Of These Mountains I’ve Become an Old Fart Before My Very Eyes by Kendall R. Rumsey
I
once was cool. I remember when I was on the cutting edge of everything pop culture, style and knew all the words to the best music…. today, I’m just an old fart wondering what happened.
Now instead of bouncing out of bed ready to take on a new day, I crick and creak and limp to the bathroom each morning, longing for the hour that I can return to my warm bed and have another restless night of sleep interrupted by a couple of pee breaks. I try to keep it cool and pretend like I can have a conversation with millennials, but I can’t. I have no idea what being “lit” is all about, in my mind it takes me back to my 20’s after being over-served in a bar, or what I do with the gas logs in my fireplace. I have no idea what a “Lizzo” is, I wonder what monarch deemed Gaga a Lady and I was taught in 2nd grade that the Weekend had an “e” after the “k.” When I was a young whippersnapper, if I wanted to tell somebody something, I would call them on the phone connected to a chord in my house, meet after class or in the breakroom or for those supersecret nuggets of info, I may slip someone a note. Now, you slide into someone’s DM’s, but which DM? Is it my Snap, my Twitter, my Insta or if it’s someone my own age it may be my Facebook or a text? Sweet Baby Jesus, if I have to learn anymore apps for someone to tell me something my head may pop off! These days we stream everything we watch; I can even watch a whole tv show on my phone…. HELLO, I am old, I have old eyes, I can’t watch TV on my phone, I’ve got my characters set at the XL setting as it is, just so I can read those texts from old people like me!
But no, we now stream entire seasons of tv shows over a weekend, but which of the 500 channels or 30 different streaming services is it on? I can’t keep up with Netflix or Hulu or YouTube or Amazon or Disney + or Peacock or whatever the next new thing is. What was wrong with ABC, CBS, and NBC? Remember when we had three channels and you had to get up to change the channel? What about J.R., we had to wait months just to find out if he was going to live or die. This past year, I’ve watched that poor Handmaid get captured, electrocuted, escape, come back, escape again, help all the other Handmaids escape and the last I saw her she was laying in the woods after getting shot…… that streaming stuff may be good for binging, but I worry about that poor handmaid laying out in the woods with a bullet in her, she’s been laying there for months, someone hurry up and find her so she can get bandaged up! Don’t even get me started on food. These days folks go online and order a week’s worth of meals, all specially prepared by Chefs, made with all-natural ingredients and perfectly sectioned out for one sitting with no leftovers. You just microwave and eat it. HAHA, all you fancy foodies don’t have anything on us, we had that too, it was called a Swanson’s TV Dinner that you had to put in the oven, because we didn’t even have a microwave, and it was awful! I’m sure all this stuff that is supposed to make life easier is a good thing, but it just makes me feel old as dirt. As much as I hated having to be the one to get up and change the channels for my daddy to choose what we watched, I miss those days. No fancy chef will ever be able to make a meal like my mama and if I want to listen to a one named singer, I’m going with Elvis or Cher and no matter how cool you are, if you can’t spell your name the way I learned it in elementary school, you are just not that cool! All you young folks keep on watching TV on your phone and sending Snaps and Insta, but before you know it, you are going to be like me…. just an old fart, worrying about that Handmaid laying out in the field bleeding and looking at stuff shaking your head, watching the clock until you can get in bed at 9:30 and creaking and cracking, limping to the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee.
Kendall Rumsey is a resident of Clayton, Ga. He is owner of the lifestyle brand Of These Mountains and author of the blog, Notes from a Southern Kitchen. A native of Rabun County, Kendall has extensive marketing experience and a deep appreciation for the mountains. His store, Of These Mountains is located in Clarkesville, Georgia. OTM includes apparel, local art, gifts and promotes the lifestyle afforded residents of these mountains. You may also shop online at www.ofthesemountains.com Visit his blog www.notesfromasouthernkitchen.com for more of his writing.
62 GML - April 2021
