Great Health Guide: August 2017 by Great Health Guide

August 2017

Trauma:

Friends ids

Don’t

Avoid

Dream

Trapped

Emotionally Intelligent Kids • Minimising Risk of Brain Damage • Love Your Body, Not Your Scales!

Contents Great health

FITNESS

Minimising Risk of Brain Damage

Fitness Routine: Three Mistakes

The consequence of B12 deficiency .....Dr Helena Popovic....................10

Scoliosis: Adolescents and Adults

Different treatments for lateral spine curvature

Is it time to reassess your exercise routine? .....Kat Millar..................................24

Tendon Injuries

Tendon injuries require a carefully managed rehabilitation programme .....Michael Dermansky..................28

.....Margarita Gurevich...................14

MINDSET

Moving on From Stress Part 2

Trapped by Fear

Four steps to change your perception of stress

Taking action brings confidence and courage

.....Dr Suzanne Henwood...............18

.....Charmaine Roth........................32

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Trauma: Helping Friends

How to help friends who are deeply distressed and disturbed by a traumatic event .....Susie Flashman Jarvis...............35

Love Your Body, Not Your Scales!

Do you measure your worth based on how you see yourself? .....Leanne Allen.............................38

IMPACT What is Your Story?

Your story does not have to define you .....Terry Sidford.............................50

KIDZ MATTERS When Kids Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Listen

RELATIONSHIPS

Understanding why kids struggle to listen and pretend not to hear

Personal Dating Brand

.....Deb Hopper..............................54

How to brand yourself for dating success

.....Melanie Schilling......................42

Dream Killers

What are external dream killers and how to handle them?

Emotionally Intelligent Kids Part 1

Children learn by watching adults to see how they handle emotions .....Dr Ash Nayate...........................58

.....Dr Matthew Anderson..............46

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Editor’s note Dear Friends I’m really excited about this month’s issue of Great Health GuideTM. As always there is an outstanding line up of very practical information written by health specialists. I would like to highlight three articles that build on an important theme – supporting people through challenging times – ‘Trapped by Fear’, ‘External Dream Killers’ and ‘Helping Friends Through Traumatic Events’. Each of these articles highlight life’s challenges and the great need of support required by people during these times. As life gets busier and busier, let’s ensure that we don’t miss the warning signs shown by people who may be going through challenging times. Often busy lives can simply be fuelled by the goal of getting more. Obviously, finance is

important in life but perhaps society as a whole needs to reconsider what is MOST important. Is the pursuit of the promotion, the pay rise, the accolades … or whatever the ultimate goal may be, getting in the way of noticing who is most important? The very people in our lives! If you find yourself just busy 24/7, then you may choose to reconsider what is the most value in life …people. After all we just never know when we might need that support ourselves. Sincerely Kath x

Team GHG Founder + Editor-in-Chief Kathryn Dodd DEPUTY EDITORS Dr Helen Dodd Dr William Dodd CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Leanne Allen Dr Matthew Anderson Justin Balbir

Michael Dermansky Margarita Gurevich Dr Suzanne Henwood Deb Hopper Susie Flashman Jarvis Kat Millar Dr Ash Nayate Dr Helena Popovic Charmaine Roth Melanie Schilling Terry Sidford

ADMINISTRATION Mochamad Firmansyah Weng Yee Leong DESIGNERS Olha Blagodir Chelsea Bradford Belinda Nelson Oleksandra Zuieva CONNECT WITH US:

© Antalya Developments Pty Ltd 2017 Any information made available in the Great Health Guide Magazine (electronic or hard copy formats), or from Antalya Developments Pty Limited or Kathryn Dodd, including by way of third party authored articles or discussions, is made available for readers’ interest only. The purpose of making the information available is to stimulate research, public discussion and debate. Readers are encouraged to undertake their own research and consult with professional advisors to form their own independent views about the topic/s discussed. The information made available in the Great Health Guide Magazine (electronic or hard copy formats) is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Readers should seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions regarding a potential or actual medical condition or the proposed use or decision not to use any particular product. Readers should not disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it at any time, including because of the content of any information made available in the Great Health Guide Magazine (electronic or hard copy formats). Each of Antalya Developments Pty Ltd and Kathryn Dodd do not warrant, guarantee or make any representation regarding the accuracy, veracity, adequacy, reliability, completeness or timeliness of any information available on, or arising in relation to, the Great Health Guide Magazine (electronic or hard copy formats). Neither Antalya Developments Pty Limited nor Kathryn Dodd endorses the views of any contributing authors to the Great Health Guide Magazine (electronic or hard copy formats).

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article index ...........................................

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Happy, Healthy Nutrition Vol 2

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ANTI-AGEING FOODS • EMOTIONAL EATING • FOOD FOR FERTILITY • FRUCTOSE: THE NEW BOOZE • & MUCH MORE

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great health

Minimising Risk of

rain Damage Words Dr Helena Popovic

Design Olha Blagodir

his title may seem alarming however

cannot be produced by the human body and

the facts are indisputable. With today’s

must therefore be obtained through the diet.

lifestyle, there is a very high risk for

certain people becoming B12 deficient…and it’s easier than you could imagine. In the last issue of Great Health GuideTM, I discussed the

groups of people who were at the highest risk of becoming B12 deficient. Here is a list of the groups of people at risk. 1. consuming a purely vegan whole food diet 2. having gastric bypass surgery (e.g. for the treatment of obesity) 3. being over the age of 50 4. taking antacids to treat stomach ulcers, hiatus hernia or indigestion 5. suffering from alcohol dependency Essentially, each of these factors contribute to vitamin B12 deficiency and if you said ‘yes’ to more than one of the above, you have a VERY HIGH risk of being B12 deficient. How do I know if I’m vitamin B12 deficient? Ask your doctor for a blood test. Tell your doctor if you are taking folate tablets because folate can mask the anaemia seen in B12 deficiency. So, what if I’m vitamin B12 deficient? You could end up with anaemia, dementia or irreversible brain and nerve damage. How? Vitamin B12 belongs to the B vitamin family. It has seven siblings: B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, B7 and B9. A vitamin is defined as a carbon-containing compound that is essential for life but which GHG Disclaimer – please read

B vitamins like to play together. In other words, they have many food sources in common and their functions in the body are often interrelated. B12 is the largest and most complex of all vitamins. B vitamins are water-soluble which means if we consume too much of them, we excrete them in urine. If you’ve ever taken vitamin supplements and noticed that your urine is more yellowy-green than usual, you might be flushing money down the toilet - literally. Vitamin B12 was named ‘cobalamin’ because it contains the element cobalt. It can occur in several different forms and the human body can convert one form into another after consumption. B12 plays an essential role in proper functioning of the brain and nervous system, in formation of red blood cells and in metabolism of carbohydrates, proteins and fats. Consequently, B12 deficiency can result in: • a particular type of anaemia known as ‘megaloblastic macrocytic anaemia’ • irreversible brain and nerve damage - it can be reversed if diagnosed and treated early enough Symptoms of B12 deficiency can include: • feeling weak, fatigued and breathless • memory problems, confusion and forget fulness • depression SUBSCRIBE to GHG | 11

• headaches, dizziness or light headedness • pale skin • mania and psychosis • reduced appetite and weight loss • numbness and tingling in hands and feet How do I take B12 supplements if I need them?

Editor’s

Choice

NeuroSlimming It’s not what you eat, it’s why and how. by Dr Helena Popovic

B12 supplements come as tablets (often in multivitamin formulas which is fine), nasal gels and intramuscular injections. Ask your doctor to recommend the most appropriate form for you. Dr Helena Popovic is a medical doctor, leading authority on how to improve brain function, international speaker and best-selling author.

• Sets you free from dieting • A Mind Plan not a meal plan • Let your brain change your body • The missing piece in weight loss

Helena runs weight management retreats based on living not dieting, and is the author of the award-winning book ‘NeuroSlimming – let your brain change your body’. For more information, refer to Helena’s website. 12 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

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coliosis:

Adolescents & Adults

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Words Margarita Gurevich & Justin Balbir

Design Oleksandra Zuieva GHG Disclaimer â&#x20AC;&#x201C; please read

coliosis is a common condition in which a person’s spine develops an unnatural, lateral curvature. The curve

is usually ‘S’ or ‘C’ shaped and can affect the neck, upper and lower back as well as all three areas. It can have various physiological and cosmetic effects depending on the severity of the curves.

• pregnancy • incorrect and repetitive postures (e.g. during breastfeeding/lifting the baby) • incorrect and repetitive postures at work • carrying heavy bags (this is a particular risk factor for school students). An individual suffering from scoliosis will

There are different types of scoliosis,

likely have a noticeable muscle imbalance

some

the

when comparing one side to another – this

cause is not known) and some having

is especially true for areas surrounding the

identifiable causes.

spine, such as the pelvis, lower and upper

being

idiopathic

(where

back, shoulders and neck. Typically, scoliosis

Types of scoliosis. • Infantile idiopathic scoliosis – develops when the child is younger than two years old.

is associated with some level of back pain and discomfort, however this will vary between individuals. It is also common to experience a restriction in movement, particularly rotation

• Juvenile idiopathic scoliosis – develops

(turning the body from side to side).

between ages 2-10 years. • Adolescent develops

idiopathic during

scoliosis

adolescence.

– This

presentation is much more common in girls than boys. • Others – Congenital, neuromuscular and paralytic scoliosis. Adolescent scoliosis is the most common type of scoliosis seen. There is usually a family history of scoliosis but at present, there are no definite rules about inheritance of scoliosis. The curve tends to develop the most during the adolescent growth spurts, this being around 11-13 years of age for girls and 13-15 years for boys. Common

causes

scoliosis

progression include the following: GHG Disclaimer – please read

While scoliosis cannot be treated it is often possible, with the right

management,

to slow down & sometimes even

stop its’

progression. SUBSCRIBE to GHG | 15

possible, with the right management, to slow down and sometimes even stop its’ progression. In most cases it is possible to use conservative treatments. However, in some cases surgery is unavoidable. This will depend on the severity of the curvature. In some cases, adolescents will be advised to wear a brace during the period of fast growth of the individual. The first step is to have a thorough assessment to determine whether scoliosis is present and if so, how severe it is. X-Rays are generally used for this purpose. It is important to bear in mind, though, that what we see on an X-Ray and the way some individuals present, can be quite different. Often the X-Ray will look worse when a person has very good posture; the 16 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

...........................................................................

While scoliosis cannot be treated it is often

opposite can also apply where an individual looks worse cosmetically than on the X-Ray. Some of the most effective conservative treatment methods for scoliosis are LISTED BELOW. • Clinical Pilates • Electrotherapy • General physiotherapy (including soft tissue massage and mobilisations) • Specific home exercises • Schroth

method

which

includes

proprietary corrective breathing technique. A physiotherapist will typically perform a thorough full body diagnostic assessment before beginning a Clinical Pilates program, evaluating areas of weakness which need GHG Disclaimer – please read

gradually introduced, with a high value placed on proper technique and a good understanding of which muscles are being targeted. Clinical Pilates also incorporates many exercises to improve core muscle control, which in turn aids spinal stabilisation and improved posture. It is important to use Real Time Ultrasound to assess the strength and control of the core muscles. This way both the physiotherapist and the patient will be able to see the muscles working correctly. There is plenty of evidence which shows that exercise and movement are a great way to prevent and manage pain. As exercise programs are intended to be extremely

...................................................................

to be focused on. From here, exercises are

Margarita Gurevich is Senior Physiotherapist and uses Clinical Pilates, SCENAR Therapy & other evidence-based techniques, including Real Time Ultrasound and McKenzie Treatment. Margarita

specialises

sports

injuries,

women’s health (including incontinence) and gastrointestinal issues. Margarita may be contacted via her website.

Justin Balbir has a Bachelor of Health Sciences & Masters of Physiotherapy Practice. He has worked for five years as a sports trainer for the Ajax Football Club, with experience in softtissue massage & injury management. Justine specializes in manual therapy & sports injuries and may be contacted via website.

specific to the individual, it doesn’t matter what your fitness level is. Programs usually commence with an introduction to the equipment, outline of basic exercises and

Editor’s

Choice

goal-setting so that there is a clear plan in place. From there, progressions can be gradually made, until the point where exercise mobile body, rather than a treatment method.

NATURAL POSTURE for Pain-Free Living

In some cases, however, exercise is not enough

The Practice of Mindful Alignment.

is simply a form of maintenance for a healthy,

and other therapeutic methods are required

by Kathleen Porter

•

how to sit, stand, walk,

•

how to bend, get up from a chair,

•

12 physical exercises for posture

Electrotherapy treatment methods include

•

relief from chronic pain

interferential, ultrasound, SCENAR therapy

•

alignment of your body as a whole

to manage pain and discomfort associated with scoliosis. In these cases, electrotherapy and general physiotherapy are very effective.

and drug phoresis. As soon as the symptoms are under control the person should resume their exercise program as this is the best form of long term therapy for scoliosis. GHG Disclaimer – please read

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Stress Words Dr Suzanne Henwood

Part 2

moving on from

Design Olha Blagodir

the July edition of Great Health GuideTM, I

discussed

‘How

Perceive Stress’ Part 1 and I invited

you to become aware of your current thinking about stress – what it means to you and what you tell yourself about it. This article offers a four-step process to changing your internal meaning around stress. So, let’s explore that in a bit more depth. Close your eyes, think of whatever it is you are calling stress/stressful. As you bring that to mind, do you have a word, story, picture or feeling that helps you to know that you are stressed? Just spend five minutes getting as much detail as you can around that feeling. • What words come to mind? Write them down – all of them. • What story are you telling yourself? Is it about unfairness, injustice, lack of control – write the story down as if you were explaining it to someone else starting with, “It is like…”

Are you ready to let it go, recognising the dis-stress it is causing in your mind, heart and body? 1. If you are ready to let it go - and only if you are ready (it is a choice) – go through your list and change each one. On a new sheet of paper record the following: • What words would be more resourceful? Keep it true, so you can believe it. This is not about trivialising your experience or excusing poor behaviours, it is about reframing your experience, so it can be beneficial for you. • For every word that you have written down – offer an alternative way of looking at it and describing it. oo Anger - may become determination to do something about it. oo Stuck - may become taking time to make a very clear decision. oo Pressure - may become the driver needed to act. • Stay with it until you have an alternative

• What picture, metaphor or analogy describes

for every word and imagine, erasing the

‘stress’ to you most effectively? Write it down

old words in your mind and writing the

– or draw it, in such a way that someone else

new words or phrases where they used

can understand it and feel it too.

to be.

• What do you feel in your body and where do you feel it? Write it down. Now take a moment to decide whether that ‘stress’ is a useful resource to you in any way.

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2. Now look at the story. You may find with changing the words that the story has already changed. Using the new words, how does the story pan out? Rewrite the story using the new plot, putting you back in charge.

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can take absolute control of how we

react &

respond;

this

four-step

process

puts you

back in charge.

3. How has the picture/metaphor changed now? Do whatever you know will work for you to make it a positive, resourceful image. Will you be empowered, successful, joyful? You can choose the words and emotions you most want to feel. 4. Notice how the feelings have changed. Take a moment to notice your feelings and how they have changed because of the new words, a new story and a new picture. Make a mental note of how you can do this in the future with other situations. You can be the author of your own empowering in the moment and you now know where to find that new feeling again, instantaneously. This technique is powerful: it should not be used to tolerate poor situations or to put you at any risk. It can empower you to make positive changes to ensure that you are in control of your own response, to whatever situations arise. It is clear from the literature that stress is becoming a normal part of everyday life. Life is fast pace, uncertain, unpredictable and often like a roller coaster ride. We cannot change all of the world around us or how some people choose to act in the world. However, we can take absolute control of how we react and respond. Use this fourstep process to put yourself back in charge. By changing your perception of the stress in the moment (and when reflecting on difficult events) â&#x20AC;&#x201C; you can make wiser decisions on what needs to happen. GHG Disclaimer â&#x20AC;&#x201C; please read

• Do you voice concerns or breathe quietly? • Do you seek support and advice? • Do you support others? We always have a choice: This technique will help you create the space to see the choices available and make a wise response – just by changing your perception of the stress. By changing how we view stress, we can

...........................................

• Do you act or walk away?

massively reduce its’ opportunity to have a negative impact on our physical and mental wellbeing. That too is a choice.

Dr Suzanne Henwood is the Director and Lead Coach and Trainer of mBraining4Success. She is also the CEO of The Healthy Workplace and a Master Trainer and Master Coach of mBIT (Multiple Brain Integration Techniques) and can be contacted via her website.

‘The choices you make here and now are forever

important’ – Thomas Monson

FITNESS

itness Routine:

3 Mistakes Words Kat Millar

Design Olha Blagodir

re you exercising regularly, but still

Adding lean muscle to your body will not

not seeing the results you want? It

only improve your bone health, overall long-

may be time to assess your workout

term health, strength and look, but help you

to see if there are better ways to do it. Here are three of the most common mistakes that I see women make in their fitness routine.

burn fat faster than cardio alone. Even adding a small amount of muscle will increase your metabolism, because muscle is more active tissue than fat and uses up more calories just by being on your body.

Mistake 1: Not spending enough time

My recommendation: do a minimum of two

doing weights.

resistance training sessions every week,

Most females need to change some of their cardio workouts for resistance workouts.

with sufficient recovery time for each muscle group.

Many women often end up losing muscle

Mistake 2: Avoiding free weights or lifting

because they do more cardio than weights. As

too light.

a result, they can end up with a higher body fat percentage than they did before they started exercising.

Many women spend too much time on machines or using weights that are too light. To increase your strength and muscle tone,

I understand the fear of

it’s important to get

getting bulky and losing

‘comfortable’

your feminine look. I

heavier weights. Free

have personally trained

weights

hundreds of women and

better

I have only ever seen a

moves we do every

small handful of women

day. They strengthen

significantly

increase

the muscles we use

their muscle. This was

most often and help

usually due to lack of

us avoid injury.

cardio work and eating a very high-calorie diet.

Weight

using

generally mimic

the

machines,

on the other hand,

Women have around 1/50th the testosterone

usually focus on working one muscle group

levels as men and it’s hard to put on a large

at a time and they don’t always sufficiently

amount of muscle. Plus, it takes a very long

replicate the way we move during our daily

time. We are also losing a small percentage

lives. Also, most gym machines are usually

of our muscle every year, so we need to ‘use

designed to fit men’s bodies as they have a

it or lose it’.

longer limb and an extended reach.

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about others in the gym watching or judging you. This can hold you back from getting the results you deserve. For maximum efficiency in your workouts, perform totalbody exercises that involve combinations of squatting, bending, lunging, pushing, pulling and rotating. Before you start any new training program, it’s important to seek professional advice 26 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

.............................................

It’s important to let go of any insecurities

to ensure the exercises are suitable for you. Mistake 3: Putting too much emphasis on the scale or the mirror. If you use the scale as your guide to whether you’re ‘doing well’ or not and your weight is not budging – or worse, it goes up, it’s not going to do much for your motivation. Putting too much emphasis on how much you weigh GHG Disclaimer – please read

and disheartening. There are so many different factors that can affect what your weight will be, such as the time of day, water retention, clothing etc. Visible change in our body takes time and it helps to have other ways to measure our progress along the way, to stay motivated. Our focus should be on changing our daily habits and the things we can control; things that we can tick off every day. You may want to tick off a set number of reps performed, calories burned or how many push-ups completed in a week. This creates more of a positive focus and can feel very motivating. We feel a sense of achievement right from day one, rather than waiting to see the outcome of all our hard work, which can take time. Action Points: 1. Get a resistance training plan designed specifically for you – one that involves variation and progression.

.......................................................................................................

or how you look can often be discouraging

2. Hire an exercise professional who can properly teach you the correct form. 3. Set realistic goals and avoid the mental trap of relying on the scale as your only measurement. 4. Start with small goals that you can achieve and then gradually move to bigger goals. Now that you have specific action steps to move forward today and avoid these common mistakes, you can begin working smarter rather than harder towards optimal health and body composition.

Kat

Millar

owns

Get

Results

Training,

dedicated to helping people transform their health, mind & body. She’s a coach, speaker, award-winning

figure

competitor,

fitness

lecturer & NLP practitioner. Her passion helps people achieve life-changing results & fulfillment, with a range of programs for holistic health & body transformation. Contact via Kat’s website or Facebook.

Avoid these

common mistakes & begin

working

smarter not

GHG Disclaimer – please read

harder.

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Injuries

Tendon Words Michael Dermansky

Design Oleksandra Zuieva

espite the sophistication of sports

happen, when the load placed upon the

injury

sports

tendon causes damage, that is greater than

science, tendon injures are still a very

the repair and growth occurring at rest and

tough area to treat. Over the last fifteen years,

after exercise. When an imbalance occurs

the best-known approach for managing

between damage and repair, the tendon

tendon injuries has continued to change

breaks down.

management

and

and thus the best method of treatment is yet

2. Tendons break down at points where

to be defined. However, a large amount of

they are naturally compressed by bony

information on tendon injuries is understood

structures. For example, when the hip

and at present, certain treatment methods are

is flexed over 90 degrees or sitting cross

recommended for these injuries.

legged, the gluteus mediums tendon is

Tendon

compressed against the bone at the side

injures

require special

of the hip. Avoiding these positions is part of the process of managing tendon damage and pain. 3. Healing of tendons is slow. They do not heal well as they have a very poor blood supply. Thus, the treatment of

attention

the injured tendon requires a very well-

difficult to treat.

light while the tendon is healing. This

as they are very

1. Tendon injuries occur when there has

structured progression of exercises, such that the load placed on a tendon is very treatment must be carefully monitored and often begins with isometric exercises until such time as the tendon is pain free. Only then can regular exercises be carefully introduced.

been a fast change in how much work

4. It is very important to address all

the tendon must do. For example, if an

the bio-mechanical factors that add

exercise program is increased too rapidly,

additional load onto the tendon. For

such as, starting to run faster or more

example, the treatment in addressing

often, or if running up hills is added to the

an Achilles tendon injury, will also mean

program, the tendons are placed under

improving the strength and control of the

considerable stress. The tendons start to

hips and knees. This will aid in reducing

cause pain as the breakdown of the tendon

the load placed onto the tendon in the

occurs. These tendon injuries usually

long term.

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Because of complexity of rehabilitating a tendon after injury, I would highly recommend seeing

physiotherapist

exercise

physiologist who is familiar with tendon injuries for the best chance of recovery.

Michael

Dermansky

Physiotherapist

and

Senior

Managing

Director

of MD Health Pilates. Michael has over seventeen years’ experience of treating clients from all walks of life, from six-year-old children up to the age of 92. Michael can be contacted through his website.

Editor’s

Choice

EVERY WOMAN’S GUIDE TO FOOT PAIN RELIEF by Katy Bowman • O ne in four women suffer from debilitating foot pain • It affects other body parts: knees, hips, pelvis & spine • Foot pain isn’t just pain— it’s a symptom of serious problems • You can prevent pain in feet & lower legs • Fix your feet & halt the damage by choosing the right shoes to wear Paperback Published 2011

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mindset

Trapped

Fear Words Charmaine Roth

Design Oleksandra Zuieva

do something, or even contemplated doing something, yet have resisted.

We think of every excuse to keep ourselves in our comfort zone - and we miss opportunity after opportunity for engaging in activities which will reward us in some way and the result is that we feel trapped and bored. Fear is an emotion that is felt by all. It alerts us to danger. Research has shown that fear is divided into two responses: • the

biochemical

response

which

universal • the emotional response which is a personal response that can keep us immobolised. Here’s how fear can prevent you from taking action: 1. Insecurity. During

our

childhood,

receive

messages from our primary caregivers.

..............................................................................................

ow many times have we been asked to

Those messages are carried with us unconsciously. If we receive the message that we are inadequate in some respect, we will be filled with self-doubt, we will be lacking in confidence and we won’t attempt new things. We look at others with envy, believing that we can’t achieve the same. The antidote is to take small steps and find a mentor who can be trusted to guide you and challenge your deeply held view of yourself. 2. Blaming and complaining. Constant blaming and complaining is a perfect way to stay trapped. Complaining and criticising others for the situation you have found yourself in, keeps you from taking action towards change. Yes, there are things that can’t be controlled, but what you can control is your response. The ‘complainer’ stays in a pattern of inaction and places responsibility for their wellbeing onto others.

‘Inaction breeds doubt & fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home & think about it. Go out and get busy.’

…. Dale Carnegie

can use as a sounding board and who will encourage you to try something new - after all, if you keep doing the same, you will keep getting the same results.

Charmaine

Roth

experienced

Psychotherapist practicing in Sydney, Australia. Through safe, skilled conversation Charmaine works with individuals, couples and families. She assists her clients to become more aware of proactive behaviours and explore 3. Perfection. If I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not even going

new choices that will improve relationships. For more information refer to Charmaine’s

website.

to try. Perfectionists stay trapped because they can never reach the high bar they set for themselves. Many fear failure as it reinforces the negative view they hold of

Editor’s

Choice

themselves - after all if one is successful, it is easier to fail. Perfectionism is an illusion - what is achieved is enough! 4. ‘What if…’

The Confidence Gap by Dr Russ Harris

The ‘what if’ mantra is a prime example of inaction. Ruminating on thoughts such as ‘what if I work and the kids get sick’, ‘what if I present myself for a medical test and the result is positive’, can stop achievement. Instead of adopting a wait and see approach, the ruminator avoids action because the answer will always be negative and seemingly unsolvable. Don’t stay trapped - try something new, even if you really are unsure of what you want to do. Seek help to shift thinking patterns that no longer work for you. Find a mentor who you 34 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt • find solutions to low self-confidence, shyness & insecurity • check common misconceptions about what confidence is • build confidence & clarify core values • transform your relationship with fear & anxiety • use mindfulness to handle negative thoughts & feelings Paperback

Published 2011

RRP $31.95 Now $20.75 Booktopia may vary prices from those published. Postage $6.95 per order AUST/NZ

rauma : T Helping Friends

definition

trauma

deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Trauma covers a wide

variety of situations and for this article, I will not cover domestic abuse here because this topic needs specific support and training. Imagine dropping a pebble in a pond and watching the ripples move out until they

GHG Disclaimer â&#x20AC;&#x201C; please read

................................

Words Susie Flashman Jarvis

Design Oleksandra Zuieva

meet the edge of the pond. At the edge, the effect of the pebble is still apparent. Trauma has a similar effect, where the ripples can affect you as well as others. So here are a few ideas that can assist you when a friend is going through trauma. SUBSCRIBE to GHG | 35

1. Put on your own oxygen mask before you help another. It is important to try and ensure that you don’t suffer vicarious trauma. This is

Look for additional support for the both of you. That means suggesting and possibly researching the best support for the friend and getting advice for yourself.

second hand trauma that can occur when

• Locate therapeutic help. Check out local

someone relates a story to you and you

agencies that provide counselling and

feel it too personally. Therapists who

victim support. They should be able to

work very empathically with clients can

direct you to other agencies if they cannot

experience this and one of the ways they

help you themselves.

manage, is to have robust supervision

• Learn to listen not advise. It is a skill to

that provides them space to off-load

listen. Focus on what is being said rather

their burden. This helps them to separate

than trying to solve the situation. Be

themselves to a degree from the client.

present, look at your friend. It is okay to cry

Thus, it is vital that you don’t carry the

with them.

load alone. Ideally it would be better if you did not carry it at all but when it is a friend who is suffering, it is very hard to stand at arm’s length. 2. Remain balanced yourself. This ensures that you do not sink under the load by having more going on in your life. It is very important to: • Have fun and laughter that does not make you feel guilty. • Breathe deeply in fresh air to replenish you. • Rest, an active verb, is also vital to restore you when you have spent time with a traumatised person. • Read a good book that takes you out of this world and into an imaginary space is restorative too, as is a good film if you don’t want to read. 3. Walking with the wounded. 36 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

• Remember that you don’t know how they feel, so please don’t say you do. You may understand the situation but it can be very minimising to have their trauma compared to what had happened to someone else. 4. Give them what you have. If you are not balanced you will sink under the burden, so share the load (with their permission). It is okay to not be traumatised yourself. Often people feel bad that they are not suffering too, but if you are robust you may be able to provide them with balance; a place just to be without expectations. Provide a dinner or a film for the family. If they have children, just minding their children for a few hours, will be of great benefit. Sometimes traumatised people just need someone to turn up with a meal. It is hard to think straight when you are badly hurt. GHG Disclaimer – please read

even putting on a load of washing, helping them to shop or accompanying them to appointments can be invaluable. 5. You are enough. I

commenced

this

article

warning

against second hand trauma and advising against saying that you know how they feel. However, you do have an imagination and by putting your mind tentatively in a similar

.........................................

Normal activities can feel overwhelming. So

Susie Flashman Jarvis is an accredited counsellor, speaker and ambassador for the charity Restored working towards bringing an end to violence against women. Check out Susie’s latest radio interview here. Susie’s novel, At Therapy’s End, tackles the issue of domestic abuse. Susie is also an executive coach based in the UK and is available for skype sessions. Susie may be contacted via her website.

position, you will be able to imagine what they may need. • Someone at the end of the phone. • Someone to have coffee with. • Someone who will not fall under the burden, but will shoulder it safely with them. • Someone who will tell them that they are not alone and that the feelings are normal. • Someone who will suggest extra help if they need it. (find out about agencies, therapists, or even support groups) • Someone who will say nothing but just be with them. • Someone who will not judge or measure them. • Someone who is not afraid of their own feelings. I have worked for many years as a therapist and the first question I ask my clients is, ‘do you have any support?’ Those who have friends around them find the journey easier to bear. GHG Disclaimer – please read

Editor’s

Choice

WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS by Jan Yager How to deal with friends who betray, abandon or wound you. • find ideal friends • develop positive relationships • mend or end a friendship • recognise destructive friends • change friendships through social media Paperback Published 2002

Now $30.75 Booktopia may vary prices from those published. Postage $6.95 per order AUST/NZ

Body,

Love Your

Not Your Scales! Words Leanne Allen

Design Oleksandra Zuieva

to weigh themselves so often and become so attached to their

scales? There is only one answer and that is the media who perpetrate â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;the body rulesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. Imagine a world where you and everyone else, loved their bodies. Imagine if no one told you that you are two kilos or 20 kilos overweight and therefore you are somehow less than perfect. Imagine if you could accept that whatever your body shape is, you have a right to feel accepted, loved and respected. Imagine if today could be the day that you made the decision not to let your scales dictate what you did with your day and instead you decided to accept, love and respect yourself? You ate well because you enjoy food and because you cherish your body. You choose to eat well because you love yourself and not because someone tells you that you should. Imagine the day that you looked in the mirror and noticed that your body is an amazing vessel that works in sync; it breaths, sees, hears, smells and feels without you doing too much. Your heart pumps automatically without you doing anything! It all works perfectly in beautiful harmony. And with

.....................................................................................................................

hy is it that so many people need

this harmony comes the possibility of loving who you are and letting go of the harsh criticisms. As a psychologist, unfortunately I see all too often where this is not the case. People, including men, women and sadly children, tend to measure their sense of worth based on how slim they are. And this is very clearly perpetuated by media and body shaming. Get started on your journey to love yourself and not your scales. Here are some tips to help you: 1. Put the scales away. Somewhere that is not too easy to get them out. It might be hard at first, but give it a few days and the habit of daily weighing will disappear. 2. Eat healthy food and notice how you feel after. Do you feel that you have given your body fuel to go? Let go of the notion of healthy food as being a punishment or chore, instead you are rewarding yourself by loving your body rather than sabotaging yourself! Evidence shows that what you put into your body affects your mental health too.

People tend to measure their sense of worth based on how slim they are.

6. Remember no one is perfect. Even with photo-shop, layers of makeup, professional stylists and snap chat, underneath all those filters is a real person with real imperfections. 7. Start the revolution of loving your own body. You must also let go of the criticism of other people’s bodies. No more body shaming, no more comments born from jealousy or envy, just allow love into your body and mind for everybody. As Ed Sheeran says you are ‘perfect imperfection!’ If you give these tips a go and find a lot of emotion stirring, or you just can’t do it, you

3. Treat yourself occasionally. This is important however don’t use food as a reward. Rather choose the food simply because you enjoy it and choose to eat it that day. 4. Avoid food that does not agree with you. Make a note to yourself to respect your body and avoid that food next time This can be very challenging especially if it’s a food you love, but it is worth it! 5. Look in the mirror and notice at least five things that you like about your body. Be very specific. ‘I love my skin, I love my eyelashes, I love my breasts, I love the way my waist curves, I love my fingernails’. Notice how it feels to focus on what you DO love and not on what you DON’T love. 40 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

..............................................................................

may wish to talk to a professional psychologist, counsellor or coach in your area. Personal body shaming can often reflect self-worth and it does not have to be that way. In fact, with the right help you can truly learn to love the body that you are in…or at least like it!

Leanne Allen (BA Psych), Is the principle psychologist at Reconnect Psychology and Coaching Services with two offices, one in Riverstone and Windsor area (www.

reconnect-psych.com.au). She has trained in Sandplay Therapy, NLP and CBT. Leanne has also just completed training as a life coach. Her approach is to look forward while releasing the trauma of the past. If there is something that you would like to know about please feel free to leave a comment on her Facebook GHG Disclaimer – please read

Personal

Dating brand Words Melanie Schilling

Design Oleksandra Zuieva

hat

Lady

Gaga,

Sarina

Williams and Will Smith have in common?

Apart from being high profile individuals, they all have clearly defined personal brands. Love them or loathe them, you probably have an opinion about each of these people. They know who they are and they are forthright in communicating their messages to the world. Personal branding has become a popular area of focus in our careers and business life, but what about our dating life? There is a fantastic opportunity here to learn from (some) celebrities and high-profile business people and apply this to the way we operate in our personal lives. What is a personal brand? Your brand is made up of two components: 1. The way to present yourself to the world. 2. The way others perceive you. Whilst you have no control over how people perceive you, you certainly can have influence over the way you look, act, communicate and behave in your dating life. Whether we chose to or not, we are constantly communicating our brand to the world. When this is an unconscious thing, we can be unaware of the messages that we are sending or the way others are perceiving us. This can be potentially disastrous on a date. With a big dose of self-awareness and these two simple steps, you can become conscious about your

‘Personal brand is what people say about you when you leave the room.’ - Jeff Bezos, Founder, Amazon.com 1. Define Your Brand It’s important to become very clear about who you are. A simple way to define and remember, the essence of your personal brand is to apply this 3-word formula: I. First word is your highest value, e.g. honesty II. Second word is your lifestyle preference, e.g. adventurous III. Third word is your personality style, e.g. outgoing Let’s apply this to Lady Gaga. She may have a 3-word brand that looks something like this: equality, busy, spontaneous. Sarina Williams may be something like: health, active, assertive.

brand and have more influence over the way

To apply this formula to yourself, use these

others see you.

questions as a guide:

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SUBSCRIBE to GHG | 43

you in the world? If this thing was missing, life would be meaningless. This is the thing that defines who you are and underpins everything you do in life. • Lifestyle – how would you describe the way you like to live? Are you a home-body, a world traveller, a hard-worker? • Personality – what type of personality do you have? Are you outgoing, shy, friendly, 44 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

...........................................

• Value – what is the most important thing to

funny? Be sure to choose a word that reflects your strengths rather than weaknesses. 2. Communicate Your Brand Once you are clear on the definition of your personal brand, there are three key ways to communicate this to the dating world. I. Written. Your online profiles and social media accounts are the perfect places to reflect GHG Disclaimer – please read

your 3-word brand. Find a way to weave your 3 words into your profile and notice what happens. You can also align your emails

and

instant

messaging

with

your brand to ensure you are sending

90% of our message is communicated

non-verbally

consistent messages. II. Verbal. When speaking with dates on the phone and in person, remember who you are and the way you want to be perceived. It’s a good idea to think about a story from your life that demonstrates each of your 3 words. If you can tell each of these stories on a date, you’ll be confident that you have shown the best version of yourself.

such as dinner with close friends or family. This way, it will be safe to make mistakes and hopefully, they will give you some honest feedback. 3. What if you make a branding blunder? We are all human and don’t always behave in consistent ways. It’s very common to make

III. Non-verbal.

branding blunders or to do or say something

This one is a bit harder to manage as most of our non-verbal communication

that sends the wrong message. The good news is you can recover!

happens unconsciously. However, with

It’s not about the mistake you make, but how

a little practice and some feedback

you manage the aftermath.

from a trusted friend, you can start to become more aware of the messages you are sending non-verbally. Research suggests that up to 90% of our messages are

communicated

non-verbally

The best advice is to recognise in a direct and honest fashion your mistake and to show some integrity and humility.

it’s important to make sure your body language is consistent with your brand. For instance, if your highest value is honesty or openness, but you are demonstrating

closed

defensive

body language, you may be sending inconsistent messages.

Melanie Schilling is a psychologist and dating coach, regularly contributing to Channel 10, Channel 9, print and online publications. In 2014, Melanie was appointed Dating and Relationship Expert for eHarmony, Australia has worked across the Asia-Pacific and Middle

It’s a good idea to practice communicating

Eastern Regions. Melanie may be contacted

your 3-word brand in ‘low stakes environments’

via her website.

GHG Disclaimer – please read

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REAm

KILLERS

Your highest hope, biggest challenge, best possible outcome for your work, relationship and/or life. There are two kinds of dream-killers. The internal killers and the external killers. Both of them are dangerous to your aliveness and your consciousness. 46 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

....................................

What is a dream?

Words Dr Matthew Anderson

Design Oleksandra Zuieva

Part 1: External Dream Killers These are usually people who care about you, at least to some degree. Sometimes they can actually be parents or spouses and often they are our friends. They say they ‘want the best for you’ but they all share the following characteristics. 1. They

support

and

encourage

your

GHG Disclaimer – please read

fears. They often validate your fears by

Take a look at all your relationships and identify

directly or indirectly telling you that you are

the dream killers. Then do everything you can

not capable of overcoming the obstacles

to set physical and/or emotional boundaries

or dangers between you and your dreams.

with them. Do not allow them to influence

EXTERNAL

DREAM KILLERS SELDOM

EXPECT YOU

TO RISE TO YOUR

POTENTIAL.

your decision making. Do not allow them to give you their repeated opinions about your future, your potential or your life options. If you are married to a dream killer, you will need to confront your spouse about this problem. If you make no progress then you will do best to go for marriage counseling. Dream killing can ruin or end a marriage if it is not attended to. If your parents are dream killers, then you will have to find ways to avoid dream related subjects or confront them and demand that they refrain from any judgmental comments about your potential and options. Do not avoid dealing with this one even though it may be extremely difficult for you. Parental influence is powerful and life shaping even if you are an adult.

2. They support your smallness. They seldom demand or expect you to rise to your highest possibility or potential. They seem happiest with you when you are playing it safe and small. 3. They live small, unconscious lives and never challenge themselves to wake up or grow. 4. When you share your dreams with them, they have simple or silly reactions. 5. They are unable or unwilling to see and encourage you to explore and share what is special and valuable in you. GHG Disclaimer – please read

Homework. 1. Make Dream

list

Killers

all in

the

External

your

life.

Be honest with yourself. 2. Decide how to confront or avoid each

person

the

list

above.

This is a crucial part of realizing your dreams. It can be difficult but the payoffs are significant. The costs of not doing this step are devastating. 3. Once you have identified and dealt with your dream killers then you need SUBSCRIBE to GHG | 47

If you avoid

confronting the issue, you may

lose

your

dream. to replace them. Replace them with one or more individuals who see your gifts and encourage you to live into and up to them. We all need cheerleaders. Go find yours. They are out there and they will be happy to celebrate

Editor’s

Choice

The Power of a Positive Mom by Karol Ladd

you and your dreams. In my following article, I will discuss Part 2: Internal Dream Killers.

Building Your Home with Encouragement & Love • Bullying • Social media

Dr Matthew Anderson, Doctor of Ministry

• Phones & tablets

specializes in counselling. He has extensive

• Setting boundaries

training and experience in Gestalt and

• Single parenting

Jungian Psychology and has helped many

A life-changing book for ever-day parenting

people successfully navigate relationship issues. Dr Anderson has a best-selling book, ‘The Resurrection of Romance’ and he may be contacted via his website. 48 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

Paperback Published 2015

RRP $31.99 Now $29.50 Booktopia may vary prices from those published. Postage $6.95 per order AUST/NZ

IMPACT

Your Story? What is Words Terry Sidford

Design Oleksandra Zuieva

I was looking at my life story as a victim & thought I had no choice ...but I did. people have told stories. Stories

help

make

sense

of the world and even life itself, conveying an understanding of daily events or things learned from others or ourselves. I believe stories can be very powerful, inspiring others to share and feel united in ways never expected. In my book, One Hundred Hearts, I gathered 100 surveys on the subject of courage from 100 women. I was astounded by readers’ responses, noting how they felt less alone and perhaps shared their own stories for the first time. However, I also believe we do not need to be defined by our stories; they are just stories. In my personal experience, by changing my feelings in my story it ultimately changed my life and the people in it. As a child, I thought I could fix anything but my mother’s drinking, my parents’ divorce and their bitter feelings towards each other I could not change. I thought I had a deepseeded flaw. So, I went to school pretending to be happy. I figured that if I pretended GHG Disclaimer – please read

...........................................................................................................

long as language has existed

well enough, no one would see my extreme sadness. I was sure no one would understand and I believed that I was the ONLY one experiencing this. I began using my childhood story as an excuse to not show up fully and be seen. I used it to back up why I never finished college, why my body wasn’t perfect, why I let relationships define me and why I didn’t see myself as pretty. The list goes on. Although safe in my cocoon, people saw the crack of vulnerability leaking through. Everything changed on the day I visited a wise lady who was recommended to me by a close friend. As she explained that my perception did not need to be my reality, I felt a paradigm shift. She noted the people in my past never wanted to hurt me and they were hurting worse than I was. They needed my unconditional love and understanding. I knew from the depths of my soul that she was right. I was looking at my life story as a victim and thought that I had no choice but to live with this feeling my entire life. I finally had the opportunity to show my pain and the SUBSCRIBE to GHG | 51

Here are some tips on creating your own story with some simple questions. • If you were the filmmaker of your life, what would the title be? • If you were the writer of your life, what is the name of your book? • What chapter are you living in now? • What is the next chapter going to be?

Terry Sidford has been a certified life coach in the United States for the past 15 years and .............

“Maybe stories are just data with a soul.”

has assisted scores of people in achieving their dreams. More information is available from Terry’s website

Editor’s

Choice

- Brene Brown complete truth of who I am rather than hide my pain and pretend. This shift pointed me to my own strength and essence of who I am. Now I am being seen and heard for who I

Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Power of Forgiveness

by Amy Newmark & Prof Anthony Anderson

How to Let Go & Change Your Life.

am and not for my old story. I now tell people

• fi nd the power of forgiveness

how lucky I am for my past, because it made

• free yourself by forgiving

me who I am today. It lets the people in my life

• improve your wellbeing

be seen and heard for who they were and not

• repair relationships

defined by my old story.

• b enefit from letting go of anger

I realized that we all have real stories, but by

Paperback

Published 2015

making peace with our past, we are free to be present in this moment and create our own story going forward. 52 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

Now $21.98 Booktopia may vary prices from those published. Postage $6.95 per order AUST/NZ

Kidz Matters

When

ids K donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t listen Words Deb Hopper

Design Oleksandra Zuieva

ow many parents complain that their

you, turn off the distraction if needed and ask

kids just don’t listen to what they are

them to repeat your question back to you, or

saying? Kids not listening can be

at least say ‘OK Mum/Dad’.

very frustrating for parents from day to day. There are many reasons why kids struggle to listen or pretend not to listen and many ways to reduce this frustration between parents and children. Children might not respond in conversation for three main reasons.

screens, TV, iPad, video game etc.

difficulties. exhibiting

behaviour

passive

aggressive reaction? Many

children

develop

passive

aggressive behaviours, which are one way for them to exert control over their environment (including people) when they may be feeling

you call to him, he ignores you and makes you come upstairs to talk to him. It’s a way

2. They have hearing or auditory processing

are

the

angry or anxious. This might look like when

1. They could be distracted especially by

3. They

2. Decode

passive

aggressive reaction or hidden anger towards the speaker, or anxiety about something happening. Here are five tips for understanding and working with children when they are not listening or who pretend not to hear when you talk to them. 1. Decode the behaviour - distraction? One of the first steps in understanding why a child may be pretending not to hear is to understand WHY they appear not to be listening. Are they simply distracted by watching TV, playing a game on the iPad, or reading a book? Is their attention elsewhere? Often, distraction is the reason why children appear not to respond to questions or instructions.

for children to have control over others, perhaps when they are feeling out of control or anxious. Kids not listening may be a sign that they aren’t coping and they are asking for help. Tip: Sit and have a chat about what’s happening for them. Is there an assignment he is worried about or is she having difficulties with friends at school? 3. Make

sure

children

have

good

boundaries. Children

feel

safer

when

they

have

clear boundaries and expectations for behaviour at home and school. Have clear expectations for jobs around the house (even for toddlers). Ensure they understand the expectations for homework and even the tone of voice they use to speak to you. Children need to understand the rules of what is expected and the consequences of what will happen if these goals are

Tip: Before speaking, make sure you have

not met. Children not listening may not

a child’s active attention. Ask them to look at

have a good sense of boundaries (and

GHG Disclaimer – please read

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and their roles at home and/or school. Be gentle and loving, yet firm. If you talk about consequences stay firm in following through.Â 4. Keep instructions simple. Many children, especially if they are young or have underlying learning difficulties, have trouble following too many directions at once. Break down your instructions or requests into smaller steps. Rather than asking them to put their clothes in their room, brush their teeth and put their lunch in their bag, ask them to do one activity at a time. If they understand and remember what to do, they wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be overwhelmed by the request (sometimes resulting in feeling

.........................................................................

therefore not feel safe) within themselves

Open-ended questions are invitations

to say more and allow

invitations

for back & forth

communication.

Editor’s

Choice

overwhelmed or anxious) and are more likely to respond verbally to your request. Kids not listening can sometimes be the brain being overwhelmed by instructions

REDUCING MELTDOWNS & IMPROVING CONCENTRATION:

and shutting down, making it look like they are not listening.

The Just Right Kids Technique by Deb Hopper

5. Monitor your tone of voice and ask open

Teach your child:

ended questions. If your child is not listening, reduce

• to understand & recognise emotions

distractions and communicate again with

• to learn to control emotions & behaviour

them being mindful that your voice is

• to reduce tantrums & meltdowns

not raising in frustration or increasing in volume. Keep a calm and gentle voice.

• to be able to sit in class, listen & learn

Once you have their attention ask open-

• to feel happy, safe & emotionally secure

ended questions rather than yes or no answer questions. Open-ended questions

PLUS: FREE “Just Right Kids” Circle Self-regulation model to print & stick on your fridge & BONUS of Deb’s web training videos.

are invitations to say more and allows

Paperback

children to share their ideas and feelings

Published 2016

RRP $21.95 Now $20.80

while providing the opportunity for back and forth communication.

Booktopia may vary prices from those published. Postage $6.95 per order AUST/NZ

appear to pretend not to hear can be very frustrating for both the adult and the child involved. The adult wants to communicate and must understand where the child is at, while keeping the routine moving. The child may be bothered by being interrupted from their favourite TV show or being interrupted in the middle of a game. This is very understandable. The above five tips can help to increase understanding for adults about dynamics and reasons why kids may struggle to listen but also provides some easy to implement strategies for making life easier. GHG Disclaimer – please read

.........................................................

Children who are not listening or who

Deb Hopper, Occupational Therapist, author & workshop presenter. Deb is passionate about empowering parents and educators to understand the underlying reasons of why children struggle with behaviour, self-esteem and sensory processing difficulties. As a practicing, Occupational

Therapist,

she

understands

the daily struggles that children, parents and teachers face. Deb is the co-author of the CD

Sensory Songs for Tots, and author of Reducing Meltdowns and Improving Concentration: The Just Right Kids Technique. Deb is available for clinic & phone/Skype consultations (02 6555 9877) & can be reached on her website. SUBSCRIBE to GHG | 57

Emotionally

ntelligent

knowledge is power, then emotional intelligence is the fuel that keeps our system operating. Emotional

intelligence is integral to success in every area of life, from education and productivity, to relationships and self-esteem. Emotionally intelligent people have several distinct qualities such as empathy for others, 58 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

Words Dr Ash Nayate

................................

kids

Part 1 Design Oleksandra Zuieva

self-awareness and flexible thinking. This gives them unique insight into the complexities of life and makes them more resilient to challenges. The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learned. In fact, it begins at a very young age from when our children start to recognise themselves (and their thoughts and feelings) as distinct from those around them. GHG Disclaimer – please read

Children

With a richer vocabulary, children are more

learn

precisely able to identify their feelings, which enables specific corrective actions to be taken. For example, when children

through

watching,

not by

to accomplish something), they can take the roadblock. By contrast, a general description of ‘I feel bad’ is too vague to

they watch

identify a clear source of action and can leave them (and us) guessing as to how to

intensely

find a resolution.

to see how we handle our

emotions.

Children learn through watching, not by listening. The way we manage our emotions we eat chocolate to deal with frustration,

opportunity to nurture the way our children intelligence

2. Be a role model.

will provide them with a ‘how-to’ guide. If

As caregivers, we have a tremendous emotional

is due to feeling thwarted in their efforts specific actions to resolve or remove

listening;

develop

recognise that they feel ‘frustrated’ (which

they

traverse childhood. And interestingly, it’s our day to day interactions with them that have the most impact. Here are a few ways in which children learn from their surrounds. 1. Discovery. Children learn language at a phenomenal rate, including the words that represent the spectrum of human emotions. Over time, the generic descriptions of feeling ‘good’ and ‘bad’ gradually give way to a richer vocabulary

they may learn that eating chocolate is an appropriate solution. Or, they may make the connection between food and emotions and learn to use food (or withdraw from food) to deal with their feelings. This is not to suggest that perfection should be our goal, because I believe it’s important to acknowledge that we’re only human and bound to make errors in judgement. It’s what we consistently do, that matters. Occasionally eating chocolate when we’re frustrated isn’t the issue - but if we turn to chocolate most of the time, then perhaps it’s worthwhile choosing a different strategy.

such as feeling ‘angry’, ‘excited’, ‘scared’,

It can be useful to ask ourselves, ‘do I want my

‘annoyed’, etc.

child to handle their feelings in this way?’ If

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factors in raising emotionally intelligent children – stay tuned.

Dr Ash Nayate is a clinical neuropsychologist specializing in brain function and resulting behaviour. Ash has almost 15 years’ experience working with children and families, supporting them to feel happier, more confident and resilient. To contact Ash please visit her

website.

the answer is ‘no’, then it’s time for us to flex our own emotional intelligence muscles and develop some new habits.

Editor’s

Choice

3. Show and tell. Our children have an uncanny ability to know when we’re feeling discomfort, like anger, sadness, or stress - although they’re not always able to put words to our emotions. They then

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman & Joan DeClaire

Teaching children to understand & regulate their emotional world.

watch intensely to see how we handle those

• Be aware of a child’s emotions

emotions.

• Recognize emotional expression

It can be useful for us to provide a clear

• Provide an opportunity for intimacy & teaching

explanation of the connection between our feelings and the healthy way we choose to cope with them. For example, ‘I’m feeling really annoyed, so I’m going to get a drink of water and take a break for a few minutes’. By putting words to our feelings and actions, our children develop a repertoire of healthy

• Listen empathetically & validate a child’s feelings • Label emotions in words a child can understand • Help a child find an appropriate way to solve a problem Paperback Published 1998

coping strategies for their own feelings. In next issue of Great Health GuideTM I will continue to discuss the last two important 60 | SUBSCRIBE to GHG

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‘Always go with the choice that scares you most, because that’s the one that is going to require the most from you’ – Caroline Myss