Generation Magazine - March 8, 2011 - International Women’s Day. Yay!
CONTENTS
Featured Also 05 | Editor’s Letter
Why are we attacking teachers?
07 | Agenda
Weezy-F bay-bay.
08 | He Says, She Says
12 12
What’s up with all the weird bathroom habits?
09 | Message Board 10 | Buffalo Break Stuck in Buffalo for spring break? We have some ideas for you. 12 | SoundLab
18
Interview with Michael Baumann.
14 | On the Road If you’re going out on a road-trip, we give you 20 things to remember.
15 | Hit or Bulls***
16 | Buffalo’s Irish Pubs
23
(716)2010-GEN Text us your comments, advice questions, texts from last night, picture messages or whatever else you want other people to see (and we do text back). 716- 201-0436.
NYC image by deltabelun on flickr
oscars image by lincolnblues on flickr
14
Mike Hucka-whaaa?
Kathryn looks for the best Irish pubs in Buffalo. Duh.
consensual sex with your girl friend
and no, not in a dirty way.
Short story by Matt Lenox.
17 | BYU Sex How to get punished for having
18 | Condom Test We tested a bunch of condoms, 20 | Literary
23 | Parting Shots
When will UB get co-ed dorm rooms?
SBI Announcements
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EDITOR’S LETTER Fighting for Teachers
When I applied to the Media Study department at UB, I was told that I had to pick a minor in order to graduate. I didn’t really want to do anything else other than Media Study and the options were limited, so I went with something I always had interest in – education. People I tutored have always told me I should become a teacher. I’ve always wondered what it took to be one, and who knows, maybe if all else fails, I can become Mr. Whatever-hislast-name-was. But considering what is happening in Wisconsin and around the country, financially and legislatively, I can only feel bad for my class-
mates who genuinely do want to become teachers and make an impact in children’s lives. According to Buffalo News, just a couple of weeks ago, Buffalo schools officials foreshadowed hundreds of new teacher layoffs due to the state budget cuts. In other areas of the country, such as Houston, the layoffs are resulting in average class size increase from 28 to 40. Learning is becoming impersonal to the point where teachers aren’t able to remember the names of all the kids in the class. Just reflect on your past and where you learned the most? Did you learn the most while on your laptop with 200 other students in a lecture hall? Or did you learn the most in a class of 10 to 15 where you actually spoke to the teacher or professor and they knew who you were? If you think about our current economic situation and the standing of the United States as a world power, how are we supposed to keep our ground when we can’t fund the education of our kids? At the same time, how can we expect teachers to be the best they can be when they are underpaid for the overwhelming amount of work they must do? One thing has been going for the teachers around the country, and that is their union and a good benefits package. Teachers go into their profession with good intentions, knowing they won’t get paid a lot and knowing that they will spend their time off doing lessons plans. They teach because knowing that you affected a child in a positive way is a reward like no other. Therefore it makes sense to provide some job security and good benefits for caring teachers who nowadays take on duties of a parent, and at the same time, provide a foundation for success for future generations. In Wisconsin, and around the country, this ideology has come under scrutiny. FOX News has gone as far as discrediting the teaching profession, referring to it as a part-time, over-paid job. The union-busting efforts of Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is just one
example of how messed up some of the political thinking in this country really is. If you are unfamiliar with the situation, the Republican Governor proposed a bill that would eliminate collective bargaining rights of public employees, including teachers and also increase benefit costs. According to him, this is the best solution for solving the state’s multimillion dollar budget deficit. But why must teachers be punished while Republicans are trying to lower taxes for the rich? It seems as though the general consensus among Republicans is that the public sector should be punished for all deficits. Weren’t the hardworking, honest middle-class citizens that bailed out the big corporations in the first place? It just does not make sense. In education, you will often hear that there’s a constant need for math and science teachers, and that United States is lagging more and more in those fields. So how are we supposed to get more teachers when we treat them like crap? In New York, all we do is blame teachers for poor performance and test scores. In most cases, it’s beyond the teacher’s control. Most teachers do a magnificent job if given the right resources. Of course there are a few bad apples here and there, but the reality is, the United States’ focus on education has entirely diminished, to the point where teachers are treated as factory workers. We need to look at the bigger picture, and that is, to keep our country prosperous, we must invest in education instead of cutting back, no matter what.
Dino Husejnovic Editor in Chief
Generation Magazine 2011 - 2011 Staff Editor in Chief Dino Husejnovic
Managing Editor Kathryn Przybyla
Creative Director Elizabeth Flyntz
Contributing Designer Jordan Rosenberg
Copy Editor
Catherine Prendergast
Associate Editors Seon McDonald Steve Neilans Allison Balcerzak
Photo Editor
Marina Bayramova
Circulation Director Rashid Dakhil-Rivera
Contributing Staff Josh Q. Newman Nathan Grygier Jessica Brant Allison Ruiz
Business Manager Ariella Goro
Ad Manager Tommy Zhao
Cover photo by Marina Bayramova. Stock photos courtesy of stock.xchng Generation Magazine is owned by Sub-Board I, Inc., the student service corporationat the State University of New York at Buffalo. The Sub-Board I, Inc. Board of Directors grants editorial autonomy to the editorial board of Generation. Sub-Board I, Inc. (the publisher) provides funding through mandatory student activity fees and is in no way responsible for the editorial content, editorial structure or editorial policy of the magazine. Editorial and business offices for Generation are located in Suite 315 in the Student Union on North Campus. The telephone numbers are (716) 645-6131 or (716) 645-2674 (FAX). Address mail c/o Room 315 Student Union University at Buffalo, Amherst, NY 14260 Submissions to Generation Magazine should be e- mailed to ubgeneration@gmail.com by 1 p.m. Tuesday, a week before each issue’s publication. This publication and its contents are the property of the students of the State University of New York at Buffalo 2011 by Generation Magazine, all rights reserved. The first 10 copies of Generation Magazine are free. Each additional copy must be approved by the editor in chief. Requests for reprints should be directed to the editor in chief. Generation Magazine neither endorses nor takes responsibility for any claims made by our advertisers. Press run 5,000.
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source: reddit user: skeezer
AGENDA
BROADWAY| ROMEO AND JULIET | MARCH 11
The Shakespearean ill-fated romance is re-imagined through the finesse art of ballet. The Neglia Ballet Artists team up with the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra to present a passionate and dazzling show of love, humor and tragedy. Venue: Shea Performing Arts Center. Tickets start at $46
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CONCERT | LIL WAYNE, NICKI MINAJ, TRAVIS BARKER & RICK ROSS | MARCH 18
Popular Rapper Lil Wayne is headlining the “I Am Still Music” concert series around the country. Joining him is the An Alien invasion which threatens earth climaxes to an epic battle in Los Angeles where Aaron Eckhart audacious Nikki Minaj, expert drummer/musician Travis (The Dark Knight) plays a platoon commander who must lead the last defense against the seemingly Barker and hip hop connoisseur Rick Ross. Venue: HSBC Arena Tickets start at $40 insurmountable threat.
MOVIE | BATTLE: LOS ANGELES | MARCH 11
CONCERT | ICE CUBE | MARCH 1
The multi talented rapper, actor and producer of the “Are We There Yet” movies which is now a tv series will stop by in Buffalo to perform his hip hop classics. Since he’s been concentrating on his acting career lately, it’s a treat to see his musical side again. Venue: Town Ballroom. Tickets start at $20
MOVIE | LIMITLESS | MARCH 18
Bradley Cooper (The Hangover) stars alongside Robert Deniro in a thriller film about a copywriter who discovers a questionable drug that makes him highly focused and confident propelling him to success in the business world. Soon the drug’s shady connections begin to catch up to him. ubgeneration.com | 7
TEXT US YOUR QUESTIONS! 716-201-0436 8 | ubgeneration.com
He Says, She Says An advice column divided by the sexes, starring Catherine Prendergast and Nathan Grygier
I just realized my boyfriend poops naked. Yes, naked. He says he’s always been doing it like that. What do I do? NG: That’s really not as rare as you’d think. I remember when I was a sophomore in high school we went on a band trip to Boston. Long story short, hilarity ensued, and someone ended up opening the door on this kid when he was in the bathroom. Anyway, he was pooping completely naked, except for wearing a baseball hat. I’ve also heard of people pooping in only socks. It’s just a matter of comfort, you just kinda have to let him be. I’m sure you do something weird too, hypocrite. CP: What do you do? There’s nothing you can do. More importantly, there’s nothing you should do. Humans are creatures of habit, and although some habits may be weirder than others, they are habits nonetheless, and are nearly impossible to break. Especially this one. He may find it relaxing, enjoyable even. Pooping naked may seem strange, maybe even vulgar to you, but to him, it’s just part of the daily grind, like showering with socks on. Q : I don’t know what it is about me, but women love telling me their issues. That’s all they want to talk about, and I’m tired of it. How do I get them to talk to me about something else?! NG: You just pick the one who does this to you that you dislike the most and tell her to shut her fat mouth. Eventually word of your rude actions will travel to other females, and they won’t want to tell you their problems or anything anymore. Sure, girls won’t talk to you at all anymore, but at least you won’t have to hear about periods and boy problems and all of that jazz. CP: I feel your pain. That’s the only thing women want to talk to me about too. Sigh, it can get quite tiresome. I mean, seriously, how many issues can you have in one day? There seems to be no limit. But you are lucky you’re a guy. I mean, most girls know that guys do not really want to hear about our
concerns with our oily scalp but dry ends and how exactly we should respond to a cute boy’s text who we are trying to hook up with, word for word. Smart girls know that guys ultimately do not really care and will tone it down for them, at least. Maybe your lady friends aren’t quite as sharp and need you to once in a while be an asshole and tell them to shut up. It’ll suck for me, but it sounds like you deserve a break. If I go to New York City for a weekend and make out with a random guy, is that considered cheating, since it’s long distance? NG: Yes, that doesn’t matter. You may be at a distance at the actual time of cheating, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t returning to your boyfriend whom you have cheated on. Why do you want to make out with some rando in NYC anyway? Whats the appeal of that really, catching herpes from a stranger instead of a person you know? Yeah, it’s cheating. CP: Let’s think about this. You will be about eight hours away, which is a lot. The guy is random, you may not even know him, and more importantly, your boyfriend certainly doesn’t know who he is. You plan to make-out with this guy, not sleep with, nor engage in other more naughty activities. You will be in the city for just a weekend, not even a week. Well, this all sounds like you’re in the clear. Have fun! As a Middle Eastern guy, this is a total cultural shock to me: How come most of the American dudes seem so comfortable and confident showering all naked with a lot of other naked dudes in the showers of locker rooms (regardless of their penis size)? NG: Well my first question to you is can you shower while not being “all naked?” And second of all, you figured us out sir. There are actually no heterosexual men living in the United States at this time, and we let our true intent out in the locker rooms. We stand and shower naked basking in our true desires before we have to go back to our gross girlfriends.
People shower naked because it’s a locker room and it’s convenient, there is no ulterior motive. CP: Yeah, this is not something I am really qualified to answer. Girls are not allowed in the male locker rooms, just one thing that Women’s Rights have not yet conquered. (But we will gain equal rights one day, just you wait and see). Until the day comes when I can wander into those locker rooms just simply because it is my right to do so, I can only answer your question with speculation. Maybe American males secretly like seeing other dudes in the buff, maybe it’s a subtle way to check out their competition. Maybe American males would rather suck it up and shower publicly than walk around all sweat stained and stinky. But, alas, I wouldn’t know. I can’t pee if there’s someone else in the bathroom. I keep thinking that someone can hear me. Is this weird? NG: Well that’s not that weird, I mean it’s not very normal or common but it’s not that peculiar. I can’t chew gum and pee, I just feel like the gum will gain the flavor of pee. I know it doesn’t make any sense and there’s no reason for that belief, but still I do not chew gum when I pee. However, why couldn’t someone hear you pee? Or are you a really noisy pee-r? Do you thrash around, swing your genitals and kick your arms or something ridiculous like that? Just breathe slowly and pee, it’s the natural way.
on, some of them are pretty humorous. If you don’t believe me you should check out the guy who ran for office in Tennessee numerous times, Basil Marceaux. Just go to his website, basilmarceaux.com and tell me that the picture you are greeted with doesn’t immediately stir up a strange sense of fear, nausea and arousal. He even did a cover of America the Beautiful that you can buy on iTunes. Check him out because he’s pretty unintentionally hilarious. CP: “All” is a strong word. Yes, it is true that many are dumb and outrageous, and a huge percentage of them should not be in office. But there are always exceptions; I wont name any names, I think you know who I’m talking about…attractive man, working hard to keep this country together and united and strong…(hint: governator…) Why doesn’t Charlie Sheen just go to rehab and stop all this drama? NG: Because, rehab is for losers. If you haven’t noticed the trend, Charlie Sheen is currently #winning., and I’d have to agree with him. He made 1.9 million dollars per episode of Two And A Half Men where he essentially played himself which required no acting skill at all. Besides that, he was recently partying with and banging pornstars. Sounds like winning to me! Also, rehab is for ugly people who don’t have #adonisdna or #tigerblood. CP: Who?
CP: What is with all the bathroom weird habit questions? Pooping naked? Peeing alone? Honestly, going to the bathroom is not that big of a deal, and it should not be a major concern or thing to stress about. Nike says Just do it. I say, just pee. Who cares who else is there? You have a whole stall to yourself. Just relax, and pee, and please, do not make your bathroom experience a whole ordeal. What’s the point of politicians? They’re all @#$%ing dumb! NG: Entertainment mostly. Come GENERATION March 8,2011
Message Board
UB Mayors UB North Campus
UB South Campus
Happy Spring By Ally Balcerzak Something big is happening on March 20th, do you know what it is? No, it’s not Spring Fest, that’s in April. Guess again. Nope. Lil Wayne is over Spring break, so wrong again. March 20th is the Spring Equinox. The Equinox happens twice a year, once in Fall and once in Spring. On these days, it is sunny (well daylight at least) for twelve hours, and it’s dark for twelve hours. In ancient times, the Spring Equinox was a big deal because it signified the end of winter and the beginning of the growing season. Today, some cultures still celebrate the Equinox simply for the sake of tradition. So how is this relevant to any of us? The Spring Equinox means summer is on its way. The days will keep getting longer, warmer, and we’ll soon be free of schoolwork. With summer fast approaching, the Equinox is a good time to start planning for it. Look at it as the date that you should start finalizing those summer internship plans, planning that road trip with your friends, and figuring out where you’ll be working. But, the Equinox is also a good time to plan a celebration just like our ancestors did. Instead of celebrating the start of the growing season we can celebrate the fact that the school year is almost over and we’re so close to four months of freedom.
Student Union
Starbucks
Alumni Arena
Question
Center for the Arts
(716): why is the girl on the cover of the [last] issue have an iphone and a blackberry? defeating the purpose Aw man, you got us! We used an iPhone 3GS, instead of an iPod Touch (which is pretty much a 3GS in airplane mode). Good catch!
Commons
Dude, Come On! (716): To the group of guys that I kicked out of Lockwood 520 on Tuesday night: You guys are disgusting....you’re in college now and your mother isn’t here to clean up after you. Onions an lettuce on the beanbag chairs....seriously? it’s gross. You’re not the only ones who use this place ya know. This room has been in existence for less than 6 months and it has potential to stay somewhat nice if it weren’t for immature d*cks like you leaving your mess all over the place....
Ellicott Complex
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Buffalo Break By Ally Balcerzak As much as we all crave to go somewhere warm for Spring break, most of us can’t afford it. So for those of you stuck in Buffalo for the week, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of cheap things you can do to pass the time no matter what the weather happens to be doing.
Buffalo Museum of Science Buffalo happens to have a pretty cool science museum downtown, and it currently has a Chronicles of Narnia exhibit that is only here for a short time. Admission is only $8.00 with your UB ID, making it cheaper than a movie ticket. Hours are 10 am to 4 pm Saturday through Thursday, and 10 am to 7 pm Friday, so make sure to keep that in mind if before you head down.
See a Movie Sure movie tickets are almost $10 a piece if you splurge for a Regal theatre, not to mention how much popcorn, candy, and pop will cost you, but everyone deserves to indulge every now and then. The Oscars just ended so why not get a jump on seeing the movies that are sure to be next years contenders? Gnomeo and Juliet has been topping the box office, and has been getting great reviews. Don’t let the G rating fool you, everyone can get a good laugh out of it. Besides, what isn’t cute about gnomes doing Shakespeare?
Niagara Falls This option is definitely controlled by the weather, but if it is actually decent out, you’ll want to take a trip up to the falls. Growing up with one of the Seven Wonders of the World in your backyard tends to desensitize you to it, but for those who have never seen it, it is certainly a site you should visit before graduation. The best part? It’s free. Of course there is a ton of stuff to do right by there, but if you just want to watch water rush over a cliff, you can do it without spending a dime.
Bandits Game Kick off Spring break by going to the Bandits game on March 12th. The games are full of rowdy fans, good music, and he team is the only one in town that has brought home a championship. Tickets range from $24.00 to $34.00 depending on where you sit. Banditland is fun for everyone, even if you have no clue what lacrosse is. Spring break may only be a week, and we’ll all have a lot of homework to do probably, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun while stuck in town. Don’t spend the week sleeping and being a bum, go out and explore a little, spend some time catching up with friends. Let’s be honest here, we all know that once break is over we’ll be swamped with work until finals are over. Might as well make the most of our last chance to have some fun. 10 | ubgeneration.com
GENERATION March 8, 2011
March
Through the Ages by Catherine Prendergast
Albert Einstein born in Germany
March 14th, 1879
“My Fair Lady” Opened on Broadway
Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter” Published
Golda Meir became Prime Minister of Israel
March 15th, 1956
March 16th, 1850
March 17th, 1969
Schick, Inc. Markets First Electric Razor
March 18th, 1931
ubgeneration.com ubgeneration.com | 11| 11
course, not everything we do is for everybody, but I enjoy the diversity that is attached to a situation like that. The everchanging nature manages to keep it all quite fresh for me. What are rare in buffalo are shows that encompass memorable “edge”. Upcoming, which I’m personally looking forward to, is Lightning Bolt. It would be unfair to simply categorize them as a “band”. Maybe, for lack of a better description, it would be more fitting to mention that not only do they produce a sonically extreme situation, but equally as important is their visual representation of themselves and it’s impact on the audience. Also upcoming is Mountains, who produce dense sweeping soundscapes that are probably more akin to an intense minimalist / maximalist dream.
SOUNDlab! an interview with Michael Baumann, by Liz Flyntz I conducted this interview via email with Soundlab’s venue manager, Michael Baumann, two weeks ago. Since then, Soundlab has discontinued its ten yearlong relationship with Big Orbit Gallery, and Michael has resigned as venue manager. This interview is the last vestige of an era! Soundlab will continue presenting innovative live music, however. Check out the upcoming shows here: www.bigorbitgallery.org/soundlab/index.html Liz Flyntz: How long has Soundlab been operating? Michael Baumann: Approximately for ten years out of three locations - first starting in the [Big Orbit] gallery proper, then moving to 505 Pearl Street, and lastly to our current location. LF: What is Sound Lab’s current relationship with Big Orbit? MB: Big Orbit is the parent organization. LF: Does the Soundlab music programming allow you to break even in terms of expenses, etc. or are you dependent on Big Orbit to fill in the funding gaps? MB: Most of Soundlab’s expenditures, i.e. operating costs, are paid via revenue derived from the bar income. That being said, if it weren’t for the generosity of volunteers, Soundlab would have a tough time remaining in business. LF: How did you get involved in organizing Soundlab? How long have you been doing what you do? What’s a typical performance night like for you? What did you do before you got involved with organizing at Soundlab? MB: I have been involved with Soundlab since the beginning. It occurred as an outgrowth of several multi-disciplined events called “Murder the Word”. At the onset there were a group of people all interested in pursuing acts which all of us had to 12 | ubgeneration.com
travel in many cases, outside of the area to witness. I previously had lived in New York City as an artist, having had the opportunity to be involved with events, not unlike the type we promote at Soundlab. What I’m the most proud of, outside of having been involved with like-minded people, and developing many friendships in the process, has been the ability in playing a part in fostering some of the great talent that has come out of and currently resides in this area. LF: What are some of the highlights you can remember? Like the absolute best shows, craziest performances, weirdest events, etc.? MB: Having been to ten years of Soundlab events, it’s a little difficult to pinpoint certain shows, not that I haven’t felt there weren’t great ones, but owing to my diverse interests, I tend less to evaluate a show from a 1-10 rating system, but rather appreciate the individual nuances attached to each event. What is also fascinating to me, is that different people have perspectives on events that have taken place, which heighten or cause me to re-evaluate my feelings on the performance in question. Memorable show: what probably will never escape my memory (for better or for worse) is when Peter B., an acclaimed tech instrument “maker”, introduced a device which looked something like 2 guitars molded together into a surfboard (?). This device although was only to be “played” by very unique “musicians”. Peter B., after having retrieved two (what looked like Chinese takeout) containers, emptied the contents on to each side of the device’s prong/pickups. The ensuing sound was a result of earthworms wriggling between the prongs. I’m still a little unsure if the worms were cognizant of their musicality, but then again, I’ve been wondering if the “singing dog” I saw as a child was also aware of this aspect? LF: Any good events coming up? What do you recommend to UB students? MB: The calendar is consistently changing and each show is a treat depending on the particular audiences perspective. Of GENERATION March 8, 2011
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On the Road Again 20 Ways for Living on the Road Like a
Boss
By Steve Neilans Feel like harnessing your inner Jack Kerouac? Well get off your ass and find some people to hit the road with for Spring Break! It’s pretty cheap compared to flying, and will probably be one of the last moments of freedom in your life before the cold, cruel world decides to suck away your soul after college! Cheers! Rule 20: No Facebook – Seriously, if you have to get on Facebook to see what other people are doing while you should be having the time of your life on a road trip, I have no sympathy for you. There is nothing worse than a person in a long car ride who decides to inform the rest of the car that Sandy and Joey posted pictures of their dogs. If you can’t acknowledge how stupid the Facebook world is, you’re probably one of these people. Do not ever road trip with me. Rule 19: Clean your car beforehand – Fairly simple. It’s much easier to focus on the view outside when there isn’t an annoying piece of bubblegum sticking to the window. Rule 18: Buy beer along the way, not before – First off, I’m definitely not saying you should drink and drive. That is obviously very stupid. However, I know that most of you will be drinking over the break once you stop driving, so I offer you this bit of advice. Nothing good can happen from buying alcohol at the beginning of a road trip. The bottle of vodka will break in the trunk, and your beer will get warm. Then you’ll get pulled over and have to explain why there’s alcohol everywhere to a cop. Once you get out of jail, you’ll go back to your car and find out that the only thing you have left is nasty, old beer. So buy the booze along the way, especially if you’re a beer person. It’s a great time to try different local beers and you’ll be able to use them as mementos for the trip when it’s all said and done. I’d say to go to a grocery store in whatever town your stopping at for the night, and pick up a personal 6-pack there instead of a 30-rack before your trip began. Rule 17: 14 | ubgeneration.com
Bring your own music – If you don’t have XM or Sirius Radio in your car, you better hope to God that someone has an iPod. If someone does have an iPod, make sure they have a pretty sweet playlist of songs on it. This shouldn’t be the time where you showcase your musical prowess by introducing new music to your friends, this should be the time where you bust out a corny NSYNC song to f*cking rage out too. This is your time to jam out to the melodies of The Carpenters like Tommy Boy. Rule 16: Bring someone with AAA – In the worst case scenario, it’s good to have somebody with a AAA card or some other alternative. The person with the car doesn’t need to be the person with AAA, just as long as someone in the car has a card. If no one in the car has a card still, ask parents. If none of them don’t have a card, split some money up and save it for a disaster fund. Rule 15: Garbage bags, garbage bags, garbage bags – Yeah, it does feel a little awkward having a plastic bag in the back seat, but it helps. Food wrappers, McDonald’s bags, and vomit all fit snuggly inside this magical creation. Rule 14: Budget for 1.5x the gas you think you’ll need… – When you plan your trip using MapQuest or Google Maps or whatever, it’s going to give you the estimated travel time and miles traveled. Take the number of miles traveled and multiply by 1.5. You aren’t going to take the ultimate perfect route the whole way, so just plan on it. Super safe people may save money for double the amount of gas they need, but that’s just less money to spend on the way. 1.5 should be okay. Rule 13: And save that gas with your life – Drive slow, this isn’t a race, and if it is you’re doing your road trip completely wrong. Driving slow saves gas, prevents speeding tickets, and gives you all the time to soak up the road trip experience. Keeping your tires full of air and cutting down on the AC are also some prime ways to save gas. Rule 12: Take a piss in every state – If dogs can do it, so can we.
Rule 11: Buy snacks beforehand, in bulk – Buying food in bulk is going to save you so much money compared to buying snacks at different gas stations along the way. Try to stay away from the sugary stuff just because you’ll still be hungry an hour after eating that. Granola bars and peanuts should be good enough snacks for the ride. Rule 10: Slippers the whole way – It’s all about comfort on the road, and what is more comfortable than your favorite pair of slippers? Hell, I wear slippers to school sometimes they’re so comfortable. One of the greatest aspects of road tripping is that you don’t need to feel self-conscious in front of anyone. The people you meet on the way don’t know you, so who cares if they judge you? You may as well be comfortable the whole way. Don’t go barefoot though. You may think your feet smell normal, but they don’t. Rule 9: Protect yourself from the sun – Getting that weird forearm tan from having your hand out the window is never fun, so don’t feel weird about wearing some sunscreen even if your just in the car all day when it’s sunny out. Also, wear some sunglasses if you’re driving. UV Rays blow. Rule 8: Switch turns driving – Don’t let someone get the cool idea of being Captain Kirk on the road trip. One person shouldn’t be in charge of driving the ship the whole way. Switch at rest stops and don’t be afraid to sleep on the way so you’re not a grouch the whole time you’re awake. Rule 7: Know where your car documents are – Cops want to give you a ticket if your car says you’re from a different state. They know you aren’t going to fight the ticket in court because you won’t be around. It sucks, but you should know where your license, registration, and insurance forms are. Also make sure they are up to date. It’s better to get a ticket than to get your car towed. Rule 6: King’s Cup – Like most drinking games, King’s Cup can be GENERATION March 8, 2011
played without alcohol and is actually a pretty good game for the road. Shuffle a deck of cards and have somebody explain their variation of the rules for the game, because EVERYBODY has their own variation on Kings. If you want to add some flavor to the game, make the person who draws the last king drink a 5-Hour Energy. This game kills so much time that it’s almost unreal for a road trip. Rule 5: Bring a camera – This should be a no brainer. You’re going to want to have these pictures for a while. Don’t bother taking endless pictures of trees and mountains because those are incredibly boring. Get your friends doing really stupid things they’d regret doing if they were posted on Facebook, and then post them on Facebook when your back home. Video cameras are even better. Rule 4: You’re going because of the people, not the destination – Do NOT go on a road trip unless you know everyone in the car. The whole purpose of a road trip is to have fun with your friends and see stuff with your friends. If it were about the destination, it would be normal to drive to California by myself. It’s not about destination. Trips with people who have a friend, with a friend, with another friend can get a weird sometimes. It’s like the beginning of the Real World where nobody wants to be impolite, and by the third day people hate each other. Bring people you know and like, or people you don’t know but know you’ll like. Going on a blind road trip is a very bad idea. Rule 3: Plan on it not going to plan – At some point in the ride, one kid will see a sign for the world’s largest something and get the sudden urge to have to visit it. Don’t be too tied to your plan to not visit it. If your super organized and need plans, plan a spare day in the trip for distractions and just subtract hours spent on distractions from that imaginary fund. Rule 2: Never pay for a hotel… – This is a big one for me. You should camp in the car or at a campsite whenever possible. Paying money to sleep is ridiculous to me. Sure, you might get attacked by a homeless dude or a wolf, but those kinds of battle wounds will make for sweet stories five years from now. There are tons of free campsites to go to, and if you absolutely need to sleep at a house you can couch surf. Honestly, what road trip sounds more fun: the road trip where you stay in average hotel rooms for a week, or the road trip where you fought a homeless person and a wolf for the right to sleep? My point exactly. Rule 1: Except for one night – But the whole purpose of the last rule is to save up for this rule. Save all the money you would have spent on hotel rooms throughout the week and use it on one night. If you’re going cross-country, this is the “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” night. Think about it. You’re sitting at the poker table with bite marks from wolves and homeless people and gambling hundreds of dollars. People are going to think you’re insane. Mission accomplished! You can now go find Mike Tyson’s lion and bring home a baby. Your road trip was a success! Hopefully I shed some of my knowledge on you guys and your entire trips go smoothly. Summer is officially getting close. And whoever sends in the picture of a homeless person fighting their best friend instantly gets the cover for the next Generation.
Hit or BS
By Steve Neilans
HIT>>Charlie Sheen
The man. Train wrecks are the best form of entertainment, and Charlie Sheen is the ultimate showman. He is losing his mind, and taking control of the country at the same time. He lost his show AND his custody of his kids, and he’s doing it with such grace! Two and Half Men was never this interesting.
BS>>“Born this Way”
It’s pretty easy being this generation’s Madonna when you’re literally copying Madonna. Face it; Lady Gaga’s new single “Born this Way” is a carbon copy of Madonna’s single “Express Yourself”. If she were taking a class in college and handed in that song, she’d be expelled from school and accused of plagiarism. Instead, she makes millions of dollars off her latest single. What a world.
HIT>>Terry Pegula
If you buy a sports team in Buffalo, you become the most popular man alive in the city. Terry Pegula is winning fans over with his promises of winning a Stanley Cup. Tom Golisano did an awesome thing saving the Sabres, but he didn’t have the money to make them a consistent contender. Pegula does. The Sabres are poised to make the playoffs, and can hopefully reverse their habit of folding under pressure with a little new leadership.
BS>>Grant Storms
Grant Storms hates gay people. He doesn’t hate little boys. Storms is a conservative pastor from New Orleans known for protesting the gay-pride fest, Decadence. Last week, he was caught masturbating at a playground. His excuse? He had to pee. However, everyone knows that it’s playing with yourself after 2 jiggles, they must not teach that on Sundays.
HIT>>March Madness
The best month in sports is about to begin. March Madness is known for it’s wild upsets and Cinderella stories, and this year should prove to have its fair share. Will Syracuse win it all and give its fans even more reason to be annoying? Will UB even make the dance? Will Jimmer get laid? The anticipation is killing me.
BS>>Liam Gallagher
Messing with Thom Yorke is a very, very bad idea. The front man for Oasis recently criticized Radiohead’s new album “King of Limbs”. He stated that they aren’t as good as Oasis because their songs are stupid for mentioning thousandyear old trees. Bad idea. Radiohead is a band from the 90’s that has sustained its success; the same thing can’t be said about Gallagher’s band.
HIT>>St. Patricks Day Getting drunk all day? Hit.
BS>>Mike Huckabee
Single moms unite. During a conversation last week, Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for being pregnant out of wedlock. He claims that most single moms are poor and on welfare, and having an icon like Portman showing off her belly at the Oscars is bad business. Maybe he should stick to making sure Sarah Palin’s daughter doesn’t bang out another kid.
ubgeneration.com | 15
Best Irish Pubs in Buffalo By Kathryn Przybyla
You may be lacking red hair and freckles, but it’s no secret that on March 17th, everyone is Irish. St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Thursday this year, right in the middle of spring break. If you are saving your cash and nixing the Cancun trip for our week off in March, consider celebrating the Irish way. Buffalo has a rich history of Irish culture and delicious food complete with plenty of establishments to get your corned beef and cabbage fix. We took the time to check out these Irish pubs and restaurants around Buffalo to pass on the details to you. All of them are worth stopping by if you are getting sick and tired of dining hall food; and we know you are. Sláinte!
Darcy McGee’s Irish Pub
The Shannon Pub
A downtown spot, Darcy McGee’s is a pretty lively spot around St. Patrick’s Day. With Irish dancers, live music and a young crowd, it’s hard to miss this pub on parade day. The patio bar turns into an entertainment tent with one of the best bars on the strip.
A hometown favorite, the Shannon Pub offers one of the most entertaining and delicious nights out in the area. With a live entertainment schedule, a menu that’s entirely to-go and a kitchen that stays open until midnight, you really can’t go wrong.
Favorite Dishes: Paddy’s Bacon and Cheese Spuds – an Irish take on potato skins Deep Fried Pickles – you have to try them at least once The Ulster Fry – from Belfast (Irish sausage, bacon, potato bread, fried tomato and mushroom) Award Winning Shepherd’s Pie – fills you right up with ground beef, carrots, peas and potatoes Conor’s Own Bailey’s Irish Cheesecake – how else would the Irish do it?
Favorites Dishes: World Famous Potato Chowder – the bowl will fill you up during the winter Beef and Guinness Stew – hearty and made from fresh Dublin Guinness Bangers and Mash – you can’t go wrong with Irish sausage links & potatoes Friday Fish Fry – also offered daily and arguably one of the best during Lent Shannon Pub Poutine – a Montreal delicacy of fries, gravy, and melted cheese
Brennan’s Bowery Bar A casual spot on Transit, Brennan’s is a great bar that boasts a pretty great menu as well. Complete with “Countdown to St. Patrick’s Day” signs and Irish décor year round, the old Irish feel of this place will not disappoint. Favorite Dishes: Homemade Meatloaf – just like grandma made it Mularkey Steak Salad – sliced tenderloin served over greens , fries, and crumbly bleu cheese Irish Clam Bar – steamed or casino style they are so good for a seafood lover McBrennan’s Irish Nachos – a rainbow of chips with an overload of toppings Buffalo Bill Secor’s Combo Platter – combo of the best they have (beef on weck, wings, etc)
W.J. Morrissey’s
The Irishman Pub & Eatery The perfect little pub located in the heart of Williamsville, the Irishman (originally called Bia) has got a pretty good following with village locals. The outdoor patio in the summer months is packed on late afternoons and nights, while live music keeps patrons entertained inside during the winter. Favorite Dishes: Potato Leek Soup – the bad breath is worth the awesomeness that is this soup Reuben Pizza – appetizer take on a corned beef sandwich inspired pizza The Irishman Roast Beef – sliced beef dipped in Guinness au jus, with veggies on the side Emerald’s Eye Wrap – a vegetarian’s delight of grilled marinated veggies in a wrap Black n’ Tan Mac n’ Bangers – Irish style bangers and macaroni with Black n’ Tan cheese sauce
Located right around the corner from HSBC arena, this is the perfect post game Irish Pub. Boasting furniture and a bar crafted in Dublin, this is authentic as it gets. Stop in for post-game specials and sign up for the beer club.
Like most young adults in mid-March, you can expect to find the Generation staff partying it up in honor of St. Patrick this month. But what will set you apart from the rest when trying to woo that red haired beauty across the bar or that Colin Farrell look-a-like? Gaelic. Yes the Irish language itself. Use these phrases and sayings to really impress a significant other. Who knows... you might just get lucky.
Favorite Dishes: Irish Smoked Salmon – thinly sliced with capers, red onion and cream cheese over bread Traditional Corned Beef Dinner – slow cooked beef complete with roasted potatoes and cabbage Irish Crab Cakes – lightly fried cakes with spicy remoulade, so delicious All Day Irish Breakfast – eggs, Irish sausage, rashers, black & white pudding, with soda bread Guinness Steamed Mussels – popular across the pond, just add a pint for perfection
A pint of Guinness, please. Pionta Guinness, le do thoil (pyunta Guinness leh duh hull) Kiss me, I’m Irish! Tabhair póg dom, táim Éireannach (TOO-irr pogue dum, toyme AY-ronock) Are you drunk yet? An bhfuil tú ar meisce fós? (on will too air mesh-ka fowss?)
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Drunk ar meisce (air meshka) Cheers sláinte (sloynta) Kiss my ass! Póg mo thóin! (pogue muh ho-in) Beautiful álainn (aw-lin) I love you Gráim thú (graw-im hoo)
GENERATION March 8, 2011
A New Kind of
Missionary By Steve Neilans
Brandon Davies was the leading rebounder and primary threat in the post for this year’s Brigham Young basketball team. He was also the only player on the team to actually score. Davies was recently released from BYU basketball team for violating the infamous “honor code”. Under the code, BYU has the God-given authority to punish wrongdoings and mold sinners into model citizens. Some of the tenants make sense, like not doing crack cocaine or getting arrested, but others seem a little iffy. Davies fell in the latter category. He had premarital sex. Not rape-ish premarital sex; consensual premarital sex… with his girlfriend. And the kicker is that he didn’t even get caught, he came forward and admitted it. If he were attending Kentucky or Miami they would have given him a condo for that. Unfortunately, he chose BYU. BYU just went from a team that could win a national championship to a team that loses to unranked New Mexico by 20 points at home. Jimmer Fredette, BYU’s star player, could have scored 50 points and they still would have lost. The funny thing is that Davies proved it’s actually possible to have straight sex by screwing over a group of straight college guys while screwing a girl. Who would have thought? Davies isn’t the only athlete from BYU to fall short of living a life of the “code”. Harvey Unga, a former BYU running back, had a similar story last year.
Harvey Unga was one of the key reasons for the BYU Cougars finishing in the top 15 college football teams in 2009. He bulldozed his way to 11 touchdowns during the campaign, and had just set the new career rushing record (3,455 yards). In April of 2010, none of it mattered. He was released from the team for undisclosed violations under the school’s honor code. It should also be noted that Unga became a father in early July and was married shortly after. Pre-marital sex isn’t exactly endorsed by the Mormon Church. I’ll let you draw your own conclusion on why he was dismissed from the team about three months before the birth of his child. Now I’m guessing a lot of you are thinking its Davies’ and Unga’s own fault for going to a school with such a strict honor code. “Why the hell would you go to a school where drinking coffee and tea is a suspension-worthy offense?” I guess I don’t have a clear-cut answer, but think about it from the player’s perspective. Where else would they go? If a kid is even considering going to a deeply religious school like BYU with sky-high morals, they are probably part of a demographic (aka Mormon) with limited schooling options. Where the hell else would they go, seriously? Maybe they could go to a southern school with the “good ol’ boys” like Florida International. They even have their own baseball phenom who had a 56-game hitting streak named Garrett Wittels who
could give them the tour. However, someone better hide the fact that he had sex and was accused of raping a 17-year-old over the offseason. That would surely mean he would miss games. O wait, that’s right, they don’t suspend kids there for that. Premarital sex in Florida is way different than premarital sex anywhere else. How could I be so thick? Nevermind. In fact, maybe the only school that any Mormon kid would consider going to outside of BYU or Utah is wherever our good friend Turner Gill coaches. He has his own code of rules that any Latter Day Saint would approve of: No girls after 10 P.M. Thinking of heading to Capen around 10? Not unless you feel like running gassers in the morning. Walking down a hallway in Spaulding after a night class? Better hope Ashley has her door closed. Turner Gill agrees with Bobby Boucher’s mom; little girls are the devil. Gill took the cliché about nothing good happening after midnight, and created the even more conservative version. A perfect sounding idea for everybody on the BYU basketball team not named Brandon. Perhaps we would have won the International Bowl if curfew was set for 8 PM. I bet that would have made quite the difference. All kidding aside, a part of me truly respects the decision Davies made to come clean. It isn’t every day that a college kid follows through on his convictions. Davies didn’t say “f*ck it” (he DEFINITELY didn’t
say “f*ck it”), he followed through on something that he thought was the moral thing to do. It might have been a stupid thing to do in hindsight, but he probably felt pretty good about doing it or else he would have kept it secret. He probably feels like the biggest weight in the world was taken off his shoulders. I won’t ever criticize a guy for owning up to his mistakes. It happens. Now comes the real hard part for him; living with that decision. With all that being said, it’s hard to not be critical on a school for suspending a kid for something so small when there are kids at other school’s raping people and getting away with it. I get the fact that they are holding kids to higher standards, but come on. Higher standards shouldn’t equate to being elitist douchebags with no sympathy for horny college guys who are just trying to get some. BYU, WWJSD? I think Joseph Smith would say “let the Mormon play.” Without Davies, BYU really has no chance of winning the national championship. After such an exciting start, and a super exciting victory over San Diego State, BYU fans can now empathize with the feeling that the members of their favorite basketball team have: blue balls.
Generation’s Condom Test
By Rashid Dakhil-Rivera
Here at Generation, we care about the health of our readers. With spring break right around the corner, we know partying and sex is on everyones mind. Like with all great pleasure in life, sex comes with several consequences. Pregnancies and STD’s are the last thing anyone wants to come back with from Spring Break. To help you prevent such things, we decided to run our own unofficial tests on popular condoms and see which brands and types will give you the safest bang for the buck. Since condoms can get pricey, luckily we were able to aquire free condoms from the SBI Health Education at Hayes Annex C on South Campus and SBI Ticket Office in the Student Union. The packets come with 8 condoms of 4 varities, a lubrication gel, and some helpful information about SBI and how to proberly use a condom. We ran three simple test that we thought would be relevant: Breaking Force and Length This test helped us determine how much force is required to tear a condom and what would be the length it broke at. The test was performed by holding one end of the condom while applying weigths to the other end. (higher is better) Name
Durability This test helped us determine how long a condom would last while being repeatly stretched The test was performed by by holding one end and using a 4lb force to strech repeatedly. (higher is better) Breaking Force (lb)
Volume This test helped us determine how much volume can fit in a condom before is tears. This test was performed by filling the condom with water and weigthing the water after it tore to calculate the volume of the water. (higher is better)
Breaking Length (in) # of Pulls
Max Volume (in^3)
Trojan Regular (new)
5.75
52
8
4061
Trojan Regular (aged)
4.5
41
5
2420
LifeStyles Regular (new)
5.25
48
10
3255
LifeStyles Regular (aged)
4.5
36
5
2555
LifeStyles Ultra-Lubricated (new)
5.5
50
10
3389
LifeStyles Ultra-Lubricated (aged)
4.5
37
5
2420
LifeStyles Ultra-Sensitive (new)
4.5
49
7
3254
LifeStyles Ultra-Sensitive (old)
3
39
1
2757
The reason we compared both new and old condoms is to simulate the conditions of a condom that has been in a pocket or a wallet for a long time. Based on our tests, Trojan Regular held up when it came to force, length and volume, but the performance decreased significantly when the condom was dried up. LifeStyles Ultra-Lubricated came in second, with solid performance in force, length and beating the Trojan’s in number of repeated pulls. Once again, the simulated aging decreased the condoms performance significantly. The most worrying, and somewhat expected results came from the LifeStyles Ultra-Sensitive condoms, which after being dried, managed to break in one pull, and only withstood 3lb. of pressure. In mint condition, the Ultra-Sensitive condoms actually performed surprisingly well. From our tests, we conclude that during this spring break, new and untouched condoms will provide the best performance and safety, as expected. When it comes to brands, Trojan Regular and LifeStyles Ultra-Lubricated show best performance, while LifeStyles Ultra-Sensitive performed the worst. So when it comes time to pack your swimming trunks and tanning lotions, make sure to grab a few Trojans, a ton of lube, and remember to keep safety a top priority.
Apple reveals the iPad 2 By: Seon McDonald
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It was about a year ago that Apple revealed the first true consumer tablet device called the iPad. Despite early bickering about the device being a blown-up version of the iPhone, the iPad went on to sell 15 million devices worldwide, more than any other tablet PC ever sold. That’s quite an impressive feat in just under a year and competitors are rushing to bring a comparable tablet to the market in an attempt to delay Apple’s dominance. One year later and Apple once again leap over the competition with the second generation of the iPad, called the iPad 2. The new iPad, which now comes in two colors, black or white, features Apple’s new propriety 1GHz dual core A5 processor that provides up to twice the processing power and nine times the graphic performance of the previous generation A4 chip. Battery
life is thankfully not sacrificed as a result of the performance increase as it easily maintains 10 hours of use or a month on standby. Two cameras have been included; a 720p capable back camera and a VGA camera on the front for video call. There is also an option to output video 1080p via an optional dongle. Perhaps the most notable change in the second iteration of the iPad is how much thinner it is, even thinner than the iPhone 4. Undoubtedly a remarkable feat of engineering, the design exudes high quality with its metallic unibody construction, tapered edges and sharp IPS display. Despite the obvious improvements from the iPad 1, the prices of the new versions remain the same starting at $499 for the contract-free 16GB Wi-Fi model, up to $829 for a 3Gcapable model with 64GB of memory.
Increasing device specifications is a necessary investment to keep technology advancing and rival manufacturers on their toes, but where the iPad really needs to innovate is on the software front. Ever since the introduction of the iPhone, iOS has seen incremental updates that added new features here and there such as folders to categorize apps, fast app switching as a true multitasking alternative and the ability to change the wallpaper. However as a tablet interface, iOS falls short. There are no widgets for quick glance info such as weather or news alerts and the notification system remains archaic – presenting a popup that you must respond to when interrupted playing a game for instance. Thankfully the apps are what make the iPad so special. There are currently some 65,000 apps optimized for the screen real GENERATION March 8, 2011
estate offered by the 1024 x 768 resolution, something no other platform can currently boast about. With the new iPad, Apple is also debuting two popular OSX applications on the iPad, iMovie and Garage Band. With iMovie, you can edit videos with multi-track recording, voice-overs, overlay sound effects and splice clips together to make your own amateur films. Garage Band for iPad features instruments such as drums, synthesizers and keyboards made easy for playing and creating music with vocal recording. The shortcomings of the iPad are a way for competing manufacturers to offer something that differentiates themselves in the eyes of the consumers. One stickling fact with the iPad is its obvious and unapologetic dependence on iTunes for getting data on and off the device. It is absolutely in Apple’s favor to require that you need a computer with iTunes to fully use the iPad. It’s a walled garden, forcing users to purchase almost all content from iTunes, such as music, books, magazine and apps. Their recent announcement that any apps requiring subscription purchases from customers outside the app must provide the same or better offer inside the app. Apple gets 30% cut off all in-app sales much to the chagrin of developers who base their income on this model. Google has already responded with an alternative to developers on the Android platform providing a simple way for developers to provide subscription content to subscribers while only taking 10% compared to Apple’s brazen 30% cut. Eschewing an open approach to its platform, the iPad 2 lacks USB ports, SD card support (without a pricey dongle) and unfortunately remains tethered to iTunes. However it excels through its ease of use and top notch product build. It is no doubt the premium product in the tablet computing space. The interface is snappy, intuitive and with an abundance of apps, the iPad 2 is miles ahead other offerings. The iPad 2 will be available in stores on March 11.
Marsha Ambrosius By: Seon McDonald Brit Singer and former half of the English R&B duo “Floetry”, Marsha Ambrosius has made her solo debut with a disc of R&B songs of love, heartbreak and tragedy. If the
name doesn’t sound familiar, it may be because the songstress, who has been in the music business for over ten years, regulated herself to the sidelines, supporting other musicians. She wrote songs, sang backup or collaborated on tracks for artists like Michael Jackson, Jamie Foxx and Outkast amongst others. While Ambrosius achieved considerable mainstream success as part of the duo Floetry with fellow singer Natalie Stewart, producing a few memorable hits like “Say Yes” and “Supastar”, the duo formally separated. It would be several years before Marsha finally emerged as her own star, which illuminates across these selections of songs. Drawing on her own musical inspirations of crafting music in the studios late into the night till the dawn, Marsha who has honed her song writing skills over the years, also possesses a definite streak of sensuality that permeates the song “With You” and the title track “Late Nights and Early Mornings”. On the latter, she seductively moans “Feels like I have been waiting a lifetime to find someone that I’ll want as much as you…I wanna uh uh uh with you” while keeping the syrupy intensity on the title track, she sings “Gonna be a late night, early morning when I get you home gonna give you good love”. Holding no bars against lyrically expressing how she really feels, Marsha satires her ex-lover’s new relationship with unmasked bitterness singing “I hope that she Kim Kardashian her way up” in the cheeky revenge anthem “I hope she cheats”. The best results on the album though
comes from her dipping into the darker places for inspiration. In “Far Away” a tragic song she wrote in honor of a friend she lost to suicide, she’s elicits the listener’s emotion as she dejectedly wonders if she could have done things differently to prevent his untimely end. It is no surprise that Marsha boldly championed anti-bullying and gay rights in the music video for the song, controversially featuring a gay couple struggling to gain acceptance only to succumb to despair. Rounding out the disc is a collection of classic R&B gems from the obscure Lauren Hill penned “Lose myself” and the upbeat “I want you to stay” to the Syienceproduced and memorable “Chasing Clouds” Surprising is Marsha’s cover of Portishead’s dark and haunting “Sour Times”. It’s a hard feat to cover such an iconic song and it doesn’t quite evoke the broody feelings of the original but her vocal allure makes for a satisfying rendition. She follows with the drippy ballad “Tears” singing “I’m begging you stay with me I want you back don’t you leave me”. Closing the album is “Butterflies”, a remix of a song she wrote for Michael Jackson’s “Invincible Album”. It offers a nice change of pace on a somewhat somber, slow paced album. Overall the disc is a good indicator that Marsha Ambrosia has a decent career ahead for herself as a solo artist. While it may be a bit formulaic in terms of its sound, she’s as audacious lyrically as she’s vocally svelte, a promising precursor of what’s to come. ubgeneration.com | 19
LITERARY By: Matt Lenox Another worker lay on the floor dead, asphyxiated by the thick floury air. The other workers did not even know he was dead. They didn’t see him fall to the ground because their eyes were caked with a layer of flour, like a car windshield covered in snow. They worked blind, their hands fumbling away by instinct after years of doing this tedious work. Two cats patrolled the work area. One cat was of normal size. She was black with a white belly. The other cat was white with brown splotches and was unusually large. Thick shoulders and legs supported a three-foot long body. Workers who spotted the cat around their feet would swear one of its parents was a liger. The cat was found by his owner, the person that runs this workplace, by the ocean shore. The cat was eating a sturgeon when he noticed the factory owner, Linoleum, watching him. The cat would have gone back to his sturgeon, forgetting that this woman was watching him, had it not been for the cat he saw next to her. The cat approached the woman and her cat, sniffing. He stopped in front of them and let out a moan. Linoleum realized he wanted to join her and her cat Magenta so she led him into her car and took her home. She called the cat Kristofferson and made him an enforcer at the factory. He now sat at the feet of the worker named Asbestos. Asbestos was an intimidating man by appearance. That is, he was intimidating as long as he was wearing a sweater. He had a thick neck with two fat veins on either side. His green eyes dared you to make a wrong move in his direction. His stiff, crusty hair went down to his large broad shoulders from which hung two, pencil like arms. That is why he was intimidating as long as he wore a sweater. His arms were small from a deformity but functioned perfectly and that was why he was able to work here where he was so involved in his work, he did not notice the cat at his feet. Kristofferson pawed at Asbestos’s leg, looking to be petted. He pawed a bit hard and forced a reflex out of Asbestos that kicked him. Not appreciating being kicked as if he was a common stray, Kristofferson pounced on Asbestos and abused him. Magenta looked on indifferently, occasionally licking up something a worker dropped. Kristofferson finished his physical punishment and sat on Asbestos’s chest itching himself. A flea fell off and landed in Asbestos’s hair dry crusty hair. The hair was too disgusting for the flea even so he crawled down over Asbestos swollen eyebrow. The flea stepped on his pea like eye that peered under the bloody lump and down to his lip that was swollen to three times its normal size. The flea walked 20 | ubgeneration.com
Snotty Sleeves
along his neck veins, like a boy walks on the track of a railroad, and eventually made it to Asbestos’s pubic hair, which was actually more habitable than his head hair. This flea was quite confused and scared. The only home he ever knew on Earth was on that cat. His past home was on a beast from Mars. The flea wound up on Earth after a cruise ship crashed down in the mountains nearby. The captain was distracted by a peculiarly attractive female passenger when they crashed. The cat, which at the time was scrawny, came to the wreck and ate from the corpses. The flea used the chance and jumped onto the cat as he ate the flea’s former home. The flea was surprised by his Earth cousins so he killed them out of fear. It was easy for him as he was twice their size. He has 4 pointy legs and a pointy head with two round eyes with two more eyes laid over them. After he killed the fleas and consumed them, he bit into his new host. His bite did something to the cat. The flea didn’t know it but when it bit into the cat, some dried blood from his former alien host got into the cats blood and acted as an enzyme to spurt his growth and make him the muscular stand out he was now. The flea was getting acquainted in his new home when he noticed it jostled a bit. Kristofferson was dragging Asbestos along the factory floor and up some stairs into Linoleum’s office. Linoleum did not tolerate people not working no
matter what the reason. When Asbestos came to, he saw Linoleum looking down at him with her long lashes that rested on her yellow round flat hat situated around her brow. The shoulders of her blouse extended a foot out and had foot high cones on her shoulder. Slender black arms came out from the bottom of the cones. Kristofferson rubbed along her legs, which were under a dress with black slanted stripes against a blue background. She had a fixed smile that now opened to talk to Asbestos. “What did you do to upset Kristofferson?” Asbestos glanced at Kristofferson who was now mounting the moaning Magenta. “I don’t know” he truthfully said. “Well, regardless,” she said “I don’t care. You messed up and got your ass kicked and ruined production here. We can’t afford any loss in production here. We make individual Spaghetti strands by hand to make the best Spaghetti on the planet. One at a time, so for you to not make Spaghetti, we lose out on precious strands.” At that moment the door slammed open. Kristofferson, startled, unleashed his grip on Magenta neck to look up. It was a tall bald man with a long thin neck that had a black tie around it. His legs and arms were unusually long, so they extended well past the sleeves of his shirt and the legs of his pants. He was Stump, the owner of the Happy Pizza restaurant. Like any restaurant owner he was cheap and would not
get custom tailored clothes for his unique body. Today’s batch of strands were going to him and he needed every strand so when he came in to collect the first batch, and saw a seat empty, he was quite upset. He saw Asbestos on the ground and knew what was happening. This man was not working for one reason or another and that hurt Stump’s business because he lost out on noodles to give his customers so he was going to hurt Asbestos who was so scared he did not even feel the flea biting into his body. Stump stomped on Asbestos’s face, leaving a boot imprint. He then grabbed the tiny fingers of Asbestos’s left hand and broke them all. Stump for the first time since he arrived had a smile on his face. “This mildly brings back the happiness you took away, but not quite. You should be happy for this though. You are making me happy by taking this abuse and making others happy is what should make you happy. That is the key to everyone having a happy life. We should all live to be happy and gain joy from making others happy.” Linoleum interjected “Why is your pizza happy?” “Have you ever met a pizza that wasn’t happy?” Stump then went to jam his thumb into the eye that wasn’t swollen on Asbestos when he felt blood and fur splatter the side of his face. Everyone turned to where the mess came from and saw Magenta covered in the burst open corpse of Kristofferson. Linoleum screamed uncontrollably. Stump barely heard Asbestos’s gasps but when he turned to look at what happened to him, he gasped loud enough for everyone to hear. Asbestos’s once humorously small arms were now proportional to the rest of the body. Asbestos struggled to lift these new arms that just grew. For the first time he was normal. Tears of joy came to his eyes. He turned them this way and that, hypnotized by the pulsing veins on his hand and forearm. He was so mesmerized that he did not even feel or notice his neck enlarge as well as an effect of the fleabite. The flea’s bite caused Kristofferson to keep growing until his body could not grow anymore but still tried to anyways. The same was happening to the ecstatic Asbestos. When the veins on his neck exploded his smile did not waver because he was too overjoyed by his normal arms to notice. When life left him his smile stayed. Stump, Linoleum and Magenta were in a frozen state.
GENERATION March 8, 2011
LITERARY Ode to the New Stampede By: Catherine Prendergast
St Patty’s Day Drinkin Song By : La Belle O’Rouge
Oh hydi dydi dydi dydi day Well here’s a little diddy to celebrate St Patty’s Day tis great, it tis, to be Irish no matter what they say We know how ta laugh and party how ta hold all our bubbly green beer and when we’ve had a wee dram a whiskey we Irish know no fear Oh hydi dydi dydi dydi day We’ll slap ye on tha back shake ye hand until it aches but say somethin bad aboot our family and yer nose it tis we’ll break We Irish are great luvers tho we don’t talk about it much we’re without a doubt affectionate knowin how ta kiss and touch Oh hydi dydi dydi dydi day So join us on St Patty’s day in a special green beer toast Tis proud we are ta be Irish with bright eyes that smile the most May ye day be blessed and the pot ‘o gold may ye find Don’t say nothin bad aboot us Irish or we’ll all kick yer behind
There is a new vehicle that has been seen Driving through Flint Loop, But not always stopping. Large and white, More of a coach bus than UB’s product; An utter and complete Mystery A privileged few have accessed the interior, With all positive remarks Comfortable Smooth Clean. Yet, why must this bus be the only one of its kind? Why this one bus, That is so luxurious, So successful, Why not more? Better yet, Why not more that will stop and let us experience The thrill The joy That comes with the ride On this New Stampede? And whoever has any information Regarding this vehicle, Please, Do not hesitate to speak.
Forget it
By: AB I loved you. Loved being the key word there. Note the past tense: It means it is no longer true. You took advantage. Things could have gone differently But you didn’t support me, Not my dreams Or goals. Everyone warned me about you. I should have listened. You weren’t good enough. I didn’t know then. now.
I
do
Goodbye. Suck it.
Directions: Find the underlined words from the poem in the word search. Challenge: Use the underlined words to create your own poem and email it to ubgeneration@buffalo.edu for publication! ubgeneration.com | 21
Parting Shots Hey, can you pass me a towel?
Why some colleges are offering co-ed living options, and some students think it’s a great idea. By: Kathryn Przybyla Figuring out what to wear in the morning just got a little trickier. No one can argue with the fact that college is stressful and full of distractions. With that cute guy that sits diagonally from you in chemistry lab or that hot chick who is usually two rows down to the left in Knox 20, staying focused in class is hard enough. Going back to your dorm room or apartment for most students turns into a ritual where you can vent to roommates about the happenings of you day; spilling the details about the marketing exam you have been cramming for or getting a fresh perspective on relationships. But how many students are doing that with a member of the opposite sex? Although not a new concept by any means, the media has been highlighting the slight increase of colleges and universities that offer co-ed dorm rooms as an option to their students. According to the LA Times, as of last March, “about 50 schools in the U.S., including a few Ivy League campuses and several in California, are allowing men and women to live together.” Most recently, Rutgers University will be adding a co-ed dorm room policy where male and female students will be allowed to live in the same room. This is an effort to be more inclusive of gay students after the tragic suicide of a student last year, according to Fox Tampa Bay. Many college campuses around the country will be watching closely when it comes to the outcomes of this dorm policy. In today’s society co-ed dorms are really
Is it Worth it? By: Ally Balcerzak I recently spent $36.75 to see my favorite band play four songs while I was surrounded by kids too young to even be my siblings. But was it worth it? Every single penny. In case you’re curious, I am referring to Marianas Trench, a little known band from St. Catharines that opened for The Ready Set at Club Infinity on Febru-
not that shocking. But go back a few decades and that’s where things get interesting. In the U.S. it wasn’t until 1970 that most colleges moved away from single sex dormitories and started offering co-ed residence halls. For example, that means Wilkeson could have been all boys and Spaulding could have been all girls. Can you imagine the horror? Not only were students split up by gender, but separated by buildings as well. Most students on campus have no issues with the co-ed residence halls we have now. Taking it one step further, a good majority of students believe that offering a “co-ed dorm room” option is just as acceptable. “Colleges should absolutely offer this option for students. By now, we are all adults and can hopefully make the proper decisions for ourselves. Some students may feel that this living arrangement is preferred to them”, says Mike Alcazaren, a senior pursuing a dual degree in Aerospace and Mechanical Engineering. “To be able to mature and experience an unfamiliar living situation can help one understand the opposite gender a lot better.” Alcazaren goes on to further point out his experience of living in a co-ed situation. “This past summer, I interned in Ohio, and lived in a house with four girls for four months during the summer. I ran into little to no problems, in fact it was a good experience for us to see what it is like to live with someone of the opposite sex.” Around campus, a lot of students agree that being comfortable is of greatest priority when it comes to having a successful
roommate. In many cases, the sex of that roommate really doesn’t matter. “I currently live in an environment with two guys, and it is a very comfortable living environment for me”, says Amanda Horn, a senior Communication major. “It does not matter the sex of your roommates, but more of how much you have in common with them. I have lived in situations with girls, and my living has not been nearly as comfortable. We did not have anything in common and it made for awkward situations.” In regards to student living options, there are always going to be successes and failures. Students with platonic relationships with their roommates seem to arise from the “co-ed roommate situation” successful. But when it comes to couple’s that move in together, that is really a whole other ball game. Parents have been very local when it comes to colleges offering the co-ed living option for students. Debbie Feldman is the mother of a female student at Oberlin in Ohio. She spoke to USA Today about her daughter’s decision to dorm with a straight male friend of hers the following year. “When you have a male and female sharing such close quarters, I think it’s somewhat delusional to think there won’t be sexual tension, says Feldman. “Maybe this generation feels more comfortable walking around in their underwear. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.” The issue of sexual tension is a valid one when it comes to certain situations. Moving in with someone you may have feelings for will always be a complicated situation
no matter what circumstance. From co-ed roommates to newlywed couples, it is never as easy as it seems. Steven Powell, a senior and Civil Engineering major, believes that although most colleges should provide the option for coed dorming, those who partake should proceed with caution. “I’ve never seen a co-ed living situation succeed with straight roommates of the opposite sex. Romance and emotions enter the picture, and it always ends in a bitter and awkward living situation.” He makes a valid argument since it’s almost certain that living with someone will undoubtedly change the atmosphere of your relationship, regardless of gender. Although not an option at UB yet, lots of students are taking advantage of off-campus facilities where co-ed living situations are more common. Moving into a house near South campus or an apartment at the Villas provide opportunities for student’s seeking out this option now. Horn thinks that a co-ed living option on campus would work at UB. “This should be an option that UB looks into on a case-bycase basis. In my experience, living with guys has been one of the more enjoyable experiences of my college life. But I credit it to the fact that I knew both of the guys before I moved in. If the university gives students an option to live with same sex students first, and it doesn’t work out there should be other options.”
ary 27th, but the band isn’t relevant. How much would you spend to see your favorite band? Would you spend $20 to watch them play fewer songs than you have fingers on a single hand? Everyone is always talking about how much things are worth. Literally everything in our society has some sort of monetary value attached to it: Jamba Juice costs $5, that iPhone cost $250, tuition costs $3000. But as we’re assigning every little thing a number that must be paid to have it, we seem to forget about what can come along with that smoothie or that tuition bill. Sure, when you have a test that is bound to be nearly impossible, that $3000 may seem like a stupid thing to pay. But think back to last semester, hell, even to last
week, did you enjoy something on campus? Did you have fun with the friends you made while here? Suddenly that $3000 tuition becomes worth a lot more, but in a different sense. Things that we can emotionally attach ourselves to tend to be worth a lot more than things we don’t care about. That smoothie might be worth the ten minute wait during meal exchange, but I doubt it would be worth spending $40 bucks on because by tomorrow you wouldn’t care about it. But the chance to see your favorite athlete play in his last game ever would be worth the $100 ticket because you’d have the memory to go along with it. Think about that the next time you go to spend $50 on a new sweatshirt instead
of using the money to go home for a weekend. You may look awesome in that sweatshirt, but spending time with your family and friends will give you memories that last a lot longer than cotton. If it hasn’t been obvious up to now, I’ll just clarify it, I am glad I spent the money to see Marianas Trench play half a set. I’m glad I shoved a girl off of me just to be a foot closer to the stage, and I’m glad I walked out of the club two songs into the second band’s set. I won’t forget that show anytime soon, making it worth the money on so many levels.
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