Grieving During The Seasons

Grieving During the Gratitude and Giving Seasons

by Annie Gebel

Holidays bring out all the emotions, don’t they? They can be filled with excitement and wonder, joy and laughter. They can also feel overwhelming, exhausting, and be overstimulating. And that’s all before we throw in some curveballs like missing loved ones who’ve passed away, divorce or separation, dementia or terminal illness. Yup…I just went there - straight to it. Grief. It’s a punch to the gut and it’ll double you over in the best and worst of times. So, let’s talk about it, shall we?

At its core, grief is stress. It’s a unique stress in that it’s often hugely complicated, often unexpected, and incredibly personal. And it can’t even be that simple (and, again, that’s not actually simple) because there are different kinds of grief. A little searching will find you anywhere from a handful of different types of grief to more than two handfuls.

Complications upon complications when the subject is an incredibly stressful and personal one. Whew. Let’s take a breath, shall we?

I mean it. Take a deep breath or two…these words aren’t going anywhere.

So, let’s start with some of the different kinds of grief. I want to begin here because not too long ago I thought grief was a term reserved for the death of a loved one, a family pet, or a big change in life (moving, a break up, etc). That’s what I used to think. Now, I know differently.

What I used to think of as grief is commonly called general or normal grief. This is what happens when you suffer a loss that you feel physical, emotional, behavioral, mental, or even social reactions to. General grief could refer to other examples than I gave, and there is such a range of symptoms associated with it, yet if you talk to others about your grief, most will understand or validate it, at least for a time. (I’ll talk about time later on.) With validation comes a normalcy that allows us a mourning period to grieve and let go of some of that stress.

Some other types that you may or may not already know about are anticipatory grief, ambiguous grief, and traumatic grief. Anticipatory grief is when you know the stressor is coming and you may even process some of your grief ahead of the actual loss. This is the type of grief that relates to terminal illness or possibly moving. Anticipatory grief can be long lasting and exhausting, yet also reveal time for forgiveness, saying goodbye, and even making plans for life without the person/people or place you’ll be missing. Ambiguous grief is when the person you’re grieving is either physically present or emotionally present, but not the other. To be physically present and not emotionally present occurs with dementia or drug abuse, for example. These are situations when the physical body of the person you care about and knew is still living, present, around…but the behaviors, actions, and moods are drastically different. On the other hand, military members who are missing in action or kidnapped victims who are never found leave physical holes in people’s lives but family members often keep the emotional presence alive. Grieving ambiguously can be guilt-laden, misunderstood, and feel very lonely.

Traumatic grief is exactly what it sounds like - some violent, sudden, horrific event is associated with the grief. Natural disasters, strokes, or car accidents could be some examples that could lead to this type of grief. In any type of grief you can feel like the world has flipped on its side, however with traumatic grief you may not even recognize the world at all. So much changes, so forcefully, that disruption to daily life is common with the symptoms of grief making it too much to handle daily chores or activities.

As I said, these are just a few of the types of grief and you can probably see where these (and other types) can be layered on top of each other - which is known as cumulative grief.

So, grief-ridden curveballs and the holiday spirit…do they even go together at all? Sometimes, no. Sometimes, it’s just too much to hear people being thankful for so many wonderful things when you’re feeling angry or sad or frustrated or blech. That’s okay. It truly is. Some people will try to cheer you up or tell you to look on the bright side (don’t be those people, wink, wink). It’s okay to clearly tell well-intentioned folks that you’re just not up for the full turkey spread and the food coma to follow. It’s okay to say, “Thank you, but I’m actually going to cuddle up with a Hallmark movie and a pizza this year.” Don’t automatically say, no, though. Maybe you do want to feel a little more connection. Maybe it would be nice to hold your newest nephew or play cards with your crazy aunt. Only you know what you need. And if no is what you need, that’s the right answer.

Other times, grief and feeling grateful go hand in hand. Perhaps you’ve lost the love of your life, yet you can sit and share stories of your time together with others and feel the swell of those memories in your entire body, filling you with more gratitude than you knew possible. That’s part of grieving too. And you can certainly go for-

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-it if it’s helpful to you! In fact, it might be lovely to not only share memories, but even to share items. Whether you’re passing along tokens with specific meanings to grandchildren or donating clothing that you know will help someone else feel good rather than hang in a closet in an empty room, giving can help you process sadness and create a space for a little joy too.

Sometimes the impetus of our grief is in the past and we believe we’re past it or have control over our emotions and then - BAM! A song, a voice, something reminds us of who we miss. And if you shared any number of holidays with a loved one, celebrating them without that person could easily jolt you from the stability of ‘moving on’ and throw you back into full-on grief. There are the dreams you had that can never be realized. The jokes you shared that no one else gets. The quirky way they acted out all the lines to your favorite Christmas carol or how they settled your nerves when Uncle Chuck started droning on and on about how easy your generation has things. You might just simply feel like everything is off kilter this holiday season. And that is okay too.

It is more than okay to feel off and still celebrate. It is more than fine to move on and grieve. Grief is always okay. Sure, breaking down in the aisle at the grocery store isn’t always ideal, but I’ve been there. I get it that screaming in your car and pounding the steering wheel isn’t awesome when you look up and someone is just coming back from a hike but you thought you were alone, but I’ve been there too. I’ve had eyes swollen from crying so long and still cheered on the soccer team. I’ve had days where I sank to the floor in the kitchen and just let the cat curl up with me rather than get up. I’ve had unsuspecting teenagers sing the first song that popped in their mind only to be one that stabbed me deeply and tried to turn my pain into something funny. “Too soon, dude, too soon.” Grief is like that - everywhere and nowhere at all. It’s expected and out of the blue. And it’s okay.

So, let me get really real for a hot minute. Grief also sucks. It sucks the air out of your lungs and you’re not sure if you can remember how to breathe. It hurts somewhere that you can’t even identify and don’t know how to help. It’s rage at cute older couples who have done nothing to you at all but you want to yell at them to go home and stop being so adorable. It’s anger at yourself when you realize you were having fun. It’s sadness and memories. It’s moments forgotten but suddenly remembered that are tinged with smiles both bitter and sweet.

Grief sucks.

So, during the holidays, when we gather with people we both like and barely tolerate, that bring out so many emotions, memories, and tears from laughter and pain… grief will tag along too. You don’t have to bear it alone. You don’t have to share it with everyone. You don’t have to do anything. But life does go on. So, think about what you want, who you want to hold your hand or check in with you, how you want to move through a season so laden with gratefulness, giving, and certainly now grief. The way that YOU want to approach things is the right way. And just because your Aunt Berta has some opinions, you can politely and firmly tell her thank you, but no thank you. “Aunt Berta, you’re a peach, but I have to do this my way. If I want your help or opinions, I’ll be sure to ask. Thank you so much for thinking of me.” And walk away. Last word. Mic drop. I’m sure there’s pie to be eaten somewhere!

And that’s my take on that. Having spoken to the people feeling the heaviness of grief, I think it’s only fair to check in with the ones trying to help. And, let’s be honest again, shall we? If someone is grieving, most people who would be close enough to step in and help are probably impacted by the situation as well, with their own grieving to do. So, everything I’ve already said probably applies. Yet, I’m going to say some more.

There are no timelines. Let people feel their way through their own grief according to whatever timeline they see fit. Sure, you can offer support, suggest counseling, or encourage a visit with a doctor if you’re worried about them physically or mentally. Absolutely. Those things might help even before you get worried. But be sure you’re always suggesting from a place of love for them not because you’re done grieving and want to move on. I get that sometimes it’s uncomfortable to be around someone who still cries at that one song or whatever the ‘hang up’ seems to be, but that’s your deal, sis. If you are uncomfortable with someone else’s timeline, perhaps you can take that extra time to look at your own hang ups and/or simply ask how you can help.

And when it comes to offering help, most people don’t like to ask for help or accept it. We’ve got some crazy notion that we should be strong enough to do everything on our own. I’m super thankful that I’d already been working on that because when grief knocked me down, it was imperative that I accept help and ask for it. But, even knowing that, it wasn’t easy. So, ask more than- -once. Don’t be pushy or rude, but check in a week later and reiterate, “Are you sure there’s nothing you need?” If you pick up clues in talking with the grieving person, simply act on them. “I’m just going to grab you a gift card from (fill in the blank). Use it now or later, but you’ll have it when you need it.” And sometimes you can simply act without clues - go with your gut. Some ideas - take the person to do something they wouldn’t normally do (a hike, a spa day, dueling piano bar, sledding), gift a cleaning service or invite yourself over and vacuum for them, bring the popcorn and settle in for movie night to release the pressure for a few hours.

There are so many things you can do to offer help, give time and space, and simply let a grieving person know you care. I have to say, though, that for me, the most important and truly helpful thing was just knowing people realized I was still struggling. Be the cousin that goes the extra mile to get the phone number and text once a week. Be the friend who sends ridiculous memes that start out as annoying but end up being something looked forward to. Be the child who says it’s totally okay to eat ice cream as a meal and offers to make dinner. Be someone who drops a note in the mail, sends a coffee mug and hot cocoa unexpectedly, drops a social media message that says, “I’m thinking of you.”

It’s true that grief is, at its core, stress. And it’s the kind of stress that rocks you again and again. It’s like an earthquake of some huge magnitude and the aftershocks don’t seem any smaller until they do, and even then there’s aftershock after aftershock. You may want to take the phrase ‘new normal’ and shove it down someone’s throat, and yet, after a while, even those aftershocks will become part of your normal life. Maybe you intentionally craft your life without daily grief or maybe it happens because you keep getting up every day, but it’ll come. And along with it, you’ll hopefully notice that you’re grateful for how you made it through and who you are now. And you might even notice that the biggest gifts of this new season are the possibilities that lay ahead of you.

Grief, giving, and gratitude, not always so easily related, but when they come together, the experience is great, grand, even glorious. It’s a dream come true for someone who loves thesauruses and alliteration! And, it’s important to know that your life can, in fact, be good.