Volume 30 Issue 4

an alternative voice since 1984

an

SBI

publication

10 . 16 . 2 0 1 2 pla wash dee e n a p s a Deepw

Hopped Up What’s Your Name?

Get Scurred!

Vol.

30

Issue:

4

ubgeneration.com

Under My Skin

GENERATION MAGAZINE

blah!

2!

01 2 e n i az g a M ion

at r e n e G

CONTENTS -13-

-20-

EIC Letter 5

A letter from the editor Agenda, Hit/BS 7

Bacon shortage Good First Date 8

Dating and Train Wrecks Fall Beer 9 A Society of Cheats 10

Cheating in school Jobs 2012 11

“Long live Jobs” He Said/She Said 15

Sweet Tooth Prick Me Baby One More Time 16

Professional piercings at CowPok A Hauntingly Good Time 18

Frightworld 2012 Looper Review 19 Upcoming concerts

What’s new?

Psycho Sim Story 20

A Stimulated Tragedy Applying to Re-enter 21

“So you decided to come back?”

Parting Shots 22

Paper Tigers

Do Work Son!

Cover designed by Melissa Osterweil and Emily Butler, photo source from http://willblogforfood.typepad.com/, http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aUCE4gb5-6k/TVWWvVil_SI/AAAAAAAAIoI/W7pWVpRUxaE/s1600/ body_corset_piercing_3_gippo.jpg, all credits goes to respective photographer.

Generation Magazine is owned by Sub-Board I, Inc., the student service corporation at the State University of New York at Buffalo. The Sub-Board I, Inc. Board of Directors grants editorial autonomy to the editorial board of Generation. Sub-Board I, Inc. (the publisher) provides funding through mandatory student activity fees and is in no way responsible for the editorial content, editorial structure or editorial policy of the magazine.

Editorial and business offices for Generation are located in Suite 315 in the Student Union on North Campus. The telephone numbers are (716) 645-6131 or (716) 645-2674 (FAX). Address mail c/o Room 315 Student Union University at Buffalo, Amherst, NY 14260.

Submissions to Generation Magazine should be e-mailed to ubgeneration@gmail.com by 1p.m. Tuesday, a week before each issue’s publication. This publication and its contents are the property of the students of the State University of New York at Buffalo 2011 by Generation Magazine, all rights reserved. The first 10 copies of Generation Magazine are free. Each additional copy must be approved by the editor in chief.

Requests for reprints should be directed to the editor in chief. Generation Magazine neither endorses nor takes responsibility for any claims made by our advertisers. Press run 5,000. ≠≠≠

Editor’s Letter T

hose who know me will tell you that when it comes to fashion, I generally don’t care what the trend is; I’d rather be comfortable. In fact, if it wasn’t for my gay best friend, there is a strong possibility that I would never even know when there was a new fashion craze about to invade.

But there are two trends I am fully aware of and have a strong opinion on: Ugg boots and spandex as pants.

Now before anyone starts running for the Generation office demanding my head on a platter, let’s take a moment to really think about this fashion disaster that is so popular on campus. We’ll start with Ugg boots. I have never heard a guy say he actually likes the expensive sheep fur lined things. Personally, I don’t base my clothing/footwear decisions on a male’s preference, but I think the sex’s general hatred of Ugg boots should be taken into account simply because it may mean more girls decide to ditch them.

I’ll be honest, I have never owned Uggs, but I have tried them on thanks to a few forceful friends who said I couldn’t hate on them without trying them. After spending ten minutes wearing my friend’s boots two winters ago, I was dying of heat. Mind you, I took those boots for a spin outside in the middle of January in an attempt to see if they were as warm as everyone claims. So on that front I have to agree with Ugg supporters, they are warm. But they are just too warm. If I were to wear those to class I would probably start sweating five minutes in. I suppose on the trek from my car to a building they’d be nice, but other then that they’d make me uncomfortable.

When it comes to spandex as pants, I should clarify that position. I don’t have an issue with yoga pants, usually. My real disdain is for leggings. I touched on this slightly in my last Editor’s Letter, but I feel it is important to really articulate my hatred for the things. It is so strong that the first thing I said to my Little last year was, “Leggings as pants should be worn no more than once a week and you are not allowed to wear leggings and Uggs to any fraternity events.” Mind you I was just trying to scare her a bit as a joke and never actually enforced it, but I’m pretty sure Sam thought I was the worlds biggest b!t@# for at least a month (luckily now we can laugh about it).

The fact of the matter is leggings are closer to tights than pants. If I snag my pants on something, there usually isn’t a hole that will continue to grow every time I move. But if you snag leggings on even the tiniest of things, bam! Now there’s a hole and you have to go spend $25 on a new pair of thin fabric masquerading as acceptable bottoms to be worn in public. At least if you were wearing tights they’d be cheaper to replace.

Again, I’ve tried the leggings as pants thing, just so my rants would have merit. I wore jeggings (which I’m told are the same as leggings, I could be wrong) out one night with friends and wound up feeling awkward and cold the whole time. It felt like I was walking around in the Under Armor spandex I used to wear under my shorts at the beginning of lacrosse season, except these ones didn’t keep me warm. I was so happy to get those jeggings off that night that I haven’t worn them since.

In my book the only thing worse than leggings and Uggs on their own is wearing them together. What is the point of wearing skintight “pants” with chunky boots? Honestly, it doesn’t make your legs look smaller, if anything it magnifies everything above the knee. I’ve heard the argument that it’s comfortable and the Uggs make up for the chilliness of leggings, but I’m not convinced. How can boots keep your entire leg warm if the fabric protecting you from the elements is incredibly thin? If anyone would like to show me scientific data proving that it’s possible, I’d be happy to consider changing my opinion. But until then, I’m sticking with the “not possible” theory and continuing to boycott both.

STAFF Editor in Chief Ally Balcerzak Managing Editor Keighley Farrell Creative Director Melissa Osterweil Assistant Creative Director Emily Butler Photo Editor Dinorah Santos Web Editor Gabrielle Gosset Copy Editor Lee Auslander

Better bust out the North Face…

Associate Editors Laura Borschel Carlton Brock Paul Stephan Circulation Director Dan Warne

Ally Balcerzak

Business Manager Brian Kalish Ad Manager Jessica Bornes

AGENDA HITLSHIT OR

L U B T I H

Banning Gay Conversion Therapy

California became the first state in the nation to ban gay conversion therapy. This therapy, sometimes called “pray away the gay”, rests on the idea that homosexuality can be cured through therapy. If this sounds like religious non-scientific nonsense, you’re right. Props to our West Coast brethren.

Homecoming and Parents Weekend: October 19-21

The weekend of intense school spirit is upon us once again. Not only will campus be full of students wearing royal blue and white, but our parents will be here as well. Nows the time to show mom and dad how much you love UB so they’ll give you some extra dining dollars to get through the second half of the semester.

Flip-Flopping

B.S.

During the first presidential debate, Republican candidate Mitt Romney took positions totally contrary to what he said in the primary. Contrary to previous statements, Romney claimed he won’t cut taxes from the rich, he supports government regulation, and he even likes parts of Obamacare. Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?

T I H

Bacon Shortage Pork production is expected to decline this year due to droughts, leading some to predict a

B.S.

worldwide bacon shortage. People on the Internet are panicking. Suck it up. Bacon is horrible for you, it’s horrible for the planet, and it doesn’t even taste that good. So get over your firstworld problems and find something else to eat.

Hulk Hogan Sex Tape

You heard right. A sex tape featuring professional wrestler and reality show star Hulk Hogan was recently leaked. Just let that idea soak in for a minute. Hogan’s lawyers are threatening to sue if it’s not taken down, so hopefully we can all be spared soon.

T I H

Sandusky sentenced to 30-60 years Pumpkin Carving: all of October

Halloween is coming up fast which means it’s time to go pick a pumpkin and carve it. You can do the easy thing and pick one up at Wegmans or make a day of it and venture out to one of the many pumpkin patches in the area. If you have the time, grab a few friends and head out to Becker Farms. A local favorite, they have acres of pumpkins to choose from along with hay rides, a winery, and the best cookies you’ll ever try.

We all watched as the investigation and then trial of Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State football coach, unfolded on national TV. It was one of those cases where the defense really had no shot at convincing a jury that their client was innocent. Since Sandusky is already 68, the 30-60 year sentence imposed by Judge John Cleland (who ironically shares his name with an 18th century author who wrote a famous novel about sex) pretty much guarantees the coach will be in prison for the rest of his life. Good riddance Sandusky!

Kobe’s New Shoes

B.S.

At this point we’re all used to celebrities wearing some stupid things out in public. The newest stupid wardrobe choice comes from Kobe Bryant, and ultimately Nike. In a recent Lakers exhibition game, Kobe was wearing new sneakers that Nike are calling “Snake Pools.” What are “Snake Pools” you ask? Apparently they are a pair of sneakers in Lakers colors where one is yellow and the other purple. What that has to do with a snake is anyone’s guess. Different colored socks we can live with, but sneakers? That’s pushing it a bit too far.

T I H

Living Big Bird

When Mitt Romney decided it was ok to publicly announce that he would cut funding to PBS as a way to balance the federal budget, we did a double take. Romney basically wants to kill Sesame Street in order to balance the federal budget, because PBS receives soooo much money from the government. We’ve got news for you Romney, trying to kill our childhood is not how you get the college vote. You’re already in an uphill battle for us since Obama killed Osama. Here’s a tip, if you’re going to kill off something in an attempt to balance the budget and capture our demographic, make sure we actually want it gone in the first place. ALL HAIL BIG BIRD!

Tattooing a Kid

Mole Day: October 23, 6:02

This celebration commemorates every chemistry teacher’s favorite concept, the mole. A mole of a substance is equal to 6.02 * 10^23, or 602,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms or molecules or whatever.

It’s really important in chemistry. And it’s an excuse to have a party.

B.S.

A North Carolina mom was recently arrested for tattooing a heart on her eleven year-old daughter’s arm. Now, tattoos are common in society today and here at Generation we’ve got quite a few (and shocker, we’re all fully functioning members of society, but we digress). While we see nothing wrong with tattoos or piercings, we do have an issue with parents tattooing their own children, or allowing it before they even hit puberty. Fourteen states do not allow children under 18 to get a tattoo, even with parental permission, and for good reason. What might seem cool when you’re a teenager could actually hurt your job prospects later in life. By all means, if you are of age and have given it some thought, go for the tat. Just don’t bring along your 15 year-old brother and let him get one too.

-7-

Dating and Train Wrecks: They Have a lot in Common Article By: Lee Auslander

F

irst dates are painful. And I say physically painful because I mean it. Sure, sometimes they go well and then progress into a second date, then an umpteenth date and into holy shit, are we official? But, ugh. that almost sounds like dating can be molded into this formulaic model of x number of dates equals a relationship. Which is, of course, not necessarily true. I may have just killed the romantic ideal, but I suppose I don’t really care.

Neither does a certain Generation Editor in Chief, who last year told a certain 18th century literature class that dating is like prostitution. Well, I guess so because who doesn’t want a pretty Tiffany ring in that gorgeous signature blue box?

I was once asked to a movie by what I thought was my friend. He asked me if I would be interested because he knew that my favorite director directed the movie we were going to see. And yes, it is Tim Burton. If you feel the need to judge me right now, I don’t give a shit.

If you agree that he’s awesome, then I think you’re awesome.

Anyway, the way he asked me made me feel like something was up. But, who am I to pass up the chance to see Tim Burton’s latest cinematic masterpiece? I accepted and it was no different as any of the other times I had gone to the movies with this friend. But, after the movie, right before I was going to head back my humble adobe in Ellicott, I got a tongue in my mouth. And no, I don’t mean my tongue was in my mouth. I mean this guy attacked my face with his sorry excuse for a kiss.

Sure, call me a bitch for making fun of this kid’s kissing skills, but that’s the thing.

I wouldn’t exactly call it a skill if you were pushing your tongue into someone’s mouth like a seizing snake. And the best part is: I did not even know we were on a date. Call me a bitch again for friend zoning him, but how was I supposed to know we were going on a date rather than hanging out as friends (as we usually did) when he didn’t specify? He didn’t talk to me for a few days after that, but in the end I’m the one who had to recover from the emotional trauma of being attacked by his ‘kiss.’

It obviously could have been worse. I know it. I’ve heard wonderful stories about people finding out their date has the most bizarre fetish, is a felon, or that they are related. Ew. Or for same-sex couples, it could be especially awkward to find out that you share an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Well, at least you’ll have something to complain and bitch about on your first date. Seems a bit catty, but if

-8-

they were hell then just go for it. Being a college student, my female friends often complain about how their dates expect them to have sex on the first date, or sometimes the sex precedes the first date. To each his own, really, but at least the guys are upfront about that, right?

I worked at a mall on the Queens border the summer after my freshman year. What does my job have to do with first dates? Nothing really, except when you have someone on a mission to get her son that date. My work uniform consisted of wearing a long skirt and with my job’s required apron over it; I was dressed pretty modestly. Definitely not what a classy lady wears on her Saturday night at the Steer. An Orthodox Jewish woman came in with her husband speaking Hebrew. I am fluent, so when she said something funny, I was able to understand her and laugh. She eyed me, realizing that I understood her. She attacked. How do I know Hebrew? Am I Jewish? Are my parents Israeli? Where are they from?

The questions shot out of her mouth faster than bullets. I answered them all and after each one she seemed satisfied. Finally, she asked the question of doom; “How old are you?” At the time I was nineteen, so I told her so. A fanatic grin swept across her face. Seriously, she could put the Cheshire Cat to shame with the complete insanity in this smile. She told me she had a son my age. Great. She left the store and then about 20 minutes later, a tall, gangly and awkward teen entered. He eyed me and inspected me like a piece of freshly cut lox on a cream cheese bagel. When I looked up, I saw the woman from before pointing at him and mouthing, “That’s my son!” She then motioned for us to start talking.

My point with this lovely story is to imagine being set up on a blind date with this guy. Yeah, exactly.

Blind dates are bound to be an utter disaster, because do you really trust the person who set you up?

Not necessarily. But sometimes the person you were set up with isn’t the awkward part. What if the waiter at the restaurant you are at is your ex-boyfriend? Yeah, that’s not just from a movie. It has actually happened to my friend.

First dates can be awkward but there should always a way to make it better if it really sucks (other than taking a quick shot of vodka). And if not, just leave and save the story for a cocktail party. Though, if your first date is at a frat party, I can’t help you.

Fall Beer Guide Article By: Ally Balcerzak

O

nce upon a time, if someone mentioned fall and beer in the same sentence, they were referring to the classic German beer festival, Oktoberfest. The festival was first held in Munich, Germany back in 1810. It is still held today, attracting thousands of visitors each year for 16 days of beer-filled debauchery.

Movies have been made about it (Beerfest anyone?), stories have been written about it, and cities across the globe have tried to copy it.

The first thing you should do when choosing a fall beer is determine what kind of flavors you’re looking to get from it. Fall is a broad term that brings about every flavor from cinnamon to leaves to pumpkin. Brewers combine anything and everything they think can be associated with fall in hopes of creating a brew that people will talk about all year.

Choosing a fall brew can be difficult. Walking through the beer aisle of any grocery store can be down right daunting if you’re not sure where to start. Before you head out, do some research on the seasonal options from your favorite breweries (or your friends if you have none), and make a list of the qualities you want in the beer.

As exciting as a beer festival is, it only lasts two weeks. Oktoberfest ends long before we are ready to part with autumn, which is where fall beer comes in. Every year when fall rolls around, we are blessed with a myriad of autumnal beers from breweries both local and national. Seasonal brews have become common among brewers, providing beer drinkers with numerous variations as the seasons change.

The most important thing to decide is whether you want your beer to have pumpkin in it or not since it is one of the more common fall ingredients. After that, determine how much hops you like in your beer and use that to help you narrow down your choices. At that point you’ll (hopefully) have the aisle narrowed down to a handful of options. How you make your final decision is up to you; I’ve seen people use every criteria from most attractive design to price. Once you decide, head straight home and enjoy it cold.

Walk into any bar from September to November and you’ll find yourself facing a slew of fall brews (if you go to the right bar at least). With so many options, how are we supposed to find a beer to cozy up with for the autumn season? It actually isn’t as difficult as it may sound; you just need to know where to start.

Sam Adams Oktoberfest

Brooklyn Oktoberfest

Perhaps the most popular of seasonal beers, Sam Adams’ Oktoberfest is a blend of caramel, toffee and bitter hops. The combination creates a strong but not overbearing taste that sits on the tongue just long enough after the beer is gone. However, there are variations from year to year, and this year’s batch seems to fall a little to the hoppy side in comparison to last year.

Brewed using German hops, this fall beer comes close to the classic Oktoberfest brew. With notes of honey, malt, and oddly enough, toast, the amber color rounds out the beer to give it a complete flavor that isn’t overpowering.

Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale

Shocktop Pumpkin Wheat

A popular wheat beer, this seasonal brew is blended with notes of pumpkin and allspice. The beer goes down smooth in typical Blue Moon style, with the pumpkin lingering and creating a nice aftertaste. As far as big name pumpkin beers go, this is a nice, consistent one that you can count on year after year.

This one is a first for Shocktop, they’ve never come out with a seasonal brew until now. The wheat beer has a subtle hint of pumpkin that allows you to still taste the Shocktop we’ve grown to love while getting a bit more of an autumn feel. It’s too soon to know if they’ll keep the brew consistent from year to year, but for now this is one of my favorites for the season.

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

Woodchuck Hard Cider - Fall

This is a brown ale mixed with pumpkin and brown sugar. Dogfish makes numerous craft brews but this one can be a bit overpowering at times. The aftertaste loses the pumpkin notes rather quickly, leaving a somewhat burnt brown sugar taste in its wake. If you prefer stronger beers, this is a nice pumpkin choice for you.

Fall doesn’t just mean fall beers, hard cider makers also jump into the mix. Woodchuck’s fall recipe brings cinnamon and nutmeg into their standard mix, making the cider smell like fall in a bottle. The aftertaste can taste a bit too much like leaves for my liking, but once in a while it’s a nice variation from typical fall drinks.

-9-

PULSE

A Society of Cheats

D

uring a recent exam, I noticed that the person next to me was cheating.

The guy was discreetly using his Smartphone, and I’m pretty sure he was Googling the questions and definitions on the test.

I didn’t want to make a scene, but I also wasn’t going to sit by and let this happen right in front of me, so I elbowed him and whispered, “Put it away.”

Article By: Paul Stephan have made cheating in school a good deal easier. (It’s also made another kind of cheating easier, but that’s another discussion.) But the problem is not that we haven’t been given “strong, repetitive messages.” We have. The problem is that those messages tell us to cheat.

The mantra we’ve been ingesting since birth goes something like this: Get a job, one that pays a handsome salary. You’re going to school so that you can get that good job.

to be quite popular. One is “learning for the sake of learning.” While the notion sounds romantic, being able to and wanting to learn are important traits for anyone going out into the real world.

One can also view higher education’s main task as preparing students to be informed and active citizens. This was a big idea in the eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries. You would go to a university (if you were white, male, and wealthy, of course) to be-

So what’s going on here? The New York Times tried to answer that question in a September 7 article. According to experts, “Cheating has become easier and more widely tolerated, and both schools and parents have failed to give students strong, repetitive messages about what is allowed and what is prohibited.”

I agree that the internet and phones

-10-

And this paradigm justifies cheating.

The Educational Testing Service reports that the most popular majors in which college students cheat are business and engineering, two fields of study that we associate with being able to land a good job. I don’t think this is a coincidence.

Some might say that, even if college is just job preparation, those who cheat are cheating themselves, because they’re not learning what they should. I said a variant of this to the guy I was sitting next to during the test. But this argument assumes that schools are actually teaching a whole lot of worthwhile skills. On the contrary, we know that people tend to learn many skills on the job and in internships. If you’re going to college just to get a job, and if you’re going to pick up important skills outside the classroom anyway, then there’s no reason not to beg, borrow, and steal your way to a degree.

I guess he didn’t really want to do that, so he whispered back in response, “What does it matter?” I said something about how if he cheats, he’s not going to learn anything. But the more I thought about it, the less satisfied I was with that answer.

Cheating is pretty common, not just at UB but in colleges, high schools, and middle schools around the country. Recently, widespread cheating has been uncovered at Stuyvesant High School in Manhattan and at Harvard, both schools with big reputations.

According to the Educational Testing Service, instances of cheating in school have greatly increased over the last fifty years.

who choose to major in the humanities are seen as wide-eyed idealists or burnouts who don’t care about their future.

If we accept that idea, that we’re all in school to get employed one day, then that changes how we look at our education. The Higher Education Research Institute has found that, since the recession, the primary reason freshman state for going to college is getting a better job. Business remains the nation’s most popular major. Our generation has gotten the message that college is job training, and we’ve acted on it.

There are, of course, other ways of looking at education that once used

come a well-rounded and responsible individual. Today, we still expect that college graduates will be broadly informed and take part in their communities, though our schools often don’t build that into the curriculum.

Instead, we’ve stuck with education as job training, and that emphasis has a huge dark side. Social sciences and humanities programs are being cut across the country. The growth to this school proposed in UB2020 is mainly in STEM and medicine, the well-known good job areas. Students

There are some basic things that teachers and administrators can do to make cheating harder and thus rarer: rewrite your tests every year, walk around the room during exams, or use TurnItIn. But as long as we make finding a good job the focus of a university education, students aren’t going to have a lot of moral qualms about cheating. If you keep telling us it’s all about making money and getting ahead, don’t be surprised when we listen.

PULSE

Jobs 2012 I

n a surprise press conference this past Friday, Apple made an exciting announcement. The press was uncharacteristically hushed as they awaited the beginning of the conference. Was this the iPad Mini? A brandnew Macbook? A new new iPad? A voice echoed through the auditorium over the speakers. It was Siri, Apple’s friendly artificial intelligence. After a remarkably heartwarming introduction from the AI, he appeared. The light blue jeans, the black turtleneck, the gleam off his characteristic round glasses: Hologram Steve Jobs.

At first everyone thought it was just a trick, a great gimmick to announce a new product, but then, he explained how after the iPhone 4, when everyone thought he was working on the iPhone 5, he was really hard at work copying his consciousness into digital form so that he could live on. The iPhone 4S reveal shocked and disappointed everyone, since it had been assumed that was the release of the iPhone 5. But at this press conference, everyone’s past disappointment melted away with the unanimous acceptance of Hologram Steve’s apology. He went on to explain how Siri was really his digital self that he disguised as an AI with a female voice so he could wait until the perfect moment to unveil his continued existence. Hologram Steve revealed that Siri is actually an acronym for “Steve is really immortal.”

Article By: Gabrielle Gosset The frenzy continued as Hologram Steve made another, amazing announcement, he will be running for President in this year’s election. The audience went into frenzy. Some asking question upon question, some applauding and cheering, and some were even weeping with joy. The screen behind him lit up with the signature blueto-black gradient background with white letters proudly displaying, “Jobs for 2012,” revealing he was beginning his campaign for President for 2012.

The press conference continued as in a surprise turn of events, Jobs began to give his first political speech, revealing his innovative platform for reform for the first time.

First, he addressed the economy. His personal experience as a businessman himself made him an expert, like other politicians from the ranks of corporate America, and therefore his speech was purely factual, avoiding all hyperbole.

He assured the people that while he may have shipped jobs overseas in the past, he planned to create new jobs in America by keeping the same mentality he does with his overseas industry. For job security, he will integrate a safety net, so that once he creates those jobs, people will keep those jobs, indefinitely. His clever slogan, Jobs for Jobs 2012 ignited a small cheer from the audience due to its subtle wit.

Then, Jobs moved to talk about healthcare. In a shocking proclamation, Jobs

announced he would be repealing all existing healthcare infrastructure. The crowd went silent, for the first time their unshakable trust with the man in the black turtleneck wavering. The next slide of his presentation flashed onto the screen, reading “Introducing iLive!” and Jobs proclaimed, “That’s right, Apple will instead create the perfect, simple, user-friendly healthcare system!” The crowd cheered, instantly realizing that this was the answer we had needed all along, one form of health care from a company that prides itself on simplicity and understanding complex systems for the user instead of asking for them to understand it themselves. The name of the program, iLive, was actually inspired by his newfound immortality. To further prove his point, although everyone was already cheering with sheer happiness, he confessed that his own private healthcare and medical technology projects were how he created his Holographic Self in the first place.

Next, Jobs addressed social justice. In a radical shift from traditional societal views, Jobs declared that to address all issues of race, class, gender, nationality and sexual orientation, people would forever now be known as simply “users.” Apple has been calling its customers “users” for some time now, and as a result, every Apple customer is treated the same, while still allowing each user to be unique. For example, some users have an iPhone 4 while

some users have an iPhone 4S, each is unique while still retaining their status as a user. Therefore, Jobs planned to integrate this mentality by abolishing people’s status to individual societal distinctions to include everyone under the “user” umbrella, resolving every societal tension indefinitely.

Lastly, Jobs spoke of the corruption and greed that plagues politics in America. Like every other issue, Jobs had a simple, perfect solution that easily fixed the problem. Apple has streamlined entertainment and communication between various electronic devices by limiting users’ access to most internal systems in its devices so that Apple could do all the work for the user. Jobs plans to translate this flawless procedure onto the political system where Apple votes for the users!

The simplicity yet perfection of all of his user-friendly solutions to such seemingly daunting issues in America was overwhelming. As his white Nikes left the stage, it was clear that every problem haunting America from the past would be wiped clean by Apple’s takeover of the White House. With a collective sigh of relief, the audience broke into synchronized chants of “Long live Jobs! Long live Jobs!”

-11-

FRIGHTWORLD 2 1 0 2 N E E W HALLO

Photos By: Dinorah Santos

HE SAID

Sweet Tooth So this guy in a white van offered me some Hershey kisses… should I take some?

SS: Of course! The idea of “stranger danger” is an outdated principle, how do you expect to make new friends if you’re never willing to meet new people? All you do is sit on the couch and play Xbox, dude, it’s unhealthy! Your father and I are worried about you!

HS: Do what your mother says.

I hear using pop rocks while giving oral sex “heightens” the experience. Is this legit?

SS: Absolutely. There’s nothing more tantalizing than having tiny, sticky, exploding crystals scattered liberally over your intimate parts. However, I personally prefer to use the old “glue Mentos to your partner, fill your mouth with Diet Coke and go to town” method.

HS: No! No! No! Do you know what a pop rock does if it gets stuck up there? Every time you peed it’d go pop. Imagine explaining to the doctor why you have candy in your urethra.

Guys, if she brings in pop rocks, leave.

Don’t pull your pants down. Just go.

I was at this frat party and a dude offered me a mysterious pill-looking thing, but he said it was candy.

Do you think he’s telling the truth?

SS: If you’re still conscious, congratulations! You’ve found a really nice

spontaneous guy, who is really great at sharing. If you’re unconscious, you obviously aren’t reading this, so…yeah he was probably lying.

HS: It totally was candy! A special kind of candy that gets made in Quahog, Rhode Island. I heard a stash of them could be found in Glen Quagmire’s house. Though I’d be careful if he offered you a rapeycolada too.

I’ve heard that if you can unwrap a Starburst with just your tongue, you give great head. My girlfriend hasn’t taken that leap yet, so how can I trick her in to performing the Starburst test? I want to make sure she knows what she’s doing!

SS: Step one, acquire the Starburst.

Step two, don’t be a stupid douchebag, talk to your girlfriend about whether or not she is ready to go down on you, if she isn’t, wait until she is. And if she is, coach her through it so that you learn as a couple what does and does not work for you. Step three, enjoy Starburst as a victory snack.

HS: I haven’t heard this rumor. It sounds about right. Here’s what I suggest. You find a hypnotist. Plan a nice special date night and get the hypnotist to convince her to remove the wrapper with her tongue so you can get the info you want…on second thought, just have the hypnotist convince her to give you regular blowjobs.

SHE SAID

Article By: Carlton Brock and Keighley Farrel

So I ate some unwrapped candy and now I’m tripping balls…

SS: Sweeeet. Enjoy your trip! Free drugs are a highly coveted commodity; make sure to thank whoever sacrificed some of their stash!

HS: Ooooh a trip! Where’s Balls? Is it

by Nutley, New Jersey? I wanna go on a trip. Did you win it from the candy you unwrapped? What kind was it?

With Halloween just around the corner, what are some good candy themed pick-up lines I can use on the honeys?

I don’t want to cough up the dough for edible underwear for my girlfriend. How can I make some myself ?

SS: I get this question all the time.

Believe it or not, the safest and tastiest foodstuff to wrap around your partners naughty-bits is a really thick cut of raw flank steak. Chock-full of protein, and a taste that just won’t quit, you’ll feel in touch with your primal roots as you sink your teeth into that meaty treat.

HS: For a vegetarian option, might I suggest lettuce? You can make anything out of lettuce given the patience.

SS: “Hey there sugar, you sure look sweet.” “Wanna find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of MY tootsie pop?” “I’d really like it if you ate candy off my genitals.”

HS: Wanna come in my van? I have candy!

My significant other has a raging sweet tooth. How can I bring their love for sugar into the bedroom?

SS: “Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off.”

(Source: An ACTUAL COSMOPOLITAN SEX TIP. Look it up if you’d like.)

HS: Ignore everything she just said.

Take a bath in Hershey chocolate with them.

-15-

Prick Me Baby One More Time Article By: Laura Borshel

E

ver since I was around five, I have always seemed to be obsessed with something at any given point. First, it was my love affair with the military. My tiny five-year-old brain wanted nothing more than to enlist in the U.S. Army and gloriously experience the awesome adventures that I forced my G.I. Joes to have in the depths of my basement. After that, I was consumed by the enigma that was Jackie Chan. My parents thought it would be a great idea to let a military and gun obsessed six-year-old watch the martial arts movie Rush Hour. I became so enthralled; six-year-old me set two life goals, one, literally becoming Jackie Chan, and two (a slightly more realistic goal), achieving a black belt. Sadly, I was only able to accomplish one of those dreams; I am now happily on my way to transitioning into Jackie Chan. My last obsession from childhood, however, came from a place that I did not expect, a classic 90’s jewelry booth at the Galleria Mall.

thing. Getting a needle through both of your ear lobes wasn’t painful at all, plus you could put really cool looking shit in them after! As far as I was concerned, that trip to the mall had me sold.

At the time, I wasn’t quite sure what a “piercing” was, but all I knew was that I wanted to stop wearing the fake stick on crap that I had been wearing for years. I wanted the real deal. I was unafraid and determined, that was, until my mother gently informed me that the woman performing the piercing was going to have to stick needles in my ear lobes. NEEDLES. After processing this newly received information I immediately broke down sobbing. This was mainly because my six-year-old brain was not so fine-tuned in the art of word association. I instead, interpreted this information as I was going to get a shot.

As the news started to settle in, I began to freak out more. I had such a hatred of injections that I actually gained a reputation at the doctor’s office when I hid under a chair and kicked a nurse who was simply trying to do her job.

My whole body was on edge; nerves shaky, hands sweating, and the worst butterflies I’ve had since the fourth grade, when I was forced to be a fruit in a musical directed by a ruthless bipolar blond girl whose anger issues stemmed from alcoholic and neglectful parents. Actually, I think that may have been an episode of Hey Arnold, but I digress. Point is I was a nervous wreck. It was the way I always got before getting a new piercing. My racing heart only pounded harder as I plodded along the sidewalk and found myself in front of Cowpok.

My little six years of life was flashing before my eyes as the jewelry attendant went in for the kill. With snot and tears running down my face, I clutched onto the Winnie the Pooh doll they let me hold and hoped for the best.

In that moment and the few that occurred directly after, I discovered some-16-

Even though it would be a good eleven or twelve years before I really started to dabble in the world of body modification again, the precedent had been set, and began to slowly take root in my psyche.

Like that fateful trip to the Galleria, I found myself on a similar path one misty fall day last week, yearning for more body modification and jewelry to adorn myself with. Despite getting over my fear of shots (well, mostly anyways), I was still jittery and anxious over the thought of needles being stabbed into my flesh.

Immediately looking at the shop, Cowpok visually fits into part of the Buffalo landscape. Located at 177 Elmwood Avenue, it is a bit farther down Elmwood, past the ever popular and slightly hipster hang out, Spot Coffee.

While I usually don’t find myself venturing past Spot or the little shops in the direct vicinity, I soon found myself grateful for this. Being drowned in a sea of mustache wax and judgmental looks that always seemed to say, “*insert hipster thoughts here*” was not what I needed at that moment.

When I walked into the shop, the first thing that immediately caught my eye was a large mural of Cowpok’s well-known signature mascot; a deranged looking cow in a straight jacket covered with various piercings and tattoos. Still glancing at the striking image, I wandered up to the counter and was met by one of the shop’s piercers, Sarah, to discuss the type of piercing I was interested in.

For the last several months I had been mulling over the idea of getting more piercings, and ultimately decided that I wanted to get two surface anchor piercings on my collarbone. For those of you who aren’t familiar with what a surface anchor piercing is, it is a surface piercing that only has a single adornment. Essentially, one end of the piercing is flat and the other side has a rounded like foot that gets inserted into the skin. The longer part, the toe, is inserted first. It is then followed by the heel, which helps anchor the piercing to the skin. After the procedure is done, the fresh piercing appears to just be a flat piece of metal stuck to an area of skin.

After telling Sarah what I wanted, she proceeded to see if my collarbone was a good candidate for my first adventure into the world of surface anchors.

Unfortunately, it was revealed to me that I didn’t have enough meat on my bones for me to get my collarbone done. Despite my sudden urge to consume pounds of McDonald’s and join the growing number Americans who die each year from a diet of Ribwiches and cream soda, I decided to accept my skinny bitch status and pick a different location for the piercing. I thought it over and ultimately decided on getting my left hip done.

With the decision made and the jewelry picked out, it was time to conquer my nervousness. I hopped up on the piercing table while Sarah began to prep and explain what she was going to do. First, she applied fresh sterile gloves and got out the prepackaged items that she would be working with. She then swabbed down the area and marked it with a purple dye so I could see the placement of where she was going to pierce. I checked out the placement in the mirror and everything looked great. With the easy part over, all that was left was the physical process of getting the piercing.

Again, Sarah made sure that the area was totally clean and sterilized it again.

After that was secure, she opened up the prepackaged tools and started the work. When I heard the familiar phrase “take a deep breath in” I knew I was about to get poked. As I released the air in my lungs, I was met with a reasonable amount of pain, and responded by promptly twisting my face and swearing loudly.

At this point, a pocket had been made in my skin, and no, I know what everyone is thinking, not the kind that is a microwavable lie that scorches the inside of your mouth and makes cameo appearances in movies where Michael Cera gets teenage girls preggers, but the kind where a piece of jewelry would snuggly fit into. The insertion of the jewelry also had a similar effect, so I again, in solid form let out another string of curse words.

After the jewelry was nestled in place, Sarah cleaned up the area and let me take a look at her work. Upon looking in the mirror, I was immediately impressed and extremely satisfied with the work that she had done. All that was left to do now was take care of the payment and go over aftercare for my new piercing.

Starting with the basics, Sarah went over some general information with me so I could properly and effectively take care of my piercing. First and foremost, I was told if I had a loofah to get rid of it because of all the bacteria and the risk of infection that the common bath sponge on stick holds. Second, I was instructed to not play with my piercing at all, or risk exposing myself to a possible infection. Next Sarah handed me a bottle of Cowpok branded soap that I was supposed to use in the shower everyday to clean the piercing and the surrounding area. After that she told me that a good idea would be to buy a large box of tea bags, boil them, and then set one on my piercing to help aid in the overall healing process. Lastly, Sarah also suggested that doing a noniodized saline soak two times a day would also help heal and help eliminate the chance of infection.

Once I was educated on proper aftercare, all that was left was to pay for my new adornment. Because I had a coupon that I found in my nifty school planner, ten dollars knocked off the total price of the piercing. Cowpok also offers the same ten-dollar-off price if you show them your school ID as well, so if you forget your coupon you are still safe. The total price of my new piercing before tip came to just under $60, which in my book was one hundred percent worth it.

Overall, I had a great piercing experience at Cowpok that will without a doubt bring me back for more when I am healed and ready to indulge in my obsession, addiction, or whatever you want to call it. Will it lead me to eventually adorn my entire body with metal? Maybe, maybe not, but it is a journey that I am still figuring out as I live my life, obsessions and all.

n i t n

y l g

A

u a H to

k roc B n

eB

icl Art

arl C : y

d o Go

e iT m

T

he leaves are changing color.

The air is getting crisper.

Stores are starting to pack candy in the extra spaces. HBO is showing Saw and Freddy vs Jason. Yes, it is that time of year again; Halloween is upon us. And other than dressing up and going out in hopes that your creepy old neighbor will give you candy instead of asking you to do some chores in the back yard for him, it’s the time for haunted houses.

Buffalo happens to be home to a multitude of haunts; Haunted Catacombs on Union to UB’s own Haunted Union. But among the haunted houses, Frightworld America’s Scream Park, located on Sheridan Dr. in the Northtown Plaza, reigns as king. The very aura of this collection of haunted houses screams fear. As you enter you may notice a very disturbing car outside the line. As the night wanes you can hear some of the screams from some of the patrons already enjoying the park.

Entering the building places you in an area that is head and shoulders above the rest. The décor, from the dim lighting to the monsters walking around to the impressive set pieces give the place a creepy feeling and set it above the rest of local haunted houses.

During our trip there we were given the chance to meet and have an impromptu interview with Frightworld’s General Manager and Director of Operations, Stephen Szortyka. A ten year veteran of the Haunt Industry, Szortyka, who was brought into the industry by an interest in smoke machines, strobe lights, and scary movies. “I started to build haunted houses on my front porch when I was a little kid every single year.” Szortyka said, recanting the story of how he got into the Haunt Industry, “I added new things to it and we got more attendance. And it’s funny my one friend, who used to be a hairdresser, and one of her clients knew a guy a who was opening a haunted house and she told me about it because she knew how much I liked it. And at the interview he said, ‘how does eight bucks an hour sound?’ and I said ‘awesome’ because back then minimum wage was like five-fifteen an hour.”

-18-

Another major influence in Szortyka’s life that helped him decide career choice was his upbringing. “I kinda grew up in a house that was a bit haunted. For whatever reason or not weird things happened.”

With a smile he said, “doors opened right

BuffaLove in front of me, a lot of people say that those things don’t happen, I challenge people to stay there for a couple days.”

There is a clear connection to this as one walks through the houses where little details such as doors opening or props moving or even visually stunning moving walls scare those brave enough to enter away.

For our own experience, our photo editor Dinorah and myself ventured into each of the five houses. There is no such thing as the scariest house. They are all terrifying. Each person in front of the haunted houses stamping tickets said that the one they had was the scariest.

For example, Phobiaz scared me the most because it introduced me to several different things besides monsters. Claustrophobia and the dark have never been my allies. They weren’t for some of our fellow patrons either who at one point became so terrified that they could no longer continue through the experience.

For Dinorah, we found that Raven Hill Asylum was most terrifying. Finding herself surrounded by murderous mental patients, especially in elevators, played into her fears. I found myself chasing after her to ensure that she didn’t run through anyone or anything toward the end.

Grindhouse introduced us to a group of teenage boys who entered the house as lions and left as lambs. Likewise the Wicked Woods was fear inspiring if only for it’s massive scale and excellent use of bridges. We felt like survivors in the Blair Witch Project. The House Death Trap could be heard more than anything, as the group in front of us was extremely vocal about their fear.

While the varied expressions of fear were great there seemed to be no pride better than when the actors elicited a reaction involving bodily fluid. “I heard you got a pisser,” Szortyka said as we walked past one of the inmates from Raven Hill Asylum that we would later cause Dinorah to sprint as fast as she could to the exit. Up close we saw that the details on his face were as great as any of the decorations, down to painted scars and different colored contacts. Makeup, which only takes an hour between three artists according to Amy, a makeup artist we encountered behind the scenes.

So definitely go to Frightworld this Halloween Season. It’s a hauntingly good time.

BuffaLove

Upcoming Concerts Article By: Laura Borschel

Bright Light Social Hour

The Austin based rock band Bright Light Social Hour is playing at Mohawk Place October 17.

Ticket Price: $10 in advance, $12 at the door Address: 46 E. Mohawk Street Buffalo, NY 14203 Doors Open: 8 pm

Walk off the Earth

The Ontario Indie band Walk off the Earth, who is largely known for their covers of pop music, as well as their own material, is playing at the Town Ballroom Wednesday, October 24.

Ticket Price: $20 in advance Address: 681 Main Street Buffalo, NY 14023 Doors Open: 7 pm

Circa Survive

The immensely popular group Circa Survive is playing at the Town Ballroom Thursday, October 25. Other acts include Touche Amore, Balance and Composure, and O’Brother.

Ticket Price: $20 in advance, $24 at the door Address: 681 Main Street Buffalo, NY 14023 Doors Open: 6 pm

Movie Review:

Looper Article By: Gabrielle Gosset

Yelawolf

Yelawolf, the popular rapper is coming to the Town Ballroom Wednesday, October 31. Opening acts include with Rittzr, Trouble Andrew, and DJ Vara.

Ticket Price: $21 in advance, $25 at the door Address: 681 Main Street Buffalo, NY 14023 Doors Open: 7 pm

ICP (Insane Clown Posse)

The super popular evangelical “horror core” mystical rap group ICP (Insane Clown Posse) is performing a revival at the Town Ballroom on the day of rest (Sunday) October 28. Opening acts include Zug Island, and Kamp Krystal Lake. I have a feeling that they have finally figured out the mystery that has escaped mankind for centuries, magnets and how they work.

Ticket Price: $30 in advance, $34 day of show Address: 681 Main Street Buffalo, NY 14023 Doors Open: 7 pm

Badfish

The Sublime tribute band Badfish is playing along side the band Scotty Don’t Saturday, November 3.

Ticket Price: $17 in advance Address: 681 Main Street Buffalo, NY 14023 Doors Open: 7 pm

F

rom the trailer, Looper already looks like an interesting movie, but there’s so much more to this film than the trailer suggests. The basic premise is that time travel is invented in the future and when the mob needs someone to disappear, they send them back in time where a looper is waiting for them to kill them and dispose of the body. They get paid in pure silver bars that are strapped onto the backs of their targets, and so they get to live pretty luxurious lives. Part of the contract for loopers is that they agree that they will kill anyone they send back, even if it happens to be their future self.

This basic premise was in the trailer, but here’s what the trailer should have shown as well. The movie takes place about 30 years from now, where the world is a bit more dystopian and cyberpunk. The futuristic, dystopian feel adds so much to the atmosphere of the film and is not really shown in the trailer.

The trailer also happened to forget to mention the level of violence. Hollywood is not shy of using violence and the problem is that the trailer did not even hint at the violence in the film. The R rating has become too vague and all-encompassing so that too much swearing and bodies being slowly dismembered are all lumped into the same category. Therefore, I feel the need to give a warning; this movie is violent, borderline controversial. And while the violence is disturbing, it brings up important questions that elevate this movie past your average time travel philosophy.

Another thing that the trailer didn’t have enough time to show was the amazing acting in the film. While Willis did a great job, the action star was not the lone star. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s stunning portrayal of young Bruce Willis was astonishing. It’s no secret that JGL is making a name for himself in Hollywood, with blockbusters like The Dark Knight Rises and Inception under his belt (just to name a few). Looper puts him firmly in the forefront as the main character. He had to sit through three hours of makeup every day of filming to make him look more like Bruce Willis to play a younger version of him, and while the makeup was spot on, the acting was virtually flawless.

JGL had Willis’s mannerisms, facial expressions, even the characteristic smirk down to absolute perfection.

But there was another actor in the film that is sure to become a superstar, Pierce Gagnon. At a mere ten years old, his portrayal of too-smart-for-his-age Sid was Oscarworthy to say the least. From the range of emotion to the subtle nuances only the best of actors master, Gagnon firmly anchored himself as a superstar.

Looper is a movie that is about so much more than the trailer makes it out to be. It’s not just another movie about time travel and its consequences. It’s much more than that. It’s about identity and choices, memories and regret. It’s about much more than time travel.

LITERARY

d e t a l u m i S A y d e g a r T

Article By: Keighley Farrell

T

he broken glass crunched under my feet as I treaded carefully across the kitchen, nostrils burning from the smoke that still hung heavy in the air. Through the haze I saw our stove- what was left of it anyways- charred and crumbling. I put my head in my hands and sobbed.

All those seemingly endless nights waiting tables at the diner downtown, all those hours toiling away at the neighbors weed-infested gardens, all the money I’d put toward the bare minimums of a normal life were wasted. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to afford a new stove. Even with both of our incomes combined, my husband and I couldn’t even afford a bed. I could feel the scream building up inside me; I took a deep breath and dropped to my knees, letting out a cry of overwhelming sadness: “NEEEESSSHHHGAAAAA!!!!”

Just then my husband came in the door, throwing his briefcase in the air at the sight of the demolished kitchen. He put his hands on his head and stomped his feet, motioning to the kitchen and then to me, and then back to the kitchen, before walking over to the living room and plopping down in front of the TV. -20-

That was just SO like him, distracted by the first thing that caught his eye. He doesn’t even NEED that briefcase; he works at the movie theater! He only carries it around because it’s a part of the default “work” outfit! I scowled at him from across the room, huffing and crossing my arms. He obviously wasn’t fazed enough with the desolation of our kitchen, but he would be soon enough, when he tried to make himself dinner. What an inconsiderate bastard.

irate and exhausted, and flailed my arms in the air.

“Renato! Renato!” I screamed, but he didn’t even acknowledge my yells of frustration.

Suddenly, I realized to my horror that I had to pee.

But even as I danced in place, staring longingly at the bathroom, I couldn’t move. All I could do was watch in terror as the puddle formed around my feet. When I started to back away from the mess, I lost my footing on a mysterious new drop in the floor, and fell helplessly in to a one foot by one I decided the only thing I could do was sleep until foot swimming pool. I flailed helplessly, looking work the next morning, worrying and crying and around for some kind of ladder, but there was stomping my feet weren’t going to get me any- nothing but water in every direction, and now I where. I needed to start earning and saving money. could feel the water filling my lungs, I felt my vitals I trudged over to the couch on the other side of dropping asthe living room and curled up on it, my stomach already growling furiously. I had only been asleep “Ugh, this game is boring.” Keighley clicked on for about half an hour when I awoke suddenly to the drop down menu and opened the command the sound of my husband laughing loudly, slap- prompt. “It’s no fun without the cheats anyways.” ping his knee at something apparently hilarious She began plugging in codes, unaware of the sinhe’d seen on the TV. I stood up angrily, stomped gle hand reaching desperately out of the swimover to the TV and switched it off, returning to the ming pool, as the sound of a television and a man’s couch and settling back in. Just when I was about laughter filled the house… to fall asleep, I heard him switch the TV back on and fall back in to his fit of laughter, obviously not concerned by my need for sleep. I stood up again,

LITERARY

Applying to Re-Enter Article By: Michael Kazmierczak

S

o you decided to come back. You filled out the forms, wrote out a few checks for processing, and are sent on your way with a “we’ll-have-our-people-call-your-people” and “here’s-the-door.” Once you do call in to check on your status, it startles the moleman living in Archives from his cobweb hammock. He shuffles about the cavernous vault and uncovers some ancient parking ticket, worn and dusty like a papyrus manuscript, that somebody somehow forgot to notify you about. But a cop’s gotta eat (that uniform ain’t gonna fill itself in, right?), so you send in the $40 and laugh it off.

With the bill came more mail from school: a sort of postcard from the administration. “How nice!” you say, but it’s just a hastily scribbled note:

WHERE IS YOUR STUDY ABROAD TRANSCRIPT? “Aw hell,” you say, “how should I know? Isn’t that your job?”

The postcard sighs like in film noir.

“Studying abroad through another SUNY school isn’t a problem!” they told you, but this one forgot about your records and deactivated their e-mail addresses. But not to worry! They still operate through Morse Code. You damn your scoutmaster for skipping over that one and try your best. After a week you receive a telegram from SUNY Hooverville telling you not to worry: their best courier is on the case.

Two weeks pass and your nerves are tingling. You call up the SRC and it’s a ghost town. You’re immediately transferred to

the Study Abroad Office, who transfers you to the Registrar.

“Congratulations!” they exclaim, “we’ve entered your transcript into the system!” But the blind Janus reminds you that rules are rules: if Admissions isn’t holding a physical copy, it doesn’t exist. So Registrar throws you a bone and mails a copy on Friday. Come Monday, the postmaster on Main St is wondering why 232 Capen couldn’t just walk the envelope down two flights of stairs to 12, but the application finally ascends the bureaucratic Olympus.

it’s still policy, eh okay, maybe it isn’t. What about the down payment on tuition? You did? Huh… you’d think that this university-wide digital database would have a way of communicating that these requirements were fulfilled!

“Please await The Committee’s decision,” you’re told.

But you’re still homeless, broke, and overstaying your welcome on a friend’s couch. Joy Division is probably playing softly in the background as you sit alone on a damp bench, wondering if you should just go home. A text message comes in from someone offering cheap housing in the Heights that’ll make The Spectrum’s front page.

“When do they meet?”

A large doughy hand comes down onto your shoulder.

“We’ll have our people e-mail your people.”

“Chin up m’boy”, says UB, ignoring that in this narrative you’re gender-nondescript. The corpulent figure waddles forward and you find yourself atop a building overlooking Downtown Campus. UB chews on a cigar. “Behold: people scraping tooth and nail, scrounging just enough for their families to subsist on! They’ve been given few to no chances at prosperity, and you’ve now a second! Why number yourself among those beyond these walls?” You mention the registration mishandlings and UB lets off a phlegmy guffaw.

“Get that damned degree, son, and accept your FAFSA!” as a blazing government check lights the cigar.

“But school starts in less than a month!” Click.

Shadow-clad, they sit in the deep recesses of the campuses, sequestered behind long corridors stained with yellow light, their computers running Vista. UBmail is open, overflowing with unanswered correspondences. There’s also a cat video!

She’s reciting the Gettysburg Address! Heheheh. The Committee goes back to their e-mails and realize there are more approvals. What is this, a job? Why are the lights off?

After two another weeks, Gmail alerts you to an e-mail from UB: Welcome back, and don’t forget about FAFSA! You’ve got six days to pack, quit your job, buy what you’ll need, register for classes, find a cheap apartment near campus, and get there. Excitement quickly evolves into panic. Who’s that Pokémon? Looks like you’re psyducked.

Before the start of classes on Tuesday, you finally log into MyUB—but can’t register because of an unpaid parking ticket. Oh wait, you paid that. Alright, says here you didn’t go through the online orientation – oh, you’re returning? Well,

A week passes. Classes have taken you in like a rip tide. At 3 AM on a school night the hive of bros upstairs are yelling about girl problems, recapping the summertime stats of every loose broad in Western NY like it’s fantasy football.

One of them begins extolling jailbait and you plead God to put you into a brief coma. Lying on an inflatable mattress in this barren room, your old anxieties have passed like windswept leaves. You pray some more, and He giveth and He taketh away.

Parting Shots Paper Tigers M

y grandma’s birthday was in August, and like any good person would, I sent her a card.

I hate card shopping. Every greeting card tries to be either sentimental or funny. In the sentimental ones, I feel like I’m creeping on my own emotional life. I need to wash my hands after reading those.

Article By: Paul Stephan

Still, I can’t get too mad about paying a lot for a piece of paper with some words written on it, because the five dollar bill I pulled out of my wallet was just a piece of paper with some words written on it. All I did was switch paper.

Generation requires me to write things so that they can go on pieces of paper for you to read.

In return, they give me some difThe funny ones are, well, pretty ferent kinds of paper that I can pathetic. Here’s a sentence that trade in for food and books and I’ve never heard in my life: “That alcohol. I have a bank account birthday card you gave me was so that tells me exactly how much funny.” paper I have at any given time.

The worst part about the whole endeavor is the price. I pay three or four dollars, plus postage, to send you a piece of paper that I don’t even like. This is how I demonstrate my affection for you.

people’s special paper, I can go get a good job where they’ll give me oodles of paper so that I can buy even nicer food and books and alcohol.

to each other. We call them economists and we put them in universities and think tanks so they can tell us everything they know about paper pushing.

The whole economy, when you think about it, is really just a big paper pushing fiesta. We keep passing around our portraits of Lincoln and Jackson and Grant to each other. When we swap our paper really fast, that’s called progress. When it slows down, that’s called a recession, and people that used to go work at factories and schools and offices are told they can’t go there anymore because the paper isn’t going around fast enough.

When the paper doesn’t move faster and faster each year, we start to panic. We just want to know why, God dammit, we can’t keep up our pace. We start to blame people. We blame CEOs, banks, labor unions, or China. We have deep conversations about why we’re not number one in paper passing anymore. U.S. Presidents gain and lose their jobs depending how fast the paper is moving. It’s all about paper.

“DO YOUR JOB!” In fact, do two jobs. Because if you have the gall to tell people you deserve a position of power and then do nothing with it, then you really are grinding my gears. Some of us work too hard and put too much time into things to have you put half the effort you said you would and a quarter of the time. Frankly, by having you there you are wasting time.

games, TVs for the cable, Buffalo Bills jerseys to wear while watching, Buffalo Bills Alarm Clocks and even Buffalo Bills Cereals (Mari-O’s any one?) If you’re not going to do your job and win games why keep promising us wins.

Even more importantly, I get to put “Associate Editor – Generation Magazine” on a special piece of paper called a résumé. If my And there are people who devote special résumé paper says bettheir entire lives to studying why ter things than a bunch of other people decide to pass paper

Happy birthday, Grandma.

Do Work Son! T

he great American thinker Peter Griffin once posed the question, “What grinds my gears?” to the public. Do you want to know what really grinds my gears into a thin little dust that cascades across an open plain at the slightest breeze?

People that don’t pull their weight in activities designed for a team, especially when they’re depended on.

Article By: Carlton Brock

-22-

That means you Mr. Group-Project-Show-Up-On-Due-Day. Mr. G, you frankly didn’t do anything so us students who care about our education receive a B- instead of the A’s we deserve. Especially since the only part of the project that was lacking was the part that you were responsible. And the then you have the nerve to say to complain about the grade

afterward like you didn’t just not show up to days we decided to work late or not at all.

I’m looking at you Madame No-Call-No-Show on the busiest day of the week. The last thing I want after an eight hour day on the job is to stay for another three hours because you decided that you didn’t want to come to work today. It’s Saturday, I opened the store and I definitely do not want to close today, too.

In fact, your cousin, Mr. ShowUp-And-Slow-Down-Business is strongly preferred because even though he only takes one customer an hour he at least shows up.

To Mr. and Ms. Lobby-For-a-Position-Of-Power-and-DO-NothingFor-It, I have a sentence for you,

Yes, I’m talking to you, “Super” Mario Williams. Yeah, I said it!

There is no way anyone should be getting paid millions of dollars to bolster a defense and let 50 points go by most of which coming in the second half. As a matter of fact the entire Buffalo Bills team, we Buffalonians pay too much money for tickets to games, cable to watch the

Now the occasional mess up happens. We’re not perfect. But when you stop trying then it’s no longer a mess up, it’s a damn habit. And habits are not an excuse for consistently underperforming or just out right not performing. Put in an effort, it’s amazing what that would do for your perception. Stop grinding my gears before I dump the dust into your breakfast cereal.