KID CURFEW

Kid Curfew in Effect Downtown

A collective of decidedly childless millennials has banded together to pass a new rule that might leave some parents crying in their beer. The group garnered thousands of signatures and put pressure on local government officials. This tactic appears to have worked. Last month the city commission narrowly passed an ordinance banning children from all downtown shared spaces, including bars, breweries, and restaurants, which were the original target of the regulation. This ‘kid curfew’ is in effect between the hours of 7 pm and 7 am. Dogs are still welcome, anytime.

“Hear me out,” began the curfew’s most prominent champion, who could only be described as drunk on power, Melissa K. Aaron. “Kids are kind of the worst. They’re sticky, they smell, they’re loud. You know what else is sticky and smelly and loud? Bars. That must be why parents think it’s cool to bring their kids.” Another supporter of the curfew said, “Look, we just want to get sloppy and say a few curse words over some drinks – is that too much to ask? Does every space have to be ‘familyfriendly’? Maybe get a sitter?”

Many establishments that serve alcohol allow and even accommodate children, ensuring they have games to play and nonalcoholic options to drink. Lakeland is an exceptionally family-friendly community. The passing of this curfew outraged more than a few parents who like to imbibe with a toddler or two in tow.

“Just because we’re parents doesn’t mean we don’t want to socialize too,” said one father who called the curfew “a major overstep.”

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“We bring our kids so drinking can be a family activity – it’s fun for everyone. Mom is more fun when she’s a little loose. Woooooo!” said one tipsy mother of two who is also unhappy with the new rule.

To accommodate parents under this ordinance, bars and restaurants are constructing areas specifically for children. These designated areas are the only exception to the curfew. A local brewery is working on a model similar to a bike rack where you can put a combination lock on your kid and pick them up when you’re ready to leave. The sleek, modern kid rack, designed by Nailed-It Construction, comes with an attached trough that will be filled with Kool-Aid, apple juice, or Capri Sun. Other cities are considering this type of rack, which has been lauded as “the height of function and design.”

Many downtown establishments have installed coat hooks along the entrance walls. Babies under six months can be left in their baby carriers and hung on the coat rack – a rather convenient way to store your baby while you have dinner and drinks.

Higher-end bars and restaurants have implemented a ‘kid check’ in place of a coat check. Parents can leave their child or children at the kid check and receive a ticket which they will turn in to pick up their kid(s) after their meal. “We have swapped a few kids by accident and have had several parents “forget” to pick up their child when leaving. Other than that, it’s been a pretty smooth system,” said one Lakeland restaurant owner.

Breaking the curfew will result in more than a fine or slap on the wrist. Children caught downtown, out of kid-acceptable areas between 7 pm and 7 am, will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. According to the local police chief, “Our deputies will be arresting children out past curfew. They can cry for their mommies all they want, but the law is the law. If you break the law, you will go to kid jail. And for you repeat offenders – kid prison.”

One little boy caught violating the curfew with his mom was arrested on Wednesday. While being apprehended by police, the perp in question, one Timmy M., age 5, was heard shouting, “This is widicuwous. You’ll be heawing fwom my wawyer.” ‘Resisting arrest’ is expected to be added to his list of charges.

Those opposed to this ordinance are asked to meet up in the parking lot of the senior Little Rascal races later this month to protest. Protest organizers say to BYOJ (Bring Your Own Jazzy) and leave children at home. Those in favor of or opposition to the kid curfew can send letters to the editor to april_foolz@havenmagazines.com.