6 minute read
Restoration
by Kaeli Standridge
Come on, Adeline. Do it. It’s easy. Get out of bed. It shouldn’t be this hard. But it was. The internal battle raged within me. I dug deep down within me, to a part that was so tired of fighting, and made myself get out of bed and walk to the shower.
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As I stepped inside, the water began to sting, courtesy of last night’s addition to the collection. Coward. You did this to yourself.
I scrubbed last night’s tears away and then finished my shower. I needed to find something nice to wear today. Something to make people think, “Wow, she’s really got her life together.” I tried to shimmy into my jeans and flinched. It stung too much.
Suck it up. You deserve this.
I sat down on my stool, looked into my mirror, and curled my lips in disgust.
Wow. You’re hideous.
I didn’t have a choice, though. I had to look at myself to begin my “make yourself look alive” routine. I put on simple things like mascara and lip balm. There wasn’t really a point in trying to do more. Nothing could hide my insecurities. I triple-checked that I looked somewhat presentable before gathering my things and heading toward the door.
Adeline, you’re forgetting something.
I looked around my room. I had everything I needed. But I didn’t.
Take it. I grabbed it and left.
I got in my car and turned on the radio to try and calm my nerves. It wasn’t helping, though, so I shut it off. My head was swarming with anxious thoughts. What if someone notices I’m not okay? What if they suspect things? I have to make them believe.
I checked my rearview mirror, and upon seeing my reflection, I broke down into tears. I couldn’t live like this anymore. I was so tired of fighting. In that moment, when I was ready to give up, I heard a voice. “Adeline.”
“Who’s there?” I asked out loud. “It’s me, Adeline.” It wasn’t possible. “Don’t ignore me any longer. I’m here, my child.”
I lifted my head to the sky, feeling like I could see His face. My True King’s face. “I’m scared,” I told Him. “I’ve gotten your voice confused with mine. How do I know it’s really you?”
“You have never confused my voice with yours, Adeline. You convince yourself my voice is only yours when you are frightened. You then shut me out, afraid of what my plan is for you. You don’t have to be afraid, my child.”
I realized He was right. I had been afraid this entire time. But I didn’t want to live like this anymore. So I let go. I gave Him everything. All of the emotions and burdens I’d been carrying for so long, I gave to Him, and He casted them away. I became filled with a sense of peace. I had never felt so calm, so at ease. I could breathe. I could live. I could love. I could love myself.
The tears that streamed down my face were now ones of happiness and relief. I then took what I had become so dependent on into my hands. The knife reflected the sun’s light on my palms. It looked so pretty, but looks can be deceiving.
You disgust me.
For the first time, these words were not about myself, but about the devil: of his weapon that I held in my hands. I would no longer be controlled. I opened my door and threw the knife far away, where no one else could ever use it for what I had.
As I sat in my car, I began to think. My scars may or may not fade. My pain may or may not come back. I knew, whatever the battle, it wouldn’t be easy. However, I would face it with my God, my King, and my hand in His.
I then put my car into reverse and looked into my mirror. I didn’t hate my reflection then. Instead, I smiled. I was happy, and because of God, it wasn’t fake. I didn’t have to fake it. I didn’t. Have to. Fake it.
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Product Price – Actual retail prices are set by dealer and may vary. Taxes, freight, setup and handling charges may be additional and may vary. Models subject to limited availability. Specifications and programs are subject to change without notice. Images may not reflect dealer
inventory and/or unit specifications. †† As required by Kawasaki, horsepower tested in accordance with SAE J1995 and rated in accordance with SAE J2723 and certified by SAE International. **See your local Cub Cadet Independent Dealer for warranty details. © 2020 Cub Cadet
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