Tips for New StepParents

The role of a stepparent comes with some unique challenges. You are forming a new family and attempting to blend two sets of traditions and household rules. The stepchildren may feel upset about their parent’s divorce and remarriage, and you may become the target of their frustration. Here are a few points to consider during the transition.

By Linda Ligon, Family & Kids

Start out slowly

Do not set your initial expectations too high. It will take time to build a bond with your new stepchildren. Your job as a stepparent is to be available to them as a mentor and guide. You are not a replacement for their parent. At first, leave all the discipline up to their parents, making yourself available when needed to support the decisions your spouse or their ex makes about their discipline. One mistake new stepparents sometimes make is to try too hard. Do not try to ‘win’ your stepchildren over by buying them extravagant gifts or trying to be their best friend. Instead, let your stepchildren know you are available if they need someone to talk to and give them some space as they adjust to their new family situation. They will start coming to you for your support when they are ready. Attempting to force them to interact with you may only increase the feelings of resentment your stepchildren may be having.

Set household rules

While it is not your place to be the primary disciplinarian of your stepchildren, you and your spouse need to come together and agree on a set of household rules that apply to everyone in the family. Have family meetings to discuss household rules and to define your expectations for all children in the household. Ensure you apply the same rules and expectations to both your biological children and your stepchildren. Inconsistency in setting boundaries and rules will be divisive and cause conflict. Avoid the tendency to play favorites and make exceptions for your biological children. Remember that the new household rules may be a change for your stepchildren from their previous environment and give them the opportunity to voice their feelings about the new expectations being set for them.

Get to know your stepchildren

Have your spouse give you some insight into what activities your stepchildren enjoy. Then show interest in your stepchildren’s hobbies and activities. For example, if your stepchild enjoys crafting, pick out a project that you could work on together. Also spend time with your stepchild on every day, routine tasks such as completing homework and fixing dinner. Help your all the members of your new blended family become familiar with each other by planning an outing to a state park, museum or amusement park that everyone in the family can enjoy.

Keep your marriage strong

A strong marriage is the foundation for your new family. Having a strong marriage helps your family to thrive. Do not let your biological children attempt to put you in a position where they try to force you to choose between them and your new spouse. Remind your kids that you love them just as much as before you married your new spouse. Blending a new family can be stressful, but always strive to keep your interactions with your spouse and their ex respectful. If your spouse’s parenting style is causing issues, voice your concern in a way that is not harsh and then work with your spouse to come to an agreement. Open and regular communication will keep frustration and tension from building, and help keep your home a more peaceful place for all.