GROW A PAIR, DON’T GHOST

Him: Are you still awake? I got the message on three different platforms. But when I read it five hours later at 6 AM, I found myself blocked on all of them and unable to respond. I actually laughed, as this was the same guy who had unblocked me one night to “hang out” but immediately reinstated the block when I revealed that I was a bit drunk and unable to come. Our latest exchange really took the cake, though.

Me: Are we still doing coffee or whatever?

Him: Hey. Yeah, I just haven’t found time.

My response of, “OK well just let me know,” turned green immediately and then…blocked.

His technique is a more evolved version of what we all know as the ubiquitous practice of “ghosting”. The official definition of ghosting is when someone simply disappears on their partner. No breakup talk. No text. Not even, and this is for you Sex and the City fans, a Post-It. Just…poof! Casper isn’t such a friendly ghost after all, he’s disrespectful, self-centred, and doesn’t have the courage or social decency to let you know directly that he’s no longer interested.

Most daters claim they do it to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, but ghosting is actually just a selfish act and an easy solution to avoid broaching a difficult, emotionally wrenching conversation. We do it because it makes us feel less awkward and uncomfortable; it really isn’t about taking the other person’s feelings into account at all.

Though I am the king of ghosting at parties and events, I make an extra-large effort to never do it in a relationship that I myself have also shown some interest in.

My general rule is to never ghost someone I’ve gone on a few dates with unless I feel incredibly uncomfortable. So, I set out to prove this to myself by scrolling through my text messages from the past few years (yeah, I don’t delete anything), and I saw that I had no problem with telling people that I was no longer interested in pursuing a relationship. It is whenever I just wasn’t feeling it after a single date or sometimes two (I call this “the grey area”) that I ran into a few discrepancies on the rule. In these cases I either pulled the slow fade or ghosted flat out. However, over the years I have learnt that, rather than wasting someone’s precious time and emotional energy that could be better invested by getting back into the dating market, committing to letting someone down in a compassionate and straightforward way is so much kinder.

Some will say our generation’s tendency to dip out on each other has to do with how easy it is to do so now that our lives are mostly digital and this digitalisation of romance and dating has damaged our communication skills. But that seems too easy a response; I’ve heard more than one story of people slipping out of dates in real life with fake emergencies. So what is it then? Why do we prefer to just vanish instead of doing the more mature thing?

My one friend had an interesting response, “I don’t want to have to explain myself to anyone.” And while that may be a valid point, it is this kind of attitude that leaves most ghostees devastated. Studies have shown (as does a quick sampling of my own friends) that the vast majority of people appreciated the closure of a negative response in the long run as opposed to a disappearing act.

Psychologically, you are abandoning someone and betraying their trust when you ghost. Being left in the dark when you are pinning your hopes on something is a terrible feeling. Before the resentment sets in, we turn inward and blame ourselves, we feel rejected and somehow less worthy.

Did I do something wrong? Am I too clingy? Am I bad in bed? Is my radar broken? Am I unlovable? There’s so much mental anguish that goes into over-analysing what happened. It is just soul-crushingly painful, and some might

By ZAMO MTHETHWA ghosting someone only proves your emotional immaturity

experience it more harshly than others.

When you definitively tell someone you’re not interested, there is a chance you’ll get the “Why?” response, yes. This could lead to an unwelcome and awkward backand-forth that bludgeons the inevitable, but what is a moment’s discomfort in comparison to saving someone so much more pain? I cannot help but recommend that a firm communication of your intentions of moving in a different direction is simply good manners. After that you are off the hook, if they keep nagging you, you are within your rights to do a Houdini act and go on with your day.

And then just for those who bear fresh ghostee scars, ghosting is a sign of emotional immaturity and ghosters also tend to be serial ghosters. Staying away from such people is always a good idea if you are lucky enough to know this personality flaw before you start developing feelings for someone. It could be that someone is keeping you just interested enough in them for you not to be able to move on, clinging to hope, out of pure selfish motivations.

See, about one month before the scenario described above with the aforementioned ghoster unfolded, we’d had dinner together. It was slightly tense and uncomfortable, and by the end of it, we’d both admitted we just weren’t a match. It was a clean break (block included). Yet four months later we were cuddled up in bed exchanging apologies, decidedly ‘on’ again. What I am trying to say with this is that it wasn’t painful to admit that no matter what we had said before, we did want to try again. It didn’t cause a cosmic shift, nor did it put either of us at a disadvantage. Love is ever complex so don’t be afraid of being honest about your feelings right now, it is not always the end of the road. At the same time do not be the fool who always takes the bait like a fish swimming after a hook they will never catch.

Just always acknowledge when you’ve put your heart on the table and when you’ve taken it off.

So, in the words of the Ghostbusters song “If there’s something weird and it don’t look good, who you gonna call…?” How about your partner so that you can break things off with some dignity and respect?