FUCK YOU H H
e
o
a vs
r
m
t
e
S E X
I don’t myself a
recogni se anymor e?
#C14
Imiss th
he sound of the sea and a touch of a soft breeze
“Bea and ken neve ing
aten brobut ergivup�
The walls ar e the colour of metal heal th issues
“How to screw up a good friendship” A drug fuelled story
If People wonder why I would kill. I want them to understand that no one is happy and I choses where I am happiest to die. I might of cut my life short but I am the one in control of how short and how I die. I would never want to course harm to anyone but I know by dyeing even in the most estranged friends return to social media to show their small amount of love they had for you. Even if its not in the slightest true. I hope my family understand.
A once a m “Wha doin my
At least a day I ask myself at am I ng with y life?�
-Diary entry 24th February 2015
I
l i k e
s t a y i n g
u p
t i l l
I
s e e
t h e
s u n
a g a i n .
Listening to Brand New.
Wi s h i n g like I had s o m e t h i n g to lose.
this place is supposed to be my sanctuary. but instead i have panic attacks before i get back into this prison. I walk around the city aimlessly not giving a dam. id rather be outside in danger then being in that place. walking home through digbeth at 11.30pm isn’t the wisest idea. especially if you’re walking alone. I don’t think twice about the dangers. “carry on walking it’s only a mile.” you walk this every day. walk around digbeth at 5am see what the destructive are in love with tonight. eventually you will get the point where whatever you do someone is worse and you grown not to care about yourself. destroy your self without knowing.
Try and bu
urn away what you’ve done
the whole
Ilywill ev start w all over Wishing Icome had Thinkin IWhen was th c reson I die wa cause Ifound would fo maybe m
ventualwishing rg again. that never back. ng that coping. he only Iasdidn’t beI know dn’t be or weeks months
My eyes are from
sore
all the crying i cant explain
My
face is swollen from my
all vanity
I ran out of the dark tall forest out to a large marsh landscape. I carried on running till I could no more. I reached into the sea and dragged myself through the waves till I couldn’t reach the sand and smooth pebbles on the tips of my feet. My head went over and the waves repeatedly stopped every short breath I had. Crying with each struggle. Yet I felt like I was getting closer to where I wanted to be. Each wave getting more distance slower as my body sank. Each beat as a reminder of all the terrible things I have done. Each beat reminding me how I let everyone down even if I tried to make everything right. I finally felt as I if I was happy. The happiest time I’ve ever felt. No one to stop me. No one to hurt. A set of panic suddenly sets in. I feel my thought tightening. My lungs flooding. My heart franticly beating. Yet my body laid still as if I was resisting saving myself. I closed my eyes to stop the burning of salt water. Old distant memory of when I wasn’t so broken flashed through my mind. Colours of old past sunsets over urban and country landscapes flashed to remind me of what id will miss. As they fade I was left with the dull colour of black nerve movement. The sharp bright colours of the night to count away till I finally louse myself completely.
Look
up? Love
HO
H N
CH 3 O
"univer ty isnt everyo what a going t now?"
rsifor one. are you to do Quoted by someone who's always there to remind me that I will never achieve because they haven't
Does any other mammal feel like this?
i o d y e h t f I feel so sorry for them.
newyear2016
XXXXX
XXXXXX
I wish I wasn't so socially awkward and maybe alcohol would help that? I'm so fed up being the taxi service w hen I just want to drink with my friend agai n.
n i a g a e c n o e m i t w e i v er t n I
#16YE #16YE #16YE #16YE #16YE #16YE
EARS EARS EARS EARS EARS EARS
k
S
li l e e f o t tarting
.
in.. a g a f l se e my
There is always that one person who everyone goes to; the listener, the advice giver and the person with no problems. But what happens when the person who helps everyone is the one who is in need of help? On appearance in 2015 I was the happiest person with great family, friends and a lovely boyfriend. Women’s tennis BUCS captain and Social Sec of badminton for my university, I was a loud, confident and a care free individual.
Everything changed all a sudden at the end of first year as a PE undergraduate student and even simple tasks such as going to lectures was hard. Losing all my confident, feeling isolated and sad constantly. Nothing dramatic had happened, especially in comparison to events previously with my mum being a victim of breast cancer. I began to cry constantly, and alcohol only reinforced these feelings on nights out.
I grew up surrounded by a few friends who had mental health problems but I never understood it. They always seemed very open about how they felt (this could have been an act)
, but I could not seem to do the same. Instead I put a wall like front on, trying to be ‘over’ happy, melting down every time I managed to get a second by myself.
I thought it was a phase at first, as everyone has weeks where they find it hard to cope. However this continued for months with a dramatic weight lost from 9 to 8 stone despite the fact I was slim to begin with. I did not think I could be ill, as I live a very privileged life in comparison to lots of people with my dad being a doctor in his field. These feelings continued over summer resulting in a serious suicide attempt in October 2015. After this happened I felt I needed to tell someone as I could not cope and I did not have the strength to go
I told some people who were close to me, including my boyfriend and a friend called Ben at the time who encouraged me to go and seek medical help. This was the best through with it.
thing I done, opening up to one person changed my life and it is possible that I may not be here today if I did not pluck up the courage to tell someone. I never told my parents, I felt that they would be embarrassed and would hate to be associated with me. However my boyfriend did tell them and I will always be thankful for this. It helped me to get through what I was feeling as your parents will always love you unconditionally and they weirdly understood which I never thought possible. It is a hard situation to see your dad cry for the first time, but it showed that someone did care which I did not think anyone did at the time. I thought people would think I was odd or asking for attention, but the large majority of people were amazing and were always a phone call away when I needed someone to talk to. After an awful break up, which knocked me back down again including a further weight lost over a matter of weeks, making me near the 7 stone mark due to stopping eating completely for a few days and eating very little afterwards. I decided to quit badminton social sectary which gave me more time to focus on my degree and myself which I was struggling to concentrate on which is what I needed at the time. Continuing with being Tennis captain I told the tennis committee how I was feeling as I spend a large majority of my time with them, which helped dramatically. It is safe to say they are the nicest group of people and the abundance of support they have given me I will forever be grateful. This feeling of being loved, and the external medical support helped me recover very quickly after feeling dreadful for most of the year. Throughout counselling, I did not think I was ill. I still find it hard to accept that this was the case, but I know that it was not a pleasant time in my life which I think has made me into the kind hearted person I am today. Counselling was strange at first as I thought it was for people who had much more serious issues than me, but it helped more than anything. Having that one hour a week to talk to someone who is non-judgmental and who can emphasis with me helped greatly. I have always been sporty but sport has helped me even more in my recovery, not just the endorphin’s it releases but having a time each week where I could forget about everything. Now, I could not be a happier person. I am able to see that I have the most understanding and loving family who will go to great lengths with everything and friends who make my insides hurt with laughter. No boyfriend, but I am happy that he was a part of my recovery despite the fact we no longer associate ourselves with each other, I will always be thankful that he tried his best to help. I still have days where I feel dreadful, but these are more like the ‘normal’ person would have. I have lost some friends, but there will always be a stigma attached to mental health issues which has improved these past years. It also shows that they were not true friends as well, which I learnt the hard way. Months since, I have now put all the weight back on (you try stopping me eating in the Chinese buffet). So yes, there is a light in the tunnel. It is about opening up to those who are close around you and seeking that medical help even if you do not think it will useful or do not consider your problems are worth mentioning. If you are telling yourself that no one will miss you, then you are wrong. Everyone has had an effect on someone in their life time, despite the fact you may feel that no one will notice if you are gone, they will. Hopefully my story can inspire those who are going through a difficult time at the moment to get help because what you are feeling now will honestly get better with the right support from experts and those surrounded by you.
What do you want from us? A guilt trip? a plead for sympathy? sorry love you’re not getting anything from me.
Other people might not see through you lies. they are nieve and forget the past way to quickly. Carrying on being poison love. carry on with killing everyone in your sights.
Why er l tha inte
y have you nevliked to acknowledge at I am just as elligent as you
Just because you academic grades are higher?
A depiction of my diary from September 2014 to April 2016. A Picture into my mind through out starting university and struggling with depression and anxiety issues. Some pictures are direct from my diary but most reinterpreted from text or small sketches. This whole process for me is the final way to look back and see what I have come through. I do not want sympathy. I just want to prove to myself that I am a stronger person than I think I am. I am publishing this purely on the idea that hopefully there will be other people that can relate to these images and to educate other people how powerful small words and actions can really impact health. There is a lot of graphic images and every image is my own. I can’t say this more often but please if you are feeling even slightly worried about your own or anyone else’s mental health people seek professional help. For myself seeking medical and professional help has saved my life. Please take care of yourself and others around you.
Designed and taken from the diary of Harriet Smithson