Restoring Hope
Markham says. “Any issue that makes you feel like lashing out has roots in your own early years. We know this because we lose our ability to think clearly at those moments, and we start acting like children ourselves, throwing our own tantrums.” The more deeply we know ourselves—whether through therapy, reading, journaling, meditation, mindfulness practices or simply facing head-on the hard knocks of life—the more open we are to forging a deep relationship with our children and the easier it is to calm ourselves in the moment of a trigger, psychologists say. Correcting a child becomes then a matter of being a guide or coach, rather than a law enforcer. “Disciplining from a place of presence or awakened consciousness means having the willingness to pause, reflect, course-correct as needed in the moment, apologize, take ownership, ask for help and to drop history and reset as needed,” says Renée Peterson Trudeau, the Brevard, North Carolina, author of Nurturing the Soul of Your Family and The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. “Most of all, practice self-compassion. You will make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on; this is beautiful modeling for your kids.” Jessica Speer, a family-book author in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, lives that process. Raised in a home “where anger wasn’t managed well,” she had no tools to draw on when she got triggered by her toddler’s tantrums. It was, she says, “a wake-up call that I needed help.” Diving deeply into books, mindfulness and meditation helped her to understand herself better. “Fast forward 10 years, and I still meditate regularly,” she says. “Now, when my daughter experiences big emotions, I try to ground myself so I can be there by her side. This has been so healing for both of us.”
R
to Those in Need
estoring Hope Counseling Center is home to 10 mental health counselors practicing within their own areas of expertise. Licensed mental health counselor Alicia Pfahler is the site director. The center was founded in 2019 with a vision of autonomous counselors practicing together to better serve a wide variety of Alicia Pfahler clients under one roof. Restoring Hope provides mental health counseling to adults, individuals, couples families, children and teens. Group therapy was offered prior to COVID-19 and will resume when it is safe. “A wide array of mental health concerns can be addressed, including depression, anxiety, ADHD, addictions, grief and loss, couples therapy, attachment-related issues in foster care and adoptions, as well as adult adoptees,” says Pfahler. “A wide variety of treatment modalities are used, including trauma-informed care, attachment models, cognitive behavioral models, dialectical behavioral therapy, narrative therapy and developmental therapies.” She shares, “I would say a lot of wisdom in parenting comes from taking opposing ideas and creating brilliant strategies that comes from using the wisdom in each. For example, opting for structure over nurture is just as ineffective as often nurture over structure. Like a tension bridge a general approach to parenting with the goal of thriving children puts structure and nurture in balance, and doesn’t chose between one or the other. Parents don’t have to be reactive to authoritarian models of parenting that emphasize obedience and responsibility without connection.” A trust-based relational intervention practitioner and educator, Pfahler is a qualified clinical supervisor for the state of Florida who supervises practicum students and registered mental health interns. She contracts with Partnership for Strong Families, seeing children in foster care and then post-adoption, and also with
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Ronica O'Hara is a Denver-based health writer. Connect at OHaraRonica@gmail.com.
Like a tension bridge, a general approach to parenting with the goal of thriving children puts structure and nurture in balance, and doesn’t chose between one or the other. ~Alicia Pfahler November 2020
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