONAL. Even in receptive mode, responses are invaliably.fatuous and unhelpful.

2. Like its cousin ALDOSTERoNE, which has an uncommon capacity Ior the retention ol urine, ALDERSTONE also has an uncanny abilfty io take the piss, although examples of pissing people off have also been known.

3. Both LEVY and ALDERSTONE receptors have a large ego subcomponenl. They can thus be larget' ed etfectively by elemenis ol the CoN,'IPLEMENT SYSTEI\,,|' Afom of altachment known as sucking up works particularly well.

4. Excessive interaction by studenls with the LEVY receptor causes LEVY to mount a prolective response ; absorbed into its host cell (level 7, Old building), it proceeds to express and disseminate tually unlimited quantities of gibberish (em, giblet, surely? Ed.)

vir

Things that I should have learnt during medical school The end of university education is a daunting ptospect for the majority of studenrs. But, to those facing the prospect of a lifetime or,.erworked and undetpaid io the NHS, rhe care€ree (',alcohol fuelled,,) student life with its lack of responsibility suddenly takes on a shining mande and becomes a thing of joy. Fot soon enough, the graduating class of 2005 can no longer hide behind cties of "sorry, lm jusr a student,' befote slipping down to the !rRVS fot their hourly caffeine fix, and insread mr.rst join the (Ihomas Pink) white-collar wodd of work as they shuffle off the Bristol medical school procession line into the strobe-liq windowless hospitals of the Southwest. Yet as we've risen through the all importanr hietarchy to rcach the bottom of the chain once again, whilst the swagget of bravado has increased, the XXXL white coats been tossed aside and the Littmann stethoscopes made the perilous journey from hip pocket to permanent neck adornment, the rea.l knowledge has waited ranta.lisingly out of teach, until now.. .

n { \,, I

No furniture is as charming as books

Havi.g cnough books t{, st .t my own Blackwel's franchisc,I havc conc to the conclusion thar buying textbooks is a big con. Thc rumours that the medicnls school ar€ in pa(nc$hip with Passtcst may not b€ unfoundcd, sinc€ folowing rhc rccommcndcd lc^ding list has left mc with a collection of books thar mostly sh on mt clesk gath€ring dust nnd looking pretty.

But how oftco do I actualy open any of rhem? Af,d elEn though scniorstLrdcnts tel you noi to bothcr, the guilt of missing fiw lccturcs in^ row coupl€dwith rhc belief thataddirional knowlc.lgc is .tctlalr t he round m these cxpcnlilr napcF ' wcights forc€s you k) head dovn to Wrtestones with half your student loan. Parricularly worthy of being namcd and shamcd are lffge Kumar and Clark, tissential Surgery Mcl.od and any of the "essential" i€xts of thc pre-clinicil years. Snvc your moncy for the DHB {nd srick ro Surgery/Medicine ar a Glence and thc long-tcrm lxllls of Southmcad librafy. Ho.est, The only ioy thc rcst wrl bring is t.yi.g ro scll them k) somc unsuspecling first tcar in a few lers timc.

002 Fo!

{

All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others

year fondly renancd as "the guinea pigs", there is a sne.rkhq sustrcion rhar nor onl) .re orher in IUur "rJdcnb yed. doing better than )ou, bul that eech coming y€ar h.s it easier than their predcccssofs. Having done sraunch batde threush xn e1€t chaneing currjculm, AERON (ophthalmol osy dnd disaLriliq weckt, COXIP I DOSCE, Dermatology MCQs, various comptessed exmination timctables and the sceppitrg of filal resits, we hold our hands up in despa;i and cry shme when we hear bow the yea(t bdow are nos erempt ftum these ffuelties. True, we fought on rher bchatf but did we actually wanr change? But feat not - vhat is giverh in one hand is take. avay with the orher and the joy of heara new instrumcnt of evii has been supplcmented in irs place canrotbe surpassed. And truth is.o mattcr the chxnges, in each exam 95% wiU pxss the 6$t attempt, the other 5% will pass resits, and at the end of the day thc studard of us all wll

ing that

be the same. But nan this bitternes is nor in \ain hy friends, md no doubt it will cone in hddy for the "vhen in my day" spiels lou vil i!flict on Jo( o$r stud€nts h later yeds (Nts: This oasis of cal,a does not exterd to the RHCN madrs of 2003 4. Or wddy Hahmondo.

003

Anyone who wants to get out ol combat duty isn t really qazy

ln Octobef 1999, a vaguely enthusi^sric ceoff Cl"rk€ (Nigcl had yet to be untcashed on our wsuspecdng fi$t1€ar eart pur

up an OHP showing the chaoging lcrcls of €nthusiasm b€tween 1 st and 5rh ye^rs ar medical school Surpriringly, it was somewhat of downvard spiml. Innoccnt and wide-eyed wc ^ but having done battl€ sworc immunity, with $c system we'w su€c€ssfuly cultured a hcalthy nmount ol disconrcm and aFa, lh} Prediclabl€) Bur rhcn agnin, ar€n\ things so much mo'e desirable when firmly out of our grusp, ncvcr shown morc truly then in thc halow€d bleeB !n obicd of prid€ to srudcnrs (cspecialy 5th )'cars, makes us look morc lkc th€ re thind, yct hrted and fcarcd univ€rsnly lry PRFIOS by dny 2? So, the rcalis^tion tha! somcdm€s m€dicinc doesnt match th€ ide^l maltcs us doubt our dcdication - well, you're not alonc.Just enioy thc ch^se whilstit lltsls guys and repe^t rfter mc "1 hopc I gctwhat I want b€fore I stof wanting it"...

004

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less

During thc PRHO shadowing week thc lvords "out ol' nnd "depth" could be seen kn(,cking around in very close f,roximiio wonder whlt we had bccn doing wnh ourfor the past 5 years. ror slilsr we've bcnt over bachrards 'ust ro lcatn the 90:10% rule of phaeochromocytomas, in s.d ieali, I knovhg thc difftrence befreen CDT (Clostridium difficilc toxin - gives rise to foul smelling relendcs diafuhoea following antibiotic rhempy) and cBT (cogrnrirc Behaviodal Therapy spoken of in hushed toncs by tee-hugsing psrrchorheopisrs, l,rgely ignoted by everptre else) does not guatantcc a smoorh ftxnsition to v{d life. Indeed, the sudden r€aiisatioo thdr perhaps some basic derical xdministatire skils dd a fe$ lectures dedicated io thc intricacies of dre BRI reterral system m2y harc setved morc purpose thr the endless commuication skrll ses sions wirh frustnted "actors" ve had to cnduie. as chances are whilst you'[ never see half the diseases vou tead about,1'ou mav have to ceate an indiridualiscd colour coded nip chart ar rhe end of each ward round. So lesson leamq ogeisation rulesl Enough said. . . ty, leaving us

selves

\v.U

005

illl

De.pite muneopts ro remd i 'cir 'l Friends are€ bunch ^f "' 'ng.on'*,o,,n ourside rhr.o.l'e' 'r fiP MBi B rr i' /rno{ inesclpable that sometimes, medicine is aI consunin& Hzling spcnt my

r-uded od I rd'

wirh

-

tust 3 rem sith non'medics, the re.llsatio. thxt thc Dext :l wouLl bc drinkiry habirs w6 somwhet dzuniing, tsut tno$ing dEre's alwys plentv by ther spem wirh individu.ls I recognised only vaguely social skils dd a willingness to be fiiendty will sunive Yes, sodewnh halfdecenr ;f peoplc ro deer is half rhe riu, and anyone as is ever as anazing tim.s you'n get u -rong; but vhilst no one lou itun2l) thhk, they are rarely * xwfu] as \ou hear either So unfoundcd, ercnone has thei. d2y of fame on the gossip grapcrine, and tumours at€ ."r. "p 1.o.

-i"J, "nd rehembe4 most "-n for longer ihan an hour without xwkwardness which does with hold a conversation if thre\ iust a fq people lou can consisrcntly Andvhilstpu should aPpreciate these selcct fc\ re doingvell... inlolvedl) then 1( n1imotve ncdicine (mcl there's no alcohol discard th€ rest. You mav be graieful f(,r thc cfforts rhe doo., dont popularity aod close beiore you gct too plexsed vith yrur own you ftade with th€m one day.... it my sum 3o, lee r rn ctoser than eler ro leaving studenr days behind forevea yet as nnds apprcach rvith brcakoecL speed seems is nerrr dedicirc, the dlways in A4.

Howcver. as les rhan ts() shccts of i<;b of rctthwbile bovledge learnt can be pxcked oni ' After.I. flawedterlised rhatwds untilI kno$n at mcdicalschool" I wish I'd done, fotr originaly planned ro cal this 2rricle'\hings perhaps wc all ftrltl lncw these things all al<ng, but had t(, expcrience ften ourseh'es in ordcr to ttulv belicve

Postscript: The author wishes to remain anonymous in the event they lail tinals and have to spend yet another year in their alternative career as ward-round curtain-drawer. ln this case, they recommend the above advice to be ignored, while the reader finds themselves a decent PRHO who can show them how to insert a venflon, work the damn computer system and provide them with directions to the nearest Watorstones.

Game of the issue- Cancer Bingo Connoisseurs among you may be familiar with Medical Monopoly from the Bush/Lentaigne era, whilst others may simply be jouers of those less specialised games- cards, snooker, rimming, Monopoly, fisting, The Game ol Life' dogging and Trivial Pursuit to name but a few. But the game we have to offer you today is lar from trivial and arguably a real challenge to the game ol life. We bring you Cancer Bingo'".

Players: 1 or mor€ (provided you havo a gamecardrM each) ages 0 and up. lf your child is too young to comprehend the rules simply play lor them by filling out the gamecardrM on their behalf.

p53

c-myc

k-ras

DPC4

n-ras

sTK1 l

n-myc

RB

p16

BRCA

erb-B BFICA2

VHL

WT'I

PRCAl

Bcl-2

MDM2

NF-1

erb-82 NF-2

APC

l-myc

MTS,l

Bcl-1

PGDF

Cut out and keep- the official cancer bingo gamecard'" 13 BB

Rule$: Simply cut out the gamecardrM and cross otf the mutations as and when they occur. ll you get an unbroken line lrom side to side or top to bottom (diagonals are not allowed) you have not won, but it is probably worth popping along to your GP for a checkup. He may even want to send you along to the outpatients department. The same goes tor anyone who has ammassed 4 or more mutations, irrespective of location. lf you manage to cross off every square then congalulations are in order, but hurry now you probably haven t got long. Just pop in to your nearest A&E and ask for the Cancer Bingo department. On arrival shout Cancer! An official will then check your gamecardrr', before confirming your victory. The winning trophy contains liquid morphine and should be consumed immediately so as to promote that classic winning elation. The gaming official may mention such names as Li Fraumeni, HNPCC and FAP Do not be concerned as these are just special prizes. Well done indeed!

.

Cancer Bingo- the facts behind the fiction The cancer bingo gamecarcFM consists ol oncogenes (genes associated with the stimulation oI cell division) and tumour suppressor genes (genes associated with the inhibition of cell division).

You will also no doubt be aware that oncogenes may cause cancer from single allele mutations, while tumour suppressor genes require double knockout. Below we detail the face behind the mask, the syndrome behind the mutation, the black bag inside the bin.

Oncogenes

Tumour suppressor genes

bcl-l:

p53: the p53 protein normally halts the cell cycle in G1

codes for cyclin D1, a stimulatory protein of the cell cycle. lmplicated in breast neck and head cancers.

thereby inducing apoptosis.

bcl-2:

RB: codes tor pRB an important brake on the cell cycle,

the normal form of the protein block apoptosis.

I\,,lutations cause lymphoma.

failure ol which can cause retinoblastoma, bone, bladder, breast and lung cancer

MDM2: codes for p53 (see opposite) antagonist.

Causes satcomas.

erb-B:

epidermal groMh factor receptor Mutation leads

BRCA1: normally repairs damaged DNA. Mutation causes breast and ovarian cancers.

to brain and breast cancer.

BRCA2:

erb-B2:

breasl, salivary and ovarian cancers.

p16: inhibits Cyclin D (see bcl-1) dependent kinase activity (stimulatory activaty).

PDGF: plalelet derived groMh factor lmplicated in brain and breasl cancers-

MTS1: codes lor p16.

groMh factor receptor- Mutation leads to

l/l/Tl:

as above. Causes breast cancer.

mutation causes Wilm s tumour ol the kidney.

k-ras:

cytoplasmic relay activated by active groMh faclor receplor proteins. Associated with lung. ovarian,

APC: causes stomach

colon and pancreatic cancers-

Adenomatous Polyposis.

n-ras: as above.

DPC4: codes for relay molecule in cell cycle inhibition.

Associated wilh pancreatic cancer

Causes leukaemias.

c-myc:

activates transcription ot stimulatory genes causing leukaemia, breast, stomach and lung cancers.

l-myc: n-myc:

as above. Causes lung cancer as above. Causes nerve and brain cancer

PRCA1: causes hereditary prostate cancer

and colon cancers as in Familial

NF-l:

codes for protein responsible for â&#x201A;Źs inhibition.

Responsible lor neurolibrmalosis type 1.

NF-2: responsible lor neurofibromatosis type 2.

VHL: causes kidney

cancer.

STK11: causes Peutz-Jegers syndrome- muftiple polyps in small intestine in association with multiple pigmented areas,

Don't miss out on the next Black Bag 'Game of the Issue' 'Relapse and Remission*' is a snakes and ladders style boardgame in which you, the playel are a cancer patient trying to dice throw your way along those 100 squares to 100% remission. Sounds easy doesn't it, but watch out for those slippery slippery snakes. When remission is so close relapse may be iust around the corner,

I

It

Urban gardening noer: a. the pleasures of urban gardening

and b. the lack of urban hedges

a+b=0 as in (+hedge) + (-hedge)

-

no hedge

where (no hedge) = (no gardening) Its a terrible situation, but could this really be true of Bristol. lf so the irony would not be lost on uswhat with hedges by their very nature being a social construct, a means of defining human boundaries and such boundaries surely an important facet of urban life. But then, as someone pointed out, are these boundaries not blurred in the big cities? Allipside to the apparent irony perhaps. We would have to see.

We started out at the Victoria Rooms, a classic Bristol location and urban in every sense, but oh what a mess. The pillars were overgrown and the fountain an utter disgrace. Pruning was very much the order of the day and we soon settled into a working rhythm attacking the pillars with the secuteers and the fountain with the shears. lt was, however a tiEnkless task and two two hours later as we tucked hio our sandwiches and a well earned llask of hot rea all our eflorts seemed to have been in vain.

Perhaps it was time to move on.

Just a short stretch from the Clifton Down Shopping Centre we found ourselves faced with one oI the great challenges of urban gardening, a pillar box. Be wamed though, such undertakings are not for those with a nervous disposition (the postman may appear at any minute), blunt shears or an aversion to the colour red. lndeed lor those of you who match the latter of these overseas urban gardening may well be worth considering. We would, for example, suggest France, to those of you for whom yellow is a more preferable hue- But don t get carried away.

Overseas urban gardening (OUG) is a big step so start with a smaller conurbations and certainly avoid the likes ol Paris. ln addition, it would be neglectful ol us not to mention at this stage the ditficulties that may arise when attempting to travel with shears. lndeed it may be necessary on occasion, to buy shears in country Above all then a strong constitution is key. Even for such experienced UOGS (we had, lor example, chosen a Sunday alternoon so as to avoid the postman) the postbox was proving a struggle. Feeling we had done our best we turned to the surrounding area. lt was only when tending to the beds around the pillar box that we happened upon the rarest oI finds- an urban onion. lt was obvious to us lhat this area around the box had benefited lrom the passage of many a postman and letter poster and thus become a highly lertile stretch.

Naturally we were delighted. See below.

:''.--

/''l

',*

*'4',,l

Nightfall soon took over and having left our torches at home we decided to call it a night- that afterall was what it was. Nonetheless the onion had provided a glorious end to the day and finally we seemed to be reaping the benefits of all our hard work. That said, if we were to admit it, we both went to bed that night dreaming of a real urban hedge. You can then, but imagine our surprise when, on strolling out into the garden the following morning to take tea we found ourselves confronted with just that. We could scarcely contain our excitement. After all this time there had been a genuine urban hedge, right under our noses, in our own back garden. The tea would have to wait and we rushed inside to dig out the tools. Soon we were happily kimming and pruning, clipping and shearing. Oh the joy of it, the sheer joy.

News just in: Pampers step up to challenge! alleged that someone with known, age related continence problems shared a bed with two other people without disclosing the aforementioned bladder dysfunction. Names cannot be JSed for legal reasons, but the damp founh year Bristol medical student responsible declined an nterview claiming, "lt was all Jonesey's faultl" It is

=ollowing these recent events in London, we 'sceived this advertisement lrom our local )ampers rep.

f,P

Bristol is shit, we agree Not so long ago, we, the editors, perusing the hills ol Bristol of a summers morn happened upon a Bench.'clad student of the arts. Approaching the peak of St Michaels Hill he turned to his friend and squinting, momentarily blinded by the mid-moming sunlight, passed comment upon his surroundings. Why is Bristol such a shithole, spake he. Hark such unbeloved truths, the friend replied. I bethroth to you with equity (tor this ol course is the language ol the arts).

Naturally we bolh nodded in agreement. I couldn t agree .. ...MORE , we sung in chorus. And oh how we lell about laughing. Chuckled so hard did we that mom that by the time we had stopped we had come unknowingly to the heart of Clifton. well of course the laughter had to stop there. Such horror as this our very eyes had never seenthese architectural atrocities robbing us of sights proper purpose and not even a tree in sight. To help lighten the load we felt it only right, only fair to share this burden with you the reader (if indeed you exist). ln a short photo-essay Black Bag presents Clifton, the most deprived area of Bristol. But go easy. lts no picture'postcard out there.

Brunel s masteMork. Shil.

4 4

4 '15

Cl

ilon llfe. Worlhless.

v

t[F

--mbug balconies. Bollocks

The Mall. Piss

Key moments in history part 1: the 2005 Clinical Review The ball had to get rolling early as the Winston theatre had been booked lor the beginning of January, This was to encoqlage as many People as Possible to ioin in with the review- it was amply belore ihe fourth year exams, eons belore linals and long time before 3rd end exams. So a meeting was called via ihe litfle read circular email (Galenicals) to the Penny Farthing Public House in late September.

'Anyone got any ideas?'

Well I had this idea but it requires building an unleasibly large toilet it might be a bit imptactical.'

'How aboul a Dr Who spin o{f with Canynge Hall as a gianl Tardis and visils to various medical dimensions and ..and nurses as Daleks with stethoscopes ror scarves' 'Tardis! more like Tudis. Canynge Hall is a shithole, it would bore everyone to death.'

'Orwe could do an adaptation of EternalSunshine of a Spolless l\Iand with ECT induced memory loss and recall the memory ot various medacs scenarios. thos linking logether an otherwise unrelated collection ol humorous skelches in perlect harmony' 'AGREEDII' 'Now any ideas as 1o what makes a good review' 'Jokes' said Andy Hall 'Music' Grace Cheung 'Dancing' Aliesje Kuur and Caroline Laller in chorus 'Singing' said Amy Green

'Se)( slockings, s€xual tension and gonenl spangliness' Amy Nicol 'l\4oney Jor charity' Rob Bulach

'Cross Dressing' Bdan lllcKay added.

'And ils golla bs SHORT'All in unison

Lentainge (who refused to leave the stage at all) and lan Jones.

Alter a hectic linal week in which we were denied the seNices of

Mike Adlam due to Nantes, the curlains were linally raised for the tilst pedormance. The show began at last wilh Laura (Amy Nicol) belling out'Why Why Why Devizes' to Simon Bell's irombone.ll seeins that the prcblem with Devizes is a dislinct lack ol action . Forlunat€ly, sexual urges w€le lulJalled by a very con_ vincing Mary Poppinsesque Jane Bladeby (Ellen Oakhill) lalling all over lhe larger than lile [,lr Jargan. Their scene ending in a whid of excitemenl wilh lhe know it allsludenls Becky l atlhews and Rachael O'Connell gefling lheir chops around the longue

twisler. PS EU DONYM-lrN

E l\4ON

ICALLY-ACRONYM-

ILOCIOUS- This was incidenlally one ot lhe tilles ot the Revue adsing lrom a bid lo stop il being called 'The Spangly Revi€w', ils more popular lille being'Lick Ms I'rn Minty', thus goang against lhe grain ol previous reviews and naming it after a lilm.

'What aboul 'El€mal Sunshine on a Spolly gehind" 'BOR-ING - How about Exlemal Genilalia

ol'

This was inlerrupted by an accident wilh a cocklail conlaining Crlme de Menlhe and lhe ensuing stalement'Lick lre l'm I\,4inty' stuck with us.

an hour and a hall', lsaid.

With plenly ol sex (f\at Gash as Rachael ldsh), w€ were lacking sexism bul this was duly provided by GP Alex Amilage inlom'

Va ous encounlers in the DHB over lhe following weeks

ing Shetland lsland local Anila Rai of her ultimately fatal lemi' ninity. The lirst hall ended wilh ons of th€ lunniesl lines in com' edylo date, uttered by Geftma (Catheins Bryant).

'Yeah. 20 mins max. Well

rsvealed wdlerc wanls, n€€ds and lusls, bul mainly showed dis_ dain forva ous clinical leachec, lack oJ funding and bad organ'

isalion within lhe medical school, but also a lighter side wilh jokes about red squirels and lobslels (and lknowlhsm_ Frankie Blackmore tor inslance). Manuscripb needed to be produced as w6 w6re on a lighl schedule and according to Lizzi Glanville audilions were only jusl around the corner.

As wellas our 90 minute lenglh limitwe also wanled proporlion_

al representation of the medical school demographics and lo include more big lemale rol€s- our lead character Laura, lor example. This was lucky as only a handlul ot boys turned up for

auditions and wele accordingly casl three parls a piece (Ulaq Qazigol seven). lt was also ouraim lobs as democralic as pos' sible, Everyona wsa lo be cast on the basis of merit at audition and nol simply because lhey may have been sleeping with one of the directors (Funny lhen how James Dilley got a part as lhe Kilted Lothario. I never remember seeing him at audilion. I must

The shoner second hall qav€ us d€mons (Sarah Birkenhead), Clicendomes dancers (Emma Grifliths), perversion (Helen Williams), Legs (Lou White, Tamara Zelb and Nlegan Rowland) and rap chicks (Euridace lrendes).

We were lelt with lood lor lhought as Rachael Taylor, Adam Shakk and the mischievous Mike Lam guid€d our anti-hero Bill Hicks lhrough some pretty sticky moral dilemmas.

Finally as a mood €iser the whol€ cast was Packed onlo the stage lor a reminder ol how much fun w€ lot have a medical school lhrough the medium ot m€dley. This was bravely piloled

by Edloll, Jim Moonie, Wynn€ Smith andWillHafiis, nollo men_ lion lhe the commanding presence ol Brian lllackay as band leader and all round musical ma€slro.

It

Atler much deliberation, all 70 speaking parls were casl and let us be reminded that there are no small roles, only small actors.

Our smallesl was Julia Vasanl and aftor liguring out that she would lit inside Brel Rocos's alimentary canal, we decided they should tango in the op€ning scene.

Chrislmas passed and lhe first moment ol linished genius was rov€aled lo the cast Minty came to tife. To the uninitiated, I\,4inly is a robotic ECT machine with a perfect seNice history He became the star ol lhe show through h;s unparalleled pertorm_ ance along side Rupert Ricks and Joe Clitt in lhe video 'ECl a Guide to Good Placlice. This was edited by John Craik whose services were called on lime and lime again for other videos starring Clinlon Lobo (Nigel Rawlinson) and lan Kerslake (John KiMank). Other lifth year slars included revjew veterans Hugh G€nt Peterkin (as Nigel'so good we cast him twice) Julian 26 BS

was not over iusl yel. The BMJ inlluenced programme was full

ol news, views, reviews, obitua es and glossaies slong with olher important creative eggs compiled by Emma Philips.

Perlect lor loo side reading and amusemanl lor weeks to comeAfter many weeks ol rehealsals and lhree nighls of p€rlormance it was time lor a good old knees up and the odd pinl of vodka-

Allin allitwas morelunthan a gams of naked twisler with a bottle of baby oil. Was it democratic? Almost. Did il make sense?

Nearly. Was it funny? Hihrious. Much sex? Ask the Kilted

Lolhado- he was in the bed wilh Laura. Dancing? Plenty.

Singing? Yes. Crcss-dressing? Aha. Short? Under 2hrs. All lhis and we raised 11760 lhal has been shared behiveen Friends Wilhod a Border in Cainbodia and St- Peteds Hospice herc in Bristol.

Many Thanks to alllhose involved, inclucling James Hudgelllor sTA assistance and allthose otheG I didn'l mention- CONOR

i

,t,'i

T-

A herd of young zebra make their way oe'r the crossing at the foot of Cotham Hill. But at whai cost lo the awailing lralfic?

Alull grown adull zebra on the irnproved yel llawed Colham Brow interchange. Sure to kighlen drivers and children alike.

No wonder the buses are always lale!

Key moments in history, part2- CLlCeruonLES 2005 The spring of 2005 a time lo remember, such a hot weather, great new music

vibes, and

a

shortage oJ baggy clothes. This was the ideal lime lor

Clicendales. For the past lew years it has been the responsibility ot olhers to chose the ght eye make up tor me, but this year wilh the help of Bex and lvleg, the Show was l\,4inel {Oh and all the help from all ihe choreographers, lront of house, Joe May and the dancers).

To be honesl my job was simple, watch loads ot girls do their thing in the DHB,

decide they were all good enough for lhe gours of Clicendales training, then make an idiot of myselJ while auditioning with lhe boys, and old man Vargha.

Atter the amazing selFout success of last year we new the public were desperate for more of the same, and alter some lale night debales ovet music, dances and ol course outfit colours rehearsals began. Months of practice, painstaking preparation, and vast quaniities of lake lan we were ready. With a full house of nicely crosslegged children no one was going to disappoint.

The night kicked olf with some hot hunnies and demon breakers to Get The Pady Started. The crowd now semi aroused and slighlly lipsy the legendary Joe l\,4ay, "l was born naked", took the stage to conlrol events.

Whatfollowed was a first halfto be remembered. thefilth thal can be found in a Candy Shop, the sassy girls of big spender, naked Balls. Oh it was

hot'

ting up the heckling was reduced, the audience lefl in sheer amazement, more dfinks were bought. The half time climax was starled by the semi strip, and leg (l mean eye) opening l\4y Goodies. The cow girls got their man strutting their stuft bdnging the crowd to a lrenzy. The crowd were finished ofl wilh a mixed strip that was out of this world, some moves will never be seen aqain in public!

The climax reached the crowd needed refreshmenls, and as ever the rafile to hold. Some amazing prizes won, thanks to the eflorts ol Kat, and everyone suitably tanked up the second hall kicked off. e stunning outiits were seen in tilt your head back, along with some gor us girls in the ouifils. This was followed by some truly yoga inspired moves the now famous chair dance. As the girls in the audience faltered in atten-

ion lhe boyband bought them back with some truly one off solo elforts. The rowd now screaming al the top ol their lungs, in a slightly grutf sort oi way, uld mean only one thing, Naughty Girls. And yes they were naughty, I can y with hand in heart that I never knew bra's were coming ott, il I did l'd have had my camera. The audience gripped, the gorgeous hunks of women known trannies hil the stage, and when I say hit, they were literally bouncing olf it.

Never have so little clothing and so many balloons been on slage at once. The nal dance relieved allthe ladies of the audience for as yet lhere had been no ign ol Jatta, however kue to form he perlormed, along with len dwarfs-

All in all, it was an incredible night, and I hope everyone who came enjoyed it as much as we loved doing it. Cancer and Leukaemia in Chibren is set to receive over t3000, thanks all to your generosity in funding others desires to get naked in public. Thanks to Bex and l/legs for making it all work, and allthose choreo's. See you all ne)d year. lvlike Adlam-'Fat and Proud

SportSportSportSportSportSpo rtSportSport ln this issue:

Football

Ru

gbyCricketHockeyLacrosseNetbal lfs th€ beautiful game

Hockey, th€ yeff in revlew

dd

I

we love it even il we do concede in lhe lasl

minuie afler 89mins or intricar€ passing pray...dohll! To sample this When we drunkenly a€epted to tun medics hockey lhis y@r neirher ol us were quite p@pared lo. the mllei coaster dde of financial probl€ms, inju.i6s and A &E Msits. ThanKully however, thats all lorgo$en when

addiclive cocklail

of fun and iiustralion let me know

on

ons consid€G our awssome lresher intake, many of $tom have improved loads on pilch thls ysar and have truly embiaced he drunken d€bauch€ry hat accompanies medics h@key. Yes, we are proud!

Our plaing schedule was the most hectic ol recent years lvilh local league games and NAMS finu@s against oiher medical s.hools. For

NB: Spo.ls Club

vo€bulary 135.6a:Ouiche is classically consid€r€d lo

be atan wi'l a sawryflling howeve. il is also lhe p€l namo lo. foolball giiied by UBHRFC.

som6 nunoE even this wasn't enough wilh many of the leam lraining and playing witf' the BFI doclors team. We also hoslsd RUMS msdi€l school on tour, a blg lhanls to everyone who crammed maoy slrangoF into vaious nooks and c€nnies ln lheir houses, tney brcughl58 people lor ono malchl W6 admit th€ oxcuse ol playing hockey was a weak ons!

ll l€lt al lhos€ involvod v€ry hungov€r and some of us conlemplaling how b€sl to oxplain to our houssmatos how lhe sola got broken. lnitialjon, spotu club dinngrs and awsy Jirtu€s to olhe, medicalschools hav€ ofte.ed us a chanc6 to show w€ r6ign slprsme in lancy drcss and also provided many oppoduniii€s lor mombs€ ol lhe team to horoughy Embanass lh€msolv€si Solthampton prcbably tvon'l have us back io

Our capialncy wlll end afler lhe legondary NAMS w€6k6nd, lhis y66r hosled by LiveDool. lts lhe psdect oppodunily lo put n€w social and silky hock€y skllls into praclic€. B.istol m€dics will b€ wsll r6pros€nt€d laking two t€ams dresssd as cubs and brownios (6 pBdscl opponunily lor Olll and oan B to b€ak out thos€ skift ll'6y v6 b66n dying lo woar sinc€ lh€y saw lhsrn on Tinny and Suzanne) and our n6w doublolun.6lrhar Dan has be€n wolkirg on rali'€r lhan rcvising.

Thanks to 6v€ryon6 lor makino lhis y€ar such tun! Ws would like to wish Sam a.d Slnon lh€ b€st or luck as caplains nexl ysar.

season sladed wilh llle majo ty ol the prsvious yeais toam hav ng eilher gradualed or bsing absenl on elecliveslThis lefi the side dwind €d down b primanlys6co4d y6a6 rid have broughllhe leam ol Tassively bolh on and ofl lh6 pilch.

Tle

For lh€ flsl lim€ €v6l this y€ar ws €nt€r€d Bislinglon s-asid€ l€ague which has prcv€d a hug€ succ€s€. ln lh€ ll€t iem ol games we were limwn into lhs da€p €nd slading ofi ln lh€ Pr€ml€r L€agu€ which prcved a g€at chall€ng€ lol olr €th€r lnexpea€nc€d side. Th€ lough games lo €larl wllh meani we r€ally had lo rals€ our game quickly which was good lraining and expedence which we ce.tan y b€nolitod fiom vrhen we dropped lo Division 1 wh€l€ we hav€ 6nioy6d som€ €xc€l6nl loolballand grsal l€sults. C€ntlalto many ol ourvlclorioe ln s-asldo has been lhs rock solid work oi Anni€ Hai.ison whos6 bolh atlackng and delensive skills has bsen conlinually oulslanding.

Moving ro 11.aside malch€s w€ havs cedainly b€€n ln

somev6ry€nl6r

bining high sco ng gamesl Th€ d€f€ns€ has be6n €xc€lonl aB 6v€r wirh rhs n6w r€cruirs (Laula, Eslhsr & Sona)adding lo lho slloig defence kspl by J€ss and Sophia. Th€ altacking lorcos hav€ csrlainly

tl€ s€ason wirh our lasl malch againsl P€nlnsula s€sing soms grcal grcund and skill b€ing cov6r6d lrom all ang€s.

Unlorlunal€ly €ady an lh8 season w€ lost a si$ mldllold€r Lauron lhrough lo injury who has sinc€ had lo s€tll6 as No.l ch€sd6ad6d improved ovgl

PP and Nioe and Easy

Grl.nicsls Men'. Fddtbrll Lets be brutally honest lack ol our @rc fifth yeat p€soncs and acad€my transpon issu€s have lefr us with lewer victoies lf'an past p€digroe would sugg€st. ws also must conless, our somewhat cobbled logeth€l and hungovff squad lost ro lhe French badly but nen year like a wounded liger, viclory will bo ours. Nanles incidenlally prepared lor ihe lixlurc lhis by playlng a locd pnson with memodes ot our bruising viclory from last year lr€sh in lheir minds so pehaps thats a taclic! We hav€ had a grBal clop of lresheB come through tnis year namely Harry catchpol€, Ben Olivera dd Eddie 'l'd rather sit here and play with the

y€

bLnny girls D€whirsl. Fulurg viclori6s arc just arcund look lo be h€re lo stay.

lie

comer and

Ofi h€ pitch h€ lsan has onioy€d some great socials. The tusl lem socials we€ very much about outragoous iancy dress with the lniliation b6ing spent in Blue bin bags and th6 Spons Club Dinner as Smudsl I

lelt ftat th6 challengo at the spods club dinnff was about trying to

Notable ofithe-ield anrics include winning rhe spods club Dnner boal €ce, carrying a wailing Chis to Maccy D's in Le Havre (it hun us bo ya know!) and aiiempting to potect Jmes d@sed as a giant Chicken being kick€d inlhe unmenlionables by kids on lhe ferry This season we slillhave NAMS in Dublin (loolball, Guinnes

Howov€r B€lhan and Jansy hav€ mor€ lhan prcvod nlsir worlh in lh€ he6rr ol mi<lt€ld wirh lh€ir c.nrinual strongtil providing soms good oppoiunilies up lmnt ior lhe lik6s ol Lucy and Noush. The highlighls on pilch has gol to be lhe comical display againsl soulhamplon wh€r€ s€veral playelslded lo play wiho'n studs which just provod loo much on a pitch which is b€st dascdb€d as a mud bathlas a mud bath. The malch lo renembor ol cours€ will b6 Nanlss wh€re we managed lo s€clre our lirst viclory ol lhs season wilh a dubious own goal. Bethan s lactics in lhat malch should also not b€ lorgot€n when she mnaged to lake oLt s€vsral ol our l6am who w€r6 in stlch€s laughing due io her 'r@ring'

dd woF

anising- a ldlogy 10 dval Lod ol he Rings- I m rold) dd a chdce io c€menl a mid-lable l€ague placing. Lastly Id like !o lhdk th6 wdnkliA who ar€ l€aving us tor lhe wodd ol wolk and who v€ given rheir tme over the y€ars ith€y qrow up so fast, sniv€|, sniv€l)

ensurc lhe m4odv ol the leam stayed updght past 10.30pm which only abod 3 mmged al lnilialion, however one of our litlle Fresh€fs stll hadn t quila leamt iiom pr€vious expenence as she was canied into a taii ea y off !o b€d! Th6 socond t€m was all aboul Nantesl dressed as Cow Gids we certainly managed to party witi' no hoLding back 6 Laurcn proved when lying iat on hs back semiconsciolis stllmanaging lo do the YMCA- so penning a pintofwine was notlhe great€stid€a.....1 The lrip lhough was a huge suce$ and enjoyed by alll

seen hG been go.d tun and with lhe maiodly oJ lhe leam sond ye6 lire tem should l@kforuard to going from slrenglh

OveElr the being

lo slrength over lhe next few yedsl

On the pitch, the season has b€en mixed. Stqlg esly pedornances againsl the engineeF and OTC aarc €ncouEging bd stifl opposilion in NAMS and a young unlamiliar team msant an early reliterent irom the in lhe narrow toumamenl. A h€arfelt perlormanca was however deteat by Cadifi. After Christrms, we avsng€d last y€is deleql in the ord Boys game. Noningham however pEvsd too stllng. Nates was yel again an enomous suees in every way ocepl ior on me Piu'. Toibls w€re frequenied, milk purchased, clogs borowed and dsad and alivo iat ladi€s photogEphed. Traits ol drunken debauchery wsrc display€d, tuneful songs sung ool ot tune and savoial innoconl popsies losl hat

sn

lovlng tseling Th6 season endsd on a high. emerging as runneF up in lh€ intramulal bumamanr. Alt€r indillerent group 6bge psrlornances, impf€ssiv€ dlsplays in lh6 semi fnal and tnal assen€t, tlal hs UBHRFC will con{nu€ b b6 a lorcs lo b€ r€ckoned wilh ln Brlstol,

Hoy and a BIG THANK YOU !o ev€ryon€ that h6 been part ot Nelball y€ar w€ hope )ou have all had tun. lt w6 great to begin the seay new players lrom all years, and a lot of old laces loo. son wilh so

f'is

n

We have had some lanlaslic success€s. wilh bnlidt wins against Bimingham and Southampton, snd qualifi€d for lhe NAMS linal lor the s€cond year in a rcw; in which allhough nol vicrodous $me exlremely good, compettvs Netlall was playsd. On a local lrcnl our lwo Galenlcals t€ans have taken lnt€mural by stom. Cur€nty Gal€nicals 2 i€ undefealsd in ths l€ague and Galenicals 1 arc champions of lhe loumam€ntl Thank you lo all of you who have playsd wilh sp€cial m€n. lion lo you Nolttal Aoys, lor you Sunday momlng conlributjonsl W€ should also m€ndon our social $tccassos. soms vary sexy pi€les look their placos al ths sporis Club Dinner, and othar sociab nav€ always slarted in s9l6l Flnally jusl lo say, WELL DONE ll has bssn a tanb3lic ysar and w€ look loruard lo n€xl. Elaln6 and sophia

N6)d sgason promis€s much - hls ysa/s teshets show lh€ depih of play6rs and characlels vilat to lll€ suwival ol lh€ club, and rnany ot lh€

old nam6s wlll ling€rlor anothor y€ar ot lwo yel

iledlc3 Crlckot B6port

.

Tho club always has rcom for mor€ play66, so il you hav€ n€v€r playod b€fol6, and fancy a roll alound in li6 mud, or il you are unabls lo ksop up wilh th6 commilrmnl ol uni rugby bul slill want a garn€ €ach w€€k_ 6nd, get involvod n6n s€asot G€orce Baretland PsteS€€d,akaFisterand Sharky

(reli

Wlh ths arrivalol summ€r, hs UniveFily ol BdstolModics ctickol club (UBMcc) starls off an axciling lisl ol fxtulos wfi gam€s almo€t €very w€€k€nd. These includs gamss against uCL, St. Geoq6s and L€lc€slor m€dica! schools and two Oxlord Colleges. This yeais squad is b16ss6d wilh aces of talgnt and grsat €nlhusiam.

ng caPtains)

sason is he inauquralioo or rhe The MDU - Annual lnlermodical sh@l 20-20 toumam€ni io be played on lho 24th ol Apdl 2005 in Bnsd. This weekond oi cdcker als tuatr€s a social ior lhe pats ticipating rems as well as he rest ot the Bndol m€dics.

The hlghlight or the

ye* start€d ofi suansingly wslt wft a win against Bnmingham at home. Afler 40 minules of our spe€d and skilt, Bimingham were exhausted and humilialed d so endsd he naich eady. fineir excus€ gercus lo contnue because ol our qqg€s_ being lhat it would be ioo sive and violent play)?! The broken no6e wasnt inlenliona! and a bil oi paralysis should r€ally be expected affer an invigoEling game. Word musi have qot round rhat we were a vicious bunch of hmligans as lhe University cancolled the next malch a€ had planned. Nexl came sourhampton. They had obM@dy heard he ruftrours oi lhe Brislol

The

d

bnnes' and when we anived we could see ihe iear in then eyes.

Unlortunalely h€re w& a litte mote lear in our eyes when we saw the

lctthat match. Then it was ofi lo France lo fight lor the good name ol |t'e united Kingdom. Our leam no n'oney, no lims, was a litte dopleted fc'r this visit, pittul €xcGes no passpon, and no livei- Girls, nol only did you let yourselv€s down, you l€t down your country The 7 ol us who were lhere lought hard aqEinst rhe 15 Ferch hany gianb and ws wm the fi€t halt. L€is l€av€ rhat lher€. All the freshers thorollghly snjoy€d thomelves on lour and wo.ked admirably at improving relatons b€we€n England and our con' sjze ot a lew ol their playe6 and we gallan y

of

h

was

dy

The team this year is more bowling biased, capable ol bowling oul good side. The pace lrio ol sunerh, Simon Thomlon and Nick Greaves make rhe likes ol Bretl Lee dd Hami$r' kloft like spinn€6. Th€y are backed up by allmundels Jahes Hallinan, Dave Tucker, Simon Bell, Rob Camey d Simon Happpell, who add in an exlra dimension lo the l€am. The spin atlack ol Oli 'Wde- Binlcliff, Nick limdis and Abhriit Moh le would get your knicksrs in a teisr.

Th€ solid batlinq line-up compnses ol Sret'an, Oli, Georg€ Davis, James Burstock, Chns Redford, Ufaq Qazi, Ma& Evenliegh, Dan Bryani who could all produce a match sinning innings on lheir day. We

d$

quile lortunale to have mree talern€d wick€l keepeB Chris and Nick Fas€slEnd at @r disposal.

are

Gm€e,

The medic s cickel is not just limiled to tun oo rhe field. we have plen_

V ot

socials one alter each game. Recenty lho cnckel pub_crawl

crashed its way through lhe usual student bals wilh a lol ol lhe guys

hsn lime to play Soulhdnplon agaln on hom€ oanins oxcrem€nt

tr€ in ou heads l,vs hought wo had a real chanc€. sadly, bul quil6 pr€diclably, we were wlong .nd w6losl.

wlh

6 tull srrcnglh l€am and

so th€r€ bdngs a close to tho ssason so lar. I b€liovo €v€ryon€ ln lhe iaam b now able lo walk around unaid€d and Amy, wnal Use ls a l€tl ankl6 any$iay? ll you'6 lompi€d to join us (and l€13 lacs lt who on earttr

rouldnl b€) tisn pl€as€ corn€ and ioin us on sundays bwel' or s6nd an email lo ubhwdc@hotnail.com

at 2 by lh€ walsr

ll€dics Lacross€ nav6 had a lanhstc season. W€ slad€d wilh lob of b€ginn€rs who have mads amazing prcgrcss thrcughout th6 y€ar' We td a succ€sstul welsh eights toumam€nt where ws cam€ Joudh, and E won our tirsr league match in lwo y€a6, a very nail biling close rEich against Aberystwyth- ll was wslt dsse ed after evsryon€ s hard ftrk. w6 would like lo sy a big lhank you to [.e whole leam ior lheir qislanding commitn€nr, and we look lo ard lo s€sing you all (and any faces) nen season.

fi

'E+/

Continence Clinic, by SA

(orunrncr (urur

Medical Societies

medicine encompasses high ciated medical problems. lnthis sense siings etc. cold illness, management of bites and

SCRUBS Under the masteful guidance of lvl r Christopher Davis it has been yet anolher (un)eventful year for the Bristol l\,4ed ca Schooi Surg ca Soc ety. You don t believe me? Well here is the proof.

Success and a rye smile as Mr Davis skillfully removes a piece ot satsuma from the end of a colleagues nose

:\ Laughter is the cure- Mr Suneth Jayasekera in stitches

Draycott. the societies hero, 'We wanna walk like you, talk like you...'(excerpt from the SCRUBS anrhem)

l\,rlr

Alislair Eakins practising for his trip to the Chinese restaurant

l'm afraid your baby's heart is not beating

nterested in joining or helping to run SCRUBS? Contact Mr Chris at: cd0357@ bris.ac.uk

Polzeath a new addition to the Bristol learn-to-surf-day-trip-beast?

I know, I know the waves at Croyde, Llangenith or even Putsborough are far better than those of humble Polzeath. On it's day Croyde can throw out some of the best bafiels in lhe UK, whereas I've only ever seen one person get shacked at Polzeath, a knee-boarder oll the rocks at high tide. Blink and you'd have missed il.

No, no, whal l'm proposing here is the dawn ol a new era, a metamorphosis in the Bdsiol learn-to-surf-day-tripbeast.

Gone is the age of the Gower Past is the Putsborough period. Curtailed is the Croyde erm whatevet Let me explain. and lor those ol you who have experienced the Polzealh day trip phenomenon already, I donl apologise, lor you are the few, ihe luclq lew, the band

ol yes, wsll, quite.

Lasl month we had 18 day trippers from Bdstol on Polzeath beach. Many were medics, mosl almosl transparently hungover All were lairly new to surling, all keen as KFC to gel into some rubber and get hold of a 9 ft b ghl yellow foam board.

But why Polz€ath? Why not somewhere closep Ok, her€'s the pitch.

Preparalions First, th€ road pa rt Yes,itisa2-2 hour drive, itwill be a long day. But there is a maximum ol motoMay and a minimum oi country road. No more caravan route to Croyde, lrustratingly staggered by speed cameras. As Vaga drawled when Clake's Mini monster grcwled on to the beach that day, "best part ol your direclions was the last bit, 'there are no speed cameras belween Bdstol and Colnwall"'. I'm not sure il Jim quite broke the two hour bar er on the retum iourney, but many others are close.

Second, Polzeath's got it all. No more hiring your kit in one village and schlepping it somewhere else- Polzeath has three hire shops right by the beach (the one run by the Galleon cafo is by larthe ldendliest). The biggest eaming SPAB in the country for it's is 50 meters away.

There are two pubs close by, one open until midnight called Carteis. The other, The Oyster Catcher, has cheap flats for 2 - I people, for those who fall into a flat drinking spin and have to switch to guns. There are two surf schools for lhe flush (Surf's Up is by far the most professional and experienced - ask for Pete). There's also an aging hippie newspaper shop that you've got to

see and some surl clothing outlets for the really l[]sh or

cdminally compelent.

ln you go

Third, it's a beautilulspot. As you turn the final right-hander and check the wind on the palm tree your heart is in your mouth. 5 ft off shore and solid or 2 tl on shore slop, it doesn't matter to the day-tripper Yo!'re out of lhe city and driving down into the arena of dreams.

Even il you've broken your ankle and are in plaster and can't surf there are stunning views and walks (or hobbles) and lots ol scope for arty photos, painting and gelting caught by the tide on the rocks (apologies Sarah and Gabe but it was quite amusing).

Oh and fourth, there are public toilets at the beach.

So lhere you are. ll you've made it this far you now know you've got to go, or go back. l'd never write ofl th€ Gower, nor Croyde, nor Pulsborough, they have their place, and their day. All l'm saying is pencil in Polzeaih as a day trip option, "it'll change your life, I sw€ar to God." Do be warned however, 9 tt yellow loam boards are nol for consumplion, as Petroni found to his detriment. While at sea he tried to get all his board into his mouth at lhe same lime, succeeding only in splitting his face open. He managed to drag hjmself and his parlially consumed toamie, face a macabre mask of blood and gore, to the horror of the general public, up the beach to lhe safely ol

The Ierry to Padstow- for the uninitiated

Paddy's car. There followed a 2 hour round lrip to the local Minor lnjuries Unit for steristrip application before Pelroni returned, undeleated and heroic.

Req Perin

Medics Ski Trip, Les Arcs, 200412005 I have been put under some serious pressure by the editors of black bag in recent weeks (namely James Dilley) to attempt the impossible... they asked me to write an article about the ski trip. Anyone who has been on a medics ski trip will appreciate that memories are difficult to come by at best, but here goes

There were many notable events that occurred throughout the week. Kat managed to beat our ski

Orange superheroes going back to school, and James Bond in Hawaii. ln one breath Jess and lhad planned the relentless fancy dress program, dismissing all other suggestions. Can't we dress up in red? No. Can't we dress up as wet dreams? No maybe. Anyhow, after collecting everyone from Bristol, London and Dover, we left for the slopes, but

mace sprayed in his face for telling a policeman he had a small penis. We all had the challenge of negotiating a slope at night after a rather lengthy session in a restaurant, and the tradition ol champagne on the slopes at 1oam on New Years Day was observed again! Oh yeah, we also skied a lot!

more importantly, now that everyone was on the bus, lcould start drinking. The bus journey is never a pleasant experience, and this was no exception.

We had all levels ol ability on this years' trip, from beginners to sell-confessed experts. Often beginners are a bit nervous about coming on a trip like this, but they all had a fantastic experience, and are keen to return. Thanks to everyone who came on this years ski trip - I hope you all enjoyed yourselves as much a Jess and I did. Cheers also to Si "Bitty" Guest,lor dragging me round the mountain, when all I wanted to do was sleep. But a special thanks must also go to all of the non-medics who came this year - it's always good to see new faces, and I hope you all felt welcome. lt has been said that 99 percent of medical students give the rest a bad name - I disagree- We all contribute to that bad name, especial ly when we're abroadl See you next yearl

Rich annoyed lan, who, in turn annoyed me, annoyed Mike [Adlam], and together Mike and annoyed Nick [Greaves] with walkie-talkies.

I I

On arrival in Les Arcs, everyone was a bit drained, and got an early night in preparation lor the first day on the slopes everybody that is except the Brighton boys. After many Sambucca's, JD's and other assorted drinks they made their way to "nightclub apocalypse" with a Britney Spears look-aiikeDon't worry Loz, I haven't told anyone about the blowjob!

We were really impressed with everybody effort in the fancy dress department, we had a couple of SheRa's, Mrs lncredible, Spider lvlan, The V-lven (?l?): some wonderful girls in bikinis; a very credible Princess Leia and to top it off, Simon and Flich wore their DJ's on the slopes the morning after our New Years Eve James Bond party!

rep (Frodo) in a downing competition, who was later molested by Will Laird (Frodo that is, not Kat).

Duncan Murray threw himself olf a second storey bal cony in protest after a well known kilted doctor had

Olly Pietroni

Competition Page- spot the difference and win a Littmann Classic ll stethoscope A sumrrers day, two photos and one garne but can

you spot the difference

?

â&#x201A;Ź4

,4 To enier simply send an emai to either 1d1384 a( jn1297 w/ith

vi

hat you consider to be the seven

rnajorditferences.AlentresthatmatchtheBackBagseectionwlputintoablackbaglromwhich the winner shal be drawn. Alemails must be received by lTth June at the latest. One luckywnner will receive a Littrnann C assic ll stethoscope coudesy of our fr ends down at L ttmann HQ. t'

+tt 4'-

i

:J

*

I

Sorne of the crew relax ng after the shoot

-

't;

Reviews Book reviews

- Saturday by lan McEwan - Psychiatry 3rd Edition Michael Gelder, Richard Mayou, John Geddes, Oxford Core Texts

Restaurant review

- A Cozinha. Bristol meets Portugal meets BB

Saturday, by lan McEwan There is a certain stereotype of

medical students and doctors; that of scientists bom and bred, good with numbers and charts, having no concem for the arts and with so little time to spare that reading {medical textbooks aside) is not on the agenda- the students are too busy drinking, the doctors too busy working. lf this is true it is indeed strange then that candidates Ior medical school are encouraged to have lots of other interests- extra-curricular activities you might say. No matter, much as lwould like to challenge the stereotype it is difficult to totally dispute it and is at leasl true for some ot the people most ofthe time. lt is not without irony lhen that lan McEwan s ninth novel will appealto preciselythose people bysheervirtue ofthe faci that the protagonist is one ol them.

Henry Perowne is a neurosurgeon. He is middle aged, having an almost sensual swelling below the ribs, but seems to have averted the classical midlife crisis, partly because by some accident of character, it is familiadty that excites him more than sexual novelty. He has lhus never tired of making love to Rosalind , his wite, a newspaper lawyer. He also finds stability in his work almost relishing even havjng to go in on the weekend as hewilllater

have to do. Neurosurgery is not for Henry Perowne the unravelling of his life, but a necessary and important facel of it. Working away steadily to the measured accompaniment ot the Goldberg Vaiations is to him relaxing. Henry and Rosalind Perowne have lwo grown-up children; Theo, a successful blues guitarist and Daisy his literate, too literate daughter whose first volume of poetry is about to be published. The poetic urge in her was nurtured by her grandlather, Grammaticus, himself a poet who now lives in the south of France, his wife dead and alcohol his cirief company. Perowne himself is not much of an artist, not having touched a non-medical book for some fifteen years- somelhing his daughter is attempting to correct, by setiing him as homeworkwhat she regards to be the must read books. This reflects what is touched upon elsewherc the gradual reversal ol parent and child roles- what

lrcEwan calls the long process by which you become your children s child

.

On the day the noveltakes place, the Saturday of the title, these five characters are gathering for a famiry diner and a reunion of sons. ln terms of plot that is it. Nonetheless, such apparent simplicity is underscored by network of tensions on which the narrative drive, in part, relies. The overallmood of the book is that of posl9/11 paranoia and global pessimism two themes that are made immedialely apparent- Henry Perowne awakes inexplicably early on this Saturday moming and goes to lhe window where he sees, by chance, a plane on fire tearing across ihe London skyline. ll iurns out to be a simple lire wilh no casualties, but serves to reinforce the paranoia, lo remind

us that aidiners look diflerent in the sky lhese days, predatory or doomed . lt is fioments like lhis lhat enable McEwan to muse, through Mr Perowne, on related subjects far and wide. ln lhis instance, for example, he ponders the miracle of airtravel and the strange juxtaposition of the passengers, docile and subdued yet only a thin wall away from an environment that minus sixty degrees and forty thousand feet off the ground . He goes on to imagine, as anyone who has ever flown must surely have done how being in an air crash might be- the screaming in lhe cabin partly mutfled by that deadening acoustic, the lumblinq in baqs for phones and last words. the airline siaff in terrorclinging to remembered lragments ofprccedure, ihe levelling smellofshit . The second maior lheme, conveyant of the overall mood is the war in lraq.

Perowne himself has recently converted from his antiwar slance to one oI ambivilance, having treated an lraqipro,

is

fessor of history who was tortured under Sadam s regime.

This contâ&#x201A;Źsts with the proteslers who gradually amass, to

parade later on through the streets of London, eerily closed to iraff:c.

Behind ihe larger tensions of the novel are issues closer

to home- Daisy has not spoken to her grandfaiher for some years since a silly argument on which neither will back down, whilst Henry has never liked him anyway. The reunion will bring such issues to a head. Deeper still are the numerous smaller moments lhat punctuate the narrative, such as Henry s game ofsquash with an anaesthetisl colleague and Rosalind s big legal case. Then, above all lhese is a single chance encounter thal will ultimately define the day and the novel.

BB 37

Ploi aside it is the level of descriptive detail and observa_ lional accuracy lhal really seis Saturday apart from anylhing else. ll is thus that a book that is, on the face ol it, aboui very little becomes a book about eveMhing- ln this way each segment of the narralive becomes readable on its own merits, irrespective of its place within the bigger picture. Even a simple trip to the fishmongers becomes a mouthwatering story in its own righl- lhe lobsters wearing funereal black bands as we look unmoved at lheir eviscerated silver forms with their unaccusing stare.

Perhaps the greatest desciplive achievemenl of Saturday is the trealment ol its medical subtext. Firstly there is

Perowne himself, who sees the world through doctors eyes, so lhal people walking across the squareoutside his house become biological engines with bipedal skills suiled to any terrain, endowed with innumerable branching neural nelworks sunk deep in a knob of bone casing, buried libres, warm filaments with their invisible glow of consciousness. There are also several long passages dedicated to descriptions of neurosurgery in which McEwan excels, easily justitying the two year period he spent observing the neurosurgical team at the National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery in London. One ol the key passages in the novel, lor example, revolves around emergency surgery lo treat a sub-dural haematoma, while earlier in the novelas Perowne reviews the week iusl passed lvlcEwan lakes us skillfully ihrough one of his operating lisls describing in great detail surgery for trigemminal neuralgia, a middle cerebral artery aneurysm, a pilocytic astrocytoma and a craniotomy lor a meningioma. l\,loving away lrom surgery a visit to Perowne s aging molher brings an incredibly accurateand touchingly lunny ponrail of demenlia- I put sap in the clock she tells him, to make it moist.

It is difficult to say if there are any real flaws with Salurday as those aspects which are potenlially flawed can equally be viewed as moments novelistic perleclion. Does it mat-

ler then lhal Theo was taughi to play the guitar by Jack Bruce lrom supergroup Cream, or that Henry met Rosalind as a palient in hospital or that the climax of the novel involves something that would be very unlikely to happen in real medical practice? ln the hands of a lesser writerthis may wellbe the case, but in this case il doesn t seem lo matter al all. lndeed, it almosl makes it better.

Everyone should read this book. As a novel it is perfect and even if you don I like novels you will probably learn morc about neurosurqery, Huntingdon s and demenlia

lhan you will in the rest ol your five years at medical school. ll even makes you leel like studying medicine may have been the dghl decision after all.

Asthe noveldraws to a close Perowne is leaving lhe hospital. He calls in to see a patient whose operation we leamed of in the first few pages. She starled out as a problem patient, a young girl always in trouble. Now it seems her operation to remove a tumour from her brain has cured her oI this and as Perowne stops by to see her she tells him how, in liqht of her experience in hospital, she has decided to become a doctor The novel tinishes as the day comes to an end so it was by a slrange coincidence thal on the â&#x201A;Źvening that I finished reading the book, a Saturday evening, I glanced up at the clock and saw that it had just gone midnight. As Perowne leaves the hospital and hâ&#x201A;Źads home to bed you are lelt with a leeling that allhas been neatly resolved and there is nothing left to do, butto sit quietly in the void won-

dedng what to do next. The answer? Well its simple, A drink, of course.

Psychiatry 3rd Edition Michael Gelder, Richard Mayou, John Geddes oxlord core T6xts. PBIcE !24.95

Although this book does not appear

on the recommended reading list lor the 3rd year psychiatry attachment it is still well worth checking out. Yes il may only feature a few piclures (well, it is a psychiatry book isn't it?) but it is extremely comprehensive, well writlen and bY condensing inlormalion into numerous lists and lables it is possible to grab the key points quickly without developing the very illnesses you're trying

to learn aboui in lhe process. lt is fair to say that it is a book with slightly more than you really need for the 3rd year exams but as a comprehensive and highly accessible book of reference or for those budding psychiatrists among us, it may be a sound purchaseBM

Thanks to BotdeB fot ptoviding Satuday fot rcview.

Shake hands with devil, by Bomeo Da airc, the story of the 1 994 genocide in Flwanda, wiften by the commandet ot the UN peace keeping force, was also ptovided by BotdeE. Pessurc of wotk has meant that the rcview has not been completed to meet lhe deadline lot this issue ol Black Bag. The rcview will appeat in the next issue ol Black Bag, due out Seploct 2005.

A Cozinha- a restaurant

review written in the style of a Victorian novel, in which our friends (the editors) and their young son Stuart make the long journey from

Dartmoor to dine in Bristol of an eve in early spring.

a favourable review for the Southwest Gazette. Eager to tasle the delights of Portuguese cuisine and buoyed by the promise oi a warm jug of Best we were soon ready to leave. But what oi Stuart, that perceplive angel oi a boy with a mind as wicked as can be. Please let me, please. Else I shall cry all night and be drowned in my tears come the morrow , he cried. Such manipulative ways Stuart, we shouted back in our thoughts, and such a devious mind. Yet oh what lasie buds, shalp as devils homs. Oh Stuan, come along, come along,

Heading back up the hill we passed again the hanging post, a heallhy crowd now gathered around it, covering lor a bief moment Stuart s innocent eyes lest they bear premature witness to the ills ol lhe world. On finding a pub jusl beyond we soothed our thirst. Some twenty minutes laler we moved on and set off lor the linal leg ol our iourney- inlo the labyrinth of High Kingsdown in search ol Portuguese gold.

A Cozinha nestles quietly on a Kingsdown backstreet, lying between the Universily ol B stol Centre for Comparative Molphology and the upper reaches of St Michael s Hill. Aiewel in this crown ol mystery? Perhaps, and now having ardved we would soon find out.

To start, by way of an aperitif, we were lempted by the intrigue of the white port on offer. Not a common lind in It was late afternoon and the sun was still high, but though it was spring it was early spring and winter hung lighlly in lhe air, the warm glow on the platform tempered by the ground level mist that lapped around our feet. For myself and J. this period passed not wilhout consider-

able anxiety- what with Baskeruille Hall so very visible and the memories of that hound so very lresh we would only be too glad to leave the moor behind even il jusl tor one night (one night, one night, one night in hea-ven, when you... thats enough. cut. ed). Stuart, however, was all a quiver with childish excitement at the prospect of steam kains and travel and questions flew so freely that lhey seemed to bounce of each other like tiny particles in a storm of dust. What does steam stand fof , How far is B xton? , Will God see me if I play with my willy on ihe train? , Whal grade will I be in at school next year? . Finally I granted lhe tiresome brute an answer Elementary, my dear Stuart. Elementary , I râ&#x201A;Źplled.

The journey lo Bristol was a pleasant one, lasting iust over lour hours, the bafien moorland slowly giving way lo B slols bustling port. We took a coach from the station, the horses struggling up the steep climb to the hanging post, itself being prepared lor an gvening s work, looking sombre and foreboding in the shadow cast by the setting sun. The horses recovered as the gradient reversed, the air less tainted now by their heavy breath and soon we ar ved at our residence ior the night' a guesthouse in Redland.

Our business here, and that was exactly what il was, would hopelully be mixed with a healthy dose ol pleasure; good food and fine wine should provide an evening s enlertainment and sooth us into the writing ol

our native rural Devon it proved a refreshing treat, with a h;nt of sherry and served its purpose admirably- we were by now marvellously hungry The complimentary bread and olives kept the morale high as we perused al leisure

A Cozinha 40 Alfred Place Kingsdown Bristol Avon BS2 8HD

Tel: 0117 944 3060

CnLinha

the menu- it was just as we had hoped lor. A seleclion broad enough to provoke quandary in ones mind yet narrow enough not to unsetlle the readet This was perhaps somethings of a reflection ot the fact that the menu changes on a monthly

Flxecl

yice, no supplermE, no hid.len etuas. rc

rch

Thrce coutses: t2400. two coursas: t19.75. One cou6e: $15.50 Conpl.imenlary bread baskeb, olives and ganic bread

basis, ensuring constant vadety and

the freshest ingredients. As a caveat the owner reserves the ght to keep successlul dishes on the menu. ln this way one may look forwad to returning with the exciting prospect of meeting lriends old and

By now Stuart was enjoying his second Coca Cola. a special treat indeed and having ordered, our taste buds wept at the notion of original portuguese food midst such homely ambiance' were it nol lor the view lrom the window one could well imagine oneself in some Lisbon tavetna or some bar in rural Portugal.

For staners we had all opted for the pan fied choudco- a pedect starter; rich, multifac€ted and not so lilling as lo render the main course a burden. Belwe€n courses we were lett with ample time to get to know our wine (the house red- w€ are afterall sludenls) and to soak up lhe atmosphere, without ever feeling lhe noed to t\rvist our necks to remind the wailer of our exislence as unforlunately occurs from time to time. The noise leve! was such as thal which one deshes in an eating establishment- loud enough lo assure oneself that the venue of choice caflied belore it a reputation of note, yet nol so loud that one need struggle lo make oneself heard. ln good time lhe main course arived. Firsl came the house speciality to be be shared between J. and Stuart. The large copper calaplana could perhaps in lesser eslablishments be considered a gimmick, but if my words are not enough to reassure you that this is not the case then I urge you to find yourself faced, as we did on this glorious evening with the the steamy melange of aromas, at once exotic and comforting, and not be delighted. I chose the Rojoes de Minhota, a pok, chourico and vegetable dish. Similar in presentation to lhe cataplana, but on a a smaller scale and lacking ils sealood aroma. Rich and heany, it proved

CAMA DE AAUNHA.....Chid<en, nce and nint soup.

ESPETADA PEAUH'tA.....Mainacled nnied tish kebabs baked in the

sM.]

wik

lqw

o1/en

and

and gadk: aioli.

SAIADA DE BACALHAU E GRAO-DE-BICO.....Saft cod an.! chick pea salad.

CHWRICO ESPINAFRE.....Chouti@ sueqe pan+i6d wilh r6d onion.lomaa

PORCO NA CATAPLANA.....A supeb dtsh of potk, ttesh tish and seatotd, ional copper cataplana "llouse sleAned aN setuecl in a *Mininun tso p€ 60 n s speci a Iity PEIXE NA CATAPLANA.....SUq9o dish of lrcsh tish and sealood, staaned wik in dry vhiE l/tine wilh @riandet an.! tonatoes.

RA)OES DE MNtAt .....A tobust potk, chounco and pickted vegetablg dish

tu

"

CARNEIRO GUlSAOO..,.Rich dish ol lanb, nnnadecl in smoked sweel Wpdka an ! btaised in Mlile wine witt veggtables, garlic, chourico and fresh nint.

BACALHAU A AOMES DE SA.....Layerc ol sa cod, onions, ga b and potato

ABrcz A uALE|vclANA.....Paelh

style dish ol basmati ch, orcnge, frcsh fish

MILHO FRrO COM LEGUMES...Connealennched wik peconno and Pan hEcl and serled sdh olen baked vegelabtes in a chili oildressing.

he.!s.

SoDrgrnesas/Desse.lsr

R^JUDE

DE AMENDOA...ftlad ahnod d.ssed.

TABTE DE LlM O.....Behoshing lanon bn6.

MOUSSE DE CHOCOLAIE.....Ri'' chocolata nousse.

PUDIM DE UFANJA SALAADAS E LEqE OOCE.....B1\ t otang. and Ewaat

QUEUO DE PoBrtmAL.....podug$a chaasa, hul and al caka plaiar SEBVICE CHABGE lS AACRE|IONAAY ohat than lot padhs ol a ot note, whan an optional 10% lNiI be ba addarl to th6 bill.

mosl enjoyable. To finish, lhe lemon tart - always a lavourite ol nine seemed irnpossible lo refuse. I was not lo be disappointed with lhis classic take on a classic desseft. We rounded olf the meal with coffeeshort, strong and black.

As we finished olf the wine the conversation lell back into its usual ebb and flow., soon to be shaken, though it was. Downstairs in the lower seating area is a large open lireplace. We were assurcd that in winter it is the perlect place lo relax wilh a bottle of wine and is a popular venue for local Spaniards and Portuguese- Sadly we had akeady paid lhe bill, else we may otheMise have done iust that.

Unfortunately, the very mention of the lireplace had tumed the conveGation again to Baskerville HalF oh must that

hound haunt us forever? As evening turned lo nighl it was we all agreed tine head horne, Stuart, lhe poor thing was already possessed with heavy eyes and we had an early start in the morning.

We headed off into the streeilit night, A Cozinha akeady occupying a wam place in our memories. Hopefully such memories would help us through the troubled times ahead when we must face the aftermath ol events in the all too recent past and try lo rebuild a community still in shock.

S'tuart was now so tired thal I slung him upon my shoulders. Do you think he ll notice, J. said, if we stop in for one more Best. I doubt he will, I said.

I doubt he will.

Ask Elaine/Sue says

Elaine

Having problems? The emotional strain of exams per haps, or that strange ulcer on your penis. Simply send your problems on a postcard (so lhat everyone can read lhem) to Ask Elaine, C/O Black Bag, Schoot of [4edicat Sciences, Bristol and Sue will reply on her behalf. pS: even if you don t send them on a poslcard we will print them here anway anyway in siriclest lack of confidentiality.

I otten find my self really pushed Jor time in exams. I have some trouble reading lhe questions quickty enough and have lo iake a bil more time over my spetting when wrjting the answers. Someone suggested to me that I might be dystexic and that I shoulcl be tested lo see it I deserve more lime in exams. Do you lhink lhat I shoutd go for a test?

No, no, no. You ate not dystexb. Didn'! anyone ever tel you that med school exams were supposed to be difficuft? Don't bother getting the iest, as then att you wilt be is one of those annoyinq lit e twats who I have to wait arcund for an exlra hatf hour befote I can have a t'ag. Besides, you wil miss out on valuable tine in rc pub with you mates where you can dissecl Ihe exam, realise you've put diflerent answerc hom everyone else, and gel suita y f'ked.

Elaine I am a first year medic al Erislot. tn the chrislmas lem I wenl oul on the medics' mums and dads night, to meet my medic dad. W€ slruck it oll immediatety not before tong we became lovers. I was smitten and tound mysetf fatting deepty for lhis guy. Howeverjust betore Christmas break he broke my hean saying lold me lhat he didn't want to see me anymore, and that he wanled to spend more time on neLloanatomy. I was head broken. I returned tor lhe Chrishas hotidays, and tound mys€ l hng lhe vord rn my t,le by becomrng rncreasingty attract€d lo my own Dad. This all came to a head on Chrislmas Ev€ when we made mad passionate love under the tree, He was an amazing lover and knew exactly whal I wanted. We have since been secrolly been sleeping with each other now in holiday time, but I tear lhat what wel€ doing is jn someway wrong, and I'm now concerned aboul returning home lorths long summer holiday. Elaine what should I do?

Elaine in casual mode, while Sue (betow) does

a

the work

Yout univercity years can be clifficul!, and your tove lile is no exceplion, As l've always said incest is best, and that dear. is nry advice to you, Go on tteat you old nan to a few norc rides, he's ptobably gagging lor good shag since you mother's vaginal prolapse. Who's you dacldy!

Elaine I'm currenlly on a clinical attachment down in yeovjt. As t,m sure you will agrce lhe place is a shit hote and t,m stuck there wilh the dregs ol lhe medicalschoot. As a resutt t,m rctrcaling back to Brisiol on a daily basis. When back I'm having one hetluva ol a lime, out on lhe lash wiih att my mates_ The probtem is lhat I am otten still pissed in the morning and have to negotiate lhe busy rush hour trallic on my tong drive back. I'm concern aboul getting stopped by lhe potice, crashing my car and about how much longer I can sustain this tifestyte.

Why, I don'l envy you. When I was tast dtiving through yeovit t managed to collect thrce speeding tines, such \jlas my haste to get the f'k out of the ptace. Being in the agony aunt business fot a lew yea$ noa lre nanaged to gather a few top tips which I think night iust help you. Firs y d ve in the mjddte lane down the noton/ay, as no ane is interested by Mr Avetage: secondly il you get stopped by the potice, ctaim you are an asthmatic. By saying this, the PlGs can,t brcathatyse you, and are forced to take you down the cop shop to test yout blood lor alcohol, buying you a magicat hour ot fiyo for the Iiquor to cleat. Altematively il you feel rcatty a,lvfut, just take the day oll, ancl watch Phil and Fen fron the confon ot you bed.

After all Ihere is no tush, there are atways going to be ill peoDISCLNIMER NE THEq ELAINE NOF SUE WBOTE ANY OF THIS

A DAY IN THE DAY

Dr Clive Roberts is the medical clinical dean and consultant senior lecturer in clinical pharmacology at Bristol University Medical School. He is also consultant physician at the Bristol Royal lnlirmary. He lives in North Somerset with his wile and three children (ages 2, 5 and 4. He has lhree older children ftom a previous marriage (ages 23, 29 and 3l). The youngest of the three, Sam, worked as part ot the Tsunami relief eflort and leatured recently in the Evening PostI wake up at six, unless the kids are up earlier. We live on a farm - a smallholding, I call it so, children aside. its usu-

-

ally fairly peaceful in the mornings.

Breakfast is just a yogurt and a mug of studenl style- black, with a louch milk. On weekends its a difierent story eqos, freshly laid by our hens, are on lhe menu.Allthree children go school nearby in Nailsea so thats no reat logistical problem and even il itwas lm usually in work before thev leave ome, arriving on most days by eight.

time at work is divided 50:50 university and NHS commit' nts. University lime involves lots of I\,,ly

rwork, lecturing, meetings and see-

ing students. Sometimes the students in trouble- borderline exam results,

r atlendance, that sort of thing. ll re already walking the plank ltry not push them. Other times they just wanl take my picture. I can undersland that. ln hospital I m otficially a clinical pharmaogist, but I do a lot of medical iakes -

ve spent a lot of time in the southSchool was in Taunton and my early jobs were in Salisbury and Plymouth. Thalsaid, lve done mytime in I

was Kings - lgrad uated in 1969, the same summer that Apollo 11 landed on the moon, and later I worked at lhe London for a while, but

for them and with that in mind we ve bought a caravan for trips to the seaside Lunch is just a sandwich brought

its good to be back where lstarted.

Besides, there arent many farms in

afternoon and, uniess

London-

Its a fairly quick iourney. Quicker in t lsuzu Bighorn (an imported Trooper), bui I usually take the Micra- quite a contrasi at only 700cc- I think thats the smallesi

I started teaching at Bdstol in 1974 and made consultant in 1980. lt wasn t until 1997 that I became clinical dean, sacdficing some of my clinical work, and a year later that we bought Clapton Wick Farm. Ouiside workthe larm s an important pad of nry life. lts a 6 acre plot with sheep and hens. There s also lots of grass lo mow and fences to rcpail so there s no shorlage of jobs to keep me busy. We ve got horses too, but they re lor my wife. I prefer taking the quad bike oul for a ride. The family is also important. There s quite an age range. My oldest, at 31, is a doctor, ihen next in line, at 29, a banker. Sam, who s the youngest of the three from my first marriage has just rctumed from helping out with the Tsunami relief. He got quite a lot of press coverage and it was good to see him in the paper. Wilh the other three its a different story. lts all about fun ard

home.

lt

keeps me going lhrough t

lm on take

I

usually ready to leave by a quarter to si

engine in any car.

My wife is a vegetarian so il s a vegqy diner on most nights. Sometimes we go out or get a take away, but wilh young

children around we tend iusl to stay in.

Well have wine with diner and maybe even afteMards too, although I ve usualIy got some work to do. lts mainly checking my emails. lf I m free I may,ust relax in front of the television.

Bedtime is between hall eleven and twelve. That gives me six hours of sleep.

I m not one of ihose people who find il dilficult to sleep and I usually drift oti without too much trouble' thats nothing

to do with being pissed o, course. lll spend the night dreaming of spending the weekend on the iarm and wake up refreshed and ready for anolher day.

Clive was interviewed by Jim Moonie who lhen converted the noles into a first person narrative lilling in the gaps wnh lies as per normal history lakinq. Thanks musl go to Clive lor accepting this imposition on his birthday of all days.

fhink, Day of the Triffids' meels Dr Zhivago'.

Black Bag Film Review

ldont doubt the (p) value of this film .

Clive Roberts