GROWING UP GAY

GROWING UP GAY WITH 21 ST-CENTURY POP CULTURE

Rachel Badham looks at the influence popular culture has on young LGBTQ+ identities and how it helped her find her home in Brighton

) For young people growing up queer, I would argue that defining markers in their experience of self-discovery are the popular culture products that triggered certain realisations regarding their identity. Now 21 and openly queer, my teenage years consisted of the soul-searching process that most members of the LGBTQ+ community have undergone, and pop culture was often what provoked a greater understanding of myself. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I credit Star Wars as one of the main predecessors to my self-realisation regarding my sexuality. My older brother frequently watched the film franchise on VHS during my childhood, and I had a fascination with Princess Leia and Padmé Amidala, which, in retrospect, is what I would describe as a classic case of celebrity crushes. Both these women were beautiful and graceful, but equally powerful and courageous; the admiration I felt for them was not strange to me, as the feelings of internalised shame our society often creates within those who don’t adhere to social norms hadn’t yet instilled itself within me.

However, in my early teens when I seriously questioned my sexuality, consuming queer pop culture became a source of discomfort, and maybe even shame for me. I had developed confusing feelings for a female peer in one of my classes at school, but hastily brushed this aside. After finding a video of Bria & Chrissy (a well-known American lesbian couple) on the YouTube homepage, I decided to watch it. After that, I continued to watch other content creators such as Ash Hardell and Rose & Rosie. While it was comforting to see a collection of people who were so unapologetic about their queerness, there was something unsettling about many of these YouTube videos. While I now watch the wonderful content these personalities produce without a second thought, as an early teen they represented a source of fear to me as I’d been constantly denying my sexuality, yet the online LGBTQ+ presence was proof that it was possible to live openly gay – a thought that sends chills down the spine of any teenager who has spent their school years hearing the words gay and lesbian used as insults.

Media representation also became a source of great empowerment for me and is ultimately one of the driving forces that led to me being comfortable with my identity, and now proud of it. Couples such as Santana and Brittany

SANTANA & BRITTANY, GLEE from Glee, and Kelly and Yorkie from Black Mirror’s San Junipero demonstrated that it was possible to have healthy and emotionally fulfilling same-sex relationships despite societal adversity. Bisexual characters Brittany and Kelly were huge sources of validation for me, as I often questioned my place in the LGBTQ+ community as a cisgender woman who wasn’t strictly attracted to women only. Songstress Hayley Kiyoko, known by her fans as ‘Lesbian Jesus’, also played a key role in my understanding of my sexuality. I stumbled on her hit song Girls Like Girls in 2015 and, like the majority of queer pop culture products from 2013-2017, it made me somewhat uncomfortable simply because I was ashamed of my emerging queer identity. However, she was the first artist I came across who produced unapologetically queer music that used female pronouns in a romantic sense and was accompanied by lesbian-centric music videos; the more of her music I heard the more empowering I found it. Hayley created music that validated my experiences as a girl who

ROSE & ROSIE

liked girls, and the overwhelming support she’s received throughout her music career demonstrated to me that queer women being their authentic selves have just as much ability to thrive as anyone else. It also led to me listening to other queer female music artists, like Marika Hackman and Janelle Monáe, who both celebrated the beauty of loving women. Queer media representation was also what encouraged me to move to Brighton initially. I found the process of deciding which university to go to incredibly difficult, as I questioned whether or not I was actually ready to make the move. Watching the 2005 Channel 4 adaptation of Julie Burchill’s Sugar Rush when I was in my late teens was a confirmation to me that going to the University of Sussex was the right choice. When teenager Kim moves to Brighton in the show, it becomes the place where she is able to explore her sexuality as she falls in love with her new friend and ‘total goddess’ Sugar. Although I knew I was queer before moving to Brighton, it was being here and being surrounded by other LGBTQ+ people in such a gay-friendly area that finally made me feel at ease enough to talk openly about my sexuality with friends and family. It is often difficult and unsettling to confront your identity, and in retrospect I understand why I often felt a degree of hostility towards things that left me considering my sexuality in a world where heterosexuality is the default. However, without pop culture that provided me with a safe space to gain an understanding of my sexuality, I most certainly wouldn’t feel as content with myself as I do today. As Ms Kiyoko reminded us in her 2020 hit song She, we can be unashamedly gay and no one can make us less.

MORE INFO

I www.instagram.com/briaandchrissy T www.twitter.com/ashhardell Y www.youtube.com/RoseandRosie D www.hayleykiyokoofficial.com

KELLY & YORKIE