Volume 30 Issue 11

an alternative voice since 1984

an

03

SBI

publication

Vol.

. 5 . 2 0 1 3 30

Issue:

11

ubgeneration.com

GENERATION MAGAZINE

y b a b e m w e r

b

d

ouble d n a k e d l a p get on m y l e v e l

Table of Contents

-9-

-16-

5 EIC Letter Ya drunk!

7 Agenda, Hit/BS Spring Break 2013!

8 DD adventures

Adventures in Designated Driving 9 Gamer Bartending Gaming Drinks 10 Beer Pong From Beer to Beirut 11 Drinking Ages Is the U.S. Drinking Age

Too Damn High?

15 He Said/She Said Drinking Edition 16 Home Brewing The Wide World of Brewing 18 Drunk Food Drunken Munchies 19 Best Bars Get your drink on 20 Short Story Blood in the Manholes 21 Submissions Poems from fellow students 22 Parting Shots TWI Trashed

Cover designed by Melissa Osterweil and Emily Butler, Photo taken by Dinorah Santos. Photo source from all credits goes to respective photographer. lifeinthelostworld.com (7), cupcase.com (7), www.marketingpilgrim.com (7), jatakacs.edublogs.org (7), poormans-gourmet.com (18), thenextgreatgeneration.com (10), www.a-gc.com (3), www.homebrewtalk.com (3) Generation Magazine is owned by Sub-Board I, Inc., the student service corporation at the State University of New York at Buffalo. The Sub-Board I, Inc. Board of Directors grants editorial autonomy to the editorial board of Generation. Sub-Board I, Inc. (the publisher) provides funding through mandatory student activity fees and is in no way responsible for the editorial content, editorial structure or editorial policy of the magazine.

Editorial and business offices for Generation are located in Suite 315 in the Student Union on North Campus. The telephoane numbers are (716) 645-6131 or (716) 645-2674 (FAX). Address mail c/o Room 315 Student Union University at Buffalo, Amherst, NY 14260.

Submissions to Generation Magazine should be e-mailed to ubgeneration@gmail.com by 1p.m. Tuesday, a week before each issue’s publication. This publication and its contents are the property of the students of the State University of New York at Buffalo 2011 by Generation Magazine, all rights reserved. The first 10 copies of Generation Magazine are free. Each additional copy must be approved by the editor in chief. Requests for reprints should be directed to the editor in chief. Generation Magazine neither endorses nor takes responsibility for any claims made by our advertisers. Press run 5,000. ≠≠≠

Editor’s Letter

C

ongratulations. In your hand is one of our favorite issues to write over here at Generation: the drunk issue. Throughout this issue you’ll find articles on everything from beer, to drunk food, to crazy drunken encounters. Now normally I’d write about how it took a lot of work to put this issue together and all the sacrifices made to test out different drinks for the sake of reviewing them. But let’s be honest, telling a bunch of college students they get to dedicate 24 pages and infinite web space to articles about alcohol does not make for a difficult assignment.

In fact, I think this is the easiest issue of the year to plan. When we walked into our meeting I had a list of ideas we had already come up with throughout the year, so the hardest part was deciding who would write what.

Generally we don’t pay too much attention to age during production meetings, but this issue it became necessary. After all, despite the fact that it’s common knowledge that most college students drink, whether they are of age or not, I certainly couldn’t let someone underage review different liquors or bars.

Luckily we have plenty of staff members who are of legal drinking age so we were able to carry on the tradition of providing you with an alcoholic issue. It’s always interesting to see what comes of it because we don’t have a lot of rules for the articles. Sure we’re concerned about safety, but even grammar is debatable for this issue. In fact, pretty much anything is fair game as long as it is legal and no one is driving while drunk.

In fact, drunk driving is the one thing you won’t see covered this issue because we take it so seriously. We’re all for having fun and writing about drunken indiscretions, but when those stories involve someone getting behind the wheel while intoxicated we don’t want to glorify them.

Driving while drunk is a serious offense and something that happens far too often. Oftentimes it gets glorified, with people bragging that they are “the best drunk driver around.” The last time I heard that phrase I nearly lost it. Getting behind the wheel of a car after drinking isn’t safe for you or anyone else on the road.

Now I won’t sit here and pretend I’ve never driven after a beer or two, but frankly it was stupid of me.

If you’re going to go out and drink, have a designated driver, whether they come out with you or not. One of the most important lessons I learned in college is that it’s better to deal with a cranky-from-being-woken-up

roommate than to risk driving after a night out. I’ve been on the opposite side too. I love my best friend but on more than one occasion I’ve wanted to kill him for waking me up at 3 a.m. and begging me to come find him on South. Yet no matter how many times my friends called asking for a ride, I’d always get over my frustration and go get them the next time the phone rang.

It’s possible to have fun and still be responsible. In fact, it’s possible to have fun without drinking. I know, shocker. Sometimes being the sober one at a party is the best job because you get to watch all the crazy stupid things people do while intoxicated. Then in the morning you get sit back and laugh while your friends piece together the night and realize how moronic they looked.

Generation Staff 2013 Editor in Chief Ally Balcerzak Managing Editor Keighley Farrell

It’s always interesting to see what happens when a group of people starts drinking. Sometimes it turns into a rager that could rival Project X; other times it leads to an overly emotional conversation that makes anyone listening question the participants’ mental state. Either way, at the end of the night there are entertaining stories to tell and new memories for you to look back on long after college ends.

Creative Director Melissa Osterweil

There’s nothing wrong with drinking when you go out as long as you’re safe about it. And by safe I don’t just mean having a DD, you need to keep track of how much you’re drinking as well. Consuming too much alcohol in a night can lead to a lot more than just a wicked hangover. When you drink your body becomes dehydrated and if you drink too much you can get alcohol poisoning. Trust me, you don’t want the night to end with a 4 a.m. trip to the emergency room.

Web Editor Gabrielle Gosset

Bottom line is: if you’re responsible and careful while you drink, there’s no harm in it. Sure your liver might hate you in the morning, but we’re in college. As long as you’re not getting drunk every night, it’ll be fine. Enjoy the issue everyone. I hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it.

Cheers!

Assistant Creative Director Emily Butler Photo Editor Dinorah Santos

Copy Editor Lee Auslander Associate Editors Laura Borschel Carlton Brock Paul Stephan Circulation Director Carlton Brock Business Manager Brian Kalish Ad Manager Jessica Bornes Contributing Staff Angelina Bruno Matt Benevento Patrick Collins

Ally Balcerzak

AGENDA Lips Appreciation Day, March 16th

Looking for an excuse to kiss that cute guy or girl you met at the Steer the other night? Grab some chapstick and get ready, because Lips Appreciation day is coming quick.

HIT T I H S L L BU OR

Being wasted at 3:00 p.m. on a Friday

Srsly, is anything better than this? I don’t think so. Listen, I don’t even wanna hear it. I was sposed to work on my thesis but that didn’t happen cause I had to finish articles so I had some gin and tonics. Gin and tonix. Gins and tonics? You know what I mean.

Alcohol costs money.

HIT

Most people who are me agree that alcohol is wonderful. It leads to magical mindsets and experiences. But why do I have to pay for it? The Founding Fathers said I’m endowed by my creator to the pursuit of happiness. Happiness is caused by alcohol.

Therefore, alcohol should be free. Ron Paul 2012!

BULLSHIT

Pope Drama Spring Break 2013!

I don’t mean to sound frank, but if you’re stuck in Buffalo, your spring break will pretty much suck. With cold weather still hitting the Queen City, there will be no beaches or wet T-shirt contests for you unless, you know, you’re into that.

An Italian newspaper is claiming that the Pope partially resigned because of the influence of a gay lobby within the Vatican. It makes me wonder the true intentions of the Pope’s love for Prada… hmmmm…

Kimmy K’s Broski

HIT

Kim Kardashian is no longer the Kardashian with the biggest ass. Her brother Rob has revealed an insane 40 lb weight gain that has people questioning whether or not he ate Khloe.

Infinite Blade

BULLSHIT

The 2011 iOS Game of the year is officially free. Take the time and play the story following the son of the only challenger to the God King on his quest to destroy an evil tyrant in fully rendered 3D.

Day Of Awesomeness: March 10th 2013

A day for celebrating all things awesome, and everything awesome that you, your friends, and everybody else does. EMBRACE YOUR AWESOMENESS!

Mississippi

HIT

It took until February of 2013 for this state to ratify the 13th amendment due to a “clerical issue.” There is no issue that can explain keeping slavery legal in the first place, let alone into this millennium.

BULLSHIT

Harlem Shake Fever

Though this editor was resistant at first, the Harlem Shake is proving to be one of the more hilariously absurd trends of my college career. I don’t understand it, and I don’t want to understand it. ¡Con los terroristas!

Pi Day: March 14, 2013

Get your circles ready, math folk! March 14 is pi day, because March 14 is 3/14. And pi is 3.14. Well, technically it’s 3.141592653589793238462643. But who cares? We’re all English majors anyway.

Fast Food Nation

HIT

On average, Americans get 11% of their daily calories from fast food. Apparently some people still haven’t seen Super Size Me. Eating too much fast food is not only bad for your health but bad for your wallet. Next time you’re hungry, head for the fridge instead of McDonald’s, it’ll be better in the long run.

BULLSHIT

Life With Lee

Important lessons brought to you by our favorite Long Island Jew

Article By: Carlton N. Brock The Third

T

his is not everyday advice from your favorite Long Island Jew. Instead, you are getting stories from your favorite African-American Literary Editor. Seeing as this issue has an over arching theme of alcoholic usage and Lee is busy with the feature, I figutrf I would take the time to air my opinion. If you’re drinking and get in a car make sure to have a designated driver. If you’re not drinking and you go out, do your best not to be the designated driver.

I say this whole-heartedly, make your friends show some restraint or make them walk. Unless, you’d rather have the enjoyment that I get as the resident non-drinker, and therefore, the consistent driver of my friends. It’s a great time though, cleaning vomit from the floor of your car, picking up French fries, and picking used gum off the seats. And that’s just from driving my younger siblings to soccer practice, and they are at least conscious of the mistakes they make.

My more alcohol friendly associates, however, have disappointed me time and time again. In my first experience doing this, I found myself chasing a young man down the street carrying his pants and trying to convince him to bring himself back into the car. How on Earth this young man did not get arrested, especially once he ran into a McDonald’s women’s restroom, amazes me to this day. The night became even more awkward when I had to go into the restroom to retrieve said friend. When -8-

you’re sober at three in the morning the last thing you want to do is kick in the door to a women’s stall when you’re a male.

On another occasion, I found myself being chased by a group of party throwers because a friend of mine in a drunken state decided it was the most intelligent option to urinate on the door to a house after being denied entry due to lack of funds. It quickly became an episode of drunks chasing the drunks, where our only chance of escape relied on me being able to pick my friend up off the street.

Though sometimes helping friends reaches the proverbial straw that breaks camel’s back. On one such occasion I found myself parking my car and making somebody walk home from Main Street after getting off the 33. The way I saw it at the time was this: if they can get drunk in the middle of the night, if they can throw up in the middle of the night, then they can walk home in the middle of the night. And if they couldn’t make it home, then they should have asked for me to park the car.

They made it to the Marriott and called someone else to get a ride home in the morning, while I cleaned up chunks of hotdogs and jungle juice.

More recently I’ve taken to the role of the safe ride for my friends if they are drunk and can’t drive themselves home. That’s worse than just driving home after a party. Instead, my Sunday mornings often begin at 3 a.m. with a friendly phone call

asking for a ride home from some excursion they didn’t even have the decency to pretend to invite me to. Not that I mind, I’d rather my friends got home safe than anything. But if they ask to stop at fast food on the way home, they can’t tell me at the pay window that they’re broke. Which is why the designated driver rule is if they ask for food they pay, if they don’t pay then they don’t eat.

Another example of the fun you can have when you are the designated driver is music. Driving a car with heavy metal blasting is not the experience you want after midnight in a car with your friend and three friends he made at a party. Especially when you only have one “acceptable” heavy metal song on your iPod. In the end all this leads to, is a headache and a potentially blown speaker. Save yourself some trouble; don’t let them touch the music.

If you’re sexually attracted to whomever you’re driving around, put them in the back. Don’t let them up front, you might find yourself disappointed when they admit to their own misdeeds from earlier in the evening. All it will do is lead to your own frustration and an awkward next day.

Fact is, be a good friend and help your friends whenever you can. The best way to do that is to put down the bottle and be a DD instead of your nondrinking friend.

Gaming Drinks

All video game drink ideas from www.thedrunkenmoogle.com. See website for recipes.

Article By: Gabrielle Gosset We’ve all seen them out there. The flavored alcohol that are only considered insults when given to party hosts. I’m not claiming to be any kind of bartender, but I know a bad flavor when I see one. Then again, I’m open to changing my mind to redeem some (but definitely not all) of these mixers. There can be some surprising combinations that are surprisingly delicious. So here it is: the good, the bad, and the ugly of flavored alcohol with a few video game-themed examples because it wouldn’t be my article without something about video games.

The Good:

The Bad (Made Better):

Of course there are the classic flavors that mix well with a good amount of drinks. If you’re a fan of sweet, dessert-type drinks, there’s flavors like chocolate, butterscotch, and vanilla, that can go well with a good amount of other alcohols and flavors. The “Gaige the Mecromancer” drink inspired by Borderlands 2 blends fruity flavors with white chocolate cream liqueur mixes sweet and fruity.

Flavors like bubble gum, fruit loop, Swedish fish, whipped cream...they all sound so tasty, but then you get them home, make the one drink they’re good for and have a whole rest of a bottle of the stuff that doesn’t taste right with anything else. But there’s always room for experimentation, so here’s just a few drink ideas for those almost delicious flavors:

If you’re into more fruity drinks, there’s every kind of fruit or berry you can imagine. I personally think that raspberry is the best, but there’s basically a flavor for every other fruit that has ever grown. The “Covenant” drink inspired by the Halo series blends grape and pink lemonade vodka with a few other mixers for a delicious fruity drink.

But then there are the sweet flavors that you might be afraid to pick up, and for some of them, you should be afraid. There are the flavors that don’t work well, or have very, very few uses. Flavors that are too cloyingly sweet or just don’t taste the way you expect fall into this category.

There are portal shots where one is mixed with blue curacao and one is mixed with Orangina, both rimmed in the other color of sugar of course.

Glazed Doughnut:

Some people might like this one, but for me, it just didn’t live up to the doughnut taste, so I added a little apple juice and some apple pucker to cut through the overly sweet flavor and made myself an apple fritter martini. Or you could even use that leftover frosting flavor that you probably only used once and some chocolate syrup to make an angel cream doughnut drink.

Birthday cake:

While there have been a couple brands that have actually been pretty tasty, some of them just aren’t right. For these close-but-no-cake flavors, I would recommend infusing something like whipped cream, or even real cake with the vodka to make a delicious adult dessert where the cake flavor of the vodka is complimented by the real thing. You could even make a candy corn martini for those Halloween parties with a orange juice and cream. Of course, there’s always the “Cake” drink inspired by Portal, with cake vodka, cream and sprinkles. That is, if it’s not a lie...

(and the world) know ASAP. So here it goes, the ugliest flavors.

Smoked salmon: I can’t even begin to imagine the market for this flavor. For half of a second, I tried to figure out how to make a cream cheese and lox martini and then I realized how disgusting that sounded and stopped thinking about it immediately.

Bacon:

It’s sad, but true. While I thought I would love bacon in any possible form, in any dish, this one left me disappointed. I mean, I’ve had a bacon ice cream sundae and enjoyed it. I thought not liking something bacon flavored was impossible, but when it comes to my alcoholic beverages, it just doesn’t work.

Dill pickle:

Yes, it exists. But why does it exist? Now I’ve had pickle potato chips, which was already stepping far out of the box, but those work. Pickle flavored alcohol isn’t innovative, it’s just bizarre.

The Ugly:

Then, there’s the unsalvageable, the unimaginable, the unpalatable. These flavors are so disgusting or weird that it would take a master bartender to even attempt so great a feat as to make a single drink with one of these. Of course, there might be someone out there that has made a drink worthy of praise with one of these flavors, and if you’re that person, you should let us So there are some great choices, some not so great that can be turned into something creative and fun and then there are some bottles you should just avoid indefinitely. Got any drink suggestions for flavored vodkas? Go onto our website and comment on this article!

PULSE

From Beer to Beirut Article By: Matt Benevento

H

e inhaled deeply, carefully measuring each breath.

The enemy glared back mockingly, strengthening his resolve. His heart was racing but his breath remained steady, a cool sensation rushed through his body from the stem of his brain to the tips of his fingers. He ran the numbers one more time and calculated the final trajectory.

One last breath as he squeezed the trigger, launching the decisive volley. His foe reeled back and let out a groan as the projectile connected, splattering vital fluids on the table with a satisfying plunk.

Game Over! Who’s next on the list?

Drinking games can be traced back thousands of years. In the 4th and 5th century the ancient Greeks played a game called Kottabos which involved launching residual wine and yeast at a target. 17th century England is regarded to be the birthplace of the “Yard of Ale,” a game that challenges players to consume approximately 2.5 pints of beer as fast as possible from a long thin glass with a round base.

Though some of these pastimes have died out over the centuries, their spirit lives on in an arsenal of drinking games that range from simple feats of dexterity to complex memory and mind games.

Since the game’s birth, the rules have changed and evolved dramatically. Despite formal regulations written out by organizations like the World Series of Beer Pong, the rules usually differ from place to place.

One of most controversial components of the game is the application of “fingering” and “blowing.” If the player can blow or pick the ball out of the cup before it hits the liquid the shot becomes void giving the opposing team a chance to defend their cups. In some cases this defense is reserved only for women. The World Series of Beer Pong rules state that the ball may not be touched until it is at rest negating any use of these two techniques.

The origin of the game is a subject of great debate. The genesis of beer pong stems from a similar game played with paddles on a traditional ping pong table. In fact, the name beer pong is supposed to refer exclusively to the paddle version, while the hand thrown game is supposed to be called Beirut. However the majority of players, especially college students, refer to the hand thrown game as beer pong.

-10-

The use of water cups doesn’t force players to drink from the same cups reducing the chance of spreading germs as well as speeding up the game by not having to wait for the balls to be thoroughly cleaned or water to be replaced.

Beer pong “purists” argue against this method because it makes it difficult to ensure that the opposing player drinks as much as they are supposed to.

The types of shots in beer pong can be broken into three categories. The most popular is the arc shot in which a player launches the ball gently up through the air with a smooth arcing motion. Other players employ a more direct style where the ball is thrown with considerably more force and little to no arc sometimes referred to as a “laser shot.”

The third and most debated approach is the bounce shot. Rules vary on when and where this technique can be applied. In most cases the bounce shot serves to catch the opponent off guard especially in the case where the bounce shot removes two cups from the table.

In 2013, the king of drinking games is beer pong.

Beer pong is played all over the country from dorm rooms to parking lots and is even starting to filter its way onto the international scene with people from countries like Germany and Japan taking part in beer pong tournaments.

repulsive particles found on the floor.

One of the biggest drawbacks and health concerns of the game can be found in the use of water cups. Intrinsically beer pong is often played in less than pristine conditions like basements, dorm rooms, and parking lots. These environments coupled with the inevitability that the ball will touch the ground can lead to a spread of germs and bacteria to the drinking cups.

Recently many players have adopted a new style of the game where all of the cups are filled with water and drinks are set off to the side. This technique allows the game to be played without fear of consuming hair, dust, and other

Possibly the most debated subject among the pong faithful is the use of racking or reformation. As the game unfolds the original pyramid of cups begins to lose its shape resulting in exceedingly difficult shot opportunities. To combat this, many rule sets utilize “reformation” to set the cups up in a more favorable formation.

This rule has led to an array of inventive formations like the “pentagon” and “side-boob.” The World Series of Beer Pong employs strict reformation rules that outlaw unorthodox racks.

From its humble beginnings in college dorms to the bright lights of Las Vegas casinos, beer pong has become to go to drinking game in the United States. Whether it’s fighting for a five digit grand prize or bragging rights over a rival fraternity, drinking games have never been more fun. With St. Patrick’s Day around the corner there is no better time to polish your skills and battle for ultimate pong glory.

PULSE

Is the U.S. Drinking Age High?? too

Damn

S

o it’s the drunk issue and I’m the 20-year-old on staff who can’t write about drunken experiences because I am one year shy of the US legal drinking age. If I lived in the vast majority of countries in the world who set their age at 18, I would have already been of legal drinking age for at least two years, in some countries even more. As college students, I’m sure we have all contemplated the drinking age at some point. Some follow the law and abstain, others have been drinking since high school, and many experiment with alcohol for the first time in college. Whether or not a person thinks long and hard about their decision to drink or not, the same questions arise. Is the age fair? Why does it exist and why has it changed over time? Does it really help prevent drunk driving? Exploring these questions leads to interesting conclusions.

The average drinking age throughout the world is 18. Many countries have age limits as low as 16 or none at all, so it seems strange that the U.S and a handful of other countries feel the need to raise the average age by three years. A brief history of the U.S. drinking age helps to shed light on these issues. After prohibition ended in 1933, the “age of majority,” the age at which a minor ceases to be considered a minor and takes on adult responsibilities in the eyes of the law, was considered to be 21. After the 26th amendment passed, lowering the voting age from 21 to 18 in the 1970s, many states followed suit and lowered their drinking age. The age of majority seemed to have changed and presumably if young Americans could be trusted to vote as adults then they could also be trusted to drink responsibly as adults.

The next major wave of age changes occurred in the 1980s. Calls for preventative measures against drunk driving accidents became prominent from organizations such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) and Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD). The National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1984 was soon enacted. Under this act, states were not technically required to follow the standard drinking age of 21. However, if they did not, they would have to pay a ten percent penalty out of their annual federal highway funding apportionment. After the act was passed, the state government of South Dakota attempted to sue the current Secretary

Article By: Angelina Bruno of Transportation because they believed the methods used by Congress to be unfair. They were unsuccessful and the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Congress having the right to withhold funding in pursuit of national policy.

The act was put in place because many believed the increase in drunk driving incidents was due to young Americans under the age of 21. The decrease in the number of accidents since the act is attributed to the changed drinking age but many other restrictions were placed on drunk driving during the same movement. It seems the real problem with drunk driving in the US isn’t the drinking age. Countries such as the United Kingdom and Australia have much less drunk driving related deaths and incidents despite their citizens drinking more alcohol per capita and having lower drinking ages than in the US. The smaller number of incidents may be due to more severe penalties, oftentimes involving imprisonment for a first offense. The U.S. imposes severe penalties if death or injury result from drunk driving but for first time offenders, and even repeat offenders, sentences and fines are much less strict. Preventing young adults from driving will not necessarily make up for adult repeat offenders. Those who get away with driving while intoxicated a few times will keep thinking they can until it is too late.

There are many who openly oppose 21 as the drinking age in the US. Besides the fact that it may not be the most effective tactic against drunk driving, it doesn’t seem fair. Why can 18-year-olds vote, buy porn and cigarettes, fight for their country and be drafted but not have one beer? It puts 18-year-olds who are technically adults in an awkward position. Friendships and relationships with upperclassmen, as well as possible professional relationships can be hindered due to younger students not being able to attend the same parties, bars, or clubs. The real issue is responsibility. The government dictates the age at which Americans should be considered responsible enough to drink. Responsible behavior can only be learned from a relationship based on mutual trust. Through this policy the government violates the trust of young American adults and that of state governments, implying that neither can make responsible decisions regarding alcohol.

Perhaps the federal government should reconsider.

HIRING N O I T A L U C R CI R O T C E R DI Job Gen entails e vari ration distrib ous utin M a g gaz loca ine tion to cam s ar oun pus d .

Email: ubgeneration@gmail.com

G N I R I H

ASSISTANT AD MANAGER

n o i t a c i l p Ap

O I B S n i s

1 4 3 m o o R : e c fi f

HE SAID SHE SAID noitidE gniknirD Article By: Peter Schwartz and Leslie Bernstein I like getting drunk but I don’t know how to have fun. What are some exciting drunk activities?

HS: My favorite drunk activities include: Operating machinery, being pregnant, and planning on becoming pregnant.

SS: My personal favorite activities include: saying “yes” when I really mean “no,” making inappropriate jokes, ranting about how magical women are, getting roofied, brushing my teeth, and peeing in bushes.

What is the best drinking game?

HS: My favorite drinking game is called “The Freshman Shuffle.” Here’s how you play: 1) Wear a skimpy dress and impossibly high heels, 2) Get white girl wasted in your Richmond Quad (Watch out for carbon monoxide! Too soon?), 3) Take the bus to South, 4) Spend the rest of the night telling people how cold you are.

SS: Personally, my favorite drinking game is trying to remember what I did the night before. Or Kings, Bitches love Kings.

What is it about drinking that makes you want to kiss people?

HS: Well this one time...

SS: Honestly I think it makes people the opposite of their natural orientation. I sometimes (most of the time) like to make out with gay/straight dudes.

One of my male straight friends also happens to enjoy making out with random black guys outside of club bathrooms. No homo, and certainly no hetero, you guys.

What is the most brilliant and profound thing you have ever said while intoxicated?

HS: In a taxi on the way home from a night out, I did my best MLK impression: “I have a dream that one day, black men and white men will make out outside the bathroom at a gay club.” That may or may not have come from personal experience.

I may or may not have gotten really drunk at Marcella’s and kissed a guy outside the bathroom.

SS: One time I was blackout drunk, on my way home from a club and went on a tirade about how much I love going down on women in a car full of all of my friends. I went into detail and my true highly homosexual colors were flying. Evidently, I was screaming it loudly with the windows open on the highway.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done when drunk?

HS: I’m not sure if this is the craziest thing, but it’s probably the crazy thing that I’m most proud of. After a night of drinking, one of my friends got pretty sick. To console him, I shirtlessly serenaded him on a guitar with a brash, rocking song called “Just Throw it All Up.” As you can imagine, he loved it. Or at least he followed my advice.

SS: Ok, so this one time I almost punched out an old woman in a tracksuit on the subway. To back track, I was on the subway on my way to a club with a group of my friends and I REALLY had to pee. I needed a distraction from my bladder, which came in the form of making out with one of my female friends. It became a rather intense make out session, and I happened to glance over and see an old woman scowling and shielding her eyes. I got pissed and was about to get up and

do something, but noticing my visible discomfort my friend grabbed me and just made out with me even more intensely, to spite the Old Testament bitch.

What’s the most awkward thing that has happened to you drunk?

HS: So I was doing a power hour (one shot of beer every minute for an hour). Long story short, I threw up twice, drank my sixtieth shot, and was so excited at finishing that I took all my clothes off.

And my roommate has it all on video...

SS: Once I was invited to join a threesome with a leather dude at Marcella’s who thought I was a dude. I made out with a girl who was dressed up as Daria in a handicap stall at Marcella’s on Halloween. I posed with someone who was dressed up as Hitler, and I accidently made out with a boy who I thought was a girl.

You guys are drunk right now. What drunk secrets can you reveal to me?

HS: Did you know that our Editor-in-Chief really hates when I put punctuation outside of quotation marks in my articles? She’s like, “Paul, I mean, Peter, you seriously need to cut that shit out.”

Good talk.

SS: I like this girl! So many feels! My underwear makes me feel like a superhero. I dance like a twinky gay man. I really, really like Kristen Stewart.

I’m gay.

Send your questions to ubgeneration@gmail.com!

The Wide World of

Brewing Article By: Lee Auslander

B

eer is the world’s most widely consumed alcoholic beverage. Not shocking, if you consider how influential beer culture is. There are events, awards, magazines, festivals, and even museums devoted to beer. It’s old enough to have been mentioned in the Code of Hammurabi (remember learning about that in Global History?). It’s a staple ingredient in every red-blooded American’s diet, particularly on the day of the Superbowl and other sporting events. Same with European soccer fans. Beer culture is worldwide and as evidenced by Oktoberfest, the world’s largest fair being a beer festival, it is serious.

Beer is produced by the saccharification of starch, usually malted barley, and the fermentation of the resulting sugar. Flavors are often added, normally in the form of hops, a plant that adds the bitter flavor and acts as a natural preservative.

Beer is one of the world’s oldest beverages, dating to the early Neolithic age, when cereal was first farmed. Ancient Egyptian and Mesopotamian texts mention beer brewing. Beer spread throughout Europe by Germanic and Celtic tribes, though their versions added numerous types of plants, honey, fruits or spices. In 1516, William IV, Duke of Bavaria adopted the Reinheitsgebot, known as the German beer purity law, which is the oldest known food-quality regulation. It only allowed the ingredients of water, hops and barely-malt in beer. Guess beer drinkers can be just as snobby as wine drinkers.

Home Brewing: An Experience Many people brew their own beer. I give them full credit because I could never do that regularly. I tried it once and while it was a learning experience, it was difficult.

There are many steps involved but there are numerous basic kits for beginners who have never done this before. Some people develop their skill, perfecting the art until they become expert brewers, all in the basement of their house.

One of my friends’ 21st birthday was coming up and his girlfriend, also a good friend of mine, decided to purchase him a home-brewing kit. She gave it to him early in the hope that the drink would be ready in time for midnight on his birthday. But he ended up insisting that she make it for him so that he could just hap-

-16-

pily enjoy it. Ever the good girlfriend she is, she agreed. But she begged me to help and so I did. I figured that as an awesome baker (I’ve had no complaints so far so I feel entitled to use that phrase) that it would be kind of similar…chemistry of food and all that. We also thought the process would be so easy, considering how detailed the instructions were. While it wasn’t impossible and overwhelming, it was still difficult for us, because we had no idea what we were doing. And neither of us drink beer (blasphemy, I know).

Beginners’ home brewing kits normally come with the same basic materials, but in different forms. A giant bucket similar to the one that you see in construction sites is usually where the beer sits to ferment after you make it. Sometimes there is a concentrated malt extract rather than grain. We used the extract, which it looked like maple syrup and had the consistency of it. It was a bitch to get it out of the can. Some kits provide the hops already added to the malt, but of course we had a kit where we had to add it manually. The kit should also include instructions, the first of which told us to sanitize the giant bucket. We didn’t because we were way too lazy. The bucket was brand new and we figured if we could just wash it out then it would be fine.

We heated the water to a boil and added the malt, which was difficult because of its syrupy texture. It would not leave the can. The directions were very precise in how long it should take for the water and malt to be perfectly boiled together. Unfortunately, we were way off. But that’s probably because we made the number one amateur mistake; we brewed the beer in an apartment at Flint. Probably not the best idea considering how unreliable the stovetops are. When they are that old and used that often, it is no wonder that they stop working properly and even a billion work orders cannot fix that.

When it was time to add the hops, we began to panic. The pot that we were boiling the malt and water in was in danger of overflowing and we still had some malt left in the can. We decided to put the hops in anyway because that was what the instructions told us to do. When we opened the bag, we realized that we were in way over our heads. We really didn’t even know what the hops were. We saw green pellets that either looked like bird food or leaves that someone had crushed

together to make what looked like a pill. We also didn’t anticipate that it would smell so strongly of marijuana. All we needed was a CA to come in and find what looked like a bad chemistry experiment gone wrong. We also didn’t anticipate that when we dumped them into the malt/water mixture, it would generate some sort of reaction that would make the pot overflow very quickly. Oops.

We added a few other things to the beer mixture, as the instructions told us to, ignoring that much of the hops had made its way to the stovetop rather than the mixture itself. Throwing those pellets into the giant bucket, we poured the mixture in. My friend had been panicking the entire time, hoping that she wouldn’t ruin the beer and therefore ruin her boyfriend’s birthday (She obviously just needed a drink to calm down). It took about two weeks, but luckily, he said the beer was good. He said it had a tang (don’t know what that means) and it was similar to some of the beer he’s tried abroad. Alright, points there.

Home brewing is an experience but I would encourage anyone who tries it to beware of how messy it is (and that’s pretty much a warning for those who still live at home and commute. Your mother will kill you. Or she’ll ask to taste the resulting beer. In which case, that’s cool.) Kits can be ordered online, so enjoy yourselves. Just consider yourself warned.

pm, and they’re free, so enjoy! I mean come on, that’s one of the most beautiful things a college student can hear: a free tour of a brewery.

The Ellicott Brewing Company is just another excuse to head to Ellicottville. You can buy their brews at Wegmans but why not just make a trip to learn their fine art? They have a brew school that teaches you how to brew beer as well as the history and science behind it. Then of course, you can sample! You can still try different malts and not have the exciting mess in your kitchen that comes from home brewing.

Or if you’re really lazy, have fun selecting different flavored beers at Wegmans without heading to any brewery. You can buy a mixed pack of six or just buy a full pack of different brands. They have many local brands, so that’s always a plus. Much different than buying your regular Keystone, Budweiser, and Corona at a gas station. Although if you like that, Wegmans definitely offers it. Since we don’t, my brother and I had fun picking out the most random beers from local breweries to try. Cherry flavored beer? Check. Yum.

Local Breweries/Places to Buy Beer

You can also try Premier. One of the biggest booze stores in the country is right in our backyard, so take full advantage. If American beer is not to your taste, or you just want to create a diversity party that could rival any RA program, Premier has an entire beer section that features malts from various countries.

If home brewing isn’t for you, there are many breweries to go beer tasting in the Western New York area as well as nearby in Canada. The Flying Bison Brewing Company is one such place, located on 491 Ontario Street. Their tours are available Thursdays at 5 pm, Fridays at 6 pm and Saturdays at noon and 2

The German section is, of course, my favorite but the Irish section isn’t lacking. My Australian friends would be proud to see their country represented so faithfully at Premier. Foster’s sucks, though. Don’t be fooled by their claim that it’s Australia’s favorite beer. That’s just not true, mate! Carlton Drought is way better.

Beer Festivals and Events Considering how serious the world is about beer, it is not surprising that there are multiple home brewing competitions around the globe. People bring in the beer that they have brewed and compare it. The Mount Hope Brewfest Homebrew Competition in Colorado has numerous participants every year. In 2012, a woman named Mary Ellen Dooley, won with her Chocolate Cream Stout. An interesting mix if you ask me.

For those who can’t make it to Germany for Oktoberfest, the Great American Beer Festival is a three day event in Denver, Colorado. Hosted by the Brewers Association, it’s held at around the same time as Oktoberfest (late September to early October) and brings people from all around the world to sample more than 2,000 different American beers. This American Oktoberfest brings judges to evaluate how good the products of almost 500 domestic breweries are. It’s the biggest beer festival in the US, though there are numerous other ones scattered across the country.

Though Colorado is not as far as Germany, if you really want to stay local, you can. On Saturday, April 13, at 7-10 pm, head to the Buffalo Museum of Science to learn about the science of beer. The event, called “Beerology, the Science of Tap,” allows you to sample brews from seventeen different vendors, enjoy home brewing demonstrations (ones that work better than mine), and see presentations on other beer-related topics. The webpage warns that tickets sell out fast so hurry up! It’s an educational Buffalo Oktoberfest in April! Drink up!

BuffaLove

Drunken Munchies

Article By: Ally Balcerzak

The only thing more important than water after a night of drinking is food. After downing shots and God knows what else, your body needs food to begin the recovery process; which is precisely where the drunk snack comes in. The drunken snack is an art form that has been perfected over the years and has developed its own criteria. A drunk snack must be fatty, salty, and so satisfying that the odds of it being remotely healthy are slimmer than a hair. Luckily Buffalo has a myriad of places to choose from when the bars close at 4 a.m. and you’re ready for stage two of the night.

Zonies

My favorite thing about Zonies is that they deliver until 4 a.m. So if you’re on campus or at a friend’s place close by, no one has to drive or go on a hike in the cold just obtain some food. They also let you customize your calzone into anything you want while also offering up a huge selection of options created by their corporate heads. Everything contains cheese so if you’re lactose intolerant this may not be your best option. But for the rest of us, it’ll hit the spot every time.

Mighty Taco

Jim’s Steakout

Another Buffalo staple, Jim’s is one of those things best enjoyed after midnight. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever entered Jim’s before 1 a.m. Just like any good drunk snack option, the menu is huge and fattening. Go for a chicken finger sub or a stinger, the portion sizes are good and the prices won’t break the bank. If you’re only feeling a little munchy try a “taco in a bag.” It’s a bag of Doritos with ground beef, lettuce, tomato, sour cream and taco sauce. While it doesn’t look appetizing, it’s a nice option if you don’t want something overly filling.

This Buffalo staple is my go-to place if it’s before 2 a.m. The meat is better quality than Taco Bell and they offer you the option of ground chicken for everything. Their menu also offers up size option for every appetite; they’ve got tacos, regular burritos, and huge burrito creations.

You’ll also find nachos, buffitos, and empanadas on the menu, allowing you to create a two-course meal in one stop. In true Buffalo style, Mighty also has Loganberry, so be sure to get a glass to wash everything down with.

Olympic Restaurant

U Hots

Your Kitchen

Home to “college plates”, aka the garbage plates we love and hate simultaneously. At 3 a.m. when you’re heading back from a party on South, customizing a garbage plate is standard operation. Perhaps the most difficult decisions you’ll make all night will be whether to have fries or mac salad for your base, what meat to throw on next, and just how much cheese you want melted on top. No matter what you choose, it’ll be a grease and calorie-laden mess your stomach will love at the time. Just don’t drunkenly decide to save half for breakfast; you won’t want it in the morning.

If you’re looking for a place to sit down and eat, Olympic is the perfect option. While it is a bit of a drive from campus, it’s on the way when coming back from Elmwood. Eaters will be able to find something.

Open 24 hours a day and serving breakfast all day, Olympic is one of those places that isn’t only good when drunk. Next time you’re hungover, convince last night’s DD to drive you to Olympic and you’ll be cured in no time.

Sometimes after spending money at the bar, the best place to find a snack is your own kitchen. It’s free, you don’t have to fight the masses, and can have whatever you want without being restricted to a pre-made menu. Granted, it’d probably be best to have the soberest member of the group do the cooking, but this is still my favorite option most nights. Remember to make sure whatever you make is cooked properly (no one needs food poisoning from undercooked chicken), and be sure to turn off the stove/oven/microwave when you’re done.

If you’re going to go out drinking, always remember to eat beforehand. Drinking on an empty stomach is never a good idea unless you intend on getting white girl wasted and passing out halfway through the night. When you’re ready to head home, don’t forget to down a couple glasses of water and get some food in your system. With all the late night options Buffalo has to offer, no one should go hungry.

-18-

BuffaLove

Best Bars in Buffalo

There are so many different types of bars: crow bars, gold bars, monkey bars, and candy bars, to name a few. Over the past thirty minutes, I’ve been thinking about the best bars in Buffalo. I found it hard to pick my favorites. So instead of giving you a ranking of different bars, I give you winners in specific categories.

Article By: Paul Stephan

Best Overall Bar: Founding Fathers 75 Edward Street Great for: learning random trivia, feeling smart, chillin’

Best Bar for Being a College Student: Slick Willie’s 2316 Niagara Falls Boulevard Great for: not going broke, taking YOLO to a new level

Founding Fathers is an awesome place for history buffs or anyone looking to hang out with friends in a relaxed atmosphere. It’s also located pretty close to the Metro rail line, so you don’t have to drive there.

In all, the scene at Slick Willie’s is great. It’s a good place to chill with some friends and soak up your time as a student.

Founding Fathers is by far my favorite bar in Buffalo. Its best feature is the bartender, who asks trivia questions to patrons every night.

There’s also free popcorn and nachos, which is nice. I hate having to pay for free popcorn and nachos. All along the walls are pictures of U.S. presidents, newspaper clippings, and other historical memorabilia. So feel free to soak in the historic atmosphere.

Slick Willie’s is a quintessential college bar. The place is normally packed with UB students. Drinks are cheap, making it popular for those on a tight budget. Every Thursday is Ladies’ Night, making drinks even cheaper than they normally are. There are pool tables and dart boards.

They also have a dance floor, and by “dance floor” I mean “corner of one of the rooms next to the DJ where it’s considered acceptable to dance.” Also, they have sports on TV screens, in case you want to watch Sports Center at one in the morning.

Best Bar Named After a Friedrich: Nietzsche’s 248 Allen Street Great for: talking to random cool people and being an art student

Best Bar That I’ve Never Been To: Average Joe’s 2350 Sweet Home Road Great for: flip night, BSing an article

Among the Allentown bars, Nietzsche’s takes the cake. I’m pretty sure there are no lights in the entire place, which makes me feel like I’m ordering a drink in the middle of a Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

That’s always a plus.

To clarify, I was there once. Kind of. My friends thought it would be a good idea for me to try to get in with a fake ID. So we used someone’s ID who kind of looks like me, but not really. I was not successful. But I did see the front door and saw the inside of the bar for a good ten seconds or so.

Allentown is one of the best bar scenes in the city. In case you’ve never been there, the Allentown scene is generally artsy and hipstery and a good place to go if you want to feel like an intellectual.

The actual bar area is fairly small, but that gives it a more intimate feel. The people there are great, and you’re likely to meet some pretty cool characters while chatting with people. Nietzsche’s almost always has live music, and it’s worth checking out. I highly recommend going on Saturdays. From 4:30 to 7:30, there is live Celtic music with draft specials on Guinness.

Also, Nietzsche’s wins the award for the best bathroom scribblings.

Maybe it’s the fact that the bar is named after a nineteenth century German philosopher. Maybe it’s that the patrons are just so interesting and intellectually stimulating. In any case, Nietzsche’s wins the award for best place to feel inspired while dropping your kids off at the pool.

The coveted award for “Best Bar That I’ve Never Been To” goes to Average Joe’s. As the name of the award suggests, I’ve never been there.

From my trusted sources, it sounds like Average Joe’s is a pretty good place for average Joes. Like average college students. Being named Joe is optional. It’s also the best Average Joe’s since the team that won the dodgeball tournament in the movie Dodgeball.

There are pool tables and dartboards and college students. What more could someone ask for? Although I’ve been warned, “lol no don’t dance at Average Joes.” Truer words have never been typed in a Facebook message without punctuation.

One of these days I should go to Average Joe’s. And you should too, because it sounds like a cool place.

LITERARY

Blood in the Manholes Article By: Paul Stephan

“It all happened so fast. We were just walking to the Union, talking, not really watching where we were going, honestly. Next thing I knew she was gone. Just like that.”

Dixie Normis, freshman English major, is only the latest victim of a shocking new trend overtaking the University at Buffalo: more and more students are falling into manholes.

She was just a typical UB student, but in one moment her life was changed forever.

Before Normis knew what had happened, she found herself lying unconscious in a manhole.

“I just thought to myself, ‘Wow, this must be what being unconscious feels like.’”

And stories like Dixie’s are becoming all too common.

Of the nearly 30,000 students here at UB, at least 8 of them will fall victim to manholes this month alone. That’s almost 100 students a year, and almost 1,000 students every ten years. This means that in 30 years, unless we take the necessary actions, every single one of UB’s students will be dead. In a manhole.

Many students are wondering why the university administration has not done more to stop this manhole madness. In a telephone interview with President Tripathi, he committed UB’s resources to addressing the problem, “I am fully confident that the University at Buffalo will become a world leader in, wait, what are we talking about?

Manholes? Yeah, we should probably fix that.”

Students are also taking action. Student Association official Trevor Neamis spoke to us about his plans to remedy the situation, “I will use all my powers as a douchebag to keep students from falling in manholes. Did I mention how awesome I am? I got into law school.”

Many questions remained unanswered, like “Why are manhole covers round?” A lot of students are wondering what they can do to avoid becoming victims themselves.

Experts in the field of Manhole Emergency Handling (MEH) agree that the best way to prevent manhole death and injuries is frequent hand washing. “Like I tell my own kids, wash your hands several times a day, for at least thirty seconds,” said MEH expert Ophelia Johnson.

“I was about to walk into the club like, ‘Whattup, I got a big cock,’” said Mack L. Moore, a sophomore engineering student. Holding back tears, he recounts, “And then the next thing I knew, I fell thousands of centimeters.”

Also remember not to leave valuables sitting out in your car. “That’s an invitation for disaster,” she told us.

Mack was one of the lucky ones. Many students who fall into manholes never return.

They either die on impact or are eaten by the amphibious barracudas natural to that habitat.

However, Johnson cautions that students are often overconfident in their abilities to identify potential manhole threats. “Most people say, ‘I know what a manhole looks like. I’ll just be careful.’ But the truth is they’re much trickier than you might think.”

Even those who survive often bear physical and mental scars for the rest of their lives. And the crisis is taking its toll on campus life.

She recommends going outside as little as possible. “The less you go outside, the less potential there is for catastrophe. Live off of Yings take out if you have to. It’s better than falling in a manhole.”

“I’ve gotten thirty emails from students in the past week saying they’re unable to make it to class because they fell in manholes,” said Mike Hunt, a World Civilizations professor.

Luckily for those who do fall in manholes, the UB Secure network still works several feet underground, allowing students to explain their situation to professors and loved ones. This also explains the trending Twitter hashtag #Iminamanhole.

We asked students what they thought of the unfolding manhole crisis. Some were simply shocked.

“Are you guys serious? Come on, you’re not making this stuff up? Really? Well, if

-20-

you say so, yeah, I guess this is kind of a big deal. I’ll have to watch where I step from now on. When are you guys bringing the personals back?”

What should students do if they find themselves trapped? “The biggest issue is the barracudas. They’re pretty nasty. If I were you I’d try not to get myself eaten. Just sit still and wait until the police arrive.”

According to a recent Gallup poll, people falling in manholes has surpassed UB 2020 as the issue students pretend to care about the most. The candlelight vigil for victims next Friday, however, has been cancelled so as not to encourage students to go outside. The Facebook page “Students for Manhole Justice” has been started to rally students to the cause. If 1,000 students like the page, the problem will go away, just like it did with Kony 2012.

LITERARY This weeks submissions come from junior English majors, Rachel Panepinto and Kelly Schucker.

If you would like to submit poetry or short stories that are less than 800 words please send them to genliteraryeditor@gmail.com

The Apology

“Carcinogen”

By: Rachel Panepinto

By: Kelly Schucker

Dear Science, What I forgot to say, Or to tell you, Was that Art makes The world go ‘Round.

I’m Sorry to say, It can even hit you without A single Sound. Just like Disease, and Sickness undoing Health.

Art is Silence, Art is Truth, It is Life and Death and Proof.

Proof that we Exist-We have Existed And Will.

More Proof Than any Doctor’s Room can Tell.

Everything Real is Everything Imaginative-And Everything That Exists Is Within Us Already.

Everything You Seem is All Your Dreams and All Your Power, And Self-esteem.

Your Body is You With a Watch Strapped To It. And Your Mind is

a Ticking Time Bomb.

It fills and fills With smoke until You Choke.

Time Leaves You Broke at Hand, So Remember To Stand on your Feet While You Can. Remember that Science can only Sometimes, maybe Tell, Why Religion Went to Hell.

Why the Spirit Fled from this Place, Is No Real Disgrace.

Who Wants to Live in a world of Empty Space?

Where Time and Distance Cannot be Replaced.

There Was a Was, There Is and Is, And there will still be a, To Be. There are Mountains to Be Moved and Seas to See. For All of Us, For You and Me. So See Science, We Aren’t That Different You and Me. Best Wishes.

What if we learned that laughter is the ultimate carcinogen?

Would we stop smiling?

Would we rebuke happiness?

The faithful facet of my soul wants desperately to believe I would hear laughter’s harmony from the masses around me grow to a glorious crescendo.

Maybe we would all bare the label “Suicidal” with pride.

If laughter were a carcinogen some people would become absolutely terrified to live.

(But what’s new?)

Perhaps some of us would be brave and laugh without inhibition because we realize that our new discovery liberates us in ways we never before fathomed.

Every fear that has ever plagued us will die out when we ourselves are dying.

It is when our bodies begin to deteriorate, that our souls are enabled to truly thrive.

Materialistic desires fade away when we realize you can’t text from your coffin, because, darling, there is no cell signal six feet under.

But you can bring your imagination and your desire to laugh without reason With you.

As my body grows cold I will wonder if, under the most optimistic conditions, I can turn my paralyzed blood into coffee.

(I bet I will, some day.

I shall maintain my faith.)

Maybe in the afterlife, assuming it exists, I will meet Hitler and ask him the questions that ferment in my mind.

I guess one ever told him: life is too short to harbor animosity.

Maybe I’ll haunt the earth and try to convince rainbows to float upside down, so they look less like colorful frowns, and more like fluorescent smiles of hope.

My goal is to provoke my own cancer because that would mean I am as happy as physically possible.

My goal is absolute euphoria.

I will fill my iPod with songs from Pocahontas and Hercules because I want to believe (animals can talk) in the impossible.

I want to believe in the healing powers of laughter, even if it is the ultimate carcinogen, because embracing the paradoxes of life allows for true contentment.

PARTING SHOTS TWI Texting While Intoxicated

Article By: Carlton N. Brock The Third

“Oh my GoOOOoooooodddddddddd I am sooooo drunk!”

unbecoming. And in the end it makes you look more desperate than anything.

We’ve all read it before, the drunk text.

That polite reminder that your friends are complete morons when intoxicated. Those 2 am conversations in which you take the role of a Catholic priest holding a digital confession. Except, I’m not a Catholic priest.

Fellas, that doesn’t excuse you either. I don’t want a catalog of everything you drank earlier in the evening, and then an explanation of how you’re surprised you drank so much. Nor do I want to hear you talking about how you think I should have come out, when it’s finals week.

No, I’m an irritated human being who is now forced to read your incessant works of fiction. Especially when you consider that most people who drunk text me are more associates than friends. And even when my friends do it, it’s more an inconvenience than anything.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bring your phone out when you go on an adventure, but perhaps you should think about who you’re speaking to. There are much better things you could be doing than texting your ex at 3 am and saying you miss him, and on one occasion proposing marriage. It’s rather

Though drunk texts can sometimes be funny.

For example, when I get texts from a pair of friends that are at the same place leading to the following conversations.

Guy: I’m at so and so’s party, Girl is here, she’s hot.

Girl: I’m at this party, it’s lame and Guy keeps looking at me.

Guy: I’m gonna make a move.

Girl: Crap, he’s coming here.

Me: Five bucks says he makes a move.

Girl: No he won’t. We’re just friends.

Me: Take the bet then.

Girl: Fine.

Guy: Crap she turned me down.

Me: Better luck next time.

This was pleasant. I got a laugh, they embarrassed themselves, and the next day I got five dollars. I wish this happened more than forty times in my life.

No, instead my friends text me drunk, looking to be cheered up over some of their more moronic occurrences. For those of you that are always the texter and never the person mitigating the problem, it is impossible to cheer up a drunken person. It’s a waste of time. Don’t text while drunk and sad.

Again, I’m not asking you to stop texting while drunk. I’m just asking you to be smart about it. If you’re not a good friend of mine, I will laugh at your text. If you’re an ex of mine, just don’t text me while drunk. Ever. It won’t end well. And if you’re upset, don’t text anyone.

Ain’t nobody got time for that. As a matter of fact, leave your phones at home.

From Class to Trashed: Changing Tides in Malt Liquor

Article By: Patrick Collins

-22-

In the 1950s, the most popular malt liquor came in 8oz cans and was marketed to middle class white people. Then, Country Club Malt Liquor, with its tiny cans and ads full of Leave it to Beaver-esque characters, dominated the market. Decades before Biggie Smalls would rap in a commercial for St. Ides, magazine pages of the 1950’s donned illustrations of be-sweatered white guys sipping Country Club Malt.

This combination of cheapness and strength is achieved by tampering with the traditional brewing process. By adding larger amounts of sugar and stronger strains of yeast than normally used in brewing, brewers of malt liquor are able to increase the level of fermentation, thereby increasing the alcohol content of the brew. It is commonly accepted that this process is a trade-off; it sacrifices flavor for strength.

The first malt liquor advertisements were deceiving. They were marketing what was low-grade beer in way to make it look classy. Another early Malt Liquor company, Champale, for instance, marketed their product as an affordable alternative to champagne. The consistent pitch of these early ads was that this product was a step above, rather than a step below, your average beer. Obviously, this was far from the truth.

Knowing as they must have the appealing qualities of their product, namely its strength and affordability, it is curious that the early malt liquor companies pursued the ad campaigns they did. Why did they opt for this upscale advertising approach?

Malt liquor’s inherent appeal is that it is strong and inexpensive, not, despite what the early advertisements claimed, that it is some type of gourmet brew.

It might have just been a sign of the times, wanting to keep their ads high-brow and not wanting to tout the fact their brew would get you drunk on the cheap. Or it might have been because such advertising on the grounds of strength might actually be in violation of federal law.

Title 27 of the Code of Federal Regulations, the part of the regulations dealing with

alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, has a subsection pertaining to the labeling of malt beverages. Basically, this law prohibits labeling Malt Liquor containers in a way that communicates to the consumer: “Hey, this stuff has a whole bunch of booze and will get you all messed up if you drink it.”

Later Malt Liquor producers, such as Colt 45 and Schlitz, would skirt the law with their labels, using images that rather obviously communicated the product’s high alcohol content. But, the old school producers like Country Club and Champale would stick their guns, adhering to their “elegant” beer campaigns, and ultimately would die out as a result.

Malt liquor is not elegant. It’s cheap and it gets you drunk and it doesn’t taste that great. Colt 45 and Schlitz knew this and worked with it, and were clever enough in their labeling and advertising to avoid federal prosecution. Country Club and the other early malt liquor producers hung onto their champagne fantasies, and went the way of so many empty 40 bottles, discarded and forgotten on the curb.