The Collegian - April 1, 2022

Lacrosseword

No more open hours

Jack Sparrow who?

PERSPECTIVES

COMMUNITY

ENTERTAINMENT

The only words are ‘dude’ and ‘chicks’

The

@Collegian_GCC @gcc.collegian The Collegian: The GCC Newspaper

Hicks, Memorial and MAP to become co-ed

90 percent of Grovers can’t ID Johnny Depp

Foolegian The Best Newspaper on Campus

Friday, April 1, 2022

AOC at GCC

Hicks wins ‘Best Cuisine’

2022 commencement speaker announced Ayden Gutierrez News Editor

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a Democratic United States Representative for the 14th congressional district of New York, will speak at Grove City College’s 142nd Commencement. The speech will be AOC’s first time addressing a conservative-dominant crowd.

The college has been a longstanding representative for faith and freedom, specifically being rooted in conservative politics, economics and Christianity. The college has had a number of high-profile Republican politicians speak at commencement over the last few years – Ben Carson, Mike Pence, Ben Sasse and a Fox News host who used to work for George W. Bush.

“We’ve had dozens of Republicans speaking at commencement over the years … this is a chance to demonstrate that we’re fair and balanced with our grad speak-

Noel Elvin

ers,” a college spokesman said.

The choice may seem an odd one for the college, one of America’s most conservative Colleges, but the liberal firebrand best known for defunding the police and trying to build back better says she’s thrilled to speak to graduating Grovers.

“I’ve never heard of Grove City College, but I’m sure this audience will be very receptive to my slate of issues,” she told The Collegian.

“Ocasio2018 was a campaign that brought New Yorkers together to champion the needs of working families in the Bronx and Queens. Ocasiocommencement-2022 will bring me and the people of Grove City together as we discuss dignified healthcare, tuition-free higher education, quality employment and justice for all. I hate corporate money, and this place

Community & Entertainment Editor

AOC 11

Immortalizing Kitty Purry David Zimmermann Editor-in-Chief

Two springs ago, all of us lost something or someone – personal interactions with professors and fellow students in class, time in the close-knit community Grove City College is known for and maybe you haven’t seen a friend since they graduated.

Whatever it was, 2020 was the year that took and took and took… and gave nothing in return.

Perhaps the most devastating news (to those of us who got the chance to know her) was the loss of Kitty Purry, the beloved campus cat.

Many of us, when return-

ing to campus in the fall of 2020, looked forward to reuniting with our furry friend but were saddened when there was no sight of her.

No longer did she stalk the campus squirrels to eat her meals nor jump into the first-floor dorm windows to make new friends.

Kitty Purry was a source of joy to the students and faculty who encountered her during her short time here.

But oh, fret no more, dear Grover.

To memorialize the legacy of the cat, the myth, the legend, the senior class of 2022 should replace its current parting gift (of the word “GROVE”) with a sixty-cubit high, six-cubit wide statue of Kitty Purry.

Rather than sculpt the

Vol. 107, No. 18

statue out of one metal alloy such as bronze, why not take inspiration from the Nebuchadnezzar statue in Daniel 2?

This way, the statue can be made of gold, silver, bronze, iron and clay – each material representing the five campus values of faithfulness, excellence, community, stewardship and independence.

“This image, mighty and of exceeding brightness, stood before you, and its appearance was frightening. The head of this image (and its whiskers were) of fine gold, its chest and (forelegs) of silver, its (belly) and thighs of bronze, its (hind legs) of iron, its (paws) partly of iron and partly of clay.”

To find an ideal location where the whole campus

can behold Kitty Purry’s awesomeness, the college should replace the American flagpole on the quad with this modern colossus looming over Wolf Creek, her former feeding ground.

A nice addition to this immaculate statue would be a “Try me” button on its nose 90 feet in the air.

If someone dares climb Kitty Purry and smacks the button, a 125-decibel “meow” would echo through Grove City’s campus and into town.

The speakers would be installed on the side of Rockwell Tower.

What better way to honor our old feline friend than give her a statue taller than all the other buildings on campus?

Hicks Cafe won the “Best Cuisine” award at the Western Pennsylvania Cuisine Award Show last Saturday night.

Guy Fieri, a TV host on the Food Network, was thrilled to present the award to Jack Colby, general manager of Bon Appetit at the college.

“It is my joy to find hidden gems of the cuisine world, especially when they’re close to home,” Fieri said.

Colby expressed his appreciation for this award: “Both I and our staff are thankful for this recognition and appreciation, as we have worked day and night to get Hicks up to this status.”

Sophomore Morgan Zuccola, a dessert runner at Hicks, said, “I’m extremely proud of Hicks, especially the bakery, for stepping up their game and beginning to cut the cakes and brownies into triangles instead of squares so that people will grab more and eliminate food waste.”

Students are slightly confused by this award, and many are wondering if they possibly missed a good meal at Hicks last week.

“There are occasionally strawberries at the yogurt bar and cinnamon butter at the bread station,” sophomore Annie Wood said. “Maybe they served those the day the judges visited campus and I missed it.”

Surprisingly, when the award was announced, Fieri didn’t mention cinnamon butter or strawberries, but instead Hicks’s famous chicken, rice and sauteed greens were the deciding factor.

“At first taste, I was very taken aback by how dry and bland the chicken was,” Fieri said, “but once I drowned it in ranch dressing, it was a novelty.”

Fieri continued to expound on their cuisine, saying that Hicks Bon Appetit won the “Best Cuisine” award for their ability not to undercook food and find useful ways to reuse leftovers, such as sauteing old salad and using leftover mac and cheese to garnish the pizza.

Although judges, including Fieri, had to pay $10 for admittance into Hicks Café, they were pleasantly surprised by the unlimited options spread throughout the cafeteria.

“Who knew college cafeteria food could be so exquisite,” judge Cherry Jones exclaimed, mentioning the astute attention to detail regarding the shape of desserts.

After hearing of the announcement, tourists and food connoisseurs are coming from near and far to the small town of Grove City to experience the fine cuisine of Hicks Café, facing and embracing the noon-time rush.

Fake News

Page 2

The Foolegian, April 1, 2022

DISCLAIMER:

This is our April Fools’ issue. We hope we have entertained you with some obviously fake news this week. We apologize in advance for any unintentional insult or offense that may have been caused. That which is presented on pages 1, 2, 11 and 12 is a joke. The real news is contained within pages 3-10.

Thank you for your understanding in this trying time.

SchoonDog wins Student Keystone Media Award Grace David Photo Chief

Recently, The Collegian was presented with five Student Keystone Media Awards in honor of the work completed in the past year.

These five awards span across four categories, from news coverage to photography.

The Collegian spring 2021 staff was awarded with first place in “Ongoing News Coverage” for following COVID on campus in 2021. Isaac Willour, a Perspectives staff writer, took second place in the Column category for his articles “Vaccines should not split our communities,” “What makes a culture of life?” and “The cognitive dissonance of athletic idolatry.”

The remaining three out of five awards won by the college are attributed to The Collegian’s previous photo chief, SchoonDog. With his continuous hard work and dedication to his craft, SchoonDog

is properly recognized with these well-earned awards.

SchoonDog’s photo for the lacrosse fundraiser game in October was awarded first place in the Sports Photos category. The photo, displayed above, captures the crisp subject perfectly in action.

His photo of the football whiteout game in September was the honorable mention in the same category, while the final award was given to SchoonDog’s second place winner, a feature photo called “Orange Sparks.”

The award winner is wellknown across campus for his feats in the art of photography.

Surprisingly, his talent was more of a recent realization.

He describes how he found no interest in art for the majority of his life and would often much rather be doing other things.

He said, “I never liked art as a kid. I distinctly remember how my mom made me visit the Carnegie Museum of

This award-winning shot is typical of SchoonDog’s award-winning photography.

Art during the turkey hunting season. I was probably one of the most upset kids that day.”

However, SchoonDog found his strong appreciation for the art of photography three years ago as a new student on campus. “During my freshman year, I took a photography class with Pro-

Design Chief

DAVID ZIMMERMANN

Foolegian Staff Editor-in-Chief

Business Manager

Managing Editor

Copy Editors

David Zimmermann Caleb West

Section Editors News Ayden Gutierrez

Community & Entertainment Noel Elvin

Kathryn Miller

Claire Josey Eve Lee Andrew Marston Lauren Ness Ashley Ostrowski David Smith Syd Travis

Staff Writers

Emily Rupczewski

Nick Grasso Emma Rossi Connor Schlosser Sarah Soltis Isaac Willour Emma Whiteford

Photo Chief

Staff Photographers

Perspectives Clark Mummau

Sports

Grace David

Design Chief Chris Murphy

Copy Chief

Joanna Thorpe

Mia Campagna Lydia Gilanshah Eve Lee Matthew Schoonover Caleb Warrick

Staff Adviser

Nick Hildebrand

The Collegian is the student newspaper of Grove City College, located in Grove City, Pa. Opinions appearing on these pages, unless expressly stated otherwise, represent the views of individual writers. They are not the collective views of The Collegian, its staff or Grove City College.

and this is exactly what his award-winning photos accomplish here.

As SchoonDog graduates this year and takes his spectacular photography with him off campus, you can follow him on Instagram at schoon.dog to follow the next chapter in his artistic journey.

Literally nothing noteworthy happens at the Oscars whatsoever Chris Murphy

Collegian News Editor Ayden Gutierrez defends the newspaper’s honor after reading this story. Design Chief Chris Murphy said he would not press charges.

fessor Gregory Bandy. The rest is history, and I owe it all to God.” SchoonDog enjoys showing the authenticity of life in his artwork, which is a large part of why he enjoys photography so much. The goal of his striking work is to “replicate the feeling of the actual event” that was captured —

SCHOONDOG

After waiting another long year for the highly anticipated 94th Academy Awards Ceremony, viewers were surprised and disappointed to tune in to a whole lot of bupkis.

Given the excitement of the previous Oscars wherein “Nomadland” won the Best Picture category, moviegoers around the world were eagerly waiting for the next ceremony. The result: nada.

Even featuring the gutbusting Amy Schumer as host and big winners such as the talented Jessica Chastain, alongside the respectable Will Smith and sensitive comedian Chris Rock, there just was not much to write home about.

Senior Levi Cerra, a longtime watcher of the cer-

emony, said, “I usually tape the awards because I get so passionate about the moviemaking process. It’s great to see such marvels of the industry receive the recognition they deserve. But this year, for whatever reason, I had to just turn it off and open up MATLAB again; I was so bored.”

I only made it through the first 30 minutes of the show before I personally had to turn it off, but from everything I have heard about the event, I really did not miss much.

Similar reports made their way across campus. Lux Mea’s organizers allegedly left the Breen Student Union Great Room in a dejected state. While this may be due to the overwhelming amount of “affection” present postopen hours, the timetable seems to imply something significantly less horrifying.

In an interesting twist, the ceremony’s history of social justice efforts did not carry over into this year. As such, members of the vast conservative population of the college found the show to be “a refreshing shift from the incessant drama flooding Hollywood” according to the Institute for Faith and Freedom’s “Liberty Mail” student talk show. I can only imagine how our great forefather, Ronald Reagan, would have enjoyed the borefest.

With movies such as “Morbius” and “Minions: The Rise of Gru” to be releasing before the next ceremony, the industry can only pray that justice will be served for the abhorrent nothingness that was on display from the Dolby Theater.

Hopefully, the ceremony next year will have a bit more of a punch to it.

This week in history...

Rabid squirrels, raging waters, oh my!

April 1,1980 Pest Control runs in fear

Grove City Borough’s Pest Control stormed off Grove City College’s campus after a scurry of squirrels attacked four members of the force. Students who witnessed the event commented on the incident.

“These squirrels are savages, I think I might transfer,” a worried student said. A stranger walking his dog on campus ditched the dog and ran for his own safety.

“Sparky was born to fight… I was born to look good.” The man commented shortly after and said his dog couldn’t be found, but he sees a group of squirrels in his yard every day. According to the man, the squirrels stare him down, almost as if they’re notifying him that he’s next.

April 1, 1993 The Great Wolf Creek Flood Residents in the basement of Hopeman woke up with only their heads afloat, as the ‘93 Great Wolf Creek Flood ravaged the campus. According to sources, the only dry spot on campus was Hicks dining hall. Students

at the time recalled staying as far away from the dining hall as possible, risking their luck in the waters instead of entering the depths of the eatery. The flood destroyed most of campus, as structural damage affected every building. The flood only took one life: the real-life Willie the Wolverine. The statue on campus today is at the exact spot where Willie was swept away in the current.

April 1, 2013 Kanye West takes the Grove by storm After proclaiming his Christian faith, Kanye West traveled to Grove City College to host a concert in the Grove City College Arena. Kanye released the album “Yeezus” earlier in the year. The album headlined the concert on campus. Before Kanye started performing, he opened with his personal testimony of how he came to faith in Jesus Christ. Kanye said, “I Am a God. I just talked to Jesus; He said, ‘What up, Yeezus?’”

Fans in attendance went wild as he began to perform “I Am A God.”

Ayden Gutierrez

News Editor

The

@Collegian_GCC @gcc.collegian The Collegian: The GCC Newspaper

Collegian The Award-Winning Grove City College Student Newspaper

Friday, April 1, 2022

Vol. 107, No. 18

No, but actually

Sems to speak at commencement Collegian Staff Renowned orthopedic surgeon and Grove City College alumnus Dr. Stephen “Andy” Sems ’95 will address graduates of the 142nd commencement exercise at 10 a.m. Saturday, May 14 on campus.

Sems is widely regarded internationally for his innovative and revolutionary approach to treating people with congenital, developmental and traumatic limb

deformities.

His work repairing and regenerating malformed and broken bones SEMS has improved countless lives.

“Dr. Sems is one of our most accomplished alumni.

He is an amazing healer and teacher and a prime example of how one can succeed with the firm undergraduate foundation that a Grove City College education provides.

His landmark work has revolutionized a field of medicine, and the results are truly life changing for patients relieved of their suffering. He is an exemplar of the kind of servant leader that we seek to send out into the world to make a difference,” President Paul J. McNulty ’80 said.

“Dr. Sems’ academic focus and career path illustrate superbly the college’s strategic objective of connecting our outstanding engineering program with the field of health

sciences,” McNulty said.

A native of Chardon, Ohio, Sems wanted to be a doctor since he broke his arm in sixth grade and, under local anesthetic, watched and listened as doctors operated.

His career path took him to Grove City College, where he studied mechanical engineering with the aim of applying that knowledge to medicine. Sems was also a standout on the Wolverine football team and was named Sportsman of the Year in

1995.

After graduating summa cum laude from the college, Sems completed his medical training at The Ohio State University and his orthopedic surgery residency at The Cleveland Clinic, with fellowships in Austria and at the University of Minnesota/ Hennepin County Medical Center.

Since 2005, he has been affiliated with the world-faSEMS 4

Messer returning to roots Annalese Aderholt Contributing Writer

Former Rhos Tony LaRosa (left) and Kevin Cooney (right) party the night away at Ganza pre-COVID.

into the eastern regions of Ukraine, Ukrainians were also dealing with a civil war internally. Many have said that Vladmir Putin is the one who created Ukrainian nationalism.”

Stanton detailed what this conflict might mean for us domestically: “In 2015, the sum of investments by citizens of the U.S. in Ukraine was less than the sum total of the budget of Philadelphia at that time. So, from an investment standpoint, this isn’t hurting us at all.”

He further described how rising gasoline prices cannot

Dr. H. Collin Messer, English professor and assistant dean of the Calderwood School of Arts and Letters, will finish his 16th year at Grove City ColMESSER lege this May before transitioning to work at Covenant College in Lookout Mountain, Ga. He starts his new job in July 2022.

Messer has had a great experience at the college and views the time and effort he has invested as assistant dean and the former English Department chair as “one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done.”

Messer holds the administration at the college in high regard and is confident that while there is much great work left to do here, Grove City College and the English Department are in good hands with President Paul J. McNulty ’80 and Dr. Joshua A. Mayo, respectively.

His gratitude for his time at the college, in terms of leadership and academic opportunities as well as relationships with the faculty, staff and administration, could not be overstated.

“It was a tearful meeting, telling these dear friends that I was leaving,” Messer said.

“I have nothing but appreciation and gratitude for Grove City, my colleagues and the leadership.”

Messer believes strongly that God cares about the intellectual life and that colleges that take their Christianity seriously, like Grove City and Covenant, are “an important expression of the church’s participation in God’s renewal project,” as they are responsible for training students to be ambassadors for Christ in the church, the workplace and the family.

For Messer, Christians in academia ought to be committed to the liberal arts because “we want to see our students equipped to exercise delightful dominion over all aspects of God’s creation.”

Further, Messer believes that one of the most admirable and beneficial pursuits a person can strive for is investing in things that will

UKRAINE 4

MESSER 4

CONTRIBUTED

Rhos bring back Ganza

Ayden Gutierrez News Editor

The Ganza is back on campus this semester after the long-awaited announcement was given by the Rhos earlier this month.

After years of being held in Hicks Cafeteria, the event will be held in the Intramural (IM) rooms inside of the Physical Learning Center (PLC).

Dr. John Coyne, the Senior Major Gifts Officer at the college, commented on the ef-

forts being put in to make the event happen.

“There are a lot of employees who have put a lot of time into the planning process and will be involved in the implementation as well,” said Coyne. “Mrs. Priester, Operations (housekeeping and maintenance) and Bon Appetit have been working with the Rhos behind the scenes to help pull off the event.”

The campus community, although excited for the event’s return, questioned

the decision of hosting the Ganza in the IM rooms rather than its usual location of Hicks. Scott Gordon, the director of Student Activities and Programs with Student Life & Learning, answered that question.

“The scheduling of the event was held in check by Covid and by the time the Covid concerns had been abated Hicks was scheduled, said Gordon.”

According to Gordon, the Rhos — a Greek Life group on campus — always do an

outstanding job of hosting this event and have done so for decades.

Connor Schlosser, senior chair of the Extravaganza, touched on the importance of the event to his group.

“It is so special to us as Rhos because it brings us all together,” said Schlosser. “It is no small task. It’s an entirely student-run event. We all plan, prepare and work throughout the event’s entirety.”

GANZA 4

Faculty speak to Russia-Ukraine conflict Nick Grasso Staff Writer

Russian forces invaded Ukraine February 24, causing international turmoil and a sense of concern in the U.S. Three of the history and political science professors from the college share their thoughts on the ongoing conflict.

Dr. Andrew Mitchell, an associate history professor, cited that the “origins of this conflict come about in the immediate aftermath of the collapse of the Soviet Union.”

On March 22, NATO released a statement that read,

“We condemn Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in the strongest possible terms. Russia’s attack on Ukraine threatens global security. Its assault on international norms makes the world less safe.”

Mitchell said, “That previous finite era of Western civilization is categorized by great nations and great nation states, a balance of power and containment and spheres of influence. The more that NATO works to pick off other countries and extend America’s sphere of influence, the more Russia is going to be threatened.”

He said, “Since Ukraine has

such a spiritual and political connection to Russia, Putin is getting nervous when it comes to giving Russia some self-decency and a voice on the global stage, especially in the wake of progressing political and social movements with NATO, to which traditional Russian culture does not correspond.”

Political science professor Dr. Samuel Stanton also gave his take on the RussiaUkraine conflict.

He spoke on the origins of the war, explaining, “In 2014 when the Russians annexed the Crimean Peninsula and possibly sent Russian troops

News The Collegian,

April 1, 2022

Page 4

College inherits Thornburgh library Grove City College Grove City College will be the repository of the personal library of former Pennsylvania Governor and U.S. Attorney General Dick Thornburgh.

The gift comes through the generosity of his wife Ginny Thornburgh and her sons, who have agreed to donate to the college more than 2,000 volumes amassed over Thornburgh’s lifetime of public service.

“Dick was an avid reader and collector of books,” she said. “This collection represents his many interests and the many influential and inspiring people he was blessed to work with over his decades of service.”

Thornburgh, a Pittsburgh native and Republican, was a well-regarded and respected state and national leader from the 1970s until

SEMS continued from 3 mous Mayo Clinic, where he oversees the Limb Lengthening and Regeneration Clinic.

He is part of a team of doctors working to repair bones, improve and restore function and allow normal alignment of the body. The process involves complex surgery and the use of implanted metal rods and external fixators – custom-designed devices that guide bone growth and require near daily adjust-

GANZA continued from 3 For current freshmen and sophomores, the Ganza is an event they have never experienced.

“Our last Ganza was February of 2020,” said Schlosser. “We have been trying to get the Ganza approved since early November. But at that time the college had not permitted any indoor dances.

Through respectful persis-

UKRAINE continued from 3 be fully attributed to the conflict in Ukraine.

“If we’re trying to say that fuel prices in the United States having increased over four dollars is solely a result of what’s going on in Ukraine, then you haven’t been paying much attention to geopolitical changes over the last two years,” Stanton said.

Dr. Elizabeth Baker, an assistant professor of history, shared her thoughts on Putin and the Ukrainian conflict, stating, “Putin is an imperialist. Putin is someone who has an imagining of what his Russia should be, which has a lot to do with Russia’s Soviet past.”

“As far as current context, we’re looking less at the justification for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine and more at justifications for why sanctions against Russia must continue,” Baker said.

According to npr.org, “More than 900 civilians have died in Ukraine, but the true number is likely much higher.”

Mitchell, Stanton and Baker said that Russia is “a great power” and that “Putin received questionable advisement regarding the need to invade Ukraine.” They concluded that the war in Ukraine is “tragic.”

his death in 2020 at the age of 88.

“Dick Thornburgh was a great Pennsylvanian, a great lawyer and a great leader whom I had the privilege of working for at the U.S. Department of Justice,” President Paul J. McNulty ’80 said.

“Grove City College is THORNBURGH so grateful for the gift of this wonderful collection. Students will benefit from the breadth and depth of these volumes for generations to come.”

During his time as governor, Thornburgh rose to national prominence with handling of the state’s response to the 1979 Three Mile Island nuclear disaster, the worst in U.S. history. The Thornburgh collection includes many volumes and original

memoranda and writings related to the crisis.

As head of the Justice Department under Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, Thornburgh battled white-collar crime, drug trafficking and oversaw the prosecution resulting from the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska. He played a key role on the national stage during a pivotal moment in the nation’s history–the enactment of the Americans with Disabilities Act in 1990.

Thornburgh also served as Undersecretary General of the United Nations from 1992-93.

“The collection’s depth is impressive and reveals a real thirst for knowledge,” Director of College Archives and Galleries Hilary (Lewis ’09) Walczak said.

“I remember well his extensive marks and annotations in the briefing mate-

rials I prepared for him in the early 1990s,” McNulty added.

“Thornburgh had a habit of marking up books, and many in the collection include his handwritten annotations, including the Three Mile Island material. They show his thought process and observations about what was a major historical event,” Walczak said.

“That material and an autobiography that includes copious notes for his editors have historical and archival significance,” she said.

Trustee William J. Mehaffey ’62, a longtime friend and Thornburgh adviser, helped secure the former governor’s library for the college. Currently housed at the Thornburgh residences, the books will ultimately become part of the Henry Buhl Library collection.

ment.

Sems said he approaches his work “one patient at a time,” tailoring care to their individual needs and circumstances. Successful treatment, he said, can have a “massive impact on quality of life.” The effort requires surgical skill and mechanical know-how.

“A lot of the work involves mechanical engineering.

There’s an intimate relationship between what I learned at Grove City College and what I do daily,” Sems said.

His years of studying at the college prepared him for medical school better than most of his peers, Sems said.

“Grove City taught me how to learn and how to think.

It required me to learn and think,” he said. “It forced me to use my mind in a problemsolving way, to have an understanding and an ability to find answers.”

He lives in Rochester, Minn., with his wife Heidi (Dymond ’93) Sems and their children Monica, Luke, Caroline and Charlie.

Sems isn’t sure what he will tell graduates at commencement, but he’s likely to advise them to apply their education in service to others and “leave the world a better place than they found it” – just like he has.

To accompany Sems, Dr. H. Collin Messer, professor of English and Assistant Dean of the Calderwood School of Arts and Letters, will speak at the baccalaureate at 7 p.m. Friday, May 13 to conclude his duration of service at the college.

tence, emails and meetings, it was finally discussed and approved in late February.”

“The event was not held in 2021, so for the current students it will offer the opportunity to really find out what the word “extravaganza” truly means! As opposed to the Glitter and Glitz of the Gilded age theme of the Ganza,” said Gordon.

According to Gordon, the theme is generally two-fold: first and foremost, it will be

a fun dance. However, as it is always a surprise, the theme is only known by the Rhos, as they open the doors to the dance. To learn the theme, you must attend the event.

As of now, there are no restrictions for the event relating to COVID guidelines, and the administration does not see any restrictions being imposed on the event.

Schlosser is excited to bring one of campus’s best events back to the commu-

nity.

“Ganza is known as being one of the best attended events on campus and it’s completely free of charge!

We look to build onto that strong reputation for upper and underclassmen alike,” he said.

“Anyone on campus can attend for free, they just need a ticket for entry. Students can pick up tickets in STU/SAC starting Monday this coming week!”

MESSER continued from 3 outlive you, like institutions and institutional culture.

With this, Messer holds that solid institutional leadership is essential to building a faithful, biblically thoughtful and long-lasting culture at a college – the kind that will be academically challenging and God-honoring right now and 75 years down the line.

Messer’s experience in administration and culturebuilding at Grove City College has not only been fruitful and satisfying but also energizing. It has caused him to “want to seek an opportunity to lead a little bit more institutionally.”

At Covenant College, Messer will be the Vice President of Academic Affairs – a position comparable to that of Grove City College’s Dr. Peter Frank ’95 – in which he will work on hiring, faculty development and curricular oversight.

Soon working at Covenant, Messer will be a little closer to his Carolina roots and family and will be at the institution from which his eldest daughter graduated and gained so much as a student, person and follower of Christ.

Messer thinks his new position suits his desires, goals and skill sets as a professional academic very well. Messer plans to teach one English class per year at Covenant, depending on the department’s needs, after taking the first year to settle in.

Messer is overwhelmingly grateful and appreciative of his time at Grove City and is very thankful to have raised his family in a place they now know and love and where his kids call home.

With his strong draw to administration and oversight, his personal connection to Covenant, his desire to invest in a place where he feels he “can come in and contribute meaningfully” and through much prayerful thought, Messer expressed confidence in his decision to transition to Covenant and is excited to see what the future holds.

Finance column

Time value of money part 2

Peter Van Eerden Contributing Writer

In the last article, we touched on the importance of the Time Value of Money, which is arguably the most significant principle in the financial world.

The main emphasis on TMV is TIME! The value of the investment is usually directly correlated with the length of the investment.

That is why financial advisors push to start an investment plan sooner rather than later.

The other emphasis of the time value of money is the rate of return for the investment. The goal of investing is to minimize risk and maximize return. To maximize return, each individual must evaluate his or her risk tolerance level.

What is the risk in investing? The risk of investing is the possible rise or fall of the value of your assets regarding market conditions.

For example, an individual might decide to invest all of his money allocated for investments in cryptocurrency. His decision is highly risky, because he is betting that the specific cryptocur-

rency he invested in will increase in value throughout the investment and not decrease in value. Certain investments, like crypto, are much riskier than investments like large company equities.

The point is that there are many different options for investing, and each option has an inherent risk that individuals must consider making an educated investment.

We will look at the three levels of risk tolerance.

One: low-risk tolerance individuals tend to gravitate towards secure, low-risk or even risk-free investments.

These investments include AAA-rated bonds or Treasury bills because they are backed by the U.S. Government, which is considered default-free.

Two: moderate-risk tolerance investors lean towards larger companies that are more established and have a much more consistent rate of return over the long run.

Moderate-risk investments can consist of index funds like the S&P 500 or the Russell 3000.

Three: high-risk tolerance investors are more interest-

ed in smaller companies that have higher potential for value growth but that tend to have higher volatility. An example of small stock investments is tech which can be incredibly difficult to predict.

Each level of risk has its benefits and drawbacks, which means that the investor must understand his or her financial situation to make the right asset allocations.

What are the practical implications for the student and the recent post-grad?

Well, it is important to remember that we have time on our side, which means that we can get a little riskier.

It would be a poor financial decision to put all your money in a bank account earning minimal interest or even to put all your money into bonds, which have a relatively low yield.

On the other hand, it would be a poor decision to put all of your money into cryptocurrency, or small tech companies.

The best investors have portfolio diversification, meaning that the money they have allocated toward

investments is minimizing risk while maximizing potential returns. For example, an investor could have a percentage of his assets allocated towards growth stocks, as well as indexes, bonds and even some money in the bank account designed to be an emergency fund.

The investors that do the best in the market know what their risk tolerance is, and they plan accordingly.

They try to hedge against risk, but they also pursue solid returns. It is a balance that each investor needs to make.

The rate of return has a direct correlation to the future value of the investment, but ultimately, the goal of any investor should be to minimize risk and maximize profit.

In summary, the time value of money emphasizes time and the rate of return for investments. This balance is essential for competent investors to do well in the open market. There are big decisions that can ultimately alter the trajectory of our financial means, which means that they demand our utmost attention.

Perspectives The Collegian, April 1, 2022

Word on the street...

Do you observe April Fool’s Day? Madeline Helm I’m offended by it, and I think it should be canceled.

Ha, not really. I don’t really have a set opinion on it. I wish we celebrated it more thoroughly.

Hannah Garry I always kind of forget it exists until the day before, and then I’m like, oh, better watch out.

Sterling Gleeson April Fools is a deeply meaningful holiday for me because my family has so many traditions entrenched around this holiday, so when people make jokes about April Fools, it’s actually very offensive, because they’re disrespecting the longtime tradition and dignity and respect that the holiday is due.

Austin Hollinger I think that April Fools is a time I have a bunch of elaborate plans to do, but I never go through with them. That’s kind of how it goes every year.

Sam Ishler Well, I’m normally the victim of all the plans that happen, so on my end I don’t like it, but I do respect people who actually plan April Fools pranks.

Liam Southard I think it’s basically on par with any religious holiday in my mind.

Megan Gagnier I personally do like April Fools day. I enjoy playing jokes on other people, and having them returned, but I don’t like it when they’re really big and cause a big problem.

I like simple pranks.

Reid Blackstone I observe April Fool’s day because I’m surrounded by fools every day of the year.

Apathy.

Page 5

Focusing on people over policies is a dangerous practice Sam Branthoover Contributing Writer

To start, I am the ViceChair of College Republicans, and I have some grief with the campus: you guys are oddly apathetic when it comes to actual conservative politics.

When we had Dr. Oz on campus, we overflowed Sticht; it was an awesome event, and we hoped to replicate it.

Last week we had Oz’s challenger, Dave McCormick, on campus. McCormick is leading in the polls – sometimes by double digits – and is likely to be the Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate in the fall. John Fetterman, the Democratic frontrunner, consistently polls terribly against any proposed Republican nominee, meaning that McCormick could be the next senator of

Pennsylvania.

Six students showed up to see McCormick – one merely a heckler.

As a “bastion of conservatism,” this was an absolutely embarrassing display by our college. Dick Jewell, the former President of Grove, came to introduce the candidate and was again met by six students. We put up posters everywhere, we sent out mass emails to hundreds of students (the College Republican’s mailing list is close to 400 people).

I went to a public school system, I have stayed at state universities and I have worked summers where I lived alone and hours from family; trust me when I say that you will not find Grove’s culture anywhere else. You may feel comfortable here, and that’s great! But do not let it make you apathetic.

You may not feel that Western civilization is nearing impending doom, but outside of Grove, it definitely comes

off that way. Many people on campus are eager to identify as conservative, but few are willing to take up any responsibility that entails.

A further point to consider: these campaigns that come will talk with you, network with you and hire you.

I am not arguing that the educational merit of listening to McCormick (if there is any) is, in and of itself, what should make the event appealing.

It would simply behoove anybody remotely interested in politics as a career, as these candidates bring boatloads of staffers, many of whom stay for hours after the event transpires. I personally turned down a job with Oz’s campaign.

I simply implore you all to show more interest in actual conservative politics. Being conservative should mean you are aware of local elections and are informed on candidates relevant to you.

Many seem to think that be-

ing able to articulate an argument against critical race theory makes you the pinnacle of conservatism; as awesome as that is, it does little in the real world.

We all know Michael Knowles will have a packed auditorium in less than a week, which shows where our true motivations lie. A guy whose biggest contribution to conservative thought is (literally) a book with blank pages will receive 50 times more attendees than the next senator of Pennsylvania.

When I talk to statewide candidates (or representatives thereof), I would love to accept their offers to come here, and they think they will be met by praising crowds.

But with how apathetic people are about actual politics, I cannot, in good faith, bring these speakers to campus.

Please change that, or stop complaining about the College Republicans not doing anything.

Ain’t that a slap in the head Isaac Willour Staff Writer

I hate the Oscars.

They are a mostly useless public spectacle that only serves two purposes: propping up movies that the general public does not care about and generating meme content.

While the latter of these is a noble pursuit, this year’s Oscars ceremony, captured in the Will Smith/ Chris Rock moment, went beyond the meme content. It embraced a truly worthwhile goal: making Americans realize how gentrified and easily distracted we are on the cultural front.

I am going to make fun of a lot of people in this column, including myself, but rest assured — every single one of us had it coming.

Gentrification is a term we do not think about a lot, mostly because we are so calcified already that we are barely capable of realizing that it is still going on.

In his excellent 2020 book, “The Decadent Society,” New York Times columnist Ross Douthat argues that ever since the Space Race, the perceived conquering of the only frontier humans had left to conquer, all of us groundbound mortals realized that there was relatively little left to pioneer on an outward front.

We gave up reaching for the stars and other galaxies (except for some guy named Elon, who’s really into rockets) and instead opted to focus on reforming our earthly realm, through rectifying social inequalities and cultural endeavors.

In picking through the

Actual current issues Pointless Oscars drama

ABC

proceeds of our success, however, we lost a bit of that pioneering spirit that took us to the stars — Douthat describes it as “a literal ceiling on all of human effort that we haven’t figured out how to break through.”

This failure led to decadence, composed of cultural repetition and intellectual exhaustion, making a great deal of old and tired arguments as our morals and collective optimism faded away.

Douthat’s argument lays the stage perfectly for gentrification: in becoming a prosperous and powerful society, we have also become remarkably sensitive to anything that threatens to make us less so. This has always been the case, to an extent; we are inclined to resist foreign threats and violent uprisings, because we know that they bring about an end to our prosperity.

It is the level of sensitivity that’s changed — where once we saw war and violence as alarming, now we see words and tone and presuppositions as worthy of similar resistance. Or a joke, made in offensive taste, by someone who is literally paid millions to do that.

What does all of this have to do with the Oscars? To be frank, the Oscars is only a tiny indicator of cultural sensitivity. I only lead with it because it somehow dominated news headlines for two full days. In a week, no one will care. They really should not care now.

But the point remains — our decadent society’s imagination is so trivial that it gets captured by the most stupid things possible.

The antics of our cultural icons are just that — antics to be laughed at and then promptly ignored. Whether

scripted or real, they inevitably only serve one true purpose: distraction.

The civilian death toll in Ukraine is climbing near a thousand.

Two brothers in Detroit were released a week ago after spending 25 years behind bars for a crime they did not commit.

The stories that should spark horror and inflame our passion for justice went largely ignored by popular culture. Why? Because the Fresh Prince slapped Marty the Zebra at the Oscars. (If you do not get those references, you’re either old or a homeschooler, and I recommend a Google search.)

If that does not show you how gentrified and distracted we are, I really do not know what will.

Maybe we all need to keep celebrities’ names out of our hecking mouths.

Community The Collegian,

April 1, 2022

Page 6

Upcoming Events...

What’s fresh at the Grove?

Food Truck Friday – Ash & Kris Kitchen 11 a.m. – 3 p.m.

Friday, April 1 STEM Patio

Gala at Gatsby’s

7 – 10 p.m.

Friday, April 1 HAL Courtyard and Breen Student Union

Nugfest

11 a.m. – 1 p.m.

Saturday, April 2 Hopeman Lawn

Exhale Gallery

5 – 10 p.m.

Tuesday, April 5 Breen Student Union

Faith For Life Lecture Series “Faithfulness in Full Bloom” 7 p.m.

Wednesday, April 6 Sticht Lecture Hall

Michael Knowles: Free Speech & Government 7 p.m.

Thursday, April 7 Crawford Hall Auditorium

Connect with us!

Stay updated with our social media @Collegian_GCC @gcc.collegian The Collegian: The Grove City College Newspaper

Take two on 2020 proms

The ‘classiest’ dance will turn the STU into a casino Emma Whiteford Staff Writer

There were whispers and rumors that SGA’s longstanding tradition of hosting an elaborate gala would return. Thanks to their hard work and planning, the Gala returns today at 7 p.m.

Throughout the year, the college hosts a variety of dances, but nothing is quite like the Gala.

“The President’s Gala began in 1991 to celebrate the inauguration of the new college president,” Justine (Simon ’18) Horst, 2016-2017 Vice President of Social Affairs, said. “Since then, it has become a biannual celebration of not only our current president but also a celebration of the entire Grove City student body.”

So, don your black-tie attire and join in on an event that rivals the charm and

“The Gala will be a prom for so many students that never got one, and a return to normalcy for Grove City College.”

Sophomore Jacob Feiser class of the Roaring Twenties.

Tickets are on sale for $5 in the Breen Student Union.

The dance will be held in the Staley Hall of Arts and Letters courtyard and inside the Student Union.

In the past, the Gala has been held in the IM rooms.

In order to maintain a more cohesive and fancy aesthetic, however, SGA has decided to go a different route this year and select a new venue that will better fit the classy theme.

F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel

“The Great Gatsby” is reminiscent of the many Roaring ’20s-themed proms canceled in the year of 2020 while remaining elevated in character.

According to sophomore Jacob Feiser, senator of academic affairs, “The Gala will be a prom for so many students that never got one, and a return to normalcy for Grove City College.”

The Gala has been a longstanding tradition, and this year over 1,000 students are gathering in the Staley Hall of Arts and Letters Courtyard to revive the tradition and dance the night away.

However, if dancing doesn’t suit your fancy, a myriad of casino games, such as poker and blackjack run by authentic casino workers, will also be part of the event.

Additionally, there will be a raffle for a JBL speaker, an ENO hammock and a 300-piece poker set.

“The more tickets you win playing the casino games, the more likely you are to win,” sophomore Cara Scott, vice president of social affairs, said.

Throughout the evening, you’ll be able to peruse the food options, varying from mocktails to hors d’oeveres, utilize the photobooth and enjoy lovely music from a string quartet for the first twenty minutes of the event.

The sophomore class president, Sierra Grissom, said, “I’m excited to enjoy the classiest student-led event and revive a beloved college tradition. I know this year will be well worth the wait.”

Pull out the dress or suit you never got to wear to your high school prom and gather your friends for a night like no other. Escape into the Jazz Age for the evening at the long-awaited Gala at Gatsby’s.

So, my girlfriend likes movies...

My girlfriend is into watching movies and I’m just not. What’s the best approach? Unashamedly, Anonymous Grover

Dear Dr. Love

Dear Anonymous Grover, It can be challenging when your boo thang holds great interest in something that doesn’t tickle your fancy.

Fortunately for you, the problem is movies as the main interest and not taxidermy, spelunking, or underwater basket-weaving.

Every relationship requires a level of compromise, which offers a great opportunity to grow. Through sacrificing your number one preference, you can better care for your lady and show her you are willing to invest in her interest. Conversely, if

you have a great interest in malacology (more commonly known among the peasant population as the study of mollusks), your girlfriend should sacrifice what would otherwise be previous movie-viewing moments.

Compromising requires communication, patience and sacrifice. Through this process, you can both learn to be less self-focused and consider the other’s needs better and with more frequency. Be careful not to keep tallies of who compromised when, as it makes for a distasteful transactional feel in

a relationship that is focused on being fair rather than loving, caring and sacrificial.

On the plus side, you may even come to appreciate some classic films you can both quote and your girlfriend may even learn that most mollusks can be characterized by their broad, muscular “feet” which correspond to the tentacles of cephalopods, and their shells (if you exclude cephalopods, some gastropods and the most primitive mollusks).

You could also consider finding a new hobby you

both enjoy doing together: just because you can do everything together doesn’t mean you have to. My time is up, and YOUR time is now, my young Grover.

May the Grove be with you,

Dr. Love Love M.D.

The Collegian,

April 1, 2022

Page 7

Seven questions with…

Dr. Erik R. Bardy

Professor & GRACE DAVID

Professor Bandy with his Special Events and Promotions class.

Students gain on-the-job experience in class

David Smith Copy Editor

Professor Gregory Bandy’s course, Special Events and Promotions, provides professional, internship-like experience through coordinating, promoting and hosting the Lux Mea Film Festival.

The second annual Lux Mea Film Festival will be occurring from 7-9 p.m. Saturday, April 23 and will feature students’ short films.

According to its website, “The Lux Mea Film Festival at Grove City College is an opportunity to showcase and experience student films. “Lux mea,” meaning ‘my light’ in Latin, is not only the motto of the college but also points to the purpose of the film festival.”

Students in Special Events and Promotion will be organizing every aspect of the festival. The class consists of six different teams to produce the final product: video, photo, program, marketing, reception and social media.

This course allows students to hone their skills in studio experience in an internship type fashion.

Concerning this course, junior Mollie Landman said, “When I show up for class on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, it feels like I am showing up for a job; most of our classes are working sessions.”

Landman has been preparing for the reception follow-

ing the festival, budgeting for food, lining up musicians and ordering decorations.

The class gives students the opportunity to learn how to organize and host special events.

Junior Sarah Sawyers is one of the video producers and facilitates some of the program organization.

“Overall, we are making an event that is studentcentered and celebrating good, well-crafted stories,” Sawyers said. “As a filmmaker submitting something myself, I see it as a good opportunity to get my work out there and also enjoy other stories made by my peers.”

The class environment and peers have encouraged students to create their best work, though a daunting process. For Sawyers, this is her first short film. She has always been passionate about both watching films and the production of films.

What senior Sydney DeJager most appreciates about the class is Professor Bandy: “He is really passionate about film and having the students work in a realistic environment.”

Putting on an event like Lux Mea, DeJager said, “makes you realize the scope of the workload.” She said that the time commitment for the course is between 120 and 150 hours. DeJager, a member of the marketing and communications team, is grateful for the opportu-

nity the class has provided in preparing her for her future.

According to DeJager, the class is special because the experience allows the class to provide to the Grove City community.

“We’re getting something out of it, but we’re also giving something back,” she said.

Junior Grace Eldridge, who is also a member of the marketing and communications team, says that Special Events and Promotions provides a professional experience that other classes don’t.

“Most other classes provide more fundamental, individual skills,” Eldridge said, “while this class allows you to put those skills into actual practice.”

Complementing the Special Events and Promotions course, Bandy’s Advanced Video Production class gives students hands-on experience, learning how visual narratives occur and working to create their own. Bandy encourages his students to submit their films to the festival for consideration.

Previously, the class and festival focused on documentary films, however, this year the films in the festival will be oriented toward narrative.

Films will range from three to eight minutes.

It requires an abundance of critical thinking and certain skill sets to create a visual narrative, Bandy said.

Films help to connect dots and provide the viewer with

a lens to examine the human experience, he added.

“Film is the quintessential liberal arts learning experience,” Bandy said.

Both of Bandy’s classes have allowed students to exhibit their passion whether through film or event production.

The Lux Mea Film Festival will be a formal occasion held in Crawford Auditorium. There will be a collection of films followed by an awards ceremony. Those in attendance are encouraged to dress their best. After the festival, there will be food, drinks, music and various art pieces from students.

“Attendees will watch film submissions from students, hear from the Grove City College Jazz Band, be entertained by this years’ MCs and more,” Landman said.

Both professional judges and faculty will determine the best films, according to its respective category, in addition to an audience vote.

“It’s an honor for the audience members to say who is the best,” Bandy said.

Awards categories include best drama, best comedy, best documentary, best super-short, best screenplay, best cinematography, best editing, best audio editing/ mixing, best special visual effects, best original score, best actress, best actor and audience favorite. Films included in the festival are to be announced on April 11.

Assistant Chair of Mechanical Engineering What do you listen to on the ride home?

I walk to work. I listen to French worship music or podcasts such as “Honestly” by Bari Weiss.

What are you currently reading?

“Sailing Alone Around the World” by Joshua Sloeum.

What’s something you’ve been pondering lately?

The Christian’s role in a changing America.

Favorite restaurant?

I have a favorite bakery in Pittsburgh, “La Gourmandine.”

Name a movie that makes you emotional.

Too many to mention.

What are you looking forward to today?

My daughter’s morning smile.

Favorite class you’re teaching right now?

I love teaching, period. No real favorite class to list.

Theatre program puts on play for kids Sarah Soltis Staff Writer

The college’s theatre program will be putting on a show called “How I Became a Pirate” for children in the community next weekend.

The production represents weeks of hard work on the part of the theatre program.

Senior Leah Flick, technical director for the show this year, said that children’s theatre is the theatre program’s biggest production.

The show will take place on April 7, 8 and 9, with daytime shows for schools in the area and evening shows for the general public.

According to the director, junior Kaylee Shafer, the show “brings out the child” in all those involved.

“How I Became a Pirate” is based on a children’s book of the same name, and the main

character, Jamie Jacobs, meets a group of pirates.

“They are looking for someone to help them find a spot to bury their treasure, and they ask her if she wants to come along and help out. So, she joins the crew for about a day,” Shafer said, adding that Jamie learns lessons about her home and herself along the way.

“The message of the show is that Jamie discovers that it’s really good to be at home, and that home is kind of where your roots lie,” Shafer said. “She goes on this really fun adventure, and she ends up coming back home, and she just sees that it’s good to be home.”

Shafer has worked to shape the story since February. Freshman Emma Will, stage director of the show, attributed the show’s complexity to Shafer’s direction: “The show started out very simple.

It has turned into a very detailed, fun, complex show.”

Shafer has several goals for children’s theatre this year, one of which is community enrichment. “For me, personally, I think children’s (theatre) is a ministry, because the show was meant for kids. It’s meant to reach out to those in the community,” Reaching out via theatre represents a unique opportunity to impact the community of Grove City, Shafer said.

“Sharing that vision with the rest of the cast members and knowing that this is why we’re doing this is key,” she said.

According to Flick, children’s theatre has been a beautiful tradition in Grove City. Flick also considers children’s theatre a “special opportunity,” one which reminds her of her own childhood.

“I remember seeing a show like this as a field trip in kindergarten. I still remember it – so, this is kind of cool for me to be on the other side of it,” Flick said.

Along with reaching out to the Grove City community, another goal of the production is to build the Theatre Department and bring in new faces.

“Children’s (theatre) is normally the show that a lot of people join for the first time, and it’s their entrance into the theatre department,” Shafer said. “It’s super neat, because our cast is full of people who have never done theatre in their lives… even upperclassmen.”

Even for those who have participated in theatre, children’s theatre provides new avenues for involvement in the production. Flick, for instance, took on a new role for this production. “My role as

technical director has actually never been a student job before,” Flick said.

Though Betsy Craig, professor of English, is the overseeing director for the production, the show is largely student-run.

Flick said, “Students design the lights. Students design the sound. Students are doing everything with the oversight of our professors.

So, children’s theatre is a great opportunity… and the time to really get out of your comfort zone.”

Ultimately, Flick explained, children’s theatre is about having fun and sharing it.

“Rehearsals and getting ready don’t seem like such a stressful and daunting task for the actors, because they’re honestly having just such a fun time.”

Perspectives The Collegian, April 1, 2022

Page 8

Women finally get the option for housing groups, sort of Emma Fisher

Contributing Writer “What the heck is squatting” was my initial reaction when I received the email proclaiming a new housing program for independent women was rolling up to Grove City College.

The term used by Student Housing is one to describe a push to create hall community between independents by “squatting” on a hall year after year. So, it’s basically a female housing group but without having to earn your way onto the hall, and you don’t get letters.

The incentive to this new way of picking a room for the upcoming school year is that you get to choose whom you want on your hall and “squat” with your friends. You will also be able to choose whether you would like to stay in the same room each following year until graduation simply by telling your RA. The hope is that this will cultivate a sense of hall pride that will carry on into the future of the college, but whether that actually happens remains to be seen.

As for me and my friend group, we couldn’t care less about hall pride and cultivating community. We just want to be on the same hall and have nice rooms. However, I do appreciate the opportunity to be able to have

EVENTFIT

my friends as my next-door neighbors, and this is what squatting guarantees.

I also like the idea that South-West will be home to the squatters and will become exclusive to independents, with sororities in MEP and freshmen in Harker and North.

This raises the question of what happens if you don’t squat? Room draw will occur as usual, but the squatters will get priority over the independents who choose not to go through the squatting

process.

This means that if you don’t squat, you run the risk of being placed on a hall amid friend groups you aren’t in, because the independents going through regular room draw will be placed in the rooms that aren’t filled during the squatting process.

This new housing program was spear-headed by SouthWest’s RD, Tori Wright. She said, “I desired to cultivate a sense of building pride and closeness within the suites.

I believe a shift in housing

dynamics for independent students, the women especially, have been a long time coming.”

She also commented on her hope that the pioneer squatting groups will be able to name their hall and give it traditions that continue year after year.

I don’t know if anyone is interested in creating traditions and hall pride, but I do think squatting is a good idea; you will be guaranteed to live next to your friends.

The convenience of knowing

you have the option of staying in the same room for the duration of your time at the college is also a huge bonus.

The application process has already happened and was fairly uncomplicated, having only to fill out one application per squatting group. Although you don’t technically have to earn a place on your desired hall, the group’s class status and cumulative GPA is taken into consideration and will receive priority in hall placement.

Gala: An anticipated tradition Shelbi Henkle

Contributing Writer The Gala has been a longawaited event for the upperclassmen who actually remember what it is, but it is a bit fuzzy for everyone else.

The Gala is like prom in the sense that you have an excuse to wear gorgeous dresses (and you can dress up your boyfriend, despite how much he may complain about wearing a tie). Essentially, the Gala occurs on a two-year cycle, but as with most events, Covid-19 threw a wrench into that plan.

Originally, the Gala would have been held last year. The prior Gala was held my freshman year in the PLC and had a plethora of snacks, games and fantastic music. There was a level of luxury and exactment about the whole event. For girls, you spend the whole day getting ready (good grief I think I did 6 girls’ makeup that day?), guys throw on a suit and enjoy one another’s company.

I think what sets the Gala apart from any other dance is its class. Everyone took immense pains to look nice and were excited to compliment one another. The Gala is not a “rager” or another Street

MONICA (FITZGERALD ‘20) BEAL

Dance: you can eat, actually carry a conversation without shouting and take a break from constantly dancing.

I highly recommend going. Dances help break up the dirge that can be the academic life of a Grover. The dance allows everyone to gather as a community and dance the night away. Hang-

ing with friends and seeing classmates outside of the classroom is such a breath of fresh air, reminding us of others’ humanity.

And most shocking of all, the Gala displays that Grovers can relax and have fun— a revolutionary idea.

Tickets are only $5, which is a small price to pay for

a memorable evening surrounded by your friends.

Please note that this piece is written by an extrovert—for those dragging their introverted friends along please be mindful of their limited social batteries. Dances with large numbers of people are not for everyone–but absolutely everyone is welcome.

Hopefully this piece encourages you to come to the Gala, which will not happen again till 2024. I cannot wait to enjoy an evening with good music (mixture of classics and some recent bops) and a wonderful student body.

Let’s show people Grovers can “party” (within the rules of the Crimson, of course).

Sports The Collegian, April 1, 2022

Page 9

Sports at a Glance

Results

Men’s Lacrosse (6-4): W, Denison (14-10)

Men’s Tennis (7-2): W, Waynesburg (9-0)

Baseball (21-6):

L, Westminster, (12-3); L, Westminster, (2-1); W, Geneva, (12-7); W, Geneva, (9-4); W, Geneva, (15-3)

Water Polo (4-5):

L, Penn State Behrend (4-9); W, W&J (11-10)

Men’s Track & Field

2nd/12 - 150, Bethany Invitational

Women’s Track & Field: 2nd/14 - 131.25, Bethany Invitational

Upcoming Men’s Tennis:

Apr. 1, 3:30 p.m. vs. Franciscan MATTHEW SCHOONOVER

Sophomore lefthander Nick Guidas throws a pitch in a March 16 game against La Roche.

Baseball now 12-6

Emma Rossi

Staff Writer The baseball team came up short in a double header against the Westminster Titans on Tuesday afternoon in New Wilmington, Pa. The Wolverines lost by a single run in their first seven innings against the Titans.

Westminster opened scoring at the bottom of the first.

A series of four quick but scoreless innings followed, until junior catcher CJ Saylor put the Wolverines on the scoreboard in the sixth inning. Westminster closed the game with a second run in their last at bat, making the final score 2-1.

The Wolverines fell 11-3 in their second game against the Titans. The Wolverines led 2-0 for the first three innings, with runs contributed

by Saylor and sophomore infielder Markus Williams but fell behind after Westminster went on a nine-run streak in the fourth inning.

Freshman center fielder Nico Rodriguez crossed home plate at the top of the fifth to give the Wolverines their third run of the game, making the score 9-3. Westminster scored two additional runs at the end of the seventh.

The game closed with one final tally by Westminster in the eighth, making the final decision 12-3.

Last week, the Wolverines faced Geneva three times in their two-day, league-open-

TENNIS continued from 10 the conference at 2-0, being the only team to have two wins over other PAC teams.

On Tuesday, the Wolverines will travel to Saint Vincent, who is ranked second in the PAC with only one conference win so far, but 6-3 for the overall season.

Franciscan, who will come

ing series. The Wolverines swept the Golden Tornadoes, coming out with three more wins to tack onto their already top-heavy record of 12-4.

“We did exactly what we needed to do,” head coach Matt Royer said. “We put the games out of reach pretty quickly.”

In the team’s first contest on Thursday, the Wolverines came out victorious 153. Twelve Wolverines contributed to a season-high 21 team hits.

The game got off to a slow start with two scoreless innings to open, but the Wolverines’ offense took off at the bottom of the third.

Freshman infielder Shane Cato scored an unearned run off a wild pitch. Cato’s bunt opened scoring in the fourth inning, sending sophomore shortstop Luca Baccari home.

To close the fourth, Saylor sent Cato and Rodriguez home. Rodriguez batted two runners in and scored his second run to trigger an avalanche of seven additional Wolverine runs in the fifth inning.

The Wolverines’ final two runs were scored in the seventh inning by freshman second baseman Luke Vittone and Baccari. Vittone and Baccari both scored two runs and batted two runners in to aid the Wolverine offense.

The Wolverines saw four pitchers take the mound across nine innings of play.

Senior pitcher Tate Ostrowski pitched five shutout innings, followed by senior Robby Randolph, who pitched a pair of innings. Senior Noah Sedmak came on in the eighth, and sophomore Christian Hoffman closed the door.

In Friday’s double-header, the Wolverines went two for two, defeating the Golden Tornadoes 9-4 in the first game and 12-7 in the second.

Freshman first baseman Mally Kilbane and Baccari led the Wolverine offense in the first game, both going two for three at bat. Kilbane crossed home plate three times and Baccari drove three home runs. Kilbane earned PAC Baseball Rookie of the Week for his performances at designated hitter.

Freshman pitcher Evan Umland stole the win for the Wolverines, pitching seven innings and giving him a 3-1 record on the mound.

The Wolverines stayed on a roll in the second game, with Kilbane once again showing out; he went three for four at bat, tallied four runs and drove two home.

Saylor joined Kilbane at the head of the offensive effort, going two for three at bat and crossing home three times.

Junior pitcher Elijah White is accredited with the win in the second game.

The Wolverines play their next game today at 3 p.m. against Waynesburg on R. Jack Behringer Field, weather permitting.

to town tomorrow, is third in the PAC with one conference win and a record of 4-5.

In the pre-season poll, both Grove City and Saint Vincent received three votes to be ranked first in the conference.

“I think that’s pretty accurate,” Horner said. “I think it’s really come down between us and them to determine who takes the title this

year.”

The last meeting between these two teams in April 2021 resulted in a 9-0 sweep for the Wolverines, winning all of matches.

Grove City will face Franciscan at 3:30 this afternoon at the Walters Zbell Tennis Courts. They will face Saint Vincent for a 4:30 p.m. start on Tuesday in Latrobe, Pa.

Apr. 2, 1:00 p.m. vs Ohio Wesleyan Apr. 5, 4:30 p.m. at Saint Vincent Apr. 7, 3:00 p.m. at York Apr. 8, 3:30 p.m. vs. Thiel

Baseball:

Apr. 1, 3:00 p.m. vs. Waynesburg Apr. 2, 1:00 p.m. Waynesburg Apr. 6, 3:00 p.m. vs. Westminster Apr. 8, 4:00 p.m. at Franciscan

Men’s Track & Field:

Apr. 2, 10:00 a.m. at Slippery Rock University

Women’s Track & Field: Apr. 2, 10:00 a.m. at Slippery Rock University

Water Polo:

Apr. 2, 10:30 a.m. vs. McKendree Apr. 2, 3:30 p.m. vs. Gannon

Women’s Golf:

Apr. 2, 12:00 p.m. at Carlow Apr. 4, 12:00 p.m. at Geneva Invitational

Men’s Golf:

Apr. 4, 12:00 p.m. at Geneva Invitational

Women’s Lacrosse: Apr. 2, 1:00 p.m. at Bethany

Apr. 5, 6:00 p.m. vs. Franciscan Apr. 7, 6:00 p.m. at Waynesburg

Men’s Lacrosse:

Apr. 2, 3:00 p.m. vs. Saint Vincent

Softball:

Apr. 2, 1:00 p.m. vs. Saint Vincent (DH)

WOLVERINE WEEKLY HONORS

Mally Kilbane Brooke Stoltzfus Madison Nazigian Baseball Women’s Lacrosse Women’s Lacrosse PAC Rookie PAC Midfielder PAC Offensive Player of the Week of the Week of the Week Award

Seth Ray Sarah Jackson Lydia Bennett Lacrosse Women’s Track & Field Men’s Track & Field PAC Rookie PAC Rookie of Field Athlete of the of the Week the Week Award Week

Sports The Collegian, April 1, 2022

Page 10

Sophomore attack Trenton Steele in Wednesday’s game against No. 19, Denison. The Wolverines defeated Denison with a final score of 14-10.

Lacrosse don’t stop Men’s team defeats top DIII teams

Rachel Ledford Contributing Writer

Heading into Wednesday night’s game, the men’s lacrosse team had a threegame winning streak and home field advantage.

Denison was ranked No. 19 in Division III Lacrosse according to the Nike/USA Lacrosse Division III Men’s Top 20, as of March 28.

Going into the game, the Wolverines had some mixed results with ranked teams.

Starting off the season 2-0, the Wolverines were briefly ranked in the Top 20 them-

Tennis top of PAC

selves. Grove City won their matches against Colorado College and Illinois Wesleyan, ranked No. 14 and No. 10 at the time of their matches respectively. On the other hand, the Wolverines lost to No. 4 Christopher Newport University and No. 11 John Carroll University.

“The game is going to be a battle,” midfielder Mike LaForte said beforehand. “We expect it to be close.”

Grove City took out an early and aggressive lead, keeping Denison shutout in the first quarter 6-0. They took the first goal of the second

quarter as well, changing the six to a seven on the scoreboard just seven seconds into the quarter.

Denison finally scored their first goal during a 3-minute man-up play against the Wolverines. Denison finally found a little momentum but remained well behind Grove City at halftime; the score sat 10-5 going into the third quarter.

The third quarter saw Denison slightly narrow Grove City’s lead, with the quarter ending 12-8, but it was the Wolverines that stole the momentum. They starting

the fourth quarter with lucky goal 13 on a man-up opportunity in the first 30 seconds.

They carried that momentum through the rest of the quarter, taking their fourth straight win with an ending score of 14-10.

Senior midfielder Brett Gladstone played a fantastic game with five goals and two assists, while senior midfielder Jed Speers scored a hat trick for the Wolverines.

Freshman attack Matt Blythe and junior attack James Petrolle took two goals each. Sophomore attack Trenton Steele and freshman

GRACE DAVID

midfielder Alec Jones also added one goal each to Grove City’s score.

Sophomore

goalkeeper

Danny Stone ended the game with a career-high 18 saves, beating his previous best of 17 from Grove City’s last game against Illinois Wesleyan. Stone tied the singlegame record for saves in Wednesday night’s game Grove City plays their first conference game at 3 p.m. tomorrow on Thorne Field.

Joel Sledd

Contributing Writer The men’s lacrosse team continued their dominant season with another win at home on Wednesday night with a 9-0 sweep of Waynesburg.

Grove City swept the Yellow Jackets to earn their third 9-0 victory in a row.

All singles players won their matches including senior Karsten Lagerquist, winner of last week’s PAC men’s tennis player of the week, junior Ryne Talko, sophomore Micheal Odrey and sophomore Jameson Sposato. Sophomores Gavin Miller and Josiah Newton also contributed to the team with their victories.

In doubles action, the pairs continued the trend and won all three matches.

Lagerquist and Talko clinched an 8-0 victory, Odrey and Sposato won 8-3 and Newton and Miller won 8-2.

With a total victory over Waynesburg, the Wolverines are now 27-0 throughout

The men’s tennis team before Wednesday’s match against Waynesburg. Grove City swept the Yellow Jackets 9-0. their last three games.

After defeating Waynesburg, Grove City is now 7-2 overall and 2-0 against PAC conference teams.

As the season progresses, the Wolverines will face more conference opponents.

With the PAC championship tournament scheduled for

April 29, the Wolverines still need to play five other conference teams and three nonconference teams before the tournament play begins.

There are few obstacles that stand in the way of a deep run in the tournament, but these athletes believe they can win it all.

“I think we’ll win every single match for the rest of the season including the PAC championship,” junior Adam Scharnagl said. “Our goal is to see how far we could get in nationals and our shortterm goal is to get nationally ranked.”

First-year head coach Na-

GRACE DAVID

thaniel Horner weighed in on the remaining competition for the rest of the season: “I think we’re a little more seasoned at this point. We’re gritty and I think we’re ready for that kind of competition.”

As of now, Grove City leads TENNIS 9

Fake News

Page 11

The Foolegian, April 1, 2022

Collegian Crossword

Collegian Crossword 1

2

3

4

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8

9

10

14

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17

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19

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33

25 29

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46

27

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W, Messiah (3-2)

plain 44 To First letters in the 56 tirefour or drill homeyou rowmight be 58 What 45 Notas used asking you solve 46 The best this: (with 59books and 61 48 Electrical devices for across) medical 59 What youemergencies might be asking as you fraternity solve 49 Lacrosse this: 58 and 61 52 A(with Sunday School snack that can be across) frosted,you chocolate, or 60 Where might watch plain a makeover 61 you 56What To tire or might drill be asking as you might solve be 58 What this:asking (with as 58 you and solve 59 across) this: (with 59 and 61 across) 62 Alla ____ (cut time) 63 weather 59 Frequent What youGCC might be 64 Did monkeys asking as youwrite solve this? this: (with 58 and 61 65 What this crossword is across) 60 Where you might watch DOWN a makeover 161 Month foolish Whatwith you amight be day asking as you solve 2 Lower lumbar this: (with 58 muscle and 59 3 Frequent across) make-out location 62 Alla ____ (cut time) 463Hebrew for GCC rest weather Frequent 5 Former U.N. ambassador 6 Almost, to adhere 7 Hit new app 8 She is doomed when Aeneas leaves her 9 Fight organizer?

10 Esau was ____ 11 Illigitimate

12 Group supporting those 64 Did monkeys write with neuromuscular this? diseases 65 Assistance What this crossword is 13 21 An impressive DOWN of letters collection 1 Visible Month with a foolish 22 confusion dayancient pharaoh 26 An 27 Rho’s dance 2 The Lower lumbar muscle 28 The made-up fear 3 Frequent make-outof location words 29 4 Simple Hebrewcarbohydrates for rest 30 5 Indian Formergarment U.N. 32 Food on a stick ambassador 33 Most suitable 6 Almost, to adhere 34 7 An Hit acceptable new app response this when 8 She isto doomed 35 Nihilism Aeneas leaves her 39 intentionally 9 This Fightclue organizer? left blank 10 Esau was ____ 41 a few letters to 11 Missing Illigitimate spell a word relating to 12 Group supporting those the with Celtsneuromuscular 42 Onomatopoeia for diseases percussion music?

13 Assistance 47 type of bean 21 AAn impressive 48 It might word collectionbeofa letters 49 Collective noun for 22 Visible confusion hedgehogs 26 An ancient pharaoh 50 room talk 27 Locker The Rho's dance 51 Christmas festivity 53 He wrote fables?

54 Parents’ response to children 55 A plea to cease and desist 56 To run swiftly 57 Give up

AOC

formed that AOC would be visiting the college. One student compared his reaction to the announcement to the one he had when he didn’t study and got an A on a Dr. Bibza exam: “It doesn’t make any sense. It’s not possible.”

Members of the campus community were disappointed that the college’s other commencement speaker selections were not able to attend, thus leaving AOC as the only option. According to sources, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Andrew Cuomo and Anthony Fauci were all asked to speak at Commencement. All four declined, opening the door for Ocasio-Cortez.

A family of four who took their kids for a walk on cam-

pus this week was asked about the collection of speaker candidates. The father, who was visibly distressed, noted that if Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t speak at commencement within the next 10 years, his children will not be attending Grove City.

“Have you seen the Terminator? That is the greatest movie of all time! I don’t even know who this AOC lady is, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Bring me the Terminator or my kids will be going to Geneva.”

There are no plans to invite Schwarzenegger to campus in the near future, sources said.

I heard a voice within me say, ‘Harrison, you have to do something about this.’ So, I started this protest to stop the voices. If this doesn’t work, I’ll probably have to go back to my therapist.”

He also started a petition to ban the magical sport on campus grounds, asking the administration to step in.

Fellow Quidditch enthusiast, senior David Capaldo,

said he did not “understand what all the fuss was about.”

Speaking in a British accent, Capaldo said, “Quidditch represents the innocence of so many childhoods and the magical imagination of ‘Harry Potter.’ If people really understood that, then they would be more accepting… if they only took a moment to stop beating us.”

It was believed the rea-

doesn’t take federal funding, so we might get along,” Ocasio-Cortez said.

The Institute for Faith and Freedom (IFF) has invited the representative with open arms. Many members are excited for the rest of the college finally to understand just how laughable her policies are.

“I honestly can’t wait, I’m thrilled that she is willing to come here and speak at my graduation,” Josh Ehst, a senior member of IFF, finally.

“I can’t wait for everyone to finally realize how ridiculous her policies are.”

Several students were shocked when they were in-

QUIDDITCH continued from 12 and torches in hand, to dispel the aspiring wizards.

“I was on my morning walk with God one day when I saw a bunch of people out on the field playing what I now know to be Quidditch,” he said.

“I have to say I was pretty taken aback with what they were doing to those brooms.

W, W&J (145-40); W, La Roche (180-20)

Men’s Rock, Paper, Scissors (6-6):

ACROSS 1ACROSS Separated Separated 61Back up a vehicle 6 Back up acore vehicle 10 The ____ 10Outburst The ____ofcore 14 contemp 14Return Outburst of contemp 15 to sender 16 15European Return togrocer sender 17 character 16Sneaky European grocerclass 18 of tests class 17Location Sneaky character 19 Apple 18Large Location of device tests 20 19What Largesome Appleprofessors device might be able toprofessors say 20 What some 23 Psychedelic drug might be able to say 24 23Request Psychedelic drug 25 down carefully 24Putting Request 28 Siesta 25 Putting down carefully 29 28Nocturnal Siesta 31 this in a 29Repeat Nocturnal patriotic chant 31 Repeat this in a 32 African patrioticmountain chant 36 Amphora 32 African mountain 37 math major does this 36AAmphora 38 Formerly Ayer’s Rock 37 A math major does this 39 Insect film Rock 381998 Formerly Ayer's 40 sleepfilm 39Place 1998 to Insect 41 City sung 40 Place to about sleep in Meredith Wilson show 41 City sung about in 43 To hold closely Meredith Wilson show 44 fourclosely letters in the 43First To hold home row 45 Not used 46 The best books 48 Electrical devices for medical emergencies 49 Lacrosse fraternity 52 A Sunday School snack that can be frosted, chocolate, or

continued from 1

Results

Women’s Quiddich (8-2):

45

53

Glance at a sports

L, Geneva (5-2)

42

52

28 The made-up fear of words 29 Simple carbohydrates 30 Indian garment 32 Food on a stick 33 Most suitable 34 An acceptable response to this 35 Nihilism 39 This clue intentionally left blank 41 Missing a few letters to spell a word relating to the Celts 42 Onomatopoeia for percussion music?

47 A type of bean 48 It might be a word 49 Collective noun for hedgehogs 50 Locker room talk 51 Christmas festivity 53 He wrote fables?

54 Parents' response to children 55 A plea to cease and desist 56 To run swiftly 57 Give up

Women’s Log Roll (4-7):

39

47

57

13

31

38

40

56

26

35

37

12

22

28 32

11

Men’s Slam Poetry (9-0): W, Westminster (0-8)

Upcoming Men’s Pillow Fight: Apr. 2, 9:30 p.m. at Houghton Apr. 3, 11:00 a.m. vs. Ohio St. Apr. 9, 3:30 p.m. vs. Slippery Rock

Women’s Chainsmoking: Apr. 6, 6:00 p.m. vs. La Roche Apr. 7, 2:00 a.m. vs. Illinois Wesleyan

Women’s Wordle: Apr. 4, 4:00 p.m. vs. Fredonia Apr. 6, 5:00 p.m. at W&J Apr. 7, 7:00 p.m. vs. Saint Vincent

BattleBots: Apr. 1, 3:00 p.m. vs Waynesburg Apr. 2, 1:00 p.m. at Waynesburg Apr. 6, 3:00 p.m. vs Westminster

WOLVERINE WEEKLY HONORS

Rachel Ledford Noah “Sport” Larsen Women’s Tax Evasion PAC Honors Men’s Tetris PAC of the Week Champion

son that the Quidditch Club ceased operations on campus two years ago was due to the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. Headmaster Brian J. Dellinger said this was not the case.

“My Quidditch students stopped playing because of the intense mobs that showed up to each game. I hoped the college’s student body would get past this by

Benjamin “Weird Hands” Cooley Men’s Champion

now, but, alas, most can’t appreciate the wonderful sport that is Quidditch,” Dellinger said.

Editor’s note: Anyone interested in actually restarting the Quidditch Club should actually talk to Dr. Dellinger — no joke.

Sports The Foolegian, April 1, 2022

Page 12

LAX goes Greek

MAGGIE WILIAMS / CHRIS MURPHY

Lambda Alpha Chi named eleventh fraternity Emily Rupczewski Sports Editor

Lambda Alpha Chi (LAX) has officially been approved as the college’s eleventh campus fraternity.

Consisting exclusively of players on the men’s varsity lacrosse team as its entire pledge class, new members will be permitted to rush and pledge beginning next school year.

LAX will move its block housing to the second floor of Ketler Hall, where most

of the current group resides already.

In addition to their housing status, the frat’s colors have been announced as red and white. It will appear on their traditional Greek memorabilia, including apparel and paddles. LAX’s official animal is none other than the Wolverine.

After being promoted from a successful club team to an NCAA Division III team in 2018, the group of players has always been a true brotherhood.

The realization struck

when LAX hosted their first unofficial team formal in December of 2019 but had no idea that their inside joke would take flight.

The success of the LAX formal made the team realize that their team spirit and unofficial block housing hall ought to be recognized as an official school Greek group.

But the team did not think that their proposal would be welcomed with such enthusiasm, since the last fraternity to be established on campus was Phi Tau Alpha back in 1966.

In order to up the number of fraternities up from ten to eleven, it took LAX a great deal of harassing the Student Life office. In wake of the pandemic, amidst other concerns that took precedence over another Greek group, it took former Associate Dean of Student Life and Learning John Coyne three entire years to respond to LAX. After many pleas, meetings and paperwork, the college officially approved LAX to join the other fraternities.

LAX welcomes a total group and official first-year

Bye bye bricks Emily Rupczewski Sports Editor

Things get a little heated on the Quidditch pitch. Looks like magic can’t fix every problem.

WFAE

Muggles restart Quidditch Club

David Zimmermann

Editor-in-Chief ` After two years without students running with broomsticks between their legs on campus, the Quidditch Club has returned with a vengeance to the dismay of most of the student body.

The real-life sport, created

by J.K. Rowling for the biographical “Harry Potter” series, pits two teams of Muggles against each other – one

team playing as Gryffindor, and the other as Slytherin.

Each team consists of seven players – one seeker, three chasers, two beaters and one keeper.

The goal of the sport is to gain as many points as possible before either team’s seeker catches the Golden Snitch (a runner dressed in yellow).

To score, players throw the quaffle (volleyball) into one of three hoops while evading the three magical bludgers

(dodgeballs).

For the full list of rules, watch the movies.

As the weather started getting warmer in mid-March, students reported sightings of Quidditch players on Robert E. Thorn Field and Don Lyle Field.

Rather than stand back and do nothing, senior Harrison Peñaflor organized an angry mob, with pitchforks QUIDDITCH 11

pledge class of 36.

President of the LAX fraternity is senior Jed Speers, and his vice president is senior Cody Adams. Secretary for the group is junior James Petrolle, and junior Jack Petit serves as the group’s treasurer.

The group has nominated Ryanne Van Overloop as their sweetheart. Van Overloop also serves as the LAX team manager.

For now, you can find the men’s lacrosse team repping GCC on the field, and LAX in the streets.

Football has officially announced that it will not be moving forward with the spring season after an accident occurred in the Phillips Field House yesterday afternoon before the team was scheduled to begin their first NCAA-permitted practice.

While players were in the locker room before the scheduled practice, an earthquake rattled Phillips Field House causing the brick structure to collapse with the team still inside the building.

Players reported feeling tremors in the ground but brushed it off, believing it was the lacrosse team blasting their trap music. As they continued to dress for practice, the earthquake hit, crumbling the entire building.

“We were getting ready for practice when the building collapsed,” sophomore offensive lineman Caleb Halaja said. “Good thing for me, I always put on my helmet first.”

The National Weather Service later confirmed that the cause of the damage was a 6.0 magnitude earthquake.

After hours of attempting to escape from the debris, players managed to dig themselves out, brick by brick.

By ensuring that no man was left behind, the team proved that each of us truly needs all of us.

In an even more valiant effort, the team managed not only to pull themselves out from the bricks, but their coaches too.

“Brick by brick became quite literal when we had to pull Coach DiDo from under a pile of bricks,” junior center and guard Vinny LePre said.

“Coach Dido, however, focused on his vision of making it out of there, and not on just the circumstance of the one hundred plus bricks crushing his ribs, and we are thankful no one was seriously hurt,” he said.

LePre, along with others helped save the lives not only of DiDonato but also the rest of the coaching staff as well, including hype man and associate head coach, offensive line coach and recruiting coordinator Derek Baney, amongst others.

Last night, LePre and the football team were recognized as the PAC’s Heroes of the Week for their historic saves, not in football, but in the valuable game of life.

Their selflessness caught the attention of news outlets around the world.

LePre and company will be featured on the Ellen show later in the week.

Luckily, no deaths were reported. However, multiple players were injured, thus bringing the spring season to a halt. No one was critically injured, but players were evaluated by trainers and taken to Grove City Hospital out of precaution.

CONFUSED?

See the disclaimer on page 2 for a “fool” explanation.