When a Loved One Dies

by Christine Mons

In the fall of 1984, I was a freshman at the University of Michigan. Life seemed to stretch before me with limitless possibilities and avenues to explore. I loved my dorm, and the all-girls wing where I was housed had quickly coalesced into a tight-knit family. We were young, alive, and invincible.

It was after 10:00 p.m. on an October night when the phone rang in my friend Wendy’s room. Most of us had packed in the books for the day and were sitting out in the hallway talking. Music blared from open doors as people filtered in and out, wandering up and down the hall visiting.

Wendy’s mom was on the phone. In a few minutes, Wendy’s face contorted into fear and shock. Her mom was telling her that her father had dropped over dead from a sudden heart attack. Suddenly, grief and loss had infiltrated our utopia, and none of us were immune from it.

Wendy’s world collapsed that night. As her friends, we tried to console her, but our friendship was a weak substitute for her parental support. For many of us, grief had never touched our young lives, and in our inexperience, we felt ashamed and embarrassed. We didn’t know what to say or when to say it. We neither knew the words nor had ideas about resources to help our friend.

Wendy was not alone. According to the National Students of AMF (Ailing Mothers, Fathers at www.studentsofamf.org), 35–48 percent of college students have lost a family member or close friend within the last two years. Yet many of these students feel isolated by their grief and struggle through college with an invisible but very real burden that segregates them from their peers.

Many young people reading this article know exactly how Wendy felt. You have lost a parent and now must face a world that expects you to grow up much too quickly. There are resources to help. Please understand that you are not alone.

On Campus: Your Local LCMS Campus Ministry

A campus pastor is much more than a preacher on Sunday mornings. He is a resource for you. If you are alone, call your pastor. Stop by his office. Drop by his house if he lives nearby. As the wife of a campus pastor, let me assure you that he and his family would much rather you do that then you struggle with the weight of grief and loneliness on your own. Pastors will not only let you unburden yourself, but they have the experience and the knowledge to help you through a time of mourning. As clergy, they also may have access to resources within the community that can provide support for you in addition to your local church if it is needed.

On Your Own

Grab your Bible. Keep it close. There are times when you may want nothing to do with God, but the good news is God loves you regardless of—and often in spite of—your attitudes and emotions. He sent His own dear Son to earth to do for us what we could not do for ourselves. Jesus loves us so much that He willingly died on the cross on Calvary to take away sins: yours, mine, and those of your loved one. He gives us His precious Word so that in times of trial we can hold onto truth. Last June, after the death of my much-loved father-in-law, I clung to the words of Psalm 121. The verses matched the beauty of the Catskill Mountains in New York where he lived, and for me, that Psalm and the loveliness of that area are inextricably linked.

Online

There are some very good grief support groups online, but always be wary when obtaining any information on the Web. Perhaps the best I have found to date is a secular site found at http://www.studentsofamf.org.This site is designed to support college students dealing with illness or death. Because it is a secular site, it lacks a Christ-centered foundation in its information, and the spiritual element is not represented. It’s worth checking out but in conjunction with support from your church. Understanding this, the site has some excellent information about the grieving process and also has a list of campus chapters of support groups. Two worthwhile sections are “Tips on Living with Loss” and the “5 Feelings You May Experience During Grief.”

Death isolates. By its very nature, it separates us from our loved ones and then, in a sinister second act, seeks to separate the grieving from help and comfort. For college students away from home, support systems can be difficult to find. God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, does not want us to be alone in times of grief. If you are experiencing the trauma of loss, please seek the help and comfort that is yours in Christ. If you find yourself with a friend who has recently experience this sort of loss, continue to be a friend. Be someone who listens, understanding that each person grieves according to his or her own method.The resources in this article can also help you as you seek to provide comfort and care.

Mrs. Christine Mons is the wife of Rev. Max Mons at St. Paul’s Lutheran Chapel and Student Center at the University of Iowa in Iowa City, Iowa.