The End

That’s where it starts, whatever it is. It begins with the end of something else. It’s part of the cycle of life and a part that we often try to gloss over and maybe even ignore. I mean, if a person actually dies, then maybe we’ll allow a short mourning period…but then we expect people to get on with their lives. We expect this of ourselves. (And truth be told, no matter how we mourn or get on with it, we’ll never do it the ‘right’ way according to some concerned party. Alas, that’s a topic for a different day. I’ll just remind you that you can’t please everyone nor control anyone other than yourself. So, you do you, boo.) No matter what, though, if there is a beginning to celebrate, there is an ending too. If there is a beginning to fumble through, there is an ending too. If there is a beginning to face bravely, there is an ending.

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Appointments Available If summer fun is beginning, then the school year has ended. If a graduation occurs, then some level of schooling has ended. If a new song starts playing, another has come to an end. If it’s time to harvest, then that time for growth has ended.

There is always an end and I want to talk about it. How can we embrace the full cycle more authentically? How can we be more compassionate with ourselves and others during the endings? Let’s chat.

Probably because of what the words mean (silly definitions), we tend to identify the beginning as the thing that happens first. I want to challenge you to throw caution to the wind and think about the end as the thing that happens first. The end is the thing that creates space for a new thing to happen, to begin. The end is the bit that breaks us down and, if we make it through the end, we find a way to gather our wits and begin again. The end is essential. Let’s not gloss over it.

I think one of the reasons our culture has a habit of rushing through endings or focusing on the new beginning to come is that we’re not comfortable with grief. We think we’re doing the right thing by focusing on the positive, but…

Okay, I’m going to come clean with you all right now. As a Navy family we moved often, not as much as some, more than others, but more than enough for our incredible children. As the constant in their lives, I tried to help them each time by getting excited about what we were going to get to experience in some new state. We’d talk about the zoo, the activities to meet new friends, and the chance to see some famous tourist trap in person. I acknowledged it would be sad to move away from everything and everyone we knew, again, “BUT, you can email and call and send letters and aren’t you excited about…??”

I meant well. I thought I was doing things right. Yet I was actually teaching my kids to swallow sadness, pain, and grief (every. time.) in favor of the easier emotions of excitement and new joy. I was absolutely glossing over the endings to rush to the beginnings. It turns out, that’s not good for our mental health. Theirs, mine, yours. Until we see this, though, we’ll just continue doing it. Trust me, I know. We’ve moved more than a handful of times.

So, a few things…grief and the word but. Let’s start with the little conjunction - but. What if you could simply start by replacing ‘but’ with ‘and?’ Does that open a little more space for seeing the ending, feeling it’s feels? Another option is to leave it out altogether along with everything that follows it. Let’s look at examples.

“Mama, I don’t want to leave my friends again.” “I know, but aren’t you excited to meet new friends and see the Grand Canyon and see your grandparents when we move?”

“Mama, I don’t want to leave my friends again.” “I know, and there’s room for that and excitement about what’s to come.”

“Mama, I don’t want to leave my friends again.” “I know.”

Subtle differences that allow for different emotions to remain present and get processed. Something to think about, for you and me both. And why does it make a difference? Because it gives us a chance to grieve, so let’s move on to that.

Grief. It’s a doozy. We can experience the emotions that are contained within that small word for many reasons and if you feel angry, sad, numb, depressed, guilty, fearful, or any number of other things you might be grieving something. Maybe not. Either way, these emotions are often considered less than desirable yet they’re so vital to our overall well being and we need to learn to feel them and let them go, to express them appropriately and let them move through and out of our systems. This is how we, as humans, grow. It’s also a way we care for our mental and physical health. If we don’t process them and, instead, stuff them deep down or ignore them, they create all sorts of issues in our lives. We can develop physical problems like tight muscles (that, in turn, pull on joints and other muscles and compound the issue), stomach aches, or headaches. We can develop mental health problems like anxiety or depression. We can pass on stress-related struggles through nature or nurture as trauma and continued stress (which is what undealt with grief is) actually changes our DNA, which we give to our children and we teach what we know.

So, grief is a doozy, but what do we ‘do-zy’ with it? Did you get it? See what I did there? Did you giggle or guffaw or roll your eyes? Humor is one approach to dealing with pain. There’s that old saying that laughter is the best medicine and even if it’s not the answer to every problem, it probably doesn’t hurt either! A few years ago I taught a class for a homeschool co-op about alternative therapies and learned about a guy who had a rare pain disorder. He was in so much pain that he couldn’t sleep for more than a few minutes at a time, which isn’t great and leads to even more issues. He found that if he laughed for ten minutes, he could sleep for about four hours! Ten minutes is a long time to laugh, but I’d give that guy a round of applause for figuring this out. And, the bonus is that you don’t need to truly find things funny. Your body and brain don’t know the difference between fake laughter and real laughter. What?! Nice, right?

Other than laughter, how else can we process the emotions of an ending we’re struggling with? Talk about them, write about them, cry about them. Memorials are a great way to remember people, places, or anything really and can be scrapbooks, posters, Pinterest boards, gatherings. If you have a physical memorial, it’s also something you can look at and sit with when the waves of hurting come back. That’s right, folks, grief comes back even when we think we’re done with it. Songs, smells, seeing something familiar to the time before whatever end you’re grieving - it can all bring back a swell of hard feelings and it doesn’t care who you’re with or where you’re at. Grocery stores, dances, the dinner table…grief will do what it does and every time you need to find a way to do what you need to do so that it doesn’t get worse. Whether you deal with it or not, it’ll come back. If you embrace the feelings and let them be felt, the waves will become more doable, less frequent, and you’ll feel more capable each time. If you don’t allow the feelings to get processed, the waves will still come and each time they’ll get harder to push down, more forceful in their demanding to be dealt with. You can imagine that’s not healthy or good for you. So…grieve, my friend. Dance it out, exercise the anger away, talk to a counselor, have people over to hear about the ending you had to go through for this new beginning to take root. What if your ending is a joyful one or a relief? We’ve all had that, ‘I’m so glad that’s over’ feeling before, right? And, in true societal form, we want to rush past that ending as well. I’d like to suggest that even the endings we’re glad about deserve some attention. Do you all remember when Marie Kondo was everywhere and she talked about thanking items and letting them go? That’s such a healthy way to process the end of something that was awful or hard or traumatic and that we’re so glad is over. Even if the situation wasn’t worth gratitude, something about it was.

“Thank you to my body for holding me while I healed from that accident.” “Thank you for the lessons I learned about patience, compassion, and recovery.”

“Thank goodness the sun kept rising every day to provide one stable thing in my life over the last month of chaos.” In this way, by acknowledging and showing gratitude for what is ending, you’re cueing your nervous system to let go of the stress associated with it. Again, that’s key. When we rush to put something behind us, we’re really just storing it in our bodies. We have to feel the feels. I know, sometimes that sucks. And, as my therapist likes to say, “This is hard and we continue anyway.”

There are also endings that might hold extra umph for you but that same experience isn’t shared by everyone. Let’s be honest about this…these can be extra tough, especially if it’s not only not the same for everyone and they don’t understand why it’s so hard for you. In those cases there’s not only a larger cultural pressure to get over it and move on to the new beginning, but there are often people who will say that directly to you. And they’re so well meaning.

EllagistasFoodTruck B O B A T E A + F R E N C H M A C A R O N S C U S T O M D E S S E R T S + C A T E R I N G “It’s not that bad, just focus on the next game.” “You should consider yourself lucky. So-and-so had it so much worse.” “In five years you won’t even care about this.”

These situations might be more sensitive because people we care about and that care about us are telling us to swallow our endings. Again, I am guilty of this. And I’ve been on the receiving side of ‘thoughtful’ comments that really just make me feel like I’m doing everything wrong. So, take a deep breath and don’t assume I’m coming for you to put you in your place. I am hopeful that we all, myself included, take a moment to think first about how our help comes across and I’m concentrating more on being a recipient and processing in a healthy way. So, another deep breath won’t hurt…and then listen up if you’ve felt the sting of someone telling you your ending isn’t worth the attention you’re giving it.

Only you know how significant something is to you. Only you can honestly identify the feelings you experience when something ends. Only you can determine if your processing of those feelings and that significant something is enough.

If you’re anything like me, that can feel a little overwhelming and like a lot of responsibility. Good news, though, none of this means you can’t get help! I’m an advocate for therapy for almost any reason, but especially in these cases. Counselors are there to help you figure out your stuff! Their education teaches them how to help you untangle the threads that can feel knotted up and confusing. They can help you when it seems everyone else is already past whatever you’re not past yet.

Of course, you may be able to move through this on your own or have someone trusted that can help, but don’t assume that just because people are telling you it’s not a big deal that that’s the truth for you. Trust yourself. Love yourself enough to work to recognize and feel the hard things, and then to let them go.

I know that endings aren’t usually fun, but not everything in life is. And endings are as much a part of life as new beginnings and they deserve a little more attention. YOU deserve for the endings in your life to get a little more attention and be processed and let go from your body. And with that thought, I’ll let this be where I end.

Take one more deep breath in…and let it go.