Returning Home

returning home

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returning home Hang Gao

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"You still don't know why you are so busy.

You'd better say nothing. Repeating is the best choice for you.

You choose to subvert the absurdity in this great age.

You stand in the rain with nothing to do.

You can't feel any strength even with your eyes closing.

You can't forget, can't follow your heart.

You just can't continue sinking like that."

— Lyrics from Raining by folk singer Li Zhi

“Life in the UK is like a dream, a hallucination,” one of my friends told me when she was back to China trying to ind a job, “You think you are special while studying in the UK. But in the end, you are nothing.”

Ater hiding in this dream for two years, I returned to my motherland this summer right ater my girlfriend broke up with me.

I lew back to China alone. I did miss my motherland, so I hope that the feeling of being home could comfort me. But I realised I was wrong as I got of the plane feeling the heat of summer. I knew that I still don't like this country, although I am

a Chinese, and I speak Chinese most of the time even in the UK. People say that students would love their motherland more ater studying abroad. I don’t.

Perhaps it was the avoidant part of me that kept me from truly loving something or someone.

Once I did a small test on adult attachment, and the result showed that mine belonged to dismissing attachment. It was said that: "Dismissing attachment is characterized by a positive self model and a negative model of others. Dismissing individuals also avoid closeness because of negative expectations; however, they maintain a sense of self-

worth by defensively denying the value of close relationships."1 Indeed my relation with parents couldn’t be called close. And my last relationship has just ended because of me being too avoidant.

I blamed it partly on the traditional Chinese culture as I was reading an early sociology book on rural China. Writing in 70 years ago, Xiaotong Fei pointed out the egocentrism inside the traditional Chinese culture comparing with individualism in Western society.

“Everything worthwhile rests on an ideology in which the self is central.”2 Being the only child, I am used to staying in my own

world and reluctant to accept the outside world. I only love myself probably.

In order to ind a cure, I decided to travel across the country visiting major cities: Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen. I also got a chance to visit the north-west of China, to Qinghai Province in the Tibetan Plateau.

Although these places are located in diferent parts of China, I sometimes felt a sense of strange similarity among them. When I was wandering around in Lujiazui, CBD of Shanghai, I was thinking about Zhujiang New Town in Guangzhou. When I was walking on the streets in Haidong of Qinghai province, those boring communist-style buildings reminded me of my old hometown. What is the identity of those cities? Perhaps I was not going deep enough into their local culture.

Most of the time I travelled by train, or more correctly, highspeed railway. hanks to the party’s enthusiasm for building public infrastructure, even a small town like my hometown

has a high-speed railway station.

I could easily go to Guangzhou or Shanghai within 5 hours.

Backing to my undergraduate time, it took me more than 12 hours from home to Guangzhou by train.

Although the experience is much better, I still felt uncomfortable while travelling. First, it’s the planning of the stations and city transportation. With so many people there are still few entrances and exits. Security gates are everywhere even in underground stations. In Shanghai Hongqiao Railway Station only one gate was open although there is at least nine gates. In Beijing, the transfer in Xizhimen station would take at least 6 minutes including climbing stairs, taking an escalator, and going through the relief area.

Another reason is the crowd.

China has the world’s largest population in the world, and this is the fact that I cannot escape.

People talked loudly on the train. Children watched terrible cartoons on their tablet with speakers on.

he crowd reminds me of my high school time when one class could have more than 60 people, and one grade could have 30 classes. It is a military-style boarding school where study and exams dominated students' life.

Being in a crowd is like being a product in a factory line. I kept thinking about the description of Chairman Mao's period and words on the textbook advocating collectivism.

However I did met lots of people during the journey, old friends and new, because I am afraid of being alone. I always think that it is people that I miss not things like beautiful landscapes or fancy shopping malls that kept me missing China. I was come back to see them. And they might be the cure for me. hus, this project is a mixture of my personal emotions with some comments on the sense of alienation and absurdity in China’s society. It also relects my transition from avoidance and solitude to being gradually involved in China’s reality again.

1. Bartholomew, K., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Methods of assessing adult attachment: Do they converge? In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment heory and Close Relationships (pp. 25-45). New York: Guilford.

2. Fei, X(1992), From the soil:the foundation of Chinese Society. Berkeley and Los Angeles:University of California Press, P60.

All photographs were made in China between May and July 2016

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Jiaochagnwei, Shenzhen Ditto British Tea House, Shanghai Nanjing Road East, Shanghai hree Shadows Photography Art Centre, Beijing Way to the ruins of old home, Xiagao Cun, Gao'an, Jiangxi Near Qinghai Lake, Qinghai Yangguang Square, Beijing Zhujiang New Town, Guangzhou Jiaochangwei, Shenzhen Wudaokou, Beijing CTF Finance Centre, Guangzhou Chongzhao Lin, 22:22 Café's owner, Guangzhou 22:22 Café, Guangzhou Xiao Liang, ex-employee of PetroChina Company, Guide, Qinghai Kanbula National Forest Park, Huangnan, Qinghai Father ishing, Xiagao Cun, Gao'an, Jiangxi Near Guangximen station, Beijing Huaihai Middle Road, Shanghai Five-dimensional Space Creative Park, Shanghai Violin busker in soho area, Sanlitun, Beijing Guitar player in shopping mall, Mosaic(353 Plaze), Shanghai Shanghai 21st Century Minsheng Art Museum, Shanghai 798 Art District, Beijing Security entrance with socialist core values poster, Hongqiao Railway Station, Shanghai Zhujiang New Town, Guangzhou Waitan, Shanghai

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Outside Wangjing Station, Beijing Lujiazui, Shanghai Jing'an Temple, Shanghai Qutan Temple, Haidong, Qinghai Near Qinghai Lake, Qinghai Guide National Geopark, Qinghai Yellow River, Kanbula National Forest Park, Qinghai South China Sea, Shenzhen Near Qinghai Lake, Qinghai Xizhimen Station, Beijing Lujiazui, Shanghai Beijing South Railway Station, Beijing Shenzhen North Railway Station, Shenzhen Waitan,Shanghai Still Water production line, Haidong, Qinghai Haidong, Qinghai My cousin Sidney Li with old friend Pony Ma, Wudaokou, Beijing Improvisation acting workshop, Shanghai Zhi Dou and Bo Zheng, graduates from Leeds University, Shanghai Dinner with undergraduate classmates, Guangzhou Yiyu Shao, Mall of the World, Zhejiang New Town, Guangzhou Wenhao Xiang, Harbook+ store, Reel, Shanghai Cousin and his son, Ruiyang New District, Gaoan, Jiangxi Playing A Doll's House, Improvisation acting workshop, Shanghai Improvisation acting workshop, Shanghai

Selected notes to the photographs

3 JIAOCHAGNWEI, SHENZHEN I was surprised by the Britishstyle decoration of my hotel. I could always see some British elements while travelling: the lag, red bus, Costa, Burberry, and so on. I even had an aternoon tea with my friends in a British Tea House.

10 WAY TO THE RUINS OF OLD HOME, XIAGAO CUN, GAO’AN, JIANGXI his is the road that I took to walk to my grandparents' place in the countryside every spring festival. he village was demolished in 2013 to give way to the building of the high-speed railway. My grandmother now lives in the garage of the new settlement building. Although the entire unit belongs to our family, it is too hard and dangerous for her to climb the steps.

22 CHONGZHAO LIN, 22:22 CAFÉ'S OWNER, GUANGZHOU

Chongzhao Lin is my undergraduate classmate. He started his cofee shop next to our school one year ater graduation in 2014, and just opened his second shop near the city centre this July. I took the photograph at our three-year reunion with a few classmates. We were slightly drunk at that time, talking about what we’ve done during these three years and our plans for the future.

money. Since I was in high school, he has been working outside of our hometown. He comes back home every weekend.

Every Sunday, he will drive us to grandmother’s place to eat lunch with other relatives.

23 22:22 CAFÉ, GUANGZHOU A painting by art student Tianqi Shen. I once asked him its meaning, and he said it is about a man who is under too much pressure, just like you and me.

67 IMPROVISATION ACTING WORKSHOP, SHANGHAI To warm up for the improvisation acting workshop, people are assigned randomly into pairs. hey will introduce themselves to each other in two minutes, then change the partners. hey will introduce themselves to the new partners, pretending to be the person they’d just talked to.

27 FATHER FISHING, XIAGAO CUN, GAO’AN, JIANGXI I don’t have a very close relationship with my parents, especially my father. Back in the UK, I would do a weekly visit with my mother but rarely spoke to him unless it was about

78 IMPROVISATION ACTING WORKSHOP, SHANGHAI In another warm-up for the workshop, people stand in a circle, looking at the loor, then they raise their heads. If someone’s eyes meet another’s, they should both scream.

Acknowledgement I never thought being alone again would be so hard. I could not have inished this book without a great deal of help from many friends.

I would be hopeless without my new friend, Wenhao Xiang, who is also a brilliant photographer. Although we just met this summer, she ofered me plenty of support, both personal and relating to the project. And thanks, too, for your company in Shanghai.

Sometimes I felt emotional during the journey. I was lucky to have Angel and Xiaoxiang Ao to reassure me. Your words meant a lot to me. hanks to Qishen Jing for helping me produce the book. hanks to everyone in 22:22 CafĂŠ - and the cat. hanks to Boya Reach and my cousin, Sidney Li, who ofered me the opportunity to travel to Qinghai with an amazing group of people.

Lastly, I'd like to thank all the people I met during the journey: Chongzhao Lin, Zhirong Xia, Jinuo Li, Yiyu Shao, Pujin Zhao, Lishan He, Zhaonan Li, Yicol, Zhiqing Wang, Pony Ma, Lu Xu, Cong Zuo, Jie Han, Yining Gao, Yinyue Wang, Pingping Xiao, Yiyin Wang, Ting Li, Hui Yang, Yu Peng, and Lingling Chen. I am deeply grateful.