We’re Just Dating, Dad

By Rev. Steve Riordan

“I know he’s not Lutheran, but we’re just dating, Dad. It’s not like I am going to marry him.” So went the fateful words of my wife as a teenager. Her father had expressed some concern over who she was dating. I was the “non-Lutheran” who she was “just dating” and not going to marry. Twenty-five years and three children later, one could easily question her ability to predict the future! Fortunately for us (and I admit some prejudice here), things have worked out well. I became Lutheran, and with Christ and His Sacraments at the center of our relationship, our marriage has remained strong.

My situation is not that unusual though. While at one time dating someone of another faith was rare, this is not the case today. Our current culture encourages minimizing the differences between both religions and denominations. If you’re a teen, you’ll likely face dating someone outside your own faith, if you haven’t already.

The concerns, however, are real and not just your parents’ hangups. As my own circumstance shows, the “we’re just dating, Dad” approach, although spoken with all sincerity at the time, frequently leads to a more serious relationship: marriage. That is really the issue. Dating is not purely a recreational activity. It leads to marriage. Granted, this is not always one hundred percent true, but marriage is, after all, the point of dating. So, who should believers date?

One might think that a quick trip to the Bible would answer all of our questions. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. The Scriptures offer very little (if any) direct dating advice. Consequently, we look at passages about marriage and sort of back in to the whole dating thing. Yet, here too things are not so cut and dry. Deuteronomy 7:3 seems clear enough. Moses warns God’s people about the unbelievers living in the land: “Do not intermarry with them” (NIV). There seems to be no fuzz on that. However, just a few short chapters away in Deuteronomy 21:10–11, Moses permits believing soldiers to marry unbelievers. So, the rule in the Old Testament does not appear to be absolute.

Likewise, in the New Testament, much of what we have held as clear is not. 2 Corinthians 6:14–16 speaks of being “unequally yoked.” Many Christians see this as the final word on marrying an unbeliever. Don’t do it. End of subject. However, the context does not address the topic of marriage at all.

Even Martin Luther didn’t completely rule out marriage between believers and unbelievers. In his 1522 essay entitled The Estate of Marriage, Luther wrote, “Just as I may eat, drink, sleep, walk, ride with, buy from, speak to, and deal with a heathen, Jew, Turk, or heretic, so I may also marry and continue in wedlock with him. Pay no attention to the precepts of those fools who forbid it.” In his Pastoral Theology, C. F.W. Walther, the first president of The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod, too, did not see an absolute prohibition.

So where does that leave us? Who should you date? Well, just because the Bible doesn’t specifically say, “Thou shalt only date Lutherans” does not mean that it has nothing to say to us. In fact, all the passages that caution against marrying an unbeliever do so as part of a greater warning to believers not to be tempted away from the faith by those who don’t believe. This, of course, is the real danger. It goes too far to claim that the Scriptures forbid grabbing a bite to eat and going to a movie with an unbeliever. At the same time, however, we must recognize that our emotions often triumph in romantic relationships. The problems may not show up in sharing a bag of popcorn, but they will down the road when sharing decisions on how to raise children. How will an unbeliever feel about raising your children with Christian values? Will he support your efforts or undermine them? Will he try to keep you from being faithful? Will his unbelief lead you astray even, perhaps, to following his beliefs? These are the serious issues.

As Christians, however, we recognize that just because Scripture permits something does not necessarily make it the best choice. St. Paul echoes this in 1 Corinthians 6:12: “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial” (NIV). In fact, seeking only the permissible just feeds the little legalist that lives inside each of us. Our old Adams are bent on seeing how far we can push the limits of

God’s Law. God desires us to act wisely and to do what is best. In the case of dating, what is best? What is wise? Without a doubt, it is best to find someone with whom you can call upon Christ Jesus with one heart and one voice. It is best to find someone who clearly knows that Jesus Christ and His cross are the keys to salvation. It is best to date someone who understands that marriage is to reflect Christ’s relationship to His Church.

Is there a better best? As a Lutheran pastor, I advise the teens of my congregation to find as much common ground as possible in dating. Obviously, that means dating a Lutheran. My own situation is testimony to this. Looking back, I see the importance a common viewpoint on Christ, His cross, and the absolute saving power of His grace has meant in my marriage. Dating someone who shares your views on the means of grace, who understands the importance of infant Baptism, who knows that God comes to us in His Word, and who is strengthened by the Supper of our Lord will bring much peace should you decide to marry. Christ at work in these things is what makes relationships work. So, in dating, do the wise thing and do it in Jesus’ name.

Rev. Steve Riordan serves at Grace Lutheran Church in Western Springs, Illinois, and can be reached at steversharon@juno.com.