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the man UNDER the beanie hat

Portland Or: does it really exist?

Secrets to having lucious arm hair inside!

F!@# Chicken: chicken: a memoir

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LLOOUUDDER ER! 2

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CONTENTS

PDX

The Man Under the Hat

F!@#$ Chicken: A Memoir

Sex (Jokes) Tips column

F!@# Chicken:

How and why I have c Once upon a time. In a cold finals night.

My doorbell rang. My aunt was there and she handed me a box. I noticed that something was moving inside and when I opened it I saw two little chicks. One was white and the other was black. I named the brown one Steve and the white one Erwin (written with E instead of I for Eggs..

I came up with that on the spot. I had finals and my brain wasn’t at its finest.)

They were cute and chirpy and chicky just like real chicken! we fed them every day and kept them in the yard!

Steve and Erwin were a bunch of troublemakers.

They liked to poop everywhere every time as if the whole earth was their very own toilet. I couldn’t blame them because that’s what chicken do! Steve even pooped some eggs! like small eggs not the ones sold in the supermarket and she keeps them near piles of poo which is not adorable at all. Dad saw the eggs and was like Eureka! He later brought a rooster (I named him Bundokhan. don’t ask me what that means I know no better.) Bundokhan was an old fowl, He was our stud, we got him in there to mate. It took a while but Bundokhan and Steve believed in love at one point and she got two adorable chicks! One of them was yellow with some black/ brown spots and the other one was jet black. I named the first one Louis and the black one Lex Luther. Louis was my favorite chick because he was so adorable!

But his mom begs to differ.

You see, Steve hated Louis. I saw her trip Louis a couple of times before in a way that he can’t get up (which was adorably agonizing.) she did that more than once under my watch and I had to help baby Louis to his feet more than once. I started hating on Steve.

24 hours later. We found Louis’s dead body, with Erwin chewing on it. he’s infamously known to be very gluttony.

She never stops eating. This stupid creature actually ate the little flesh on poor dead Louis.

I was very very enraged upon seeing so.

Lex Luther was following his mommy like a spoiled brat and Louis is half inside Erwin half devoured by the ground. What kind of mos kill her child for her sister? That’s evil even by the standards of Grimm fairy tales.

Every time I see the happy chicken, I chase them around till it becomes hard for me to breathe. Sometimes I sneak on them at night while they’re sleeping and use a flashlight to wake them up. “HOPE YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT LOUIS, YOU MOT*****ERS!” I mentally shout to the stupid feather and meat on legs.

Was that the end of the Poultry mischief? No. Oh boy no.

We happen to raise wild Thyme in our garden.

Thyme is an awesome plant! it’s fluffy and smells good! its leaves are like some sort of nice fabric or something. they’re also very easy to plant and grow! I am sorta botanophobic (aka I’m afraid of plants. Yes I’m that much of a coward). When I was little my sisters were telling me about flowers that eat humans and there was a giant plastic flower around and they kept scaring me about it and here I am today, afraid of freaking flowers.) and Thyme plants sorta help me overcome my weird fear.

So in a nutshell: I dig thyme plants.

Guess who else digs them.. that’s right: The

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A Memoir

come to hate chicken.

Poultry Poopers Gang.

The place where chicken consider themselves at home is the other side of the house. They occasionally go on recon missions like the overevolved T-Rex they are. And they found some good green things that reward the mouth once bitten. Their passion for Italian food was a bit irrational.

Those preying butthats managed to somehow destroy my whole garden in the course of a week. Total annhilation, that’s what. There was absolutely no mercy. So my advice to you, dear reader, is this: every time you happen upon chicken, f***ing devour it. Chicken are at their best when dead.

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PDX To be fully honest, sometimes I have doubts about Portland, OR ever existing. I am fully aware this is not a travel magazine, but Portland is never not worth mentioning. Imagine the relief after smoking a cigarette but lasting a lifetime, or so it seemed at the time. It’s like looking at a photograph of a lover, hell I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t in love with that place.

It’s captivating, it’s alluring. Your soul would take a part of it for itself like a solar panel eating the sun. Portland was quiet when you needed it to be quiet and energetic when you need a spur of energy; the city was alive. It is its own entity: a living, evolving, neversettling homogenous being, something higher than a person, higher than a community.

It’s a boundary of dreams, surrounded by a fence of unbelievablity, accessible only from a hole in the fabrics of a grimmer parallel reality. This photo up there is of one trip we took to shoot some guns in a shooting range up in North Portland back in August, it’s not exactly the most accurate represenation of the peace-loving, hippie-infested Portland. But for me this symbolizes something else. I would never have touched a gun in my life, and to be frank I’m fairly terrified of the things. But

there I was triumphant with my victory over a hanging paper nonetheless. I grew up in the span of six months, I changed for the better. I became braver, maybe still fearful, but that’s what made it exciting. Every experience was new, and I wasn’t afraid to do it.

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THE MAN UNDER THE BEANIE Did you always want to be a graphic designer?

happiness and sadness, I still feel terrible for disappearing like that. They were family.

I’d like to think Graphic Design got into me, as a kid I wanted to be a scientist. My dream was to teach Geology in a university, but I got into a complicated side quest that ended up as a career.

What are you going to do after JWU?

Between dealing drugs and world domination, I probably would try finding a job here in Americaland. Honestly, anywhere but home is okay.

How did you end up here?

Many elements were in motion actually. I originally intended to do my Bachelor’s in Oregon State University (GO BEAVERS!!) but my sister wanted to do her Masters in RISD. Saudi law requires women to travel with a “guardian,” a male escort[sic] otherwise the government won’t allow her to travel. My family thought since I’m already there in America, it would be no problem if I switch coasts and go all the way to Rhode Island. I literally moved overnight. I didn’t even say goodbye to the family I lived with or to my friends. It was horrible. I hated Providence at first. I kept in touch with my friends from back in Portland, they’d send me these nice pictures and I would feel a mix of

Will you go out with me?

What are you talking about you are m– oooooooooh. Aha definitely. Hey there hot stuff.

What’s your advice for future graphic desingers?

Trust your first instinct, it’s usually right.

Don’t be shy to ask other people for their take or advice, but talking with people will set your mind straight, and that’s usually your first instinct, albeit with a few modifications.

Just be bold and experimental, you’d be surprised by how easy it is to impress.

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Your inner demons called.

They say they miss our food It’s rude to keep them waiting.

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DEVIL’S

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