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IN THIS ISSUE FEATURES
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Books and Writing
Auntie Karen’s Survival Guide Bookworm’s Corner Editorial Fiction Slapping Leather Why Did You Do That? Just Out The Idler The Noble Recreation The Society of Women Writers WA Your Voice Matters
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Business Card Board Essential Secret to Selling What is Hidle?
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Business
Front Page Photograph: Colonel Tom Moore Photograph: Public domain (See story on page 36)
Community
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Federal Notes 12 Flinders University News 33 Notes From Parliament 10 SAFE 39 SVRN Containers Wanted 53 Swan Valley Cuddly Animal Farm - SOS 52 The Doorstep Grocer 53
Today, We’re Asking for your Help Thank you The Compassionate Friends Covid - 19
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Another View 14 Ministers Reassure on Food 14 KSP Writers’ Centre and Covid-19 15 The Economy 15 Entertainment
Culpeper’s Herbal 47 Dining In House of Dao 18 Film 34 Footnote People in History 36 TV with Chris 30 Leisure
House and Garden Midland Junction Arts Centre
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DISCLAIMER The information in this publication is of a general nature. The articles contained herein are not intended to provide a complete discussion on each subject and or issues canvassed. Swan Magazine does not accept any liability for any statements or any opinion, or for any errors or omissions contained herein.
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EDITORIAL ANNIVERSARIES, APPLICATIONS AND OFFERS
‘N
ow this is not the end. It may not even be the beginning of the end , but it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.’ Sir Winston Churchill was speaking in November, 1942 after the battle of El Alamein, a stunning victory by the Allies. And, of course, it was the first major step on the long road to victory. The first significant milestone culminating in the invasion of Europe on the 6th June, 1944 - D-Day, of which we celebrated the 75th anniversary in such high style last year - vast concourses of people, huge staged presentations, gatherings of heads of state reading messages of hope and trust in the future. By stark comparison this year’s celebrations of the at least equally important 75th anniversary of Victory in Europe Day was sparse. Covid-19 has imposed limitations on every aspect of our daily lives including state occasions. As I sit here writing this, the 10th May, roughly four and a quarter million people have been infected, close to three hundred thousand have died world-wide. Here in Australia the figures are very much more encouraging, and in Western Australia even more so - in the last seven days only one new case has been discovered, there are only seven actives cases that we know of in the whole of the state, five of whom are in hospital. The Prime Minister has mapped out the road to recovery, leaving the timing and detail to each individual state. The economy has taken a pounding and we must suffer the cost for at least two years or even more, possibly even a lot more. No one at this point can calculate the eventual total cost, and indeed, it may never be able to be quantified. But what is certain is that the longer the isolation lasts the greater the price will be. On the other hand if the lock down is released too fast, or the wrong restrictions are lifted and we see a ‘second wave’ of infections the implications could be horrific. The delay of only a week can have terrible repercussions, as we have seen in both the UK and the USA, where lock-down measures were delayed for varying reasons and the populace of both seem not to be taking the virus seriously, ignoring the social distancing recommended and gathering in groups in flagrant violation of the law and the law of common sense. In the United States the matter seems to be tied to the citizens’ idea of freedom - freedom of assembly, freedom of worship - many churches are attracting huge crowds, relying on the protection of God, despite the fact that some pastors have already died of the disease. Western Australia’s isolation, quick response and rapid lock-down of borders seemingly have worked in our favour and we may well come out of this relatively unscathed. What is important, because the disease is not defeated, we have not won, what we have is a situation where, if we are very, very careful the numbers of new cases in the coming weeks will be within the limits of the medical profession’s capabilities to deal with. One of the weapons in the fight is the Covid-19 App on your smart phone. It is important that users and would-be users understand what the app will and will not do. The application will not track you down and inform the government (or the tax office) where you are, what you’re been doing or spending your money on. It will not protect you in any way from catching the disease, it does not confer any kind of immunity and you must maintain social distancing at all times. What it will do is inform you if you have come within one
and a half meters of someone who is later found to have the disease. It will tell you where you came in contact with the person PROVIDING both of you had the app, both had the app turned on, and you were together for more than fifteen minutes. If this is the case and the person enters the data once diagnosed, the app will inform you where and when you came in contact so that you can be tested and treated early if found positive. There are bugs still to be ironed out, but the app will save lives providing enough of us install the app on our phones, and as a corollary, of course, carry the phones with us at all times. Tracking an a-symptomatic carrier of the disease early is the key to control, and this the app will do.
SWAN MAGAZINE OFFER
Here at Swan Magazine we have seen 75% of our advertising revenue wiped out as our chief advertisers are restaurants, theatres and service providers such as barbers and dentists. We receive no other income at all other than advertising, so this is a boat we are really both in. We have been thinking of ways in which we can help our advertisers and have come up with a plan – we are going to offer free advertising for any business affected by the Covid-19 shutdown for the next five months. That is to say a quarter page advertisement (either 9cm x 13cm or 19cm x 6cm) completely free of any obligation whatsoever. We’re doing this so that businesses struggling to keep afloat (restaurants offering take-away, wineries offering socially distanced cellar doors etc) can let our readers know what they are offering. At the end of the period we’ll look at the situation again and advise further. The offer is for ANY business affected – you don’t need to have advertised with us before, there’s no expectation you’ll continue to advertise with us afterwards. But we would expect that you’d subscribe to the magazine. Which is the other aspect of this. We have, for the last twenty years, been a free magazine, but now in order for us to stay afloat, we find we have to charge for the magazine - $2.50 per month. The price of a loaf of bread, or half a cup of coffee. This, the May issue will be the last free copy but we hope that you, our supporters will continue to read Swan Magazine thereafter. Subscriptions will be arranged via Issuu, our usual publishing platform. If you would like to take advantage of the free advertising or ask any questions at all, please email me (editor@ swanmagazine.com.au) or ring me on 0418 934 850.
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BOOKS AND WRITING THE SOCIETY OF WOMEN WRITERS WA MARIA BONAR
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he Society of Women Writers WA encourages, supports and promotes women writers in both metropolitan and rural regions of Western Australia. Our meetings and workshops have been suspended during the coronavirus pandemic, but the Writers’ Circles and newsletter continue. Members also receive weekly email writing prompts. Once we get back to normal, members can attend monthly meetings in Perth to socialise and network with other writers and to hear guest speakers impart their knowledge and experience in many and varied fields of writing, including fiction, poetry, memoirs, nonfiction, crime and romance. Other popular topics include editing, proofreading and publishing your work. Weekend writing workshops are held periodically and the Society holds an annual writers' retreat in September in the lovely surroundings of Muresk Agricultural College near Northam. There are also annual writing retreats at the St John of God Retreat Centre in Shoalwater. At retreats, participants can attend a variety of in-house writing workshops, or simply spend the time catching up on their own writing projects. Members receive a monthly newsletter, In Print, to keep them informed of writing competitions, opportunities and upcoming events. The newsletter is also an avenue for members to have their work published and to acknowledge and celebrate members' achievements. Members can join one of several Writers' Circles. The circles contain approximately eight members, each of whom sends in a story, poem, article or book chapter to the circle editor, who collates the contributions, attaches a comments sheet and circulates the package to the group. Each member reads and critiques the work, which is returned to the author. The Writers' Circles are an excellent way of receiving comment and constructive feedback in a supportive environment and they are open to all members of the Society. They are particularly useful to isolated writers; those who live in country areas of the state, or those in suburban areas who cannot attend meetings. The Society organises rural weekend workshops once or twice per year to cater for our country members and to recruit more women from regional areas. Since 2012, we have visited Kalgoorlie, Geraldton, Merredin, Kalbarri, Albany, Esperance, Bunbury, Dongara and Busselton. The Society runs two writing competitions: The annual Bronze Quill Award (for members only) and the biennial Ethel Webb Bundell Literary Awards which are open to all. In keeping with the Society's aim to promote women writers, members have the opportunity to have a personalised page on the Society's website. For more information, call 0415 840 031, email swwofwa@ gmail.com or check the website: www.swwofwa.com.au
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BOOKS AND WRITING JUST OUT Title: Author: Publisher: ISBN:
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T Perry. ISBN:
The Dirty South John Connolly Hodder & Stoughton 9781 5293 9829 8
It is 1910 and a warehouse fire on the banks of the Thames has left one criminal dead and another charged with his murder. Convinced of his innocence, Jessie Beale begs barrister Daniel Pitt to defend the accused. It’s a hopeless case – unless Daniel can find an expert witness, whose testimony on fire damage is so utterly convincing that any jury would believe him. Daniel’s friend Miriam fford Croft was taught by formidable forensic scientist Sir Barnabas Saltram, who has built his reputation on giving evidence of this kind. But when Saltram agrees to testify, thus saving an innocent man from the gallows, Daniel unwittingly starts a chain of events that has devastating consequences for all of them…
t is 1997, and someone is slaughtering young black women in Burdon County, Arkansas. But no one wants to admit it, not in the Dirty South. In an Arkansas jail cell sits a former NYPD detective, stricken by grief. He is mourning the death of his wife and child, and searching in vain for their killer. He cares only for his own lost family. But that is about to change . . . Witness the becoming of Charlie Parker. About the Author John Connolly is the author of the Charlie Parker mysteries, The Book of Lost Things, the Samuel Johnson novels for young adults and, with his partner, Jennifer Ridyard, co-author of the Chronicles of the Invaders. John Connolly’s debut – Every Dead Thing – introduced the character of Private Investigator Charlie Parker, and swiftly launched him right into the front rank of thriller writers. All his subsequent novels have been Sunday Times bestsellers. He was the winner of the 2016 CWA Short Story Dagger for On the Anatomization of an Unknown Man (1637) by Frans Mier from Night Music: Nocturnes Vol 2. In 2007 he was awarded the Irish Post Award for Literature. He was the first non-American writer to win the US Shamus award and the first Irish writer to win an Edgar award. Books To Die For, which he edited with Declan Burke, was the winner of the 2013 Anthony, Agatha and Macavity awards for Best Non-Fiction. ~oOo~ Title: Author: Publisher:
9781 4722 5731 4 he third gripping instalment in an exciting new generation of Pitt novels, from the New York Times bestselling author and queen of Victorian crime, Anne
About the Author Anne Perry is a New York Times bestselling author noted for her memorable characters, historical accuracy and exploration of social and ethical issues. Her two series, one featuring Thomas Pitt and one featuring William Monk, have been published in multiple languages. Anne Perry has also published a successful series based around World War One and the Reavley family, and the recent standalone novel The Sheen on the Silk. Anne Perry was selected by The Times as one of the twentieth century’s ‘100 Masters of Crime’. Praise for Anne Perry: One of her most teasing mysteries, this time with a courtroom finale that may be her strongest ever - Kirkus Reviews A truly unusual mystery - Publishers Weekly Elegantly constructed and nail-bitingly tense - Good Book Guide Engrossing . . . The book gallops to a dramatic conclusion - Washington Times Daily There is a freshness about [Perry’s] writing which makes it truly exceptional - Eurocrime Anne Perry’s Victorian mysteries are marvels of plot construction - New York Times ~oOo~
One Fatal Flaw Anne Perry Hodder & Stoughton 5
Title: Author: Publisher: ISBN:
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especially for women alone. ‘Don’t go to the Grove,’ people mutter, but when her husband has to leave Rome, it falls to Flavia Albia to supervise his building project in an old grotto. Why has someone buried tattered scrolls by obscure philosophers – and does it involve a worse crime than terrible writing? Soon that puzzle is overtaken. A woman disappears from her husband’s birthday party; she meets a dire fate, then Albia learns that on the same night, two louche slaves given to her family by the brooding Emperor Domitian also vanished in the gardens. Apparently, it is well known that a killer lurks there. The vigiles have failed to investigate properly for decades and this won’t improve when the sinister agent Karus arrives. Albia must co-operate, in order to give the many victims justice and find answers for grieving relatives. But can she herself remain safe? And, after others have failed, can she at last identify the predator who has made the Grove his killing ground?
If Looks Could Kill Olivia Kiernan Hodder & Stoughton 9781 5294 0105 9
CS Frankie Sheehan is experiencing a crisis of confidence – having become wary of the instincts that have led her face-to-face with a twisted killer and brought those she loves into direct jeopardy. She is summoned to the rural Wicklow mountains, where local mother of two, Debbie Nugent, has been reported missing. A bloody crime scene is discovered at Debbie’s home, yet no body. Not only is foul play suspected, but Debbie’s daughter, Margot, has been living with the scene for three days. Aware her team cannot convict Margot on appearances alone, Sheehan launches a full investigation into Debbie Nugent’s life. And, before long, the discrepancies within Debbie’s disappearance suggest that some families are built on dangerous deceptions, with ultimately murderous consequences.
About the author ... Historical novelist Lindsey Davis is best known for her novels set in Ancient Rome, including the much-loved Marcus Didius Falco series, although she has also written about the English Civil War, including in 2014 A Cruel Fate, a book for the Quick Reads literacy initiative. Her examination of the paranoid reign of the roman emperor Domitian began with Master and God, a standalone novel, leading to her new series about Flavia Albia, set in that dark period. Her books are translated and have been dramatized on BBC Radio 4. Her many awards include the Premio Colosseo (from the city of Rome) and the Crime Writers’ Cartier Diamond Dagger for lifetime achievement. Most recently she was the inaugural winner of the Barcino (Barcelona) International Historical Novel Prize.
About the author ... Olivia Kiernan is an Irish writer living in the UK. She was born and raised in County Meath, near the famed heritage town of Kells. She holds an MA in Creative Writing awarded by the University of Sussex. Too Close to Breathe was her first novel. What the reviewers say: • Cracking . . . Taut, gripping and beautifully written - Steve Cavanagh • An ending you definitely won’t see coming - JP Delaney Drew me in from the first chapter . . . This should be one of the books of the year - James Delargy • If Looks Could Kill raises the bar once more. Superb plotting, excellent character development and no one does setting better, in my opinion. Clever, stylish, cinematic. And bloody entertaining - Caz Frear • A superior crime thriller filled with fascinating characters and laced with dark wit. The ending was both shocking and satisfying. Highly recommended - Mark Edwards • What an absolute winner of a book. Superbly plotted, with characters I immediately want to hang out with more, and an immensely satisfying yet real conclusion. Five stars from me - Gytha Lodge ~oOo~
What the reviewers say: • Lindsey Davis has seen off all her competitors to become the unassailable market leader in the ‘crime in Ancient Rome’ genre . . . Davis’s squalid, vibrant Rome is as pleasurable as ever. – Guardian • Davis’s prose is a lively joy, and Flavia’s Rome is sinister and gloriously real – The Times on Sunday • For fans of crime fiction set in the ancient world, this one is not to be missed. – Booklist • Davis’s books crackle with wit and knowledge . . She has the happy knack of making the reader feel entirely
Title: The Grove Of The Caesars Author: Lindsay Davis Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton 9781 5293 7424 7 ISBN: Don’t go to the Grove . . .
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ulius Caesar left his gardens to the citizens of Rome, a peaceful sanctuary across the Tiber. Now the gardens and their sacred grove are dangerous haunts, 6
a real touch of Murder on the Orient Express about it - a closed room mystery filled with nasty people and abundant motives. A real page-turner - Araminta Hall, author of Our Kind of Cruelty • Sensational. . . taut and claustrophobic, wickedly plotted and laced with the kind of dark humour that lifts Jo Spain to the top of my reading pile every single time - Chris Whitaker, author of Tall Oaks • Has you addicted from the very first page. I found it impossible to put down - Michelle Frances, author of The Girlfriend • An intriguing Rubik’s Cube of a book that kept me turning the pages to get to the truth. So well plotted and beautifully written. I absolutely loved it - Liz Nugent, author of Unravelling Oliver • [A] sophisticated new crime novel - Sunday Times • A fabulously entertaining whodunit, with a sly wit and a wonderful detective duo - Sunday Mirror • [An] Agatha Christie-esque and emotion-charged lockedestate mystery - Sunday Sport This is a winner in my book - Woman’s Way, Book of the Week ~oOo~
immersed in Rome. – The Times • For a totally exhilarating romp through Ancient Rome, Lindsey Davis’ latest Flavia Alba novel won’t be beaten and offers an immersive experience of a vibrant world full of real, recognisable characters. - Mike Ripley, Shotsmag ~oOo~ Title: Dirty Little Secrets Author: Jo Spain Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton 9781 7874 7433 8 ISBN: From the Number One bestselling author of ‘The Confession’ .
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ix neighbours, six secrets, six reasons to want Olive Collins dead. In the exclusive gated community of Withered Vale, people’s lives appear as perfect as their beautifully manicured lawns. Money, success, privilege – the residents have it all. Life is good. There’s just one problem. Olive Collins’ dead body has been rotting inside number four for the last three months. Her neighbours say they’re shocked at the discovery but nobody thought to check on her when she vanished from sight. The police start to ask questions and the seemingly flawless facade begins to crack. Because, when it comes to Olive’s neighbours, it seems each of them has something to hide, something to lose and everything to gain from her death. The new psychological thriller from the bestselling author of The Confession, perfect for fans of Liane Moriarty.
Title: Author: Publisher: ISBN:
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The Darlings Cristina Alger Hodder & Stoughton 9781 5293 5176 7
ristina Alger’s debut novel offers a fresh and modern glimpse into New York’s high society. I was hooked from page one’ Lauren Weisberger, author of The Devil Wears Prada. From the author of The Banker’s Wife and Girls Like Us comes an explosive drama about family, greed and high society scandal. The Darlings of New York are untouchable. But no one is safe from a scandal this big. When Carter Darling’s business partner commits suicide, it triggers a huge financial investigation. The allegations are serious. The danger of it exposing their private lives is equally threatening. In times of crisis, the Darlings have always stuck together. But with the stakes so high, how long will their loyalty last?
About the author ... Jo Spain is a full-time writer and screenwriter. Her first novel, With Our Blessing, was one of seven books shortlisted in the Richard and Judy Search for a Bestseller competition and her first psychological thriller, The Confession, was a number one bestseller in Ireland. Jo co-wrote the ground-breaking television series Taken Down, which first broadcast in Ireland in 2018. She’s now working on multiple European television projects. Jo lives in Dublin with her husband and their four young children.
About the author ... Cristina Alger is a lifelong New Yorker. A graduate of Harvard College and NYU Law School, she worked as a financial analyst and a corporate attorney before becoming a writer. Her third novel, The Banker’s Wife is a USA Today Bestseller. She lives in New York with her husband and children.
What the reviewers say: • It’s a winning combination of locked room (or in this case locked estate) mystery and incisive social commentary - Sinead Crowley, author of One Bad Turn • Dirty Little Secrets has got
More next month ... 7
YOUR VOICE MATTERS NOT KNOWING WHY SHERENE STRAHAN
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afraid to admit I didn’t know something. As a TV reporter, I hated going to press conferences because I was afraid my questions would be seen as foolish by other reporters, who would surely already know the answers. I should have remembered that our news audience probably didn’t know - that’s why we were there. To find out for them. As writers, that’s our job too. To find out for our audience. The authors of Think Like a Freak, Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, say that it’s impossible to learn the things you need to know until you admit you don’t know them in the first place. The older I get, the better I am at being okay with not knowing and the better I’m able to see the payoffs. Being transparent in admitting you don’t know means your audience can come on the journey of discovery with you. Being strategic in acknowledging there’s some skill you need to learn means you’ll spot chances to grow your abilities. And being courageous in allowing yourself to not know but still seizing new opportunities means you could go further and faster and more fantastically than you ever imagined. Like the Game of Thrones scriptwriters who recently admitted they didn’t know what they were doing when they started writing the blockbuster series. Some have argued they never worked it out - but that’s not the point. Not knowing didn’t stop them and it shouldn’t stop us. We just need to own it and move forward.
or some people, finding the purpose that drives them - finding their Why - is a joyful and fulfilling quest. For me, it was an exercise in frustration. I’d write one Why statement after another, each time thinking I'd got it just right but soon the fit would seem all wrong and I'd have to start again. Then, just this week, I found something that helped me understand the clear and simple purpose that has always driven me. I found my Why - only, it didn't start as mine. Before I tell you more, I have to go back a little. The road was long In 2015, I wanted to return to my journalism roots without going back into the media. Since leaving my last job as bureau producer for A Current Affair, I’d done two degrees and dipped into school teaching. But I'd begun to realise that my heart really lay in creating content and sharing. I wanted back in. I briefly considered a freelance career - hence the business card - but when I was offered a job in marketing and communications, I thought it would be enough. It wasn't. I was still obsessed with how people could create better content and communications that would not only show their best but also be more worthy of an audience's time. So I kept writing and thinking, learning and sharing. I kept blogging and did some consulting work. Over time I got comfortable with my own voice, which wasn't easy for someone trained to stay at arm's length from the story. All this was progress - but I still couldn't explain why I spent so much time doing all that writing and thinking, learning and sharing. Until I read this line in an article in The New Yorker: “I believe that no one does anything well, including living life, unless there’s a decent purpose to it. For me, that purpose always has been to show our connectedness... Jane Ferguson, Running Nowhere in Beirut, (The New Yorker) And it hit me connectedness is what rings true with me too. So I borrowed that line from Jane Ferguson, and I turned it slightly towards me and found my Why. My Why is to encourage connectedness. As a journalist, as a teacher, as a parent and as a communications specialist. I want to show people how they can use words and pictures to see the best in themselves and in others. There’s nothing wrong with borrowing. Borrowing and building. If you are struggling to articulate your Why maybe the words of others could hold the seed of an idea for you.
I CAN’T
‘I can’t do it. I just can’t.’ There was a tremor in the little girl’s voice as she half pushed, half cycled her bike uphill. Dad was patient but firm. ‘Don’t think about that. Just focus on what’s next.’ Just focus on what’s next - I liked this advice so much that I had to scribble it down once I got back to our caravan park in Albany, Western Australia. (Side note: Albany is charm on a stick packed with history, scenery, splendid beaches and great people). ‘Just focus on what’s next.’ In the middle of ‘doing’, it’s easy to get sidetracked by an internal running commentary on how we feel about what we’re doing. Judging our work is normal but focusing on those feelings, which are usually negative, can stall us. Instead, focus on what’s next. What’s next? Finish the work. Do more research. Read it out loud. Leave it alone for a while. When it comes time to edit, tease out specifics around what’s working and what’s not. And here’s something I picked up from my tv producer days: when editing, consider changing the structure before you change the content itself. Even when editing scripts of some very experienced news reporters, I would often have to delete the opening paragraph or two. Many times, the story really starts in the second or third paragraph. Love yourself for doing this work. It’s worth it. Until next time, may curiosity serve you well.
NOT KNOWING
Why is admitting we don’t know something so frowned upon? Even that word ‘admitting’ suggests not knowing is a fault. We start life assuming our parents know everything. By the time that’s fallen away, we’ve developed our fear of admitting we don’t know something. Do we learn it in school? Through the media? From each other? I do know this: the times in my life when I’ve been least effective have been when I was 8
BOOKWORM’S CORNER There are four law books bound in human skin at the Harvard University Library. Anthropodermic bibliopegy is the term given to binding books in human skin. There are actually several books known to be bound in human skin. Interestingly it was mainly doctors who bound these books. There are also several books bound in animal skin.
ALL THINGS BOOKS AND BIBLIOPHILE our excursion through the bye-ways and literary Continuing lanes of bibliophilia. The Benefits of Reading It’s common knowledge that reading is good for you, but did you know how good? The following facts might convince you to pick up a book for your health. • People Who Read Fiction Are Nicer - According to a 2017 study by Kingston University, there is a relationship between reading fiction and real-world social abilities. People who read fiction are more empathetic, open minded to others’ viewpoints, more likely to demonstrate positive social behavior. • Reading Books Can Help Prevent Alzheimer’s and Dementia - One way to help prevent Alzheimer’s and Dementia is to pick up a book. People who engage in reading throughout their lives, and other mentally stimulating activities, typically have less beta-amyloid proteins and plaque in their brains (which are associated with Alzheimer’s).
A 17th century book on female virginity E Integritatis et Corruptionis Virginum by S. Pinaeus in the Wellcome Libary, rebound in human skin by Dr. Ludovic Bouland around 1865
• Reading Can Relieve Stress - According to a study by the University of Sussex, reading can reduce stress levels by up to 68%. Reading even outscored listening to music (61%) and having a cup of tea or coffee (54%) as a tool for stress relief.
Former American President Theodore Roosevelt was reputed to read one book every day. An interesting fact for sure, with todays distractions we would find it difficult to read this much. There are plenty of people that read a lot of books in a week but one day is an achievement.
• People Who Read Live Longer - According to a study published in Social Science & Medicine, reading books for at least thirty minutes a day can increase one’s lifespan. Researchers found that those who read books for half an hour or more a day had a twenty-three month survival advantage (live almost two years longer on average).
It is claimed that the longest sentence to ever be printed in literature belongs to Victor Hugo. The claim is that in Les Misérables there is a sentence which is 823 words long. This is the longest fact we have on our list. I dont think a blog post would work very well with sentances this long. We actually managed to find a version of the sentence, the one we found is 805 words. You can read it here – www.silviatomasvillalobos. wordpress.com/tag/victor-hugos-very-long-sentence/.
Did you know, the fear of running out of something to read is called Abibliophobia. You really don’t have to worry about this fact. With all the different reading material in the world, I doubt this is even possible. On estimate, there are over 900,000 new books published each year. This fact is quite hard to get an exact number. In all honesty this number is probably closer to well over 1,000,000 books published a year as some of the figures are slightly out of date. China leads this fact with over 440,000, the USA in second place at over 300,000 and the UK in third with over 184,000.
Up to 50 books can be made from 1 tree. We love this fact. Being sustainable is a massive part of our day-to-day lives and being able to make up to fifty books from one tree is fantastic especially with printing companies using fully sustainable paper. More next month ... 9
HOUSE AND GARDEN TEACUP GARDENING MARION LOGIE
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miniature garden planted in a teacup can contribute a natural, lush atmosphere to areas where full-sized plants might not easily fit. Create your own teacup garden by selecting teacups of your choice and turning them into a receptacle capable of growing plants in. This is achieved by drilling a hole in the cup for drainage, then inserting the plants into the potting soil, over a bed of pebbles. To complete the garden impression, you can also sculpt and paint unique decorations for the teacup garden, such as brightly colored mushrooms and houses, using an air-dry modeling compound. To complete the project, all that is then needed is to display it proudly.
if you don't want to drill. If you don't want to damage your teacup - particularly if it's a vintage cup - you can still provide drainage by creating a small layer of pebbles at the bottom of your cup that will allow water to drain down and away from the roots of your plant. Spread a shallow layer ½” (12.7 mm) to 1” (25.4 mm) of pebbles in the bottom of the teacup for drainage.
PLANTING IN THE TEACUP
Choose suitable plants for the teacup garden. Prioritize plants that are resilient and hearty. Generally, alpine plants and succulents work well for teacup gardens. These require little water and can thrive even in small containers. Suggestions for suitable alpine and succulent options include: Alpine - Thrift (Armeria juniperifolia), winter aconite (Eranthis cilicica), fritillary (Fritillaria uva-vulpis), primrose (dwarf Primula marginata), saxifrage (Saxifraga), stonecrop (Sedum species), and others. Succulents - Moon cactus (Gymnocalycium mihanovichii), aloe, small hens and chicks (Sempervivum tectorum), baby jade or hobbit jade (Crassula ovata), zebra plant (Haworthia fasciata), blue waves (Echeveria), and similar small succulent varieties. Layer pebbles under the potting soil to promote plant health. Alpine plants and succulents have adapted to severe, often arid or semi-arid climates, so too much water can be harmful to them. Fill the bottom third of the teacup with small pebbles, to prevent the buildup of excess water. Insert the plants, along with any additional soil needed, into the teacup. Add soil to the teacup until it is about threequarters of the way full. Remove plants from their containers gently. Create a small hole in the soil with your finger, then insert the plant's roots. Fill in additional soil as necessary. The ideal depth for the root holes of specific plants should be indicated on the care instructions that came with your plant. When in doubt, look this information up online with a keyword search for the relevant plant. To ensure that the plant has enough nutrients in the teacup garden, mix potting soil with a granular, slow-release fertilizer separately before adding it to the teacup. The amount of fertilizer needed should be indicated on the fertilizer's label directions. When topping off the teacup with soil, refrain from adding too much soil. The soil should not cover the bottom foliage of the plants, as this can cause disease or rotting. Water the teacup garden as necessary. After planting, water your plants well, but do not saturate the soil. After watering, check the care instructions for the plants, to determine how frequently they
PREPARING THE TEACUP
Select the teacups for the garden. If you don’t have a supply of teacups already in your cupboard that you’re willing to sacrifice for this project, you’ll need to purchase some. You can find inexpensive cups at your local op shop or secondhand store. Or, look in antique stores for older, delicate teacups or sales at department or home-ware stores; the sales can be especially useful for mismatching and loose teacups sold at discount prices. Purchase teacup and saucer combos. You can use the saucer as a drip tray to catch water that leaks through the drainage hole that you’ll drill into the bottom of the cup later.
PLANT A TEACUP GARDEN
Make an indentation in the chosen teacup, to prepare it for drilling. Place a small X of masking tape in the center of the bottom of the cup. Lightly tap a drill bit at the center of the X with a hammer until a small dent is created. Ensure that this tap is very light, or the cup can shatter. Drill a hole in the teacup for drainage. Before drilling, protect your eyes with safety glasses. With moderate pressure, drill at the dent at a low speed until the drainage hole is formed. Be patient while drilling. This process may take up to five minutes or more. Applying too much pressure could cause the teacup to crack. Place a piece of scrap wood under your cup while drilling. This way, if you suddenly punch through the cup, you don’t accidentally drill into your work surface. To reduce friction and the chances of damaging the teacup, irrigate the hole with a little water, as you're drilling. Spray bottles and eyedroppers work well for applying water in this fashion. Use small pebbles for drainage 10
need to be watered. Different plants have varying watering needs. Lightly misting plants with a spray bottle will help you avoid over-watering and is especially recommended if you used pebbles instead of drainage holes. If you don’t plan on using a drip tray, move teacup gardens to the sink when watering and replace them when they’ve drained completely.
be sheltered if outside, to prevent breakage or over-drying of the plants, since they're growing in very little soil. Most teacup gardens are kept indoors but there is no harm placing them on a sheltered patio, balcony or even in a herb or kitchen garden area. Consider making a display of several teacup gardens together. One teacup garden alone is fine but you can create even more impact and interest by arranging several teacup gardens together. Such as using a tiered cake stand. Place one teacup garden on each tier of the cake stand or place a row of teacup gardens together, such as along a shelf or on a table. Keep to the same pattern of teacup or vary the teacup patterns but ensure they complement each other well.
DECORATION
Determine whether you'd like to add more features to the teacup garden. While this section is optional, adding miniature items does create a sweet atmosphere that draws the viewer's eye in for closer observation. You can add already made small items, or you can make some from modeling clay and craft items such as creating mushrooms or houses with air-dry modeling compound. Attach Spanish moss to the roofs of the houses with a little hot glue. Add the models to your teacup garden. Arrange several houses together to make it look like you have a miniature village tucked away in your teacup garden.
PLACEMENT
Decide where to place the teacup garden. It can be either an indoor or an outdoor garden, although it needs to
11
FEDERAL NOTES HASLUCK HAPPENINGS THE HON KEN WYATT AM MP
Federal Member for Hasluck, Minister for Indigenous Australians
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COVID-19: NEW APP TO SLOW THE SPREAD
he Australian Government has launched the new voluntary coronavirus App, COVIDSafe. The app is an important public health initiative that will help keep you, your family, and your community safe from further spread of coronavirus through early notification of possible exposure. Federal Member for Hasluck, the Hon Ken Wyatt AM MP said everyone in Hasluck is doing an extraordinary job to flatten the curve and contain the spread of the coronavirus, but we cannot be complacent. “The Chief Medical Officer’s advice is we need the COVIDSafe App as part of the plan to save lives and save livelihoods,” Mr Wyatt said. “The more people who download this important public health App, the safer they and their family will be, the safer the community will be and the sooner we can safely lift restrictions and get back to business and do the things we love.” The health initiative uses technology to automate and improve what state and territory health officials already do manually. COVIDSafe will speed up the process of identifying people who have been in close contact with someone diagnosed with coronavirus, quickly stopping further spread of the virus in the community. Minister for Health, Greg Hunt said the App is part of the three key requirements for easing restrictions: Test, Trace and Respond. “The App will be one of the critical tools we will use to help protect the health of the community by quickly alerting people who may be at risk of having contact with COVID-19,” Minister Hunt said. A new determination issued by the Minister for Health under the Biosecurity Act will ensure information provided voluntarily through the App will only be accessible for use by authorised state and territory health officials. Any other access or use will be a criminal offence. Minister for Government Services, Stuart Robert, described
the App as being developed with one purpose: to stop the spread of coronavirus. “Once installed and running, the COVIDSafe App uses Bluetooth to look for other phones that also have the App installed,” Minister Robert said. “It then securely makes a ‘digital handshake’, which notes the date and time, distance and duration of the contact. All information collected by the App is securely encrypted and stored in the App on the user’s phone. No one, not even the user, can access it.” “Unless and until a person is diagnosed with COVID-19, no contact information collected in the App is disclosed or able to be accessed. Then, once the person agrees and uploads the data, only the relevant state or territory public health officials will have access to information. “The only information they are allowed to access is that of close contacts – when a person has come within approximately 1.5 metres of another App user for fifteen minutes or more – in their jurisdiction,” Minister Robert said. Welcoming the announcement, Australian Chief Medical Officer, Brendan Murphy said COVIDSafe is set to be a major tool in streamlining the process of identifying contacts after a person tests positive for coronavirus. “Finding out quickly means you can quarantine yourself or be treated much faster, protecting your family and friends from possible infection, and slowing the spread of the virus,” Professor Murphy said. “COVIDSafe only keeps contact information for 21 days. This covers the maximum incubation period for the virus and the time it takes for someone to be tested for COVID-19,” Professor Murphy said. The App can be downloaded from the App stores. For more details visit www.health.gov.au.
PROGRAM FUNDS TO SAVE LIVES
Residents of the Hasluck electorate received a major road safety boost today with the Australian Government announcing it will invest $3,015,000 toward four projects under the 2020-21 Black Spot Program. ADVERTISEMENT Federal Member for Hasluck, the Hon Ken Wyatt AM MP said community input was critical to identifying key black spots in the electorate. “Road crashes place major emotional Member for East Metropolitan Region and economic strains on all affected communities but particularly the families and friends of the victims,” Mr Wyatt said. “I am pleased to see that projects like development of a roundabout and street lighting upgrades at the intersection of William Street, Bickley Road and Camberwell Street in Beckenham will be delivered under the 2020-21 funding round. “Motorists living within and visiting Hasluck will be pleased to know that four notorious black spots in the electorate will Contact Donna be fixed with funding from the program. 9379 0840 | faragher.eastmetro@mp.wa.gov.au “None of these projects would be donnafaragher.com.au DonnaFaragherMLC delivered without the community’s vital Ground Floor 108 Swan Street, Guildford WA 6055 input and I encourage all residents and Authorised by S.Calabrese, Liberal Party, 2/12 Parliament Place, West Perth WA 6005.
Donna Faragher JP MLC
Here to help!
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WESTERN AUSTRALIA
signage, traffic lights and roundabouts, the Black Spot Program reduces crashes causing injury and death at those sites by around thirty per cent.” Assistant Minister for Road Safety and Freight Transport Scott Buchholz said the thirty-three Black Spot projects across Western Australia would make an important contribution towards reducing serious injuries and deaths on WA roads. “The Bureau of Infrastructure, Transport and Regional Economics has found, on average, Black Spot projects reduce the number of crashes causing death and injury by 30 per cent.” “Nationwide, the Australian Government has committed $1.05 billion to the Black Spot Program from 2013-14 to 2022-23 to improve road safety across the nation.” “Our Government is committed to building better, safer roads in partnership with the State and Local Governments, to get you home sooner and safer. “But, safer roads are only one component of improving our road toll. Road safety is everyone’s responsibility.” For more information on the Australian Government’s Black Spot Program, or to nominate a black spot, visit www.investment.infrastructure.gov.au/funding/blackspots.
HASLUCK PROJECT DETAILS
motorists in the region to nominate projects for future funding rounds.” Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Infrastructure, Transport and Regional Development Michael McCormack announced Western Australia would receive $15.4 million in 2020-21 under the latest round of program funding. “Safer roads save lives. The Australian Government is committed to improving roads in Western Australia and right across the nation. As a regional member for Parliament, I know first-hand how road crashes causing death and injury affect smaller communities. By specifically targeting road locations with a history of crashes for safety upgrades such as lighting,
• Old Northam Road between Thornwick Crescent and Haigh Road at Chidlow: $600,000 to widen shoulders from 0.5m to 1.0m and install edge lines. • Bailup Road between Burma Road and Toodyay Road at Bailup: $300,000 to reconstruct superelevation on curve (SLK 7.80 - 8.10), widen bend to 7.0m to achieve design speed of 70km/ hr, install signs; • Roe Highway Between Albany Highway and Orrong Road at Beckenham: $465,000 to install wire rope barrier in the median including pier protection; • William Street, Bickley Road and Camberwell Street at Beckenham: $1,650,000 to replace staggered intersection with a roundabout, upgrade and install street lighting
HOW I CAN HELP
Contact me through phone, email , or my website .
KEN WYATT AM mp FEDERAL MEMBER FOR HASLUCK
Shop 10-12 Hawaiians Forrestfield, 80 Hale Road, Forrestfield WA 6058 08 9359 0322 Ken.Wyatt.MP@aph.gov.au kenwyatt.com.au KenWyattMP Authorised by Ken Wyatt, Liberal Party, Shop 10-12 Hawaiian’s Forrestfield, 80 Hale Road,Forrestfield WA 6058.
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COVID -19 MINISTERS REASSURE ON FOOD
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Human Services allowed the establishment to remain open to process or transfer all animals in holding yards. “There was agreement by all state and territory ministers to convene a review of business continuity involving state agriculture, workplace health and safety, health officials and the meat industry. “And the Commonwealth will be involved too, as it has responsibility around meat exports and certification. “We will remain agile to the concerns and issues that arise out of COVID-19 to make sure that lives and livelihoods are saved. “By working together we will get through this and we will make sure Australia’s food security remains among the best in the world.”
he federal, state and territory agricultural ministers have moved to reassure and reiterate to Australians that there is no evidence that COVID-19 can be transmitted by food. It came as all the ministers met for a regular meeting of agricultural ministers to discuss how the sector is dealing with the COVID-19 crisis. The Federal Minister for Agriculture, David Littleproud said it was a timely meeting given the concerns around the outbreak of the disease in a Victorian abattoir. “There is no evidence that COVID-19 is transmitted by food which is a real comfort for us all and our agricultural sector.” Minister Littleproud said. “That is the position of the Food Standards Australia New Zealand and other international food regulators. The Victorian regulatory authority and the Federal Department of Agriculture does not intend to initiate a recall of any product produced at Cedar Meats as the products are safe. The meeting heard that there was no animal welfare impact because the Victorian Department of Health and
ANOTHER VIEW AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Child: "How old are you, Grandpa?" Grandpa: "I'm 81, dear." Child: "So does that mean you were alive during the Coronavirus?" Grandpa: "Yes, I was." Child: "Wow. That must have been horrible, Grandpa. We were learning about that at school this week. They told us about how all the schools had closed. And moms and dads couldn't go to work so didn't have as much money to do nice things. They said that you weren't allowed to go and visit your friends and family and couldn't go out anywhere. “They told us that the shops and stores ran out of lots of things so you didn't have much bread, and flour, and toilet rolls. They said that summer holidays were cancelled. And they told us about all those thousands of people that got very sick and who died. They explained how hard all the doctors and nurses and all essential workers worked, and that lots of them died, too. That must have been so horrible, grandpa!" Grandpa: "Well, that is all correct. And I know that because I read about it when I was older. But to tell you the truth I remember it differently... I remember playing in the garden for hours with mom and dad and having picnics outside and lots of bbqs. “I remember making things and fishing with my Dad and baking with my Mom. I remember making forts and learning how to do hand stands and back flips. I remember having quality time with my family. “I remember Mom's favorite words becoming 'Hey, I've got an idea...' Rather than 'Maybe later or tomorrow I'm a bit busy'. I remember making our own bread and pastry. I remember having movie night three or four times a week instead of just one. It was a horrible time for lots of people you are right. But I remember it differently."
Stay informed on coronavirus. COVID-19 information is being updated daily, for current advice visit health.gov.au. The best defence against most viruses including COVID-19 is practising good hygiene. Wash your hands frequently with soap and water. Cover your cough/sneeze and dispose of tissues. Avoid contact with others if you are unwell. If you have travelled overseas or been in contact with a confirmed case and have symptoms, call your GP or the National Coronavirus Health Information Line on 1800 020 080.
For information on the Government’s economic response to the coronavirus visit: treasury.gov.au/coronavirus. If you own a business you can call Treasury on 02 6263 3030 to determine exactly what support your business can receive or if you need to discuss tax deferrals with the ATO, small businesses should call 1800 806 218.
~oOo~ Remember how our children will remember these times. Be in control of the memories they are creating right now, so that through all the awful headlines and emotional stories for so many that they will come to read in future years, they can remember the happy times.
Authorised by Ken Wyatt MP, Liberal Party of Australia, Shop 10-12 Hawaiian’s Forrestfield, 80 Hale Road Forrestfield WA 6058.
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COVID -19 THE ECONOMY
HON CHRISTIAN PORTER Federal Member for Pearce
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e are living in unprecedented times. Across the world, countries are facing twin battles – against coronavirus and against the economic ruin it can threaten. Now is the time for Australia to dig deep. Over the next six months, the Government will support the jobs and livelihoods of what we anticipate being around six million Australians who will need a lifeline. We have already boosted the JobSeeker payment for those who lose their jobs. Now, the Government is introducing a JobKeeper payment of $1,500 per employee, per fortnight. This will be paid to employers, to keep people in jobs. Read the factsheet.
We want to keep the engine of our economy running through the crisis. It may run on idle for a time, but it must continue to run. By keeping employers and workers together, we can help our economy bounce back. The JobKeeper payment is a uniquely Australian solution, carefully designed using our systems, to work in our country. Most important, it is built on our values as Australians. It is available to: • Employers whose turnover has fallen by 30% or more (where annual turnover is less than $1 billion). Employers with a turnover of $1 billion or more will be required to demonstrate a reduction of 50% or more. • Full and part time workers, sole traders, and casuals who have been with their employer for 12 months or more. Businesses structured through companies, partnerships, trusts and sole traders, as well as not-for-profit entities, including charities. • Workers that are on an employer’s books as of 1 March. This means if you’re an employer who's been forced to retrench workers, you can put them back on your books and receive this $1,500 payment. The JobKeeper payment will be administered through the Australian Tax Office. Under our system, there is not more support for some than others. Every worker is treated the same way. This is fair. Every arm of government and industry is working to keep Australians in jobs and businesses in business, and to build a bridge to recovery on the other side. We will continue to do what it takes to ensure Australia bounces back stronger. For information and updates, please go to: www.australia.gov.au.
KSP WRITERS’ CENTRE AND COVID-19 SHANNON COYLE
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OVID-19 Update: A lot has happened around the world since last month! On behalf of the team at the KSP Writers’ Centre, we hope that you and your families are keeping safe and healthy at this time. As a cultural organisation, the KSP Writers’ Centre is now closed to the public due to government directives. However, just because doors are closed, it does not mean that the Centre is not available to the community. The Shire of Mundaring are kindly continuing to provide essential funding for the Centre, which means that admin staff can keep their jobs and continue to run services, as well as catch up on other projects such as maintenance of the heritage property. We continue to offer a monthly e-newsletter which includes a regular column about the history of author Katharine Susannah Prichard written by local historian and biographer, Nathan Hobby. It also includes a free flash fiction competition, interviews with authors, and resource links. You can sign up directly through the website, or feel free to email us and we’ll sort it out for you.
We are also inviting writers to enter our upcoming online short fiction and poetry competitions, or apply for a 2021 residency: KSP Writer-in-Residence Applications, deadlines in June, July and September The KSP Writers' Centre is proud to support the development of literary work by hosting a number of annual residencies and fellowships. Some positions offer a salary and opportunity to present workshops. Please visit our website for criteria and application details. KSP Writing Competitions, deadlines in September and October In 2020, KSP is offering two writing competitions in the categories of Short Fiction and Poetry. Entry costs for adults start at $10; youth can enter for free thanks to sponsorship from the Shire of Mundaring. Cash prizes and certificates on offer. For more details on any of these activities please visit the KSP website www.kspwriterscentre.com or email us on office@ kspwriterscentre.com . 15
WRITING AUNTIE KAREN’S SURVIVAL GUIDE KAREN R TREANOR
How to find a place to live. How to furnish it without getting into a morass of debt. Sharing versus being on your own. Picking a flatmate that you won’t want to kill in 48 hours.
Anything you buy used should be scrubbed well, especially the drawers of bureaus and cabinets, and the undersides of anything that might offer shelter to spiders, bedbugs or scorpions. If you can put the item out in the sun for a day or two, so much the better. Are you going to rent privately or through an agent? The first might be cheaper at first glance, but it has potential problems. Agents generally operate according to fairly strict rules and regulations about bonds and inspections and the like; private landlords, sometimes not as much. Be prepared to post a substantial bond for whatever property you rent, and at least two weeks rent in advance, possibly more. However you acquire your new digs, whoever owns the place will want to be sure you are taking reasonably good care of it. Letting agents will send someone with a clip board and white cotton gloves to check every nook and cranny. Mrs Flanagan who rents out the studio over her garage may not be that fussed about it—or she may make Attila the Hun’s mother-in-law look like Mary Poppins. Regardless, you have the right to a quiet and secure enjoyment of the place you are renting. Inspections should be arranged for a mutually convenient time and not put excessively heavy conditions on the tenant. Check out your rights on the Housing.wa.gov website below. The bond money should be kept in an interest-bearing separate account by the landlord, and you should get it back when you leave if there has been no damage to the property that is your fault. A water heater blowing up is the landlord’s responsibility, but the tic-tac-toe in permanent market on the toilet room wall, that’s down to you or your crazy cousin Madge, whichever one of you decided the last Mai Tai in the pitcher shouldn’t go to waste. You should examine the rental property as soon as you get the keys, and photograph anything that might later be blamed on your tenancy—scratched paint, broken light switches, dripping bath taps, torn carpet—anything that might be set against your bond when you move out needs to be documented. Most agents will have a standard property report sheet that will have everything listed, but private landlords often do not. Before signing a lease, check out this website for lots of useful information: www.housing.wa.gov.au/currenttenants/ publichousing/tenantsrightsandresponsibilities/Pages/default. aspx
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ard to believe, but there are more important things to consider when choosing a home of your own than how close it is to the beach. When house hunting, take into consideration how you are going to get from where you live to all the other places you need to be. It’s no good getting a fantastic bargain on a duplex in Yanchep if you work or go to school in Rockingham. Not only will commuting cost you a fortune in petrol or bus fares, it will eat up hours every day that you could be spending doing more enjoyable things such as eating pizza, chatting up potential partners or making tile mosaic cheese trays. Renting on your own, even a small studio flat, means the entire cost is on you. You will have privacy—but you may also have loneliness. You’ll be able to cook and eat what you want when you want it—but you’ll also be the sole housekeeper. And there’s nobody in the next room to come with you to investigate that thump in the night on the back porch. Sharing a house or flat is cheaper than being on your own— but sharing comes with its own problems. You won’t have the privacy you might crave; the flatmate(s) might not be compatible and somebody has to be the main tenant, the person responsible to the landlord. The best flatmate will be somebody you already know, and whose endearing foibles aren’t likely to manifest as unbearable character flaws after the first week. A workmate, school friend, maybe even a relative are often the best choices to share a house with. The friendly guy you met at Happy Hour down at Grotty Sam’s bar and grill only last Saturday night probably should not go to the top of your list of candidates. Whoever you end up sharing a house with, make sure you all agree on who does what, so that there aren’t any ugly scenes later on when it turns out nobody thought he or she was supposed to clean the toilet or empty the garbage pail or feed the iguana. (And speaking of pets: don’t. Take a year to learn how to live independently before considering taking on a non-human flatmate—even assuming you live where pets are allowed.) Assuming you’ve decided on the area and have a flatmate or two lined up, it’s time to start house hunting. Are you going to go for a house or an apartment? Furnished or unfurnished? Furnished is convenient, but it’s going to be more expensive. You won’t have a choice of furnishings, and it’s almost guaranteed that the mattress is not going to be either new or comfortable. Having experienced both furnished and unfurnished digs, I’d recommend you go for the latter. Invest in one good thing— the mattress—and get the rest of the things from secondhand stores, op shops, and tip shops. In some suburbs the Lions Club or other service organizations have sheds with good used furniture; in most suburbs at least one church will run an Opportunity Shop, and any town that has a tip usually will have a tip shop filled with useful things people have thrown out but which are too good for landfill. The notice board at your corner store or community center is another good source of affordable used items. Another source of used household goods is your family. Your parents may very well be downsizing, or opting for new things for that condo in Mandurah. Anything they don’t want or need could prove useful to you, and even if you don’t like chintz, a free chair is a free chair. (You can always dye the slipcover.)
THE PERILS OF PLASTIC
Budget isn’t a dirty word, but it might as well be. When my son bought his own place, one of his sisters gave him the best house-warming present ever. She marched him off to the shopping centre and helped him get pay as you go cards for his electricity and telephone and told him to be sure to put a certain amount on the card every pay day. When the bills came in, he had already covered the lion’s share of them. She also advised him to open a savings account and stash 10% there every pay day, which came in very useful when the water heater carked it and he had to get a new one. “Budget” is one of those words that you may think is only for grandmothers. All it means is that you should apportion what you expect to have as income against what you know you’ll have to pay out. The difference between income and outgo ideally is a plus number. Even if it’s only fifty cents every week, keeping hold of more income than you have to pay out will make you feel good, and impress bank or finance company somewhere down the track when you want to buy a house. 16
This is known as the Micawber Principle: Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery. [Charles Dickens] Your credit rating does matter. It’s a serious thing, and it’s very hard to rehabilitate if you damage it. One of the easiest ways to wreck a credit rating is to renege on monthly car payments. No matter how tempting that little red Miata is, do not get into debt you can’t repay just for the pleasure of zipping down the Southwest Highway on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Some years ago a relative bought a car she could not afford and got sucked into an “interest only” loan. When she wanted to sell the car later, it had depreciated quite a bit, but she had not paid off any of the capital value--the $16,999 price tag--except for her initial deposit. She’d only been paying the cost of borrowing the money to buy the car. Thanks to the efforts of her brother-in-law she eventually almost broke even, but it was a hard lesson in money management. Owning a car is a big drain on your budget. There’s the cost of the car, the cost of the petrol to run it, the registration every six or twelve months, the service fees to your garage or dealership unless you have a brother who’s a mechanic who’ll do the service for a slab of beer—and the insurance. Car insurance is a sticky issue for many young car owners. It’s a big expense, and you’ve got Third Party cover with your registration, so why should you bother? Largely because it’s protection for you in case you are involved in an accident and are sued by the other party, or have serious injuries. Third Party Insurance helps the other party. OK, you’ve found an apartment, found a compatible person to share the expenses, decided to forego a car and use your bicycle to get around town, and sorted out your budget. Sooner or later you are going to need—or want—new clothes. Everybody needs a reasonable supply of respectable underwear so that when they end up in the ER after that bus accident their mothers have warned them about they don’t bring shame on the family. The temptation when you see something in a shop window that you just know would look great on you is to rush in and try it on. It is sure to look wonderful, and just as surely you aren’t going to have the $200 in your wallet to buy it. So you put it on your credit card. STOP! If there was ever a guaranteed ticket to financial hell, the ruination of your credit rating, and the certainty of pot noodles every night for a month, the credit card is it. Usually the only way people learn about the dangers of credit cards is to get into a mess and claw their way out of it. (You are not required by law to learn the hard way—but that’s probably what will happen.) A credit card is a tool, and like any tool, it should be used with care. You need to know how any tool works, and the more dangerous the tool, the more you need the knowledge. Credit cards do not exist to make your life easier, more enjoyable or more convenient. They exist to enrich credit card companies. If you never forget that, you may be one of the lucky people who can be trusted to own a credit card and operate it safely. If you put a $200 jacket on your credit card and you pay off the debt before the end of the month, you owe the credit card company nothing (except the annual fee, which may be a surprise.) If you don’t pay off the debt within the time allowed, you will owe $200 plus the interest charged, which can be 15% or more. Say you pay the minimum payment allowed, perhaps $20, off the debt. Next month you will owe $180 plus that month’s interest, plus the original month’s interest...you see where this is going? There are several ways to get that $200 jacket other than outright purchase or credit card. Many shops will do a lay-by, which means you pay a deposit and then make regular payments
until you own the jacket. (Of course they prefer credit cards, but you can usually sweet-talk your way to a lay-by.) Or there’s Afterpay, which may at first blush seem like a dream come true—you get your goods right away and then make three payments after the initial one. So is there a catch? How does the company make its money? Maybe read the fine print. www.help.afterpay.com/hc/en-au/articles/217425866How-does-Afterpay-work-AUS Another way to get good clothes without breaking the budget is checking out the local recycled or consignment clothing shop. You can find some very nice clothes, some of them designer labelled, for a fraction of the original price. Community and church op shops are another source of clothing, but you need to have a good eye to sort the classy items from the “we just cleared out Aunt Em’s closet” goods. (Regular op shoppers advise that if you walk through the door and the place smells stale or unwashed, walk right back out.) An often overlooked method of improving your wardrobe is dye. For about $8 you can buy a packet of fabric dye that will turn a worn-looking scruffy item into something approaching respectable. This takes a bit of work, because not all fabrics can use the same dye—some need a colour-removal pre-treatment, and synthetics take different dye to natural fibres. However, if you have a garment that you really like but fear being taken for a bag lady if you wear it in public, it might be clothing to dye for. (As I write, there is a canary yellow but slightly stained corduroy jacket steeping in forest green Rit in my laundry sink) Useful tip: wear waterproof gloves whenever handling fabric dye...or tinned beets. “Cheap is dear” is one of those grandmother sayings that most of us have heard but never thought about, or perhaps even understood. It begins to make sense when you take that bargain store trendy shirt or jumper out of the dryer and discover a seam has come undone, or the colours have run, or the fabric has ‘pilled’ so it looks as if it had smallpox. Generally speaking, it’s smarter to have three good shirts by a reputable maker than a drawer full of flimsy fly-by-night fake designer models even if they do come in this season’s fab new colour or print. Well, your three weeks are up—the folks have moved into the condo in Mandurah, you’ve found a place to live, the flatmate turns out to know how to make pizza, and so far your work-fromhome website consultancy is managing to pay the rent. Everything else is gravy-- and “how good is gravy?”
17
DINING IN
The Thoughts of an Ageing, Balding Foodie
HOUSE OF DAO
DOUGLAS SUTHERLAND-BRUCE
H
istory is full of examples of really bad timing - the Light Brigade not waiting for further and better instructions; the Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand deciding to stop the car just there, in front of his startled assassin; Napoleon deciding to wait until autumn before invading Russia and so on. Compared to those, deciding to open a restaurant in February of 2020 pales into insignificance, but pretty bad for the owner/operators of said restaurant. Which is exactly what happened to Maria of House of Dao, who have taken over the restaurant opposite the Town Hall where formerly Henry’s Kitchen was, and a number of restaurants before Henry’s. The venue has had a chequered history as far as quality and success go, but I think the House of Dao might be onto a winner. The restaurant was obviously intended as a sit-down with a take-away element. Covid-19 has made this completely untenable, of course and they are now concentrating on the take-away menu. The eatery is billed as a Viet Western Restaurant, offering a largely familiar range of dishes, prepared in a way that won’t challenge your taste buds. Traditionally, Australians have come to expect oriental food prepared a certain way - Westernised rather than authentic. The food we usually order in huge quantities every Friday night from Chinese restaurants is the sort of food prepared for the Emperor’s 100th birthday. Chinese peasants do not eat what we eat. They may eat beef perhaps a few times a year, pork for special occasions, but mostly rice. And a number of dishes we think of as Chinese, such as Chop Suey, are unknown in China. Now House of Dao offer a nice reasonable take-away menu,
Shaking Beef Five Spices
mostly, as I say, familiar. We, as a family, love oriental food, and keen to support local restaurants so we’re ordering in twice a week if we can to help. So we ordered ahead, five main courses (cold left-overs the next day are so delicious) rice and fixings and arranged to pick up at 6:10pm, when we were assured the meal would be ready. Unfortunately, this wasn’t quite ready due to a large
Pork Belly Hot and Spicy - chili, carrot, potato, shallot
unexpected influx and the fact that all the food is prepared fresh - but the short wait was well worth it - the food was delicious when we got it home and shared it out in steaming piles. We ordered King Prawns, Hokkien Noodles with Garlic
18
Satay Chicken - potato, mushroom, shallot, garlic
Butter, Broccoli, Mushroom, Shallots, Onion and Thyme [Large portion] ($24); Satay Chicken [Large portion] ($24); Shaking Beef Five Spices ($24); Pork Belly Xa Xiu with Egg Rice ($16.90); Chicken Teriyaki (14.90) plus some portions of steamed rice. This totalled $107, which for the amount of food was exceptional value for money. The prawns were served with tails on (which I don’t care for), but I do understand that many diners eat them, shells and
Beef Annatto Curry - potato, carrot, shallot, onion
all, which I suppose makes them a bit bisque-y. The flavour was excellent, perfectly cooked and the noodles were exceptional.
Pork Belly Xa Xiu, Rice Noodles, Stir-fry Vegetables
The satay chicken was tasty without being too strongly flavoured, and in fact all the dishes were moderately spiced and probably the best word I could use would be ‘comforting’. The Teriyaki chicken was delicious as was the pork belly, but the real treat was the ‘Shaking Beef’ - a purely Vietnamese recipe (Thit Bo Luc Lac) in which the beef is seared cubed steak sautéed with garlic, onion, butter, and a soy marinade. The beef goes onto a bed of lettuce, watercress, tomato and/or cucumbers, and usually served with an lime-salt-andpepper dipping sauce. The dishes also had something I’ve never eaten in Eastern food before - slices of potato. Delicious, but curious. Overall, a delicious meal and a half and one we shall be ordering again. The menu is necessarily curtailed by the lack of in-house dining and I’m not sure what will be available on any given night. But there is a range of photographs of meals with descriptions and prices and that’s worth browsing by itself. There is a tiny question in my mind and that’s to do with the name - House of Dao, which is either the owner’s surname - Dao is a Vietnamese surname, or it could be the Chinese for ‘the way’ as a philosophical concept. But there’s no question in my mind about the quality of the food or it’s value. The motto of the House of Dao is ‘It’s nice ... it’s right, Gotta love it!’ - seems fair. I haven’t taken photos of our food as it wouldn’t do it justice, so the illustrations are from their Facebook page - the food looks exactly the same, only very much more tidy and better arranged. Very highly recommended.
Pork Belly Egg Rice - ginger, capsicum, Vietnamese vegetables, shallot
Sizzling Beef with Black Bean Sauce 19
FICTION SLAPPING LEATHER
A Celine Davies impossible-crime story JAMES FORTE
C
American rifles and handguns. A number of ladies seemed to be attracted to his exotic western mannerisms – and he took advantage of that fact. This was despite him being married to his long-suffering wife Margaret. It was she who had bought the ten-acre hobby farm, twelve kilometres from York on the Northam road. It was he who had let it run down. It was she who put food on the table from the proceeds of her Northam secondhand bookshop. It was he who pretended to be a great writer, churning out the pulp fiction of cowboy stories. In short, he had a couldn’t-care-less approach to life. He could get violent after a few beers and was known to ‘accidentally’ fire his guns around the farmhouse a couple of times a year. He did not care for his wife Margaret and, despite warnings, continued to charm his way into the boudoirs of other women. He saw himself as a character in the old west – where rules do not apply and the only law is that of the gun. It was only a matter of time before some guy in a white hat took him apart. Three months earlier, Neil had talked Abbie Summers, the president of the local theatre group, into putting on a Western as their next play. He would be able to provide the script and all the required props. He had also suggested she give him a major part. And then offered a moonlight drive to the lookout on Mount Brown. She had said ‘yes’ to the first two. Neil was aware that tonight Abbie would be running the first complete rehearsal and he did not know his lines. Hence the
eline Davies sighed as she surveyed the tattered magazines in her dentist’s waiting room. Reluctantly she pulled the iPad out of her bag and opened the novel which Abbie Summers had sent her. It was Slapping Leather by Neil Wigan. Celine, who had once read Zane Grey’s classic Riders of the Purple Sage, had vowed never to read another Western as long as she lived. She would just read the first page of this one and then send a polite message back to Abbie. She made a mental note to give her e-mail the heading ‘Writers of the Purple Prose’. She ignored the fact that her preferred reading – gothic horror and science fiction – was often of a similar standard. It was just before sundown. The beautiful girl on the boardwalk wore a long blue dress and a terrified face. Her knuckles were pressed to her mouth and she could hardly breathe. Outside the sheriff’s office, the two men leaned forward aggressively. They cast long shadows across the dusty main street towards the saloon. One stood tall. If they were going to put him in a box that night, then at least he’d be wearing a clean shirt. The other, squat and ugly, wore clothes that had never seen a washtub. His gun was holstered on the left. What the ancestry folk call the sinister side. Their hands hovered over their guns. Squat twitched and grabbed at his pistol. Tall started a fraction of a second behind but the two shots sounded as one. Squat had never been particularly smart. If you’re going to get into a gunfight, it’s best you don’t spend the afternoon with a whiskey bottle. His bullet tore a chunk from his opponent’s right leg. The other was steadier, his shot better aimed and it took Squat in the centre of his chest. A forty-five is a real man-stopper. It rips out a lot of tissue and organs. Squat was dead before he touched the ground. Tall slowly collapsed to sit in the dust. In a second the girl was with him. She tore a strip of wash-worn fabric from her petticoat to halt the flow of blood… Celine screwed up her face. She was saved from further torture by the receptionist. The dentist was now ready to see her for her annual checkup. ~oOo~ It was at that precise moment as Celine settled into the dentist’s chair, that the author, Neil Wigan, sat down to breakfast at his farm on the Avon River near York. He was not in a good mood. Neil was well known around York and Northam as a selfopinionated larrikin. Of average height and somewhat overweight, he wore plaid shirts, jeans with a hand-tooled leather belt and cowboy boots. When he went to town, he added a bandanna and a Stetson. Sometimes he added spurs although he had never been on a horse. He owned a large collection of nineteenth century 20
bad mood. He demanded that Margaret stay home from work to help him learn the script. She had stock taking scheduled for that day. He twisted her arm and said she was staying. She punched him on the nose and said ‘no’. With blood pouring down his face, he gave her the back of his hand – which sent her flying onto the sofa. When a handful of tissues failed to stop the bleeding, he lurched off to the bathroom. Margaret cleared away the tissues, grabbed a piece of toast and her carkeys then sped off to work. ~oOo~ Abbie Summers was twenty-two and had been at Duckmanton College a year ahead of Celine. While Celine excelled in mathematics, Abbie was top of the class in drama and theatre studies. In her spare time she set up and became president of the York Medieval and Modern Players. They used a local scout hall for rehearsals. And Abbie had a guilty conscience. Celine was a short introverted wisp of a girl who had been hopeless at sport. At school she would have been barely noticeable to the athletic and extroverted Abbie. But Celine had an exceptional skill: she was rather good at solving impossible puzzles. The most recent concerned a locomotive which had vanished from an observed section of track. Abbie was loaded down with guilt over her minor involvement in the affair. She needed the absolution of the confessional and it had to be Celine to give it. For Celine it was a solved problem and worthy of no further thought. So she was mildly irritated when several weeks after the event, Abigail rang her. It was just after lunch on a Friday and Abbie demanded she accept a meal at the Jacaranda Tearoom.
“Afterwards you could come and see a bit of the play I’m directing,” she pleaded. “Sorry, but no.” “I will send you a copy of a book by our scriptwriter.” Abbie promised. “Thank you. Looking forward to reading it.” Celine politely replied and ended the call. Abbie was not used to taking ‘no’ for an answer. Her guilt was still festering when a few days later she was chatting to Jessica Smith of The Avon Messenger about a possible review of the play. Jessica was a close friend of Celine and, on her third glass of Riesling, had let slip the girl’s infatuation for a certain pilot who lived nearby in Beverley. Ruthlessly, Abbie tracked him down, flattered him to bits and talked him into trying out his acting skills in a minor role. It was just after the dental appointment, that Celine received a second call from Abbie. “Thanks for the book. Loved it. Great author.” Celine lied. “You really must come over to York. That invite for dinner is still open. We can talk about old times. Then come and see a rehearsal of his play.” Abbie gushed. “How about this evening?” “Can’t do. Been given a concert ticket for this evening and they’re playing Brahms.” Abbie played her trump card. “You know one of the men in the cast.” “Really?” Celine was skeptical. “He’s a pilot at Beverly,” Abbie breathed into her phone. There was a long silence. Eventually Celine was compelled to ask: “Which pilot?” “His name’s Arthur. You’d like him.” Celine had long told herself that it was a silly teenage infatuation. That Arthur went out with loads of other girls. But the thought of actually spending time in the same room with him was a fantasy she could not pass up. She loved Brahms, but the orchestra did not have Arthur Robinson on tympani. “I could meet you in the Jacaranda at five.” “Wunderbar.” Abbie hung up. Celine rang Duckmanton College to check if she could get a room for the night. Then she showered and changed into the brighter of her two party dresses. She packed an overnight bag, slung it into the back of the old Peugeot and headed out of town towards York. ~oOo~ The Jacaranda Tearoom is the best patisserie in the Avon Valley. With growing success it had moved from afternoon teas to become a full restaurant - staying open late Thursday through Saturday nights. It provided the two girls with a fine Coq au Vin and a glass each of Chablis. Abbie contritely apologized for her part in the matter of the disappearing train and Celine talked down the involvement and absolved her of any blame. As quickly as was polite, she asked Abbie about the play. It was of a drama based on Jack Schaefer‘s novel Shane. Abbie explained the Western’s simple plot. Wilson was a gunman terrorizing the local farmers when Shane rode into town. Inevitably there was a gunfight to sort out who was right and who was wrong. And who was dead. “I’ve brought forward the first complete rehearsal – so you can see the whole show,” Abbie said. “What part is Arthur playing?” Celine asked. “He’s only just joined us. We’re trying him out as a farmer.” Abbie was clearly pleased with the cast she had assembled. 21
“Neil Wigan is Wilson, the bad guy, the professional gunfighter. Actually he makes a great evil bastard, he’s targeted just about every woman in town… including me. His latest is Trish Riley. Probably cheating on her too.” Celine was startled. “The policewoman?” She knew Trish and thought she ought to be able to do a bit better than pulp fiction writers. “Yeah. You know her? From one of your mystery cases?” Celine nodded. “You’re not setting up some puzzle for me, are you?” Abbie smiled mysteriously but shook her head. “Nah. Neil pushed me into casting her. He wants to take her for drinks after rehearsals. Three times a week. And ‘drinks’ is a euphemism. Anyway she plays the farmer’s wife. Married to Arthur. My sister, Jenny, she’s playing their son. It’s nigh on impossible getting boys onto the stage.” “And Shane?” “Our hero. Played by Steven Gerber. Truck driver. Tall, dark and handsome. Been with us for ages. Plays all our romantic leads.” Abbie slyly added: “You know if Arthur gets a leading role in future plays, I could cast you as his girl. You’d get to hug and kiss him every show!” The suggestion caught Celine by surprise. She turned ripe tomato as she stammered she was quite happy being a maths student in Perth. Abbie guffawed. “Yeah right. Maths!” At six, they moved on to the hall where rehearsals were scheduled. Arthur was pulling on a buckskin jacket when Celine walked in. He was momentarily confused; what was she doing here? He recovered and greeted her. He had never seen her wearing a dress before and had to admit that she looked rather good. He strode over, gave her a hug and asked if she had time for supper afterwards. Abbie introduced Celine to the rest of the cast then found her a chair and a script. A thin old man with grey hair sat down next to her and introduced himself as Percy. He took pleasure in telling people that he was not an actor. Celine discovered that he did everything else. This included stage management, set building, fixing sound and lighting and looking after the props. Percy explained that for this play, they were using real Colt handguns supplied by Neil Wigan. The York police had granted permission knowing that Constable Riley would be present and that Percy would be responsible for keeping them under lock and key in a gun-safe at his house. Obviously no live ammunition would be permitted in the theatre. They would be firing blanks. Celine sat back and watched the preparations. She amused herself by imagining a movie for each one. Steven would make a great Clint Eastwood from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Jenny would be that girl from True Grit – even if she was dressed as a boy. Trish looked nothing like a farmers wife. More Grace Kelly from High Noon. And Arthur - tall and wiry and tanned clearly The Man from Snowy River. Suddenly she realized they were a man short. Abbie also noticed the absence. “Where’s Neil?” She demanded. On cue, Abbie’s mobile rang. Neil’s car battery was flat; he lived on a farm and would not be able to make it to the rehearsal. Abbie looked as if she was about to explode. She took a deep breath. “You’re in all the key scenes. What about Margaret’s car?”
Apparently he had checked with his wife, but she was still at work in Northam. They were stocktaking. A taxi was out of the question. Neil, however, did have a suggestion. “We could use video conferencing – like Skype or Zoom or Facetime – just for tonight. We did it once in a play last year. I’ve got a web-cam here. And a spare gun.” Abbie looked for Percy who had anticipated her. He was already getting a laptop computer from his bag. Clearly Abbie considered it a pain doing rehearsals over a computer video link. But it was better than no rehearsal at all. She would not be able to direct much movement – but they could work on the dialogue. Arthur gave Celine a shrug and a grin. She settled back in her canvas chair to watch the action. ~oOo~ Celine could see Neil Wigan’s study on the laptop. It was a long room lined with books. The door was at the far end, next to a large bookshelf. The two men stood staring at each other from their computer screens – as if they were in some video game. Preparing for their gunfight. Neil had had problems with many of his lines and Celine suspected he had a script propped against the computer screen where the web cam could not see it. And now he could not find
the spare Colt 45 he said he had at home. “I’ve got a Smith and Wesson 38 – I could use that for tonight,” he said. “Whatever.” Abbie, as director, was becoming increasingly irritated. Their hands hovered over their holsters. “I’m waiting, Wilson. Do I have to crowd you into slapping leather?” Shane snarled. The men went for their guns. And Neil, in his farmhouse study, easily won. He fired the blank in his pistol at the web-cam. Then he ad-libbed: “Eat lead, sucker.” Abbie was not amused. “Steven. You’re supposed to win! You need to practice. Neil – slow down your draw. I want the two shots as close together as possible. Try again.” “I’m waiting, Wilson. Do I have to…” Shane snarled again. The man on the screen jumped. “What was that? I thought I heard a noise.” “Oh for heaven’s sake, Neil,” Abbie scolded. Neil went out but soon returned. “There’s no one there. Sorry.” Abbie glared. “Lock the door. Concentrate!” Neil closed the door and locked it. Then he resumed his 22
position, ready to draw his gun. “I’m waiting, Wilson. Do I have to crowd you into slapping leather?” Shane snarled for the third time. The men went for their guns. The two shots sounded as one. And on the computer screen, Wilson fell backwards and lay deathly still. Blood appeared on his chest and slowly dribbled onto the parquetry. Abbie sighed. “Nice acting, Neil. You can get up now.” Wilson still did not move. ~oOo~ They had all shouted at him over the video-link and Celine thought she had heard a groan at one stage. But after a few minutes, it was becoming clear that something was wrong. Neil was not acting. Not playing a prank on them. He looked very, very dead. Celine jumped forward and took a screen snapshot of the scene. “I think somebody should go over to his place.” Senior constable Trish Riley took charge. “Arthur – you and Celine come with me. Percy – lock that gun away. Abbie – get an ambulance over there. Then call Margaret. Steven, Jenny – don’t take your eyes off that screen. Watch for anything moving.” They jumped into Trish’s police car and roared off into the dusk. Halfway along the twelve-kilometre trip, on the gravel track to the Wigan farm they saw the dust cloud from Margaret Wigan’s car joining from the Northam road. As they pulled up by the front door and switched the engine off, they could hear the siren of an ambulance in the distance. Arthur quickly introduced Celine to Margaret as the latter unlocked the door, threw her bag onto the hall table and led the way to the study. It too was locked and they could see the key in the hole on the other side. Arthur glanced at Trish and Margaret who both nodded. One long stride forward and his boot smashed against the door next to the handle. It was pine rather than Jarrah. It splintered and they scrambled through. Neil’s narrow study/writing room was mostly a library. The door was at the far end from the computer and they had a strange inverse view of the room they had been staring at through the video link. Next to the door and along the walls were large bookcases containing many western novels. Flat against the end wall was the desk and computer. Steven and Jenny were on the screen calling out to them. Behind the computer was the only window, too small for anyone to enter and covered with a curtain to reduce daytime glare to the screen. In the centre of the room, lying on the wooden floor was Neil’s body. From the computer came Steven’s voice: “He hasn’t moved at all.” Trish checked for a pulse and answered. “Not good. Still alive,” She started first aid. Celine was already looking for where a bullet might have come from. Could Neil have had a live round in his pistol and it had ricocheted? Arthur went outside to guide the paramedics in. Margaret clearly wanted to hug her husband, but she would just be getting in Trish’s way. She followed the thick line of blood spatter to the bookshelf next to the door. Celine was focused on the computer and desk. They had been pushed back against the end wall. The door had been locked and there was nowhere for anyone to stand without being seen from the web-cam. Above the desk was a curtain covering a window. She pulled aside the curtain but the window was locked and bolted. Further, there was a security fly-screen and grill screwed to the wall from the inside. The wooden floor was solid. The ceiling was an unbroken piece of plasterboard. It was a classic locked room mystery.
Before Celine could examine anything further, Trish shouted: “Hey. This is a crime scene. Don’t touch anything.” Celine and Margaret knelt next to Neil. He was barely breathing. Arthur ushered the paramedics in and then Trish shepherded everyone else out. She leaned in to get a couple of photographs on her phone. Over the video link, the people back at the hall were told to go home. They would be wanted for a statement in the morning. Five minutes later, the ambulance roared off with siren going. Margaret followed in her car. The remaining three retired to the lounge. Trish started taking notes as they waited for Detective Inspector Baird. Celine had no acting skills, but she had little trouble looking shattered by the evening’s events. To the point where Arthur sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. She snuggled in. Baird had become accustomed to having Celine involved in his cases. She generally turned up after a few days and corrected the course of his investigation. At first he had resented having a teenage girl watching over his shoulder. Eventually he had become accustomed to it. However he had never found her present at the scene before him. “What are you doing here?” “I never wanted to be here. I’m supposed to be watching a play rehearsal.” “Did you see Neil Wigan shot?” Baird asked. “It was horrible,” Celine whispered. “Not in your job-description, eh?” Baird grunted. Arthur stood up for her. “She doesn’t have a job description!” Then he laughed. “She’s a mathematician.” As if that explained everything. They described the incident as best they could. The forensic team went to work. Neil’s Smith and Wesson revolver was on the floor where he had dropped it. It contained only blanks. The bullet that had gone through him had come from the direction of the computer. Following the blood trail they found the bullet embedded in a novel on the bookcase by the door. It was a leather-bound volume, a classic western, The Virginian. Baird squatted in front of it and looked at where Arthur told him Neil’s chest would have been. Continuing in a straight line, the bullet must have come from the computer screen. Trish drove Celine and Arthur back to York. Everyone had gone home. Arthur took Celine to a hotel for a port and lemon before escorting her to Duckmanton. There was no way she could invite him into a girl’s college late at night. Fortunately he was receptive to an invitation to breakfast at the Jacaranda for the next day. “Can’t wait to see what solution you come up with this time,” he joked as he drove away. ~oOo~ Jessica Smith, the only full-time journalist on the staff of The Avon Messenger, had an excellent intelligence network alerting her to possible stories. There had been a shooting last night and Celine had been staying at Duckmanton College. She passed the information on to Douglas, her editor, and then went hunting. She knew exactly where Celine would be and headed for the Jacaranda Tearoom. An obscene word flickered through Celine’s mind as she saw her chance of a tête à tête with Arthur disappearing. On the other hand, she was fairly sure that it had been Jessica who had blabbed to Abbie of her feelings for Arthur. And she had never spent so much time in his company before. She owed her. Arthur showed up a few minutes later and together they related the story to Jessica. “So let me get this straight,” she summarized. “Neil Wigan was alone in a locked room in a locked house when he was shot 23
while rehearsing a gunfight? With everyone watching?” “Impossible, but correct,” Arthur acknowledged. “Bit more than that.” Baird joined them. He also knew where to find Celine at breakfast time. Celine bit her lip. All she wanted was a bit of private time with the Man from Snowy River. She was getting a cast of thousands. “What d’you mean?” Baird shrugged. He was facing yet another impossible situation. “Neil Wigan has regained conciousness. He says the bullet definitely came from the computer screen.” Arthur was the first to state the obvious. “Even more impossible.” “And…” Baird continued. “The bullet that shot him ended up embedded in a book on his bookshelf.” “We saw the blood splatter.” Celine confirmed. “So,” Baird continued, “We dug the bullet out. It was a 45. Neil had a 38. So we did some preliminary tests on the two guns involved. We’re certain the bullet came from the gun fired by Shane. By Steven Gerber.” “That’s simply not possible,” Arthur repeated. “He fired a blank at the web cam.” Baird nodded. “We’re doing more tests. But I’m sure it’s correct.” Jessica was taking notes. “So we have a second impossibility. Neil, on his farm, was shot by someone at York – over an internet connection?” There was no answer to that. “Another thing,” Baird added. “There are traces of fresh blood at the table in the kitchen and in the bathroom. We’re pretty sure they are Neil’s.” He smiled at their consternation. “I know what you’re thinking. There’s no way they could have got through the locked door of the study after he was shot.” “Another impossibility?” from Jessica. “Nah. We solved that one. Margaret told us. Wigan got violent with her over breakfast so she whacked him on the nose. Before heading off to work.” “Any other motives for shooting Neil?” Arthur broke the silence. “Apart from being the bad guy in the play?” Jessica was able to answer that. “He put himself about a bit. Don’t know how Margaret put up with him. Apart from knocking her about. He and Trish Riley were shacking up together. There are rumours that he was dumping Trish for someone else. Apparently Steven’s wife.” “Margaret Wigan and Trish Riley and Steven Gerber,” Arthur summarized. “And half the female population of York and Northam – and their husbands,” Jessica added. It was clear that no one liked Neil very much. He was well cast as the villain. Celine laughed. “When it first happened, when we saw him shot on the computer screen, I thought Abbie had set something up… Just to test me. To get at me. She’s still feeling sore about me solving that thing about the missing loco.” “They’ve all got solid alibis. Margaret Wigan was with her sister – stock taking at her bookshop in Northam - when Abbie Summers rang her with the news.” Baird confided. Celine looked up. “Do you accept sisters as a source of an alibi?” Baird grinned. “Not always. But in this case, she’d been on her phone to someone in Perth. And the phone records show the call was made from Northam.” Celine grinned back. “You’ve been busy. Trish and Steven have alibis too. They were with us – watching the computer screen.” Arthur agreed. “But Trish does have a key to the gun safe.” Then he shrugged. “Not that that means much. We’ve
all helped Percy put the guns away from time to time. We were all trustworthy. And we’ve all got alibis. We were in the hall rehearsing.” At that moment, Baird’s phone rang. He listened for a moment and then put it away. “Bad news. Neil Wigan has died. And we have more test results. The path of the bullet lines up with the entry and exit points on his body as described by you witnesses. The bullet matches the wound. And the track of the splatters goes up to and into the book. And that bullet most definitely came from Steven’s gun. It’s all totally consistent.” ~oOo~ When Baird and Jessica had gone, Celine and Arthur settled down to brunch. Their conversation kept going round and round. To Celine, this puzzle was personal. She had never been included in a list of suspects before. Even if she did have an alibi. And no motive – other than a dislike for his novels. Neil had been in a sealed locked room when he was shot in front of seven witnesses. There was no possibility that anyone could have been in the room without being seen by the computer’s camera. The room had been under constant observation until the door was broken down – nothing moved, no one entered or left. The only gun in the room was Neil’s and that had been loaded with blanks and was pointing at the computer when he was shot. The victim said the bullet had come from the computer screen. The entry and exit positions of the wound confirmed it. Perhaps he had been shot earlier and they had all been watching some pre-recorded video from his computer? This was a nonsense. They had been interacting with Neil and had repeated the gunfight several times. Perhaps his live image had been produced by some artificial intelligence? This was also 24
dismissed. The AI system did not exist which could simulate all the stupidities that Neil had exhibited in trying to remember his script lines. The murder weapon was twelve kilometres away and loaded with blanks. Bullets do not travel down computer wires. “So what do we do now?” Arthur asked. His use of the word ‘we’ sent a tingle down her spine. “We bloody well solve it!” Celine replied. “Let me show you my logic notation.” She went to the back of the tearoom and ‘borrowed’ half a dozen sheets of paper from the computer printer there. Then she ordered a couple of freshly squeezed fruit juices and set to work. Celine scrawled a dozen equations with strange symbols across the pages. “I invented this notation – although I later found out that most of it was done better in temporal logic.” Arthur put on his most serious face and said: “Of course you did.” “These equations represent the events as we know them. They each have an impossibility. In other words they are flawed. The events are not impossible – they happened. It’s like a magic trick. Somehow we were deceived.” “Agreed.” “So we take each element in the equations and relax it. Consider it to be wrong. Does it make the event possible? There’s a whole chunk of maths called relaxation methods.” “I knew that.” Arthur added facetiously. Celine scowled. She was being mocked. Immediately Arthur looked apologetic. He reached over and touched her hand. “I’ve seen you solve these problems before. Remember?” Celine felt tingly again. “After we’ve identified the potentially flawed elements, we test them. She jabbed at the lines of symbols. There! And there! And there! We need to talk to the Inspector. Then Percy. Then go out to the farm.” Celine called Baird who was on his way back to his office in Northam. “What can you tell me about Margaret’s sister?” Baird was cautious. “Molly? She’s single. Bright. Works in a computer consultancy.” He thought for a minute then added: “Don’t think she knows how to make bullets go down computer wires, though.” Celine smiled. “But she might know how to fudge telephone records?” “I will give Margaret’s alibi another check. She’s staying with Molly at the moment. Thanks.” “Another thing, Inspector. How many guns did Neil Wigan have at the farm?” “Interesting you should ask. We’ve just done an audit of his gun register. There are a few discrepancies. He had a pretty casual attitude towards guns and ammunition.” Baird rang off. They signaled to the waitress – who, from long experience, knew it was useless giving the bill to Celine. She never had any money. Arthur knew it too and reached for his wallet. Percy was at home. He did not think he could be of much assistance. Abbie had cancelled the play. The police had seized all the guns, including the Colt used by Shane. Trish Riley had been put on the type of police duties which would keep her well clear of the investigation. However, Celine wanted his laptop
and a magnifying glass. She spent some time scrutinizing the screen shot picture of Neil’s study that she had taken just after the shooting. She asked Percy to e-mail copies to Baird and herself. Then she led Arthur to her Peugeot. Arthur took one look at it and refused to get in. “How old is it?” “Twenty years. Good for another twenty. Gets regular maintenance.” “How often?” Celine prevaricated. “It’s expensive. I have to alternate it with my dental checkups.” Arthur took her by the arm. “My new Holden is just round the corner.” As they drove out to the Wigan farm, Celine was scrutinizing the sides of the road. “We didn’t see any other traffic last night. If there was a killer coming from the farm, then he – or she – might have hidden in the bush somewhere.” She pointed out an overgrown track near the point where the Wigan’s gravel driveway met the Northam-York road. “It would’ve been easy for someone to wait there, with their lights off, until we came screaming past. Then get away.” At the farm, a police car was parked at the front door – with a young uniformed constable keeping watch. Celine gave him a wave and headed for the front door. The cop quickly blocked her way and radioed to Inspector Baird. The instructions which came back were explicit. Celine and Arthur were not to be allowed inside the house. They were witnesses to the shooting and they had been in the party which smashed its way into Neil’s study. They were on Baird’s list of suspects. Celine gave the young man her biggest, friendliest, ‘be nice to policemen’ smile. “But you don’t mind if we look around the outside?” He was clearly loath to call the Inspector again. “I guess that should be OK.” Celine and Arthur followed a brick path around the house peering in at the windows. There was another computer, presumably Margaret’s, and a printer in a back room. The curtains of the study had been pulled open so that they had a good view of the whole room. Independently they examined every inch of the walls and windows for holes through which a gun might have been fired. There were none. Arthur shrugged. “The police have searched the place. There was no gun in the room. Other than Neil’s. Which was the wrong caliber. And was pointing at the computer when he was shot. We know the gun that killed him could not have been in the room. Or anywhere here. It was twelve kilometres away.” Celine shook her head. “I don’t know what the range of a Colt is but the gun that killed him had to be here somewhere.” They moved on to other elements of Celine’s equations. She spent some time staring at the bookcase at the far end of the room by the door. “Can you see the titles of those books?” Arthur had a pair of binoculars in his car. The top rows of the bookshelves were filled with DVDs of Western films. Celine could see that they were neatly sorted by title. Below them were five shelves of books. Again all Westerns, sorted 25
by author. There was a gap at the end of the blood trail from were Neil had fallen. Baird had removed the book for forensic analysis. “Now that’s interesting,” she murmured. “Can you write down some colours for me please? Blue, blue, red, gap, cream, green, red.” “What about them?” Celine scanned the collection through the binoculars. “There’s something weird. The gap on the bookshelf is at the end of the blood trail but somehow it looks wrong. Won’t know what ’till we get back to town.” She hesitated. “You ever heard of The Searchers – a film?” “Think so. Directed by John Ford. With John Wayne?” “There’s a DVD of it on the right, two shelves down. I’m sure it was based on a book. A classic. By Le May. But the book’s not there. Anywhere.” Arthur looked skeptical. “So it’s his current bedtime reading. On a table in the bedroom.” Neil’s computer and web cam had been removed by the police for examination. Arthur pointed out that the power lead and a blue internet cable had been yanked out of the back of the machine and were still there. They were hanging by their plugs from the power and internet wall plates just below the window. On the outside, more blue co-axial cable emerged from the wall, protected by a white PVC pipe down to a new concrete junction box next to the path, “That the cable the bullet is supposed to have traveled down?” Arthur asked with a laugh. “Yup.” Arthur was pretty sure he knew what she was thinking. “That conduit for the co-axial cable is right behind where the computer was. As you’d expect.” “Yup.” “So we’ve just spent ages looking for any holes in the walls or floor or ceiling. We’ve just found one,” he added. “Yup.” “Except it can’t be where the gun was fired. It’s blocked. It’s covered by the plate on the wall with the plug. It’s full of co-ax cable. There’s no room for a bullet to pass through. And anyway, the video conferencing wouldn’t have worked without the cable. And it most certainly did work. We saw Neil shot.” “Yup,” Celine was clearly absorbed in something. Arthur pressed on. “Unless something has been rearranged since the shooting. But when I kicked the door down, there was only one person came up this end of the room before it was sealed by Trish.” A final “Yup”. There was a pause, then: “Me. But all I moved were the curtains.” There was an even longer pause before she asked: “What was the book that had the bullet embedded in it?” “I think it was called The Virginian, Arthur answered. “What colour was it?” “Sort of a brown leathery colour.” All the way back to York, Celine was silent, staring at her pages of equations. Finally as they entered the Jacaranda Tearoom she pulled out her iPad and checked her messages. “Will you buy me tea and cakes? Please?” “Only if you’ll tell me what you’ve found out.” Celine showed him the iPad screen. “Percy has sent me the screenshot I took of the study - straight after the shooting. Look! We have a solution!” ~oOo~
begging him to take her to a concert. That had failed dismally. Now she was asking him about flying and hanging breathless on every word of his tales.” “Celine worked it out?” Jessica asked Arthur. Arthur nodded. “She’s amazing. She’s convinced me. She’s been waiting for the Inspector to give the details.” Jessica smiled. “Hercule Poirot assembles all the suspects in the library for his explanation. Celine hates talking to people. But she loves the Jacaranda.” Baird entered and sat down. His face said: ‘déjà vu’. His mouth said: “OK – who do I arrest?” Jessica switched her recorder on. Celine had a sip of tea. “There are loads of people who hated Neil. Maybe two people acting together. Some of the suspects were at the rehearsal. So they’re in the clear as shooters – but maybe not as helpers. One major suspect is Margaret Wigan. She had a motive and loads of opportunities to kill him. On the day he died, she punched him in the face. But for the time he died she has an alibi of being in her shop in Northam.” “I’ve checked. The alibi holds true.” Baird confirmed. “She telephoned a book dealer in Perth. I’ve spoken to him. He knows her voice.” Celine didn’t contradict him. She merely said: “Let’s add her alibi to the list of impossibilities: One. How could Margaret be shooting Neil at the farm and be in Northam at the same time? Two. Neil was alone in a locked study in a locked house when he was shot. There are no holes or trapdoors in floor or ceiling. The windows were locked; the security screens were screwed shut. There were no holes in glass or
After Celine’s phone call, Inspector Baird must have broken a land-speed record getting from Northam to York. But Jessica’s spy network was faster and she beat him by two minutes. Celine had spent the time explaining Brahms to Arthur and 26
fly-screen. The door was locked with the key in the lock on the inside. Margaret had a key, but there was no way she could insert it into the lock to open the door. It had to be kicked down. Three. The only gun in the room was Neil’s Smith and Wesson 38 and that was pointed at the computer screen when he was shot with a 45 bullet. There was no other gun. Margaret, Trish, Arthur and I had no opportunity to smuggle a gun out afterwards. There were no weird devices that could shoot a bullet at him. We would have seen them over the video link or found them when we broke in. Four. The bullet that killed Neil was, without doubt, from the Colt being fired by Steven twelve kilometres away - a gun that had been safety checked by Percy and contained only blanks.” Around the table, they all muttered their agreement. Celine continued. “There were however a number of interesting facts. First. Margaret’s sister Molly is a home computing expert. Second. Neil was notoriously lax with his guns. In fact a pistol is currently missing from his gun register. He was known to occasionally shoot a gun within the house while practicing his quick-draw. Three. A plastic conduit, holding the internet co-ax cable, is pointing from outside the study to where Neil was standing and then on in a straight line to where the book with the embedded bullet was found. Four. There was Margaret’s computer and a printer in the back room. But no printer cable going from Neil’s computer in the study. Therefore it had to be on WiFi. Five. My screenshot straight after the shooting shows the blood trail going up to a black covered book – probably a copy of The Searchers by Alan Le May. A classic. Neil had the DVD of the John Ford film. The book had been shelved between collections of Louis L’Amour and Elmore Leonard. But the book that the forensic team took from that position at the end of the blood trail was another classic with a leathery brown cover. It was The Virginian by Owen Wister. It had a Colt 45 bullet in it together with Neil’s blood. Arthur and I checked the colours of the books on the shelf on either side of the gap. Six. After we broke the door down, Trish was giving first aid to Neil, Arthur was going outside to guide the ambulance people in, I was exploring the desk and computer – trying to work out where the bullet came from, and Margaret… After checking her husband, Margaret followed the blood trail to the book shelves. She had her back to the web cam. Jenny and Steven were mainly watching Trish, but they would not have been able to see Margaret swapping books around. Which would have taken just a second.” “So, putting all this together…” said Arthur helpfully. Celine poured herself another cup of tea. “This is what I think happened: Some time back, Neil put a bullet into one of his books – one of his gun-slinging moments. This gave Margaret her idea. She wanted to shoot him. She would do it with a gun she could not possibly have been holding. If Neil had not already shot The Virginian then Margaret waited until one day he went to town and did it herself with one of the Colts from the gun safe. She recruited her sister Molly to help. Neil’s computer was on WiFi so they drilled a hole and put a dummy internet
connection through the wall. It was aimed at where Neil would be sitting at his computer. It had a plate with a plug covering the hole but I think that could be moved with a wire. Inspector, you will need to check that. Neil was targeting Trish and he talked Abbie into putting on Shane with Trish as the farmer’s wife and himself as the gunman – so they could go off together after rehearsals. This was good for Margaret because the Colt pistol which had been fired into The Virginian went off as a theatre prop. She took another. Yesterday, Abbie invited me to see the show. So she wanted a full rehearsal. Problem was, Neil had not got around to learning his lines. And he took his anger out on Margaret. She decided that today was the day. After she thumped him she had loads of tissues covered in his blood. Fresh blood she was able to smear inside the bullet hole in The Virginian. On her way to work, she turned Neil’s car’s headlights on so that his battery would be flat. When he rang demanding a lift, she suggested the video linkup – which had been done once before. Something else that needs checking. At the shop, Molly and Margaret connected two mobiles. There are a couple of ways you can do this. Probably the easiest is using Bluetooth. Now Margaret could call into one of those phones and her voice would be passed on via the other phone. Margaret could call from her car and it would appear she was calling from her mobile phone which was in Northam. Molly said she was stocktaking. Margaret’s phone records said she was at her bookshop. She was at the farm. She opened the conduit and removed the dummy blue cables. She could look through and see that Neil was standing exactly where she wanted him – where she had pointed the web cam. She must have made a noise because Neil checked the house and locked the doors. She may have been looking from the dark into the brightly lit study through the curtains. She heard Shane’s voice over the computer and fired the Colt through the conduit. Her bullet went through Neil and ended up in The Searchers. Then she replaced the plate and wire in the conduit so that all looked normal. Then Margaret drove to the old track near where the drive meets the main road and waited. Molly would have rung with the news from Abbie that Neil had been shot. I think she may have buried her Colt there. Please check. When Trish’s police car roared past, she started up after us as if she were coming from Northam. She let us in. Gave permission for Arthur to kick the door down. In the frantic chaos that followed, she pushed out the back whatever book had been hit by her bullet and substituted The Virginian from just along the shelf. Shooting Neil with his own gun… in front of his current lover... and watching her failing to revive him… They were all a bonus for Margaret.” Arthur and Jessica started clapping. Celine stood up and took a mock bow. “I have a few things to check – before we start having a little chat with Margaret Wigan.” Inspector Baird headed for the door. “I have a few things to write,” said Jessica as she headed for the door. Then she turned around and put her face close to Arthur’s. “I think she’s earned a night out. Don’t you?” Then with a wave she headed for the offices of The Avon Messenger to see her editor. With Celine going red again, Arthur leaned towards her. “You really think I might like this Brahms bloke?” Celine beamed. “There’s one of his symphonies on at the Concert Hall. Saturday.” ~The End~ 27
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ART AND LEISURE MIDLAND JUNCTION ARTS CENTRE
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ooking to unwind with a creative activity or learn a new skill? Midland Junction Arts Centre is now running online workshops creative skills that everyone can enjoy. Learn how to start an oil painting, embroider wildflowers, create your own printed fabric and books and much more! Every Thursday afternoon in June and July you can celebrate the creativity and floral diversity of our state in a series of online embroidery workshops with West Australian textile artists such as Susie Vickery and Angela Ferrola. S uitable for both beginners and experienced stitchers, each week you’ll experiment with different stitching techniques through the approach of each artist and learn about their practice. Join local artist Harrison See on Saturday 6 June for a live stream from his studio as he starts an original oil painting. Perfect for beginners, you’ll tour Harrison’s studio, learn about his chosen tools, paints and mediums and see works in progress before observing Harrison’s unique approach to a blank canvas. Learn to digitise and manipulate your artwork to create a textile print with Claire Eden at your own pace with a series of downloadable instructional videos available now. You’ll be introduced to free smartphone software to turn your drawings, paintings and collages into repeat patterns for high quality textile prints. Make a sophisticated notebook or sketchbook with materials you already have at home on 10 June with Phoebe Todd-Parrish. You’ll learn a variety of binding and stitching techniques to make your own personalised books perfect for yourself or gifts. You can also find handcrafted gifts made by professional artists in the arts centre’s new online store. Full of locally designed and crafted wares, the store features a range jewellery, scarves, linen, cards, books, artworks and more from Western Australian artists and makers. Shop online from the comfort of your home, and get items delivered to your door or opt in for click and collect. By signing up for a workshop or purchasing a gift from the online shop you are helping to support both your local
community arts centre and Western Australian artists during this time of uncertainty. Visit www.midlandjunctionartscentre.com.au to book in for a workshop or browse the shop.
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TV WITH CHRIS MAY 2020 AUTUMN TV PREVIEW
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he past several weeks and months have been challenging to say the least. People around the world have been challenged to ‘flatten the curve’ as the deadly coronavirus affects daily lives, routines. One way in which Australians have been responding to this call to action is the simplest. Staying at home and limiting interactions with others to help slow the spread. designs which may get your creative juices flowing and have you diving into your garages for spare parts and amazing finds.
Expect searing drama, high quality performances and music that will drive the plot like nothing you’ve seen before. After all, this is what Chazelle does best!
Title: HOLLYWOOD Media: Netflix This glitzy and glamourous new series from Glee and American Horror Story creator is set to get plenty of tongues wagging. It is a glorious looking show which follows a group of aspiring creatives in post WWII Hollywood. The fact that, much like Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, the series blurs the lines between fact and fiction and portrays the true nature of trying to make it ‘big’ in the business gives it a fresh feel. With a stellar cast including Darren Criss, Jim Parsons and Patti LuPone, Hollywood is daring and highly entertaining.
Watch if you liked: La La Land, Whiplash or Defending Jacob ~oOo~
Watch if you liked: The Politician, Glee or American Horror Story ~oOo~ Title: THE EDDY Media: Netflix From Damien Chazelle, the director of La La Land and Whiplash and Jack Thorne, the playright behind Harry Potter and the Cursed Child comes the Parisian set, jazz-fuelled drama The Eddy. Centred around a Paris Jazz venue this part musical, part drama has been highly anticipated since the pairing of Chazelle and Thorne was announced.
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Title: SPACE FORCE Media: Netflix The creators of The Office re-team for a comedy that is out of this world…literally. With the American version of the hit UK sitcom becoming a cult classic, the excitement for this next venture is off the charts. It is set to follow General Mark R. Naird (Steve Carrell) and his team as the sixth arm of the armed forces is launched, the Space Force! Expect a razor sharp script, intelligent comedy which will combine for a very high quality series. Watch if you liked: The Office, Ramy or Upload ~oOo~ Title: UPLOAD Media: Prime Office co-creator Greg Daniels has been busy lately with another ace up his sleeve in the form of Prime’s Upload. Exploring the world of virtual reality, this innovative series follows a man who is able to choose his own afterlife after his death. Much in the same way as last year’s Netflix Original Maniac, this is set to be a re-invention of the science fiction genre, paving the way for new original storylines and set ups. Watch if you liked: Maniac, Altered Carbon or The Good Place ~oOo~ Title: PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS Media: Stan Another series that is aesthetically glorious. Starring Nathan Lane and Natalie Dormer, this 1938 set thriller explores crime in Los Angeles. Against the violent backdrop, the history of the city is put under the microscope and demons are uncovered in a way never before seen. Eerie, dark and captivating, this is one not to be missed!
Watch if you liked: Penny Dreadful, Gangs of London or The Plot Against America
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FLINDERS UNIVERSITY FISH REVEALS HAND An ancient fish fossil reveals evolutionary origin of the human hand n ancient Elpistostege fish fossil found in Miguasha, Canada has revealed new insights into how the human hand evolved from fish fins. An international team of palaeontologists from Flinders University in Australia and Universite du Quebec a Rimouski in Canada have revealed the fish specimen, as described in the journal Nature, has yielded the missing evolutionary link in the fish to tetrapod transition, as fish began to foray in habitats such as shallow water and land during the Late Devonian period millions of years ago. This complete 1.57 metre long fish shows the complete arm (pectoral fin) skeleton for the first time in any elpistostegalian fish. Using high energy CT-scans, the skeleton of the pectoral fin revealed the presence of a humerus (arm), radius and ulna (forearm), rows of carpus (wrist) and phalanges organized in digits (fingers). “Today we announce in the journal Nature our discovery of a complete specimen of a tetrapod-like fish, called Elpistostege, which reveals extraordinary new information about the evolution of the vertebrate hand,” says Strategic Professor in Palaeontology at Flinders University Professor John Long. “This is the first time that we have unequivocally discovered fingers locked in a fin with fin-rays in any known fish. The articulating digits in the fin are like the finger bones found in the hands of most animals.” “This finding pushes back the origin of digits in vertebrates to the fish level, and tells us that the patterning for the vertebrate hand was first developed deep in evolution, just before fishes left the water.” The evolution of fishes into tetrapods - four-legged vertebrates of which humans belong - was one of the most significant events in the history of life. Vertebrates (back-boned animals) were then able to leave the water and conquer land. In order to complete this transitionone of the most significant changes was the evolution of hands and feet. In order to understand the evolution from a fish fin to a tetrapod limb, palaeontologists study the fossils of lobefinned fish and tetrapods from the Middle and Upper Devonian (393–359 million years ago) known as ‘elpistostegalians’. These include the well-known Tiktaalik from Arctic Canada, known only from incomplete specimens. Co-author Richard Cloutier from Universite du Quebec a Rimouski says over the past decade, fossils informing the fish-to-tetrapod transition have helped to better understand anatomical transformations associated with breathing, hearing, and feeding, as the habitat changed from water to land on Earth. “The origin of digits relates to developing the capability for the fish to support its weight in shallow water or for short trips out on land. The increased number of small bones in the fin allows more planes of flexibility to spread out its weight through the fin. “ “The other features the study revealed concerning the structure of the upper arm bone or humerus, which also shows features present that are shared with early amphibians. Elpistostege is not necessarily our ancestor, but it is closest we can get to a true ‘transitional fossil’, an intermediate between
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Professor John Long and the Elpistostege fish fossil
fishes and tetrapods.” Elpistostege was the largest predator living in a shallow marine to estuarine habitat of Quebec about 380 million years ago. It had powerful sharp fangs in its mouth so could have fed upon several of the larger extinct lobe-finned fishes found fossilised in the same deposits. Elpistostege was originally named from just a small part of the skull roof, found in the fossiliferous cliffs of Miguasha National Park, Quebec, and described in 1938 as belonging to an early tetrapod. Another part of the skull of this enigmatic beast was found and described in 1985, demonstrating it was really an advanced lobe-finned fish. The remarkable new complete specimen of Elpistostege was discovered in 2010. Prof Mike Lee analysed the phylogenetic data to demonstrate that Elpistostege is now the most evolutionary ‘advanced’ fish known, one node down on the evolutionary tree to all tetrapods. The research was completed in 2019 when Prof Richard Cloutier spent six months on sabbatical working as a Flinders University Visiting International Fellow. This study was funded by a Research Laboratory in Palaeontology and Evolutionary Biology at UQAR (Power Corporation Inc.). We thank the Parc national de Miguasha (MHNM) for the loan of the specimen and the special opportunity to work on this material. 33
FILM REVIEW Title: Director: Reviewer:
Hearts and Bones Ben Lawrence James Forte
Multiculturalism on show an Fisher is an Australian war photographer who has seen too much horror and been hit by just a few too many explosions. He is suffering from PTSD. Hearts and Bones opens in January 2018 with Dan being driven at night down a lonely track in Iraq. In the headlights is a stationary car with all its doors open. It contains the bodies of a man and a woman. Shot because their religion or politics did not agree with those of the thugs in whatever area they are passing through. Hiding nearby is the young daughter of the couple. Dan tries to help her but she runs off – into a minefield. He tries to coax her out but… There, in the first five minutes of the film, is a complete illustration of Dan’s life. He returns to a somewhat seedy inner-western Sydney suburb. A selection of pictures from his long career is about to be shown in a major exhibition. He is interviewed on ABC radio by (Fran Kelly playing) Fran Kelly and this is heard by a refugee
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from the South Sudan named Sebastian Ahmed – now building a new life for his family and driving taxis. Sebastian knows that some of the images are of his African village during a massacre - and he does not want them on show. He contacts Dan. Hugo Weaving, as Dan, gives a performance which should be guaranteed to win awards. Sebastian is played brilliantly by newcomer Andrew Luri. There are moving performances from their (pregnant) partners too – played respectively by Hayley McElhinney and Bolude Watson. As an aside, there is an abundance of hand-held camera work – designed to bring viewers more intimately into the story. Ben Lawrence has written and directed a film designed to explore the complexity of background and feelings brought to Australia by its refugee migrants. It succeeds brilliantly in depicting the ambiguity of wartime incidents. It also provides some insights into PTSD. We are all familiar with its message: When meeting someone, you never know what horrors they have gone through – maybe still going through. (Note – the morally complex themes in this film make it unsuitable for children. There is a completely nude sex scene and some violence as well.) Hearts and Bones was to be given a major cinema premiere by Madman Entertainment. But the Covid-19 pandemic put a stop to that. It is now being released on May 6th via major video-on-demand services such as iTunes, Google Play, Fetch TV. This is a fine example of what the Australian film industry can achieve. Recommended - four stars. 34
COMMUNITY THANK YOU Thankyou letter from RSLWA State President Peter Aspinall, AM
Hello everybody, Now that ANZAC Day is behind us and COVID-19 socialdistancing restrictions have been eased, I’d like to say how humbled I am as your President at the incredible support and respect shown by the people of Western Australia. The coming together, yet apart, for the #DrivewayDawnService was truly inspirational - and the sheer numbers that turned out places RSLWA in good stead as we now begin to plan for ANZAC Day 2021 and onwards. As you know, our traditional ANZAC Day commemorations such as the Kings Park Dawn Service, the march through the CBD and Commemorative Service at the Concert Hall were cancelled, in line with advice from the State Government. And yet, both the community and WA’s leaders took this year’s ANZAC Day theme, Embracing The Spirit Of Mateship, to heart. Thousands of people across the state and even overseas stood vigil in driveways, on balconies and at farm gates in solemn commemoration, together yet apart. Our efforts to continue to honour the fallen, those who served and those who continue to serve in these unique times were a resounding success and, quite frankly, your support of the #DrivewayDawnService blew us away. Let me personally thank a few individuals who helped make this happen:
Firstly, to the Honourable Kim Beazley AC, Governor of WA we thank you. Your willingness to take part in our communityservice videos and pre-recorded ANZAC Day special was greatly appreciated, as was that of the Minister for Defence, Senator the Hon Linda Reynolds. And special thanks goes to our WA Premier Mark McGowan, himself a Veteran, who got right behind our ANZAC Day campaign in so many ways. To the Veterans who agreed to be filmed and interviewed for these videos; those featured in our mateship articles and to those who stepped up to help with the many media requests for talent, RSLWA thanks you all. To all those men, women, boys and girls who gave up their time to perform special #DrivewayDawnService renditions of The Last Post and Reveille, we thank you. To the Veterans who turned out and stood in silent vigil at 6am, we are especially proud of you – particularly our older Veterans, many of whom were resolutely determined to rise from their beds to honour their fallen mates. And to those who checked in on their own mates, many of whom did it especially tough on this day, we thank you.
To the many who dug deep in these very tough financial times to support our ANZAC Appeal, we are humbled by your gratitude. Last but certainly not least, we salute you, the community of Western Australia, for rallying as one to support our Veterans and serving men and women on what proved to be a very special, unique and memorable ANZAC Day. Yours respectfully, Peter Aspinall
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FOOTNOTE PEOPLE IN HISTORY CAPTAIN TOM MOORE (1920 - )
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homas Moore (born 30 April 1920), popularly known as Captain Tom, is a former British Army officer known for his achievements raising money for charity in the run-up to his 100th birthday during the COVID-19 pandemic. A scion of the Irish baronet family and kinsman of the Earl of Drogheda, Moore was born at Keighley, in Yorkshire and grew up in the town. Moore was educated at Keighley Grammar School and completed an apprenticeship in civil engineering. When the Second World War began Moore enlisted in the 8th Battalion, Duke of Wellington’s Regiment (8 DWR). He was selected for officer training in 1940 and attended an Officer Cadet Training Unit before being commissioned as a second lieutenant in June 1941. In October 1941, the 8 DWR became an armoured unit designated as the 145th Regiment Royal Armoured Corps. Later, Moore was transferred to the 9th Battalion (9 DWR) in India, which had also been redesignated as the 146th Regiment Royal Armoured Corps. His regiment were equipped with M3 Lee tanks and participated in the Battle of Ramree Island. He was promoted to war-substantive lieutenant in 1942 and to temporary captain in October 1944. He served in Arakan in western Burma and afterward in Sumatra after the Japanese surrender, by which time he had risen to the rank of Captain. On his return to Britain, he served as an instructor at the Armoured Fighting Vehicle School at Bovington Camp, Dorset. After leaving the army, he worked as managing director of a company manufacturing concrete and for sixty-four years, he organised the Duke of Wellington’s Regiment’s annual reunion. Moore raced motorcycles competitively, wearing the number 23. He rode a Scott motorcycle, winning several trophies. Moore married Pamela in 1968, and they had two daughters, Lucy and Hannah. Pamela died in 2006. Moore has lived with Hannah, her husband, and two grandchildren, in Marston Moretaine, Bedfordshire, since 2008. In 2018, at the age of 98, he received treatment from the NHS for skin cancer and, separately, a broken hip and other serious injuries, following a fall. He has also had a hip replacement and two knee replacements. On 6 April 2020, during the COVID-19 pandemic, and with his hundredth birthday approaching, Moore began a fundraising campaign for NHS Charities Together, a group of charities supporting staff, volunteers and patients in the British National Health Service (NHS). He aimed to complete one hundred 25-metre laps of his garden, ten laps per day, with the help of a walking frame, branding the endeavour “Tom’s 100th Birthday Walk For The NHS”. The initial goal for the event was £1,000 which was realised in four days. The target was
Colonel Tom Moore, late of the Duke of Wellington’s Regiment
increased, first to £5,000 and eventually to £500,000 as more people around the world became involved. Contributions rose exponentially after British media publicised the endeavour. Moore, who joined Twitter in the same month, used the site to express joy at the public’s generosity in donating such a large amount of money. He achieved his target of one hundred laps on the morning of 16 April, watched at a safe distance by a guard of honour from the 1st Battalion of the Yorkshire Regiment, the regiment into which the Duke of Wellington’s Regiment was merged in 2006. He said he would not stop, and aimed to do a second hundred. Captain Tom’s gallant fundraising event, as he walked behind his walking frame in a neat blue blazer and gray flannel trousers caught the imagination of the public. By the morning of his birthday he had raised £30 million and when The JustGiving page for his campaign closed at the end of that day the final amount raised was £32,796,350 (AU$ 36
63,336,935.68) – a record for a JustGiving campaign. More than 1.5 million individuals donated. Moore explained his motivation: ‘When we started off with this exercise we didn’t anticipate we’d get anything near that sort of money. It’s really amazing. All of them, from top to bottom, in the National Health Service, they deserve everything that we can possibly put in their place. They’re all so brave. Because every morning or every night they’re putting themselves into harm’s way, and I think you’ve got to give them full Captain Tom finishes his 100th lap, saluted by the Guard of Honour marks for that effort. provided by the Yorkshire Regiment ‘We’re a little bit like having a war at the moment. more funds. Others depicted him in murals, including examples But the doctors and the nurses, they’re all on the front line, and in Cambourne, Tamworth, and Thetford. all of us behind, we’ve got to supply them and keep them going Over a week before Moore’s 100th birthday, so many cards with everything that they need, so that they can do their jobs had been sent to him that Royal Mail had had to introduce even better than they’re doing now.’ dedicated sorting facilities and around twenty volunteers To mark Moore’s 100th lap, the singer Michael Ball sang were recruited to open and display them, at the local You’ll Never Walk Alone for him live on BBC Breakfast. Within Bedford School.By his birthday over twenty-four hours, the performance was made into a digital 150,000 cards had been single featuring the NHS Voices of Care Choir, and Moore’s spoken words. Released by Decca Records, on 17 April, with all proceeds going to NHS Charities Together, the recording topped the United Kingdom’s “The Official Big Top 40” chart. It sold almost 36,000 copies in its first forty-eight hours. On 24 April, it went straight to No. 1 in the weekly “Official” UK Singles Chart, making Moore the oldest person to achieve that position received. and meaning that he was at No. 1 on his 100th birthday. Royal Mail announced that All proceeds from the record are being donated to the NHS. all stamped post between 26 April and 1 May would be postmarked “Happy 100th Birthday Captain Thomas Moore RECOGNITION NHS fundraising hero 30th April 2020”. Brigadier Andrew Jackson, Colonel of the Yorkshire On the morning of his birthday, a Hawker Hurricane and Regiment, described Moore as: a Spitfire from the Royal Air Force’s Battle of Britain Memorial ‘an absolute legend [from] an exceptional generation that Flight performed a flypast over Moore’s house. In the afternoon, are still an inspiration for our Yorkshire soldiers today.’ a second flypast featured two Army Air Corps helicopters, a HRH Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, said Moore was an Wildcat and an Apache. “absolute legend”. Instead of the standard 100th birthday message from ‘What I love also is he’s a 99-year war vet, he’s been around Queen Elizabeth II, he received a personalised card, presented a long time, knows everything and it’s wonderful that everyone in person by the Lord Lieutenant of Bedfordshire, Helen has been inspired by his story and his determination.’ Nellis. On 23 April, he was given a Pride of Britain award in Keighley Bus Company named one of its Optare Versa recognition of his efforts, after “thousands of nominations” were buses Captain Tom Moore on 20 April, and reprogrammed the received. electronic displays to show a “Thank You Captain Tom” message He was appointed the first Honorary Colonel of the Army intermittently in between the vehicle’s route and destination. Foundation College in Harrogate, Yorkshire, a training centre for Bedford where Moore now lives, named one of its soldiers under eighteen, on his 100th birthday. When acting in Alexander Dennis Enviro400 MMC double-decker buses Captain that capacity, he will be addressed as “Colonel Tom”. Tom Moore. He also received the Yorkshire Regiment Medal for his On 29 April Great Western Railway named a Class 800 train, “outstanding contribution to our military effectiveness and 800 025, Captain Tom Moore. On 30 April GB Railfreight named a military reputation”. Class 66, 66 731, Capt. Tom Moore – A True British Inspiration Keighley Town Council stated that they will grant Moore the Also, in late April, the West Midlands Police named a Freedom of Keighley and the City of London said it would also police dog puppy Captain Tom Moore, the name being an grant him the freedom of that city. “overwhelming favourite” in an online vote to name dogs after A number of artists have painted portraits of Moore; some “NHS heroes”. said they would gift the paintings to him, or sell them to raise 37
BUSINESS ESSENTIAL SECRET TO SELLING TERRI SCHULTZ
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ovid-19 has changed the way many businesses operate in Australia. For many, selling their wares online has suddenly become the only way to trade. When prospective buyers cannot examine your products in person it is vital to have good quality photos that showcase each product with detail. They need to be clear and bright. They need to capture the essence of the business. They need to catch that buyers eye and they need to pop! You have less than five seconds to grab a buyers attention online. We have all searched for products in Google with the search result usually having many pages. We start from the top of the list and work our way down. If the first link doesn’t grab us, we hit the back button and proceed to the next link down the page. Was that your website that just got overlooked? Did your photos let you down? So much importance is put on Search Engine Optimisation (SEO), but nobody is talking about how to keep your visitors on your website and not clicking away within seconds. If people are finding your website, you really want to keep them there and convert that visit to a sale. How can you stop visitors from bypassing your products? - It’s simple! Invest a little money and have your products photographed professionally. You need someone who has the gear, the backdrops, the lighting and the know how. A product photographer will take some time to talk to you and ensure your photos reflect the look and feel of your business. You will receive high resolution photos that can be used in posters, brochures and any other print media, and
you’ll receive lower resolution photos suitable for your website, Facebook, Etsy, Ebay, Amazon, online market etc. Since Covid-19 restrictions have caused cafes, restaurants and pubs to rethink their business, we’ve seen a lot of food photos on Facebook. Some of those photos are impressive. They show food that is appealing. You can zoom in to see the food is fresh and vibrant. Makes you want to place an order there and then doesn’t it? Not all photos presenting food are equal. Some are blurred, dark, lacking in colour and not visually appealing. I don’t know about you but that does not tempt me to place an order. It doesn’t matter how good their food may taste, if the photo isn’t appealing I usually scroll right on past them until I see something that makes my mouth water. Whether you are selling your lunchtime specials, jewellery, candles, honey, clothes, hardware or car parts, the same rules apply. A great set of photos will grab a buyer’s attention. Dark, dull or unclear photos that don’t make the product pop will very quickly send them on their way. We are all in the same boat, attempting to keep our heads above water and attract as much business as possible in these difficult times. For this reason, I am offering two free product shoots to local business operators. You can be a single operator or you can employ fifty-plus people. One recipient will be from the food industry. A café, restaurant or pub. We all know you guys are doing it tough and I’d like to offer a helping hand. The second recipient will be any product that isn’t food. Are you interested in gaining an advantage over your competitors? Or do you know of a business that is deserving of a helping hand? To be eligible to receive my gift of a free product photoshoot, follow me on do the talking! Facebook. To find me, type in ‘Terri Schulze Photography’. You’ll find the details in there. Nominate yourself or nominate a business and share, share, share! Facebook: facebook.com/ TerriSchulzePhotography/ Visit my website to view the quality of my work and the variety of photography that I produce. Website: www.terrischulze.com.au/
Product Photography Let your photos
facebook.com/TerriSchulzePhotography terrischulze.com.au terri@terrischulze.com.au 38
#AdoptLove
Photos by SAFE Newman
Pull the ‘Trigger’ on love “If loving humans is a crime, arrest me now” - Trigger At 7 years young, Trigger is looking for a home with as much love for him as he has for humans. He is the kind of guy who just wants to be by your side through all of life’s adventures be it watching tv, doing the gardening or taking to the street for a walk. In exchange for a home and family to call his own he is offering consistent love and companionship… and maybe a few kisses here and there. Trigger is great with all people big or small, although he has a small tendency to forget his size, so older children would be better suited. As a dog who loyal and protective towards his humans, he can be a little selective of the other animals he lets into space. He would suite being in an only fur-child home, with controlled introductions to potential new fur-friends. We are still not convinced that in a previous life Trigger did not complete some training with the great Harry Houdini. Combine this with his want to be with you a secure yard is a must, or he may just come looking for you. If you would like more information for adopting more love in your life contact SAFE Newman at newman@safe.org.au today, or submit an online enquiry at www.safe.org.au
Saving Animals From Euthanasia Inc (SAFE) is an animal rescue organisation that has saved and rehomed more than 26,000 homeless animals since its beginnings in 2003. It has grown to be WA’s largest volunteer-based animal rehoming organisation using foster care instead of cages. SAFE has 12 branches state-wide. In 2018 it was the national winner “Outstanding Rescue Group” in the Jetpets Companion Animal Rescue Awards. SAFE is the Western Australian arm of Animal Welfare League Australia (AWLA). FOSTER CARE means animals live the lives of normal pets, with no time limits, being loved in their place of care, and socialised in the home and community. Their carers’ knowledge of how they respond to different situations means SAFE can make a great match. Would you like to help animals on their journey to a new life? To become a foster carer, the first step is to contact our SAFE Avon Valley branch on 0409 000 259 or our Perth-based branch, SAFE Metro on 0475 346 545 or 0448 893 033.
VOLUNTEER: https://safe.org.au/volunteer/
DONATE: https://safe.org.au/donate 39
ADOPT: https://safe.org.au/find-a-pet/
NON - FICTION THE NOBLE RECREATION
DOUGLAS SUTHERLAND-BRUCE “The Golden Age, when every cabinet minister had a thriller by his bedside and all detectives were titled” - Peter Schaffer.
THE GOLDEN AGE 1920 - 1945
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lthough conventional wisdom has it that The Golden Age of detective fiction began in 1920 with the publication of Dame Agatha Christie’s The Mysterious Affair at Styles it’s not really that clear cut. The first novel that falls very clearly into what we think of as ‘Golden Age’ is Trent’s Last Case, published in 1913 by Edmund Clerihew Bentley, with its elaborate and convoluted plot, conventional detective and cosy air. EC BENTLEY (1875 - 1956) Edmund Clerihew Bentley was a man of many parts. A lifelong friend of G K Chesterton (they met at school) , a journalist and humourist, who worked for many years on the editorial staff of the Daily News and the Daily Telegraph. He also contributed many pieces ranging from political tracts to light verse to Punch. He created the verse form he called the ‘Clerihew’. In 1905 he published Biography for Beginners, under the nom de plume ‘E Clerihew’. This was a book of nonsense verse, illustrated by G K Chesterton, of four line stanzas which for a time became as popular as limericks. The Clerihew is a whimsical, four-line biographical poem. The first line is the name of the subject, usually a famous
Edmund Clerihew Bentley (1875 - 1956)
person put in an absurd light, or revealing something unknown or spurious about them. The rhyme scheme is AABB, and the rhymes are often forced. The line length and metre are irregular: Sir Christopher Wren Said, “I am going to dine with some men. If anyone calls Say I am designing St. Paul’s. In 1913 he published what has become known as Trent’s Last Case. It was not intended in any way to be the classic detective story it has become. It was intended as satire - to show the sterility and artificiality into which Bentley felt the detective story had fallen - and looking at some of the literary structures towards the end of the Silver Age it’s hard to disagree. As Bentley wrote in his autobiography, ‘It should be possible, I thought, to write a detective story in which the detective was recognisable as a human being.’ The book had a tenuous, tremulous start. Originally entitled Phillip Gasket’s Last Case when entered in a competition for first novels, where the book failed to attract much interest. However, a chance encounter by Bentley with an American publisher resulted in publication there, under the name The Woman in Black and the hero’s surname changed to ‘Trent’. John Bucan (Lord Tweedsmuir), a director of Thomas Nelson & Sons Limited obtained the British publication rights,
An appropriate Clerihew, illustrated by Nicolas Bentley, Edmund’s son 40
renamed the book Trent’s Last Case, the name which has lasted on both sides of the pond. In the novel, Phillip Trent, is a famous painter who has previously solved some puzzling problems when the book opens. He is respected both by the police and Fleet Street. Trent is tall, gangling and still fairly young. He dresses in rough tweeds that are slightly untidy, as is he - scruffy hair and untidy moustache. His face is Quixotic and his manner is pleasant, friendly and tactful. Trent displays a curiosity about any type of crime problem and his artistic endeavours are frequently interrupted by summonses from an important London newspaper, which considers him an extremely valuable crime journalist, in order to investigate mysteries. Trent is very human, in contrast to the infallible superhero such as Sherlock Holmes and Dr Thorndyke. He is so human in fact that in this, his first published case not only does he fall in love with one of the primary suspects – usually considered a error – he also, after painstakingly collecting all the evidence, draws all the wrong conclusions. The sort of artificiality against which Bentley was reacting, is best typified by the ‘had-I-but-known’ (HIBK) school, best demonstrated by Mary Roberts Rinehart in such tomes as The Circular Staircase (1908) in which “a middle-aged spinster is persuaded by her niece and nephew to rent a country house for the summer. The house they choose belonged to a bank defaulter who had hidden stolen securities in the walls. The gentle, peaceloving trio is plunged into a series of crimes solved with the help of the aunt. The HIBK school was parodied by Ogden Nash in his poem, Don’t Guess, Let Me Tell You, which goes, in part: ‘Had-I-But-Known narrators are the ones who hear a stealthy creak at midnight in the tower where the body lies, and, instead of locking their door or arousing the drowsy policeman posted outside their room, sneak off by themselves to the tower and suddenly they hear a breath exhaled behind them,
No one is ever seen doing any work, and although the occasional suspect may be labeled Solicitor’, ‘Doctor’ or ‘Maid’ they have no more vitality than Professor Plum or Rev. Green. Mrs Reinhart’s work was naive, but in many ways it portrayed a milieu in which a large number of Golden Age detectives would work - one of moneyed elegance and uppermiddle class luxury. The Golden Age flourished through the inter-war years of the 20s and 30s. 1920 saw the start of many a brilliant career in detective fiction almost as though the start of the decade triggered original thought. Since it is well-nigh impossible to rank these in any sort of order of merit, I shall deal with the protagonists and their works randomly but in rough date order of the publication of their first detective novel. While most have merit, I shall try and indicate those I think have especial virtue in the field.
HENRY CHRISTOPHER BAILEY (1878–1961)
Bailey was born in London. He studied Classics at Oxford University, earning a B.A. in 1901, the year of his first publication - My Lady of Orange, historical fiction which was serialised in Longman’s Magazine. Bailey began working as a journalist for The Daily Telegraph, writing war journalism, drama reviews, and editorials for the newspaper.
And they have no time to scream, they know nothing else till the men from the D.A.’s office come in next morning and find them. ... Sometimes it is the ‘had I but known what grim secret lurked behind the smiling exterior, I would never have set foot within the door’; Sometimes ‘had I but know then what I know now, I could have saved at least three lives by revealing to the Inspector the conversation I heard through the fortuitous hole in the floor ...’ And when the killer is finally trapped into a confession by some elaborate device of the Had I But Known-er some hundred pages later than if they hadn’t held their knowledge aloof, Why, they say, why Inspector I knew all along it was he but I couldn’t tell you, you would have laughed at me unless I had absolute proof.’ These are the first crime stories which have the air of being written specifically for maiden aunts and they exploited a market which, with the spread of library borrowing, proved very profitable. People in the books die, but this is not important since in relations to any known reality, they were never really alive.
Henry C Bailey (1878 - 1961)
For our purposes Bailey’s importance rises from his creation of Dr Reginald ‘Reggie’ Fortune, possibly the first of the ‘Silly ass’ detectives. Although neither aristocratic nor titled he has the mannerisms of both. Think Edgar Wallace’s Bones in a black jacket and pin-striped bags. He’s not a member of PG Wodehouse’s Drones Club but would fit right in with the other eggs, beans and crumpets. He 41
appeared first in 1920 in a collection of short stories called Call Mr Fortune. The stories (short and full length) can still be read but they have dated very badly. Bailey constructed his tales around the mores of his time and plots usually involve an attack on the social standards of the day, and since these have long since been outmoded the stories no longer generate the same responses. Reggie always goes by the honorific ‘Mr’ rather than doctor, even though as medically qualified he is a surgeon and thus ‘Mr. Reggie was born in a London suburb near the end of Victoria’s reign, the only son of a middle-class doctor. He went to Charterhouse and Oxford, completed his degree without much distinction on the assumption that he would follow his father’s footsteps. Amiable and popular as a student, he started to study pathology, post-graduate, at a London hospital but quickly left to go into general practice. However, two criminal cases come his way early on and he is unable to resist the lure of justice. Mr Fortune is plump, younger-seeming than his age, a gourmet, even a gourmand, but eschewing port and whisky. He is blond-haired with round, full cheeks and innocent and candid eyes, which leads him to being nick-named ‘Cherub’ by an irreverent young woman. Reggie enjoys life and feasts on all its pleasures - unless they happen to include hunting or any activity that attracts crowds. He loves his wife, who has complained once or twice about the difficulties of being married to a small boy, and is happiest in his laboratory or garden. Although his genteel benevolence seems overly mannered, he can be tough physically as well as intellectually. He solves crimes by having as he says, a simple ‘faith in facts’, plus ‘no imagination’. he just believes in evidence. Many people (including the present writer) find Reggie’s speech mannerisms grating. A middleaged, cherubic doctor uttering phrases such as ‘Oh my Aunt!’; or ‘My dear chap’ can be almost as offensive as the one who points to the end -of-day crowds leaving their offices and saying: ‘Look at ‘em, all glad they are alive and letting live and going home to enjoy it, same like me. The common people of whom I am the chief.’ Reggie drives a Rolls Royce. Reggie appears in twenty-two books, published between 1920 and 1948. Many of Reggie’s thought patterns and mannerisms can also be found in his chief literary rivals -Lord Peter Wimsey, Albert Campion and Philo Vance.
to his maternal uncle, Berkeley Deane Wise, who was chief engineer of the Belfast and Northern Counties Railway. In 1899 Crofts was appointed Junior Assistant and in 1900 he became District Engineer at Coleraine for the L.M.S. Northern
Monsenior Ronald Knox
RONALD KNOX’S COMMANDMENTS 1) The murderer must be introduced early in the story but cannot be someone whose thoughts the writer reveals. 2) All supernatural or preternatural agencies are ruled out as a matter of course. 3) Not more than one secret room or passage is allowable. 4) No hitherto undiscovered poisons may be used, nor any appliance which will need a long scientific explanation at the end. 5) No Chinaman must figure in the story. 6) No accident must ever help the detective, nor must he ever have an unaccountable intuition which proves to be right. 7) The detective must not himself commit the crime. 8) The detective must not light on any clues which are not instantly produced for the inspection of the reader. 9) The stupid friend of the detective, the Watson, must not conceal any thoughts which pass through his mind; his intelligence must be slightly, but very slightly, below that of the average reader. 10) Twin brothers, and doubles generally, must not appear unless we have been duly prepared for them. Sean O’Neill: ‘Virtually all of these “rules” have been broken by successful novelists who had the skill to hold the reader’s attention beyond the first few pages, through the ensuing story, right to the denouement. ‘In fact, many of Knox’s rules seem superfluous, or at least partially inapplicable to modern day detective fiction. And yet, taken as a whole, they present us with the proposition that, in this particular genre, care must be taken over the telling, the explication and the execution of a story that is meant to be an entertainment which challenges the reader’s intellect and is worth the price on the cover of the book.’
FREEMAN WILLS CROFTS FRSA (1879 – 1957)
Crofts was born in Dublin, Ireland. His father, also named Freeman Wills Crofts, was a surgeon-lieutenant in the Army Medical Service but he died before the young Freeman Wills Crofts was born. In 1896, at the age of seventeen, Crofts was apprenticed 42
Freeman Wills Crofts FRSA (1879 – 1957)
Counties Committee. Croft continued his engineering career until 1929. In 1919, during an absence from work due to a long illness, Crofts wrote his first novel, The Cask (1920), which established his reputation in detective fiction. The Cask is concerned with the discovery of gold coins and a corpse in a cask that has been shipped to London. The investigators, unlike almost every other detective until then are professional police officers - Inspector Burnley of Scotland Yard, aided by Monsieur Lefarge of the Surete, even though the final denouement is provided by a private detective, Georges La Touche, the attraction of the book, even now, is the painstaking attention to detail and forensic approach. This scientific attitude, commonplace now, was a revelation at the time and came to influence many who followed. Crofts continued to write steadily, producing a book almost every year for thirty years, in addition to a number of short stories and plays. He is best remembered for his favourite detective, Inspector Joseph French, who was introduced in his fifth book, Inspector French’s Greatest Case (1924). Inspector French always set about unraveling each of the mysteries presented him in a workmanlike, exacting manner – an approach set him apart from most other fictional sleuths, but which led critic and historian Julian Symons to anoint him as the first of the ‘Humdrums’, detectives without monocles, flamboyance, titled relations and who worked for a living. And it is at this point, 1920, that we see the development of the two streams of detective fiction into ‘amateur’ (Wimsey, Queen, Vance etc) and ‘professional’ (Inspectors French and Alleyn, Maigret, and so on. )
Inspector Joseph ‘Soapy Joe’ French, as the first of the ‘Police Procedurals’ stands below medium height and comfortable-looking rather than stout. He is clean-shaven and with a kindly expression. His eyes are dark-blue and often twinkle. He is usually tweedy and frequently sports a bowler hat (foreshadowing Joyce Porter’s Chief Inspector Wilfred Dover). French is happily married and often discusses his cases with his wife, who has been known to make useful suggestions. He serves, over the period of the novels, over thirty years in the CID and has never failed to bring a case to a satisfactory conclusion. Crofts intimate knowledge of, and familiarity with railways and their minutia make frequent appearances in the stories and impress with their accuracy. This is, alas, not always true of Crofts’ knowledge of police procedure. He know little of actual police methods, and cared to learn less, thinking it of little importance. Immensely popular at the time (The Cask sold 100,000 copies) the books have not lasted, partly as a result of Crofts’s success in making French commonplace that he also made him uninteresting. Crofts influence on detective fiction went much further than his novels. He was a member, with Dorothy L. Sayers and Agatha Christie, of the Detection Club (founded by AB Cox - see below) which met in Gerrard Street and a contributor to the multi-authored books they produced, shaping the form of the British who-dunnit.
ANTHONY BERKELEY COX (1893 – 1971)
Cox was born in 1893 in Watford, and educated at Sherborne School and University College, Oxford. After serving in the British Army in the First World War, he worked as a journalist for many years, contributing to such magazines as Punch and The Humorist. Cox wrote three types of stories, with a nom de plume for each. AB Cox was a journalist, Frances Iles a well-known mystery critic and Anthony Berkley a mystery writer. His first novel, The Layton Court Mystery, was written for his own amusement and for that of his father, an avid fan of the genre. It was published anonymously in 1925 and was exceedingly well received, earning the author a goodly sum. Cox, who seems to have agreed with Dr Johnson than ‘no man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money’, once said ‘When I find something that pays better than detective stories I shall write that. The Layton Court Mystery introduced Roger Sherringham, the amateur detective who features in many of the author’s novels including the classic Anthony Berkley Cox (1893 - 1971) Poisoned Chocolates Case. 43
The Sherringham of The Layton Court Mystery was originally conceived as a private joke, a satire on the form - and as happened before and will happen again, was taken at face value. Cox later wrote: ‘Sherringham was founded on an offensive person I once knew because in my original innocence I thought it would be amusing to have an offensive detective. Since he has been taken in all seriousness, I have had to tone his offensiveness down and pretend he never was.’ Sherringham is also the first detective whose occupation is that of a crime writer (shades of Jessica Fletcher and Harriet Vane). He was born in 1891 in a small provincial town near London Sherringham obtained a small scholarship to one of the older and more snobbish public schools and in 1910 went up to Merton College, Oxford where he read history and the classics. He is adept at rugby and punting, also excelling at golf. He served in the First World War and was slightly wounded twice. After demob and short careers in business, teaching and farming Sherringham dashed off a novel as a lark, and having it accepted by a publisher it became on overnight success and further novels and crime journalism followed. A little below average height and stocky, Sherringham has a round face and continually smokes a short stemmed pipe with a large bowl. As conceived Sherringham is rude, vain, loquacious and offensive - but as the series went on, Crofts smoothed over the most egregious aspects of his creation. Cox’s other extraordinary creation was in his 1931 novel, written as Frances Iles, Malice Aforethought. In this Cox created the ‘inverted’ crime story, one in which we know from the start ‘who done it’. (A Judgment in Stone [1977] by Ruth Rendell is a remarkable example). Malice Aforethought is the story of caddish and cowardly doctor who murders his equally detestable wife. The book received unanimous rave reviews at the time and had stood the test of time well. The plot was based on the real life case of Major Herbert Rowse Armstrong, a small town solicitor and retired British Army officer who murdered his unpleasant wife with arsenic. Had he been content to leave it there he would never have been found out. But he tried to murder a rival solicitor in Major Herbert Rowse Armstrong Hay-on-Wye where
he practiced. A certain Oswald Martin, to whom he presented a poisoned scone at an afternoon tea. Returning home, Martin was violently ill and, becoming suspicious, had his urine tested and traces of arsenic were found. Mrs Armstrong’s body was exhumed and found to contain arsenic also. Major Armstrong was arrested, tried, found guilty and hanged 1922, the only solicitor in the history of the United Kingdom to have been hanged for murder. In 1928 Cox founded the Detection Club as a dining and meeting ground for like -minded colleagues - Ronald Knox, Freeman Wills Crofts, Arthur Morrison, R. Austin Freeman, , E. C. Bentley, GK Chesterton and H. C. Bailey. It was formalised with rules two years later and still thrives, some ninety years later. The Detection Club features in Cox’s The Poisoned Chocolates Case (1929), widely acclaimed as his masterpiece. Julian Symons says it contains ‘one of the most stunning trick stories in the history of detective fiction’. It is remarkable in that the mystery in this story has in fact six separate alternative solutions. Next month - The Queens of Crime ...’
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THE DETECTION CLUB
T
he Detection Club was founded informally in 1928 at the instigation of Anthony Berkley Cox with a group of British mystery writers, including Agatha Christie, Dorothy L. Sayers, Ronald Knox, Freeman Wills Crofts, Arthur Morrison, Hugh Walpole, John Rhode, Jessie Rickard, Baroness Emma Orczy, R. Austin Freeman, G. D. H. Cole, Margaret Cole, E. C. Bentley, Henry Wade, and H. C. Bailey. The formal setting up and record -keeping began in 1930 - Anthony Berkeley Cox became the first Honorary Secretary of the club, and the first president was G. K. Chesterton. There was a fanciful initiation ritual with an oath taken with the right hand on a human skull of unknown origin, but christened ‘Eric’ (forensic examination much later indicates it should have been named ‘Erica;’ as the skull is that of a woman. The Oath: Do you promise that your detectives shall well and truly detect the crimes presented to them using those wits which it may please you to bestow upon them and not placing reliance on nor making use of Divine Revelation, Feminine Intuition, Mumbo Jumbo, Jiggery-Pokery, Coincidence, or Act of God? The club held regular dinner meetings in London. It is the oldest, smallest and most prestigious of all associations of crime writers. In addition to meeting for dinners and helping each other with technical aspects in their individual writings, the members of the club agreed to adhere to Ronald Knox's Commandments in their writing to give the reader a fair chance at guessing the guilty party. These fair-play "rules" were created in an introduction to an anthology of detective stories. They were never intended as more than guidelines, and not all the members took them seriously. The club continues to exist, meeting three times a year. Membership is by invitation, following a secret ballot. A number of works were published under the club's sponsorship; most of these were written by multiple members of the club, each contributing one or more chapters in turn. In the case of The Floating Admiral, each author also provided
Dorothy L Sayers with ‘Eric’ from the Detection Club
a sealed "solution" to the mystery as he or she had written it, including the previous chapters. This was done to prevent a writer from adding impossible complications with no reasonable solution in mind. The various partial solutions were published as part of the final book. Presidents G. K. Chesterton (1930–1936) E. C. Bentley (1936–1949) Dorothy L. Sayers (1949–1957) Agatha Christie (1957–1976)* Lord Gorell (1957–1963)* Julian Symons (1976–1985) H. R. F. Keating (1985–2000) Simon Brett (2000–2015) Martin Edwards (2015–)[3] *Lord Gorell shared the presidency with Agatha Christie, who was painfully shy and only agreed to accept the role if a copresident was appointed to conduct the club's proceedings.
A dinner of the Detection Club in 1932 - GK Chesterton at the head of the main table 45
46
FOOD CULPEPERS HERBAL STEPHAN DE JONGE
A
s the Covid-19 lockdown and isolation continues, we are seeing more and more attention being given to the things that really matter, such as home cooking. As a hobby, even one born of necessity, cooking is allabsorbing, enjoyable and an area where learning never ends. Every dish is enhanced by the use of spices and herbs, so much so that a huge part of the endeavour of the Middle Ages was to establish a secure source of spices. Nicholas Culpeper (1616 - 1654) was an English botanist, herbalist, physician and astrologer. His book the Complete Herbal is a store of pharmaceutical and herbal knowledge. Culpeper spent much time outdoors cataloguing hundreds of medicinal herbs. So as a service to the readers of Swan Magazine we’re going to give a brief overview of some common herbs and spices. Enjoy, learn and have fun trying them out.
BASIL
Basil is a versatile and very popular herb that goes with most meats and cooked vegetable ingredients. It originated in India. It’s Latin name is Ocymum Basilicum pronounced “Okay Mum, Basil Come” Cooking with: Lamb, fish, chicken, beef, cheese making, bread baking, eggs, potatoes, salad dressings and salads, soups, tomatoes. Cuisine: Thai, Middle Eastern, Mexican, Malaysian, Italian, Indian, Chinese Usage : Commonly used in Italian Cuisine in soups, casseroles, pasta sauce and pesto, basil also goes well with beef, chicken, seafood, lamb and in salads (fresh). Medicinal Usage: It is carminative and aromatic. Basil is high in beta-carotene, vitamin C, iron and calcium. It is believed to relieve indigestion, flatulence and nausea. It may also ease stomach ache. It is most effective as an infusion. Fun Facts: Basil is native to Asia, and its origins goes back 3000 years. It was considered a sacred herbs and still is. It was introduced into Europe by the returning armies of Alexander the Great.
In parts of India, basil is regarded as sacred and is associated with the goddess Tulasi and is the symbol of love, purity and protection. In Romania, if a young man accepted a sprig of basil from a lady, he was considered engaged to her and an Italian suitor can proclaim serious intentions by wearing a sprig of Basil in his hair. Similarly when a girl left a pot of basil in her window, she is signaling to her lover that he was welcome. Camphor is an essential oil found in Basil. The best basil Leaves come from Egypt or Turkey.
ALLSPICE
Allspice, also known as Jamaican Pepper is the ground dried unripe fruit (berries) of Pimenta dioica - Pimento. Cooking with:
Chicken, stewed fruit, desserts
Cuisine: Middle Eastern, Mexican, Italian, Indian, Chinese Usage : Used in sausage making to add flavour. It is the main ingredient in BBQ sauce and pasta sauce. Also used when cooking with fruits such as baked apples, banana etc and other dessert dishes. The allspice can also be used as a substitute for cloves in sweet meals. Great in chutneys and relishes. Medicinal Usage: The Pimento plant has volatile oils that contain eugenol, a weak anti-microbial agent. Fun Facts: Oddly, the name Allspice was coined as early as 1621 by the English traders. They thought it to be a combination of three ground spices, Cinnamon, Nutmeg and Cloves and so named it Allspice as they were the common spices available of the day. Allspice is often called Pimento, not to be confused with the capsicum pepper Pimiento, which is a vegetable, not a spice. During the 17th century, the Allspice was considered as a preservative for meat or fish, that is certainly the reason why the Mayans employed it in the embalming process. But on the other hand, the Aztecs used this spice with vanilla in their chocolate drink. The best Allspice comes from India, Mexico or the Honduras. Courtesy of Culpepers
www.culpepers.net.au
www.culpepers.net.au
Allspice - ground pimento 47
BUSINESS WHAT IS HIDLE?
H
TROY DONOGHUE
ave you got unused items sitting around gathering dust at home? Would you like to make some extra cash by hiring them to your local community? Well, that’s where Hidle can help. Hidle is a peer-to-peer hire platform that brings owners and hirers together, allowing idle items to be used instead of possibly rusting away in a garage or shed. The idea for Hidle first came to me in 2016. I was driving to work one day and started thinking about the dozens of items that were continually listed for sale on buy and sell platforms. What if you could hire those items out into the community instead, which would also solve the problem of overpriced and often difficult to get hold of hire items? And so the innovative classified platform Hidle was born. We allow people to earn extra cash while also saving money on the hiring of items within their local community. And, as we believe that the current buy and sell platforms don’t offer consumers enough security, we place extremely high importance on our items and money being secure ensuring unrivalled peace of mind while using our service. Have you become disillusioned with the current buy and sell platforms? We believe we offer a unique proposition, providing a wide range of products for hire in a classifieds and location-based setting. Our market knowledge has been gained over three years of research and development, looking into areas such as Tourism WA, caravan, camping, sporting, general household, small to large business idle assets as well as weekend warrior statistics. Our unique features include being mobile-device friendly with a classifieds drop down and location-based search function and a secure PayPal upfront payment system. We also offer an online hire agreement which, while dispensing with the need for physical paperwork, allows for an electronic paper trail. We’ve also eliminated price haggling as
the price is confirmed upfront when the item is hired. In short, we believe the option of hiring out your unused items to the local community instead of trying to sell them, appeals to a market that hasn’t yet been catered to. In addition, we offer an unrivalled service. As well as PayPal secure upfront payments, including an owner-nominated bond for peace of mind, Hidle offers transaction numbers and ID verification so there are less likely to be any issues with hiring, pickups and returns. Our device-friendly platform means you can also hire on the run from any location in only a few minutes as the robust online hire agreement is agreed to upon registration. A consumer is also registered as both an owner and a hirer so the choice is yours as to what you want to do in any given scenario. How to register your items is possibly the first question you might ask. Registering your items it quick and easy. Simply read and agree to the Website terms and conditions plus the Owner and Hirer hire agreement, fill in your required details, verify your email by responding to the email we will send you and your set to go. Listing items is only a matter of uploading 1 or 2 photos, setting your hire and bond amount and adding any information you would like in the description section. At Hidle we know it can be a little difficult to find the time to start a new process so feel free to give any of the team a call on 0427526445 if you would like some help. Listing your item is 100% free. Domestic Private Owners earn 90.0% of the hire amount with Hidle earning a commission of 10.0% on each hire transaction excluding the bond amount, which covers operational costs, platform hosting, financial institution and administration fees plus a small profit. So, why buy when you can hire? Join the Hidle revolution today! www.hidle.com.au.
48
FICTION WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
P
JOHN LEWINGTON
eter dodged road traffic when living Fremantle Market to get to his car in the multi-story carpark. Fremantle was dull with grey clouds dumping torrents of winter rain. He was dying for a pee and the feeling seemed to be more stimulated by the water sound on the pavement! There were toilets outside the car park so he diverted that way and was immediately confounded. The old welcoming toilets that he remembered from a previous visit had been replaced by three shining steel fronts. At first he didn’t even register that it could be a new type toilet. In fact there were three unisex toilets facing the street. He was looking for a handle on what he supposed to be the smooth door of one unit, when it occurred to him that he would have to read the instructions on the side of the door. There was a red flashing light button with words underneath. ‘Toilet free. Please press to enter.’ He pressed the red button as instructed and the shiny door slid open as if to an Aladdin’s cave. It however revealed a large room, bigger than the usual size for even the disabled person’s toilet; the room was flooded with light from a hidden source. He entered the windowless room in great surprise. So different from the old loo. The door closed silently behind him. To his left was apparently a steel table, flush to the wall, which evidently would come down as a babies nappy changing table if one pressed yet another red button. To the left of the wall table, in the corner, was the toilet. Peter sighed with relief going towards it unzipping his trousers. As he got half way across the room music sounded from a hidden speaker, it was soft and soothing. The plastic toilet seat was down and showing signs of being wet. It didn’t dawn on him that it was not urine but the result of some kind of cleaning after the last user. He knocked the seat up. Peter finished peeing and looked for the button to press for the flush. There was none. There was a red button to the left of the toilet seat, which, when pressed, started to roll out toilet paper on request. He amused himself experimenting expressing the paper. He then turned to the opposite of the room where there were three basins in a row. The left one had a red button, of course, to press for soap. The second red button to press for water. Peter never got around to checking the third basin. He became uncomfortably aware of one thing that bothered him. There were no windows in the room. The music might have been to lull fears of confinement in closed space, but it had no effect on Peter. Instead, his old, almost forgotten, fear came to the fore claustrophobia - it was as if someone was putting a metal band around his head at the forehead. And tightening it, slowly, slowly… It was bad timing that he should then notice yet another red button which stated below it. ‘If red alarm shows vacate toilet immediatly.’ Vacate immediately? A panic went through Peter’s uneasy mind. Why? In his agitated state it did not occur to him that the toilet would be disinfected automatically once he was out of the room at a certain time. Instead he shivered. The pressure increased. The shining walls around him were beginning to encroach on his space. He tried to hurry. For some stupid reason he pressed the button for soap with a fingers of his left hand. The music stopped. Silence. A voice over his shoulder spoke. “Why did you do that?”
Peter swung around but there was nobody there. The voice had been so clear. He started to sweat. There was something in his head giving him a lifting feeling; he was beginning to dissociate himself from his body. Another symptom of claustrophobia. He looked for a loud speaker but saw only recessed areas where lights, and whatever worked the toilet, were situated. “Who’s there?” Peter demanded. “Where the hell are you?” Silence… The voice came again. “Why did you do that? You’ve affected my ivec cells. Why did you do that?” Peter’s eyes scanned the room. “Come out! Where the hell are you? What’s happened to the music?” An awful thought came to him. There were hidden cameras. Silence. “Why did you do that? You’ve affected my ivec cells. Why did you do that?” Peter felt his anxiety level rise and rise. In his mind the room’s walls were getting much closer… He looked towards the toilet door on the road side of the room and saw yet another red button with the notice underneath. ‘Press to exit’ Peter sweated. He had to get out… He took two steps towards the door. Silence. Then the voice came again. “Why did you do that? You’ve affected my ivec cells. The door will not open.” Peter screamed as the pressure on his brain increased. Ignoring the voice he crossed to the shinning door to press the red button frantically. Silence. The voice droned relentlessly. “Why did you do that? You’ve affected my ivec cells. Please wait!” Peter was frantic. “I can’t wait! I must get out! For God’s sake let me out! I’m claustrophobic damn you! Don’t you understand?” His hand slammed on the shinning door. Silence. “Why did you do that? My ivec cells do not recognise claustrophobia. Do you require darkness?” The lights went out. In pitch blackness Peter screamed and screamed. “No! No! No! I must get out! He slipped down by the side of the door banging on it with his fist shouting hysterically. “Let me out! For Chrissake! Let me out!” Silence. The voice came again: “Why did you do that? My ivec cells are responding please wait.” Peter continued to scream and pound the door. “Out! Out! Out!” Silence. Then the music came on as did the lights. Peter scrambled to his feet banging again on the door with renewed vigour. “Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!” Silence. Then the voice reproached hm. “Why did you do that? My ivec cells are working. Please press red exit button.” “About time!” Peter frantically pressed the red button. The shining door slid silently open. Peter staggered out onto hot ground under glaring sunlight. He was dazzled. He squinted at the glowing Fremantle Space Station Shuttle Service. A silver shuttle was silently taking off in the distance for the moon. People in strange shining garb and closed helmets stood looking unperturbed at the event. They ignored Peter’s presence. Peter gasped and threw his hand over his face as he screamed at the scene. “God help me!” A voice in his brain asked. “Why did you say that?” ~THE END~ 49
SWAN VALLEY
SWEET TEMPTATIONS
TRAIL
handcrafted artisan produce
1121
swanval
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U/sweet
THE IDLER The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Mind
COVID HAIR
GLENNYS MARSDON
I
n March 2020 the Australian Government restricted haircuts to 30 minutes, making all women of Australia become more cognisant of the threadbare heads of our mostly male leaders. Clearly, it’d been a while since any of them had attempted a wash, colour, cut and blowdry within half an hour. Even Daniel Ricciardo’s pit crew would struggle with that task. Thankfully the decision was soon reversed, no doubt when the gentlemen arrived home to their “less than happy wives” and realised they were in for “less than happy lives”. Even though the decision was reversed, and hair salons went to extreme lengths to look after their clientele, many women took matters into their own hands, with varying degrees of success. Over the years I’ve had the privilege of working with companies that design and market hair products. Through this I’ve learnt that the earliest shampoo was made by boiling soapberries with dried Indian gooseberries, lovely. Originally, soap and shampoo were very similar products maybe some of you remember your mother washing your hair with soap? No? Just me then? Anyway, during the early stages of shampoo, hair stylists would boil soap in water and add some herbs to give the hair fragrance. By 1927 liquid shampoo was invented by Hans Schwarzkopf. No doubt you’ll recognise the name as a brand still on the shelves today. What you may not know is that today there are some ten basic shampoo types, yes ten! Clarifying shampoo, Everyday shampoo, Volumizing shampoo, Oily hair shampoo, Normal hair shampoo, Dry/ Damaged hair shampoo, Colored hair shampoo, 2-in-1 shampoo and Medicated shampoo, phew. Combine that with the number of competing brands and you get some idea of the clutter in this space. Given the dearth of products on the market, brands spend millions trying to differentiate their product. Most focus on health claims and unique packaging styles. A few go further, adding colour to the shampoo. One of the most colourful hair care products is the purple toner. The blue-violet pigment adheres to the hair shaft and, being opposite orange on the colour wheel, the blue neutralises any brassy orange
or yellow tones that can develop in gray or blonde hair. In years gone by the purple toner was confined to “women of a certain age” … and Dame Edna. More recently however the toner has been used by a wider range of people. Swimmers trying to combat the chlorine yellow, blondes of any age and young women looking to make a fashion statement. Personally, I’ve used the toner for years. Lately I try to convince myself that it’s to maintain my blonde highlights, rather than the flood of dull silver, cough, ash blonde, creeping in. The other day I discovered a potential design flaw. Having washed my hair with the recommended two full teaspoons of shampoo I bent to retrieve the conditioner bottle from the shower floor. The recent Covid buying environment meant I hadn’t been able to purchase my usual conditioner. The only thing left was a large black opaque unbranded bottle of conditioner that boasted a “fresh apple” fragrance. It would have to do. As usual I poured a teaspoon of the purple toner fluid into my left hand. I squeeze in a generous dollop of the unbranded conditioner on top and immediately raised my hands to my head, lingering a little longer than usual to make sure I’d massaged in the combination. When I lowered my hands and saw the residual smeer I was perplexed. The palms of my hands resembled a small Jason Pollockesk swirl of merging colours. Tendrils of purple toner begged for survival from under a sea of lime green unbranded conditioner. Any artist, or kindergarten teacher worth her salt, would appreciate my fear. This unusual combination of purple and green usually results in an unsatisfying dark greenish-brown. It was too late to undo the damage. The concoction had already bonded with my nutrient poor, dry hair. As I washed my hair for a second and third time, there was only one thing to do. Give thanks to our follicle challenged leaders who’d also given us social isolating. See you in a month.
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SWAN VALLEY AND REGIONAL NETWORK SWAN VALLEY CUDDLY ANIMAL FARM - SOS
T
he Swan Valley Cuddly Animal Farm is a much loved family business hugely affected by Covid 19. The Cuddly Animal Farm has been operating for fifteen years, sharing our very hands on animal experience with local and over seas families. The "Cuddly Animal Farm" is a favorite venue for birthday parties, corporate events, school excursions and fun family outings.... We have been closed to the public now since March 24th with no income from that date. We are currently feeding and caring for over 416 animals such as lambs, kids, sheep, goats, pigs, cows, alpacas, llama, kangaroos, emus, fallow deer, camels, native birds, peacocks, pigeons, parrots, walleroo, foxes, rabbits, guinea pigs, chickens, pheasants, turkeys, Clydesdale, ponies, miniature horses, donkeys and a mule. Our overheads are continuous and large, power, water, animal feed, veterinary expenses, animal husbandry expenses ( ie drenching, worming), property maintenance and repairs, insurances and employee expenses. With the Jobkeeper payments this will assist us with wages once we start to receive payments reimbursing us but we still must pay superannuation, workers compensation insurance etc. It is currently costing us over $20, 000. per week to keep our business in hibernation until we can reopen to the public... We are receiving no assistance from government or bank to cover these expense and so we are asking for your help.. We love each and every one of our beautiful Cuddly Farm Animal Family, they are all very special and unique in there own ways we need your help to be able to keep them safe. We love our business being able to offer a hands on animal experience educating children and visitors to the farm seeing the joy on a child's face as they pat a little lamb or bottle feed a baby calf is very precious. As there are no visitors coming to the Cuddly Animal Farm, Linda is finding it a challenge to meet the cost of feeding hundreds of animals that they care for. Here is a list of the items that the Swan Valley Cuddly Animal Farm would be grateful to receive • Fresh Fruit and vegetables ( ie: carrots, apples pears, tomatoes, melons, strawberries, Asian vegegetables, bananas, cucumber, zucchini, cabbage, cos lettuce etc really anything except onions, potatoes.)
• Frozen chopped vegetables • Chicken wings or necks (foxes) • Stock feed • Poultry Mix • Wheat • Rice • Camel Pellets • Guinea Pig and rabbit pellets • Hygain Veteran • Hygain Zero • Flakey Bran • Speedy Beets • Rhodes Chaff • Oaten Chaff • Alpaca Muesli • Crushed Lupins • Small Parrot Mix • Pigeon Mix • ZuPreem Fruit Blend large bird pellets • Mineral blocks for sheep • Profelac Milk Lamb and Kid Milk Replacer Powder (we probably are good with this at the moment as we always kept bags as stock on hand and we have cut back on accepting new babies and, we are only bottle feeding ten babies at the moment so probably have enough milk for a month so this isn’t high priority at this time) Also, we have a GoFundMe campaign requesting donations to help buy animal feed. People wishing to donate can do so by following the below link which will take you direct to the Swan Valley Cuddly Animal Farm campaign on the GoFundMe site: www.gofundme.com/f/swan-valley-cuddly-animal-farmcovid-relief?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_linktip&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet Contact for queries and donations: Swan Valley Cuddly Animal Farm on 0424 209 730. Thank you. 52
SWAN VALLEY AND REGIONAL NETWORK
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THE DOORSTEP GROCER
s more people are working from home, Self-Isolating, perhaps at high risk to venture to shops and need continual support, and with the ever changing CODVID-19 environment The Doorstep Grocer, Provides safety; both in food bio-security (he knows where the produce is grown or processed, unites the community and fantastic food boxes which are value for money) with Fruit – vegetables and Staples Join the Doorstep Family and connect: www.facebook.com/ thedoorstepgrocers/ Product details - Essential Box $40
This box contains the essential and staple products for a healthy diet. The contents will change with the seasons and availability from the growers and markets. A typical box will include products such as carrots, potatoes, onion, capsicum, cauliflower, broccoli, eggs, bananas, lemons, apples plus seasonal fruit and vegetables. Remember, these may change daily depending on availability and we may even throw in little extras from time to time! All in all the box weight will be between 5-7 kilos of food, this can feed up to four people for 2-4 days bringing the cost to as low as $2.5 per person per day Product details - De-Luxe Box $60
This box contains the essential and staple products for a healthy diet plus the little extras such as Avocados and Pasta. All contents are subject to change depending on the seasons and availability from the growers and markets. A typical box will include products such as carrots, potatoes, onion, capsicum, cauliflower, broccoli, eggs, bananas, lemons, apples, pasta, green beans, mushrooms, avocados plus seasonal fruit and vegetables. Remember, these may change daily depending on availability and we may even throw in little extras from time to time! All in all the box weight will be between 6-8 kilos of food, this can feed up to four people for 3-4 days bringing the cost to as low as $3.75 per person per day.
TODAY, WE’RE ASKING FOR YOUR HELP
T
he Western Australian hospitality industry employs 36,000 people. These 36,000 people cannot simply ‘work from home’. Right now, many of them can’t work at all. As critical measures come into place across Australia to combat the spread of COVID-19, our Golden State’s bars, restaurants, cafes, pubs and wineries are facing a time of unprecedented struggle. Many of the venues being affected are local businesses; businesses run by families and individuals, who can no longer afford to pay their staff or make ends meet. Over the years, they have been there for us. They have supported us when we needed them. Now is our time to return the favour. Support Swan Valley Businesses (buy Takeaway – buy a voucher)
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CONTAINERS WANTED
n response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Great Northern Distillery of 496 Great Northern Highway, Millendon in the Swan Valley – Kimberley Rum Co. is currently making hand sanitiser to service local front-line workers during nation-wide shortages. Please consider donating any 1L or 4L containers or bottles you have laying around so we can continue to distribute hand sanitiser to front line personnel. Your contribution will be helping people who are trying to save lives. Your first responders thank you! Containers will need to be washed in hot soapy water and have lids. There will be a donation box out the front of Great Northern Distillery, accessible from the car park. If you work in a front-line essential service (health services, aged care, education etc) please send an enquiry to email@ canefire.net and we will do our best to supply as much as possible. www.canefire.net.
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WE HAVE MOVED
Now Open
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COMMUNITY Compassionate Friends of Western Australia strives Tthathetochild’s support families who have lost a child, regardless of age throughout WA.
We are a non-profit, non-government funded charity that provide peer call support, group meetings, a drop in centre, sending out quarterly newsletters, Anniversary Cards, we hold Walk of remembrance and a candlelight service (non-religious) at Christmas. We are run by volunteers and bereaved parents that are further along in their grief and wish to help others who have suffered this tragedy. Although everybody’s grief is different it helps to talk to someone who has actually had this tragedy happen to them. They WON”T say “I know how you feel” as no one can, but they will say “I don’t know exactly what you are feeling but this is how I felt when my child died”.
We raise funds by holding events, charity drives and donation from our members and outside bodies. Although this is fantastic, we still struggle with the cost of keeping our doors open so any suggestion on fundraising or donations are gratefully accepted.
events along with peer support volunteers (bereaved parents) for telephone support and group meeting facilitation. WALK OF REMEMBRANCE HELD IN MARCH EACH YEAR Events like these above give the bereaved some hope of a life after the death of their child. They connect with others that have been through the same tragic experience. In doing so its helps them to feel that they are not alone in their grief, that there is a worldwide connection to other suffering the same. DONATIONS Donations allow us to purchase stamps so we can send our booklets and other information to the newly bereaved, community groups, doctors surgeries and hospital throughout Western Australia. They help us cover advertising cost in newspapers throughout Western Australia, pay for our office and utilities allowing us to have Peer Support Workers come in and contact to bereaved that wish to have contact.
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED We are always looking for volunteers to help man Sausage Sizzles, Charity Shopping Centre Drives and other
54 Simpson Street, Ardross 6107 6257
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The Compassionate Friends of WA Inc. receives no Government funding in any way.
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