LOCAL CHARITY
Nicola Welsh “There are no rules for grieving”
“I want to break the taboo around discussing stillbirth and neonatal death, and make it normal to talk about it,” I’m chatting to Nicola in her kitchen at home in Threemiletown, surrounded by all the usual family trappings - photos of her boys, birthday balloons, toys and the family dog. But Nicola carries the invisible scars of neonatal bereavement, and she is dedicated to helping other families who have suffered in the same way. Setting out initially to create a support group for her local community, it snowballed and she now finds herself Chief Executive of SANDS Lothians (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society), a charity providing support and services for bereaved families across Edinburgh and the Lothians. Nicola and her husband Gary discovered during her second pregnancy that their baby had a serious condition called exomphalos. Theo was born and battled through three weeks and four operations. For three weeks they believed he would pull through. But when he passed away, they were left not only obviously bereft but with no support to help them deal with it. “The hospital [Sick Kids in Edinburgh] was phenomenal in what they did to help Theo,” recalls Nicola, “but once you’ve lost your baby, there is no counselling or obvious supports available via the NHS*. We were left totally alone.” While her peers were going to new mums and babies groups, Nicola was alone with her toddler and what she describes as feelings of “intense, scary and 28 | THE DELL
overwhelming grief” and was desperate for professional help. The community midwife had visited for post natal care, and she was lucky to have some good friends, but Nicola was desperate to meet someone who had had the same experience. “Meeting other bereaved parents helps to validate your feelings,” she says. “It’s particularly difficult for parents of stillborn babies as there are no photographs or memories to draw on.” It was nine months until Nicola met someone else who had lost a baby, and she finally started to find some validation of her feelings. “You never heal completely,” she says. “That particular train has gone, and it leaves you standing on the platform waiting for the next train which is one of deep sadness. But you can shape where you want it to go by talking about it.” After the birth of her third boy, Oscar, Nicola set about in earnest to create a support group for her local area. She found out about SANDS Lothians (separate from the UK-wide SANDS charity) which was in existence, but no-one had told Nicola about it and there was no local group. It’s been hard work, but today SANDS Lothians is a stand-alone charity of which Nicola is the Chief Executive. They offer counselling, befriending and regular family support groups. They provide photo albums for parents to record their brief time with their baby. They can help talk through funeral arrangements with parents. And they work constantly to raise the profile of the charity so that midwives and doctors know to refer people to them. @KonectMagazines
