the best parents handbook by Han Leng

The Best Parents Handbook A Parenting Guide for LGBTQ Families compiled and edited by Han Leng

The Best Parents Handbook

What are Your Options

The Best Parents Handbook

We are all different from one another, but we all have the same human rights. â&#x20AC;&#x201D;UN secretary-General Ban Ki-moon

The Best Parents Handbook A Parenting Guide for LGBTQ Families compiled and edited by Han Leng

chris.lenghan@gmail.com This book is a non-commercial project for education. Design / Han Leng Illustration / Han Leng Class / Thesis 3 Instructor / Carolina De Bartolo All rights are reserved. No par of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording, photocopying or otherwise, without prior permission of Han Leng.

Contents

The Best LGBTQ Parents

Whichever option gay and lesbian couples decide is best for them in order to have children, the most important values are that children are raised in a safe, secure and loving environment. It is significant that both parents are responsible adults and are able to meet the needs of their child or children.

What are your Options?

Although adoption or fostering may be an option for some people, many have an overwhelming desire to have their own biological child, even if the child has only half of their parent’s genes.

Learn Gender Identities with Your Kids

Gender identity is one’s personal experience of one’s own gender. Gender identity can correlate with assigned sex at birth, or can differ from it completely.

Let’s Talk About Sex

What should kids call their private parts? How do I explain where babies come from? Should I give my child a heads up about puberty? When should we have the “big talk”?

The Best LGBTQ Parents Whichever option gay and lesbian couples decide is best for them in order to have children, the most important values are that children are raised in a safe, secure and loving environment. It is significant that both parents are responsible adults and are able to meet the needs of their child or children.

Children need to be provided with consistency and security. The gender of each of their parents is not whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s important. What they can provide for the child is what matters. Many studies have shown that same-sex parents are just as capable as heterosexual parents at raising happy, well adjusted, well rounded children. Researchers at the University of Melbourne found that children of same-sex parents fared better in health and well-being than children with heterosexual parents. The children from same-sex parent families scored around 6% higher on general health and family cohesion compared to those of heterosexual parents. Some suggest having same-sex parents creates happier and healthier children. It seems the only disadvantage that children may face from having same-sex parents is experiencing bullying or discrimination. This is something that cannot always be avoided in a childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life regardless of their parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; gender. Other minority groups may also face bullying and discrimination.

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However, schools are becoming increasingly aware of the difficulties that children with same-sex parents may be facing and are taking action to control bullying, however bullying cannot always be avoided and can happen to any child regardless of family dynamics. Society is becoming more accepting of non-tradition families, however there are unfortunately still many people who refuse to accept them and refuse to see that same-sex parents can offer children adequate parenting. Attitudes towards same-sex parents vary considerably between countries and even within the same country. It is more likely that more urban diverse areas will be tolerant and accepting of non-traditional families than more rural areas. Studies have shown that same-sex parents raise more empathetic and understanding children. It is suggested this is possibly because of the personal understanding they have that judging others is unfair. Studies have also shown that children of same-sex parents have a better sense of well-being, it is suggested that this could have something to do with the way their parents donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t default to gender stereotypes.

The Best LGBTQ Parents

What are your Options? Being a gay man or couple does not have to mean going through life without having a family of your own. There are many options for gay men wanting to become parents. Although adoption or fostering may be an option for some people, many have an overwhelming desire to have their own biological child, even if the child has only half of their parentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s genes. Some gay men may wish to pass on their genes by donating sperm without the parental or financial responsibility. While for those wishing to parent their own biological child, options include co-parenting and surrogacy.

Adoption If you are considering adopting a child, you are in very good company! There are an estimated 2 million LGBTQ adults in the U.S. who want to parent children, many via adoption. There are numerous ingredients that go into successful adoptions. Here are 8 questions you should ask yourself before you begin the process. If you are comfortable with your answers to these questions, congratulations! You are probably ready to begin the adoption process.

Here are Four Options for Adopting a Child: •

State or Public Agency Adoption. Plan to adopt a child who is in foster care from the public child welfare system. These children tend to be older and have been removed from their birthparents due to abuse or neglect. A series of classes on how to successfully parent these children is often required.

•

Agency Open Adoption. Plan an open adoption through an adoption agency.

•

Open Independent Adoption. Set out on your own to find birth parents who want or need to place their child in an adoption and complete that adoption through an attorney.

•

International adoption. Adopt a child from another country through an agency or independently.

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Here have 8 Questions to Ask Before Starting the Adoption Process: 1. Public or private agency? Public child welfare agencies are government entities that provide a safety net for families. Each county and jurisdiction has its own department of social services responsible for caring for children and youth in foster care and those unable to be reunited with their first families are often available for adoption. Many state, county and city public child welfare offices recognize that LGBTQ applicants are excellent prospects to parent youth in their care. The disadvantages of public agencies are the bureaucracies involved and the lengthy period it can take to complete the process. The advantages are the very low (or no) cost to adopt and the occasional, short-term financial stipends to help you support your new child. Private agencies are licensed and regulated by the state they reside in and are often non-profits. Many LGBTQ adults choose to adopt through private adoption agencies, especially those agencies with demonstrated sensitivity to LGBTQ applicants. While these adoptions can be costly, applicants are often treated very well and can exercise some control over the type of infant or youth they adopt. 2. What child is right for me/us? Think carefully about the type of child you feel most able to parent. Please remember that adopting a child is primarily for the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s benefit, not yours. If she has physical, emotional, or mental challenges, will she eventually thrive with you as her parent? If he has a high need for attention, are you prepared to let him have the spotlight? Would you consider adopting a child who comes with a sister or brother? Are you adamant that you must adopt a girl, not a boy or vice versa? Are you prepared to parent a straight teenager? Or are you pretty open to the kinds of children needing a safe, loving and permanent home? The more flexible you are, the greater the chances of success for both you and your child!

What are Your Options?

3. Do you have the necessary investments child-rearing requires? These investments are far more than buying clothes, giving a weekly allowance, or saving for college, although those are important. Can you provide unconditional love to a child? Are you willing to get interested in activities for which your child shows aptitude? Can you be your childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s educational advocate with the school system? Can you lovingly establish, and enforce, reasonable limits? Are you ready to be completely out to your child? If you are partnered, will both of you share these commitments to your new child? If you answered yes to these, you are probably ready to make the necessary investments in the child. 4. Do you have the patience to wait for your child to show you love? Some children, especially those older than age 5 or so, have a hard time bonding with, and trusting new adults. Are you ready for your new older child to have a very healthy dose of skepticism about you and your commitment to them? Are you prepared to wait for them to return your love? 5. Do you have the social and community resources around you that will help you and them along the way? Will your friends and family embrace the new family unit? Does your community (i.e., LGBTQ resources, spiritual center, schools) offer events and groups that could be valuable to you and your child? Is there an active LGBTQ parent support group in the area? 6. Are you patient enough to successfully complete pre- and postadoption placement counseling? All agencies, public and private, will require you to complete some counseling before and after you adopt. Do you welcome that support or do you view it as intrusive and unwelcome?

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7. Are you ready to be 100% honest and transparent with the agency worker? The worker will evaluate you, your home, financial records, employers, family, medical and psychiatric history, criminal background and so forth to see if you are likely to become a good parent. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s important to understand that the agency worker is not looking for perfect parents. She or he is looking for your honesty and a reasonably good match with a child in need of a loving home. 8. Have you had a major life event in the past 12 months? For instance, have you separated from or lost a partner, moved across the country, experienced the death of someone close, lost your job, married your new love, suffered a significant illness or accepted major new job duties? If so please let your significant life events settle in for a while, then re-evaluate whether or not you still want to adopt. Avoid adopting as a remedy for or as an add-on to another major life event. The adoption process is a major life event in its own right. It is unwise to couple it with another life event. For same-sex couples, it is often the case that there is only one legal parent even though two people may equally parent the child and think of themselves as co-parents. This is because the status as a legal parent is automatically conveyed to the parent who has a biological connection to a child, such as a biological mom or biological dad. Similarly, while some couples raise an adopted child together, only one of them may have officially become the adoptive parent because some agencies prohibit same-sex couples from adopting together but permit an LGBTQ individual to do so. A second-parent adoption allows a second parent to adopt a child without the â&#x20AC;&#x153;first parentâ&#x20AC;? losing any parental rights. In this way, the child comes to have two legal parents. It also typically grants adoptive parents the same rights as biological parents in custody and visitation matters.

What are Your Options?

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What to Do if Second-Parent Adoption is Unavailable Not all states allow second parent adoptions. If second-parent adoption is unavailable where you live, you should prepare a written co-parenting agreement or a custody agreement with your partner. At least, you should gather other evidence that can prove that you are a family. It is important to recognize that these steps, which are described below, are not guaranteed to secure your parental rights because courts are not required to uphold such agreements but, rather, consider the best interest of the child the primary concern. But many attorneys recommend that you complete such agreements anyway so that they may be used to demonstrate you intention to the court in the event a custody dispute develops. Because family law varies from state to state, it is recommended that you consult an attorney familiar with these issues in your state for help drawing up such documents. But if you are unable to do so, you still can compose one on your own that may withstand a legal dispute as long as you and your partner both sign and date it. It also is recommended that you have such an agreement witnessed by another and, if possible, notarized.

A Co-Parenting Agreement Co-parenting agreements state that while only one of you is considered the legal parent, both of you consider yourselves equal co-parents with shared rights and responsibilities to care for your child. Such agreements also typically spell out how these joint rights and responsibilities will be carried out around the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s medical care, financial support and legal inheritance. They also specify how the couple will share custody in the event of a break-up and how they would manage disputes.

What are Your Options?

A Custody Agreement Custody agreements are similar to prenuptial agreements in that they outline ahead of time how you agree to conduct yourself during your relationship and how to behave in the event of a break-up. Alternatively, some couples manage to develop such agreements after deciding to separate, especially if their separation is an amicable one. In either event, preparing a custody agreement with your partner can provide a nonlegal parent with a much greater degree of control in the event of a separation.

Factors to Address •

Who will the child live with?

•

Who will make major decision such as health care and schooling decisions for your child?

•

Will the child spend part of the week (month or year) living with one parent and live part with another? And will both parents share in making major decisions?

•

How will you both provide for your child’s medical and educational needs?

•

In what religion, if any, do you plan your child to be raised?

•

What financial, familial or other resources you both will offer?

•

How you will resolve disputes?

•

What you will do if either parent moves?

•

What will you do if one of you violates the agreement?

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Other Evidence to Prove You Are a Family While a nonlegal parent may have a custody or visitation petition rejected without even a hearing in many states, some states have recently recognized a new legal concept that has alternately been called “psychological parenthood,”“de facto parenthood” or “parenthood by estoppel.” This has granted non-legal lesbian parents visitation privileges in recognition that they did, indeed, have a very close relationship, if not a legal one, with the child.

What Courts Look For Among the conditions that some courts have looked for in establishing psychological parenthood are the following: •

The non-legal parent lived with the child.

•

The non-legal parent took on a parental role by accepting significant responsibility for the child’s care and development without the expectation of pay or other compensation.

•

The legal parent consented to and fostered the non-legal parent’s relationship with the child.

•

The non-legal parent’s relationship with the child formed over a sufficiently long period of time so that the child feels a bond with the non-legal parent.

What are Your Options?

What You Should Keep Because not all courts recognize custody or visitation claims based on psychological or de facto parenthood, and because de facto parenthood represents very new legal territory, no one should rely on this new theory as a basis for custody or visitation claims. Nonetheless, keeping a record of the ways in which you have satisfied the conditions listed above can help you make a strong claim for psychological parenthood should that be your only avenue for obtaining visitation privileges. Here are some things to keep: Domestic partnership registration Records of your shared planning for pregnancy and birth or adoption Health care proxies Powers of attorneys Reciprocal wills Co-parenting agreements Records of expenditures on the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s and the familyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s behalf Photos, letters, email and records of your involvement with the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s religious, cultural, day care, scholastic or extracurricular activities. While written agreements are important in the event of a custody dispute, it is worth remembering that courts also consider the most simple and practical facts when making custody decisions, namely: Have you behaved as a parent? To offer an extreme example, adults who have been out socializing every night are likely to be looked upon less favorably in custody disputes than adults who have been home with his or her child, carrying out everyday parenting duties.

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The bottom line, as one attorney with extensive experience on this issue suggests, is not to constantly try to prove you are a parent. It is to be a good parent. Then if there is a custody dispute, you will be in the best position to say your sexual orientation, if raised as an issue, is irrelevant because you are a good parent.

How Much Does Adoption Cost? According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, adoptions can cost anywhere from $0 to over $40,000 depending on the type of adoption pursued. Possible adoptions include: •

Foster Care Adoptions: $0–$2,500

•

Licensed Private Agency Adoptions: $5,000–$40,000+

•

Independent Adoptions: $8,000–$40,000+

•

Facilitated/Unlicensed Adoptions: $5,000–$40,000+

•

International Adoptions: $7,000–$30,000

On average, second parent adoptions—which many same-sex parents need to complete-cost from $2,000 to $3,000 including home study expenses which range between $1,000 and $2,000 and legal fees of approximately $1,000. Federal Adoption Tax Credit A federal adoption tax credit of $13,400 per child is available for domestic adoptions. The credit increases for domestic adoptions of children with special needs. People earning more than $201,010 or more in adjusted gross income receive a reduced tax credit. People earning $241,010 or more receive no tax credit. (These figures are for 2015. Limits are adjusted for inflation and may change from year to year.)

What are Your Options?

Several states also offer tax credits for couples adopting children from the stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s child welfare system. To learn if your state offers a tax credit, contact your state department of taxation, tax attorney or state adoption specialist. Employer Adoption Benefit Programs Ask if your employer offers: (A) financial assistance through reimbursement of a portion of adoption expenses. (B) paid or unpaid leave time. (C) employee Assistance Program with adoption information and referral services. Federal Family and Medical Leave Act The Federal Family and Medical Leave Act guarantees that employees who adopt can take up to 12 weeks of leave with no interruption in health benefits if they meet the following conditions: (A) They have worked for at least the last 12 months for the same employer. (B) They worked at least 1,250 hours over the previous 12 months. (C) They work for an employer who has 50 or more employees. Military Subsidies If you are an active-duty member of the military, you may be eligible for reimbursement of up to $2,000 in one-time domestic or international adoption costs, according to the National Endowment for Financial Education. If you adopt a child with disabilities, he or she also may be eligible for up to $1,000 a month in assistance under the militaryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Program for Persons with Disabilities.

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The Challenges LGBTQ people have successfully adopted children through each of these methods. However, each road poses its own challenges. For example, in the past some prospective LGBTQ parents who pursue an agency open adoption have found that there is a hierarchy of preferred parents for a child, and they are not on top. As a result, they are only offered children with special needs, while non-LGBT people are offered the younger, healthier children. (As April Martin has noted, this means that the most skillful parenting is required of the LGBTQ parents entrusted with these children.) It is important to thoroughly research agencies to ensure you will be welcome, and their protocol is compatible with your adoption needs.

The Good News More and more birth parents are choosing same-sex couples over different-sex couples and many private agencies report an increase in placements with our community. Again, choosing an agency that you know will positively represent you to birth parents is essential, and even if the â&#x20AC;&#x153;waiting periodâ&#x20AC;? feels lengthy you can be confident that the agency is doing their best. It is also important to talk to other LGBTQ adoptive parents in your community about their experiences and for agency recommendations. Some who pursue an independent open adoption risk heartbreak as they go through great effort to track down birth parents only to encounter repeated rejection from those who do not want to deal with them because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. However, as mentioned above, an increasing number of birthparents are openly choosing same-sex couples.

What are Your Options?

At this point, it is very difficult to pursue an international adoption as an openly same-sex couple, or as an openly single LGBTQ person. Many of the countries that have children for adoption are extremely prejudiced against LGBTQ people, and either have explicit laws or policies or implicit cultural or societal “codes” that are against LGBTQ adoption. Presently, even the most welcoming agencies are exercising

All human beings are born free and equal in dignityand rights. —Article 1 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights

extreme caution about representing any LGBTQ people for international adoption because the process in general is becoming more challenging and even non-LGB couples are likely to face increased barriers. This decision does not reflect the agency’s position in favor of adoption by LGBTQ adults, but is based on the realities of the regulations and laws governing international adoption. Keep in mind that prospective parents’ experiences do vary greatly because other people’s understanding about LGBTQ parents varies greatly. For example, one person’s great adoption experience in Washington DC, may be countered by another’s impossible experience in Colorado. But every day, more and more LGBTQ people are adopting children who need a good and loving home, and you could be one of them.

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Notes

What are Your Options

Fostering Nearly 400,000 children and youth are currently in foster care in the U.S. LGBTQ youth are over-represented among the population of young people in foster care. Every day foster care agencies across the country search for safe and affirming homes for LGBTQ youth. Caring adults can make a real difference in the lives of these young people by becoming foster parents. This page provides some basic information about foster parenting.

What is Foster Care? Children and youth in foster care have been temporarily placed with families outside of their own home due to experiences of child abuse or neglect. This means that, for many, their homes have been broken by death, divorce, drugs, alcohol, physical or sexual abuse, illness or financial hardship. LGBTQ youth in foster care have often experienced family rejection because of their LGBTQ identity. The goal of foster parenting is to provide a safe, stable, nurturing environment. Foster parenting requires courage, empathy, patience and tenacity as well as love.

What To Prepare For Like any big commitment, there are many things to consider when thinking about becoming a foster parent. One of the most important things a foster parent needs to be prepared for is having a child in your home and then having them leave. Nearly half of all children in foster care have an end goal to be reunited with their families. In situations where reunification is not the goal, adoption through foster care may be an option. Empathy, patience and preparation are necessities for foster parents. Many children and youth come into the foster care system with histories of trauma which can lead to emotional and behavior health challenges. Foster families should learn about and prepare to help young people cope with their feelings of abandonment, experiencing abuse and a lack of nurturing. Click here for more food for thought when considering foster parenting.

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Steps To Becoming A Foster Parent Requirements for becoming a foster parent differ from state to state. However, there are some universal requirements such as: being 21 years of age or older; passing a criminal background check; and completing a successful homestudy and training. Below are the basic steps to becoming a foster parent as outlined by the National Foster Parent Association. These steps are standard no matter where you decide to foster parent. Complete an application for a family home license. Complete a background check, a criminal history check and finger printing of each adult member of the household. Have a stable and supportive family. Complete a homestudy and interview. Provide character references. Be 21 years of age or older. Complete training before you may receive your license.

Finding an Agency While the names may vary, you need to contact the government agency in your state that is responsible for foster care. It might be called “The Department of Human Resources,””The Division of Children and Family Services,””The Department of Social Services” or something similar. For the easiest way to find the foster care agency in your state, go to the National Foster Care & Adoption Directory Search maintained by the Child Welfare Information Gateway. •

For tips specific to finding an LGBTQ-inclusive agency, check out this page.

•

Review HRC’s list of agencies committed to LGBTQ-inclusion.

•

Learn about state LGBTQ adoption and foster care laws here.

What are Your Options?

Foster Parenting & Finances The decision to become a foster parent includes several financial considerations. In most cases, foster parents receive a set reimbursement to help with expenses while a child is in their home. The monthly stipend ranges from $200 to $700, depending on the age of the child and the state and county you are in. Most states also provide small clothing allowances and some day care or day camp funds. Foster children also are covered under your county, state and federal welfare health benefits for their medical and dental needs.

Deciding If A Placement Is The Right Fit There are many questions that you will want answered when considering a specific young person, or a sibling group, for a foster care placement at your home. Watch this video from AdoptUSKids to learn more about young people in foster care. Here are a few of the basics questions youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll want answered: What is the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s name, age, race, gender and sexuality? Why is the child being placed? What is the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s medical history and current medical needs? What was the last school attended? And how was the child performing in school? Are there any known behavioral issues or safety considerations (e.g., gang affiliation, sexually acting out, setting fires, stealing or lying)? Has the child been in foster care before? In how many homes? What was the average length of stay? And why?

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What are Your Options?

Five Things You Need To Know About Foster Care 1. Foster home placements are temporary and they are absolutely critical to the well-being of children and youth. Children and youth in foster care have been temporarily placed with families outside of their own home due to experiences of child abuse or neglect. Whenever possible, the goal will be reunificationâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;returning the child to their family of origin. Foster homes provide critically needed safety and stability to young people during very difficult and often traumatic times. 2. Across this country, we need to increase the number of safe, stable, and supportive foster homesâ&#x20AC;Ś now. Nearly 400,000 children and youth are in foster care in the U.S. today. This includes youth who live in foster homes as well as those living in group homes, emergency shelters, residential facilities and child care institutions. Many states (see examples in ME, MT, CA) across the country do not have enough foster homes for children and youth in care so these young people are forced to be placed in the other less homelike settings. 3. You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need to be an experienced parent, perfect, or rich to be a foster parent. Requirements to become a foster parent vary from state to state, however, a few are constant: you need to be 21 years-old or older; pass a criminal background check; and complete a successful home study and training. Training is part of the process in order to provide foster parent applicants with the knowledge needed to support young people in their care. And it is not necessary to have a large amount of disposable income. In most cases, foster parents receive a set reimbursement to help with expenses while a child is in their home. Most states also provide clothing allowances, day care or day camp funds, too.

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4. You don’t need to be straight and cisgender to be a foster parent either. Increasingly, LGBTQ adults and families are welcoming foster children into their homes. Foster care agencies across the country are working to better serve LGBTQ foster parents. In March of this year, Nebraska suspended its policy barring same-sex couples from becoming foster parents– no state has an explicit ban on LGBT foster parenting. President Obama recently made it clear that LGBTQ individuals and couples should be considered by agencies searching for qualified foster parents with this unequivocal statement: “With so many children waiting for loving homes, it is important to ensure all qualified caregivers have the opportunity to serve as foster or adoptive parents, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, or marital status.” Especially given the large number of LGBTQ youth in foster care in need of affirming foster placements, LGBTQ adults can play a pivotal role in supporting young people in foster care. 5. Foster parenting is never easy but it could just be the best choice you ever make. Foster parenting is challenging—it takes patience, empathy, tenacity and love. Some of the challenges are outlined here. Among them are the temporary nature of foster care and the myriad needs foster children and youth present, requiring foster parents to be strong advocates. Two foster dads from Missouri, Derek and Justin, explain, “These kids are dealing with serious trauma and need more than just hugs and toys to make them healthy and able to contribute to society. They need actual parents who can stick with them through whatever they dish out.” Derek and Justin also want you to know that foster parenting is extremely rewarding. In fact, they feel that “Becoming foster parents has been, without a doubt, one of the best choices we’ve ever made.”

What are Your Options

Is Foster Parenting for You? Children are placed in your home on a temporary basis. Their stay could be as short as one night or as long as several years. •

There are opportunities for adoption but they are not guaranteed. The goal of most state and private placement agencies is to reunite the child with his or her family as quickly as is safe and feasible.

•

Your house may be the latest stop for a child who has been in the system for some time and may have been to many homes, some good, some not so good. This is especially true for older youth. Young people in foster care often develop defense mechanisms that can make it tough for anyone to get through to them.

•

Children in foster care are often the victims of neglect or abuse. These traumatic experiences can lead to emotional and behavioral problems that can disrupt your household.

•

Foster parents often need to care and advocate for foster youth around their medical needs, including issues related to physical and developmental disabilities.

The rewards to foster parenting are countless. Two foster dads from Missouri, Derek and Justin, say “Becoming foster parents has been, without a doubt, one of the best choices we’ve ever made.” Below are just a few of the reasons to open up your home and your life to a young person in need: •

These children need you. Right now, there is a critical shortage of adoptive and foster parents in the United States.

•

They want you. LGBTQ youth are especially in need of welcoming and affirming foster homes where they will be accepted for who they are.

•

You can make a difference. Some of the hardest children to find foster homes for are LGBTQ teens; young people questioning their sexual identity; and babies born with HIV. LGBTQ adults are in a unique situation to help these young people.

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Notes

What are Your Options?

Donor insemination for Lesbians The Basics There are two methods on conception: intracervical insemination (ICI) and intrauterine insemination (IUI). Here are the key differences between them: Intracervical Insemination The sperm is placed just inside the woman’s cervical opening through the use of a speculum and syringe. •

It can be performed at home or in a doctor’s office.

•

It is less expensive than intrauterine insemination

Intrauterine Insemination The sperm is placed just inside a woman’s uterus, using a flexible catheter. •

It can only be performed in a doctor’s office.

•

It is more expensive than intracervical insemination. But it tends to lead to a pregnancy more quickly.

Known vs. Unknown Donor The first choice anyone considering donor insemination must make is do you want to become pregnant through a friend or acquaintance (that is, a “known donor”) or through someone you find through a sperm bank (an “unknown donor”). Known Donor Here is a brief overview of the advantages and risks involved in choosing a known donor followed by some of the precautions you should take if you pursue this path.

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Advantages •

You know what the donor looks like and acts like.

•

As he or she grows up, your child can develop a relationship with the donor.

•

The donor may be genetically linked to the non-biological mother, guaranteeing her some biological connection to the child.

Risks •

If a known donor later develops strong feelings for your child, you, or if you have a partner, she, could lose custody or have it curtailed.

•

The man you choose could be HIV-positive or have another serious transmittable disease that he might pass on to your child.

•

This is why so many experts recommend that women choose an unknown donor. While they pose their own disadvantages, they do protect you from the legal risks of a custody battle and greatly reduce the risk of your child’s exposure to HIV and other viruses.

Precautions •

Asking your donor to go to a sperm bank, where his specimen can be quarantined and tested for HIV and other diseases; and

•

Learning what experts recommend as the best tactics for protecting yourself legally.

Unknown Donor Using a sperm bank typically does not offer your child the opportunity to know the donor, at least, perhaps, until after the age of 18. But in many ways, it remains a safer alternative than becoming pregnant through someone you know.

What are Your Options?

Intracervical Insemination (ICI)

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intrauterine insemination (IUI)

What are Your Options

Nucleocapsid Protein p7 Protease Gapsid Protein p24

Phospholipid Envelope Reverse Transcriptase

Viral RNA Genome

Docking Glycoprotein gp120

Matrix Protein p17 Transmembrane Glycoprotein gp41

Practical Advantages •

Reduced Risk of HIV/AIDS Accredited banks quarantine a semen sample for six months before releasing it to any woman. The reason: When a man is exposed to HIV, he may not develop any antibodies for as long as six to eight weeks and, thereby, may unknowingly put others at risk. By quarantining all specimens, a sperm bank allows plenty of time for thorough testing for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

•

Ability to Control Your Child’s Exposure to Problematic Genes With a sperm bank, you can choose your donor based on a clean bill of health, or, at least, a clear-headed evaluation of the donor’s comprehensive medical history.

•

Reduced Risk of Custody Challenges In some states, when a woman has a child with the help of a male friend or acquaintance, she exposes herself to potential custody challenges. But when she has a child with the help of an anonymous donor found through a sperm bank, she is shielded from those challenges because unknown donors surrender all their parenting rights.

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Selecting Sperm Banks and Unknown Donors The National Infertility Association recommends the following questions when choosing a sperm bank: Do you keep a medical history on the donor? How long do you keep these records? Do you offer a service where adult children conceived through donor insemination can have access to the donorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s medical records if necessary? How much non-identifying information about the donor do you provide to the consumer? Do you keep track of the number of pregnancies achieved per donor? Do you require the donor to stay in your program for a specific time or provide a minimum number of donations in a six-month period? What are the costs to store pre-purchased, reserved specimens? Can I purchase and store sperm so that I can use the same donor for a second child? If the specimen received is inadequate (poor motility, abnormal morphology or low count), what is the sperm bankâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s responsibility? Does your information on each donor include: Religious background Ethnic/cultural background Educational background Physical characteristics

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Do you screen for: Sickle Cell Anemia Hepatitis B Hepatitis C HIV (AIDS) Cytomegalovirus Chlamydia Mycoplasma hominis Syphilis Tay-Sachs Genital warts Gonorrhea How often are the screening tests repeated? Do you check the donorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s blood type? Do you test the donor for HIV? Do you use a donorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sperm before he tests negative for HIV/AIDS? Do you follow the recommendation of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) for holding specimens for 180 days before retesting for HIV and only then using the specimen? Do you do genetic testing on donors? What is the minimum age of your donors?

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Selecting An Unknown Donor This process typically involves three steps: (A) Review the “catalog” of donors; (B) Request the “short profile” on donors that interest you; (C) Order a “long profile” on donors that seriously interest you. Some banks also provide additional background, through audiotaped interviews with the donor, photo-matching services and interviews with staff. The “Catalog” The first step in choosing a donor is to review the sperm bank’s catalog of donors. Many banks have these catalogs on the web. Others require that you call and request one. All provide basically the same general information about their donors, including: Race/ethnicity (Irish, Cuban, Japanese, etc.) Skin: (dark, medium, fair, freckles, etc.) Hair: (black, curly and thick; straight blond, etc.) Eye color Height Weight Blood type How do you choose? Lesbian couples often begin by trying to match the donor’s characteristics with the nonbiological mother’s so that the child will resemble both of them.

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The “Short Profile” After you identify those donors whose basic physical characteristics interest you, the next step is to gather more information by requesting what banks often call the short form of their donor profile. This information, which some banks also provide on the web, includes information such as: Date of birth Education Occupation Body type and physical characteristics, such as dimples, etc. Religion Family medical history Medical test results conducted in the sperm bank And the donor’s answers to questions about his: Skills (math, mechanical, athletic, artistic) Languages spoken Hobbies and talents Personality Goals and ambitions in life Reasons for wanting to be a sperm donor Message to those receiving his donation

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The “Long Profile” and Comprehensive Medical History After examining a short profile, you should have a reasonable idea of which donor interests you on more than a physical level. Then it’s time to ask for a long profile, for which banks will usually charge you a moderate fee. This profile includes a comprehensive medical history and other important facts about the donor and his family, including: Details about the donor’s diet, exercise, medications, average alcohol consumption, smoking history and so on. The physical characteristics, education, occupation, skills and personality of the donor, his parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Detailed information about any medical problems the donor and his extended family members have faced. For example, the California Cryobank Inc. provides a medical history over three generations about the following topics. Cardiovascular conditions, such as heart attacks, high blood pressure, etc. Blood conditions, such as anemia, leukemia, etc. Respiratory conditions, such as asthma, pneumonia, lung cancer. Skin conditions, such as acne, skin cancer. Gastrointestinal conditions, such as ulcers, colon cancer, hepatitis. Urinary conditions, such as kidney disease, bladder disease, etc. Genital/reproductive conditions, such as breast or ovarian cancer. Metabolic/endocrine conditions, such as diabetes, thyroid disease. Neurological conditions, such as cerebral palsy, learning disorders. Mental health conditions, such as schizophrenia, severe depression. Muscle/bone/joint conditions, such as muscular dystrophy, osteoporosis, etc. Sight/sound/smell disorders, such as significant hearing loss, glaucoma, etc. Other conditions, such as alcoholism, drug abuse, etc.

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Photo Matching, Audiotapes, Interviews with Staff In addition to their extensive profiles, some sperm banks also offer these special services to help you choose a donor who is right for you: Photo Matching Many couples who choose donor insemination wish to have a child who resembles both parents. As a result, many try to find a donor who resembles the non-biological mother. Some do this by simply choosing a donor with a similar ethnic background. Others go one step further and search for a donor who actually looks like her. Audiotapes Some banks offer audio-taped interviews with the donor, which allow you to make your own observations about his personality, intelligence and affability. Interviews with Staff Another option is getting through to the staff biologist or donor interviews to delve deeper.

Insurance Coverage for Fertility Services Health insurance companies generally only pay for alternative insemination when a woman has a diagnosis of infertility - that is, when it is considered “medically necessary.” There are different definitions of infertility. The most common and traditional one is when there has been 12 months of unprotected intercourse without conception. Depending on a woman’s age, some insurance companies reduce that to six months of unprotected intercourse - or inseminations (performed in a doctor’s office, not at home). If you are uncertain about what your health insurance policy covers, you can call the customer representative and ask: What infertility treatments are covered? What is the definition of infertility? How is it documented? Does the policy cover insemination for same-sex couples?

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Known Donor Agreement When a woman finds a donor through a sperm bank, she does not need a donor agreement. Typically called an unknown or known donor, this man will have signed an agreement with the sperm bank and surrendered any parental rights in the process. As a result, the woman does not have to worry that this man may later change his mind and try to claim that he is the father and deserves visitation or even custody of the child. Even if he does, there is little chance he will have any legal ground to stand on. In contrast, when a woman wishes to become pregnant through a known donor, such as a friend or an acquaintance, there is a greater risk that the donor may later claim a parental relationship to the child. In such situations, attorneys highly recommend that a woman consult an attorney and that both she and the prospective donor sign a donor agreement before she begins the process of donor insemination. This agreement is designed to define the role and responsibilities, if any, the man will have with the child. Generally speaking, there are two types of donor agreements: One that is used in counties or states where second-parent adoption is available, and one in counties or states where second-parent adoption is unavailable. Both forms are provided here with this difference between them: Where second-parent adoption is available, the agreement states that the donor agrees in advance to consent to the adoption by the second or non-biological lesbian parent and agrees to the termination of all parental rights of his own. (Some states allow the donor to have some diminished role in the childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life, if requested and agreed upon.) Attorneys consider this the preferred agreement if the choice is available to you.

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Whichever form you use, it should be noted that this area of the law is extremely fluid, and it is difficult to predict whether a particular judge will honor such an agreement. In some situations, for example, men who have signed such agreements have later changed their minds, sought a parental role in the childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lives and judges have granted it-essentially declaring that they were the legal fathers, despite the agreement they signed with the mothers. You also should note that donor insemination laws vary from state to state. For example, in some states, you are required to be under the care of a physician. Your attorney can tell you if this is required where you live.

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Notes

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Surrogacy for Gay Men There are two types of surrogacyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;traditional surrogacy and gestational surrogacy. In traditional surrogacy, a surrogate mother is artificially inseminated, either by the intended father or an anonymous donor, and carries the baby to term. The child is thereby genetically related to both the surrogate mother, who provides the egg, and the intended father or anonymous donor. In gestational surrogacy, an egg is removed from the intended mother or an anonymous donor and fertilized with the sperm of the intended father or anonymous donor. The fertilized egg, or embryo, is then transferred to a surrogate who carries the baby to term. The child is thereby genetically related to the woman who donated the egg and the intended father or sperm donor, but not the surrogate. Some lesbian couples find gestational surrogacy attractive because it permits one woman to contribute her egg and the other to carry the child. Traditional surrogacy is more controversial than gestational surrogacy, in large part because the biological relationship between the surrogate and the child often complicates the facts of the case if parental rights or the validity of the surrogacy agreement are challenged. As a result, most states prohibit traditional surrogacy agreements. Additionally, many states that permit surrogacy agreements prohibit compensation beyond the payment of medical and legal expenses incurred as a result of the surrogacy agreement.

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Finding a Surrogate Sometimes a family member or friend offers to be a surrogate. This can greatly reduce the cost of surrogacy. However, because not everyone knows a woman in a position to volunteer to be a surrogate, most people find a surrogate through other means. There are many full-service agencies/firms that will match intended parents to surrogates. When choosing an agency, it is imperative to research the agencyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s history. Important questions to ask include how fees are determined and how surrogates are screened. If possible, it is often helpful to speak to former clients of the agency. A selection of sample questions that parents should ask includes: Is the agency responsive to clients? For example, are they prompt in returning calls and e-mails? Is there more than one person who can respond if the parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; primary contact is away or busy? Does the firm operate as a team? Regarding screening of potential surrogates: Do they meet the surrogate in person? Do they evaluate her home environment or is the screening limited solely to a telephone or office interview? Do they do reference checks? Do they routinely do criminal background checks? What kind of information do they obtain about the surrogate candidateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s prior pregnancies to minimize the risk that this will be a high-risk pregnancy?

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Some parents choose to search for a surrogate independently. In this case, it is of the utmost importance that both intended parents and surrogates obtain legal advice before making any agreements or signing any contracts. A clear contract can prevent many potential conflicts during the process. Intended parents should also research a potential surrogateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s history to make sure that there is no cause for concern. Additionally, many states that allow gestational surrogacy prohibit traditional surrogacy and/or compensated surrogacy agreements as a caution against perceived coercion.

Surrogacy Qualifications Most surrogacy agencies and fertility clinics require surrogates to meet the following general qualifications: Be in good physical and mental health; Have been ever carried and delivered at least one child; Have had pregnancies that were all free of complications and were full-term; Be less than 43 years of age (some clinics will accept older woman in certain circumstances; others have younger age cut-offs for all surrogates); Be in a stable living situation; and Not smoke or abuse alcohol.

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Surrogacy Laws and Legal Considerations The laws governing surrogacy agreements vary from state to state. They can also differ with regard to traditional and gestational surrogacy, as well as a stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s view on LGBTQ parents. Legal Considerations For those who decide that surrogacy is the right option for building a family, it is important to obtain legal services throughout the surrogacy process. An attorney needs to be retained to create a contract between the intended parents and the surrogate, often referred to as the surrogacy agreement. IVF (in vitro fertilization) clinics require a surrogacy agreement to be in place prior to beginning any medical procedures. The purpose of the contract is to answer many of the questions that may arise during pregnancy such as who will have custody of the child if something were to happen to the intended parents prior to the birth. The contract is not only in place in the event of a dispute, but can also prevent disputes from occurring by laying out all of the intricacies of the process beforehand. Subsequently, legal service will be needed to obtain a court order declaring that the intended parents are the sole legal parent(s) and that the surrogate has no parental or legal rights or obligations. The court order will also direct the department of Vital Records to issue a birth certificate placing the intended parentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; name(s) on the certificate. Depending on the state this can be done near the end of the second trimester so that it is in place before the birth. Due to the complexity of surrogacy, it is advisable to seek out an attorney experienced in reproductive technology law. The surrogate should have her own counsel at the contract negotiation stage.

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What to Expect There is not a “typical” surrogacy experience on which to base expectations. Each person’s experience varies widely depending on their specific situation. However, we have outlined below several considerations and basic steps of the surrogacy process that should be helpful in planning to build a family. On average, having a child through traditional surrogacy costs about $50,000 and having a child through gestational surrogacy costs at least $120,000-$140,000, according to Growing Generations, which describes itself as the only gay- and lesbian-owned surrogacy firm primarily serving the gay and lesbian community. The basic steps involved in the surrogacy process are: •

The intended parents must find the right prospective surrogate on their own or through a surrogacy agency.

•

If pursuing traditional surrogacy, the intended father must donate sperm and wait for six months while it is quarantined and then tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

•

If using a surrogacy agency, the intended parents and surrogate may be asked to undergo a medical screening and psychological evaluation.

•

The intended parents must hire an attorney and complete the required agreements specifying each party’s rights and responsibilities.

•

The intended parents, surrogate and medical staff must begin the process of conception through donor insemination or in vitro fertilization.

Disclaimer: This document is provided for information purposes only and is not intended as legal advice. If you need legal advice regarding your specific situation, we strongly recommend that you consult a competent, licensed family law attorney who is familiar with these issues. It is also important that you understand that the information provided here in no way constitute, and should not be relied upon, as legal advice.

What are Your Options

Notes

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What are Your Options

Co-Parenting If you are a co-parent and want to have legal parental rights and responsibilities for your partner’s child, a co-parenting agreement is a legal document that you can create to clearly explain the rights and responsibilities of each parent where a second-parent adoption is not available. A second-parent adoption extends legal parental rights to the nonbiological or non-adoptive co-parent. However, some states’ laws not only restrict who may adopt a child but also ban second parent adoption. To find out if second-parent adoptions are granted in your state, see the second-parent adoptions article. If you and your partner do not have access to second-parent adoptions, a co-parenting agreement may be your best legal option. In the co-parenting agreement, you and your partner can: •

Agree to jointly and equally share parental responsibilities by proving support and guidance to your child;

•

Authorize the other to consent to medical care for your child;

•

Devise a custody agreement before any separation should one occur;

•

Stipulate that each partner will name the other partner as the child’s guardian in his/her will.

If you are the custodial parent, you can stipulate in your will that you want your partner to become the child’s guardian in the event of your death. But this stipulation is not legally binding in a court of law.

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Learn Gender Identities with Your Kids Gender identity is oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s personal experience of oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own gender. Gender identity can correlate with assigned sex at birth, or can differ from it completely.

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What are Your Options

Agender [ey-jen-der] Agender is a term which can be literally translated as ‘without gender’. It can be seen either as a non-binary gender identity or as a statement of not having a gender identity. People who identify as agender may describe themselves as one or more of the following: •

Genderless or lacking gender.

•

Gender neutral. This may be meant in the sense of being neither man or woman yet still having a gender.

•

Neutrois or neutrally gendered.

•

Having an unknown or undefinable gender; not aligning with any gender.

•

Having no other words that fit their gender identity.

•

Not knowing or not caring about gender, as an internal identity and/ or as an external label.

•

Deciding not to label their gender.

•

Identifying more as a person than any gender at all.

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Many agender people also identify as genderqueer, non-binary and/ or transgender. However, some agender people prefer to avoid these terms, especially transgender, as they feel this implies identifying as a gender other than their assigned gender, while they in fact do not identify as any gender at all. Agender people can have any preference for pronouns, although some prefer to avoid using gendered language about themselves as much as possible. They can also present in any way - masculine, feminine, both or neither. Agender people can experience dysphoria if they are unable to express their identity in a way they are comfortable with. Agender people who wish to appear gender-neutral or genderless may have gender nullification surgery to achieve a body that lacks sex characteristics. Chromosome therapy is currently being studied by researchers at UC Berkeley which attempts to nullify those chromosomes which stereotypically identify the individual by a sex. Agender people can be of any sexuality and should not be confused with being asexual.

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Androgyne [an-druh-jahyn] Androgyne is a non-binary gender identity associated with androgyny. Androgynes have a gender which is simultaneously feminine and masculine, although not necessarily in equal amounts. Western society currently recognizes no set gender roles for androgynes. Because androgynes have a non-binary gender identity, they might also identify as genderqueer and/or transgender. Androgynes (as well as any other gender) can be of any sexual or romantic orientation.

Bigender [bahy-jen-der] Bigender is a gender identity which can be literally translated as “two genders” or “double gender”. Bigender people experience exactly two gender identities, either simultaneously or varying between the two. These two gender identities could be male and female, but could also include non-binary identities. Bigender people may also identify as multigender, non-binary and/ or transgender. If a bigender person feels that their identity changes over time or depending on circumstance, they may also identify as genderfluid, which describes any person whose gender identity varies over time. Bigender people can have any gender expression but many prefer to be seen as androgynous and/or change their presentation to be more masculine or feminine depending on their current identity. Bigender people may experience dysphoria in which they want their body to reflect traits from two distinct sexes, or experience dysphoria at some times but not others. However, not all bigender people experience dysphoria. Some bigender people may choose to transition so that their body more closely matches their gender identity, but not all do. Bigender people can be any sexuality, and should not be confused with bisexual.

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Cisgender [sis-jen-der] Cisgender is a term for someone who has a gender identity that aligns with what they were assigned at birth. The term was created for referring to â&#x20AC;&#x153;non-transgenderâ&#x20AC;? people without alienating transgender people. For example, if the doctor announces a baby as being a girl, and she is fine with being a girl, then she is cisgender. Cisgender may sometimes be referred to as cissexual (corresponding to transsexual, not to be confused with a sexual orientation), or shortened to cis.

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Gender Fluid [jen-der floo-id] Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. Their gender can also vary at random or vary in response to different circumstances. Gender fluid people may also identify as multigender, non-binary and/or transgender. Gender fluid people who feel that the strength of their gender(s) change(s) over time, or that they are sometimes agender, may identify as gender flux.

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Genderqueer [jen-der-kweer] Genderqueer is an umbrella term with a similar meaning to non-binary. It can be used to describe any gender identities other than man and woman, thus outside of the gender binary. Genderqueer identities can include one or more of the following: •

Both man and woman

•

Neither man nor woman (genderless, agender, Neutrois)

•

Moving between genders (gender fluid)

•

Third gender or other-gender

•

Those who do not or cannot place a name to their gender

•

Having an overlap of, or blurred lines between, gender identity and sexual orientation

Some genderqueer people use that as their only description of their gender identity, while others also identify as another gender identity such as androgyne, bigender etc. Genderqueer people may also identify as transgender and/or nonbinary. Some genderqueer people may wish to transition, either medically or by changing their name and/ or pronouns to suit their preferred gender expression. Genderqueer people can have any sexual orientation. Many genderqueer individuals see gender and sex as separable aspects of a person and sometimes identify as a male woman, a female man, or a male/female/intersex genderqueer. Genderqueer identification may also occur for political reasons. “Genderqueer”, along with being an umbrella term, has been used as an adjective to refer to any people who transgress mainstream distinctions of gender, regardless of their self-defined gender identity, for example, those who “queer” gender, expressing it non-normatively. Androgynous is sometimes also used as a descriptive term for people in this category, but genderqueer is used to indicate that gender norms can be transgressed through a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, and because not all genderqueer people identify as androgyne.

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Gender Questioning [jen-der kwes-chuh-ning] Questioning is a term used to describe anyone who is in the process of deciding which gender identity suits them best. Transgender people may undergo a period of questioning in which they reflect upon their preferred gender expression, their personal definitions of masculinity and femininity, and their feelings about their assigned sex. Questioning can result in a change of gender identity (which may prompt a desire to transition) or it may confirm the gender identity the person previously held. Because gender identity is an internal experience, no-one else can know for certain someoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gender or â&#x20AC;&#x153;answer the questionâ&#x20AC;? for them, although learning more about the experience of others can help with self-understanding. However, a period of questioning only ends when the person decides for themselves which gender identity, if any, they feel most comfortable with. Questioning people with supportive friends may undergo trial periods of social transition, in which they ask a small group of people to use a different name and set of pronouns in order to experiment with which gendered language they feel most confortable with. A period of questioning can occur at any time, as gender identity can sometimes change without an obvious external reason. Most questioning people previously considered themselves cisgender, but some transgender people may begin questioning their previous identity and adopt a new one. Questioning should only be used to describe those who are seeking to label their gender identity, not those who are comfortable without adopting a label.

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Gender Variant [jen-der vair-ee-uh nt] Gender variance, or gender nonconformity, is behavior or gender expression by an individual that does not match masculine and feminine gender norms. People who exhibit gender variance may be called gender variant, gender non-conforming, gender diverse, gender atypical[1] or genderqueer, and may be transgender or otherwise variant in their gender identity. In the case of transgender people, they may be perceived, or perceive themselves as, gender nonconforming before transitioning, but might not be perceived as such after transitioning. Some intersex people may also exhibit gender variance.

Intersex [in-ter-seks] An intersex person has sex characteristics e.g.sexual anatomy, reproductive organs, and/or chromosome patterns that do not fit the typical definition of male or female. This may be apparent at birth or become so later in life e.g. puberty. Intersex people, just like dyadic people, may identify with any sexual orientation or gender identity. Being intersex is often treated as a medical disorder which should be corrected with treatments such as hormone therapy or surgery to â&#x20AC;&#x153;normaliseâ&#x20AC;? sex characteristics. If an intersex condition is discovered at birth or during childhood then medical procedures may be performed without the child or parent giving consent or even being aware, and many intersex people are not notified of their condition even as adults. Because of this culture, the intersex community often denotes assigned sex using the terms CAFAB and CAMAB, standing for Coercively Assigned Female/Male At Birth.

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Neutrois [noo-trwahs] Neutrois is a non-binary gender identity which is considered to be a neutral or null gender. It may also be used to mean genderless, and has considerable overlap with agender - some people who consider themselves neutrally gendered or genderless may identify as both, while others prefer one term or the other. Neutrois people may experience dysphoria and wish to transition. Often, neutrois people prefer for their gender expression to be gender neutral or androgynous, although this is not always the case. Some neutrois people wish to medically transition to remove all sex characteristics, but others only wish to remove some characteristics, or do not desire surgery at all. As with many other non-binary identities, neutrois people may not have their gender legally recognised on their documentation. However, an increasing number of places allow for non-binary identities to be recognised, including Facebook, which includes neutrois as a gender option. Neutrois people can be of any assigned sex and have any sexuality.

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Non-binary [non-bahy-nuh-ree] Non-binary gender (see also genderqueer) describes any gender identity which does not fit the male and female binary. Those with nonbinary genders can feel that they: •

Have an androgynous (both masculine and feminine) gender identity, such as androgyne.

•

Have an identity between male and female, such as intergender.

•

Have a neutral or unrecognized gender identity, such as agender, neutrois, or most xenogenders.

•

Have multiple gender identities, such as bigender or pangender.

•

Have a gender identity which varies over time, known as genderfluid.

•

Have a weak or partial connection to a gender identity, known as demigender.

•

Are intersex and identify as intersex, know as amalgagender

•

Have a culturally specific gender identity which exists only within their or their ancestor’s culture.

Non-binary people may also identify as transgender and/or transsexual. The label genderqueer has a lot of overlap with non-binary. Nonbinary is often seen as the preferred term, as “queer” may be used as a transphobic insult. Non-binary people may wish to transition so that their gender expression more closely reflects their internal identity. Many non-binary people wish to appear androgynous and adopt unisex names, genderneutral titles such as Mx. and/or gender-neutral pronouns, but others prefer to express themselves in ways which are traditionally seen as masculine or feminine or to mix aspects of the two. Non-binary people can have any sexual orientation, although if attracted primarily to a single gender they may prefer to use genderterminology to express this, such as androsexual or gynosexual.

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Notes

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Learn Gender Identities with Your Kids

Pangender [pan-jen-der] Pangender (and/or Omnigender) is a non-binary gender experience which refers to a wide multiplicity of genders that can (or not) stretch to the infinite (meaning that this experience can go beyond the current knowledge of genders). This experience can be either simultaneously or over time. Being pangender does not require that one knows everything about all the established genders nowadays; being pangender goes beyond the known genders. Pangender can express gender fluidity or not; for example, a pangender person can manifest a genderflux, flowing from pangender to agender. Panflux is a gender identity consisting of pangender + genderflux. Pangender = binary genders (100% female and 100% male) + known genders + unknown genders. Some pangender people literally identify as all genders, even ones that are considered exclusive, while others only identify as all the non exclusive genders as well as the exclusives that they meet the requirements for.

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Transgender [trans-jen-der] Transgender or Transexuality is an umbrella term for anyone whose internal experience of gender does not match the gender they were assigned at birth (normally based on genitalia). Transgender people often experience discomfort or distress due to their gender not being recognized by others, and therefore wish to transition to being viewed as their true gender identity. A popular image of transgender people is that of a “woman trapped in a man’s body” and vice versa, but this isn’t entirely accurate. A more accurate description is that transgender people are born into bodies which society does not associate with their gender, or were assigned a sex that does not match their gender. People whose bodies are recognized in a way which corresponds to their gender identity are referred to as cisgender. Some transgender people feel that way from a very young age, while others go through a period of questioning before realizing they are transgender. Transgender people can be men, women or non-binary. They can have any sexual orientation, express their gender through their appearance in any way, and may or may not fit into society’s views of gender.

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Male to Female [meyl tuh fee-meyl] Aperson who is assigned by a cultural authority (usually a medical professional) a male sex at birth but whose gender identity is female and who tries in various ways to change her sex to match her gender identity.

Female to Male [fee-meyl tuh meyl] People who are assigned by a cultural authority (usually a medical professional) a female sex at birth but whose gender identities are male and who try in various ways to change their sex to match their gender identities.

Transmasculine [tranz-mas-kyuh-lin] Transmasculine is a term used to describe transgender people who were assigned female at birth, but identify with masculinity to a greater extent than with femininity. This includes: •

Trans men

•

Demiguys.

•

Multigender people who’s strongest gender identity is a masculine one

•

Gender fluid people who are masculine most often

•

Any other non-binary gender who views themselves as significantly masculine

Transmasculine can also be used as a gender identity in its own right. Although they have masculine gender identities, transmasculine people may prefer not to conform to stereotypical masculine gender expression or gender roles. The feminine equivalent of transmasculine is transfeminine.

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Two-Spirit [too-spir-it] Two Spirit is a culturally distinct gender that describes Indigenous North Americans who fulfils one of many mixed gender roles found traditionally among many Native Americans and Canadian First Nations indigenous groups. The mixed gender roles encompassed by the term historically included wearing the clothing and performing the work associated with both men and women. This English term emerged in 1990 out of the third annual inter-tribal Native American/First Nations gay/lesbian American conference in Winnipeg. A direct translation of the Ojibwe term, Niizh manidoowag, “two-spirited” or “two-spirit” is usually used to indicate a person whose body simultaneously houses a masculine spirit and a feminine spirit. The term can also be used more abstractly, to indicate presence of two contrasting human spirits (such as Warrior and Clan Mother) or two contrasting animal spirits (which, depending on the culture, might be Eagle and Coyote). However, these uses, while descriptive of some aboriginal cultural practices and beliefs, depart somewhat from the 1990 purposes of promoting the term. According to Brian Joseph Gilly, male berdachism “was a fundamental institution among most tribal peoples.” Will Roscoe writes that male and female berdaches have been “documented in over 130 tribes, in every region of North America, among every type of native culture.” The term berdache was coined by western anthropologists and used until the late 20th century, mainly to describe feminine Native Americans assigned male at birth. The term is however inaccurate and can nowadays be considered offensive. Non-natives who use this identity are often accused of “appropriating Native culture.”

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Notes

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Learn Gender Identities with Your Kids

Let’s Talk About Sex What should kids call their private parts? How do I explain where babies come from? Should I give my child a heads up about puberty? When should we have the “big talk”? These are just a few of the many questions you might have about talking with your child about sex. The sooner you get comfortable with discussing the topic, the smoother future chats will go, so get some tips and talking points for explaining

“the birds and the bees” to kids of all ages. —by Erin Dower

All children want to know about their origins. As their minds develop and their understanding of the world grows, their questions go deeper. Toddlers ask where babies come from; teenagers want to know where they came from. It is part of their identity development. For gay parents (and all adoptive and foster parents), the answers to those questions can be complicated. Gay parents do not become parents in the usual way (unless they had their children while in a heterosexual relationship). They may use donor sperm or eggs; lesbian mothers may have each carried a child, or all the children may have been carried by one of them; gay male parents may use sperm from both, or just one of the men. And with both gay men and lesbians, they may have used either strangers or people known to them during the reproductive process. Yeah, complicated. So what DO you tell the kids when they ask questions? The two most important factors in responding to any questions children have are (1) understanding their age/developmental level and (2) sticking to the truth. (I am reminded of the old joke in which 7-year-old Jimmy asks his dad where he came from. Caught off guard, Dad awkwardly tells Jimmy about the birds and the bees. After which Jimmy replies, “Oh. Davey came from Ohio.”) Very young children require only a few words to satisfy their curiosity. When your 4-year-old asks where babies come from, they simply want, “They grow inside a woman’s body,” not a sex education lecture. Later, at around seven to 10 years of age, their expanding minds may start wondering how that baby got in the woman’s body. Even then, they are usually satisfied with, “The man’s seed started it growing there.” It is not usually till the preteen years when kids get curious about sex. So, don’t overwhelm your child with what you think they need to know or what you assume they want to know. If you’re not sure what they are looking for, get clarification. Then give them the simplest answers and if they want to know more, they’ll ask.

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Do We Have to Talk? Even though studies show that 80 percent of parents feel responsible for their kids’ sexual education, few actually sit down and talk about it. One study reveals that 19 percent of kids get information about sex from their parents, while 81 percent are educated by their friends! With stats like these, it’s no wonder that teens suffer from so many misconceptions about sex. Why do we parents fail to talk about the birds and the bees? Let’s face it is the subject makes us feel awkward and anxious. It also forces us to face the fact that our teens have become active sexual beings. To make matters worse, most of us grew up with parents who wouldn’t or couldn’t talk to us about sex. We haven’t had parenting models for discussing this sensitive issue with our kids. Well, it’s time to break the cycle. In order for your kids to make responsible, safe decisions about sex, they’re going to need vital information from you. We can help you tackle this tricky topic.

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WORD Find the Words Does the thought of talking about sex with your teen give you the jitters? Take heart. It’s okay to confess this to your child. Most kids are just as uncomfortable as we are. If the idea of one, “big talk” makes you more nervous, consider having several continuing discussions. Do your best to start talking before your adolescent’s hormones start to rage. Since teens are bombarded with and influenced by rarely-protected sex occuring on TV, in the movies, and in the lyrics of popular music, try using the media to launch your talk. For example, ask your teen if the teenage couple on her favorite show should have had sex. Once you open up lines of communcation, you can bring up unsafe and unwise sex, abstinence, and the consequences of sex with a mere acquaintance.

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When the Pressure Is On Today’s teens become sexually active considerably earlier than teens from past generations. The everpresent media portrayals of sex between teens are shown as risk-free, normal, and a way to gain popularity: “Hey, if everybody’s having sex, why not me?” Ask your kids if many kids their age feel pressured to have sex. Who do they think applies the most pressure? Is it TV? Peers? Boyfriends or girlfriends? Teens also pressure each other to have sex: “If you really loved me you’d have sex with me. Do you want to be the only virgin in high school?” Acquaintance (date) rape is a growing problem among teenagers. Your teen needs to know that “NO always means NO” and that nobody has the right to pressure him or her in any way to have sex. You might also mention that teens are more apt to have sex when they are drinking or using drugs. To broach the subject of homosexuality and bisexuality, ask your teen how he thinks his peers feel about different sexual preferences. As a parent, you should know that many teens become confused about their own preferences as they search for their sexual identity. Teenagers who become troubled about their confusion or gender preferences are at an increased risk for committing suicide. Almost one-third of all suicides are committed by gay kids. By the same token, your teen needs to know that it’s normal to experience an attraction to someone of the same sex or both sexes. Sexual attraction and confusion about sexual identity doesn’t automatically mean that a person is gay or bisexual. If your teen is gay or bisexual, they must know that their sexual orientation will never cause you to love him or her less.

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Wrapping Up Remember that informal sex talks with your teen shouldn’t center on “sexual plumbing” facts and scare tactics. Your talks should focus more on the emotional and social factors of teenage sex and sexuality, as well as your own values regarding sex within a committed, caring, and mature relationship. Don’t be put off by your teen’s attempts to shut down your overtures. Many adolescents have told me that even though they acted embarrassed and uninterested in their parents’ efforts to engage them in sexual discussions, they appreciated their parents’ concerns and efforts to guide them in this confusing area. Several teens acknowledged that their parents’advice saved them from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unwanted pregnancies.

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Exploring Their Bodies and Learning the Terms [Age 0–3] Little ones are just getting to know their bodies. As toddlers, they become aware of gender and are somewhat curious about the differences between boys and girls. Set a serious yet low-key and open tone about sexuality issues. It’s normal for babies and toddlers to touch their genitals during diaper changes and bath time, and for baby boys to have frequent erections. Try to act casual about your child’s interaction with his genitals, rather than calling attention to it by laughing, making weird faces, or getting angry at your child. Teach your child the proper names of body parts from your child’s infancy on—without giggling—so you don’t need to make the leap from nicknames to the proper names later on. “Making up names for body parts may give the idea that there is something bad about the proper name,” according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Using proper terms can empower your child to talk freely about medical issues, and learn about and report sexual abuse without feeling like it is taboo. Begin talking about the genitals around age 2, according to Talking to Your Kids About Sex by Dr. Laura Berman. Teach kids the words penis and testes for the male genitals and vulva and vagina for female genitals. Vulva is the name for the general area of soft skin covering the female genitalia; the vagina is technically the actual vaginal canal— explain both terms so that kids become familiar with them over time. Let babies and toddlers “let it all hang out” at home. Toddlers especially love being naked. But tell your child which parts are private (the parts covered by a bathing suit), and explain that it’s not okay to show or touch your private parts in public.

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“Playing Doctor” — and Wondering Where Babies Come From [Age 4–5] During the preschool years, your child’s general curiosity about gender (especially the opposite gender) is probably growing. She is likely also wondering: Where do babies come from? How did I get out of Mommy’s tummy? Don’t worry too much about your preschooler’s interest in the genitals. According to the AAP , 4- and 5-year-olds may touch their own genitals and even show interest in other children’s genitals. “These are not adult sexual activities, but signs of normal interest.” While hugging and kissing friends and “playing doctor” with peers is normal for preschoolers, calmly explain to your child that touching others in the private parts is not okay, and find toys and books to redirect the children’s attention to more appropriate play. Acting sexually inappropriately—such as mimicking or drawing pictures of intercourse or oral sex—can be a sign of sexual abuse, so be aware of the warning signs. Explain to your child that no other person — including close friends and relatives—may touch her private parts. Only doctors and nurses may touch his genitals during physical exams, and you (his own parents) may touch his genitals when trying to locate or treat pain in the genital area. Look for natural “teachable moments” for talking about the topic of sex, the AAP advises. For example, talk about genitals at bath time, and loosely explain pregnancy when you or someone you know is expecting a baby. But don’t go overboard on the facts. Preschoolers who ask about pregnancy don’t need to know the details of sexual intercourse— just answer their specific questions with a simple, truthful response, like: “Mommies have a tiny egg inside of them and Daddies have something called sperm that can make the egg grow into a baby. The baby comes out of the mom’s vagina. This is how a lot of animals have babies, too.”

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Gathering Clues and Setting Up Boundaries [Age 6–7] Your early elementary school–age child is probably trying to gather more clues about everything: how exactly male and female bodies differ, how exactly babies are made, and what takes place sexually between adults. He’s also learning to set up boundaries for his own body. Continue to answer your child’s questions simply and truthfully without going into too much detail. Turn to age-appropriate children’s books to help explain things. In the book It’s So Amazing by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley (recommended for ages 7 and up), kid-friendly drawings illustrate how boys’ and girls’ bodies are different: “The parts that are different are the parts that make each of us a female or a male. Some of these parts are on the outside of our bodies. Some are inside our bodies. Some are also the parts—when a person’s body grows up— that can make a baby.” Teach your child how to protect herself from sexual abuse and let her set boundaries for her body and personal safety. If your child hates being tickled or seen naked, even by immediate family members, allow her to make the rules and say “no” to anything when it comes to her body. It’s natural for children to become more modest about their private parts as they get older and more independent, but it’s good to teach them that nothing about their bodies is shameful. It’s still fine for parents (even of the opposite sex) to horseplay, cuddle, carry kids on their shoulders, and teach kids to shower and bathe themselves, if the child is comfortable with all of these things. Talk with kids about the beauty of romantic relationships, so they learn that love is connected to sexuality. Show affection and respect toward your partner; your child is observing everything. “Lessons and values he learns at this age will stay with him as an adult,” the AAP says of this age group. “It will encourage meaningful adult relationships later.”

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Preparing for Puberty and Wondering About Sex [Age 8–12] In some ways, the years leading up to puberty can feel like “the calm before the storm.” Children may be more embarrassed and quiet about sex-related questions than when they were younger. Or, they may be even more openly curious and less shy about the topic. Either way, your tween’s gears are turning, and your openness and honesty is more important than ever. Continue to follow your child’s lead and readily answer his questions about sex. According to the book Talking to Your Kids About Sex, most kids develop an understanding about the basic mechanics of sex by age 8 or 9. The AAP advises trying to find out what your child already knows, and correcting any misinformation he has picked up along the way. Ask if your child wants or needs to know more during talks about sex. Follow up your answers with, “Does that answer your question?” Use TV-watching and media time as an opportunity to check in about your tween’s sex-related questions, the AAP says. Kids who say, “eww — gross!” when they see characters making out in a movie might actually be expressing curiosity about sex, so ask whether your child has any questions. Talk about the depiction of sex and gender roles in the media, and the importance of separating media portrayals from reality. Prepare your child for puberty. Don’t leave it up to school health/ sex education teachers — their information may be too little, too late. Puberty usually begins between ages 8 and 13 in girls and ages 9 and 15 in boys. Early puberty is becoming more common, so it’s wise to let your older elementary school–age child know about the physical and hormonal/emotional changes on the horizon before he (or some of his friends) begin to experience it.

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When you discuss puberty, you may need to touch on the basics of intercourse, but unless your child has specific questions, you can likely save in-depth conversations about sex until the early teen years. Have separate talks about puberty and sexual intercourse rather than one “big talk,” which can embarrass and alienate your child. Let him digest the information one topic at a time. Talk about the normalcy of sexual feelings, “wet dreams,” and masturbation (in private), and allow your child some more privacy in his tween and teen years. Don’t tease tweens about crushes because their self-esteem and body image can be fragile. Start thinking about and communicating your family’s ground rules for dating. Forewarn your child about porn. “The average age a kid sees porn is 10. It’s everywhere and it’s naive to think your kid won’t see it,” sexual health educator Amy Lang tells CNN. “Tell them about porn before they stumble across it: ‘Sometimes people look at pictures or videos of people having sex. This is called pornography, or porn. It’s not for kids, and your heart and mind aren’t ready to see something like this.’” Keep an open-door policy. Even if you have been shy about discussing sex until now, know that it’s not too late to offer yourself as a resource on the topic. Let your child know you are always available to answer questions about puberty, sexuality, intercourse, and the things she encounters on the Internet or TV, or hears about through peers. You would probably prefer to be your child’s primary resource about sex questions—and your family’s related beliefs and values—so let your child know early and often that you’re always there for her. If your child is too shy to talk, provide him with an age-appropriate book like It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley (recommended for ages 10 and up) for him to explore on his own.

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Dating and Dreading, but Needing “The Talk” [Age 13+] By now, kids know what sex is (and that it has nothing to do with “birds” and “bees”). But there’s still a lot you can teach them about protecting themselves against STDs, teen pregnancy, date rape, and other risks. Fewer than 2 percent of U.S. adolescents have sex by age 12 (phew), but one-third of teens have sex by age 16, nearly half of teens by age 17, and more than 70 percent by age 19, so the early- to mid-teen years are generally a good time to go into some more specifics about healthy sexual choices.

A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone. —Billy Graham

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Confess your jitters about discussing the sex topic with your teen. This can help break the ice since your teen is probably feeling just as uncomfortable about the subject. Again, consider using TV or the media as a conversation starter. For example, ask your child if the teenage couple on her favorite show have had sex, and whether she thinks it’s appropriate. Say whatever comes to mind—just be honest. Here are some key points that can help. Talk with your child about mutual consent, and protecting herself against STDs and pregnancy by using condoms or other contraceptives. Girls should first see a gynecologist when they become sexually active or by age 18. Talk with kids about avoiding Internet porn, sexting, and meeting new people online. Legal consequences for sexting seem to vary by state, but it’s best to advise your child to avoid it altogether. Don’t spy on your child’s every move online, but talk about rules for mobile safety and using apps and social media wisely. Tune into your child’s dating life. If your child seems to be seeing someone seriously, it’s time to talk about sex and contraceptives. Most U.S. teens (70 percent of females and 56 percent of males) say that their first sexual experience is with a steady partner. “If you find out your child is planning to have sex, it is important to have a direct, open, and non-judgmental conversation,” Dr. Berman advises in Talking to Your Kids About Sex. Let your teen know that her sexual desires are legitimate and natural, but that sex comes with tremendous responsibilities. Express your family’s values and your wishes for your child to make careful decisions, but remember that she may still engage in sex even if you disapprove, so it’s important for you to tell her how she can protect herself.

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The Best Parents Handbook Which ever Option gay and lesbian couples decide to have children, the most important thing is that theirkids are raised in a safe, secure and loving environment. The gender of each of their parents is not the most important thing; the environment and atmosphere of love that they provide for their children is what really matters.