Gift Giving

Gift Giving {more than perfect presents}

I had an experience a few days ago that really got me thinking. We were getting ready for Miss Lillian’s 9th birthday and Heather and I – in our roles of loving aunt and uncle – offered to go shopping with Heather’s dad as he was looking for a little help connecting with the perfect gift to show a cherished granddaughter just how much her doting grandfather was thinking of her. The entire process, and the final results were heartwarming. We kicked off the evening with dinner on one of those first rainy nights that started to hit us in mid-October and the conversation quickly turned to Joe’s adorable desire to align with Lillian’s current life and interests. As you may know from the dedication in the beginning of the last issue, Debbie, Joe’s wife and Heather’s mom, recently passed. So Joe now found himself in a new role – out to do the shopping that would normally be planned and led by his beloved wife, and desperately wanting to have that same curated and thoughtful impact that her gift giving always had. “Well, Dad, you’re going to have to learn about a certain store that might seem a little overwhelming.” Heather was ready to help as we all ordered dinner and she then quickly gave her father the run-down on what to expect when we went out shopping. To be fair, shopping with the nieces can often be just as daunting as shopping for them. The last time we were out at the local mall, and in Lillian’s favorite store I felt like we ought to pay for a cot in the back, and take up residence. Her little sister, Annabelle, was much quicker at that particular stop, and had landed on her most desired item about 30 seconds after walking in the door. But Lillian, surrounded by costume jewelry of every size, style and form stared with glee and hours later finished near a panic of self-doubt and anxiety. She had touched every single item in the store at least twice and was determined to make the perfect choice to the “one item” rule Heather had established on our way in. But how was that possible for an 8 year old in a store so full of beauties and baubles galore? As Annabelle sat patiently hugging her squishy stuffed unicorn, Lillian’s head spun from-

Tony by Niccoli

-left to right and top to bottom, scanning every rack to make sure nothing was missed. She pondered the lasting ramifications of failing to choose wisely until the process had ceased to be meaningful and fun for her. Luckily, Aunt Heather was there with a quick save and some sage advice. A coin was flipped, a frown detected, and that item that had been about to be put back was carried up to the counter for purchase. All was well with the world and the two girls were laughing and showing off their perfect finds to each other. A few stores later, as we entered Annabelle’s favorite spot, the tides reversed. Lillian made a quick and confident choice while her little sister filled the remainder of our shopping excursion pondering the comparative joy that could be derived from each possible selection. This time we were quicker to act after having seen the dilemma at the previous stop. The anxiety of picking the perfect treat was standing in the way of the purpose of the activity itself. Once that simple hangup was removed, the process was both fun and meaningful again. And this isn’t reserved for “treat-yo-self” day, but is even more pronounced when we get out ahead of ourselves shopping for that perfect gift for others. In the end, it was the day together that mattered the most, and once the worry about self-care present shopping had faded, it was lunch together to brought out the most smiles. So, now ready to take Joe fearlessly into the depths of the interests of children of today (long removed from anything recognizable from his childhood a few generations past) we made the process the focus and not the item. It worked wonders, but turned out a little unexpectedly. Heather started with some questions about what he hoped to find. And any specific type of gift that made the most sense to Joe along with budget. Since he was totally open on type and just wanted his granddaughter to feel delighted, we had a blank canvas to paint, and an evening to spend hunting for treasures together. And where I expected Joe to be a bit out of his element, and unimpressed with the fancies of this young set, ready to grab something that looked appropriate and scoot to the checkout knowing that he had landed within the parameters of what we described as her set of favorites, it was actually the exact opposite thing that happened. I wasn’t running a clock on it either day, but I would estimate that Joe spent about the exact same amount of time as Lilly, beginning in a fit of joy and optimism just as she had – and ultimately descending into self-doubt and worry at the prospect of coming up with something less than ideal. His heart was so in it, that this old crusty coot was actually crouched down in front of a revolving rack of little girl’s earrings saying some of the exact same things his granddaughter had been saying a few months before. “Oh, look here – these have really cute penguins on them! Oh, no, would it be better to get this set that comes with different colors of doughnuts. These are dangly, but might be a little to long, do you think? How about pairing those silver ones with that bracelet we saw back there.” He was on lap three, had touched ever item in the store, and was looking to Heather for some- -advice. I was grinning and laughing. I would have easily understood so much attention to detail in the hardware or auto parts store, but this was mall shopping for a 9 year old and Joe was hooked! Heather expertly brought us back into focus on what really mattered, and took away the stressful part. Joe admitted that a few of the items didn’t make a lot of sense to him – that times certainly were a-changin’ and that he was glad he had a little inter-generational assistance. But in the end, he stuck in there, finding a big, squishy pillow that looked like a rainbow suspended between to fluffy clouds, some perfect tropical floral hair clips, and even daisy earrings, along with a supporting cast of wonderful little accents. A few days later we were all at the party, had finished our cake and ice cream, decorated pumpkins, punched ghosts, colored bats, spiders and owls, and had even pinned the eyes on a zombie. It was finally time for the presents, and Miss Lillian had Joe’s bag in her lap as she sat on the floor surrounded by her classmates. Tissue was torn with a furry and the squishy pillow emerged. I have one of those!” came the shouts from the excited onlookers. “Those are the best!” Immediately, and without exception, everyone was in love with Joe’s first gift. Something that none of us in the older generations could possibly understand or cherish was the hit of the morning with all the kids. And then came the earrings and hair clips. Each little item was precious and loved – with Miss Lillian taking the time to stop in the fury of rapid present unwrapping and study the details of every single tiny piece of new jewelry. Her eyes lit up and she shot the most adorable gaze across the room at Joe. “Pop Pop – you got me flower earrings?” “I picked them out myself” Joe was beaming with a smile spread ear to ear. The difference between going out and getting the largest or flashiest present, or falling back on something that made sense to the giver instead of the recipient is easy to miss if you aren’t watching. Getting on the person’s level and taking the time to study their life, hobbies, interests and experiences was something that Debbie had done well every Christmas and birthday for years, and now Joe had fully embraced it and succeeded in carrying on the tradition that he said was so important for him to foster. And the perfection in giving doesn’t necessarily stop with gifts that you can easily wrap and place on a presents table or tuck under a tree. When we chose to give from the heart with total regard for the recipient, home-made gifts and acts of service suddenly become so much more valuable as well. The bunny suit might have been the largest present that Ralphie got, but it was that Red Rider that stole the show, ocular calamities notwithstanding. Everyone knows at least one person that is “impossible to shop for.” I myself have used that little phrase often, and have even heard it applied to yours truly more than a few times.

“Well, there’s really nothing I want or need,” they say. But you know that doesn’t let you off the hook for Christmas shopping. “You don’t need to get me anything,” is less constructive as it is a blatant challenge. Like, “figure me out!” The truth is, you might not have to get them anything. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t want to. The best part of presents is truly in the giving, and that can be a crushing defeat if you can’t seem to hone in on what they might most appreciate. Afterall, its not simply an obligation of consumerism, and a fuel for capitalist ideals. You aren’t out shopping to shop – and as time draws ever closer to a deadline like a birthday or Christmas – you aren’t having as much fun battling that ticking clock and possibly the other last-minute procrastinators. So maybe this year, make a point to reverse it. Remember that you aren’t out shopping to find the perfect item, or to fill a gap in their life. Another great place to start looking is with their individual Love Language. These tests, and simple to understand brackets have become very popular in the last few years, so odds are most people are already familiar with the concept and have possibly even taken a little online quiz to help sort them into their predominant category of expressing and accepting love. If in doubt you can ask them if they already know their love language, and they might be able to quickly enlighten you. And even if the idea is novel to them, you can get to know someone a little better just by discussing the varying classes and sharing with each other how you feel you do or don’t associate with each type. The easiest to recognize, and most directly linked to what we are talking about here is actually “gifts.” For many people this is the primary way they are able to express love to others and show their concern and devotion. These are tangible, visible tokens that are symbols for the love people feel. It can be picking out that perfect gift for you, or knowing that you poured over all options and spend valuable effort to find something uniquely suited for them. For most people in this category its definitely not the dollar assignment that matters – quite the opposite. The perfect gift isn’t huge, expensive and shiny, but rather thought provoking, well timed, handmade with love, or perfectly attuned to them. It shows the lengths you went to and therefore the value you place on the relationship. In turn, they put that same attention to detail into everything they chose to give. Knowing that its not about their taste but rather something that reflects your values and love language. Another type is referred to as “quality time.” For people that are most comfortable in this column, a day fishing together would be far superior to a brand new rod and reel. They would be happy to go at it with aged and dated equipment for years to come if it meant that you would be there with them sharing the activity. Take the time to attentively listen to them, with your full and undistracted attention and then display the ways you want to spend more time together. By revealing that the shared moments are special to you, you let them know how much your relationship means to you both.

And the last one of the five types that deserves a bit more discussion here is acts of service. This is the “actions speak loudest” set, who notice every little extra effort you make to help them through the day. They are tuned into simple actions that can help them have an easier or more enjoyable day, ways you took something off their plate when they were feeling overwhelmed, and your expression of wanting to help them and be supportive. This isn’t always the easiest to throw a bow on and tuck under a tree, but it still has a prominent place in gift giving. Get out ahead of an upcoming task and show them you have it handled. Maybe wrap up the final piece to something you’ve already made for them so they didn’t have to, or give a set of coupons that are tailored to their needs. You’ll recognize this language easily when you think back on the ways they have been there to throw a little assistance your way in times of need, so just up that to a grander scale if you want to gift in a way they truly prize. For the last two love languages – words of affirmation and physical touch – it gets an extra step harder to convert to a gift. But if you put in the time and effort you can get something together that extends out into their realm. For physical touch, getting a little fire pit or new set of lawn chairs might not seem like the gift that is tailored to them directly. But those hours cuddling under a blanket and watching the fire, or holding hands as you stare at the sky in your new chairs will deliver exactly what they have been wanting. For words of affirmation, look to create a scrap book together where you can tell them how much they mean and what their past interactions have done to better your life. Write a special letter to express how much they mean to you. Or hunt down a book love letters, or positive self-praise if you think you can’t write your own. Read it with them and let them know when any lines really strike you as a mirror to the beauty you see in them. As with any of the other types of expressing and receiving love, it comes down to your exertion of care more than expenditure of money. A few of my all time favorites when shopping for Heather have come from local stores, or deep, deep down the rabbit hole of Etsy. And they have always been things that she never knew she needed, like a perfect rose quartz necklace to help clear negative energy and reset her heart and throat chakras when she was saying that she needed help with emotional healing. Or a pie-bird. Yep, that’s a thing! It was a little glass bird that sits in the middle of your pie and relieves the steam and pressure so you can do a full crust without all the lattice work when you want more of that flavor. Apparently these have been around since the middle ages and grew in popularity again in the 50’s and 60’s. When I remembered that she was wanting more flakey crust on a particular pie, but worried about not enough slits in the top to vent, and a discovered that there were actually mid-century mod ones still out there looking for a home I knew I had to find one! Explaining it to her and seeing her reaction (along with eating that first test pie and the scores that have followed) was what made it such a fun present for me. Something she didn’t-

-really every know about or ask for, but that fit perfectly with her current interests and had a cute story to boot. She still has it displayed proudly next to the Blendo cocktail serving set I hunted down on a different occasion. Both times, I had been told “I don’t need a thing – all I want is you!” And both times I got to hunt down something that brought me just as much joy to give it as she got receiving it. And both lead to more of what she wanted – us together. Whether having coffee and a slice of pie, or out on the patio while I was grilling and she was serving up lemonade from a funky 1960’s spotted orange pitcher with a big glass stir stick. Sometimes the gift can be about seeing where the other person is and letting them know you understand, or just creating an excuse to spend more time together enjoying something you both love. A pitcher is just a pitcher, a kitchen tool is just another tool. But timed with their current interests, and intended to create memories together, they become a real gift. Something completely practical like socks or a garden hose is best given on a random Tuesday with out any paper or card. To make that a real gift for someone, hunt down what they are missing, or just wrap up your own garden hose, along with a promise to come help them plant some seeds when the ground breaks. Maybe wrap a fork, and once they open it let them know about that special cake you made. You can still have fun with the unwrapping without having something truly tangible to discover as the present. We had decided that we needed some cloth napkins one year, just after we purchased our house. So I decided instead to get a few vintage Bakelite napkin rings, and gift them with the promise to help pick the perfect set of fancy, “we are adults now” cloth napkins. A set of napkins would have been like a pack of socks, but instead we got to create an adventure and memory together. And if they give you the classic, “all I really want is to be with you,” lean into it. Way into it. Don’t just show up for the afternoon to have cookies and open gifts. Give a few handmade gift certificates for adventures and memory making activities together to be redeemed at their discretion. Then follow up to make sure they get to use them all. Miss Lillian is an exceptional reader, and I have no doubt that she is proudly reading this aloud to her family right now as she wears a precious set of flower earrings. And knowing that her Pop-Pop spent hours carefully planning that surprise is something that will be around to make her smile for many birthdays to come. Happy shopping y’all! But know that it will be the effort, attention to detail, and loving care that you put into gift selection that produces the best results on both ends – not just the money you spend. Don’t wait till that last second – you might just need a few extra hours to crouch down in front of the spinning earring rack this year.