Bayou Catholic Magazine | Marriage | March 2013

Bayou

Catholic

Marriage HOUMA, LA ~ MARCH 2013

PETERSEN’S STUDIO

Contents Sacrament

Advice

Marriage as Sacrament

What makes marriage work

73

66 Marriage

Change

Are you nurturing your marriage?

Changing your partner and yourself

68

74

Join

For more articles

Geaux Ahead join parish together

on strengthening your marriage

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www.foryourmarriage.org

76 Planning Natural Family Planning really works

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Marriage

Guest Columnist

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Catherine Klingman, L.C.S.W.

Working for the diocesan Office of Family Ministries we have the privilege of meeting hundreds of engaged couples every year. They come to us full of excitement, love for each other and with hopes and dreams for their future.

When your lives together as husband and wife began, you dreamed about how many children you wanted to have, where you planned to live, the house you wanted to buy and the vacations you planned to take.

Your marriage began with such excitement and wonder, but often times, that level of excitement and wonder have been replaced with the mundane realities of every-day life. It just seems to happen little-by-little, day-byday. Your lives change without much attention.

Sadly, the attention you used to give to each other can get diverted onto other things, including your job, leisure activities, gambling, Internet, etc. Maybe you’ve started to drift apart. Be cautious if you find yourself in this situation.

That drift can allow room for affection and attention from others to slip in. New, seemingly

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Keeping the spirit and romance alive in your marriage innocent relationships can start to develop and if unnoticed, this new relationship can build into a more serious one.

How can you keep the excitement, wonder and spirit alive and still deal with the realities of everyday life?

Start “dating” your spouse again. Remember when you first met and how you felt about each other? What drew you to each other? Where did you go together?

Make a date with each other and spend some quality time (without interruptions) reconnecting with each other.

Make a commitment to attend Mass together on a regular basis.

As Catholics, we believe it takes three to make a marriage work.

How welcome is our Lord in your marriage and in your home? Do you attend Mass as often as you should? How can you get involved in your church parish?

Start talking and sharing with one another every night. Staying connected with each other begins with communication. Find out about his/her day. Discuss plans for the weekend. Consider his/her feelings.

Register for a couples’ retreat.

There are different programs available in our area. Couple retreats or workshops are often scheduled throughout the year in our diocese as well as the surrounding area.

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Conference. These conferences are usually held every other year. Our upcoming Couples Conference, “Two Hearts One Body,” is scheduled for Saturday, Aug. 10 with Christopher West of the Theology of the Body Institute as the keynote speaker. More information will be posted on our website when available, www. htdiocese.org/fm Plan a special vacation together.

Your vacation can be as simple as a quick weekend get-away; or schedule a more elaborate romantic get-away to a favorite vacation spot. Wherever you plan to go will be special if you plan it with your shared interests in mind.

If your marriage seems to be crumbling, get help. Too many couples wait too long before they reach for help. One of the best things you can do is to admit there is a problem and seek assistance to heal together. Our office provides counseling services to help you get back on track. Getting help shows how much you care for your marriage and the life you’ve built together. For more information, call (985) 850-3129.

Marriage is a beautiful vocation and needs to be continually nourished and cherished with Christ at its center. The love and hard work you put into your marriage will make it stronger and will make you stronger too.

(Catherine Klingman, L.C.S.W., is the diocesan director of the Office of Family Ministries.)

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Marriage

Guest Columnist Nancy Diedrich LPC, LMFT

Are you nurturing your marriage?

I 66

If we plant a garden, but forget to ever water it, it eventually will die … right? We don’t have to be farmers to figure out the answer to that question. Whatever we plant must be cultivated or nurtured if we expect it to grow and be productive.

We nurture our children, our friendships, our careers, our hobbies … the list goes on and on.

We often find ourselves having so many things to nurture or manage, that we sometimes leave our most important relationships, the ones that we share with our spouses, to manage themselves.

We assume that because we love our spouses, that is all the nurturing that our marriages need.

We get so busy with the daily responsibilities of life, that we don’t take time for our most critical responsibility as married persons … our marriage. We must not allow ourselves to think that just because we love each other, and made commitments to each other, that we don’t have to work hard to keep our relationships strong.

A relationship as sacred as that which we share with our spouse must absolutely be nurtured to remain strong. Only you and your spouse can keep your marriage alive, faithful, committed and loving. But how can you best nurture this sacred commitment?

Here are some basic but indispensible components for nurturing a marriage: First, is communication.

Talk, talk, talk! Open, honest

Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2013

communication is a couple’s lifeline. It is the key to building a strong, solid bond, which allows you to discuss feelings, concerns, hopes, dreams and desires. You will never truly know your spouse, until you can communicate openly and honestly.

Second, is commitment.

This element, if missing, can doom a relationship from the getgo. Commitment bonds a couple together in such a way as to protect them when their relationship needs protection from outside influence.

It is the “glue” that binds them in times when they are annoyed, tired, angry or disillusioned with one another. Sometimes, just remembering their vows can help them to negotiate these problems and try to forgive and move forward again.

When a couple respects their marital promise to each other, it nurtures their love and connects them even more steadfastly to one another.

Third is show your interest: It is extremely rare for a husband and a wife to share and enjoy all common interests. For this reason, bickering can find its way into many marriages. When a man is single, his interest may revolve around sports, sports and sports. While a single woman’s fascination may be in fashion, shopping, decorating, shopping and more shopping. Once this guy and this gal decide to get married, their interests must change to include some of each other’s pass-times. The wife must genuinely try to get involved her husbands hobbies, and vice versa!

When you can’t get involved, be sure to show interest…remember, if it’s important to your spouse, it should also be important to you!

Fourth is appreciation: Everyone needs to know that they matter … to know that they have value … to know that they are important to someone. Women love to be needed and appreciated. Men need to be appreciated and admired.

These are psychological needs, but when human beings fulfill these needs in others, their relationships become stronger and more solid, because of this nurturing. When husbands and wives nurture these psychological needs in each other, the result is clear … stronger and

PETERSEN’S STUDIO

more solid marriages!

Fifth is quality time: Take the time to have quality, alone time with your spouse. This component makes use of all of the previous components. When you take time to spend quality, alone time with your spouse, they feel appreciated; they feel the interest that you are showing in them; they get the opportunity to communicate with you, and your commitment to one another is strengthened.

Quality time can really accomplish a lot for a marriage … it lets your spouse know how much they mean to you, and it is a powerful nurturer for your relationship.

None of these ways to nurture your marriage are too difficult, too expensive, or too time consuming for a husband or wife to handle.

They are a simple list of “little things” that can make a big difference in a marriage.

Too often we underestimate the power of “small things”: a smile, a kind word, a touch, a compliment, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. These small acts of kindness have the potential to strengthen any relationship, and to nurture any marriage.

So, never stop nurturing and doing “little things” for your marriage. Sometimes those “little things” occupy the biggest part of your spouse’s heart!

(Nancy Diedrich, L.P.C., L.M.F.T., a national board certified counselor, is a marriage and family counselor for the diocesan Office of Family Ministries.)

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Marriage

68 PETERSEN’S STUDIO

Marriage as sacrament Marriage as a Sacrament

Marriage as a sacrament is a serious and sacred commitment that calls a couple to each other in the most profound and permanent way. Their mutual love is a reminder of the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. By the grace of their sacrament, they become able to love one another as Christ has loved them. As a married couple, they become a visible sign and reminder of Christ’s sacrificial love for all people.

The Engaged Couple

A couple desiring to be married Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2013

is encouraged to contact their priest/deacon at least six (6) months (or more) prior to the proposed date of their wedding.

This interval allows time to prepare well for such a sacred commitment.

The engaged couple must take an active part in all the steps of these guidelines which apply to them. With the assistance of their priest/deacon, they are to: v Identify and cultivate their strengths, v Deal with the areas of difficulty in their relationship, v Participate in assessment and preparation,

v Recognize that marriage is essentially characterized by unity, fidelity, permanence and an openness to children, v Attend a formal marriage preparation program, v Participate in premarital evaluation and counseling when recommended.

A tentative wedding date may be set at the time of this initial contact with the priest/deacon.

When the couple has completed phase two of the marriage preparation process, the tentative wedding date will be confirmed or changed.

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Responsibilities 1. Priest/Deacon The church has the pastoral obligation to assist those desiring to marry to make a prayerful and mature judgment concerning their marriage. In particular, the priest/ deacon, who plans to witness a marriage, is personally responsible for the complete marriage preparation process. He has the serious moral and ministerial responsibility to assist the engaged couple in understanding the meaning of Christian marriage in its human, spiritual, canonical and sacramental aspects, and to provide a liturgical experience that truly celebrates and manifests the momentous step that the couple is taking.

2. Community The faithful in each parish share in the pastoral responsibility to help engaged couples prepare for their life together. Married couples have a particular responsibility to witness the holiness of their sacramental life of intimacy, unity, self-sacrificing love and

commitment. They may therefore be invited to participate actively in the marriage preparation of engaged couples in their parish.

3. Parents The church recognizes the unique and vital role of parents in the psychological, social, moral and spiritual development of their children. Renewal in the church has included attempts to make sacramental preparation more family centered. Parents are therefore encouraged to respond to the invitation of the priest/ deacon to participate actively in the assessment and preparation of their children for marriage in the church whenever possible.

The Marriage Preparation Process

All engaged couples are required to receive sacramental preparation and must meet with their priest/ deacon at least six months (or more) prior to the desired wedding date. This marriage preparation process consists of four phases.

1. Phase One: Initial contact

with priest/deacon will: v Establish rapport with you in order to support and counsel you at this most important time in your life. v Examine your motives for marriage. v Explore any special circumstances that may affect marriage, e.g., age, cultural background, pregnancy, military service, physical or emotional problems, levels of faith and religious issues. v Explain the marriage preparation process. v Obtain personal information, explain what other documentation is needed, and determine whether any dispensations or permissions will be necessary.

2. Phase Two: Assessment process with priest/deacon will: v Administer a Premarital Instrument* to assist in beginning the assessment of your readiness to marry. v Discuss the results of the FOCCUS instrument. v Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of your

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Marriage

Sacrament

communication process. v Examine the sacramental aspects of your human covenant. v Assess your readiness for marriage and complete the prenuptial questionnaire. v Begin the liturgical wedding plans and present to you the parish guidelines. Inform you of the cost and suggested offering. *A premarital instrument is a tool designed to help you assess your readiness for marriage. It is not a pass/fail indicator. Instead it is meant to help you discover more about yourselves and each other in a non-threatening and objective way. Our diocese utilizes the FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication Understanding and Study) instrument to help you identify issues that need to be discussed, reflected on, understood, studied for problem-solving, skillbuilding and decision-making.

70 Your priest/deacon will give you more information at your initial meeting.

During phase two, the priest/ deacon will make the decision to proceed or delay the marriage.

If he proceeds, the wedding date will be confirmed and the process continues. If his decision is to delay the marriage, he will follow the procedure found in Delay of Marriage.

3. Phase Three: Formal marriage preparation This instructional phase, formal marriage preparation, presents

the essential human and Christian aspects of marriage so that the couple becomes aware of the total dimensions of the marriage covenant.

Formal marriage preparation includes reflection on the nature and sacramentality of marriage, married love and family life, couple prayer, marital responsibilities, communication within marriage, personal expectations, natural family planning and other practical considerations.

There are two approved options in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux. If you are unable to attend such a formal marriage preparation program, you must discuss this with your priest/deacon immediately.

These are the approved options: v Diocesan Marriage Preparation program v Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat in the surrounding dioceses

Schedule of the Day for Marriage Preparation in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux

v Location: 2779 Hwy 311 Schriever, LA 70395 - Pastoral Center Conference Hall v Arrival Time: 8:45 a.m. (The day begins promptly at 9 a.m.)

PETERSEN’S STUDIO

v Dismissal Time: 3:15 p.m. v Registration Fee: $100 (check or money order) If you are engaged and would like to begin your marriage preparation, you will need to meet with your parish priest or deacon at least six months before your desired wedding date. The priest/deacon will give you a marriage preparation booklet which will include all of this marriage prep information and a registration form to attend the diocese’s marriage prep, “Day for the Engaged.” Complete the registration form, detach it and mail the form with your registration fee at least three months before the date you

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4. Phase Four: Completion of marriage prep process with priest/deacon will: v Discuss with you what you have learned and experienced at your formal marriage preparation program. v Discuss with you your understanding of sacrament in light of your formal marriage preparation. v Discuss with you your responsibilities as members of God’s people, as spouses and future parents. v Complete all documentary requirements. As appropriate, grant permission for mixed marriage and/or apply for appropriate permissions or dispensations. v Discuss the reception of penance and holy Eucharist as a fitting preparation for the sacrament of matrimony. v Finalize the wedding liturgy and discuss the wedding rehearsal.

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Marriage

Guest Columnist

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Father Andre Melancon

Helping raise holy families in our Church

I remember as a seminarian reading a reflection from Blessed John Paul II on his experience in preparing couples for marriage. He had shared that the married couples that he had worked with did so much in strengthening his vocation as a celibate priest. He said that the love that they had for one another inspired him in his vocation to love Christ and the Church. As he was trying to grow in his ability to love as a priest, the married couples through their own witness showed him an image of what that love could look like. I have definitely experienced this as I have worked with couples over these last two and a half years. I pray that I have been a witness to them as I have shared my love for my bride the Church and how I try to give of myself to her.

Diocesan priesthood offers countless opportunities to make a difference in people’s lives of faith.

Marriage preparation is one of those beautiful examples. As a newly ordained priest assigned to the cathedral, I have had the opportunity to work with many couples. Couples usually come into their first meeting of marriage preparation not sure what to expect. I always try to assure them that my hope for our time together is to help them to have a happy and holy marriage. I try to assure them that my challenges to them come from my love for them and for the sacrament that they will receive. One of the things that I want them to see is that the Church sees the family as a vital part of her mission. I explain to them that because they receive a sacrament, an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace, their marriage is to be a sign of God’s love to the world.

I tell them that the world desperately needs to experience witnesses of sacrificial love and they as husband and wife are looked upon to be the most beautiful of signs. I then assure them that God desires to help them in this task. The gift that the couple receives at their marriage is grace. God assures them that he will be with them as they strive to live married life faithfully. It is grace that gives the couple the strength to love each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and till death do they part. I explain to them that the way that they open themselves up to grace is through their shared life of faith. I stress the importance of Mass and the importance of praying together as a couple. As they worship together at Mass and they hear the words of Jesus, “this is my body, given up for you,” they understand more what it means to love one another.

Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2013

To say in everything, I give myself up for you. Christ teaches them how to love. As they come together to pray and intercede for each other, God is able to flow into them in a fresh way. I also try to share with them the Church’s beautiful teaching on sexuality. As society is inundated with lies about sex, I share with them that God’s plan for sexuality is freeing and life giving.

At the end of the formation process, I feel a beautiful bond with the couple that I have walked with. I see them as spiritual sons and daughters that I have helped prepare for God’s call in their life. It is a great and humbling calling to be able to walk with couples in such an important time in their life. I pray that God may continue to enrich this part of my ministry so that I may help him in raising up holy families in our Church.

Changing your partner -- and yourself

By Laura Przybsz They say that when a man marries a woman, he thinks, “She’s the one I’ve been waiting for. She’ll never change.” – and she always does. And a woman looks at her man, and thinks, “He just needs a little work; after we’re married, I’ll help him change” – and he never does.

The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our spouses will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; go to church more – or less, talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.

Change sometimes doesn’t happen fast enough to suit us. Your beloved may be oblivious to your dissatisfaction. If he or she doesn’t realize the need to change something, a loving spouse can gently ask for change. Nagging, cajoling, and arguing, however, get us nowhere and can make us even more miserable.

Successful couples recognize that the only person you can change is yourself.

Enlist your spouse as your partner in self-change.

When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your spouses about your plan to change and enlist their support. Energy for marital growth can be ignited in your marriages. Our spouses, no matter what personal faults or issues they may have, will appreciate our efforts (they’ve been hoping we would!).

What if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your spouse? Despite your hopes and personal improvement efforts, he or she is resistant or unable to change. This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of marital change is at your service: Acceptance. When spouses show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s

changes.

Be ready to support any effort your partner makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as helpmate is indispensable. You are the one who loves your spouse the most.

Lauri Przybysz is the Coordinator of Marriage & Family Enrichment for the Archdiocese of Baltimore.

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Marriage

What makes marriage work?

PETERSEN’S STUDIO

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Communication What is the one indispensable ingredient for making marriages work? Family life educators usually answer: communication.

This is good news, because effective communication can be learned.

Skills such as active listening, using “I” statements, paying attention to my feelings and those of my spouse, and learning tips for “fighting fair” make marriage easier. Some couples use these skills intuitively because they saw them modeled in their own upbringing. Others can learn them through

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classes, workshops and reading.

Of course, the hardest part of communicating usually comes when there is disagreement between the two of you.

Commitment and Common Values Some ingredients, if missing, can doom a relationship from the start. Two primary ones are commitment and common values.

Commitment bonds a couple together when you are tired, annoyed, or angry with each other. Sometimes, remembering your vows can prompt you to push past these problems and try to forgive and start again.

Common values are important. If you aren’t together on basic values such as children, honesty, fidelity, and putting family before work, no amount of learning or effort of the will can resolve the conflict. For example, constant tension will result if one spouse wants to live simply while the other wants life’s luxuries.

Spirituality/Faith You might not consider yourself a spiritual person; however, anyone who seeks the deeper meaning of life, and not a life focused on personal pleasure, operates out of a spiritual sense. For many this desire is expressed in commitment to a specific faith tradition.

Here one joins with others to worship God and work for the common good.

Although being a person of faith is not essential to making your marriage work, it’s a bonus. Certainly good people throughout the ages have had happy marriages and not all of them have been religious. But it helps to have faith principles to guide you and a faith community to encourage your commitment.

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Marriage

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Natural Family Planning really works

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By BRIAN T. OLSZEWSKI Catholic News Service OK, let’s get the obvious play on words out of the way: There are misconceptions about natural family planning.

“Natural family planning” is a church-approved form of family planning that does not use artificial means such as the pill, condoms or foams. Instead it uses an awareness of the fertile and infertile periods in a woman’s cycle to allow a couple to plan conception.

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Russian roulette,” according to Rachelle Sauvageau, respect life director for the Diocese of Fargo, N.D., and coordinator of its natural family planning and chastity education programs.

Bishop Samuel Aquila of Fargo instituted a marriage-preparation policy in 2005 that requires couples wishing to be married in the church to receive catechesis on the theology of the body, including instruction in natural family planning.

In “Humanae Vitae,” the 1968 encyclical in which he reaffirmed the church’s opposition to the use of contraception, Pope Paul VI, wrote, “It is to be anticipated that perhaps not everyone will easily accept this particular teaching.” Those words were an understatement, but, for the most part, according to Sauvageau, couples in the eastern North Dakota diocese, where more than 400 Catholic marriages are celebrated annually, are willing to take the classes.

“There are a few who don’t understand it,” she said, “but by the time they’re done they say it was a good thing to learn.

We give them a knowledge of it and let them know what a gift natural family planning is to their marriage.”

That knowledge comes from 18 instructors who teach couples the Billings method in which women learn to recognize their own patterns of fertility and infertility and the symptothermal method by which a couple charts indicators of fertility and infertility based upon the woman’s daily temperature.

The effectiveness of natural family planning, when used correctly, is in the 97 percent and 98 percent range for the Billings and sympto-thermal methods respectively.

According to information gathered by the Georgetown University Institute for Reproductive Health, couples who use natural family planning cite several advantages: n Increased self-awareness and knowledge of their fertility. n Enhanced communication and intimacy.

) ) “We need the

medical community to acknowledge natural family planning and to promote it.”

n Increased reliance upon their own resources rather than a family-planning program or contraception. n Increased independence from costly or distant medical services. n Freedom from artificial substances and the side effects and/or potential medical risks of artificial methods. n Reduced resupply costs associated with commodity-based methods. n The ability to adhere to religious and cultural norms.

For Sauvageau and Dr. Richard

J. Fehring, professor in the College of Nursing at Jesuit-run Marquette University and director of the college’s Institute for Natural Family Planning, a key to promoting a better understanding of natural family planning and getting more couples to use it is convincing the medical community of the method’s value.

“We need the medical profession talking about it,” Sauvageau said.

“We need the medical community to acknowledge natural family planning and to promote it.”

Fehring knows the importance of having the medical community promote natural family planning since his institute not only trains health care professionals to become natural family planning teachers but provides for-credit courses in natural family planning theory and practice.

Health care professionals are “gatekeepers” of information, he said. So it is imperative that studies on the value and effectiveness of natural family planning are done to convince the health care community.

One of his goals, Fehring said, 77 is to simplify natural family planning for medical professionals.

“I want to make a simple method that doctors can teach in the course of a 15-minute office visit,” he said.

For Sauvageau, as much as being a moral means of planning a family, natural family planning also offers couples an opportunity to “embrace the virtue of chastity.”

She said, “You are able to look at your spouse as a gift rather than as an object of sexual gratification.”

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PETERSEN’S STUDIO

Join parish together

By CATHY KLINGMAN, L.C.S.W. Newly married couples face their new life together as husband and wife.

As they learn more about each other, there will be many joys, challenges and struggles they must negotiate. Their church parish can be there to journey with them and support them.

So how do couples decide which church parish to join?

It is important to understand you are not automatically registered in a church parish just because your wedding was held there, or because you “grew up” there. Couples need to discuss their needs, attend different Mass times together, and visit the Catholic church parishes near their home.

They can then make a decision together about which church parish to join.

So how do couples “join” a church parish?

Registration is not a difficult process. It begins with a call to the parish office and maybe a visit with the parish priest. After the registration paperwork is complete, married couples can learn more about the different ministries and programs available to them. Not only will couples receive support from their parish, but the parish also receives and benefits from their participation.

The church parish is a couple’s spiritual home, the place where sacraments are celebrated, tears are shared and support is given. In church, couples are surrounded by others who believe and worship with them in this wonderful journey of life together as husband and wife.

(Cathy Klingman is the diocesan director of the Office of Family Ministries.)

Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA • March 2013

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