Free | June 2014
Letter From the Editor You know that famous saying,
“Practice what you preach?”
Well, that’s sort of what happened this issue. It took me lots of commitment and determination to get this issue out, but finally it’s here. Here’s the back story: For the last couple of months I’ve been seriously thinking about the determination and commitment we must have to reach our dreams and goals. It means really pushing through whatever obstacle comes our way . . . without quitting. But here is the thing: It’s not always easy, is it? So, I reached out to our experts, writers and coaches to talk to us about this. As always, they delivered. In this issue, you’ll find personal stories of what they’ve gone through, tips on how to over come obstacles, and even a case study for all of us to realize we are not alone in having to focus on our dreams. Each and everyone of us has our own struggles, and this issue is to help you remember to never quit! No matter how hard or impossible, silly or out of reach your dream might be. Stay determined. Stay committed. Take a breath along the way if you need to, but keep going!!! We are all rooting for you every step of the way!
THE NEVER
GIVE UP ISSUE
4
The Law of This Officially Sucks
7
Don’t Give Up - Just Quit!
10
A Little Bit Goes A Long Way
11
Creation is a Process
15
The Ability to Achieve Your Goals Comes From Within
17
Making Powerful Decisions During Your Divorce
20
Determination: A True Love Story
23
Commitment: A Slight Shift, A Big Impact
by Angie Romero
by Denise Banks-Grasedyck
by Michelle Lee
by Lori Ann Bandura
by Katie Jeffrey
by Stephanie Salameh
by Dolores O’Neill
by Shagufta Khatri
The Law
of This Officially
Sucks!
By ANGIE ROMERO
This issue is about determination and commitment, about not giving up. So, let’s begin with the basics: Determination: the act of officially deciding something; a quality that makes you continue trying to do or achieve something that is difficult Commitment: a promise to do or give something ; a promise to be loyal to someone or something ; the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something Give Up: to abandon (oneself) to a particular feeling, influence, or activity ; to despair of seeing
Hmmm…. Not so basic when it comes to our dreams, hopes and passions is it? Let me ask you this: Have you ever had an idea, a thought or a feeling of purpose where you said to yourself “I am going to accomplish this no matter what!” You’re motivated. You’re pumped. And then . . . something mysterious happens . . . and you start losing “it”. The mojo starts somewhat fading. And, it’s confusing because you can feel that “idea” “thought” “dream” or “goal” still inside of you, longing for it to be made manifest, and yet . . . no matter what happens it doesn’t quiet come to fruition.
I mean it’s not that you’ve lost your passion for that dream or goal, but you just can’t seem to get around to doing what it takes to get there.
purpose in order to serve more people because I strongly believe that we are all here to help one another grow and evolve in all ways.
Many of us at this point probably take these three steps:
And yes, I too have wanted to give up on many things.
1) Maybe you have the energy to do it, but the “ehhh, I’ll do it tomorrow” feeling starts to set in leading you each day closer and closer to abandoning the thought of doing whatever it takes. Tomorrow turns into a few days down the road until you realize weeks have gone by (and for some maybe even years). It’s like the excitement of energy that was there is no longer there. We may have lost the “commitment” to it somewhere between things getting in the way, troubles, worries, fears, issues…. 2) Depression and Frustration starts setting in and we loose that cool, calm and positive outlook we began with. We start doubting ourselves and even doubting if what we really envisioned in our minds is even possible for us. Gremlin Thoughts (as I call them) viciously start visiting us day-in and day-out constantly telling us “Just who do you think you are” or “You’re kidding yourself! You’ll never make it. You’ll never accomplish that.” They start attacking our self-confidence and self-worth. 3) We beginning doubting the Universe, doubting God, doubting our life purpose, doubting anything and everything you once wanted but have not yet accomplished. We don’t understand that feeling inside of us longing for us to accomplish that dream or goal, and the frustration and hurt it sometimes comes with when we don’t see it in manifested form. Whatever the case maybe, by this point we want to simply quit! Throw in the towel and “the hell with it” mentality sets in.
Let’s get personal Yes, I am a life and wellness coach. Yes, I serve women who feel frustrated and overwhelmed with life to help them find happiness and health again. Yes, I publish an online magazine for that same
Because I sit on writer’s side of the article and not the reader’s it doesn’t mean I haven’t been where you are. Believe me, I have. And that feeling of sadness, depression, and frustration downright sucks! It hurts. Painfully driving you down deeper and deeper. It’s not fun, and it sure isn’t the way we were meant to live life. But, now that we’ve gotten personal I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’ve recently discovered a new Universal Law that governs our world, and I am officially naming it the Law of This Officially Sucks! (It does have a catchy ring to it, no? lol) Kidding aside, there is a law, a force of the universe that I’ve discovered when it comes to determination and commitment. Just like I don’t understand the exact science of the Law of Gravity, I know its there and it mysteriously works. Well, so is the case with my law of determination and commitment. What I’ve discovered is the following, and bare with me here on the explanation because I am a life coach, not a scientist: Some time after original thought of, “Oh, THIS is what I want!” the Universe goes into this wild conspiracy to make it happen. However, just because you decided (out of your own free will) that you wanted this it doesn’t mean that the Universe will magically make it appear before you. There is no real POOOF, here you are. Instead, what I believe happens is that this Universal Law goes into effect by telling us “practice what you preach”. You want X-goal, commit to it no matter what comes your way.
In other words
– how bad do you want it?
Now, I’m not saying the Universe is mean and is teasing us. What I’ve discovered is that everything in life is a lesson, and we are either learning it or teaching. If we say we want something, and we can feel it in our very soul that it is what we want, it’s because subconsciously we know that this socalled want/goal/desire is meant to help us learn something.
. . .
Maybe through the process we reveal a part of us we didn’t know existed. Maybe we break through a personal barrier. Maybe, just maybe, we really do find our life’s purpose.
There are so many possibilities of what lessons can be in it for us. In my life, there have been so many times in many different situations that I just want to call it quits. Thoughts of “I can’t do it” crawl their way in and sometimes stay for a long time. Unwanted visitors they are. But, when I’ve pushed through . . . when I’ve been able to say to myself, “Angie, enough. You want this, get up and do it. You CAN DO IT!” and I actually accomplish the goal at hand, that feeling of WOWWWW is so grand! That’s when I can feel the Universe saying, “There you go! You wanted it, you worked your way to achieve it, and its yours” bringing with it a feeling of peace and bliss all mixed in.
So, why do I call it
The Law of This Officially Sucks? Simply because my personal belief is that it sucks we have to go through so much trial and tribulation to see our dreams and goals come true. It sucks that we want something so bad, and have to sometimes go through hell to achieve it. It sucks that we begin to loose our determination and commitment (even
our hope and faith!) to continue to pursue that which we were seeking out for, and sometimes we just want to call it quits. But, if you don’t quit, if you stay determined and focused, if you are able to control those darn Gremlin Thoughts and march through it all the way to the finish line, the feeling of happiness and bliss is such a rewarding experience! It’s knowing that YOU MADE IT no matter what obstacles you encountered. It’s knowing that YOU DID IT! It’s remembering that you really have the potential to achieve those things that you want!
Again, believe me, I know it’s sometimes very hard to not want to quit. I know many obstacles get in the way. But don’t quit! Grab on to that dream and don’t let go! Use all the energy you posses within you to make it work! I believe you can achieve anything you put your mind to! I believe that no matter what you are going through, no matter what does Gremlin Thoughts tell you, I believe you can feel deep down inside of you that you know your dream or goal is still alive and pulsing.
Don’t quit, because I believe in you! And, I believe that you will make your dreams and goals come true!
Angie Romero is
a Life and Wellness Coach for Women, a Holistic Practitioner, Editor/Publisher of HappierHealthierWomen.com, and Recipient of VIP Woman of the Year by The National Association of Women for 2013 for her service to women worldwide to live Happier and Healthier in all areas of their life. For more information on courses, seminars and transformational packages visit www.AngieRomero.com
Don’t Give Up
Just Quit! Work, relationships, finances, fitness, parenting, eating healthy – heck even having pets, there is no part of this By DENISE BANKS-GRASEDYCK
big beautiful life that can’t get so complicated, stressful or overwhelming at times, that you just want to give up or call it quits.
But before you do, read this and know the difference. This client case study and five tips can help you decide if you want stay in the game or make a conscious empowered decision to move on.
Case and Point “Wow!” That is the word most likely to come out of your mouth, when Joanna* enters the room. She is incredibly attractive, with a slender athletic figure, black hair, tan skin and piercing blue eyes. Joanna has an energy that compels you to notice her. *The name has been changed to protect the individual’s privacy.
As she enters the room, she flashes her signature smile exposing a mouth full of sparkling white teeth that contrast against her skin as nicely as her tailored white blouse does. Joanna strides toward me with an air of confidence, places her designer briefcase next to the chair and sinks into the seat. Fast forward 30 minutes later . . . As a large tear rolls down her cheek, Joanna clutches her stomach and speaks so softly I have to lean in to hear her. “I can’t keep doing this. I just want to walk away from my company and not look back. I wish I could just quit,” she half whispered, as her eyes turned up to meet mine. That was it, Joanna was seeking approval to do what she knew in her gut was the right thing for her. “If you really don’t want to work there anymore, why can’t you quit?” I asked. After a string of seemingly plausible, acceptable and easily remedied reasons that turned out to be excuses, Joanna blurted out, “You don’t just give up. Quitting is for losers!” Her voice, only minutes before a whisper, had evolved into an angry hiss. So what’s that all about? A lot is going on in this scenario, negative interpretations, misaligned values, fear of disappointing others and more. One main issue for Joanna was her interpretation of an old story that she’d been told as a teenager on the table tennis team. She recalled being exhausted, ill and in pain. With tears streaming down her face, she pushed herself to continue playing as her father repeatedly reminded her from the sidelines that “winners never quit and quitters never win!”
Joanna still believed that story. Another issue making it difficult for Joanna to free herself from a potentially debilitating job situation was the misconception that “giving up” and “quitting” are the same thing. They aren’t.
When you give up, you come from a place of weakness, you no longer stand in your own power. When you quit, it implies exercising choice which is within your personal power. In Joanna’s situation both giving up and quitting would have removed her from a situation that she, despite all efforts, could not resolve otherwise. But what would the impact be on Joanna? Hint: Don’t give up, just feel free to say “no” to situations and people that are not aligned with who you are and what you value most.
“Winners don’t give up, they just make better choices!” Joanna learned the difference between giving up, assuming she had no power in her situation and quitting, making a conscious decision to stop engaging in a situation at the point at which that engagement required more of her and her life than she wished to invest. She left her high-paying position to partner with a friend in a business venture that was more aligned with who she is. Today, she earns a good living doing work that she would gladly do for free and working less than half the hours she used to work.
But what if you really do want to stay in the game? When you have decided not to quit, here are 5 tips to help you hang in there. Whether you are running your own business, working for someone else or managing your family full-time, chances are you have had or will have an encounter with “tough times”. Sales are down by 20%, your (business) partner suddenly has a change of heart, your spouse is having a mid-life crisis, your kids have the flu and gave it to your babysitter, your aging father is in the hospital 1200 miles away and your dog just bit the neighbor’s cat. Oh and yes, that deadline is still 3 p.m. tomorrow!
I know you won’t give up, but before you decide to quit try this:
1.
Keep it in perspective. Ask yourself this, if these unexpected events were not happening, would you still choose to do what you are doing? If yes, hang in there!
2.
Get some help. Since you have already determined that this is what you want, is there anyone who could help you through this difficult time? If yes, hang in there. Now is the time to ask for what you need. Make a list of friends, family, professionals and everyone who has ever offered to help you. How could they help you now? Start asking! This is difficult for many women; do it anyway. You might be surprised to find out who has been waiting for a chance to support you in a bigger way.
3.
Stop, drop and roll! This is good advice when you are on fire and it can certainly help when you feel like your life or business is about to go up in smoke. When things get really challenging or overburdening, most people go into overdrive which leads to more exhaustion and an increasing feeling of hopelessness. Do the opposite. As difficult as it may seem, schedule some time out throughout your day to STOP for a few deep breaths and a large, hydrating drink, DROP to your knees, into a lounge chair or onto your yoga mat for prayers, reflection or meditation. ROLL with the punches and hang in there. You decide how you show up in every situation and circumstance.
4.
Go professional. If you find yourself encountering the same or related difficulties repeatedly, you may need to have a closer look together with someone who has the necessary skills to give you professional guidance. For example, if you are constantly being challenged to reach your target market, a marketing consultant might be helpful. If you
are having trouble making the right decisions a business coach may be what you need. And if you feel like you are overwhelmed, overcommitted and on the edge, hang in there and get a burnout prevention expert on speed-dial.
5. Know you are free to decide - again.
You don’t have to give up, in fact, you shouldn’t, because you are free to make a choice that is better for you, a conscious, empowered choice to quit. In the words of the Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
And only you can really know how long to hang in there and when to quit and say yes to something that is better for you. Any endeavor is only worth hanging in there, as long as you feel it is worth the time, energy and life that you are investing in it. Honestly, why would you stay in a game that you don’t enjoy, so that you can “win” a prize that you neither value nor want?
Denise Banks-Grasedyck
is a certified professional coach, specializing in personal and professional development. An entrepreneur known as the Freedom Fighter for the overcommitted professional helping them regain control of their lives, avoid burnout or recover from it. Visit her website at www.banks-grasedyck.com
Losing A Little Weight At A Time Can Result In Big Gains For Your Health. When you have a lot of weight to lose, it can seem like an overwhelming task, but by aiming to lose just a few pounds at a time you are more likely to reach your goal weight.
This is good news for those who may be tempted to give up hope of ever losing the weight, or who may in desperation try to latch onto the latest fad diets that promise to help you lose 10 to 20 pounds a month.
A Little Bit Goes A Long Way By MICHELLE LEE
These rapid weight loss gimmicks my sound tempting, but in the long run, they may end up doing more harm to your body than good. Gradual weight loss has been shown to be a better way to lose weight because you are less likely to run the risk of harming your body. When you restrict your calories too much you actually may make it harder to lose weight because you may end up slowing down your metabolism. Moreover, rapid weight loss can lead to fatigue, headaches, irritability, muscle loss, dehydration, and more. According to the National Institutes of Health, losing as little as 1-2 pounds a week is a safer way to lose weight that can increase your chances of keeping the weight off.
Michelle Lee, Life Coach BS, MA,
Life Coach, Certified with Coach Training Alliance, M.Ed-Health Promotion. Coaching individuals to reduce stress, create a better work/life balance and shed unwanted pounds without having to diet, so they can start relishing their life now. Visit her at www.relishyourlifenow.com
Furthermore, choosing to lose weight in smaller increments rather than going on a crash diet and munching primarily on alfalfa sprouts and carrot sticks means that you can still enjoy your favorite foods in moderation. So remember, slow and steady helps win the weight loss race.
Creation is a Process It’s all part of the process of
By LORI ANN BANDURA
CREATING A LIFE BY DESIGN
When I was designing my life by choice, I encountered many moments of self-doubt, moments where I knew it would be easier to quit and take any old job than to go on. But I didn’t value instant gratification. I valued creating a life by design that was in alignment to my values and truth. Something from the inside kept me in the process of uncovering what I, in particular, needed to experience, in order to pull everything I’ve pulled together to make the elemental Soulutions into what it has to offer today. Today, after a decade, I come to this place where I now set my own schedule, can take time to do what I want, with whom I want.
I live where I want to live, and share as much time with my son as I want to. We enjoy life within our own means, and we have many adventures together. I love my boyfriend, and we enjoy a very supportive and liberating relationship. My friends are true and I make time and effort to build the connection. My business relationships are a reflection of my self-worth and I enjoy who I work with! This wasn’t always the case. Re-evaluating my own values and Re-defining and Re-designing my own relationships took a long time. In fact it was actually my own life’s journey that designed and developed the processes I teach and coach today. And this is
often the case for many entrepreneurs, visionaries and inventors. While I was pre-occupied with “figuring things out” for years, I was busy doing product creation -though I didn’t know it at the time. I struggled with the typical North-American social system that encouraged getting a degree, and pushing for a career that would make a lot of money to buy a lot of things. I wanted more for my life. I wasn’t interested in the systems that were set up to help individuals be mediocre and stick to the status quo. So I often had to search on my own for teachers and mentors that could teach me and assist my personal development. I gained great wisdom from these experiences, some of which I will share with you here. The first addresses those who were inspired from the depths of their being with an idea that became a passion and formulated a vision in their mind.
At times, you or others around you, can’t see the finished product or business because in the present moment doesn’t resemble that at all! It alludes you, and feels out of reach, and you begin to wonder if it will ever come to fruition. If this ever happens, what you are forgetting is: There’s a process to all of this. And if we push it, we miss a lot of the important lessons. As Morcheeba sings on their album BIG CALM “It’s all part of the process, we all love looking down. All we want is some success, but the chance is never around.” Don’t deny your process. Let it flow! It takes time! If things don’t seem to be happening fast enough, maybe just ask yourself if you’ve been conditioned to believe or “value” instant gratification. I coach entrepreneurs to create their LIFE BY DESIGN with a MAP. Yes! There is a map that lays out the process an individual goes through to tap into the inner most depths of the individual, and
the steps to develop this and get a supportive team around you, and gift your service to the world. I work with a Holistic Business Model, “map” that is the natural flow of creation. I most enjoy my work when I see the tension decrease in my clients as they let go of the selfimposed pressure to be at a certain stage of the game. If you are feeling this sort of pressure, stop and recognize where you are at the moment. And honor the process you are going through. Don’t rush it. Let go of trying to do something if it feels like you are forcing it. Now, albeit, it’s a lot easier to do that when you see a map in front of you and you know where you’ve been, where you are at, and what’s coming up next. But you can too. Next you need to know that there are 52 steps to creating a vision. Now, I know that sounds like a lot, but chances are, if you are over 18, you’ve likely gotten through a few of them (think one step each week - how long would this journey take?) With the aid of The Inflow Map, I can determine where an individual is
in this entrepreneurial journey, and precisely show where you’ve been and what you’re about to enter into. This degree of clarity relieves a tremendous amount of stress.
Then insights come to you. You have epiphanies and say things like “Ah! Now I realize why that happened to me - This came out of that. And it is actually a key component to my business.”
Stress like one of my mentoring clients was faced with this week.
Following this “getting to know your self and designing your product/service” and lifestyle so that you may live the life you want - For as I’ve said before, how you live your day is how you live your life.
Every Monday night from 6pm-9pm, I present the Co-Creative Process and teach another component of “The Art of Conscious Conversations.” This event is called Conscious Conversations Cafes. (Facebook us!) This past week I was able to address one of the stresses I was referring to in the paragraph above, when a new-comer to the group, announced that what he was witnessing was “not an operating business.” In his statement, I recognized the naivety of someone from the outside looking at a group, and not seeing the accomplishments they’ve already made, and completely unaware of process.
It Takes Time To Develop Anything. Period. My partner always refers to building a building. He says for months people walk by along the sidewalk and they say “yeah, something must be going up over there, there’s a lot of equipment around. But I can’t see anything yet.” The longest period of building any building, is the time put in on the foundation. And since it’s all below ground-level, those walking by, can not actually see it manifesting. Until one day, in what seems to be all of a sudden, POOF! A building stands tall and erect. The doors swing open and people with briefcases are walking in and out day after day. Your foundation, your core essence, takes time to get to know and be created. You’ll travel on many paths and ideas will come your way, and you’ll at times, perhaps feel like you spin in circles and never accomplish anything. Until one day, it seems to all begin to fit together.
My company takes the stand that there are basically 2 ways to extend yourself and your product/service to “the market.” The first is the old paradigm way, commonly known as “Marketing.” I will quote the character “Skat” from the movie “SYRUP.” “Marketing starts with an unfulfilled need in the market place and figures out how to sell to it.” Creating Your Life by Design, aka “ART”... “starts with an IDEA and figures out how to sell it, if at all.” You can’t force ideas to turn up when you need them, Skat continues, they just do or they don’t. And that’s they way it is for many entrepreneurial spirits. Their “idea” either hasn’t shown up yet really - and they are in a process of deigning it (though they don’t realize this), or it has shown up, and it is alive in them, and they can’t seem to think of doing anything else that doesn’t include this idea. But, again, as the character Skat says about art vs. marketing ... Art makes better stuff, but a lot of the time there’s no market for it. Where as marketing makes more money, but a lot of the time the idea sucks. I implore you to consider this:
You, decide what you want to value in life, and what you want to place your attention on. Energy flows where attention goes. And if you choose to place your attention in alignment with your values, your vision will yield you some results.
If you want to serve the larger earth-family with the gift of you being yourself and offering what you naturally do, then you will have to honor the time it takes to go through the process necessary to find it. This can take months and years. As I said earlier, you’ve already likely gotten through many of the 52 steps. Especially if you are formulating the idea already.
You can build a supportive life around your gift! You can “do” life in a way that is in alignment to your values and desire for fulfilling relationships. Hang in there. Whether you are re-discovering yourself, or uncovering yourself for the first time, it is worth it. It’s all part of the process. And its worth doing the work you have to, to grow beyond any patterns or old-programming that holds you back. You can liberate your own self, and begin to honestly communicate in safe environments, and build yourself, your business simultaneously as you begin to build relationships of value that support the manifestation of your vision. Building Relationships of Value is a process itself. I’d be happy to show you how to do this, as well as share the Holistic Business Model and Map with anyone who wants to know more. Just send me an email, and let me know you’ve read this article.
Lori Ann Bandura,
is a Coach and Workshop Facilitator building Relationships of Value with Holistic Business Solutions. “Its Because of the Why with eS.” Visit her at www.elementalsoulutions.com
The Ability to Achieve
Your Goals Comes From Within
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. – Goethe
If it is to be, it is up to me. - Author Unknown By KATIE JEFFREY Are you working to achieve your goals for 2014 or have you gradually begun to let other responsibilities get in the way? Achieving your goals is up to you – no one can do it for you.
Why and how you decide to achieve your goals can mean the difference between victory and failure.
The desire to achieve your goals must come from within and match your personal values. This desire is key to helping you stay motivated. If you’re finding it challenging to take the steps or make the changes necessary to reach your goals, re-evaluate them and question why you want to achieve them. Did you decide to achieve these particular goals for yourself or for someone else? Are they consistent with your values?
Will working to reach these goals bring you selffulfillment and joy as you strive to improve who you are, or will they make you engage in self-criticism? As you take a closer look at your goals and why you want to achieve them, make sure that the road leading to each will be a positive journey.
For instance, here are two different ways to look at a similar goal. One person wants to lose weight because she feels she doesn’t look good at her current weight. She has been finding it difficult to stick to her “new diet,” and therefore, constantly feels guilty and angry at herself. Several times during the day, she has negative thoughts about the way her body looks. Why is she having trouble with her goal? First, she has decided to make weight loss her goal. Weight loss is not a goal. Weight loss is the result of making healthy lifestyle changes. Second, she put herself on a “diet” rather than making gradual lifestyle changes. Therefore, she feels deprived. And, she is focused on the number on the scale rather than on the positive aspects of living a healthier lifestyle such as, lowering her blood pressure and cholesterol level, increasing her energy, strength and stamina as well as optimizing her health and feeling at peace with food and her body. Her goal to lose weight has become a source of negative energy and has led to self-criticism and feelings of guilt rather than a positive experience. Now, let’s look at how the second individual views his health goals. He would also like to lose weight because he knows that reaching a healthy weight will increase his health. However, he doesn’t have a “magic” weight that he would like to reach. Instead, he has a weight range that he feels is appropriate for him after talking with his doctor and a registered dietitian. Additionally, and most importantly, his goal is not to lose weight. His goals are centered around lifestyle changes such as, eating until he is comfortably full one meal each day, walking thirty minutes four times each
week, weight lifting three times weekly, eating one fresh fruit daily, and one cup of vegetables each day. These are just a few of the goals he has set for himself over time. Each lifestyle change that he makes and maintains for more than a week makes him feel proud which motivates him to work to achieve his next goal on his list. This individual is learning to take care of his health, and hence, himself. To achieve your goals make sure that you are pursuing them for the right reasons, and that the experience of reaching them will be one of personal growth and self-care. Nutrition Tip: Keeping a food and exercise journal is a great learning experience and helps you to recognize your strengths and challenges. Be truthful and record not only what and how much you eat and drink, but also where you are eating (e.g., living room watching TV, dining room with family or in the car) as well as how you feel (e.g., pleasant and relaxed or stressed and rushed) when you are eating or craving certain foods. These notes will help you determine why you may eat from emotions, eat when you are not truly physically hungry, or overeat. Take a few minutes each day or week to review what you have written and see if you can find any patterns, look for your strengths as well as challenges, and work to find strategies to reduce your negative behaviors.
Katie Jeffrey,
MS, RD, CSSD, LDN, CDN is a licensed dietitian, a Board Certified Specialist in Sports Dietetics (CSSD), a columnist, and a licensed Facilitator of the Am I Hungry? ® mindful eating program. She owns her own business, FitNutrition, LLC providing individual nutrition counseling, sports performance nutrition counseling for athletes and educational nutrition presentations on various topics for all age groups. Visit her website www.fitnutrition.net
Making
“Powerful” Decisions During Your Divorce
Sometimes your ego jumps in and you don’t even know it! You might be thinking right now “No way, I don’t have an ego”. If so, say “hello” to your
By STEPHANIE SALAMEH We make a million and one decisions on a daily basis. Most of the time we’re making those decisions without even thinking about them. We’re on automatic. We get up in the morning, shower and get dressed. Jump in the car and turn left at the stop sign to head to the office. All without really thinking. When you’re not on automatic and you have to actually stop and think about making a decision, you might find you’re letting your EGO make some of the decisions for you.
ego. Now that you’ve met let’s talk about how the ego makes decisions. Our egos make decisions based on fear. Fear that we might disappoint someone or fear of how we will appear to others. When we allow our ego to do this we aren’t making decisions based on who we really are at our core. We give our power away to our ego for fear of being judged. When I was going through my divorce in 2007 I had a huge AHA moment. Although my soon to be ex and I were not living together, he was honestly
trying to have his cake and eat it too. Getting a
The conscious decision making that I am talking
taste of the single world while still hanging onto
about is not to be confused with “Conscious
our marriage just in case. (Ok… I allowed it. At
Uncoupling”.
least I own it.)
Gwyneth Paltrow. “Conscious Uncoupling” is
I started trying to become everything I wasn’t and what I thought I needed to be for him. Maybe you can relate to this. Everything negative started running through my head. It must be my fault, I wasn’t a good wife, I’m not pretty enough, sexy enough, you name it… I thought it. I read books on how to keep my husband, be the wife he needs in the bedroom, blah blah blah. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the women that this works for. If it saved their marriage and they’re happy then I honor them for making a change and saving their marriage. However, this was not for me. I woke up one day and felt like I was SELLING OUT BIGTIME!
A new term recently used by
when two people make the decision “together” to end their marriage. Therefore they make decisions throughout the transition for a peaceful outcome. This is the lets everybody be NICEY NICE! Unfortunately, not all of us have that experience. Some will decide to leave a marriage that is unfulfilling after trying to make it work. Some will choose to leave because of physical or emotional abuse. Some…it just turns all bad! In my experience my ex decided he was leaving and he was gone. No therapy. No period of time to work it out. Nothing.
I had hit DESPERATION mode. I actually felt
When sleeping women wake, mountains move.
gross. Sick to my stomach. I was play-acting to be
- Chinese Proverb
this woman that I truly was not. I was doing all of this out of fear. Fear that if I did not do these things he would leave. YUCK! If he needed me to be someone else, then I wasn’t the woman for him and he surely as heck wasn’t the man for me. I decided at that moment I was done.
I realized that I had a choice in how this divorce would affect my life and my children. I made the decision to stop being the victim and take back control of my life. Yes I was heartbroken and devastated, but I put my ego aside, and found my power within and began using it.
My sudden realization is what lead me to what I do today. I empower women to take back control of their
I believe there’s a new way to do divorce.
life, make “conscious decisions”, say ENOUGH IS
When you choose to make decisions based on
ENOUGH and commit to transforming their life
a whole-hearted approach and you take the
after divorce. I help them live the life they desire
time to consider what’s in front of you, how it
by standing in their power. I LOVE WHAT I DO!
will affect you today and the near future…this is making a “conscious decision”. Set your ego
aside so that you are not making decisions based on fear or revenge. We already know how those divorces end! So for me it became, “OK you want a divorce… this is how it’s gonna be.” My way! This girl meant business!
Stand in your power. Stay committed to your new path. I know it’s hard. Remember, I’ve been there. Keep YOUR values and YOUR needs in your sites at all times. This is YOUR LIFE! It’s not about “US” anymore it’s about YOU. I’m on a mission to change the face of divorce! Divorce is ugly but you can control how ugly it gets and how it affects you. Today give yourself permission to stop living a life based on fear. Honor the powerful woman inside of you and show the world (and your ex) the powerful woman you are.
Stephanie Salameh
is a Divorce Recovery Life Coach. She specializes in working with women to help heal their heart and recover their life after a divorce. Stephanie’s intuitive ability allows her to connect with her clients and focus on the area’s that are holding them back from moving forward. Life after divorce can be amazing, sometimes we just need a little inspiration along the way. Visit her at www.simplyyoulivingforward.com
Determination
A True Love Story (Happening Right Now)
By DOLORES O’NEILL
and now I had a hundred questions going through my mind. Was he not well? Perhaps in jail? Even alive? The thought of anything happening to him made me feel like crying and my inability to find him on a widely used service at this time seemed strange at best. I found his ex, his daughter and even his son but not even a picture of him with any of them. Very strange.
Determination: the thing that drives you and gets you from point A to point B.
He had been on my mind for several days and when you are thinking of someone you start to long for them. What is it I am longing for?
My goal was to find out if I could find my childhood sweetheart.
We were just kids the last time we saw each other. I was 16 and he 19. It was back in the summer of 76’. His family had moved him out of New York and back to Toronto Canada and I came up for a scheduled one week visit. I left after two days and broke his heart. It seemed such an impossible task to be so far away from each other and make it
I searched the net but he was nowhere to be found. I felt compelled to know if he was okay,
work. And then there was the fact that our different religions were causing a problem for his parents. I didn’t have the strength for the fight. I was after all only 16. We lost touch after that summer and he entered the Army. We both got married to others and had kids. Life went on and it does. In 2000 I was about to turn 40 and made the decision to celebrate it so I sent him an invitation. He was not able to come but we talked many times that year then lost touch again.
and I know and he did. I FOUND MY JERRY AT LAST! He was looking for me the exact same time I was looking for him, and we are both available. I love a love story don’t you? It’s even better when the love story is yours! He asked me to come up to Toronto and take back the life that was stolen from us 38 years ago. I told my kids and they said “Go for it mom!” My son, who is coincidentally 16, said
There are people in your life that leave a lasting impression on your heart. Distance and time can’t repel the feeling or replace the loss.
“Go for it mom. Do you think happiness is going to come get you as you sit around here?”
Jerry was for me my Teddy Bear, my strength and my protector. He was a big guy to my little tiny self. His eyes sent me to places one can only dream of, and his kisses were better than Chocolate. I felt the need for those big strong arms right about now.
Jerry wanted me to come up that Friday May 16, 2014 and I was looking to book my ticket. It was then I remembered I had to be somewhere so we decided I would come Saturday and again I remembered I had plans. Since when was I so busy? Oh my GOD!
Here I sat 53 years old, twice divorced by my own initiation and had been sitting around the house when I wasn’t in school or working, waiting for a miracle. My two youngest kids pressured me to go out and get a life but I wasn’t able to. I was in a funk from the last break up and not up for reentering the big bad world again. But one thing I knew, I wish I could talk to Jerry again and know he was okay so on May 12 2014 there I was looking for him without success. I went to sleep that night feeling defeated. As I do every morning I checked my emails before leaving the house and while scanning down my eye caught a subject line that read “Jerry Old Friend”. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. What the heck can this be? I opened the email to a short note saying “Hi DD it’s Jerry hope you(‘re) the right one so text me back or email me back okay bye.” It was dated the day before, May 12th 2014. How can this be? Is someone playing a trick on me? I didn’t tell anyone I was looking for him. I wrote back and asked him to tell me something only he
All of a sudden it seemed I have the busiest social calendar in Virginia! I told him that it is best to postpone until the next week. The only problem with that is that once you find what you’re looking for patience runs out the door and your heart takes flight and the song “ain’t no stopping us now” keeps playing over and over in your mind. He said “I really want to watch the fireworks with you for Queen Victoria Day” which was coming up that very weekend. All kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. Can I get packed that quickly? I need to do a shopping so the kids have enough food. The house is a mess!!!!!!! The hell with it! I booked my flight, shopped and left the mess where I knew it would still be waiting for me upon my return. I took the early morning flight Sunday May 18, 2014 as I am a morning person and it was only going to take 3 hours to get there even with a stopover. I got in my car and drove to the
airport and it seemed like every song from the 70’s was playing. It is funny how things work out that way. Tears were streaming down my eyes yet I was numb. I was so numb in fact that the usual fear of flying reflex wasn’t there. All I wanted to do was see my Jerry again. I arrived at 9:35AM, went through customs, and out into the waiting area. Would I recognize him? He had sent me a picture but it has been 38 years after all. My eyes scanned the scene and to my right there was a very familiar stance.
I knew him instantly! With 200 feet between us, and my bags weighing me down I threw them onto the floor and me into his arms. It was like coming home. He is still a big guy only now I have also grown several inches in all directions, and here we were wrapped around each other as though not a week had passed. He asked “when did you get taller than me”? We played handsies all the way back to his place. The last 6 days have been surreal. We both ask aloud if this is really happening and neither of us can really believe it. Only the hand of GOD can be given credit for such perfect timing. I feel aglow and the look in his eyes tells me along with his
words that the love never died. His mother said she has never seen him so happy and both asked me to extend my stay. My thoughts raced to all that is waiting for me at home and all I have to do. The extra charge to change the tickets also came into play. As I struggled on what to do I remembered my son’s words ““got for it mom. Do you think happiness is going to come get you as you sit around here”?
He is right, happiness is a choice and I am determined to have it. The kids have money for food, I am free this next week and the mess will greet me warmly whenever I get back. I rebooked my flight for the following week and here I sit as Jerry sleeps writing this love story cause my Teddy Bear is once again in my arms and those hazel eyes look at me and tell me things about myself that even I don’t know and his kisses are still just as
Dolores O’Neill, PA-C CLT
ia a Physician Assistant for the past 21 years, questioning alternatives to pain and stress relief entered the Mind-Body-Spirit Medicine to better assist her patients. She has added Massage, Reflexology and Lymphedema treatment to her repertoire, and will be working towards a Masters in Nutrition and Functional Medicine. To learn more of her experience and services visit http://massagebodywork.massageplanet.com
Commitment: A Slight Shift, A Big Impact
By SHAGUFTA KHATRI If your mind is on money and money is on your mind, perhaps it is causing you worry and anxiety. I do not know your story and have not walked in your shoes; but I am just like many of you.
I know what it is to stay awake at night counting sheep, and on other nights curling up and crying myself to sleep. Worrying about paying bills on time or being intimidated by the rising credit card debt.
You have been struggling and even considered looking for the magic solution; winning the lotto! You have tried several things but nothing seemed to click. What does it take to make it; does one have to work harder or have to work smarter? Spending less is just one side of the coin; you do need to look at options to earn more too. The how of it is an entire topic, for another day. It could mean getting more paying clients for your business, getting a better paying job or turning your hobby into a side-income in your spare time. If there was one single thing I could tell you, to do differently, to get out of your financial crisis and to improve your money situation, I would say, get committed. It is not a magic pill that one swallows and boom; all problems get solved. It is something for the long haul, it is all encompassing; to stay committed.
Being committed can mean different things for different people. I will share what being committed means to me, and I know it works.
Just saying, yes, I am committed is not enough! You have to stay committed! Your thoughts, words and actions should all be in alignment with your commitment. Let me simplify this for you in one single sentence. It starts with gratitude, follows with your attitude, and finishes off with consistent and persistent action.
A Few Tips To Help You Get Started 1.
Be grateful that you have a job, business. Everyday find something, anything to be grateful for. If you can’t be grateful for what you already have, why will the Lord or the Universe give you anything more!
2. Take good care of what you already have. 3. Show up at work with a positive attitude (don’t forget to be punctual and well groomed)
4. Stop
hanging out with the whiners and complainers (instead hang out with the wannabes, the doers, the movers and the shakers).
5. Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you will land among the stars
6.
Do a thorough check of your skill set and ask a well-wisher (someone from your inner circle) to give you honest criticism.
7.
Whatever needs improvement, get working on it right away. Learn new skills at your current job and be willing to take on more responsibility.
8. Diligently
sending out resumes to places you are interested in working at will not help. That is an old strategy. Network in person and online (through LinkedIn or Facebook groups). Do update your resume and profile to match the position you are aiming at; do not send in your resume from 5 years ago.
9. If
in business, invest in yourself. Hire a coach-mentor to learn new skills in your trade. It costs money but you will reach your goals quicker and with much less frustration.
10.
11.
Avoid competing and comparing yourself to others. It is going to cause you a lot of unnecessary mental pressure and heartburn. Know your purpose or goal, then stay on your path and finally take a deep breath and let go…enjoy your journey. One last tip, after reading this article, do not move on another day without taking action. Everyday, do one small thing, take one tiny step that takes you closer to your goal.
Sometimes your goal or purpose becomes only clear after taking those first few uncertain steps. I do understand, it is not easy to stay committed; there are temptations every day to fall off- track. It is OK, if you do fall off the track, forgive yourself, get right back on and commit to your decision once again. Here, I have just mentioned being committed when it relates to your financial goals but I assure you, apply this to any aspect of your life be it health, relationships or even personal development; You will see Big impacts by making this small Shift! #To Your Peace, Progress & Prosperity :)
Shagufta Khatri is a Mentor/
Coach to Entrepreneurs who struggle with Consistent Cash-flow and want to “Keep more of the Money they Make and Make as much Money as they Want.” She works with clients in 3 strategic areas that impact their business’s bottom-line achieving a 40% increase in their net profits, within 3 months of taking her 5 week signature program “Make your Biz Your A.T.M”. Visit http://Facebook.com/ShiftThatMatters
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