A Postpartum Night

A Postpartum Night

Reuben Tacas

Dear Baby,

Do you cry like everyone else?

I hope you’re just hungry.

Yet, I still blame myself.

They say you are mine.

I can’t question the doctor,

But deep down—How?

Can I be your mother?

I want to forget it.

What they put me through—

The cuts. The stabs. The bleeding.

For you! They just wanted you!

What am I saying?

My tears swell with regret.

I love you, okay?

Don’t you ever forget.

People say this is normal,

But they don’t have a clue.

How. Much. I. Hate. To. Hear.

That it’s painful and true.

Dear Baby,

I love you like no other.

This will be different than before—I swear.

You’re alive and well unlike your brother.

The poem is written from the perspective of a mother who is struggling with postpartum depression. Her words show that there is more to her suffering than just a simple diagnosis of “PPD” on a clinical note. Clinicians sometimes fail to meet patients where they are in life, neglecting the full breadth of their patients’ realities and prolonging their suffering. As a male nursing student, I acknowledge that I will never be able to truly fathom this struggle of women, but I decided to write this piece to challenge my biases, my insecurities, and the stigma of being a male nurse. Drawing inspiration from testimonies, autobiographies, and photographs, this poem represents my genuine and humble compassion toward the hurting women contending with postpartum depression, miscarriages, and other complications in pregnancy. Moreover, I hope this poem honors and validates the lives of the brave women who have shared their experiences with me.

-Reuben Tacas is a senior in the UNC School of Nursing from Durham, NC.-