Hoping
By Angie Chou The Audio: https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ah2yx63s4mlqpdp/ AABT4KXVCSZYo_85JDVE2zSZa
HOPING How can a person live when his or her life is extremely painful? Zona’s life is full of pain and sadness. Her grandmother, Martha looks down on her for her abnormal hand and spoils her sister, Sheila. Her sister often mocks at her, whereas her father does not care about it. Thus, Zona suicides several times and is sent to a hospital for a psychotherapy. The nice psychiatrist, Claire helps her to go through the difficulties, and Zona starts to search for her disappeared mother, the true reason why her grand-mother hates her‌
Instructor: Kenneth M. Smith Number of Words: 17,033 Words in Oxford 3000: 94%
For those who are lost in their life
About the Author
Angie Chou is the author of this story, Hoping. This is her first long novel and she is inspired from her philosophy class discussing whether God exist or not. She spends a lot of time watching films, reading plays and playing her ukulele.
Characters Zona Lopez
18 years old
self-abased because of her abnormal hand with 6 curved fingers
introverted and sympathetic
Sheila Lopez
Zona’s sister
16 years old
a party lover and heavy smoker
a selfish person and often mocks at Zona as “Zojerk
Zona’s Mother
a mystery woman
Zona’s families rarely talks about her. It is almost like a forbidden topic
Martha Lopez
Zona’s grandmother
68 years old
a difficult person and look down on Zona
Bruce Lopez
Zona’s father
43 years old
a cold business man
Claire Turner
Zona’s psychiatrist
29 years old
A gentle and intelligent person
Table of Contents Ch1 Dying……………………….P.1 Ch2 Whitening…………………..P.7 Ch3 Back to Life………………..P.16 Ch4 Detergent…………………..P.24 Ch5 Zona’s Diary I……………...P.33 Ch6 She………………………….P.37 Ch7 Zona’s Diary II……………..P.48 Ch8 Lighthouse………………….P.55 Ch9 Zona’s Diary III…………….P.74 Ch10 Opposition………………...P.84 Ch11 Zona’s Diary IV………….P.107
Ch12 Help……………………...P.127 Ch13 Zona’s Diary V…………..P.138 Ch14 Hurt………...……………P.145 Ch15 Zona’s Diary VI…………P.155 Ch16 Skyscraper………………P.171 Ch17 Zona’s Diary VII………..P.182 Ch18 Changing………………..P.206 Ch19 Zona’s Diary VIII……….P.220 Ch20 Dawn…………………….P.228
Chapter 1 Dying “The feeling is just like someone forgets to turn off a tap.�
Inside a dark bathroom, Zona laid in a bathtub feeling wounds on her body. She bled and bled; more blood came out reddening the bathtub. The sharp knife on the floor reflected her look, a young thin 1
pale girl in a dark blue shirt with an abnormal curved left hand with six fingers. Zona hated her monstrous left hand, her figure, and even her life. All of her families disliked her because of her hand. This was not the first time she cut her left wrist. She could not remember how many times she had done or when it started. “Everything is going to end.� She thought and smiled with tears dropping through her white face. She felt colder and 2
colder from her back. She was caged in her lonely, depressed and hopeless life – while she was going to escape. All of a sudden, a high pitch voice scraped Zona’s ears, “Shit! Zojerk locks the bathroom again. Why don’t you die in your room? Or you can jump down from a skyscraper, you will die sooner! Grandma!” Zona’s sister kept kicking the door of the bathroom. Sounds of heavy footsteps followed the bluster, “Dear…alright…bathroom 3
downstairs…your sister…”
Martha
spoke in a low voice, she could not hear clearly. Then, she heard a man spoke to her grandmother in a calm and lower voice. “Mom…call the ambulance…” “Bruce…happened many times…again…why not…” Zona felt dizzy and hardly recognize what they said. Her eyelids dropped and then she lost consciousness. As she became conscious, she felt 4
freezing cold. She opened her eyes and saw the night in Chicago without stars or a moon, in a complete darkness. It was already late October at a temperature about 46 ℉. She was raised in the air so that she knew that she was carried on a stretcher which two men held in their strong tanned hands. Suddenly, she realized she was going to be sent to a hospital and tried to move her limbs. Nevertheless, against her expectation, they were stiff like rocks. The men put her in 5
an ambulance and closed the car door. Immovably, Zona felt cold inside of the white vehicle driving to endless darkness.
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Chapter 2 Whitening When Zona saw a white ceiling, she knew that she was still alive. Holding herself erect, she glanced around, a white sheet covering her body, a white pillow, a white cabinet beside a bed, the white wall of this room and a window with white frame. “I am glad you finally awake.” Zona did not expect anyone but herself in the room and was shocked by the woman’s sound. Quickly, she turned 7
back and saw a young blonde woman with blue eyes wearing a white coat on a sofa next to the bed. “I hope I didn’t scare you, Zona. I’m your doctor, Claire.” Claire stretched out her hand and would like to shake hands with Zona. However, Zona only stared at Claire’s hand lifting in the air. Although Claire was a little bit embarrassed, she soon changed the topic. “You mustn’t know that you have slept for two days. You must be hungry. 8
Here is your breakfast.” From a round table beside the sofa, Claire took a tray with bread, scrambled eggs and bacon on a plate and a cup of grape juice and a bowl of corn chowder. Zona put the tray on the bed and picked the juice and drank slowly. “Your father has told me about your condition, about your wrist cutting, so after you discharged from hospital, I am going to talk with you every Saturday morning.” Claire said in a serious tone and then she thought it might be too serious. 9
Thus, she added, “You don’t have to be worried about the talks. It’s just like chatting with your friends. I won’t tell your father anything about our conversations. That will be our secret.” Zona seemed not interested in her words. She did not look at Claire in her talk and ate the bread in small bites. “Zona,” Claire tried to catch Zona’s attention. “Since our first talk started from Today, what would you like to talk about?” 10
Zona shrugged her shoulders. “Well, let’s start from something happened not long ago. You have slept for two days. What did you dream in your sleep? ” “ Dream.”
This word was repeated
in Zona’s mind. The darkness in a wardrobe, the screaming of a woman, the smell of blood and everything was red. Red spurted on everything. Red was the only color. While someone stared in the dark, there was someone. 11
“Zona, Zona,…Zona! Do you hear me? ” As Zona lifted her head, behind the door of the room, she saw her father face, dark brown eyes that were always calm and cold, a long nose, thin lips. She felt cold: he might watch her since her awakening. 12
Claire followed the direction of Zona’s sight and found out Zona’s father. “Do you want me to ask him to leave?” Claire asked. Zona did not speak but held the sheet tidily. Next, Claire went out to speak with him. Zona could not guess what they talked about from their expressions so turn to see the sky from the window. “Isn’t it bright and clear?” After a while, Claire came back. “Umm.” 13
Zona shrugged her shoulders. “That’s why my parents call me Claire. When you see a clear sky, you feel happy. Do you know why you’re called Zona?” Zona could only think of the name that her sister called her, “Zojerk.” Thus, she remained silence. “Maybe you will find the meaning of your name by yourself in the end.” “What did you say to my father?” Zona asked abruptly. 14
“I said we had a small chat and would like him to leave. By the way, I told him your body is fine now. You can leave the hospital tomorrow.” “Tomorrow.” Zona repeated. “Yeah, tomorrow. Take a rest. See you next Saturday, Zona.” Claire waved her hand with a smile and existed. “Tomorrow…” Zona said and sighed.
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Chapter 3 Back to Life
It was about 4 o’clock in the afternoon. The sun was going to sink. Leaves of trees on roads turned red and yellow. Few passengers with wind coats walked on sidewalks. Beside pavements, two rows of town houses with two or three floors were settled. 16
Zona resting chin on right hand looked out the window of the car. Next to Zona, Bruce drove the car with a dead-pan face. They had already left the city centerthe hospital, skyscrapers and crowds; they were heading to their house. A few more minutes later, there was no sunlight and streetlights were lightened. In front of Zona and Bruce, they saw a villa with five floors isolated in the night. Bruce pressed his remote control of the car and parked his black Mercedes-Benz 17
in the garage at the back of the villa. They walked into the house and went to the dining room. The dinner was already prepared on a long dining table with a white sheet. Bruce sat in the front of the table; Martha sat in back of it. On the other hand, Sheila and Zona sat each side of it. “I have suspended your schooling.� Bruce said. Zona was using her fork to put her beef on the plate into her mouth and she 18
suddenly stopped. Then, she put down the fork. “Me?” Sheila asked. “Not you.” Bruce answered. Zona turned her head and looked at Bruce. “Stop her schooling! Ha… She will lock herself in the bathroom next week. Zojerk will always be Zojerk.” Sheila sneered. “It won’t work.” Martha said. “Exactly! Grandma said so.” Sheila 19
said. “Zona, afterwards, you decide what you want to do.” Bruce said. “Look at her. What’s she able to do?” Sheila laughed. “I’m full.” Zona said and wiped her lips. Some beef, potatoes and mushrooms were left on her plate. She pushed her chair backward and went upstairs behind the table. “Great. Be huffy.” Martha said and that was also the last phrase Zona heard. 20
Without light, Zona lied on her bed and stared at the ceiling of her room. A few minutes later, Sheila walked into the room with a white long cigarette in her mouth. Then, she turned on the light. Zona could not bear the hush white light and covered her eyes with pillows. Sheila 21
rummaged around in Zona’s cabinets; Zona heard the sound. “What are you doing? And don’t smoke in my room.” Zona said with a narrow eyes because of light. Sheila took a packet of white powder from the partition of the cabinet. “It’s none of your business. And I want to smoke here now, Zojerk.” Sheila stared at Zona. She shook off cigarette butts down the floor and existed. Zona wrapped the butts by a piece of 22
tissue paper, while there were some left. Zona’s tears dropped next to them and she used another piece of tissue to wrap them up. Still, the floor was not clean with several small dots and Zona’s tears dropped on them.
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Chapter 4 Detergent In a consulting room, the sun shone bright and warm from a window. Claire sat on a black wooden chair. She put her brown fabric bag beside her. On the opposite to her, Zona sat on a yellow coach with two light blue pillows. A round table covering an orange and white checked table cloth was between them. The shadow of objects was long and thin. “It is a questionnaire that helps me to know more about you. 1 means you 24
totally disagree with it. 5 means you totally agree with it.” Claire gave Zona a pencil and the questionnaire. Zona finished writing the questionnaire quickly and handed it to Claire. As Claire saw the result of it, her eyes were wide open. “You choose 5 for every question?” Zona nodded. “You always have a headache and you feel depressed?” Zona nodded. 25
“You feel that you have never been happy?” Zona nodded. “Don’t you think you can be happy?” “No.’’ “Why?” Zona did not answer Claire’s question. She turned her head and avoided Claire’s eye sight. “I hope I can help you. If you can tell me why you can’t be happy, I will know you more. Then, I will be able to help 26
you.” Zona closed her eyes and shook her head. “Do you think that I’m not able to help you?” Zona lowered her head to hide her face. She felt a great number of buds sucking her blood and Claire tried to spurt detergent on her to kill buds. Nevertheless, Claire did not know they had already parasitized in Zona’s body. “Nobody is deprived the chance to 27
feel happy. God is willing to give everyone happiness.” Zona raised her head and stared at Claire angrily. Her eyes were full of tears that almost dropped down. “Then why does he do so?” Zona lifted her abnormal left hand to show Claire and she spoke with sobs as having a lump in her throat. “I cannot tell God’s well, but I believe he has his meaning for it.” “What meaning?” 28
“I don’t know.” “How much can you help me?” “I don’t know.” Zona gazed sadly at Claire and her tears dropped upon her pale cheeks. “You’re right. I don’t know how much I can help you. I don’t know why God does it. I don’t know the meaning of it. I cannot stop those things that seems wrong. The only thing I can do is to listen, listen to your sadness, your fear, your misery. At least there is a person accompanies you to 29
go through.” Claire said sorrowfully and dropped her tears. Zona cried and covered her face with her right hand. “If you feel the vacancy of your life, then we try to fill it up together. Like a puzzle, we can finish it together.” Zona cried in a louder sound with her trembling lips. Claire tapped Zona’s shaking shoulder gently. “It’s alright. There are only us.” The light from the window was 30
getting stronger. The shadow of object became short, almost gone. Zona walked towards the door with Claire. When Zona opened the door, Claire gave Zona a notebook from her bag.
“This notebook is a present for you. No matter what you can write down on it, something sad, something angry, something happy. As I’m not with you, 31
you can share everything with it.� Zona looked at the notebook for seconds. Finally, she nodded her head and took it under her arm.
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Chapter 5 Zona’s Diary I November 10th
Sunday
I always feel I am worthless especially as those miserable memories come across my mind. My mother has left me since I was so young that I was hard to remember things about her. My mother abandoned me maybe because of my abnormal hand. My grandmother hates me because of my abnormal hand. My sister mocked at me because of my abnormal hand. I wonder why I have to suffer all 33
these things! I cannot tell when my painful life started. The sorest and clearest event that I can remember is probably at a rainy evening when I was eight years old. I was locked outside my home, no, not home, just the house. I put all my effort knocking the door, but nobody opened it for me. Then, I cried loudly, “Open the door! Open the door!� However, there was no answer from the house. Two or three people passed by, while they did not stop. 34
They only looked at me and murmured about me. They walked even faster when they saw that I waved my hands asking their help. The rain became heavier and heavier. The rain drops falling on my face were hurt. My knees kneeled down since I was too tired to stand. I looked up and found out my sister was standing at the French window. She was staring at me. My grandmother came next to her and took her away with no expressions. 35
At last, I was not able to kneel and fell down in front of the house. I looked at the sky wondering why it happened. Why did my grandmother lock me out? Why did nobody help me? Why my mother left me and let this happen to me? I stretched out my left hand wanting to reach the sky. I wanted to ask God, “Why did you make it happen?� After all, I blacked out and the rest is just now my life- worse than a dog life.
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Chapter 6 She The gray round smoke was out from Bruce mouth. His right hand took a long and thick Cohiba cigar. He was in a single dark brown cowhide coach, while Martha sat on another long coach with the same suite. Next to the coach was a big clean French window. In front of the coach, there was a mahogany table. A merbau cigar ashtray with pure copper at the center was on the table. They were in the living room separating from the dining 37
room by a sliding door. Zona stood behind the door and listened to Bruce and Martha’s chat. Martha began the conversation with a frown. “Do you wire the money to that account?” “Certainly. I wire the money at the first of every month as usual.” “That woman is our burden indeed. We blow fifty thousand dollars on her every month. Wasting our money.” Bruce did not speak for a moment and 38
shook the butts of the cigar to the cigar ashtray. “I asked Washer to handle some business of electronic factories.” “Washer? That old slicker?” “Well, I still have some work for him to do. I will dismiss him as he’s worthless. Umm, do you need any money for household expense?” “No, I will tell you as I need it. About that attic…” “Anything wrong?” 39
“Do you lock it up?” “That door is always locked. What happened?” “No. I’m just worried.” Zona bent low her head with a frowned as she has a deep thought. Then, she tiptoed quietly up the stairs. When she reached at the door of the attic, she tried to revolve the door knob. However, she could not open it and frown again.
40
Suddenly, she opened her eyes widely like she came up an idea. She took a hair pin from her pocket and stooped to examine the key hole carefully. Next, she inserted the hair pin into the key hole and revolved it several times. After that, the door was opened. 41
Zona walked into the room slowly. A strong smell of the old wooden furniture came into her nose, and the dark brown woody floor made the creaking sound. She tried hard to make her footsteps light for avoiding the noise from the floor. At the middle of the room, there was a cream wardrobe with golden lines. A great number of beige cases were at both sides of the wardrobe. She opened the wardrobe and a moldy smell came out from it. The unpleasant scent was from the torn coats 42
hanging in the wardrobe. Under the coats were some discolored clothes and a black leather gloves was on the surface of them. Zona took the gloves and smelt them. Fortunately, they did not have the scent of mildew. Next, she put the glove on her left hand and she found out she was able to put her pinky and the sixth finger into the last finger hood. Then, she put the gloves in her right pocket. After that, Zona went to the right side of the wardrobe. She opened one of the 43
cases which contained varied kinds of toys- teddy bears, blue and red rubber balls, small toy cars in different colors and Lego bricks. Later, she opened another case that had some books. She took one of them and leafed through. Then, she realized it was not a book but a photo album. In the preceding of it were some photos in black and white. After a few pages, there were full-color photos and one photo engaged her full attention. There were a couple and a baby in the 44
picture, and she recognized the young man in the picture is her father. Bruce was wearing a black suit and was standing behind the unknown woman in a long small floral print dress sitting on a chair with a baby holding in her arms. Under the picture, there was a handwritten line, “Bruce Lopez and Rachel Morris.” Zona took the photo in her hand and thought aloud, “Rachel Morris? Who is she? Who else can she be?” Finally, Zona stopped staring at it and 45
put it in her left pocket. To prevent making any sound, Zona carefully closed the door and locked it up. She walked downstairs soundlessly; unfortunately, she saw Bruce was just walking upstairs to the attic. Bruce looked at her with sharp eyes while Zona felt her heart was bumping quickly. “What are you doing there?” “What’s in the room?” Zona thought awhile and tried to speak calmly. “Just some old stuff.” 46
Zona passed by Bruce and pretended nothing had happened. Suddenly, Bruce called her. “Didn’t you go to that room?” “No. The door is locked.” Zona turned back her head and said. At that moment, Bruce saw a part of the gloves out from her pocket; however, she did not know that. Zona walked downstairs with a free mind assuming nobody knew she had been there.
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Chapter 7 Zona’s Diary II November 21st
Thursday
After going to the attic, a large number of questions have burst into my head: “Who is the woman in that picture? Rachel Morris? Is she my mother? Why did she leave me? Where is she now? How is her life?” I keep thinking of these, whereas I cannot come up with answers. Unless I find her and ask her those questions, I will not figure out forever. On the other hand, I am worried what if she 48
does not want to see me? Will she look down on me as grandmother? Will I find her? Maybe it is just a waste of time. Since I was so obsessed about that woman (or I should call her Rachel Morris), I talked about the findings from the attic with Claire last Saturday. Nevertheless, I still doubt whether Claire really cares about me. From the last chat, some words she said made me depressed; on the other hand, some motions she did showed her concern for me. 49
“I heard grandmother and father talked about my mother, and the woman in that photo that I told you I found in the attic should be my mother. I start to think whether I should find her. But, maybe, she doesn’t want to see me. Claire, do you think I should find her?” I asked Claire. “Follow your heart, and you will make the right decision.” She said. It seemed that she avoided answering my question. She did not want to take the responsibility if she made wrong 50
suggestions. At that time, I was really disappointed at her respond. It was like I asked her to help me work out a puzzle; nonetheless she gave me another puzzle asking me to figure out. Then, I told her, “I don’t know.” For seconds, I waited her to say something, whereas I did not get her respond. “Quasimodo is a kindhearted man, but people disgust at him because of his ugly figure. He can only stay at Notre Dame de Paris to toll the bells. I guess my mother 51
left me because of my hand.” “Zona…” While I wanted her to speak something, she did not say anything. Therefore, I did not give her a chance to speak then and continued my words.
“Quasimodo does not get anything from his kind heart. He does not even 52
have the happy ending, neither will I.” “Zona, there are some people like Quasimodo doesn’t have their own happy endings. Therefore, you have to fight for them. You have to live. You have to prove that even the people like Quasimodo can have their own happiness. Zona, you can have your own happiness.” Claire held my left hand and said in a firm tone. Nobody wants to see my ugly left hand, and touching my left hand is a more difficult thing. However, she could 53
hold it tightly. Also, the way that she said shows that she really hope me to become happy. Maybe she is more concerned about me than I imagine. Maybe I will find my own happiness.
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Chapter 8 Lighthouse In the living room, Bruce facing towards the French window smoked a cigar and talked on his Blueberry cell phone. Zona stood behind him with a pair of gloves in her pocket and thought what she was going to say to convince her father to let her go out, “Will he believe me that I am going to work at Burger King? He might think that is impossible because my hand may scare customers. However, I can answer that I will work in kitchen that 55
won’t bother customers and the staff will be used to it. Anyway, I must go out if I want to find my mother.” “No, you just do whatever I told you.” “Umm…” Bruce heard Zona’s sound and turned back. Bruce looked at Zona with a confused face. “I decide to work at Burger King. I mean…” “Wait a minute.” Bruce talked to the person on the phone. Then, He took some 56
bank notes from his wallet and gave them to Zona. She hesitated for moments whether she should accept the money. Still, she reached out a hand and took it. After that, Bruce turned back and kept talking on the phone. Zona did not expect that Bruce would agree her decision and doubted why her father gave her money. Despite of the odd event, in the afternoon, Zona wore a long black coat with a pair of black gloves and put on a grey broad-brimmed hat. She 57
started to search for her mother and asked a female salesclerk in a shoes store at first. “Have you seen this madam? She is called Rachel Morris.” Zona handed the picture to the salesclerk. “No.” She shook her head. “Well, thank you.” Zona then went to a women clothing store and a tea house. Nonetheless, the salesclerk in stores did not know the woman. After three weeks, Zona still could not 58
find anything about her mother. Until, in a Friday evening, she seating on a red sofa ate a cheese salad in a restaurant. A blonde waitress in a white apron helped a young man with a red cap in a pair of torn blue jeans order a meal.
“Just a hot chocolate?” “And you.” “Sorry, it’s not on the menu.” 59
At that moment, a waiter in a white apron as the one that waitress wore went into the restaurant in a hurry and turned up the cuff of his shirt. The waitress turned back and saw him. She came towards him and took hold of his arm. Then, the young man looked pretty upset about it. The waitress ignored his depressed figure and chatted with the waiter. “Hey, John. Why do you come so late? Umm…the smell of alcohol. Do you drink?” 60
“I went to Lighthouse last night.” “You stayed whole night at that bar?” “It’s great to chat with the owner. You know that she knows everything in Chicago.” When Zona heard the men’s words, she stopped eating. “That strange old woman?” “Never mind. You won’t understand.” The waitress looked at John unhappily and then she went to the kitchen. After that, Zona waved her hands to him for 61
making new order. “Please give me a soup with puff pastry crowns.” “Ok.” While the waiter was going to leave, Zona called him. “Wait a minute. Where is the bar that you said?” “Don’t you know Lighthouse? Oh God! Are you a Chicagoan?” “Yes, I am.” “I will take you there tonight. You 62
can’t be a Chicagoan if you haven’t been to Lighthouse.” After the dinner, Zona and John crossed several roads and arrived the bar at the end of a small dark street where there was only a street lamp. The fascia of the bar, “Lighthouse” were with dim yellow light. Under the fascia was a big dark red wooden door. Beside the door were two windows with thick brown frame. Zona could see the light in the bar through the windows. Nevertheless, since 63
the light was so weak, she was unable to see anything else there. Then, John opened the door. Zona hesitated a moment, however, she still followed him into the bar. As Zona stepped in, she heard the slow jazz music. On the stage, an old black man with grey hair in a white suit played a saxophone, and a white girl with long brown hair in a red dress played a piano next to him. Next to the door, the fat owner with a pink feather into her black 64
hair had a strange make-up with purple eye shadow, red blush and black lipstick at the counter. She was in a Middle-East style orange gossamer and wiped wine glasses. Zona and John sat on bar chairs in front of the counter.
“What do you want?� The owner spoke in a deep voice. 65
“Same as usual. Please give this lady the same one.” John said. The owner mixed some drinks and gazed at Zona. “Are you a Chicagoan?” She asked. “Yes.” Zona responded. “Do you know who I am?” “The owner of this bar?” “Ta ta ta…No. I am Wilhelmina Soloman Delani Montserrat. Zona looked surprised and confused at her. 66
“Just call me Mina.” Mina said with a smile, and then Zona smiled too. “Everyone was surprised at her long, long name.” John said. “That’s just for fun. Enjoy your cocktails.” Mina gave the cocktails to John and Zona. At that moment, the jazz music was stopped, and the customers in the bar all clapped the players heartily. The old black man and the white girl nodded their heads to thank them. The man walked toward a 67
group of guests to have a chat; the girl walked toward John. “May I buy you a drink?” John asked to the girl. She gave him an attractive smile, and then they went to another table. “Ta ta ta…Men are all the same.” Mina said. “I heard that you know everything in Chicago?” Zona asked. “Yap, almost.” “Do you know this madam? She is 68
called Rachel Morris.” Zona gave the photo of the woman to Mina. “Well… I do know a woman called Rachel. She was a regular customer at this bar before. She usually drank from the night to the next day morning. Probably her husband cheated on her. Most of the middle women that drunk in the bar was because of their husbands’ affairs. I remembered the last time I saw her. A good man asked her where her home is. Then he gave her a drive to her home, and 69
she never came.” “Do you know where she lives?” “Ta ta ta…What’s the relationship between you?” “Ah, I am her distant relative.” “Umm, it’s a long time ago. If my memory serves me right, she lives at S Clark street. There are many flowers and bushes around her house.” Mina looked at the back of Zona. “Watch out the man behind you. He keeps looking at you.” Mina spoke to 70
Zona in a low voice. Zona turned back her head and saw a mysterious man about thirty years old in a black beret and a blacked jacket stared at her in the corner. His black eyes were like two big holes showing nothing inside. He had a square white face with stubble. Under his face was a glass of raw beer on the round brown table. Next, Zona turned back her head again quickly and felt dizzy. “Ta ta ta… Long Island Iced drink is pretty strong.” 71
Zona existed Lighthouse and squatted at a street. She threw up everything that she had eaten or drunk. Behind her, a pimp in a shirt with flowers walked towards Zona with a smile. “Sir, do you want to find a place to rest? I have many hot chicks at my place. I promise they must comfort you.” Zona put off her glove and showed her abnormal hand to the pimp. “Get away! Away!” “Oh! Monster! Monster!” 72
The pimp was scared of her hand and run away quickly. Zona watched him running away and gazed at her hand for minutes.
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Chapter 9 Zona’s Diary III December 7th
Saturday
In the morning, I told Claire that I found out a clue about my mother from Lighthouse. She was really glad about it, whereas she was worried of the pimp. The situation was not difficult as she think, and actually he ran away quickly as he saw my hand. However, she still concerned about my safety and insisted that she would give me a drive for finding my mother tomorrow. Now I can sure that 74
she does care about me. Nevertheless, I feel very depressed about the event that just happened a while ago, and I even want to give up finding my mother because of it.
Half an hour ago, in front of the mirror out of the bathroom, I held a 75
picture of my mother in my hand and practiced how to speak to her if I met her. I was so cheerful at that time. I felt that I was going to meet her. “Hi, I know it’s kind of weird. Actually, I am your daughter, Zona.” Then, I thought it was strange and informal. “Hi, I am sorry to bother you…” I heard a car screeching and people laughing loudly so I stopped practicing. I went towards the window of the bathroom and saw Sheila waving her hand at a black limousine. 76
Next, she walked in an unsteady way to home, and I walked back to the mirror to continue to practice. “Hi, I am sorry to bother you. I’m Bruce’s daughter or I should say your daughter. I have found you for a long time. I come here because I want to… I would like to know why you left. I think you must have your reason. That’s the question I would like to ask for years. I really want to know your answer. As you tell me the answer, I can leave here immediately.” 77
I heard the sound of footsteps and I guested that Sheila was walking upstairs. After few seconds, I saw Sheila through the mirror. Sheila bent low her head and wanted to throw up. However, there was nothing out from her mouth. After trying to vomit, she stared at me. “What were you murmuring, Zojerk?� I suddenly realized that my hand still held the photo and quickly put it into my pocket. 78
“What’s the thing holding in your hand?” Sheila scratched my arm that it was badly hurt, and then she took away the picture. Although I tried to take it back, my arms were twisted by her. When she ceased hurting my arm, I fell down on the floor. After that, Shelia walked into the bathroom and I knew what she was going to do next. “Give it back to me.” “Who is she?” 79
“I beg you. Give it back to me, please.” “That’s not the answer I want.” I went into the bathroom and want to get back the photo. Nonetheless, she put the picture into the toilet and flushed it. I felt like a balloon being pierced by a pin and became flat in a sudden. I kneeled down on the floor since I did not have enough strength to stand up. “Why?” I whispered. “Because I want to throw up 80
whenever I see you, Zojerk.” Sheila vomited without anything out from her mouth and went out the bathroom. I still kneeled down in the bathroom and was desperate for the incident that just happened. “Why are those things happened to me? Why Sheila can get what she wants? Why am I the one who always suffer?” I kept asking myself depressingly, and then I thought of the problems that I will have to face. “The photo is the most important clue and proof. 81
How am I going to ask others about my mother without it? How should I prove that I am her daughter without it? I can’t find her without it.” I was in a deep hole and could not find the way out. About ten minutes ago, I started to perceive the circumstance: I was still in the bathroom and pitied myself. Then I told myself, “Sheila has left. The picture has left, and you should leave here.” I leaned one arm against the wall to help me stand up. Since my knees were on the 82
floor for much time, they were sharply hurt. Thus, I walked slowly as a toddler to my room. Now I sit on a chair and write down what Sheila has done to me. I will tell Claire the terrible event and I may not continue to find my mother.
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Chapter 10 Opposition Claire looked at the clock in her white Mini car: it was a quarter past two. Nonetheless, the sky was a little bit dark because clouds had covered the sun. Zona sitting next to Claire gazed out of the window with a frown as she had something in her mind. On the other hand, Claire drove the car with a smile on her face that she seemed to be in a good mood. On their way, they had passed different kinds of houses, whereas most of them 84
had two floors. After few miles, Claire noticed that they were closed to their destination.
“We are at S Clark street. Notice the houses next to us, Zona.” “That house. It’s the only one that are some flowers and bushes around it. But I’m not sure.” 85
Claire took a look at the direction that Zona watched. “Okay, I’m gonna park the car.” Claire parked her car in front of the house. When she unfastened the seat belt, she saw Zona lower her head which seemed that Zona did not want to unfasten the seat belt. “What happened?” “I don’t know. I feel that I can’t find her.” “Why?” 86
“Last night, my sister flushed the only photo of my mother into the toilet.” “But we still know her name, isn’t it? And we are here now. We should go.” “Don’t you think maybe it’s better that I don’t find my mother. After so many years, how can she possibly see me? Especially I don’t have anything to prove that I’m her daughter.” “Look at me, Zona.” Zona lifted up her head and looked at Claire. 87
“Haven’t you been to many stores to ask about your mother?” Zona nodded her head. “Haven’t you heard that the owner of the bar probably know your mother and then you went to that bar to find her?” Zona nodded her head. “Haven’t you listened to her words to come here?” Zona bent her head. “Those are the efforts that you have made because you want to find your 88
mother.” “If we don’t go off, all your efforts are in vain.” Zona unfastened the seat belt and opened the door of the car. Claire gazed at Zona and opened the door later. After that, Zona walked to the house. Claire followed her at first; nonetheless she caught up Zona’s walking speed then and walked beside her. As Zona reached the house, she lifted up her right hand in the air for seconds. 89
Claire nodded and gave her a determined look. Next, Zona knocked the door, whereas there was no one answered the door. After a while, she knocked the door again but there was still no answer. She turned back and wanted to give up; meanwhile, Claire wanted to grasp Zona’s arm to stop her. “Zona.” When Claire said the name, an old man with white beard and small glasses opened the door. 90
“Are you looking for someone?” Zona turned back and saw the man. “Does Rachel Morris live here, sir?” “Rachel Morris. Oh, there was a roomer called Rachel, but she has moved out.” “Do you know where she lives? We are her distant relative.” Claire asked. “Please wait a second. My daughter-in-law got along well with her before, and she still has her address.” The old man went into the house. 91
After few minutes, he went back with a note in his hand. “She must be glad to see you. Well, her child left her. It will be better if her relatives can take care of her. I give her address to you.” The old man gave the note of the address to Zona. “Thank you.” Afterward, Claire and Zona went off to the new destination. In the meanwhile, Zona looked at the note, and Claire drove 92
the car. They had passed several traffic lights, and there were antique apartments beside roads instead of houses.
“We will arrive soon. There it is. That apartment.� Zona pointed at the apartment where a madam stood at the balcony on the third 93
floor. Then, Zona and Claire got off the car. Zona lifted up her head to see the apartment, while the madam was bending down her head to see Zona. Nevertheless, she did not think about the madam staring at her and went straight to the building. The stairs of it was very narrow that only one person was able to pass it. Therefore, Zona went first, and Claire followed her. Walking up to the third floor, Zona saw the madam with light brown hair in a long green dress standing at the door, and then 94
she held Zona in her arms tight. “You finally come back! Finally, you come back!” The madam cried. Zona and Claire were surprised about the weird behavior of the madam so that they did not know what to do. Meanwhile, Claire noticed the maid of the madam had a strange look on Zona. Then, the landlady with black curly hair in a blue dress went upstairs. “Excuse me. Are you looking for someone?” The landlady asked. 95
“Yes. We are looking for Rachel Mo…” Claire answered. “My daughter comes back!” While Claire was answering the question, the madam interrupted her. “That’s really great!” The landlady smiled at the madam, “Prepare some refreshments.” Then she talked to the maid. Zona and Claire looked at each other with a smile, and the maid leaved. “Come on in. I’m gonna prepare a 96
cake.” The madam leaved after she spoke. When they stepped inside the room, the landlady asked Claire and Zona a question. “Who are you looking for?” “This madam. Rachel Morris.” Zona answered. “But she isn’t called Rachel Morris. She is called Rachel Moll” “Urg?” “Well, she said…” Claire hadn’t finished her words, but the landlady 97
interrupted her. “Look at that photo.” The landlady pointed at the photograph on the white wall next to them. There were a madam and a young girl sitting on a sofa in the picture. “The young girl in that picture is her daughter. She went to Malaysia with her husband for honey moon ten years ago, and they were killed by kidnappers. But Ms. Moll cannot accept it. Every day, she gazes outside at the balcony and hopes 98
that her daughter will come back one day. Please leave now. I will explain to Ms. Moll.” “Thank you. Let’s go.” Claire caught Zona’s arm and went out. However, Zona turned back her head to see the landlady that seemed like she was hard to believe what the landlady said. Even though Zona did not want to leave, they still departed from the apartment, then they went to Claire’s car. Before going into the car, Zona raised her head 99
and saw that the madam watched her at the balcony. “I’m sorry.” Zona said in a very low voice. After few hours, the sky was completely dark. In Lighthouse, Zona sitting at the counter of the bar drank a cocktail. Claire sitting next to her did not drink and looked worried at her. “Don’t drink too much, Zona. You probably will want to throw up.” A blonde young girl in a long white 100
coat with feathers and a red dinner dress came to Zona and sat beside her. “A Bloody Mary.” “Seems like you are in a good mood, Jane.” Mina said. “Of course, my dad will give me a Lamborghini as a birthday present.” “Ta ta ta…It’s hard to meet your needs.” “Whatever, my dad is glad to meet my needs.” Jane noticed Zona sitting next to her. 101
“Hi, I’m Jane. Why are you drinking alone?” Zona did not answer; nevertheless, Claire talked to Jane. “I’m Claire. She’s Zona.” “Are your friend in a bad mood?” “No. She is just not really talkative.” “Ok. Maybe you just want to have a drink and relax. Probably it’s the problem of your cloths. Your clothes make you look very depressed. You wear a black coat and a grey hat. Well, I prefer bright 102
colors, like red or orange. Oh, do I talk too much?” “It doesn’t matter.” Claire said. Mina gave Jane her cocktail. “Your Bloody Mary.” “Thanks. Oh, my classmates all think I’m too talkative.” Jane did not hold the goblet of the cocktail steady and it spilled over Zona’s left glove. Then, Jane took tissues from her small pink purse and wanted to wipe her glove. 103
“Oh! I’m sorry! Let me take off your glove to wipe.” While Jane was trying to take off Zona’s glove, Claire felt something wrong could happen. “Never mind. It doesn’t really matter.” “Why do you keep answering questions for your friends? I’m talking to Zona!” Jane is pulling Zona’s glove to take it off. “No! No!” Zona cried out. 104
“Why do you suddenly become so angry?” Zona turned back her head and saw the mysterious man staring at her. A strange feeling came to her mind and she had goose bumps on her arms. Therefore she left the bar right away. When Jane saw Zona leaving, she thought it was her fault. Jane grabbed Claire’s arm and cried loudly. “Oh God! Can you do me a favor? Help me ask her how much that pair of 105
gloves is. Oh my God! I can even give her a better pair of leather gloves.” “Calm down. Please let me go. I will ask her.” “Okay.” As Jane let Claire go, Claire soon left the bar. At the outside of the bar, Claire looked around but could not find Zona. “Zona! Zona!” Claire cried out nervously.
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Chapter 11 Zona’s Diary IV December 9th
Monday
It is pretty hard for me to tell what has happened from last night till this morning. Each significant event happen in a short period of time and they are all linked together. Maybe the beginning of the incidents is that last night, the wealthy girl, Jane, spilled her drink over my gloves which caused I accidentally saw the mysterious man staring at me. I had a bad feeling after I saw him that my heart beat 107
rapidly and my arms got goose bumps. Thus, I left Lighthouse as soon as I can. It was extremely dark outside with only few streetlamps in weak yellow light. I walked quickly in the night as I tried to flee from something. I could only heard the sound of my breath and my footsteps. However, after few minutes, I heard the sound of heavy footsteps which likely belonged to a man. I told myself to calm down, “He might be a passenger. He just walked behind me. Don’t worry. He may 108
not be the guy in the bar.” Therefore, I tested whether the man was following me. I stopped, and then the man stopped. I went quickly, and then the man went quickly, too. I knew that he must follow me. Then, I stopped again and put off my gloves. I turned back that I saw the mysterious man in the bar, and I showed my hand to him. “Go away! Go away!” “Wait! Calm down. I am not a bad guy. Tomorrow, ten o’clock, go to Rush 109
University Medical Center to meet me. You will know everything.” The mysterious man walked off fast and disappeared in the night. I stood there in astonishment and wondered why the man told me to meet him at the hospital. After that, I heard someone was calling me and suddenly remembered I left Claire in the bar. “Zona! Zona!” Claire ran toward me out of puff. “Who is that man?” 110
“I don’t know.” I frowned but I thought Claire was not able to see it due to the dark night. We looked at the direction that the mysterious man left in doubt for a long while. Afterward, I told Claire that the man asked me to meet him at Rush University Medical Center tomorrow. Claire said she would accompany me since I did not know who the man was. This morning, around ten o’clock, Claire and I arrived Rush University 111
Medical Center, a high white building, with a central portion and four wings like a flower with four petals. However, from one side, I could only see three wings, one at the front and two at each side, which is more like an airplane.
As we went into the hospital, we saw the man waving at us. We walked toward 112
him, and he nodded his head to us. “I am glad to see you. Well, may I ask who you are, madam?” “I am Zona’s friend. We would like to know who you are, too.” “It’s really hard to explain. Zona, is this your name?” I was quite confused why he asked it, whereas I still nodded my head. “When I first saw you in the bar, I felt that it’s you, Zona. But until I saw you taking off your gloves, I could be sure that 113
it’s you.” “I don’t understand what you said.” “I’m your mother’s younger brother.” I was so surprised that I blanked out for a while. When I was conscious again, I was walking at the passage with Claire and my uncle. After few steps, we turned left and walked into a sickroom. A woman in long black hair with a pale face wore a light green gown and peacefully slept on a sickbed. Beside the sickbed was a smaller dark brown bed with two white pillows 114
and a light brown sheet. Behind the small bed was three French window with white blinds covering the scenery in Chicago. My uncle walked toward the woman, and Claire and I followed him. “She is your mother.” He looked at the woman. “Rachel Morris?” “No. She is not Rachel Morris.” “Then she is?” Claire asked and I thought she must be as confused as me. “She is called Eva. Eva Stone.” 115
“Then who is Rachel Morris?” I asked since I believed my mother was Rachel Morris that I had searched for a month. “Twenty years ago, your father met your mother, and then she gave birth to you. But after three years, he married his cousin, Rachel Morris. Then she gave birth to your sister.” “How come?” “Why didn’t he marry Eva Stone? She gave birth to their baby.” Claire helped me to ask a more precise question. 116
“My father died at an early age, and my sister, Eva had to be a bar girl to make ends meet. His mother did not accept that he got married to a bar girl. Afterwards, she planned the wedding for him and his cousin, Rachel Morris. Rachel Morris’ father was in charge of the biggest company of car accessories, and he could help his son-in-law’s career.” “But where is Rachel Morris now?” I asked. “She passed away.” 117
Claire and I gaped at my uncle. “Actually, when you were five, Rachel Morris wanted you. Well your mother… just read the newspaper.” My uncle handed me a bunch of newspaper. “I have kept the newspaper for a long time and waited for you to read it one day. After Rachel Morris died, her father ceased the cooperation with your father.” I was startled by the headline of the newspaper, “Chicago Murder- Wife Killed by Homewrecker.” I asked myself, “My 118
mother, Eva Stone kill Rachel Morris?” Then, I read the sub-headline of the newspaper that proved my assumption is right, “The husband said he will be the guardian of the five years old girl left by homewrecker.” Suddenly, I remembered the horrible scenes when I was five: my mother took an iron to hit the woman’s head (that should be Rachel Morris), and the blood and the brain spurted on a mattress. The smell of blood was strong like a wet metal and everything became 119
red. Red spurted on everything that I could only see scarlet things in front of my eyes.
When I was still sorrow at the tragic event, my uncle whispered to me. “His mother, or I should call your grandmother, probably hates your mother very much. Maybe it implicates you. I am 120
sorry for that.” Everything is clear now. Why does my grandmother look down on me? Why does my father is cold toward me? My mother killed my sister’s mother! The homewrecker killed the wife! I couldn’t help shaking so I moved back to try to hold something in order to stand still. Nonetheless, while moving back, I hit the bed, and it made a loud clank sound. Next, I heard the screaming from a woman. Until then, I found out my 121
mother’s hand and feet were bound by long black bands. She struggled to get rid of the bands to leave the bed. My uncle soon pressed on her hands and then Claire helped him press on the feet. “Call the nurse!” My uncle cried out. I was shocked at the thrilling behavior of my mother and was too scared to think what I should do. “Zona! Call the nurse!” Until Claire cried out my name, I realized I should ask for help right away. 122
“Nurse! Nurse!” I finally went to the corridor and shouted out. Two nurses soon came to the sickroom. One took a syringe to inject the drug into my mother’s hand; another nurse bound my mother to the bed with a rope. After few minutes, she cooled down and closed her eyes that seemed like there was nothing happened before. After that, Claire asked me to go out the hospital since she thought I need some fresh air to calm down. “I have never thought the result will 123
be like this. Everything makes sense now. I finally understand why my grandmother hates me. My mother was mad and killed my sister’s mother. I can still remember that scene. Every time I think of it, I want to throw up.� The hot liquid came up from my stomach and filled up my mouth. Thus, I covered my mouth with my right hand to prevent from throwing up. To my surprise, Claire opened her bag and told me to throw up in it. I did not want to do so, 124
whereas the vomit was full up my mouth. Thus, I took her bag and vomited in it. Claire patted my back while I was throwing up the yellow smelly things. I was quite ashamed then what I had thought of Claire. I had thought she was just pretend to care of me. I felt sorry for her. Also, I felt sorry for my grandmother, my father and my sister, but that was because of the truth of the past that I found out. I disgusted at myself a bit due to the dreadful crime that my mad mother 125
committed. I used to think my mother left me because of my hand or was forced to leave because my grandmother treated her badly. Nonetheless, neither of it was right. My mother made a terrible decision to hurt people. My families have a sensible reason to hate me. I do feel sorry for them.
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Chapter 12 Help For several days, Zona recalled the course of finding her mother at her own room and tried hard to accept the truth that she was a murderer. On the other hand, most of the things still remained the same: Bruce was still aloof with her; Martha still looked down her nose at her and Sheila still insulted her. However, she was not as sad as before when they were unfriendly to her. She also noticed Sheila had some odd 127
behaviors these days. For instance, while eating dinner, Sheila was unable to finish her meal and went to the toilet to throw up. Sometimes, in the midnight, she saw Sheila drinking lemon juice which she had never drunk before. Zona wondered whether her sister was sick. One time after the dinner, she nerved herself to show her friendliness to her sister maybe because she felt sorry for her due to the dreadful crime. “Are you alright? I saw that you threw 128
up in the toilet many times.” Zona stammered after Sheila left the toilet. “None of your business, Zojerk.” Sheila said coldly. Zona was irritated and depressed at her respond; nevertheless, she did not say anything but went to her room. She knew that Sheila could be hard to get along with her because of her abnormal hand and she may only wait for Sheila to realize she might need her company one day. Three weeks have passed, the weather 129
became colder so that Zona’s family had to turn on the heating in every room. Zona walked through the dining-room to the kitchen. She intended to turn off the heating next to the dining table and then go upstairs. Nevertheless, she saw Sheila squatting and crying in the kitchen. Zona hesitated a moment whether she should turn off the heating since Sheila was there. Then, she decided not to switch off the machine and went upstairs. Nonetheless, as she took a few steps towards the stairs, 130
Sheila called her. “Stay, Zona. Stay with me.” Zona stopped walking and doubted whether she really heard Sheila speaking. Yet, she turned back and went into the kitchen. She squatted next to Sheila. “I am pregnant.” Zona was not surprise at her words, though she had assumed she was sick. The vomit and the change of taste were the signs of pregnancy. “Do you tell it to the father of the 131
baby?” Sheila shook her head with a sigh that made Zona gasp. She thought Sheila did not know who the father of the baby was. Sheila noticed that Zona did not speak for seconds and perceived that she might misunderstand her. “I broke up with my boyfriend so I don’t want to tell him.” Zona felt a little relieved, but she soon thought of a big problem. “What are you going to do for the 132
baby?” “I am going to have an abortion. Can you accompany with me to the clinic?” “Umm. Yes. Are you sure…Never mind.” “Yes, I need to have the abortion. That’s the only way I can choose.” The following day, Zona and Sheila went to the backstreet. The clinic was at the second floor of an old red brick building with windows covering black stickers. They went up to narrow stairs 133
with weak yellow light on the wall. While arriving there, they saw the reception in a dim light. Sheila was asked to fill up a document by a nurse, and then she went into an operating room. Zona sat on a chair outside of the room.
“It’s the middle of January, the coldest time in January. I am helping 134
others to kill a life, while that’s maybe better. The baby died before he knew anything in this world.” Zona thought aloud and looked up the ceiling at a loss. The process of abortion was longer than Zona expected. She predicted it would only require half an hour, but she waited for more than an hour. She walked back and forth worrying if something bad happened. Finally, the doctor opened the door and called Zona. “Are you the relative of Ms. 135
Lopez?” “Yes, I’m her sister.” “She fainted during the surgery so it takes longer. She is at that room now.” The doctor pointed the room that was next to the operating room. Zona opened the white peeling paint door of the room. The room was very simple and crude that only had a sickbed with an orange check sheet and a chair beside it. Sheila was on the bed in front of her. While sitting on the chair, Zona found 136
out another white door next to the bed. Zona assumed it was connected with the operation room so that Sheila could be sent here. Next, Zona felt a gentle touch and bent down her head to look at Sheila. “They said the baby is pretty small, like this.” Sheila curved her thumb and the index finger to be a small circle. “It died without pain.’ “Yeah.” Sheila’s tears dropped from her cheeks.
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Chapter 13 Zona’s Diary V January 15th
Wednesday
Sheila and I went to the park this afternoon. I had told her it was better for her to stay at home since she just had the operation yesterday. She still insisted to have a walk though. Actually, I did not really want to go out since it was very cold outside. Nevertheless, I guessed Sheila was in a bad mood and I should be with her. Therefore, I put on beanies, gloves and knee length coats, and then 138
went off with her.
The sky was grey with heavy clouds. The trees in the park did not have any leaves but some snow on branches. Also, the roads was covered much snow. There was no flowers or grasses beside the paths. The scenery was like a black and white picture. While Sheila and I were walking 139
in the park, she saw an old madam walking her golden retriever. “I think we should have a dog, too.” “We can’t even have a child.” Sheila frowned but still tried hard to have a smile on her face which looked very embarrassed. I also felt extremely embarrassed because I knew I should not say so. I was not intended to hurt her feeling. Maybe the weather was so cold that made me annoyed and hard to have a fine respond. 140
“You just had the operation. How are you feeling today?” I wanted to change the topic. “It’s okay. I don’t want to stay at home.” We walked to the long park bench in front of us. A lot of snow covered on the bench; thus, we wiped the bench with our gloves. After cleaning up, we sat down on it and had a chat. “Do you want to tell me what’s happened?” I was remembering the night 141
that she cried in the kitchen. “No, I don’t want to.” Sheila took a pack of cigarette and a lighter from her pocket of the coat. “Never mind. You can tell me whenever you would like to.” She was lighting up a cigarette and it reminded me she had told me she would quit smoking.
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“Don’t you say you want to quit smoking?” “Just one. I do smoke less than usual. I smoked five packs of cigarettes a day before, but now I just smoke three packs.” “How about the rave party?” “I won’t go anymore.” We watched the passengers walking in front of us and discussing what we planned to do on weekend like normal sisters chatting about their life. The abortion must be a painful experience for 143
my sister, whereas it changes my sister somehow. I feel that she really wants to be a better person, and that also makes our relationship better. I hope she can be a good person as she wants to, and so do I.
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Chapter 14 Hurt On a relaxing Sunday morning, Zona read a cookbook, and Sheila standing next to her cracked eggs into a transparent bowl at the kitchen counter.
“Five eggs. Five hundred grams of flour.” “I didn’t know making cookies is such a nuisance.” Sheila complained and 145
rolled her eyes. Meanwhile, the doorbell rang, ding-dong, ding-dong. Zona and Sheila looked at each other with a frown. “Do you invite someone to eat cookies?” Zona asked. “No. Of course not.” Sheila went out to answer the door so Zona helped Sheila whipped the eggs. After a while, Zona heard Sheila having a verbal fight with a man. “You such a bitch! Do you sleep with 146
Stefan?” “Why do you care about it? And you say I am a bitch? You and Fenny do the same dirty thing.” “So you did it to Fenny, right?” “Yeah, so what?” “You such a bitch!” Zona hesitated whether she should go out to see what had happened, until she heard Sheila screaming. She ran out of the kitchen to the front door as fast as she could. While arriving the door, Zona saw 147
Sheila’s ex-boyfriend scratching her hair and punching her abdomen at the wall. Shiela’s dark green trousers turned red since they were stained much blood. Then, Zona jumped up to catch the neck of the man and pulled him backward. She wished to stop the violent act of the man. “Stop! Cease! Cease!” Zona cried out loudly. “Shit! Who is it?” Sheila’s ex-boyfriend caught Zona’s hands and tried to get rid of her. 148
“That’s my sister.” Sheila held her belly and leaned on a wall. Her trousers started to drop blood.
“Great sisterhood, eh. Whatever both are bitch.” The man shook his body aggressively so that Zona was thrown on the floor. Reaching the floor, her right arms slipped 149
over ceramic tiles and that caused bruises and scratches. She tremblingly lying on the ground gazed at the man walking toward her. He was not tall but very strong that could see his muscles in a brown jacket clearly. His hair was cropped and his white face with a big hooked nose had a lot of stables. He glared at Zona with a pair of blazing black eyes. As Zona got up from the ground, he kicked her belly and legs several times. Thus, Zona was not able to stand up. He scratched her hair and 150
knocked her head violently against the floor. Suddenly, Zona felt the man stop knocking her head, and she looked up. She found out Sheila was slapping the man’s face. However, after few seconds, the man took hold of her hands and kicked her belly again and again. Next, Zona struggled to stand up and caught the man’s trousers. Therefore, he released Shiela, and then she fell down immediately. He turned back with a frightening look at 151
Zona and kicked her face. After that, her breast, belly or any part of her body seemed to be hit many times that she could not count and she fell unconsciously. Zona did not know how long she had been hit. When she was conscious again, she saw Sheila lying on the floor. Then, she looked around and was sure that the man left. She tried hard to move to the living the room in order to call for help. Nonetheless, her lower part of the body 152
was in great pain so that she could only slowly crawl to the place. Unfortunately, her right arms was also hurt and she mostly used her left arm to creep along the ground. It seemed to be a century for her to reach the telephone in the living room since she had to endure the suffering of her body. Finally, Zona was near the phone and put on all her strength to stretch out her hand to get it. As holding the phone, she felt she was like a drowning person 153
holding a swimming buoy, and then she dialed nine, nine, one. “Help…Help…” That’s the last words she said before she became unconscious again.
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Chapter 15 Falling When Zona opened her eyes, she saw the white ceiling, white sheet and white wall. For a moment, she thought she was in heaven. However, she turned her head to the left and saw a black nurse with a pair of big eyes and thick lips gazing at her. Then, she suddenly realized she was still on the earth. “How’s my sister?” At that time, the first thing that crossed Zona’s mind was her sister’s safety, whereas the nurse with 155
a frown compressed her lips into a thin line and seemed very hard to answer her question. “Tell me how my sister is now?” “Did she have the abortion recently?” “Yes.” “She got massive blood loss, but she is in stable condition now.” “Oh! Thanks God.” She closed her eyes and put her hand on the chest. Nonetheless, as she opened her eyes again, she saw the nurse still 156
gazing her seriously. She wondered if the nurse had not finished what she wanted to say. “Anything wrong?” “During the blood transfusion, we tested her blood and found out she had AIDS. We also saw the sperm from the offender at your panties.” All of a sudden, she remembered she was pushed to the ground and pulled down her pants violently by Sheila’s ex-boyfriend. On the other hand, the nurse 157
talked again after a brief pause. “If the offender has sexual relationship with your sister, you might have AIDS, too. The police have made a report for your sister so that we know that the offender is your sister’s ex-boyfriend.” Zona lowered her head and breathed quickly that she assumed her heart may stop. Then, she placed her hand flat across her mouth to remind herself not to scream, but soon she realized she was chocked with sobs that she was not even able to 158
speak. After a long while, her breath was smoother and calmed down a little bit. She raised her head to look at the nurse. “Where is my sister?” “Behind the third curtain. The police officer is there, too.”
Zona walked extremely slowly since the lower part of her body was still very
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painful. While reaching the place, Zona saw Sheila sitting on the sickbed and the police officer sitting on the chair in front of Sheila. At the same time, the police officer turned back his head and saw Zona. “Are you Miss. Zona Lopez?” “Yes.” “Please have a seat.” The police pointed to a chair next to Shiela, and then Zona sat on it. “How’s the fight between your sister 160
and her ex-boyfriend happened?” “I was in the kitchen then, and I heard my sister fighting with him. After that, I ran out of the kitchen and tried to stop him hitting my sister so he punched me.” “Does the harm include the rape?” “Yes.” “Did his penis insert into your body?” Zona slightly opened her mouth, but she could not said a word. “What the hell are you asking? Raping is just…” 161
“Sorry, Miss. This is the procedure. Did his penis insert into your body, Miss Lopez?” “Yes.” “Did he use other things to insert into your body?” Zona closed her eyes and recalled what the man had done to her, though she did not want to think of it. Nevertheless, Sheila was very angry about the question. “Do you have a brain?” “All I have done is followed the 162
formal procedure. Please show your respect, Miss. Did he use other things to insert into your body?” “Yes.” “What did he use?” “His hand.” Zona closed her eyes tight, whereas her tears still dropped on her cheeks. “Are there any witnesses?” “Only my sister.” “I see. The report is completed.” While talking to Zona, the police 163
officer stood up and then left. Sheila gazed at Zona with regret and wanted to touch her right hand. However, Zona turned left to show that she did not want Sheila to touch her. Therefore, Sheila put back her hand on her legs. “I think I should tell you what’s happened between me and my boyfriend. For many people, the way that they hide white powder is to put it into their privates. As I found out he slept with Fenny, I asked Stefan to put the powder in her 164
private.” Zona turned back and looked at Sheila with a pair of vacant eyes. “Did you have sex relationship with your ex-boyfriend?” “Why do you ask it? Don’t you want to know what’s happened?” “I might get AIDS because of you so I want to know.” “Yes. I had sex relationship with him.” “It’s…I need to be alone.” 165
“I’m sorry.” “I will go out for a while.” “Zona!” Zona went out the hospital, while Sheila was calling her name at her back. Nevertheless, she ignored Sheila’s call and kept walking. At the entrance of the hospital, she raised up her head to the dark sky without a moon or any stars. The passengers in front of her all wearing heavy coats stepped over the snow on the ground. Next, she looked at herself and 166
found out she just wore a sweater. However, she did not feel cold and walked through the crowd. Then, she saw a skyscraper with shining golden light on her left hand side and she went toward it. The top of the skyscraper was a large pitch square with four border about half a meter high. When Zona arrived the top of it, the strong wind blew up her hair. She moved forward to the border slowly. While reaching it, she bent down her head watching the small cars and passengers as 167
ants on the road. “God, why do you hate me so much? Why do you give me this hand? Why do you let me think everything can be better and then destroy it? Why do people say you are kind but I cannot feel it?� Zona said angrily and sadly with tears in her eyes. Meanwhile, at the sky, the clouds gathered and some lightening appeared in the distant. Following the lightening, the thunder rumbled and rumbled again. With the thunder, the 168
medieval Notre Dame, the devilish monster sculpture, some opening their big mouths, some having weird smiles, showed up in front of Zona
. “Quasimodo, Quasimodo. He was excluded, scolded, looked down on. Yea, that was all he had experienced. The 169
people around him just mocked at him, made fun of him. The hate from the people followed him till he died.� Zona closed her eyes and moved forward to stand on the border. As long as she had one more step, she would fall down from the tall building. “Everything ends as I die.�
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Chapter 16 Pit “Zona! No!” Zona turned back and saw Sheila standing in front of her. Then, Sheila raised her hands in the air and moved forward slowly. “Don’t move! Isn’t it you want? You want me jump down from a skyscraper so that I will die sooner, isn’t it?” “Zona! Please! Don’t!” “Don’t you like to call me Zojerk?” “I’m sorry.” 171
“If you didn’t hurt people, your ex-boyfriend wouldn’t revenge. Also, I would not be involved.” “Zona.” “But everything can be ended now.” Zona’s left foot moved backward. “No!” Sheila rushed to Zona and pulled her hands forward. Next, they both fell down on the ground. At the same moment, the snow mixed with rain fell down on Zona and Sheila. 172
“Let me die! Let me die! Why didn’t you let me die?” “Zona, let’s go home. Shall we go home?” Sheila held Zona in her arms tight and padded her back. After that, Zona cried loudly, and Sheila also cried. More and more snow with rain fell down, and they 173
had more and more snow with rain on their clothes. They cried for a long time, and then they finally left the skyscraper. Sheila hailed a taxi at the road, and they sat at the backseat. During their way to the home, Sheila gazed at Zona with worry, whereas Zona watched the sceneries outside the window. When they arrived the house, Sheila opened the door. Zona with a deadpan face followed Sheila into the house and went upstairs to her bedroom. 174
“Zona.� Sheila called her while Zona was going to the room. However, Zona did not stop or turned back her head. She just walked into her room silently. The next day, Zona did not go out the room to have breakfast and lunch. In the evening, Bruce, Martha and Sheila dined at the dining room. After finishing the meal, they found out Zona had not eaten the dinner so that Sheila went upstairs to send the meal. She took a white plate on 175
which a steak, noodles and cauliflowers were. While reaching Zona’s bedroom, she knocked at the door; however Zona did not answer the door. Thus, Sheila called her at the outside. “Zona, time for dinner.� Sheila waited for a while; nevertheless, there was still no respond. She put the dinner at the door and went downstairs to the dining room. Bruce and Martha both sat beside the dining table and gazed at Sheila walking down. When 176
Sheila stood next to them, Bruce talked to Sheila. “Did you give the dinner to Zona?” “Yea.” “Do you know why she don’t want to eat?” “No.” Sheila turned back and closed her eyes for a short while with a long deep breath. After that, she went upstairs with clenched fists to prevent herself shaking her hands. Then, Martha caught Bruce’s 177
hand and Bruce looked at her in astonishment. “I haven’t eaten dinner, too.” “You have eaten, Mom.” “Don’t lie to me. I haven’t eaten. Did you give my meal to Zona?” “Oh, Mom. What happened to you?” Bruce was confused what Martha had said since they just had the meal about half an hour ago. Then, Bruce assumed his mother could be so tired that said something odd. Therefore, he asked 178
Martha to go to bed earlier afterward. Two days had passed, Sheila went upstairs with the dinner in the evening. Arriving Zona’s room, she knocked the door with a worried face. “You should fetch the dinner, Zona!” She waited for seconds, but Zona still did not answer the door. Next, she looked down and found out the dinner that she sent previously was still there. She put the fresh meal on the ground and took away the previous one. After that, she went 179
downstairs with a sigh. Bruce and Martha sat beside the dining table as before. “Did she eat the dinner yesterday?” Sheila shook her head with a frustrated figure, and Bruce was also disappointed at the result. Suddenly, Martha caught Bruce’s hand and shouted. “I haven’t eaten dinner.” “You have already eaten, Mom.” “Don’t lie to me!” “Oh, Mom.” Bruce did not know what to do for his 180
mother’s strange talk. He did not think she was having a joke to him because she was quite angry about the dinner problem. Also, she did not like joking before. Consequently, without better solutions, Bruce still asked his mother to go to bed earlier and put the matter on the back burner.
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Chapter 17 Zona’s Diary VI February 4th
Tuesday
For the past two weeks, I had not eaten anything. After the terrible incident on that day, I just wanted to be alone, in my own dark world. I pitied myself, hated myself, sicken myself all the time. Lying on the bed, I put the pillows upon my eyes and thought if I slept forever, I would not remember anything. I was sleeping while I was still awaking; I was awaking while I was sleeping. I was 182
unable to know whether I opened my eyes because I only saw the darkness. The more I wished, the less I could get; the more I wanted to forget, the more I could remember. Nothing could stop my inner black thoughts twisting me around, tearing me apart. Even though Claire came during the fortnight that I had not eaten, she could not help. She was unable to relieve my pain. That day, I heard the sound of the key opening the door so that I knew somebody 183
was going to come in. After several seconds, the footsteps of two people came into my ears. I assumed that should be Sheila and Claire. Nonetheless, I did not get up since everything was not important then. Next, a person closed the door and the other kept walking slowly toward me. Then, a black shadow showed up in front of me. “Oh, Zona! Why do you want to be like this? You are so thin and pale.� Since I had stayed in the darkness for 184
much time, my eyes almost lost their function. Nevertheless, when I heard the voice, I immediately recognized that was Claire. “Your father told me that you hadn’t eaten for many days. Do you want to starve yourself to death?” I did not answer her questions since those did not matter anymore. “At least drink some water, Zona.” She took a bottle of water from her bag and opened it. I drank some, whereas 185
then I thought drinking water was just making my pain longer. I would die slower as I drank more water. Thus, I stopped drinking it. “Zona, tell me what’s happened?” “I’m dirty.” I did not intend to speak anything; however these three words just came out from my mouth. Probably, it was because of the water that made my dried lips wet and my painful throat comfortable. “Why did you say so?” 186
“I might get AIDS.” “Why?” The answer of the question was too embarrassed and painful to speak out. Therefore, I stretched out my hand to Claire. Then I curled and uncurled my fingers few times to ask her to come closer. Next, Claire moved toward me and I leaned over and whisper a word in her ears. “Rape.” Claire was surprised at this word and 187
gaped at me. “Who did it to you?” “Claire’s ex-boyfriend.” “Oh, God!” “God doesn’t exist.” “Did you call the police? Did you make a report?” I nodded my head, whereas I thought making a report was just making me worse. The police officer asked those embarrassing and senseless questions to insult me, though he claimed that was the 188
“formal procedure.” “The police will catch the man and send him to the jail. We have to trust the police will catch him. I know you are in a bad mood now. I bring the new notebook for you, and you can write down all your thoughts, alright?” “Nothing can be alright. Will everything be rewritten after I write something in the notebook?” “No, but…” “Go.” 189
“Zona…” “Go! Go away!” I said with rage, like I used all my strengths to shout at her. “I put the notebook on your table.” Claire said softly and depressingly to me and put the notebook on my desk. While on the way out my room, she stopped at the window curtain and draw the curtain open. Thus, the light slightly went through from the French window, but it was too weak to light up the room. “Goodbye, Zona.” 190
As she was leaving, I seemed to hear that she said it to me. Her voice was so weak that I could not sure if I heard it or it was just my imagination. After she went off my room, I cried. I did not cry for Claire or other people, but for myself, my miserable past, my demanding living, my fate and nobody were able to help me. No one was able to understand my feelings. Claire was eager to help me, but she fail to do so. It was like a lifeguard wants to save a person is drowning in the river. 191
The lifeguard wishes to pull the person out of the river whereas he cannot do it due to the strong turbulence. The turbulence makes the helpless person sinks and sinks in the deepest part of the river. I was leaking, leaking out my strengths, my spirit, my hopes. Those worst memories strike me with their claws so that I bled and bled in a red pool. Repeating the same difficult circumstance, I kept shouting while I kept silence. I 192
cried loudly while I had no tears. The inside and outside of the body was always contradictive as the real world and the imaginary world was contrastive all the times. These days, I was unconscious while staying awake. Until yesterday afternoon, something ceased my self-conflict. I felt the light shone on me and opened my eyes. Through the French window, the sunlight illuminated the room. I winked my eyes trying to be used to the light. Then, I bent 193
my head and saw ants crawling on the floor. By leaning my right hand on the head of the bed, I got up slowly and stepped one foot on the ground. However, as my legs both stood on it, I lost my balance. Next, I fell down and made every effort to stand up again. Nevertheless, I was too weak to stand so that I crept to the window. At the outside, I saw some children playing peekaboo. I started to think why the world is like this as nothing bad has happened. 194
“Why there’s still light, while I am dying? Shouldn’t the world be completely dark? Why there are ants living on the earth, while I am dying? Why there are still people playing around while I am dying? If I die, the world will still be the same. No one will care. Everyone still has their own life, working, eating and sleeping as usual. Do I really want this?” No, I do not want to be nothing, never existing in the world. I put all my effort into creeping to the 195
door and then opened it. In front of the door was a plate with a stainless dish-cover. I took off the cover and grabbed the food stuffing into my mouth. The taste of potatoes, mushrooms, beans, tomatoes, breads was so familiar for my tongue. After finishing up everything on the plate, I crept back to my desk taking the notebook and holding it into my arms. “I don’t want this ending. I don’t want to be like Quasimodo. God, I am living. I will live. I will write down how cruel you 196
are. I don’t believe in you. I am my own God.� I thought aloud, making a promise for myself. Afterward, I went downstairs to the kitchen since I still wanted to eat more. I opened the cupboard to see what were left in there. The cupboard was divided into two parts and three shelves. On my right hand side was some seasoning; on my left hand side was some foodstuffs. Two bags of flour, three bags of pasta and one pack 197
of chocolate cereals were at the highest shelve. A lot of canned food was at the lower shelve. A jar of peanut butter and several packs of cookies. I stretched out my hand for the cereals and fetched one pack of cookies. I tore out the packing and devoured them. All of a sudden, I felt someone was looking at me. I turned back my head and saw Sheila just turning round at the dining room. “Sheila.� 198
I called her since I knew I had to explain something for her. Then, she turned back to me. “Actually, I had hated you. I hated that you called me Zojerk. I hated that you mocked at me. I hated that you made me get AIDS with a chance. However, I just found out even though I hated you so much that I even wanted to kill myself, nothing would change. The thing has already happened and I can never be back again. Even if I die, your ex-boyfriend 199
will still live happily at somewhere.” “I am sorry.” I held my sister into my arm and then realized something. “I haven’t washed my hands after eating. I just put my dirty hands on your shirt.” “That’s a great revenge.” Next, we both burst into laughter. Meanwhile, from the French window of the living room, I saw it was dark outside and thought of dinner. 200
“What dishes should we cook this time?” “How about spaghetti?” “Sure.” I took the cookbook from the drawer below the cupboard and read the chapter of making spaghetti. On the other hand, Sheila prepared the tools and the food. I asked Sheila to add more pasta since we should also make it for our grandmother and father. Later on, as Sheila had done the spaghetti, we placed it on four plates. 201
We put them on the dining table and sat beside the table waiting for our families. After an hour, they still had not come back yet. Sheila looked at the food with a hungry expression. “The spaghetti is getting cold now.” “We shall eat first.”
I went to the kitchen with two plates 202
of spaghetti and took a box of plastic wrap from the drawer. Then I wrapped them and put them into the refrigerator behind the drawer. While going back to the table, I saw Sheila had already eaten one third of the meal. Surely Sheila finished it up earlier and went upstairs. During the meal, I felt a little bit weird that my grandmother and father both had not come back at about eight o’clock in the night. “Why they haven’t come back? There 203
must be something happened to them. Well, maybe they just go shopping. Nothing serious can happen. What serious things can happen?” After eating the spaghetti, I walked around in the living room thinking of the possible reason that they had not come back. Then, I turned back and saw the answering machine next to the television. The screen of the machine was shown “one new message.” I pushed the button and the voice of Bruce was came out from 204
it, “I just made a report at the police station. Grandma is missing. But don’t worry. The police and I will find her.� As a result, I have waited for my grandmother and father at the sofa in the living room from last night until now. I was dozing off and awaking for a few times. Still, I am waiting for them with my half-closed eyes.
205
Chapter 18 Changing About ten o’clock in the morning, while Zona was dozing off at the sofa, Bruce walked toward her. Since Zona was in light sleep, she heard the sound of the footsteps from Bruce. She opened her heavy eyelids and looked at him. At the same time, Bruce gazed at her with a serious face. “I found your grandmother. She was lost. I have sent her to the nursing home. The doctor there said that she probably 206
has Parkinson’s disease.” “Did she get hurt or anything bad happened when she was lost?” “No. Fortunately, she’s fine. Do you want to come with me to see her or you want to stay at home? You look sleepy.” “I would like to come with you. I’m completely awake now.” After that, Bruce drove the car with Zona to the nursing home. Although Zona tried hard to keep her eyes opening, she dozed off most of the time. About an hour 207
and half had passed and they arrived the nursing home, the signboard written Norwood Crossing in green letters on white background, the whole big building with orange bricks and several windows with green curtains opened in the front. Bruce woke Zona up and asked her to come with him to the nursing home.
208
They went through the lobby and went upstairs to the second floor. There were numerous rooms on both sides. Bruce led Zona to Martha’s room, the third one on their right hand side. While opening the door, they saw Martha sitting on a dark brown wooden chair with a backrest and watching the view through the window without notice of their arrival. Then, Bruce whispered to Zona what she may do. “She can’t remember me now. You 209
can talk to her and let’s see whether she is able to remember you.” Zona quickly nodded her head and nervously rubbed her hands. Next, Bruce and Zona walked toward Martha. Martha felt some people coming to her and turn left her head to see them. “Why do you come again?” Martha frowned and pointed at Bruce by her forefinger. “You bring a girl? Who are you?” “I was the daughter of your neighbor 210
before.” “The daughter of Belle?” “Yes, I’m Christine Belle.” “Let me chat with Miss. Belle about some old stories. You could leave now.” Bruce looked at Martha and Zona hesitating for a moment. Next, he went off the room and closed the door quietly. Martha gazed at Zona with fixed eyes so that Zona was a little bit embarrassed. After a long while, Martha finally talked and pointed at the wicker chair behind 211
Zona. “You can move that chair and sit next to me.” “Ah, okay.” Zona turned back and moved the chair toward Martha. “Have I told you about the Vietnam war?” “No?” Surely Zona did not know what Martha had told to Christine Belle because Zona is not her. “Uh-uh. I remember I have told you 212
when you was a little girl. My memory is better than yours.” “I would like to listen one more time.” “Then you should pay good attention this time. I was in my twenties during the Vietnam War. At that time, most of the young people were disappointed at the government. They did not know why the government want to involve the war in the other country. They did not know why they should fight. They did not know who 213
they fight for. Thus, they took drugs to make themselves better. Well, I took drugs, too.” “You did?” “Yea, I was one of the depressed and miserable youngsters. When I was nineteen years old, I had a boyfriend at age twenty. After one year, the war began and he was enrolled for the army. I had waited for him for five years. That’s a long time, isn’t it? In the third year of the war, I was quite hopeless of his return and 214
went to parties with my friends, taking drugs and listening silly music. Then two years had passed; I stopped taking drugs and waiting for him. I got married with my husband now, though he has passed away several years ago. He is a kind and wealthy man, but I still feel there is something lost in my life.” “Did you feel you were the unfortunate of the nonsense war?” “Yea, I did. The war may be nonsense somehow, while everything has its own 215
meaning. You would not know it while experiencing one thing. However, you will know some day in the future.” Zona shook her head with a puzzled face. Nevertheless, Martha continued to talk for the details about the hard days that she waited for her boyfriend. After the long talk about twenty minutes, Martha was tired and wanted to stop the conversation. “I was tired. I’d like to take a nap now.” 216
“That’s fine.” Zona was standing up from the chair and leaving while Martha suddenly cried loudly. “Do you know how to play chess?” “Yes.” “Will you play chess with me tomorrow?” “Ah, I will.” “I shall sleep now.” “Yea. Have a nice sleep. Goodbye.” As Zona opened the door, she 217
remembered her father should wait for her for half an hour. She quickly went off the building and saw Bruce crossing his arms and smoking tobacco beside his car. “What did grandma talk to you?” “Just some old stories.” “Well, let’s get into the car.” “Ah. Can you do me a favor?” Bruce gazed at Zona with a curious and confusing look. “Could you help me make an appointment with Claire?” 218
“Why?” “I have something to talk to her and that will be the last appointment for us.” “I see. I will call her later. We should get into the car and have lunch first.” Zona nodded her head with raising the corner of her mouth, and then she realized she smiled.
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Chapter 19 Zona’s Diary VII February 12th
Thursday
Last week, I told Claire that I decided to ceased our meetings and I found the goal of my life from the thing that she had given to me. To my surprise, Claire just thought a while and said she understood my meaning, and she trusted me for making the right decision for myself. These days, I have played chess with my grandmother (or I should say Christine Belle have played with her because I made 220
up that name to pretend to be her neighbor). I have win for most of the time, whereas she always says that does not count and wants to play again. Also, my father started to chat with me about my grandmother. “You get along with your grandmother quite well.” “Yea, she likes to play chess.” “Actually, you know everything that your grandmother and I’ve talked about, right?” 221
“Uh?” “Actually, you do not work at Burger King. You find your mother, right?” I was surprised that my father had known the truth, but how did he know it? I did not know how to answer him. Therefore, we kept silence for few minutes. Then he spoke and his words surprised me again. “Thank you.” “Why?” “Nothing. Thanks.” 222
I did not understand why he thanked me at that time. However, now I assumed he thanked me for taking care of grandmother or being a company with her. Although the actions of Claire and my father gave me a great surprise, the event that really astonished me happened at last night. Before going to see my grandmother, I went to buy some foodstuffs in a supermarket. As I went out the supermarket for two blocks, I saw a group of people chasing a man at the attic 223
of an apartment in front of me. Next, he was forced to stand at the corner since there was no place for him to go. Soon he jumped off the building, and then I heard the big sound of bump.
Other passengers also heard the sound and went toward the dead man. I went straight for a few steps to see what had 224
happened. Then, I saw the horrible face at lateral side with white spreading brain and red blood. Though he died awfully, I was still able to recognize him. He is Sheila’s ex-boyfriend! I covered my mouth to prevent myself to scream and went off quickly to the nursing home. During the way to the nursing home, I felt pretty complicated for this incident. I felt relieved somehow; nevertheless, I was not happy about it. When I arrived my grandmother’s 225
room, she was watching television. The female anchor was just reporting the news that the man was dead of falling from the high building at Kinmen Street and the police began to investigate the case. As she saw me sitting next to her, she caught my hand. “Chicago is quite dangerous now. That street is very close to the supermarket you went.” “Umm.” “Fortunately, you are fine, Christine.” 226
The screen of the television showed the terrible appearance of the dead man with mosaic. Nonetheless, it could still remind me the dreadful scenes that I saw. I was content that he deserved the wretched ending for himself. Meanwhile, I felt sad that a man passed away and wished he did not suffer much from his death.
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Chapter 20 Dawn
In the middle of April, the weather became much warmer so that the bright green grasses boosted up on the ground. The new golden leaves sprouted on trees and the red, pink, yellow and white tulips bloomed next to the paths in the park. 228
Some passengers stopped beside them and took pictures. In the early morning, Zona already began her daily routine. Sheila and her walking quickly passed through the beautiful scenery in spring. “I gain ten pounds after I quit smoking. I will be the big fat pig.” “Ten pounds won’t make you be a big fat pig.” “Anyway, I have to lose weight. I’m gonna run.” “Okay.” 229
Sheila ran fast far ahead Zona, whereas it did not bother Zona. While running, Zona smelled fragrant flowers and looked around lively plants. After two hours, Zona said goodbye to Sheila and went to Rush University Medical Center to visit her mother. Her uncle had told her reading story is helpful for the peace of her mother’s mind; thus she brought a book whenever she came. Sitting next to her mother, she read the book of three little pigs. 230
“At last, the two elder brothers lived at the young brother’s house.” Zona stopped the story and looked at her mother. Her eyes were half-opened with no responds. “Although I read stories for her, most of the time she does not have any respond. However, sometimes, she seems to know that I’m telling stories for her and has a smile. Well, just one thing that my uncle remind me- I have better not to hit anything. She’s scared of the sound of the 231
metal that will make her mad.� Zona thought and then her uncle touched her shoulder. He smiled at her, and she smiled, too. She knew that it looked like the story-telling did not help a lot, but they would wait and see the progress of her mother. In the afternoon, Zona passed a church while going back home. She saw the priest at the stage telling the miracle tales of God and the other people sat at the benches under the stage. Claire sat at the 232
last line, and then she turned back and saw Zona. She went out the church and talked to Zona happily.
“Hi, Zona. We haven’t seen for two months. How are you?” “Not bad. Sheila is trying to quit smoking and losing weight. Sometimes, I visit my grandmother at the nursing home. 233
Also, my father is more willing to have a chat with me.” “Sounds great. Do you want to come in?” “No. My families are still waiting for me to eat dinner.” Afterward, Claire went back to the church and Zona went off to home. In the evening, Bruce, Sheila and Zona sat beside the long dining table to eat dinner. Sheila and Zona sat together at one side of the table. Bruce sat at the other side in 234
front of them. They chatted the news recently happened and the trivial things at daily life. Suddenly, Zona thought of something and looked at Bruce. “I would like to see grandma at eight.� Bruce nodded his head and they continued their conversation about the coming of spring and the tips of losing weight. At a quarter to eight, Zona put some foodstuffs, like butter, toasts and cookies in a plastic bag. After that, Bruce 235
gave her a drive to the nursing home. At the balcony of Martha’s room, Zona had spent over a night with her grandmother since Martha was eager to see the dawn. Martha sat on a chair and covered a mattress on her body. On the other hand, Zona took the butter and the toasts to Martha. “You actually don’t need to wait for such a long time to see the dawn. I can set the alarm and wake you up.” “That’s not the same. When I was 236
young, I love to stand at the balcony waiting for the dawn. The one must wait at the long dark night and then will be able to admire the beauty of the dawn. It’s just like the life. The one has to get through many difficulties and then can have the happy ending. Isn’t it, Zona?� Zona showed the disturbed, confused, surprised expressions on her face. At that moment, she seemed to realize everything and gaped with an opened mouth. The sun rose up from the ground and 237
the yellow and orange bright light shone at Chicago.
238
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http://21019alyssacsi.blogspot.tw/2011/08/csi-le sson-6-38.html
https://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-image s/1566-817072
HOPING
As you open this book, you start to read a tragedy life for a young girl, Zona. You will get through the deepest sadness with her and wonder where the God is when tragedies happened. In the end, you might not only see Zona’s story but also yours.